Original subtitles

[suspenseful music]

[Dawn] Mommy?

What's on your face, Dawn?

Makeup.

I wanna look nice for the first day.

[Grace] Dad?

[Josh] Yeah.

I made sandwiches for the bus.

Do you think I put too much ketchup?

What?

No.

There's no such thing as too much ketchup,

you know that.

[smoke detector beeping]

Smoke alarm!

Yay, waffles are ready!

[lively music]

We could keep 'em with us for the week.

I mean, we, we lose the money, but...

[smoke alarm beeping]

We can't have this conversation again

'cause the bus is coming in an hour.

Just a week.

Camp is good, remember?

Camp is, camp is good.

Camp is good.

Camp is good.

[lively music continues]

And you got some t-shirts?

Yeah, in here.

Okay, okay.

Good, good, good.

Yes.

Yes.

You got everything.

I have everything.

I already checked.

Okay, I know.

You're doing great.

Undies?

Undies?

I'm wearing 'em.

- [Emma] Grace? - What?

Serious, what?

What, only taking one pair?

Duh.

I only have one butt.

Honey, you're eight.

[Grace] Yeah, but 14% of girls get their periods

by the age of 10.

Zip.

What is in here?

Well, not that much.

[lively music continues]

And the youngest recorded case

of a girl giving birth was a five-year-old.

Wait, I'm not done talking.

- [Emma] Okay. - In Peru in 1938.

Let's just take the whole box then.

[box rustling]

And, girls, it is totally normal to feel homesick at camp.

Okay?

So when you're away from your family, it can be hard.

So look,

if you get that feeling in your chest

and it kind of overwhelms you,

it's fine.

Just take a moment and you think of a happy memory,

something that we all did together as a family.

And when that happens, you'll feel better.

Are, are you crying?

No, I'm not. [chuckles]

Of course I am not crying.

I'm a grownup, I'm not...

It's okay to cry, though.

Just so you know, crying is totally fine.

[Grace] Good, uh, pep talk.

Thanks.

[lively music continues]

Don't worry.

You're not there for long, right?

Hey, it's only seven days.

What's seven days, right?

Seven days is nothing.

We have seven gnomes.

Seven gnomes for seven days.

We'll count down the days per gnome.

Don't worry, it's gonna go by quick.

Okay?

Take care of Daddy.

[Dawn] This is the camp where you met Mommy.

I love you so much. [Josh] Yeah, a long time ago.

Maybe we'll meet our husband there too.

You'll meet your husbands there, okay?

You're gonna meet your husbands.

You won't have the same husband, that's, that's illegal.

Muah, okay. I love you so much.

- I love you. - Bye.

Goodbye, you guys.

- I love you so much. - I love you.

I'm gonna think about you every second of the day.

I'll you see you in a very short week.

Fly right by.

Oh God.

[Emma sighs]

Okay.

[both sigh]

It's uh...

Camp is good. Camp is good.

Camp is good. Camp is good.

You know, it's not too late for me to throw my body

in front of the moving bus

and stop this craziness right now.

[Emma speaks faintly]

[Emma] It's good for them. [bus engine revs]

We done good.

[lively music continues]

[Emma sighs]

[Josh exhales sharply]

So what do we do now?

I literally have no idea.

I mean, we could drive to the gymnastics studio

and just sit in the parents' waiting area.

Yeah. I don't know.

As comforting as that sounds-

Ooh, we could go for brunch.

We used to like brunch.

Yeah, bru, the bru...

Definitely.

Ooh, we could go see a matinee.

Yeah. Yeah.

When was the last time we went to see a matinee?

Do they still have matinees?

- Is that still even a thing? - I don't...

Probably not.

[Emma sighs]

We could make some sex.

Oh yeah.

- Let's totally make some sex. - We're gonna make some sex.

[box rustles]

Ha-ha! Found 'em.

[Emma] Wait! Hold on!

Whoa.

[Emma] We don't have to close the door.

We can be as loud as we want.

[Josh] Yeah.

[Emma chuckles]

[Emma] I am going to be so loud.

[techno music]

[bell dings]

- Ow, sorry. - Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

- No. - You used to like when I,

when I had the extra finger in-

No, no.

No, I do, I do. [mumbling]

- Okay. - Totally, totally.

[techno music continues]

You good?

Yeah.

[Emma breathing heavily]

[bell dings]

[techno music continues]

[Emma] Oh, sorry.

- Too much teeth? - No, no, no, no, no.

[bell dings]

I just...

My foot was, was asleep.

I'm good.

[techno music continues]

[Emma] Do you wanna just?

[techno music continues]

[Emma and Josh moaning]

Oh my God.

Oh my God, I think...

I think I'm coming.

[bell dings]

[Josh] Oh, me too.

I'm coming right inside you.

[bell dings]

Ah.

[birds chirping]

[text booms]

[background chatter]

[Wendy gasps]

[Wendy] Testicles.

[Emma] Yep, they're balls.

It's the least attractive part of the male anatomy.

Yeah, and that's saying a lot.

I think this is the longest

I've ever stared at a pair of these.

You know, I'm very uncomfortable.

[Marlon] Emma?

Emma Michaels?

Oh God. Marlon.

- Oh my God. - Oh my God.

I can't believe it's Emma Michaels.

Oh my...

I had, like, the biggest crush on you in art school.

Wow.

Well, you still have that thing where you just say things.

What?

Without a filter.

No, I don't.

- I didn't do that, did I? - Yeah, you just did.

You just did it when you said you had a crush on me.

On no, it was a major crush.

I kept a journal about it.

You just did it again.

Well, no, I had photos in a special binder.

How the hell are you?

I'm, I'm good.

I'm fine.

- I'm great. - Yeah?

Married? Kids?

All of the above.

Yeah, I married Josh, actually.

Oh my God.

You married your boyfriend from camp.

Wow, that's so adorable.

Uh, I mean, we, we broke up on and off, you know,

and played the field before we settled down.

And now, you know, we have two beautiful little girls.

Let me show you their Halloween-

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

That's okay. No.

People without kids are always pretending they care

to see photos of other people's kids,

but really we're just being polite.

[Emma laughs]

Ah, no, no filter.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

So, is this your gallery?

Oh yeah. It's all mine.

Um, yeah,

I finally realized that I was far better suited

to appreciate the work of others

than to produce anything of value myself, um,

like these bad boys right here.

What do you think of these testicles?

[Wendy hissing]

Like.

Really?

No.

Emma, what do you think?

Honestly?

Yeah.

I mean, [scoffs]

no one really wants to look at balls.

[Emma clicks teeth]

[Wendy groans]

Oh my God.

You're right.

Balls are totally gross.

Jacques.

Yeah, can you, can you take this one down?

-No. -And, uh,

- and, and those two. - You don't-

And, uh...

Yeah, and, and that one over there.

You're kidding.

No, my apologies

I...

Oh my God, you're crazy.

Oh my God.

[Emma laughing]

Oh my God.

Sorry.

Wendy.

My name is Wendy.

Oh my gosh.

I'm so sorry.

Um, Wendy, this is Marlon.

We went to art school together.

Yeah, I got that.

Wendy and I are teaching

this winter break art camp

for at-risk youth just at the rec center down the street.

