Original subtitles

[light melodic music]

[melodic orchestral music]

[melodic orchestral music continues]

[melodic orchestral music continues]

[light melodic music]

[Noel Coward] We are quite, quite wrong.

[melodic orchestral music]

Once upon a time, there was a charming country house

in which lived a very happily married couple.

[melodic orchestral music]

Edith, you know the cocktail shaker?

- Yes, ma'am. - Well, I want you to fill

two of those long stem glasses from it

- and bring them up here. - Yes, ma'am.

And Edith, as you're not in the Navy,

it's unnecessary to do everything at the double.

- Very good, ma'am. - And Edith,

when you're serving dinner,

try to remember to do it calmly and methodically.

- Yes, ma'am.

Now, go and get the cocktails.

- Yes. - Not at a run, Edith.

Yes, ma'am.

[door thudding]

What do you suppose induced Agnes to leave us

and go and get married?

The reason was becoming increasingly obvious, dear.

Yes, we must keep Edith in the house more.

- Oh, dear. - [Charles] What's the matter?

I have an idea this evening's going to be awful.

[Charles] Well, I think it'll be funny, but not awful.

Why did you ask the Bradmans, darling?

He's as skeptical as we are,

he'll probably say the most dreadful things.

I warned him, there had to be more than three of us

and we couldn't have the vicar and his wife,

'cause A, they're dreary

and B, they wouldn't have approved at all.

[Charles] No, it had to be the Bradmans.

You must promise not to catch my eye, if I giggle

and I'm very likely to, it'll ruin everything.

You mustn't, you must be dead serious

and if possible, a little intense.

We can't hurt the old girl's feelings, however funny she is.

[quirky orchestral music] [birds chirping]

[car horn tooting]

[quirky orchestral music]

That was her.

Oh, that's her, is it?

I've seen her in the village several times.

She certainly is a strange woman.

The vicar told me he saw her up on the knoll

on Midsummer Eve dressed in sort of Indian robes.

[match striking]

Apparently she's been a professional in

London for years.

It's funny, isn't it, I mean to think of people

doing it as a profession?

I believe it's very lucrative.

What does Mr. Condomine hope to get out of her?

Material for his book,

he's writing a mystery story, you know.

To "The Unseen."

I must say, that's a wonderful title.

If this evening's a success,

I shall start writing the first draft tomorrow.

Was dear Elvira a help to you,

when you were thinking something out, I mean?

Poor Elvira.

If I died before you'd grown tired of me,

I wonder if you'd forget me so soon.

What a horrible thing to say.

No, I think it's interesting.

Well, to begin with, I haven't forgotten Elvira,

I remember her very distinctly indeed.

I remember how fascinating she was and how maddening.

I remember her gay charm when she'd achieved her own way

over something and her extreme acidity when she didn't.

I remember her physical attractiveness,

which was tremendous,

[Charles] and her spiritual integrity, which was nil.

Was she more physically attractive than I am?

That's a very tiresome question, darling,

fully deserves the wrong answer.

You really are very sweet.

- [Charles] Thank you. - And a little naive too.

[Charles] Why?

Because you imagine that I mind about Elvira

being more physically attractive than I am.

[Charles] I love you, my love.

I know you do,

but not the wildest stretch of the imagination

could describe it as the first fine careless rapture.

- Would you like it to be? - [Ruth] Good heavens, no.

Wasn't that a shade too vehement?

We're neither of us adolescent, Charles,

we've neither of us led exactly prim lives, have we?

We've both been married before,

a careless rapture at this stage

would be incongruous and embarrassing.

I hope I haven't been in any way a disappointment, dear.

Don't be so idiotic.

After all, your first husband was a great deal older than you,

I wouldn't like you to think that you've missed out

all along the line.

There are moments, Charles, when you go too far.

Sorry, darling.

If I died, I wonder how long it would be

before you married again.

You won't die, you're not the dying sort.

[Ruth] Neither was Elvira.

Oh, yes, she was, now I come to think of it,

she had a certain ethereal, not quite of this world quality.

Nobody could call you even remotely ethereal.

[Ruth] Nonsense, she was of the earth, earthy.

Yes, well, she is now anyhow.

[Ruth] You know, that's the kind of observation

- that shocks people. - Discouraging to think

how many people are shocked by honesty

and how few by deceit.

Write that down, you might forget it.

[Charles] You underrate me.

Anyhow, it was a question of bad taste more than honesty.

I was devoted to Elvira, we were married five years,

she died, I missed her very much.

That was seven years ago and I've now, with your help,

my love, risen above the whole thing.

[doorbell ringing] That's probably the Bradmans.

Might be Madame Arcati.

[soft orchestral music]

Shall I go or shall we let Edith have her fling?

She's probably on one knee in a pre-sprinting position

waiting for Cook to open the kitchen door.

[rapid orchestral music] Steady, Edith.

Yes, sir.

[melodic orchestral music]

[door clicking]

- Good evening. - Good evening.

We're not late, are we?

I only got back from the hospital half an hour ago.

No, of course not, Madame Arcati isn't here yet.

No, we passed her coming up the hill on her bicycle.

I'm so glad you were able to come.

We've been looking forward to it,

I feel really quite excited.

I guarantee that Violet will be good, I made her promise.

Fine, here, come and have a drink.

Oh, thanks so much.

Do you believe in it, Mrs. Condomine,

do you think there's anything really genuine

- about it at all? - I'm afraid not,

but I do think it's interesting

how easily people allow themselves to be deceived.

But she must believe it herself, mustn't she,

or is the whole business a fake?

I suspect the worst, a real professional charlatan,

that's what I'm hoping for anyhow.

The character that I'm planning for my book

must be a complete impostor,

it's one of the most important factors of the whole story.

Do you think she tells fortunes?

I love having my fortune told.

Yes, I expect so.

Have you ever attended her, Doctor, professionally I mean?

Oh, yes, she had influenza last January,

she's only been here just over a year, you know.

[doorbell ringing] Here she is.

I say, she knows, doesn't she, about tonight?

You're not gonna spring it on her?

No, of course not, it was all arranged last week.

I told her how profoundly interested I was

and she blossomed like a rose.

I really feel quite nervous,

as if I were going to make a speech.

- Go and meet her, darling. - Hm.

[quirky orchestral music]

[door clicking]

[dramatic orchestral music]

- [Arcati] Oh, good evening. - Hm?

[door thudding]

I've leant my bike up against that little bush out there,

it'll be perfectly all right if no one touches it.

How nice to see you, Madame Arcati.

- My dear Madame Arcati. - I'm afraid I'm rather late,

but I had a sudden presentiment,

that I was going to have a puncture,

so I went back to fetch my pump

and then of course I didn't have a puncture at all.

Perhaps you will on the way home.

Oh, thank you.

- You know-- - Dr. Bradman.

The man with the gentle hands.

I'm delighted to see you looking so well.

[Madame Arcati laughing] This is my wife.

- Hello. - We're old friends,

we meet coming out of shops.

Would you like a cocktail?

If it's a dry Martini, yes, if it's a concoction, no.

Experience has taught me to be very wary of concoctions.

- It is a dry Martini. - How delicious.

We do so much appreciate your coming all this way,

- Madame Arcati. - Oh, nonsense,

it was wonderful cycling through the woods this evening,

I was deafened with birdsong.

It's been lovely all day.

Ah, but the evening's the time, mark my words.

Thank you.

Cheers, cheers!

Don't you find it tiring, bicycling everywhere?

On the contrary, it stimulates me,

I was getting far too sedentary in London,

that horrid little flat with the dim lights.

They had to be dim, you know, the clients expect it.

This is the best dry Martini I've had for years.

- Would you like another? - Certainly.

I must say, I find bicycling very exhausting.

A steady rhythm, that's what does it.

Once you get the knack of it, you need never look back,

on you get and away you go.

But the hills, Madame Arcati,

pushing up those awful hills.

Just knack again, down with your head, up with your heart

and you're over the top like a flash

and skimming down the other side like a dragonfly.

Dinner is served, ma'am.

Thank you, Edith.

Oh, no red meat, I hope?

There's meat, but I don't think it'll be very red.

I make it a rule never to eat red meat before I work.

Would you rather have an egg or something?

Oh, no, thank you, we'll risk it.

It's just that it sometimes has an odd effect.

What sort of effect?

Nothing of the least importance.

Thank you.

How do you get in touch with people

on the other side, Madame Arcati?

Oh, through a control, of course,

in my case, a little girl, they're generally the best.

Some mediums prefer Indians, of course,

but personally I've always found them unreliable.

In what way, unreliable?

Well, to start with, they're frightfully lazy.

Also, when faced with any sort of difficulty,

they're apt to go off into their own tribal language,

which is naturally unintelligible,

that generally spoils everything

and wastes a good deal of time.

Do you feel funny when you go off into a trance?

In what way, funny?

I don't think Mrs. Bradman means funny

in its comic implication, I think she meant strange or odd.

The word was an unfortunate choice.

Well, I'm sure I'm very sorry.

Oh, it doesn't matter in the least.

Please don't apologize.

When did you first discover

that you had these remarkable powers?

When I was quite tiny,

my mother was a medium before me, you see,

so I had every opportunity of starting on the ground floor,

you might say, I had my first trance

when I was four years old

and my first ectoplasmic manifestation

when I was five and a half. [chuckling]

What an exciting day that was, I shall never forget it.

Of course, the manifestation was quite small

and a very short duration,

but for a child of my tender years, it was most gratifying.

Can you tell fortunes?

Certainly not,

I disapprove of fortune-tellers most strongly.

[Ruth clearing throat]

Edith, we don't want to be disturbed

for the next hour or so for any reason whatsoever,

- is that clear? - Yes, ma'am

Unless it's an urgent call for George.