The kids are amazing.

Uh, this one girl, Aisha,

has more talent at 15 than I, like, ever had.

She, like, blows my mind every day.

Wow. Well, I would love to come and see her work.

Yeah, you should.

You could come by anytime.

And that would give me an excuse to come see you.

I can't believe you're married.

I mean, I used to fantasize

about having a bubble bath with you.

Oh, that's very specific.

Well, not naked, though.

I mean you were, you were wearing a green bikini.

Always green for some reason.

You're doing it again.

Oh, right.

-Sorry. -Oh no.

Yes?

[door slams]

[pensive music]

[gnome clinks]

Yeah.

I don't know, it seems a little, um,

unnecessarily sexualized.

No?

How so?

Um, well,

you can pretty much see her nipple there.

And she's fellating a banana.

And your problem with this is?

Well it's, it's an ad for, for fruit.

Yeah, this is what the client wants.

Okay.

Have we tried to, like,

gently steer the client in another direction?

Yeah, we're gonna stick with a general approach

of giving the client what they want.

Okay?

Yeah, you're the packaging editor, Josh.

Just focus on editing the package.

Okay.

[indistinct chatter]

- [Kelly] Hey. - Hi.

[Kelly] Good meeting?

[Josh sighs]

[Josh] Everybody here hates me.

Not me.

I find you amusing.

Kelly, what do you think of that ad right there?

Uh, that reminds me of Gary's penis.

What, Gary, that's the married guy?

- [Kelly] Mm-hmm. - And, and,

and his penis looks like a banana?

Yeah, like that one.

The one on the right.

So,

how often would you say you and are having an orgasm:

A, once a day; B, twice a day;

C, three times a day;

or D, you are constantly in an orgasmic fog?

Uh, oral counts and anal counts.

Well, anal definitely counts.

So don't spare any details, I'm not squeamish.

Wait, tho, tho, those are the options?

I mean, the, the minimum in there is, is, is once a day?

Yeah.

Why?

Nothing.

It's just, you know,

when you're married for 10 years-

Uh, "When you're ma..."

No, see, this is exactly what I've been trying to tell you.

This monogamy is just created by a patriarchal society

that totally suppresses any sexual promiscuity.

It is bullshit.

So what?

Like once, uh, a week?

Yeah. I mean, that sounds about right.

- Yeah. - Are you kidding?

-What? -Dude?

I was kidding.

You ha, you have sex once a week?

Why are you suddenly so interested in my sex life?

Oh, don't be such a narcissist.

I'm interested in everybody's sex life,

especially married people.

-Okay. -Wait.

So this is, this is research for your,

for your affair with Gary, is it?

[phone ringing]

Forget it.

I'm gonna figure it out myself.

Oh my God.

What do these people want from me?

Hello.

Kelly speaking.

Oh no-[speaking faintly]

[whimsical music]

[Josh scoffs]

[papers rustle]

[whimsical music continues]

[note beeps]

[note beeps]

[note beeps]

[note beeps]

[note beeps]

[whimsical music continues]

So you've gone back to layering color over text?

But this time some of the text is illegible.

That's interesting choices, Aisha.

Thanks.

So of all your work,

is there one that you'd like to try and finish?

Uh, no, thanks.

No.

Then they'd just be

closed.

They'd be, like,

dead.

[Student] Mm-hmm.

[alarm ringing]

Okay. That's it for today.

I'll see you tomorrow.

[Wendy] Everyone, grab your folders on the way out.

Aisha, this is great work.

This is really special.

No one else seems to think so.

Do you care what they think?

Trust me, they're jealous.

[indistinct chatter]

Marlon?

What are you doing here?

You invited me to see your students' work.

And I came,

even though the term at-risk youth

makes me very uncomfortable.

Okay. Well, um, you're safe 'cause they're all gone.

[Wendy clears throat]

I'm just gonna get my stuff from the staff room.

[Wendy clears throat]

Whoa.

What have we here?

Oh, that's Aisha.

That's the student I was telling you about.

Well, you weren't kidding.

These are, these are terrific.

I love the half finished aesthetic.

I know, right?

She's amazing.

You're amazing.

[Emma chuckles]

That was weird.

Yeah.

No, this, this whole thing's weird.

I, it's weird that I came down here.

I, I should really get back to the gallery.

You, you should come see me there sometime.

It wouldn't be as-

-Weird. -Yeah.

Um, yeah.

I, I'll come sometime

just stop by.

-Okay. -Okay.

[Emma chuckling]

What?

Great.

Okay, I should leave 'cause I have an erection.

Oh, okay.

But don't worry, it might not be from the hug.

It, it, it could be from seeing your student's great work

It's probably a little of both,

but mostly from the hug.

Bye.

[door slams]

[techno music]

- [object clattering] - [Emma moaning]

I have judo in 20 minutes.

What?

What are you thinking about?

Not on the list.

Well, it's not.

Every time you call me a little bitch it loses impact.

I don't even hear it anymore.

It literally has no effect on me.

Oh yeah?

How about fucktard? Is that better?

Or, or what about OCD, control freak, asshole, shit tits?

Oh my God.

You do know I can smell your breath from here, right?

What did you eat today?

Was it somebody ass?

Did you eat someone's ass for lunch?

Goddamn!

[Janice] Hey, Josh.

- Oh my gosh. - What?

- It's Andrew and Janice. - Hey, guys.

You wanna finish your thought for Josh and Emma?

You were saying something about my, uh, shit tits.

[Emma] Um, we're good.

Yeah, no, I think we're,

I think we're okay.

Uh, so, guys, how, how's it, how's it going?

We're separating.

Janice is moving out tomorrow.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, so, wh, why-

Why are we separating?

Oh, where to begin?

Well, you could start with the lies.

Mm.

I was gonna lead with the fact

that you haven't touched me in two years.

Yeah, and why, why would I touch you?

All you do is tell lies.

I was,

I was just gonna ask why you guys are shopping together

if you, if you're moving out tomorrow.

[Emma chuckles]

That's a great fucking question.

- [bag thuds] - [kernels rattling]

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm o, I'm okay.

The kids are devastated.

And, um,

we're probably gonna have to sell the house,

and I'm gonna die alone.

[worker] Clean up in Aisle 6.

[Emma] They just, they seemed like the best couple.

I, I know.

I know.

It's like,

I guess things just turn on a dime so quickly.

One day they've got that honeymoon glow and the next day-

Why did you lie about ejaculating the other day?

I don't know.

Do we lie to each other?

No, we don't lie to each other.

We're us, all right?

I mean, I, I, I...

I mean, I, I, I, I don't.

Why, do you, do, do you lie?

[Emma scoffs]

Uh, I mean,

I sort of faked my orgasm too.

What?

You, you, you, what?

Oh, come on,

it's totally normal for a woman to fake it.

For a guy, that's fucked up.

That's not...

No, that's, that's like reverse sexism or something.

That is a double standard.

-And I'm not just gonna stand... Oh, now I think

you're avoiding the question.

Wow.

[both sighs]

Look, we love each other, right?

We're great parents together.

We make a great team.

It's just married life, you know?

I mean, the sex becomes less important, I guess.

Yeah, but don't you think it's weird

we don't talk about it?

Ugh.

I don't, I don't, I don't know.

I don't know.

It's a can of worms.

I mean, it's like that mango chicken stir fry you make.

How exactly?

Ugh.

Well, you know, I don't love it, um,

but I eat it and I don't make a fuss

'cause that's just part of the deal.

[toy clatters]

Maybe if I added cashews?

Let's not overreact, okay?

We're not Andrew and Janice.

We, we can figure this out.

We've had many years of sex, great sex.

We know how to bang, right?

Yeah, that's never been a problem for us, right?

I mean, you know, it's not like we haven't sown our oats.

You know, I had sex with a reasonable amount of women.

Oh yeah. I know, I know.

You don't have to go through the list.

I've had my fun too.

I had, I had my slutty year.

Yeah, can you...

We talked about you not calling it that.

Can we not?

Okay, everything I've ever read,

the main complaint about sex

is that one person thinks of it more than the other.

Okay. Well, then that's not our problem, right?

Because we, we have a shared disinterest in sex,

like a, like a mutual apathy.

Yeah.

Just...

But then... [groans]

[Josh] What?

What? What?

I don't know.

I...

It's just... [sighs]

This is probably nothing.

It's just these past few days

I've been thinking a lot about sex.

Hey, that's cool.

I get it.

I mean, well, I've been working out more.

I've been, uh, I've been watching what I eat, you know?

It's sort of...

It's really it's about portion control, mostly

I'm...

Oh shit, you...

You've been, you,

you've been thinking about having sex

with people who aren't me.

[Emma sighs]

It's just we have this one week,

this one week to...

We could fuck in every room in the house

without the kids barging in,

but we're just... [whimpers]

We're not.

Okay. All right.

Look,

[whimsical music]

we got time, right?

Let's not...

We got, like, five more days, right?

Yes.

I wanna fix this.

Let's fix this.

Okay. All right.

So, like, what are we thinking?

Like maybe like, like an orgy with like, uh-

Butter.

Like a vat of butter.

Oh, now I want butter.

Hmm.

Or I could get like a,

that enlargement surgery for my penis,

- for my little tiny penis. - Can you please stop?

Don't, please.

Hey, hey.

[whimsical music continues]

Whatever it takes.

I mean, this isn't rocket science.

We, our sex has become mechanical.

It's just, it's just unsurprising.

Okay.

So let's surprise each other.

[mellow music]

[gnome clinks]

[Wendy] I'm just not the right person to be giving sex advice.

I'm a serial monogamous.

Well, wasn't Tom into some weird stuff?

Didn't you tell me he was into like-

Furries, furries.

The giant animal costumes that are used as mascots.

So, okay.

So you would dress up in the mascot costume

- and have sex? - No, God, no.

No, no.

He was curious and he, you know,

found some websites.

I think that's as far as it went.

I just wanna do something, like, surprising,

something he would never expect,

something,

I don't know, like,

adventurous,

a little freaky but sexy, fun,

like, I don't know,

like, like a sex swing.

That's a thing, right?

A sex swing?

I, I mean, I've never done anything like that, that's...

Or I don't know, like, um-

Like a, like a threesome.

A threesome?

Maybe or not.

No, no, nevermind.

- Forget about that. - No, no, no, no, no.

It's a good idea.

I've just, um...

I don't know if we could actually go through with that.

Uh, 'cause who would...

Like, Marlon?

No, obviously not Marlon.

That would be a terrible idea, Em.

Yeah.

A girl would make more sense, probably.

Marlon?

You sure jumped to Marlon pretty quickly.

Are you thinking-

What?

Wait.

Okay. We trust each other, so we have that.

We're friends.

Whoa.

I wasn't...

Oh, oh gosh.

Shit. [laughs]

Oh shit. No.

- I am, I am so sorry. - I am so...

No, no. Don't silly, no.

I just, I just-

I mean, no.

I just mean theoretically, hypothetically speaking,

you would be the perfect candidate if that...

-Well, just, I mean- -Yeah, why?

Because with another girl it would, it could be weird.

It, at least I know with you,

Josh is totally not your type.

No, I suppose that's, that's a good point.

And, uh, like,

it's been a little while since you've been with Tom, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I have been a little lonely, I guess.

And you've been with guys, you've...

-Girls. -Yeah.

Just not at the same time.

-Oh. -[Wendy] Yeah.

Forget it. I was joking.

But it could be fine.

[whimsical music]

- I mean, it's crazy. - I mean, uh,

- it's totally crazy. - [Wendy] Yeah.

[Emma] Totally crazy.

But

not completely, like, stupid or gross or..

- You know? - Are we doing this?

- Are we? - I don't know.

- [Emma] Okay. - Are we?

I don't know.

I mean...

Okay, how about this?

[both giggling]

Okay.

Uh, come over for dinner.

Yes.

- Tonight. - [Wendy] Okay.

Just dinner, like, no expectations,

and we'll see what-

Happens.

Hey?

Yeah.

[Emma] Yeah.

Nope, no way.

- I can't do it. - Oh my God.

Can you relax?

She might not even be into it.

We left it open.

Wait, you what?

No, that, that's, that's worse.

What, I gotta try and like read her signs or s...

I, I'm not gonna have a clue what's going on.

Oh my God.

I think I might have diarrhea.

Do you feel like you have diarrhea?

No!

I thought this was like every man's fantasy.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

In, in theory.

Oh my gosh.

I, I should be getting a medal for this.

This is like me being the best wife on the planet.

Sorry. It's just, it's, it's too much pressure.

Okay.

Well, you don't have to worry about it

because it's just dinner.

She's probably come to her senses.

[doorbell rings]

[Josh gasps]

[Josh] Oh.

[gentle music]

Do you have to go to the bathroo

[Josh] I'm Good.

[Emma] Are you gonna stand like that?

I'm good.

[door squeaks]

[Wendy] Hi.

[Emma] Oh, thank you.

Can I take your coat?

[Wendy] Oh, um, can I leave that on for now?

[Emma] Oh yeah, it's kind of cold.

Oh my gosh. Your hair looks so good.

[Wendy] I worked hard on it.

- Hi. Oh. - Look at this.

Thank you so much.

- I love wine. - So nice.

So, Wendy, what's up?

What's up?

Just, just, just nervous. [chuckles]

- Yeah. - Just really nervous.

I feel like I might have-

Diarrhea, right?

[Wendy chuckles]

Put on too much makeup is what I was gonna say.

-No. -No.

- [Wendy] No? - No.

- [Wendy] Okay. - Your eyes look amazing.

- [Wendy] Oh. - Your skin.

You look so pretty.

Thanks.

Um, so-

Um, Emma,

I should say something in the spirit of full disclosure.

Um...

When we first met, I... [chuckles]

Oh my goodness.

I'm so scared of what this might be.

Oh, it's nothing, it's nothing, it's nothing.

Okay.

I just...

When we first met, I kind of had a,

a crush on you,

- a little. - Oh my gosh.

I mean, come on,

who wouldn't?

You're so confident

and funny

and sexy.

Wow.

Oh my goodness.

Thank you.

I mean, you're sexy too.

Huh.

I, I know we said we weren't gonna have any expectations

about tonight.