Unless it's an urgent call for Dr. Bradman.

Yes, ma'am.

Well, Madame Arcati, the time is drawing near.

Who knows, it may be receding.

How very true.

I hope you feel in the mood, Madame Arcati.

Well, it isn't a question of mood,

it's a question of concentration.

You must forgive us being so impatient,

we can easily wait if you're not quite ready to start.

No, nonsense, my dear, I'm absolutely ready.

Hey-ho, hey-ho, to work we go!

Is there anything you'd like us to do?

- Do? - Well, sort of hold hands

- or anything? - All that will come later.

First, a few deep, deep breaths of fresh air.

[door clicking]

You may talk, if you wish, it won't disturb me in the least.

[Ruth laughing quietly]

An excellent dinner, darling, I congratulate you.

The mousse wasn't quite right.

It looked a bit hysterical, but it tasted delicious.

That cuckoo's very angry.

I beg your pardon?

I said, that cuckoo was very angry, listen.

How do you know?

Timbre.

No moon, that's as well, I think.

A mist rising from the marshes.

There's no need for me to light my bicycle lamp, is there?

I mean, no one's likely to fall over it?

No, we're not expecting anyone else.

Splendid.

Goodnight, you foolish bird.

[door thudding]

You have a table?

Well, we rather thought that one might do.

I think the one there would be better.

Over here, Mr. Condomine, please.

This is the moment that I always hate.

- Are you nervous? - Yes.

When I was a girl, I always used to be sick.

How fortunate that you grew out of it.

Children are always much more prone

to be sick than grown-ups though, aren't they?

♪ Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper ♪

♪ What should he have but brown bread and butter ♪

I despise that because it doesn't rhyme at all,

but Daphne loves it.

Who's Daphne?

Daphne is Madame Arcati's control, she's the little girl.

Oh, yes, yes, of course, I see, how old is she?

Rising seven when she died.

And when was that? February the 6th, 1884.

She must be a bit long in the tooth by now,

I should think.

You should think, Dr. Bradman, but I fear you don't,

at least, not profoundly enough.

Please forgive me, Madame Arcati,

I assure you, I'm deeply interested.

It's of no consequence.

Now, will you all sit round the table, please,

and place your hands downwards on it?

Come, Mrs. Bradman.

What about the lights?

All in good time, Mr.. Condomine.

Now, sit down, please.

♪ Diddily-dum-dum dum-dum dum-dum ♪

♪ The fingers should be touching ♪

That's better, I presume that's the gramophone?

Would you like me to start it for you?

- It's an electric one. - No, no,

please stay where you are, I can manage.

Now, what have we here, Brahms? Oh, dear me, no.

Rachmaninoff? Too florid, where's the dance music?

They're the loose ones on the left.

I'm afraid none of them are very new.

Daphne's really more attached to Irving Berlin

than to anyone else, she likes a tune she can hum.

Oh, here's one, "Always."

"Always?"

What's the matter?

Ah, nothing, darling, nothing at all.

Now, there are one or two things,

that I would like to explain,

so will you all listen attentively?

Of course.

Presently, when the music begins,

I'm going to switch out the lights.

I may then either walk about the room for a little

or lie down flat.

In due course, I shall draw up that dear, little stool

and join you at the table.

I shall place myself between you and your wife, Dr. Bradman

and rest my hands lightly upon yours.

I must ask you not to address me

or move or do anything in the least distracting.

- Is that quite, quite clear? - Perfectly.

Of course, I can't guarantee,

that anything will happen at all, Daphne may be unavailable.

She had a head cold recently

and was rather under the weather, poor child.

On the other hand, a great many things might occur,

one of you might have an emanation, for instance,

or we might contact a poltergeist,

which would be extremely destructive and noisy.

In what way destructive?

They throw things, you know.

No, I didn't know.

Now, are you ready to empty your minds?

Do you mean you want us to try and think of nothing?

Absolutely nothing, Dr. Bradman, concentrate on a space

or on a nondescript color, that's really the better way.

- I'll do my level best. - Good work.

[hand patting]

[gramophone clicking]

["Always" by Irving Berlin]

Lights!

[light switch clicking] [gasps] Oh, dear.

[soft orchestral music continues]

Is there anyone there?

Is there anyone there?

One rap for yes, two raps for no.

Is there anyone there?

[table tapping once] Oh!

Is that you, Daphne?

[table tapping once]

Is your cold better, dear?

[table tapping twice]

Oh, I'm so sorry, are you doing anything for it?

[table tapping repeatedly] I'm afraid she's very fretful.

Is there anyone there who wishes to speak to anyone here?

[table tapping once]

Ah, now we're getting somewhere.

Oh, no, Daphne, don't do that, dear, you're hurting me.

Daphne, dear, please!

Oh, be good, there's a dear child. [clears throat]

I'm sorry.

You say there's someone there,

who wishes to speak to someone here?

[table tapping once]

Is it me?

[table tapping twice]

Is it Dr. Bradman?

[table tapping twice]

Is it Mrs. Bradman?

[table tapping twice]

Is it Mrs. Condomine?

[table tapping repeatedly]

Oh, stop it, Daphne, behave yourself.

Is it Mr. Condomine?

[table tapping once]

There's someone who wishes to speak to you, Mr. Condomine.

Well, tell them to leave a message.

[table tapping repeatedly]

I really must ask you not to be flippant, Mr. Condomine.

Charles, how can you be so idiotic?

You'll spoil everything.

I'm sorry, it just slipped out.

Do you know anyone who has passed over recently?

Not recently, except my cousin in the Civil Service

and he wouldn't be likely to want to communicate with me,

we haven't spoken for years.

Are you Mr. Condomine's cousin in the Civil Service?

[table tapping repeatedly]

No, no, I'm afraid we've drawn a blank.

Try and think of someone else, rack your brains.

It might be old Mrs. Plummet, you know,

she died on Whit Monday.

I can't imagine why old Mrs. Plummet

should wish to speak to me, we had very little in common.

It's worth trying.

Are you old Mrs. Plummet?

She was deaf, perhaps you'd better shout.

Are you old Mrs. Plummet?

[sighing] No, there's nobody there at all.

How disappointing, just as we were getting on so nicely.

Violet, be quiet.

Oh, well, I'm afraid there's nothing for it

but for me to go into a trance.

Excuse me a moment, while I start the gramophone.

Not "Always," don't play "Always."

I'm afraid I must, it would be imprudent to change horses

in midstream, if you know what I mean.

Oh, well, have it your own way.

["Always" by Irving Berlin]

[Madame Arcati inhaling deeply]

[Madame Arcati exhaling heavily]

[child's voice] Little Tommy Tucker sings for his supper.

What shall we give him

but brown bread and butter?

That'll be Daphne, she ought to have had her adenoids out.

George, please!

[Daphne screaming]

[Madame Arcati thudding to floor]

- Good heavens! - Ssh!

[table tapping repeatedly]

It's trying to get away, I can't hold it.

Press down hard.

[table thudding]

Ought we to pick it up or leave it where it is?

How the devil should I know?

Well, there's no need to snap at me.

I suppose we'd better pick it up.

[Woman's voice] Leave it where it is.

Who said that?

Who said what?

Somebody said, "Leave it where it is."

- Nonsense, dear. - I heard it distinctly.

Nobody else did, did they?

I never heard a sound.

Oh, it was you, Ruth, you're playing tricks.

I'm doing nothing of the sort, I haven't thought it.

[Woman's voice] Good evening, Charles.

[soft eerie music]

Ventriloquism, that's what it is, ventriloquism,

[Ruth] What's the matter with you?

You must have heard that, one of you must have heard that.

- Heard what? - Do you mean to sit there

solemnly and tell me none of you heard anything at all?

- I certainly didn't. - Neither did I, I wish I had,

I should love to hear something.

It's you who are playing the tricks, Charles,

you're acting to try and frighten us.

I'm not, I swear I'm not.

[Woman's voice] It's difficult to think of what to say

after seven years, but I suppose a "Good evening"

is as good as anything else.

Who are you?

[Elvira] Elvira, of course, don't be so silly.

I can't bear this another minute,

get up, everybody, the entertainment's over.

[light switch clicking]

Charles, how tiresome of you,

just as we were beginning to enjoy ourselves.

Never again, that's all I can say,

never, never again, as long as I live.

Did you hear something we didn't hear really?

No, of course not, I was only pretending.

I knew you were.

Oh, dear, look at Madame Arcati!

What are we to do with her?

Bring her round, bring her round as soon as possible.

She's out, all right.

Bring her round, it's dangerous to leave her like this.

Really, Charles, you're behaving most peculiarly.

Madame Arcati, wake up, time to go home!

- Steady, steady. - Get some brandy.

Get her some brandy.

What on earth's the matter with you?

[Charles] Get some brandy!

Bradman, help me, I'll take the feet.

Lift her into the chair.

Wake up, Madame Arcati.

Little Tommy Tucker, Madame Arcati!

[hand slapping] Here's the brandy.

She's coming round.

Be careful, Charles,

you're spilling it down her dress.

Ah!

Well, that's that.

- Are you all right? - Certainly I am, my dear,

I never felt better in my life.

Well, what happened, was it satisfactory?

Oh, nothing much happened, Madame Arcati,

after you went off.

No, something happened, all right, I can feel it.

No poltergeists, at any rate, that's a good thing.

- Any apparitions? - Not a thing.

[soft eerie music]

What, no ectoplasm?

I'm not quite sure what that is,

but I don't think so.

[Arcarti] Curious, I feel as if something

tremendous had taken place.

[Ruth] Charles pretended he heard a voice

to try and frighten us.