- Yeah, we did. - Yeah, so...

But I really, really wanna fuck you.

Get her coat.

Okay, I'm gonna take your coat.

Thanks.

[dance music]

Let's get this off.

There you go.

[dance music continues]

[panting]

Oh my God.

[dance music continues]

[Emma moaning]

You smell so good.

It's my moisturizer. [breathing heavily]

It's from Costco.

[Wendy moaning]

Emma, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

[dance music continues]

Josh is cute too, right?

-Emma? -Hmm?

Do I have consent to go down on you?

Oh, yes.

Yes?

Mm-hmm.

[dance music continues]

[Emma] Oh, gosh.

[Wendy moaning]

[dance music continues]

[Wendy] No!

Okay.

So...

So I'm, I'm just gonna hang back a little bit here

and, uh, you,

you just let me know when would a good time would be.

[dance music continues]

[Emma moaning]

Oh my God, I'm coming, I'm coming, coming, coming.

No, no, no.

[birds chirping]

I like the way you

I don't know what happened.

She, she just got really intense.

Yeah, super intense.

Ah, I knew this was a bad idea.

You knew it was a bad idea?

What, is it my fault?

It's not my fault.

No, no, no, no.

Of course not. No.

Well, I mean, it seemed like it,

it was promising at the beginning.

It seemed like, you know,

something was happening.

It seemed like you were into it.

Well, y...

No, I mean, yeah, I wa, I was.

I, I mean, 'cause, you know, it was exciting.

It was new, right?

It was, it was, she was very attractive and it was-

Yeah, she came to the house in lingerie.

- Of course she's attractive. - I know. I know.

Okay.

So...

[door closes]

So, so what do we do now?

Try something else.

Just you do this surprising this time.

Okay.

Okay.

[Wendy chuckles]

Morning, lovely.

[Emma] Morning.

[Josh chuckles]

[Emma chuckles]

[dramatic music]

[keys clinking]

[snow crunches]

[gnome clinks]

[Josh] What's the craziest thing, sexually,

that you've ever done?

Craziest thing I ever did?

[Josh] Yeah.

I fucked a dead girl once.

Oh my God. Really?

No, but I would if she was super hot.

You know what? Forget it.

I'm sorry I asked.

Oh and I went to a swingers' party one time.

Everyone was having sex everywhere.

Yeah, it was dirty.

Sexy, though.

Skeevy.

Nasty.

- [horn honks] - [siren wailing]

[Emma] Nasty Lounge?

Yeah.

It's clever, right?

I think it's, it's like tongue in cheek.

It's gross.

This whole thing is gross.

Ugh.

Is there really nowhere else

- we could go? - Babe, babe,

it's not like going for dim sum.

Okay? There's not a lot of choice here.

There's one sex club.

This is it.

Come on, let's go.

This will be fun.

[door slams]

[Emma groans]

So you, uh, you don't have like a daily,

like a guest pass available?

Okay.

Okay then.

I guess, um, two one year memberships.

Okay.

That'll be $300 each,

plus a one-time initiation fee of $50.

Oh, and there's a mandatory $27 coat-check fee charge,

and, of course,

- the cover charge. - You know what?

I, I, I don't need to know.

Just, uh, run, run that.

What, whatever you need.

It's fine.

[upbeat dance music]

[upbeat rock music]

Could be worse.

Yeah. No, no, no.

I think, uh, I think this looks promising.

- [faint rock music] - [signs buzzing]

Ex, excuse me.

Oh.

Oh.

Hi.

Uh, we're very flattered, um,

but we're, we're not interested.

It's not, it's not you guys.

We'd like some cheese.

- Yeah, of course. - Of course.

Help, help yourself.

He just wanted some cheese.

Oh my God.

- Okay. - Maybe we should-

No, no.

So what are you two beautiful people drinking tonight?

-My God. -Finally.

- Hi. Hi. - Hi. Sorry.

Thank you for breaking the ice.

We're a little nervous.

[Emma] It's our first time.

You've never ordered a drink before?

Don't worry, we could take it slow.

Ha. Thank you.

I'll have a tomato juice, please.

Yeah, me too.

Cool.

Here's a tip.

Um, find the red curtain for the higher end members.

I think you might get in.

- Thank you. - The red...

- A red curtain. - Red curtain.

[faint rock music]

[Emma] I think that looks like a red curtain.

That's definitely red curtain.

Higher end.

Should we tell her to bring the tomato juice in there?

Is that...

I mean, I'd feel bad if we run into her later

and she's been carrying it around night.

[Emma] She knows we're high end.

What would we say to her?

Uh, tell her, sorry,

"Our marriage is failing

and the only way to save it is to rekindle our sex life

by getting our tomato juice in the high end room."

[woman moaning]

[upbeat dance music]

- Oh, my God. - Where?

[upbeat dance music]

That's, hey.

[laughing]

[indistinct shouting]

[Arthur] The important thing is to remember to have fun.

Do you hear that voice?

- [Arthur] She's over there. - [Emma] It's so familiar.

[Arthur] All ready for you.

There you go.

Just take your time.

Have fun.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

We need to go now.

- What? - We need to leave now.

Why?

Because-

[Arthur] Emma?

[Emma] No.

I-

No.

I, I didn't see your name on any of the newsletters.

Hey, Arthur.

-Hey, Josh. -Hi.

Hey, have you heard from the girls?

Are they, are they having fun at camp?

Nope, we haven't heard a peep.

But you know what they say.

When they're at camp, no news is good news.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, are they taking the bus home or are,

are you gonna pick them up?

You know, I think picking up is probably the best.

It's part of the experience.

-Dad! What- -Trust me.

I am way more embarrassed than you are.

What makes you assume that?

Well, for one thing,

this isn't real leather 'cause you know how it s, stains.

It's really hard to...

So, um, I had to use vinyl and it, uh,

just doesn't work with my, uh, character.

Does Mom know?

- Oh, oh God. - Does she?

Arthur, Arthur, hey, this is none of our business.

Okay, we're, we're not, we're not gonna say a word to,

to Marge.

We promise.

Oh go ahead.

She's right over there.

[upbeat dance music]

Oh my God.

This is not happening.

This is not happening.

Well, I g, I guess now you know, um,

what we were doing when we said we were playing Bridge

with the Wassermans.

To tell you the truth,

we haven't actually seen them since the '80s.

Oh my God. Dad!

Why are you acting so casual?

Is this not the most mortifying experience of your life?

[upbeat dance music continues]

I've had worse.

- Worse? - [Arthur] Yeah.

I don't know how we're ever gonna talk again.

What, am I gonna come over and bring the kids

and have lunch? - [Arthur] What?

This is it. This is...

We have to part ways.

Just hang on there, Judgey Judgerton.

You've seen me naked millions of times.

Not since I was six.

Emma, can we please talk?

Please, please? Huh?

Please, please.

Hi.

Oh my God, Wendy,

-what are you- -I have not stopped

thinking about last night.

Okay, I don't know

- what you think happened. - The fuck?

But something happened and we need to talk about it alone,

- just you and me. - [Tom] Wendy,

what's going on with you?

What are you doing here?

It's a Giraffe.

Don't, don't be Tom.

Don't be Tom.

Tom!