Oh, it was only a joke.

A poor one, if I may say so.

Nevertheless, I'm prepared to swear,

that there's someone else psychic in this room

- apart from myself. - I don't really see

how there could be, Madame Arcati.

I do hope I haven't gone and released something.

However, we're bound to find out within a day or two.

If any manifestations should occur

or you hear any unexpected noises, you might let me know

- at once. - Oh, of course we will,

we'll get in touch with you immediately.

[Arcarti] Well, I really think

- I must be on my way now. - Wouldn't you like something

- before you go? - Oh, no, thank you,

I have some Ovaltine all ready in a saucepan at home,

it only needs hotting up, goodbye, Mrs. Condomine.

It was sweet of you to take all this trouble.

Well, I'm sorry so little occurred,

it's that cold of Daphne's, I expect.

You know what children are,

when there's anything wrong with them.

We must try again some other evening.

- That would be lovely. - Goodnight, Mrs. Bradman.

It was thrilling, it really was,

I felt the table absolutely shaking under my hands.

Goodnight, Doctor.

Congratulations, Madame Arcati.

I'm fully aware of the irony in your voice, Dr. Bradman.

As a matter of fact, you'd make an excellent subject

for telepathic hypnosis, a great chum of mine's an expert,

I'd like her to look you over.

I'm sure I should be charmed. [laughing]

Well, goodnight, everyone.

Goodnight.

Thank you, next time,

we must really put our backs into it, goodnight.

[door thudding]

[all laughing]

Be careful, Mrs. Condomine, she might hear you.

I can't help it, I've been holding this in for ages.

But do you think she really believes?

Of course not, the whole thing's a put-up job.

I must say though, she shoots a more original line

than they generally do.

[Violet] I hope Mr. Condomine got all the atmosphere

- he wanted for his book. - [Ruth] He would have got

a great deal more, if he hadn't spoiled it

by showing off, I'm really very cross with him.

[melodic orchestral music]

I suddenly felt a draft, there must be a window open.

No, they're shut.

Perhaps it was one of those whatchamacallits

Madame Arcati was talking about?

- Elementals? - No, it couldn't be,

she distinctly said it was the wrong time

of the year for elementals.

[all chuckling]

Well, the old girl went pedaling off down the drive

at a hell of a speed. [door thudding]

Had a bit of trouble lighting her lamp.

- [Violet] Poor thing.

[Charles] I've got a theory about her,

you know, I believe she's completely sincere.

[Ruth] Charles, how could she be?

[Doctor] Well, we must be going,

I've got to get up abominably early tomorrow.

I have a patient being operated on in Canterbury.

[Violet] It's been a thrilling evening,

I shall never forget it, it was sweet of you to include us.

Goodnight, Mrs. Condomine, thank you so much.

- Goodnight. - Are you sure

you won't have a drink before you go?

[Doctor] Quite sure, thanks,

I must do a little reading up on the whole business,

- just for the fun of it. - We'll let you know

if we find any poltergeists whirling about.

I should never forgive you if you didn't.

Come along, darling.

[door thudding]

[soft orchestral music]

[match striking]

[match striking]

[soft orchestral music]

[Ruth] Well, darling?

Well? [door thudding]

Would you say the evening had been profitable?

Hm, I suppose so.

- [Ruth] What's the matter? - [George] Matter?

[Ruth] Yes, you seem odd, somehow.

Do you feel quite well?

[George] Hm, I'm fine, I think I'll have a drink,

- do you want one? - [Ruth] No, thank you, dear.

[soft orchestral music]

Brr! It's getting very chilly.

Oh, my God! [glass shattering]

Charles.

That was very clumsy, Charles, dear.

Elvira, then it's true, it-it was you.

Of course it was.

Charles, darling, Charles, what are you talking about?

Are you a, a ghost?

I suppose I must be, it's all very confusing.

What do you keep looking over there for?

Look at me, what's happened?

[Charles] Don't you see?

See what?

Elvira.

Elvira?

Yes, Elvira, dear, this is Ruth, Ruth, this is Elvira.

Come and sit down, darling.

What, do you mean to say you can't see her?

Look, Charles, you just sit down quietly by the fire,

I'll fix you another drink.

Don't worry about the mess on the carpet,

Edith can clean that up in the morning.

But you must be able to see her, she's here,

look, right in front of you here.

Look, Charles, if this is a joke, it's gone far enough.

Now, sit down and don't be idiotic.

Well, what am I to do, what the devil am I to do?

Well, I really think you might be

a little more pleased to see me,

after all, you conjured me up.

I didn't do any such thing.

Nonsense, of course you did.

That awful child with the cold came and told me

that you wanted to see me urgently.

It was all a mistake, a horrible mistake.

Stop talking like that, Charles,

as I've told you before, the joke's gone far enough.

I've gone mad, that's what it is,

I've just gone raving mad.

[Ruth] Now, sit down.

Why are you so anxious for me to sit down?

What good will that do?

I want you to relax, you can't relax standing up.

African natives can, they can stand on one leg for hours.

I don't happen to be an African native.

[decanter thudding]

You don't happen to be a what?

An African native.

What's that got to do with it?

It doesn't matter, Ruth, it really doesn't matter.

We'll say no more about it.

Look, I've sat down.

Here, drink this.

Would you like some more?

Yes, please.

Very unwise, you always had a weak head.

I could drink you under the table.

There's no need to be aggressive, Charles,

I'm doing my best to help you.

[Charles] Sorry.

Now, drink this and then we can go upstairs to bed.

Get rid of her, Charles, then we can talk in peace.

That's a thoroughly immoral suggestion,

you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

What is there immoral in that?

I wasn't talking to you, Ruth.

Who were you talking to then?

- Elvira, of course. - Oh, to blazes with Elvira!

There now, she's getting cross.

- I don't blame her. - Now look here, Charles,

I gather you've got some sort of plan behind all this,

I'm not quite a fool.

Ruth, Elvira is here,

she's standing a few yards away from you.

Yes, dear, I can see her distinctly,

under the piano with the zebra.

- But Ruth. - I'm not going to stay here

- arguing any longer. - [Elvira] Hooray!

- Shut up. - How dare you

- speak to me like that. - But listen, Ruth, please.

I will not listen to any more of this nonsense.

I'm going upstairs to bed now,

I shall leave you to turn out the lights.

I won't be asleep, I'm much too upset,

so you can come in and say goodnight to me,

if you feel like it.

Well, that's big of her, I must say.

Be quiet, you're behaving like a guttersnipe.

That is all I have to say, goodnight, Charles.

[door thudding]

[soft orchestral music]

That was one of the most enjoyable half hours

I've ever spent.

Oh, Elvira, how could you?

Poor Ruth.

This is obviously some sort of hallucination, isn't it?

I'm afraid I don't know the technical term for it.

[Charles] Where have you come from?

Do you know, it's very peculiar,

but I've sort of forgotten.

Will you be here indefinitely?

I'm afraid I don't know that either.

Why, would you hate it so much if I was?

Well, you must admit, it would be embarrassing.

I don't see why really,

it's all a question of adjusting yourself.

Anyway, I think it's horrid of you

to be so unwelcoming and disagreeable.

Now look here, Elvira.

[Elvira] I do, I think you're mean.

Look, try to see my point of view, dear,

I've been married to Ruth for five years

and you've been dead for seven.

Not dead, Charles, passed over,

it's considered very vulgar to say dead where I come from.

Passed over then.

I don't believe you love me anymore.

I shall always love the memory of you.

Well, I really am a little hurt, you called me back

and at great inconvenience, I came

and you've been thoroughly churlish ever since I arrived.

Believe me, Elvira, I most emphatically

did not call you back, there's been some mistake.

Perhaps it was your subconscious.

[Charles] Well, you must find out if you're going to stay

or not and we can make arrangements accordingly.

I don't see how I can.

Well, try and think, isn't there anyone you know,

that you can get in touch with over there,

or on the other side or whatever it's called,

who can advise you?

No, I can't think, it all seems so far away,

as though I'd dreamed it.

Oh, Charles.

What is it?

Well, I want to cry,

but I don't think I'm able to.

What would you want to cry for?

Well, seeing you again and you being so irascible

like you always used to be.

I don't mean to be irascible, Elvira.

Darling, I don't mind really, I never did.

Is it cold being a ghost?

No, I don't think so.

What happens if I touch you?

I doubt if you can.

Do you want to?

[soft orchestral music]

Oh, Elvira.

[soft eerie music]

What is it, darling?

It certainly does seem strange seeing you again.

That's better.

What's better?

Your voice was kinder.

Was I ever unkind to you when you were alive?

- Often. - Oh, how can you,

- I'm sure you're exaggerating. - Not at all,

you were an absolute pig that time we went to Cornwall

and stayed in that awful hotel.

You hit me with a billiard cue.

Hm, but only very, very gently.

I loved you very much.

I loved you too.

[soft orchestral music]

No, I can't touch you, isn't that horrible?

Hm, perhaps it's just as well

if I'm to stay here for any length of time.

Right, well, I shall wake up eventually,

but I feel strangely peaceful now.

That's right, put your head back.

Like this?

Can you feel anything?

[Charles] Only a very little breeze through my hair.

[Elvira] Well, that's better than nothing.

[door clicking]

[Charles] I suppose if I'm really out of my mind,

they'll put me in an asylum.

[Elvira] Don't you worry about that, just relax.

[Charles] Poor Ruth.

[Elvira] [laughs softly] Nuts to Ruth.

[door thudding]

[clock ticking]

[gentle orchestral music]

[light switch clicking]

[tense orchestral music]

[light switch clicking]

[soft orchestral music]

[tense orchestral music]

[door thudding]

Hm?

[gentle orchestral music]

[melodic orchestral music]

[Charles] Good morning, Edith.

- Good morning, sir. - Feeling fit?

[Edith] Yes, sir, thank you, sir.

- How's Cook? - I don't know, sir,

- I haven't asked her. - You should,

you should begin every day by asking everyone

how they are, it oils the wheels.

Yes, sir.

Greet her for me, will you?

Yes, sir.

[soft orchestral music]

Good morning, darling.

- Good morning, Charles. - It certainly is.

- What certainly is what? - A good morning,

a tremendously good morning, there isn't a cloud in the sky

and everything looks newly washed.

Anything interesting in "The Times?"

Don't be silly, Charles.

I intend to work all day.

Good.

It's extraordinary about daylight, isn't it?

How do you mean?

The way it reduces everything to normal.

I'm sure I'm very glad to hear it.

You're very glacial this morning.

Are you surprised?

Yes, I take back what I said

about it being a good morning, it's a horrid morning.

You'd better eat your breakfast while it's hot.

It isn't. [teacup clattering]

Now look here, Charles, in your younger days,

this display of roguish flippancy

might have been alluring,

in a middle-aged novelist, it's nauseating.

I don't see what I've done that's so awful?

You behaved abominably last night,

you wounded me and insulted me.

I was the victim of an aberration.

Nonsense, you were drunk.

Drunk?

You had two strong dry Martinis before dinner,

a great deal too much Burgundy at dinner,

heaven knows how much port you had with Dr. Bradman,

while I was doing my best to entertain that mad woman

and two large brandies later, I gave them to you myself,

- of course you were drunk. - That's your story, is it?

I wasn't in the least drunk, Ruth,

something happened to me last night,

something very peculiar happened to me.

I really don't wish to discuss it any further.

But you must discuss it, it's very disturbing.

I swear to you that during the seance, I was convinced

- I heard Elvira's voice. - Nobody else did.

Well, I can't help that, I did.

- You couldn't have. - And later on,

I was equally convinced she was in the room,

I saw her distinctly and talked to her.

After you'd gone to bed, we had quite a cozy, little chat.

And you seriously expect me to believe,

that you weren't drunk?

I know I wasn't drunk, if I'd been all that drunk,

I should have a dreadful hangover, shouldn't I?

I'm not at all sure that you haven't.

Well, I haven't got a trace of a headache,

my tongue's not coated, look at it.

[Ruth] I've not the least desire to look at your tongue,

kindly put it in again.

Please, ma'am.

[Ruth] Yes, Edith?

Cook wants to know about lunch, ma'am.

Will you be in to lunch, Charles?

Oh, please don't worry about me, I shall be

perfectly happy with a bottle of gin in my bedroom.

Don't be silly, dear.

Tell Cook we shall both be in, Edith.

Yes, ma'am.

[melodic orchestral music] [typewriter keys tapping]

[typewriter dinging] [typewriter carriage whirring]

I'm going into Hythe this morning,

- is there anything you want? - Yes, a great deal,

but I doubt if you can get it in Hythe.

I've put Alka-Seltzer down on my list.

Women, what I think of women.

Your view of women is academic, to say the least of it,

just because you've always been dominated by them,

it doesn't necessarily follow

that you know anything about them.

I've never been dominated by anyone.

You were hag-ridden by your mother until you were 23,

then you got into the clutches

of that awful Mrs. whatever her name was.

Mrs. Winthrop-Llewellyn. [typewriter keys tapping]

I'm not interested, then there was Elvira,

she ruled you with a rod of iron.

Elvira never ruled anyone,

she was far too elusive, it was one of her greatest charms.

Then there was Maud Charteris.

If you wish to make an inventory of my sex life, dear,

I think it only fair to tell you,

that you've missed out several episodes.

I'll consult my diary

and give you a complete list after lunch.

[melodic orchestral music]

Charles.

[Charles] Yes?

Alcohol will ruin your whole life

if you allow it to get a hold on you, you know.

[glass clattering]

Once and for all, Ruth, I'd like you to understand,

that what happened last night

was nothing whatever to do with alcohol.

I grant you, it may have been some form of psychic delusion,

but I was stone-cold sober from first to last

and extremely upset into the bargain.

You were upset, indeed, what about me?

You behaved with a stolid, obtuse lack of comprehension,

which frankly shocked me.

Instead of putting out a gentle, calming hand to guide me,

you shouted staccato orders at me like a sergeant major.

You called me a guttersnipe, you told me to shut up

and when I quietly suggested,

that we should go upstairs to bed,

you said, with a most disgusting leer,

- it was an immoral suggestion. - I was talking to Elvira.

If you were, I can only say,

it conjures up a fragrant picture of your first marriage.

My first marriage was perfectly charming

and I think it's in the worst possible taste

- for you to sneer at it. - I'm not nearly so interested

in your first marriage as you seem to think I am,

it's your second marriage that is absorbing me

at the moment, it seems to me to be on the rocks.

Only because you persist

in taking up this ridiculous attitude.

My attitude is that of any normal woman,

whose husband gets drunk and hurls abuse at her.

I was not drunk!

[Ruth] Quiet, they'll hear you in the kitchen.

I don't care if they hear me in the Folkestone Town Hall,

I was not drunk!

Did you call, sir?

[Charles] No!

[soft orchestral music]

[birds chirping]

Charles, dear, if you weren't drunk,

- how do you account for it? - I can't account for it,

- that's what's so awful. - What did you have for lunch?

You ought to know, you had it with me.

Let me see, there was lemon sole and that cheese thing.

Why should having a cheese thing for lunch

make me see my deceased wife after dinner?

You never know, it was rather rich.

Why didn't you see your dead husband then?

You had just as much of it as I did.

This isn't getting us anywhere.

No, of course it isn't.

[soft orchestral music]

[water pouring]

[lid clanking]

Charles, dear.

[Charles] Yes?

Perhaps there's something pressing on your brain.

If there was something pressing on my brain,

I should have violent headaches, shouldn't I?

Not necessarily, an uncle of mine had a lump

the size of a cricket ball pressing on his brain for years

and he never felt a thing.

Well, I know I should know if I had anything like that.

[Ruth] He didn't.

- Well, what happened to him? - He had it taken out,

he's been as bright as a button ever since.

Did he have any sort of delusions?

Did he think he saw things that weren't there?

No, I don't think so.

Then what the blazes are we talking about him for?

A sheer waste of valuable time.

Well, I just brought him up as an example.

How do you feel now?

- Physically, do you mean? - Well, altogether.

Apart from being worried, I feel quite normal.

Good, you're not seeing or hearing

anything in the least unusual?

Not a thing.

[soft orchestral music]

[chair clattering] What's the matter now?

She's here again.

What do you mean, who's here again?

Elvira.

You've absolutely ruined that border by the sundial,

it looks like a mixed salad.

Charles, pull yourself together.

All those nasturtiums, they're so vulgar.

I like nasturtiums.

You like what?

They're all right in moderation,

but in a mass like that, they look beastly.

Help me, Ruth, you've got to help me.

What did you mean about nasturtiums?

Never mind about that now, I tell you, she's here again.

You've been having some nice scenes, haven't you?

Please mind your own business!

If you behaving like a lunatic isn't my business,

I don't know what is.

I expect they were about me, weren't they?

I know I ought to feel sorry, but I'm not, I'm delighted.

How can you be so inconsiderate?

Inconsiderate? I like that.

I've done everything I can to help,

I've controlled myself admirably

and I'd like to say here and now,

I don't believe a word about your beastly hallucination.

- Ruth, please. - Don't come near me.

Let her have a nice cry, it'll do her good.

- You're utterly heartless. - Heartless?

I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Elvira!

Very well, go on talking to her then,

talk to her until you're blue in the face,

but don't talk to me.

Help me, Elvira.

- How? - Well, make her see you

- or something. - Oh, I'm afraid

I couldn't possibly manage that,

it's technically the most difficult business,

frightfully complicated, you know, takes years of study.

I don't care how technical it is, you've got to try.

You are here, aren't you, you're not an illusion?

No, I was afraid not.

Yes, but--

Well.

No, I don't mean to be rude, but you must see--

Yes, well, you must make me a promise,

in future, you only come and talk to me when I'm alone.

Well, that's better than not seeing me at all.

- Charles. - Yes, dear?

I'm awfully sorry I was cross.

But my dear.

I understand everything now, I do really.

- You do? - Of course I do.

Look out, she's up to something.

- Will you please be quiet? - Of course, darling,

we'll all be quiet, won't we?

We'll be as quiet as little mice.

But Ruth, dear--

Now I want you to come upstairs with me and go to bed.

The way that woman harps on bed.

I'll deal with you later.

Very well, darling, come along.

What are you up to?

I'm not up to anything, I just want you to go

quietly to bed and wait there till Dr. Bradman comes.

No, Ruth, you're wrong!

She'll have you in a straitjacket

before you know where you are.

[Charles] Listen, Ruth, if I promise to go to bed,

would you let me stay here for five minutes longer?

I really think it would be much better--

Now bear with me, however mad it may seem,

bear with me for just five minutes longer.

Very well, what is it?

Sit down.

All right, there.

Now, listen, listen carefully.

Have a cigarette, it'll soothe your nerves.

I don't want a cigarette.

Then you shan't have one, darling.

I want to explain to you calmly and without emotion,

that beyond any shadow of doubt,

the ghost or shade or whatever you like to call it

of my first wife, Elvira is in this room now.

Yes, dear.

I know you don't believe me

and you're trying valiantly to humor me,

but I'm going to prove it to you.

Promise you'll do what I ask.

Well, that depends on what it is.