Are you serious that you followed me here?

That isn't a...

That is a blatant violation of privacy.

Uh, I'm sorry.

Didn't you follow us here, Wendy?

I followed Emma.

I'm sorry.

Is this your new girlfriend?

The one who stole you away from me?

- Oh wait. Time out. - [Tom] She doesn't even

- have a penis. - I didn't steal anyone.

I'm not her girlfriend.

We broke up weeks ago.

And I told you I'm free to fornicate with whomever I choose.

Okay, wait.

This is the guy?

-Don't put your finger- -This the one

you had a threesome with?

Whoa! No!

Excuse me.

We didn't even touch each other, that...

I swear to God, that was not...

You watched?

I'm gonna use my thumbs to crush your eyes

into their sockets!

No!

You back away from her.

Bubbles.

[Tom groans]

Oh my God.

Go, get out of here.

Go, go.

Emma?

[Emma gasps]

[upbeat dance music]

[Josh sighs]

[Emma] What was that?

[Josh] Oh, no, that was, that was crazy.

[Emma] That was my Dad!

Yeah, I know. I know.

Did you pick up on what he was saying

about us going up to camp on Sunday to pick up the girls?

He's planning a surprise anniversary party for us.

- I know he is. - [Emma] Josh-

I know he is.

We had issues before,

but I don't know how we're gonna process this.

Your Dad? No.

Listen, it's...

I think it's good.

Your mom and dad have an active sex life

- after all these years. - And what have we done to Wendy?

We didn't...

Wait, that's...

Is that our fault?

I mean, she was a relatively normal person

before last night.

I just know before we ran into your parents,

I think things were, were going okay, right?

There was stuff happening there.

Don't, don't you see?

Our plans keep getting messed up by external forces.

Last night it was Wendy,

tonight it was your dad.

We need something that's just us.

Yes. Yes.

- Something private, right? - Yeah.

Like, intimate.

Yeah.

[Emma] Maybe we should do ecstasy.

[Josh chuckles]

Yeah.

Right.

'Cause I'm so great with the drugs.

You know, I get all in my head and I...

it messes with me.

And there was the time when we took the mushrooms

when we were camping at Rolling River and I,

I got poison Ivy on my butt.

Yeah, because you took off all your clothes

and you ran through the forest naked.

It was very freeing.

[Emma] Well, I don't wanna be free.

I don't ever wanna leave the house again

after what I saw tonight.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay. Let's, let's try the ecstasy.

[faint upbeat dance music]

Do you know where to get the ecstasy?

Like, where do you even-

Like, at rave parties?

Let you into a rave party?

Like, a dark alley.

You're gonna have to get it in an alley in the dark.

I got this.

[faint upbeat dance music]

[car sputters and revs]

[whimsical music]

How do you got it?

I got it.

No, you don't.

I got this.

Okay. [chuckles]

[whimsical music continues]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, yo, yo, you.

You look shifty.

No, I'm not. I'm not.

What do you want?

Uh, [clears throat]

I was wondering if, uh, if you could, [clears throat]

score me some ec, ecs...

Are you a narc?

What?

You sound like a really bad narc from the '90s.

Why?

Did, did I, did I say it wrong?

Whatever.

Can you hook me up?

What makes you think I have it?

What, I don't...

No, I don't know.

'Cause you, you're like a young person.

You're like a, like a,

like a modern woman and you,

you like to have a good time.

What?

So you think I just carry around MDMA

on my person at work on a Thursday?

[whimsical music]

Ah God, no.

Ooh, fuck!

When you say it like that,

I realize it was stupid.

Ah, I'm an idiot.

I'm sorry, forget it.

- [Josh groans] - [pills rattling]

So what...

So all that then was,

that was just you busting my balls,

like you torturing me

- for your amusement? - Yeah. Yeah.

Your eyeballs were twitching.

It was gross, but I kinda liked it.

Bye, Natasha.

Bye, Keanu.

Okay.

- Shading. - Mm. Mm-hmm.

-Shading. -Yeah.

See tomorrow.

I'm sad because you said you'd come by the gallery

and you never came.

Oh shit.

Oh, okay, I'm sorry.

I just, things have been kind of crazy with-

Okay, that's enough small talk.

I mostly came back for these.

I want these in my gallery now.

The artist I was showing came by the gallery today

and saw that I, I took down his scrotums.

He wasn't happy so he pulled everything,

now my gallery's empty.

I desperately need something to show.

I...

You'd be saving my ass.

Wait, are you kidding?

You're serious?

I, I mean, this is incredible.

I, I'd have to check with the Aisha,

but I'm sure she'd be thrilled.

Yes.

Oh my God.

You have no idea what kind of impact this could have on her.

Okay.

We'll bring them by tomorrow

and I'll use as many as I can fit.

You're serious?

Oh my God.

Hello.

Yeah, no, I, I understand.

I had a, an epiphany, though.

Open Saturday.

No, no balls.

She's a child.

Is all the water really necessary?

Well, yeah,

if you don't want to die

because I read that most MDMA related deaths

are caused by dehydration.

So if we're all splayed out on the floor,

all whacked out on drugs,

and we can't make it to the-

You're kind of ruining the fun.

Oh, okay, fine.

Okay.

Okay.

Sorry.

[Josh exhales deeply]

There, you see that?

You see how quickly I forgot

everything that I've read

about how ecstasy depletes spinal fluid

and increases the-

Shh.

Thank you.

All right.

Here, here. Cheers.

[Emma chuckles]

Cheers.

Good luck.

Oh shit. Water.

[gentle music]

How about now?

Yeah, yeah, no, I think I'm,

I'm feeling som...

I'm starting to feel something, you?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I feel something.

I think it's working.

Yeah.

Can you believe we thought that was it back on the couch?

Oh my gosh.

I feel like we're...

We were not high at the house.

Oh God.

And this whole sex thing.

I mean, we, we feel fine.

We'll figure it out.

We're not gonna like sell our house

and traumatize our kids.

- Oh my God. - We're not gonna wake up and,

like, hate each other.

That's not who we are.

Oh God, I feel really good right now.

[Josh] We're so good at figuring things out.

-I feel- -Like, I know.

[Emma] I feel like I could do anything.

Oh my God.

- Whoa! - [Emma] I feel like

we could do anything.

-I feel like everything's, alive -You know what?

We just made everything so unnecessarily complicated.

Don't you feel like we're too serious about the sex stuff?

When we were in university, we just had...

We fucked everywhere.

- We, like, had sex in my car. - And my parents!

Oh my God, my parents-

[overlapping chatter]

Or when they were sleeping.

We'd pretend you were a girl guide

and that I was a hunter-

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, yeah, and the kissing.

Oh, yeah, we kissed all the time.

Oh God, and your dick.

You, I used to love-

You always said you enjoyed my penis.

Even though it wasn't huge.

I, I have a slim vagina, right?

You have the slimmest-

[indistinct chatter]

You have the slimmest vagina

of anyone I've ever seen.

[Emma] I know, it was a perfect fit.

It was like puzzle pieces that fit together.

I wanna kiss you.

I wanna kiss you.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh my God.

Oh my God, your tongue-

It's my winter mint gum.