Ruth, you see this bowl of flowers on the table?

Yes, dear, I did them myself this morning.

Very untidily, if I may say so.

- You may not. - Very well,

I never will again, I promise.

Elvira will now carry the bowl of flowers

over to you and back again.

You will, Elvira, won't you, just to please me?

Well, just once, please?

Thank you. Now, watch carefully, Ruth.

Yes, dear.

Well, go on, Elvira, take them over to Ruth.

[soft eerie music]

How dare you, Charles,

you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

[Charles] What on earth for?

Oh, it's a trick, I know it's a trick.

You've been working up to this,

it's all part of some horrible plan.

It isn't, I swear it isn't.

Elvira, for heaven's sake, do something else.

Certainly, anything to oblige.

You want to get rid of me,

you're trying to drive me out of my mind.

[soft eerie music]

I'm not going to put up with this any longer.

You must believe me, you must!

- Let me go immediately. - It was Elvira,

- I swear it was. -Let me go.

Ruth, please!

[quirky orchestral music]

Charles, this is madness, sheer madness.

It's some sort of autosuggestion, isn't it?

Some form of hypnotism, swear to me it's only that.

Hypnotism, my foot!

[ornament shattering]

[Ruth screaming] [dramatic orchestral music]

[melodic orchestral music]

[birds chirping]

[Ruth knocking]

[dog barking in distance]

[door clicking]

Oh, my dear Mrs. Condomine, how nice of you to call.

I do hope it isn't inconvenient.

Inconvenient, good heavens, no.

[doorbell clicking]

Come inside.

Oh, do go into the sitting room, Mrs. Condomine.

[door thudding] [bird squawking softly]

You're just in time for a cup of tea,

that's if you don't mind China.

- Not at all. - I never touch Indian,

it upsets my vibrations.

Well, do come and sit down.

[kettle whistling]

Good egg, I'll have this made in a jiffy.

Madame Arcati, I'm profoundly disturbed

- and I want your help. - Splendid, I thought as much.

Well, fire away.

It's most awfully difficult to explain.

Well, facts first,

- explanations afterwards. - It's the facts,

that are so difficult to explain, they are so fantastic.

Facts very often are.

Come now, take the plunge, out with it.

You've heard strange noises in the night, no doubt,

boards creaking, doors slamming,

subdued moaning in the passages, isn't that it?

[Ruth] No, I'm afraid it isn't.

No sudden gusts of cold wind, I hope?

No, it's worse than that.

I'm all attention.

I know it sounds idiotic, but the other night,

during the seance, something happened.

I knew it, probably a poltergeist.

They're enormously cunning, you know,

they sometimes lie doggo for days.

Poltergeist, poltergeist, pretty poltergeist.

Now, carry on, I'm all ears.

[Ruth] You know my husband was married before?

Yes, I had heard it mentioned.

His first wife, Elvira, died comparatively young,

she was convalescing from pneumonia

and one evening, she began to laugh helplessly

at one of the BBC musical programs

- and died of a heart attack. - Just a moment, please.

Now, where did she die?

In our present house.

[Madame Arcati whistling]

I'm beginning to see daylight.

She materialized the other evening after I'd gone?

Not to me, but to my husband.

Capital, capital, oh, but that's splendid!

At last, at last, a genuine materialization.

♪ Da-da-da-da ♪

Please sit down, Madame Arcati.

How could anyone sit down at such a moment?

It's tremendous!

I haven't had such a success since the Sudbury case.

Nevertheless, I must insist upon you sitting down

and controlling your natural exuberance.

I fully appreciate your pride in your achievement,

but I would like to point out,

it's made my position in the house untenable

and I hold you entirely responsible.

Well, forgive me, Mrs. Condomine,

I'm being abominably selfish.

How can I help you?

How, by sending her back immediately

to where she came from, of course.

[Arcati] Well, where is she now?

My husband's driven her into Folkestone.

Apparently she was anxious to see an old friend of hers,

who's staying at The Grand.

[melodic orchestral music]

This whole business is very difficult for Ruth,

you must be fair.

Well, she should learn to be more adaptable.

Well, she probably will in time.

I doubt it, Charles, she's got a hard mouth.

It's her mouth gives her away.

Her mouth's got nothing to do with it.

I resent your discussing Ruth as though she were a horse.

[Elvira laughing]

I take it your husband was devoted to her?

I believe so.

"Husband devoted."

It was apparently a reasonably happy marriage.

Oh, da da da da!

You say she is visible only to your husband?

Yes.

"Visible only to husband."

Audible too, I presume?

Extremely audible.

"Extremely audible."

[cars rumbling]

Do you love her?

Yes, of course.

As much as you loved me?

Don't be silly, it's entirely different.

You always behaved very badly

and I'm grieved to see that your sojourn in the other world

hasn't improved you in the least.

[melodic orchestral music]

[soft orchestral music]

[dramatic orchestral music]

[soft orchestral music]

[dramatic orchestral music]

The time has come for me to admit to you frankly,

Mrs. Condomine, that I haven't the faintest idea

how to get rid of her.

Do you mean to sit there and tell me

that having mischievously conjured up this ghost

or spirit or whatever she is

and placed me in a hideous position,

you are unable to do anything about it?

Well, honesty is the best policy.

But this is outrageous,

I-I ought to hand you over to the police.

You go too far, Mrs. Condomine.

I go too far, indeed?

Do you realize what your insane, amateur muddling has done?

I have been a professional ever since I was a child,

Mrs. Condomine, amateur is a word that I cannot tolerate.

It seems to be the height of amateurishness

to invoke malignant spirits and not be able

- to get rid of them. - I resent your tone,

Mrs. Condomine, I really do.

You most decidedly have no right to,

you are to blame for the whole horrible situation.

May I remind you that I came to your house

on your own invitation?

On my husband's invitation, the whole thing was planned

in order for him to get material for a mystery story

he's writing about a homicidal medium.

Am I to understand that I was only invited

in a spirit of mockery?

No, no, not at all, he merely wanted to make notes

of some of the tricks of the trade.

"Tricks of the trade?" Insufferable!

I've never been so insulted in my life.

[door clicking] I feel we have nothing more

to say to one another, Mrs. Condomine.

But Madame Arcati, please!

Your attitude from the onset has been most unpleasant,

some of your remarks have been discourteous in the extreme

and I would like to say without umbrage,

that if you and your husband have been foolish enough

to tamper with the unseen for paltry motives

and in a spirit of ribaldry,

whatever has happened to you is your own fault

and to coin a phrase, as far as I'm concerned,

you can stew in your own juice.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Condomine.

[soft orchestral music]

[car rumbling quietly]

What on earth are you doing here?

I've been calling on Madame Arcati.

Whatever for? To get rid of me, of course,

to get me exorcized.

Is that true, Ruth?

Is what true?

That you went to Madame Arcati to get Elvira exorcized?

We discussed the possibility.

There's a snake in the grass for you.

I'm afraid Elvira's sitting here.

Oh, to blazes with Elvira!

[quirky orchestral music]

[soft orchestral music]

You know, Charles, she's absolutely ruined this room.

She's done nothing of the kind,

it's all a question of taste.

My poor darling Charles, as far as taste is concerned,

your second marriage was a disaster.

Just look at that awful picture and that terrifying dress.

But what's the matter with it?

What's the matter with what?

I think it's very charming.

Really, the situation is impossible and you know it.

If only you'd make an effort to be a little more friendly

to Elvira, we might all have quite a jolly time.

I have no wish to have a jolly time with Elvira.

She's certainly very bad-tempered, isn't she?

I can't think why you married her.

Where is she at the moment?

She's on the, in the chair.

Oh, you are sweet, Charles, darling, I worship you.

I want to be perfectly frank with you, Elvira.

Hold on to your hats, boys.

I admit I did see Madame Arcati

with a view to having you exorcized.

I think if you'd been in my position,

you would've done exactly the same.

[Charles] What did Madame Arcati say?

[Ruth] She said she couldn't do a thing.

Hooray!

Don't be upset, Ruth, dear, we shall adjust ourselves,

you know, you must admit, it's a unique position.

I can see no reason why we shouldn't get

a great deal of fun out of it.

Fun, how can you, Charles? You must be out of your mind.

Yes, I thought I was at first, but now, I must admit,

I'm beginning to enjoy myself.

Oh, this is intolerable!

For heaven's sake, don't get into another state.

I have been doing my level best

to control myself since yesterday morning

and I am not going to do it anymore!

I don't like Elvira any more than she likes me

and what's more, I'm sure I never could have, dead or alive.

If, since her untimely arrival the other evening,

she'd shown the slightest sign of good manners,

the slightest sign of breeding,

I might have felt differently toward her.

As it is, all she's done is try to make mischief between us,

to have private jokes with you against me.

First thing tomorrow, I'm going up to London

to interview the Psychical Research Society

and if they fail me,

I shall go straight to the Archbishop of Canterbury!

[door thudding]

[door clicking]

I shall be back on the 6:45.

You and Elvira can have the house to yourselves

and joke and gossip with each other

till your hearts' content.

[birds chirping]

It's clouding over.

You have a genius for understatement.

[car door thudding] [car engine starting]

[door thudding]

[clock chiming]

[dramatic orchestral music] [rain pouring]

[ambulance rumbling]

[car door thudding]

[door clicking]

Edith!

Edith!

[dramatic orchestral music]

Cook, what on earth's happened?

Where's Edith?

[dramatic orchestral music]

[soft orchestral music]

[door clicking]

Charles?

Nothing to worry about, Mrs. Condomine,

it's only a slight strain.

Oh, I'm so relieved, but who was in the ambulance?

That, dear, was the gardener.

Men are much worse patients than women, you know,

particularly highly-strung men like your husband.

Is he highly strung, do you think?

I'm afraid he's been overworking lately.

- Overworking? - He's in rather

a nervous condition, nothing serious, you understand.

- What makes you think so? - I know the symptoms.

What symptoms?

Oh, it's nothing to be unduly alarmed about,

a certain air of strain, an inability to focus his eyes

on the person he's talking to,

a few rather marked irrelevancies

in his conversation.

I see, can you remember any specific example?

Oh, yes, he suddenly shouted,

"What are you doing in the bathroom?"

And then a little later, when I was writing him

a prescription, he suddenly said,

"For heaven's sake, behave yourself."

How extraordinary and how is poor Edith?

She'll be all right in a few days,

it's only a slight concussion.

[door thudding] How does it feel now?

All right, is this darn sling really essential?

I had hoped to drive into Folkestone this evening.

Be much better if you didn't.

You could easily wait and go tomorrow.

I can't stand another of those dreary evenings at home,

Charles, it'll drive me dotty.

Besides, I haven't seen a movie for seven years.

Let me be the first to congratulate you.

What's that, old man?

Charles, do try to be sensible, I implore you.

- Sorry, I forgot. - You can drive the car,

if you go very slowly and carefully,

use your right arm as little as possible.

[bag thudding] [Condomine wincing]

Thank you.

Goodbye, Mrs. Condomine.

Goodbye.

I'll pop round and see you again tomorrow morning.

Thank you.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

[door thudding]

Charles.

- Yes? - Where's Elvira?

She slipped out of the front door with Dr. Bradman.

Are you sure she's not here?

Yes, quite sure.

Good, I want to talk to you.

Oh, dear, you're not going to start making scenes again,

are you? [door thudding]

This is a fight, Charles,

it's a duel to the death between Elvira and me.

Oh, melodramatic hysteria.

The poor, little thing comes back trusting me

after all these years in the other world only to have--

Elvira is about as trusting as a puff adder

and a good deal more dangerous into the bargain.

- Dangerous? - She came here

with one purpose and one purpose only

and if you can't see it,

you're a bigger fool than I thought you.

What purpose could she have,

beyond the natural desire to see me again?

After all, you must remember,

she was extremely attached to me, poor child.

Her purpose is perfectly obvious,

it's to get you to herself forever.

That's absurd, how could she?

By killing you off, of course.

Killing me off? You're mad.

Doesn't it strike you as peculiar that you, Cook, Edith

and Webb all met with violent accidents on the same day?

Yes, but why should she want to kill me?

I could understand her wanting to kill you, but why me?

If you were dead, it would be her final triumph over me,

she'd have you forever on her beastly astral plane

and I'd be left high and dry.

She's probably planning some sort of spiritual remarriage,

I wouldn't put anything past her.

Ruth!

For heaven's sake, stop looking like a wounded spaniel

and concentrate, this is serious.

I'm going to see Madame Arcati,

I don't care how cross she is, she's got to help us.

Even if she can't get rid of Elvira, she must know

some technical method of rendering her harmless.

I'll be back in half an hour.

Tell Elvira I've gone to see the vicar.

This is appalling.

Never mind about that.

Remember now, don't give yourself away

by so much as the flick of an eyelid.

[door clicking]

- Look out. - What?

I merely said it was a nice lookout.

What is a nice lookout?

The-the weather, Elvira.

I find it very difficult to believe,

that at this particular moment, you and Ruthie can't think

of anything more interesting to talk about than the weather.

Ah, but the glass has gone down and down

and down, it's positively macabre.

Charles and I were not discussing the weather, Elvira,

I was trying to persuade him not to drive you

into Folkestone this evening, it would be bad for his arm

and you can easily wait to go tomorrow.

However, as he seems determined

to place your wishes before mine in everything,

I really have nothing further to say.

I'm sure I hope you both enjoy yourselves very much.

[doors thudding] Are you ready?

What for?

To go to Folkestone, of course.

I just want a glass of sherry first.

I don't believe you want to take me at all.

Of course I want to take you,

but I still think it'll be more sensible

to wait until tomorrow, it's a filthy night.

Oh, how familiar all this is.

In what way, familiar?

All through our married life,

I only had to suggest something

for you immediately to start hedging me off.

I wasn't hedging you off, I merely said that I thought--

Oh, all right, we'll spend

another nice, cozy, intimate evening at home,

with Ruth sewing away at that hideous table center

and snapping at us like a terrier.

Ruth is perfectly aware the table center's hideous,

it happens to be a birthday present for her mother.

If you don't behave, I shan't take you into Folkestone ever.

Oh, please, Charles, don't be elderly and grand with me,

please, let's go now.

Not until I've had my sherry,

besides, the car won't be back for half an hour at least.

What do you mean?

Ruth's taken it, she had to go and see the vicar.

What?

What's the matter?

Are you saying that Ruth has taken the car?

Yes, to go and see the vicar,

- but she won't be long. - Oh, Charles, oh, Charles.

What are you behaving like that for,

what have you done?

Done, I haven't done anything.

- Elvira, you're lying. - I'm not lying,

- what's there to lie about? - What are you

- in such in a state for? - I'm not in a state,

I don't know what you mean.

You've done something dreadful.

Don't look at me like that, Charles, I haven't,

- I swear I haven't. - The car, that's it, the car.

- No, Charles, no. - Ruth was right,

you were trying to kill me,

you've done something to the car.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[door clicking]

Ruth! [car rumbling]

Ruth!

[phone ringing]

Hello, yes?

Speaking.

[Charles] Yes.

The bridge at the bottom of the hill?

Yes, yes, I'll come at once.

[tense orchestral music] [wind gusting]

[door thudding]

[door clicking]

[door thudding]

[tense orchestral music]

Ruth!

Well, of all the filthy, low-down tricks.

[hand slapping] Ow, Ruth!

Stop it, get away, stop it, leave me along, oh!

[door thudding] Leave me alone.

[tense orchestral music]

Oh, Ruth!

Oh, Ruth! [door clicking]

Leave me alone!

[door thudding]

[Elvira] Oh, Ruth!

[hand slapping] Ow, oh! [sobbing]

[soft orchestral music]

[Edith knocking] Come in.

[door clicking]

Thank you, Edith.

[light switch clicking]

[phone ringing]

Oh.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Mr. Condomine.

I hope you won't consider this an intrusion, Mr. Condomine,

but I felt a tremendous urge, like a rushing wind,

so I hopped on my bike and here I am.

I reproach myself bitterly, you know,

I threw out the sponge, in a moment of crisis,

I threw out the sponge,

instead of throwing down the gauntlet.

Yes, well, whatever you threw, Madame Arcati,

I'm afraid there's nothing whatever to be done.

Oh, but there is, there is, I've found a formula.

It came to me last night, Mr. Condomine,

it came to me in a blinding flash.

I'd just finished my Ovaltine and turned out the light,

when I suddenly started up in bed with a loud cry,

"Great Scott!" I said, "I've got it!"

And at three in the morning, with my brain fairly seething,

I went to work on my crystal for a little.

Pluck up your heart, Mr. Condomine, all is not lost.

I'm very glad to hear it, but I think

we should leave things as they are for the present.

[Arcati] I, I, I, Mr. Condomine,

if you'll pardon my bluntness, Mr. Condomine,

I think you're a piffling idiot!

You're at liberty to think whatever you please.

Oh, well, have it your own way, Mr. Condomine,

but I warn you, that it's no good locking the stable door

after the horse has gone!

[receiver clattering] Hm.

[receiver clattering]

Charles, I can't stand this house another minute.

Really, Elvira, I'm surprised at you.

I don't care how surprised you are, I want to go home.

- Now, don't be childish. - I'm not being childish.

Ruth has hardly left my side for a minute.

Well, is she here now?

No, she's upstairs, lying down, the funeral exhausted her.

This whole thing has been a failure,

a dreary, miserable failure

and oh, what high hopes I started out with.

You can't expect much sympathy from me, you know,

I'm perfectly aware that your highest hope was to murder me.

Don't put it like that, it sounds so beastly.

Anyway, it was only because I loved you.

The silliest thing I ever did

in my whole life was to love you,

you were always unworthy of me.

That remark comes perilously near impertinence, Elvira.

I sat there on the other side, day after day,

just longing for you, I did, really.

That was why I put myself down for a return visit

and had to fill in all those forms

and wait about in drafty passages for hours.

If only you'd died before you met Ruth,

everything might have been all right.

She's absolutely ruined you, I hadn't been in the house

for a day before I realized that.

Your books aren't a quarter as good

- as they used to be either. - That's entirely untrue,

Ruth helped me and encouraged me in my work,

which is more than you ever did.

I should think that's probably what's wrong with it.

All you thought about was going to parties

and enjoying yourself.

Well, why shouldn't I have fun, I died young, didn't I?

You needn't have died at all,

if you hadn't been idiotic enough to go out in that punt

with Guy Henderson and got soaked to the skin.

It was not a punt, it was a little launch.

I don't care if it was a three-masted schooner,

you had no right to go.

You behaved abominably over Guy Henderson,

there's no use pretending you didn't.

Guy adored me and anyway, he was very attractive.

You told me distinctly,

that he didn't attract you in the least.

Well, you'd have gone through the roof,

if I'd told you that he did.

Anyway, you seem to forget why I went,

you seem to forget that you spent the entire evening

making sheep's eyes at that overblown harridan

in the false pearls.

A woman in Cynthia Cheviot's position

would hardly wear false pearls.

Well, they were practically all she was wearing.

Yes, I'm pained to observe that seven years

in the echoing vaults of eternity

have in no way impaired your native vulgarity.