[funky music]

[Josh groaning]

[music stops]

[Emma panting]

[Josh grunting]

What?

Are you done?

I can't believe I just did that.

Oh my God.

[Josh moaning]

[both chuckling]

It's okay.

We could just recharge the batteries.

No, like, I...

Everything I read said, you know,

there's erectile dysfunction issues on ectasy.

I mean, we were lucky to get one erection.

We're, we're not gonna get two.

I'm sure we can try.

No, please don't do that.

- Please don't, don't, don't. - Okay, sorry.

[Josh] Just don't.

Just don't think about it.

Just...

I'll, I'll wait.

It's fine.

I'm really sorry.

Oh no. Please don't apologize.

Oh really?

So you're not, like, totally frustrated right now.

No.

I mean, I'm a little frustrated.

Oh my God, you are frustrated.

I knew, I knew this.

I fucked the whole thing up.

We can still do this.

No that's, that's pressuring me. You're...

That's putting pressure on me,

and I don't function well under pressure.

You know I, I don't-

I can't stop thinking about that comment you made earlier

about my penis.

When I complimented it?

Uh, by calling it not huge. [gasps]

Oh my God.

-What? -Oh no, no.

- I'm leaking. - What?

[Josh] I'm leaking spinal fluid.

It's semen.

Oh, I don't feel right.

[Emma] It's not spinal fluid.

I don't, I, I, I...

My head hurts and I, I,

I'm having, like, fucking back spasms.

Okay. Can you just calm down?

We're not the couple that yells at each other, okay?

Right.

[Emma] Just calm down.

When we have a problem, we fix it.

- Yeah. - Or we compromise.

I know what that is.

I know what, I know what you're doing there.

If you wanna say something, just say it to me.

And when you say that, it's like you're saying...

I know what you're saying.

It's like you think that you're the only one of us

who compromises.

That's not what I meant.

-Mm-hmm. -Okay?

But maybe we should stop playing games.

Maybe we should just speak our mind.

Great, you want me to speak my mind,

fuck I'ma speak my mind.

Calmly!

I'm gonna speak my f...

My I'm losing fucking my mind, Em.

I'm losing it because the kids are coming home

from camp and then,

then we're, we're back to, like, our normal routine.

And then, then this was our one chance, you know,

our one chance to prove that we could do this,

that we're not, I don't know, what, like,

sexually incompatible or something.

You think I'm not terrified?

You think I'm not lying in bed at night

worried about why we're not fucking,

that we're gonna end up like Andrew and Janice

in the goddamn grocery store?

You think this is just you?

Do you not see that my heart

is breaking just a little more every single day?

We're great parents together, right?

And we, we got the friendship thing down.

It's just...

It's this one piece that we...

I don't know.

I mean, I think maybe we made a mistake.

[sniffles]

Yeah, maybe we did [sniffles].

- Yep. - Wait, what are you...

What are you doing?

What, what are you, what are you doing?

I don't know.

I just gotta

clear my head,

get my thoughts together.

I'm gonna go to a hotel.

You're gon-

What are...

You're gonna what? Wh, why, why?

Why? Why?

I don't know.

I don't know what the fuck to do.

I don't know.

I don't think we're gonna...

I don't think we're gonna get anywhere here tonight

with both of us

just confused and paranoid.

Paran, paranoid?

Is that what you think?

You're talking about me, right?

You said we, but you meant me.

You think that I'm being paranoid?

Is that what you're saying?

Please don't go, okay?

There was a mis...

We, we're not the couple that does that.

We don't, like, walk out on each other

in the middle of a fight.

No, we're not, we're not,

we're not the couple who invites their friend

to a fucking threesome.

And we're not the couple who take ecstasy

- to try and have sex. - I know.

[Emma] Or have crushes on people

the week we're supposed to have-

- Wait. - [Emma] You know, like,

- to have sex. - I'm sorry.

Did you just say cru, that we have crushes?

I'm, I don't...

-I'm, I don't, I don't- -No, it's nothing.

It's just a stupid fucking crush.

It's just this timing that obviously is saying something.

It's just freaking me out.

[Josh] Whoa.

Who is it?

It's Marlon.

Marlon?

Marlon from art school?

Marlon, the gallery thingy guy?

Yes. It's stupid.

Oh, okay.

So what?

You guys, all week,

you guys have been, like, flirting and stuff?

No.

I mean,

a little,

maybe.

Okay.

Can I get some details on that,

just, like, details about what that means?

No, 'cause that's a really bad idea.

Mm, I think it's actually a really good idea

'cause I need to hear it.

And you just said

- you have a crush on Marlon. - Well, I don't know

what you're gonna hear 'cause there's also no details.

-I had- -[Josh] Okay.

- You want the details? - Yes.

I had a, a daydream about him.

- [Josh] A daydream? - That's it.

Is that like...

Is that code for, like, a sex fantasy?

Uh.

Yeah, I guess.

I guess that's what it is.

-Wow. -[Emma] Yeah.

Wow. Okay.

-So... Now you know.

In this, like, fantasy did he, like, kiss you?

In the fantasy?

[Josh] Yeah, inside the fantasy, did he kiss you?

- Yes. He did. - Wow.

Right.

Like, was it like a very...

Like a, tonguey, hot kiss?

Well, it was in a fantasy,

-so it was like a- -[Josh] Yeah.

-You know- -[Josh] It's probably-

-My fantasy... Yeah, your fantasy kiss.

It was a pretty hot kiss.

With Marlon.

And what else did he do to,

did he do to you in the fantasy?

I don't think you really wanna know this.

No, I definitely wanna know.

And I want you to tell me.

I just want to know.

It's cool.

Just tell me what he did to you in the fantasy.

What he did to me in the fantasy-

- [Josh] Yes, yeah. - He, uh,

he lifted me up on the desk and he took my panties off.

-Uh, they were much nicer... Okay, uh.

- No, you're right. - Than I was actually wearing.

- You're right. - [Emma] And then he came

-and he- -That's good.

Stop it!

It's good, it's good.

I get it. You're right.

That was a really bad idea.

And,

and you were right

that we are not gonna figure this out tonight.

-Josh. -No.

And you were right that we need space, so I'm-

[Emma] Oh my God.

I'm giving us some space.

Where are you going?

Josh?

[pensive music]

[door slams]

Fucking gnomes!

- [Josh groans] - [gnome shatters]

[pensive music continues]

[Emma sniffling]

[Kelly chuckles]

Oh dude.

You partied on a school night, wow.

Oh, you look really creepy.

You look super fucking sketchy.

It's, it's actually really embarrassing.

Hey, Josh, I need you to clean that up and go home.

[Josh groans]

Yeah, well, there it is,

the fog of the morning after.

You know, I should have warned you.

That's what happens when you have an evening of euphoria

and crazy sex.

Would you, would you stop with the sex?

There was no sex, okay?

Emma and I,

we took the ectasy because our relationship

is falling apart because our sex life is in shambles.

All right?

There, I said it.

Oh.

Okay.

Uh, well, first of all, it's called "molly".

When you say the ecstasy,

it's very embarrassing for both of us.

And I'm guessing it's still in your system

'cause it's doing something

that was surprisingly, uh, honest.

I'm sorry.

Come on, tell me what happened last night.