That was the remark of a pompous ass.

I'm sick of these insults, please go away.

There's nothing I should like to do better.

You've got to get hold of that old girl again

and set her to work, I won't tolerate this another minute.

[Elvira sobbing] For heaven's sake,

don't snivel.

She's got to get me out of this, I want to go home.

I quite agree and the sooner the better.

On looking back on our married years, Elvira,

I see now with horrid clarity,

that they were nothing but a mockery.

You invite mockery, Charles,

it's something to do with your personality, I think,

a certain seedy grandeur.

- Once and for all-- - You never suspected it,

but I laughed at you steadily from the altar to the grave,

all your ridiculous, petty jealousies

and your fussings and fumings.

You were feckless and irresponsible and

morally unstable,

I realized that before we left Budleigh Salterton.

Nobody but a monumental bore would have thought

of having a honeymoon in Budleigh Salterton.

And what is the matter with Budleigh Salterton?

I was an eager young bride, Charles,

I wanted glamour and music and romance.

What I got was potted palms,

seven hours of every day on a damp golf course

and a three-piece orchestra playing "Merry England."

Pity you didn't tell me so at the time.

I did, but you wouldn't listen.

That was why I went out on the moors that day

with Captain Bracegirdle, I was desperate.

You swore to me that you'd gone over

to see your aunt in Exmouth.

Hm, it was the moors.

With Captain Bracegirdle?

Hm, with Captain Bracegirdle.

With Captain Brace, I might have known it.

What a fool I was, what a blind fool.

Did he make love to you?

Of course.

Oh, Elvira.

Only very discreetly, he was in the cavalry, you know.

All I can say is that I'm well rid of you.

Unfortunately, you're not.

No, with any luck, I soon will be.

[quirky orchestral music] [rain pouring]

[Charles knocking]

Ah, Mr. Condomine,

well, I can't say I'm entirely surprised.

I'm afraid I've broken your...

[doorbell clicking]

Do come inside.

[door thudding]

Oh, take off your coat, just sling it over the banisters.

Madame Arcati, I want you to meet my first wife, Elvira.

[gasps] Oh, my dear, how do you do?

No, she's not there, she's in the doorway.

Are you happy, my dear?

Tell the silly, old bag to mind her own business.

Was the journey difficult? Are you weary?

Oh, she's dotty.

This is wonderful, wonderful, I almost have contact,

I can sense the vibrations.

But Madame Arcati, she's gone in there.

[bird squawking]

How fascinating.

Very interesting, I smell ectoplasm strongly.

What a disgusting thing to say.

Go on, Elvira, don't be a spoilsport,

give her a bit of encouragement.

Oh, all right, not that I approve

of these masculine and deviant carryings-on.

[Elvira blowing] [Elvira gasping]

Yes, yes, again, again.

Oh! [Elvira blowing]

How's that?

This is first-rate, it really is first-rate,

absolutely stunning.

I'm so glad you're pleased.

You darling, you little darling.

Oh, stop her fawning on me, Charles

or I'll break something.

- Madame Arcati. - Mm-hm.

Elvira and I have discussed the whole situation

and she wishes to go home immediately.

Home?

Well, wherever she came from.

You don't think she'd like to stay a few days longer,

while I try to get things a little more organized?

No, no, no, I want to go now.

You said something about a formula, what is it?

Oh, very well, if you insist.

I most emphatically do insist.

Oh, Charles.

Shut up.

All right, I can't guarantee anything, you know,

I'll do my best, but it may not work.

What is the formula?

Nothing more than a little verse really,

it fell into disuse after the 17th century.

Oh, I shall need some pepper and salt.

Ah, here.

We ought of course to have some shepherd's wort

and a frog or two, but I dare say I can manage without.

- Is this enough? - Yes, thanks.

Now, let me see. [clears throat]

Ah, yes, sprinkle it, will you, just a soupcon,

there right in the middle.

This is going to be a flop,

I can tell you that here and now.

Oh, steady, steady, steady.

Now a few snapdragons out of that vase, there's a good chap.

[Charles snapping fingers]

Oh!

If that Mr. Emsworth of the Psychical Research Society

could see this, he'd have a fit, he would really.

Now then, sit down, Mr. Condomine

and rest your hands on the table,

but don't put your fingers in the pepper.

I shall switch out the lights myself.

Oh, shucks, I'd almost forgotten.

One triangle,

one half circle

and one little dot there.

Merlin does this sort of thing at parties

and bores us all stiff with it.

It's a waste of time, she's a complete fake.

Anything's worth trying.

I am as anxious for it to succeed as you are,

don't make any mistake about that,

but I'll lay you 10 to one, it's a dead failure.

Now, Mr. Condomine, if your wife would be kind enough

to lie down on the sofa.

Go on, Elvira.

This is sheer nonsense,

don't blame me if I get the giggles.

Concentrate, think of nothing.

That's right, you're quite right.

Now you won't be frightened, dear, will you?

It's absolutely painless.

Arms at the sides, legs extended.

Breathe steadily,

in, out,

in, out.

Is she comfortable?

Are you comfortable, Elvira?

No.

Yeah, she's quite comfortable.

I shall join you in a minute, Mr. Condomine,

I may have to go into a slight trance,

but if I do, pay no attention.

[light switch clicking] [door thudding]

[Charles sneezing]

[Elvira laughing] Oh, hold on, Mr. Condomine,

concentrate! [inhaling deeply]

Oh, dear, it's the pepper.

Ghostly specter, ghoul or fiend,

never more be thou convened.

Shepherd's wort and holy rite,

vanish thee into the night!

What a disagreeable little verse.

Be quiet, Elvira.

Is there anyone there, is there anyone there?

One rap for yes, two raps for no, is there anyone there?

[wind howling] [table tapping once]

Good stuff.

Is that you, Daphne?

[table tapping once]

I'm sorry to bother you, dear,

but Mrs. Condomine wants to return.

[table tapping repeatedly] Now then, Daphne.

Did you hear what I said?

[table tapping once]

Can you help us?

[table tapping] Hold on to it, Mr. Condomine,

it's trying to break away.

Oh, oh! [table thudding]

[Madame Arcati thudding to floor]

What on earth's happening?

[Madame Arcati whimpering]

What's the matter, Madame Arcati?

Oh, she's in one of her blasted trances again

and I'm as much here as ever I was.

Are you hurt? Wake up. [Madame Arcati whimpering]

Oh, leave her alone, she's having a whale of a time.

If I ever do get back,

I'll strangle that ruddy, little Daphne.

[Madame Arcati coughing]

[wind howling]

Oh, what happened?

Nothing, nothing at all.

Yes, it did, something happened.

Yes, you fell over, that's all that happened.

- Oh, what, is she still here? - Yes, of course.

Oh, well, something must have gone wrong.

Oh, make her do it again properly, Charles,

I'm sick of being messed about like this.

Be quiet, she's doing her best.

Something happened, I sensed it in my trance,

I felt it, it shivered through me.

[wind howling] [doors thudding]

Once and for all, Charles, what the devil does this mean?

[rain pattering]

Well, I can't think how I can have been such a duffer.

I only hope you're on the right track now.

Oh, not a doubt of it, Mr. Condomine,

I think I may confidently promise you that next time,

we shall be able to kill two birds with one stone.

I can't feel your simile is entirely fortunate.

[wind howling] [rain pattering]

[soft orchestral music]

[quirky orchestral music]

[soft orchestral music]

[door thudding]

Mind my crystal, Mr. Condomine.

[light switch clicking]

[Charles exhaling heavily]

Ah, well, now that we've returned

to the scene of the crime,

as it were, everything will be plain sailing.

[dramatic orchestral music]

[small explosion thudding]

[gas hissing]

[dramatic orchestral music]

Are they gone?

No.

Oh.

[dramatic orchestral music]

Are they gone now?

No.

[dramatic orchestral music] [leaves rustling]

Are they gone now?

[dramatic orchestral music]

Hickory rod and birch in bud,

toad in the hole and toad in the mud.

Broomstick, Brocken and Halloween,

make these furious spirits seem

nothing more than a ghastly dream!

[dramatic orchestral music]

Are they still here?

Yes.

[clock chiming]

End of round six.

Oh, well, cheer up, Mr. Condomine,

Rome wasn't built in a day, you know.

This is definitely one of the most frustrating nights

I've ever spent.

Hm, the reply to that is pretty obvious.

I'm sure I don't know what you mean.

Ah, skip it.

[Madame Arcati blowing]

[Charles blowing] Thank you, Mr. Condomine.

Look, if you'll excuse me,

I'll just have another of those delicious sandwiches,

I'm as hungry as a hunter.

Would you like a glass of beer?

No, thank you, better not.

Now look here, Charles, this has gone far enough.

We've stood up, we've lain down, we've concentrated,

we've sat interminably while that tiresome, old woman

recited extremely unflattering verses at us.

We've endured five seances, we've watched her fling herself

in and out of trances until we're dizzy

and at the end of it, we find ourselves

exactly where we were at the beginning and I'm exhausted.

Well, I'm just as exhausted as you are,

I've been doing all the blasted table-tapping.

It looks as if Elvira and I will have to stay together

indefinitely in this house.

You're not going to stay indefinitely in this house.

[Ruth] With you then, we shall have to be with you.

Well, I don't see why.

Why don't you take a cottage somewhere?

You called us back.

I've already explained till I'm black in the face,

that I did nothing of the sort.

Madame Arcati says you did.

Madame Arcati is a muddling, old fool.

Well, if she can't get us back, she can't and that's that.

We must try to think of something else.

She must get you back, anything else is unthinkable.

There's gratitude for you.