[indistinct chatter]

Okay.

It was, [clears throat] it was really bad.

It was a disaster.

She told me that she has a crush on this old flame of hers.

Okay.

That's totally normal.

People have crushes all the time.

Yeah, but she's been working with the guy all week

and now she's worried that she's gonna maybe, like,

do it with him or something.

Oh.

I spent the night at a dingy motel room.

Yeah.

That's pretty fucking tragic.

Yeah.

It's the first time since I met her

that I just have no clue what's going on in her head.

Yeah.

Well, you should probably do something about that.

I know.

That, that, that's what I was thinking.

Yeah, maybe like a romantic gesture or something.

Hey, you, you think I should make her jealous?

Uh, no, I don't think you should do that.

Yeah, because she's never been jealous before.

She's not really the jealous type,

that's just because I've never posed a threat.

Okay, what you're suggesting is juvenile,

manipulative and mean-spirited.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's gonna work [claps].

No, look, I happen to be a master

at romantic manipulation, okay?

I am not proud of it.

Oh my God, I am so proud of it.

I'm just kidding.

-And what is... I know what I'm saying

sounds totally crazy.

I recognize this is an unconventional approach.

It sounds crazy coming outta my mouth.

What are you doing with that phone?

But I really think thi, this is gonna work

because I feel her slipping away, you know?

And I gotta do whatever it takes to get her back, right?

It doesn't make me a bad per...

Does that make me a bad person?

-It doesn't make you a bad... Oh my God.

Josh, Josh, listen to me!

Every single person born after 1990

is trained in these very arts,

the art of Tinder.

Please just put the phone down.

Put it down.

Hang up the phone.

[phone ringing]

I need you to do this for me.

What? No,

Uh-uh, I'm not touching that phone.

Nope.

- I think it looks really good. - [phone ringing]

Yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

I'm sorry, just one second.

[heels clicking]

Thank God you called.

Look, I don't wanna-

Oh, hello?

Oh, sorry.

Who is this?

This is Emma.

Who's this?

Oh geez.

I'm so sorry.

I think I might have ass dialed you on Josh's phone.

Who is this?

It's Kelly from Josh's work. [giggling]

Josh, oh my gosh, come here.

I think I might have ass dialed Emma on your phone.

I'm so sorry. [giggling]

I'm such a dumb slut sometimes.

That's good. That's good.

Hey, sorry about that.

Hey.

Um,

how are you feeling after last night?

Uh, I don't know.

I've been better.

What I said about Marlon-

[Josh sighs]

Just, I, I really don't wanna hear about Marlon

- right now, okay? - I know.

I'm sorry.

-I... It was a mistake.

I, I didn't mean to call you.

I, uh, I gotta go.

Um,

we're just gonna go grab some dinner.

Oh, okay.

You, you have dinner plans?

It's like a private work thing, so, uh...

Anyway, I gotta go.

Bye.

Well, that's done.

I feel dirty.

What did I just do?

I believe my words were mean-spirited,

juvenile and manipulative.

How could you let me do that?

I, I actually warned you.

I have a gift.

It's guided by a higher power,

there's nothing I can do about it.

The situation is 100% on you.

[Josh sighs]

Like, it's, it's looking pretty good, right?

I mean, we can come back tomorrow

and make some last minute adjustments if we want to.

But I don't know.

I think we're pretty much...

We're ready to go.

You got any dinner plans?

You know I'm married, right?

So what the fuck is wrong with you?

I, I, I thought the three of us could grab some dinner,

you, me and Josh, if you don't already have plans,

But, uh, really, forget it.

- I'm, I'm, I'm sorry. - No.

You know what?

I don't even want to have dinner with you,

with either of you 'cause I, I hate dinner.

I uh, totally was, was joking.

I don't even eat, so that's...

Whatever I did, I didn't mean it.

I'm truly sorry.

And please don't be mad at me.

[Emma sighs]

No, it's not you.

I'm really sorry. [sniffles]

I just made everything really awkward.

Well, welcome to my world.

The, the world of awkward, awkward world,

the wonderful world of awkward.

Just stop.

Look, Josh and I just have...

We're just going through something right now,

so we can't go for dinner.

It's just we've always been able to talk it through,

always.

Yeah, I believe it.

Are you gonna eat that?

And, but I, I s...

I screwed up.

I told him I had a crush.

Ugh.

You have a crush?

I told him I was having intense sexual fantasies about you

when we were in an ecstasy fueled meltdown

teeming with paranoia and anxiety.

[Emma sighs]

I was just a horrible person,

a stupid person.

Well, he's not exactly being a saint, you know,

trying to make you jealous

with that phone call tonight with that girl from work.

- Wait. Wait. - Now, when you say fantasies-

Wait, you think he was trying to make me jealous, like,

on purpose?

Yeah.

It seemed pretty obvious from what you were saying.

But when you say sexual,

- what exactly are we doing? - Oh my God.

That is so unlike him.

That's...

I can't believe he would do that.

I mean, that's something I did in eighth grade

when I was an idiot.

It's so mean.

Oh my God. [groans]

Oh my God, am I...

Is he an idiot?

Am I married to an idiot?

Have I been married to an idiot for like 10 years

and didn't know it?

I mean, all's fair and love and war,

or so they say.

I mean, I,

I personally don't advocate for, um,

-idiocy in- -How could-

In love or, or, or-

I mean, I don't know

how I could have not seen that, though.

You could fight fire with fire, you know,

make him jealous too.

Oh my...

I'll be, I'll be back.

Hey, was I wearing anything specific in the, in the..

[door slams]

It's a blessing and a cruse.

But, you know, I'm just so good at it.

I look so cute doing it.

- [Josh] Yeah. - Oh shit.

She looks pissed.

[door slams]

Okay. Well, I'm gonna, I'm gonna hang back.

Honey, look, I know that-

[strike thuds]

Oh ow!

You just, you slapped me?

It was with a mitten.

What is wrong with you,

trying to make me jealous?

[Josh sighs]

Is that...

That's what we are now?

-No, look, look- -Like 12-year-olds?

I regressed, I did something stupid,

I know that.

But it's 'cause I'm out of my mind and I,

I didn't know what to do.

But don't you see?

You saw through that bullshit.

You're, you know me better than anybody.

You saw right through it.

- You still came. - No.

I, I didn't.

I never would've known if Marlon didn't say

that you were doing this stupid thing.

Marlon?

So what, you...

So you were just with Marlon now?

I was at the gallery setting up for the show.

You know, don't turn this into-

Hold on. I'm just trying...

I'm just trying, I'm trying to understand

how that conversation must have played out.

So you would've had to have like told him about our issues,

about our private, personal sexual issues.

We were having dinner.

I was upset.

I had to talk to somebody.

I see. [chuckles]

I get, I get what this is.

You, uh,

you...

I made you jealous

and so now you're making me jealous.

Oh my God.

Seriously?

This is crazy.

That was Marlon's suggestion.

Why does every man suddenly think-

-Oh Marlon, Ma, Ma, Ma- -That that's a good idea.

Marlon suggested that you should make me jealous, right?

That's what you're saying?

He suggested that you make me jealous?

Can we have a conversation,

like a normal human conversation?