You've called us back and you've done nothing,

but try to get rid of us ever since we came,

- hasn't he, Elvira? - He certainly has.

Now, owing to your idiotic inefficiency,

we find ourselves in this mortifying position.

We're neither fish, flesh, fowl nor whatever it is.

[Elvira and Charles] A good, red herring.

Are the girls getting despondent?

[Charles] Yes, I'm afraid they are, rather.

Oh, we mustn't give up hope.

Chin up, never give in, that's my motto.

This schoolgirl phraseology is driving me mad.

[clock chiming]

Now then.

Now then, what?

What do you say if we have another seance,

really put our shoulders to the wheel,

make it a real rouser?

If we're not very careful,

she'll materialize a hockey team.

Charles, I implore you not to let her have another seance.

Now listen, Madame Arcati,

before you go into any further trances,

I think we should discuss the situation a little.

Good, an excellent idea.

Well, fire away, Mr. Condomine.

Well, my wives and I have been talking it over

and they're both still absolutely convinced,

that I somehow or other called them back.

Very natural.

[Charles] I'm equally convinced that I did not.

Well, neither of them could have appeared

unless there'd been something, some psychic subject

in the house had wished for them.

Yes, well, it wasn't me. Perhaps it was Dr. Bradman.

I never knew he cared. [laughing]

Great Scott!

I believe I've been barking up the wrong tree.

How do you mean?

- The Sudbury case. - I don't understand.

There's no reason why you should, it was before your day.

I wonder, oh, I wonder.

What was the Sudbury case? I wish you'd explain.

It was the case that made me famous, Mr. Condomine,

it was what you might describe in theatrical parlance

as my first smash hit,

I had letters from all over the world about it,

- especially India. - What did you do?

I dematerialized old Lady Sudbury

after she'd been firmly entrenched in the private chapel

for over 17 years.

How, can you tell me how? By chance, a fluke,

I'd done it by the merest coincidence.

Yes, what fluke, what did you do?

In good time, wait.

Now, who was present during our first seance?

Only the Bradmans and Ruth and me and yourself.

But the Bradmans aren't here tonight, are they?

- No. - Quickly, my crystal.

- Here. - Thank you.

Drat the thing, it gives me the pip, it's cloudy again.

Oh, that's better, it's there again, it's there again.

I'm beginning to understand.

I wish I was, what's there again?

The bandage, the white bandage.

Hold on to a white bandage.

I haven't got a white bandage.

Ssh!

She's too good, you know, she ought to be in a circus.

Be you in nook or cranny, answer me.

Be you in still room or closet, answer me.

Be you behind the panel,

above the stairs, beneath the eaves,

waking or sleeping, answer me!

Well, that ought to do it or I'm a Dutchman.

- Do what? - Ssh, ssh, ssh, wait.

[soft tense music]

It's near.

It's near, it's very near.

If it's a ghost, I shall scream.

[soft tense music]

[light switch clicking]

Did you ring, sir?

The bandage, the white bandage.

Hello, Edith.

I'm sorry, sir, I could have sworn I heard the bell

or somebody calling, I was asleep,

I don't rightly know which it was.

Come here, child.

Oh.

Well, go on, go to Madame Arcati, it's quite all right.

Who do you see in this room, child?

Oh, dear.

Answer, please.

You, madame.

Go on.

The master.

Anyone else?

- Oh, no, madame. - [Arcadi] Look again.

I don't understand, sir.

Oh, come, child, don't beat about the bush, look again.

Do you see anyone else now?

Oh, no, madame.

- She's lying. - Madame?

- They always do. - They?

Where are they now?

By the piano. [gasping]

She can see them.

Do you mean to say she can see them?

Probably not very clearly, but enough.

Let me go, I haven't done nothing nor seen anybody.

- Let me go back to bed. - Get her a sandwich.

I don't want a sandwich, I want to go back to bed.

- Oh, nonsense. - There you are, dear.

A big, healthy girl like you

saying no to a delicious sandwich?

I never heard of such a thing.

Sit down, dear.

- Please, sir, I-- - Go on, Edith,

do as Madame Arcati says.

If she's been the cause of all this unpleasantness,

I shall give her a week's notice tomorrow.

You may not be here tomorrow.

Now, look at me, Edith.

Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo.

Oh, dear, what's the matter with her?

Is she barmy?

Here, Edith, this is my finger, look.

Have you ever seen such a long, long, long finger before?

Now it's on the left, now it's on the right.

Backwards and forwards it goes very quietly, you see.

Backwards and forwards.

Tick tock,

tick tock.

The mouse ran up the clock.

Be quiet, you'll spoil everything.

Tick tock,

tick tock,

tick tock,

tick tock,

tick tock,

tick tock,

tick tock,

tick tock,

tick tock,

tick tock.

[gentle orchestral music]

♪ Rumpty-dumpty tiddly-um, hi-tighty-oh-toe ♪

[fingers snapping]

So far so good, she's off, all right.

- Off? - She's a natural one,

just the same as the Sudbury case,

really, it's the most amusing coincidence.

Now then, if you'd ask your wives

to stand close together, please?

- Yes, yes, where? - Over there by the window.

Right.

Ruth, Elvira. [fingers snapping]

I resent being ordered about like this.

I'm afraid I must insist.

I don't like this. [soft eerie music]

I don't like any of it.

I feel peculiar.

It would serve you right

if we flatly refused to do anything at all.

[gentle orchestral music] Are you sorry

for having been so mischievous, Edith?

Oh, yes, madame.

You know what to do now, don't you, Edith?

Oh, yes, madame.

[ethereal orchestral music]

[soft orchestral music]

I believe it's going to work, whatever it is.

- Oh, Charles. - Ssh!

This is goodbye, Charles.

Make her stop for a minute, Charles,

there's something I want to say before I go.

You should've thought of that before, too late now.

Well, of all the mean, ungrateful--

Charles, listen a moment.

[Arcate] Lights! [light switch clicking]

[Edith] ♪ I'll be loving you always ♪

♪ With a love that's true always ♪

♪ When the things you've planned ♪

♪ Need a helping hand ♪

I saw Captain Bracegirdle again, Charles, several times.

I went to the 400 with him twice,

while you were in Nottingham

and I must say that I couldn't have enjoyed myself more.

Don't think you're getting rid of us so easily, my dear,

you may not be able to see us,

but we shall be here, all right.

I'd say you've behaved atrociously over the whole--

♪ When the things you've planned ♪

♪ Need a helping hand ♪

They've gone.

They've really gone.

Splendid, hurrah, we've done it!

♪ Always ♪

That's quite enough singing for the moment, Edith.

Hadn't you better wake her up,

she might bring them back again.

[hands clapping] Wake up, child.

Where am I?

It's all right, Edith, you can go to bed now.

But I was in bed, how did I get down here?

I rang, Edith, I rang the bell and you answered it.

Did I drop off? Do you think it's my concussion?

Now, off you go, Edith, thank you very much.

Thank you very much indeed.

Oh, sir, whatever for?

Oh, sir!

[door thudding]

Well, what on earth did she mean by that?

[laughs softly] Oh, golly, what a night!

I'm ready to drop in my tracks.

I'm deeply grateful to you, Madame Arcati,

I don't know what arrangements you generally make,

but I trust that you'll send in your account in due course.

Good heavens, Mr. Condomine, it was a pleasure.

I shouldn't dream of such a thing.

[soft eerie music]

Would you like to stay? There's a spare room, you know.

No, thanks, each to his own nest.

I'll pedal home in a jiffy, it's only seven miles.

Oh, I'll collect my tackle later on.

You should give me the pleasure

of lunching with you one day.

When you come back, I shall be delighted.

Come back?

Take my advice, Mr. Condomine and go away immediately.

But what, you don't mean?

This must be an unhappy house for you, Mr. Condomine,

there must be memories, both grave and gay,

in every corner of it, also...

Also what?

"There are more things in heaven and earth,"

Mr. Condomine, just go, pack up your traps

and go as soon as possible.

You don't mean they might still be here?

Quien sabe, as the Spanish say.

[soft eerie music]

Hm, I think I will take your advice, Madame Arcati,

thank you very much.

Well, goodbye, Mr. Condomine, it's been fascinating,

from first to last, fascinating.

Oh, don't bother to see me out, I can find my way.

Cheerio once more and good hunting!

[soft orchestral music]

[door thudding]

[doors thudding]

[soft orchestral music]

Ruth?

Elvira?

Are you there?

Yes, I know darn well you are there.

I just want to tell you there's no use

your hanging around any longer, because I'm going away.

[soft orchestral music]

I'm going a long way away.

[soft orchestral music]

Somewhere where I don't believe you'll be able to follow me.

I don't believe ghosts can travel over water.

Is that quite clear, my darlings?

[doors clicking]

[soft orchestral music]

You said in one of your more acid moments, Ruth,

that I'd been hag-ridden all my life, how right you were.

But now I'm free, Ruth, dear, not only of Elvira

and Mother and Mrs. Winthrop-Llewellyn,

but free of you too

and I should like to take this farewell opportunity

of saying that I'm enjoying it immensely.

[soft orchestral music]

Oh, thank you.

You were very silly, Elvira, to think I didn't know

all about you and Captain Bracegirdle, I did.

What you didn't realize was that I was extremely attached

to Paula Westlake at the time.

[soft orchestral music]

[car door clicking]

[car engine starting] [car door thudding]

Goodbye for the moment, my dears.

I expect we're bound to meet again one day,

but until we do, I'm going to enjoy myself

as I've never enjoyed myself before.

[car rumbling]

[melodic orchestral music]

[tires screeching]

[dramatic orchestral music]

[tires screeching]

[car crashing loudly]

[Charles whistling]

[dramatic orchestral music]