- Ah. - When did we transform

- into crazy people? - Oh.

And by we, I mean you.

What is-

Can I just ask you something?

Tell me the truth.

Did Marlon come over to the house after I left last night?

Oh my God.

[Josh] Did he, like, did he kiss you? Did he...

What was it?

Did he lift you up on the desk and pull off your panties

-and penet- -Yes. Yes, he did.

Yes. We had angry, angry sex on our marital bed.

- And he, he drilled me so hard. - Ah, ah, you think, you think

- this is really funny? - And I, I got hungry.

-No, no! -Huh?

[Emma] Then I ordered pizza.

Yeah, yeah, this is-

I banged the pizza guy too.

And then there was also a plumber,

and the plumber did that thing,

that [blows raspberry]

thing that they do in the pornos where all the j,

the jizz all over my...

I couldn't even see.

And it was like all the things in all the pornos.

[Josh] Wow.

Are you se...

Of, of course I didn't do anything.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know what to think. [scoffs]

You're walking away?

You're getting in your car?

[engine sputters and revs]

You're starting your car?

[car engine revving]

And you're driving away.

[pensive music]

Jesus. Fuck!

What are you doing here on a Saturday?

Mm-hmm.

Wait, don't you have your wife's gallery,

showy thing tonight?

You're going to that, right?

No.

Tell me you're going to that.

Okay.

So if you're not gonna go see your wife tonight,

what are you gonna do?

Oh, I'm thinking I'd order Indian food,

watch some TV, possibly kill myself.

All right.

You're coming to a party with me.

Come on.

[scoffs] That is...

There's no way that that is happening.

Yeah, you need the distraction.

Yeah. You know what?

I'm just gonna stick with the suicide plan.

Thanks, though, for offering.

[pills rattling]

It's gonna be fun.

[Josh] Yeah,

a bunch of millennials posting photos of themselves?

No, thank you.

No, it's actually gonna be a bunch of hipsters

drinking craft beer outta Mason jars.

Oh my God, that's so much worse.

You got your car with you?

Yeah. Why?

Great.

You're gonna take me to the party.

-Uh... Come on.

You're not gonna get these back until you come with me.

[Josh] Ugh.

See where it's going?

- Let's go. - [Josh] Oh my God.

-Ugh. -Ooh.

That's really gross.

You, you can, you can just keep all that stuff.

I don't need those things.

[Kelly] Let's go, Josh.

Do I have, do I have to?

[pensive music]

[recorded voice speaking faintly]

Josh, where the hell are you?

You're not at the motel, you're not at, at home.

Your car's not in the driveway.

I, I, I need to get back to the gallery, just,

can you please call me back?

[gnome clinks]

Shit.

[gnome clinking]

[dog barking]

[mellow jazz music]

[indistinct chatter]

Uh, okay, you're her husband.

Congratulations.

Another new husband.

Do you want some art to celebrate?

I always, always appreciate it when you buy something

with each 'cause I think we still got a couple paintings.

That one might be available, I'm not sure.

This one, I just sold for an exorbitant amount of money.

That guy did not seem-

[overlapping chatter]

Nobody believes the artist is 15.

She's selling like hot cakes,

which is a very confusing expression

'cause I don't know about you,

but after, like, one hot cake I'm totally full.

[indistinct chatter]

I'm so sorry.

I have to get outta here.

Yeah.

I, I'll walk you.

[faint funky music]

You got to butter me up

[funky music]

Okay, look,

I got you here safe,

and I'm gonna go now, okay?

- Put arm around me. - What?

Just put your arm around me.

Why are you doing this?

Because...

Just-

It's the married guy.

- Stop staring. - Oh.

Jesus Christ. Stop it.

- Stop staring at him. - What?

Okay, I just need to keep your eyes on me, all right?

Keep your eyes on me.

Keep your eyes on me and just look at me

as if I'm, like, I'm super hot.

- Oh my God. - Just do it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

After all the shit you gave me about playing games?

What the hell?

Because you are old.

'Cause you should know better.

Oh my God. Please, Josh.

Come on.

It's about damage control tonight.

I really need your help.

Things are a little bit rocky with Gary,

and I just need to nudge back in there.

I thought your generation

was supposed to be, like, evolved and, like, woke.

Don't say woke!

- What? - God, you're so embarrassing.

God!

All right, game on.

What?

Grab a, grab a tit.

No, I'm not do...

I'm not, I'm not doing this.

No way.

[funky music continues]

Fine.

I'll do it myself.

Butter me up

You've got to butter me up

Butter me up

You got to butter me up

Butter me up

You've got to butter me up

Butter me up

You got to butter me up

You never fucking listen to me!

This is what I fucking hated about you.

Get the fuck out my life.

Butter me up

Shake it, baby girl

Butter me up

[Josh] Hey, Kelly, wait.

- I'm fine. - Could you just hold up?

[Kelly] No, it's fine, Josh.

Leave me alone.

[Josh] Look, hey, just take, take a breath.

[pensive music]

I just wish we could go back

to the way we were a week ago.

I mean, sex was, non-existent,

but we didn't care.

I mean, it wasn't perfect but at least I was happy.

We were happy.

Every relationship I've ever had ended

'cause the passion fizzled out,

and the sex always suffers.

Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.

I've never been able to make it stick.

And look at me, I'm alone.

[Emma sighs]

What?

- You want more? - No, no.

- I've had enough. - You want more wine?

Trust me.

-I've had more than- -No, you need more.

No, don't do that.

Oh, that's [mumbling].

Oh God.

Hang on, I'm just gonna...

[faint rap music]

[message typing]

Hey, stop texting.

Stop texting, I'm right here.

Thank you.

I'll take that.

It tastes like shit.

[Josh chuckles]

[faint rap music]

I'm sorry. [laughs]

I'm,

I'm, I'm,

I'm not good at this sort of thing.

Is that...

Are you...

Is that a, like, maybe...

Are you thinking of...

You're not thinking of kissing me, are you?

Just...

I...

Maybe I am.

Oh my God.

- You are. - I mean, I-

Eh, wow, that's-

No, I...

What?

Wait, did you wanna kiss me? [chuckles]

No, you, you are, you are-

- Who not? - Cause you're...

Well, you're clearly not in the appropriate head space

to kiss anybody right now.

What are you trying to say?

And, well, neither am I.

I mean, I'm, I'm not in that space either, okay?

-Neither of us... I think you just made

a pretty good argument.

[faint rap music]

Well, any woman or man would be lu-

[Emma moaning]

[Marlon chuckles]

Okay.

Wow.

That was...

Wow.

Thanks.

I took an online course.

If that's any indication

of what sex would be like with you,

it would be like that.

Yeah, of course, it would be.

Of course, 'cause I'm in vulnerable place

and everything's raw and, um...

And of course it's great right now, right?

Because you're new and things with me and Josh are...

It's probably this really distorted filter.

So, no more kissing?

Oh, sorry.

Yep.

Oh gosh.

[pensive music]

[icicle shatters]

[gnome clinks]

[Josh snoring]

Ah.

Morning, sexy.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

[Kelly] Would you relax?

We made out and you felt me up a little,

that was it.

Oh, I'm, I'm, I'm a monster.

I'm a horrible person.

I've done a very, very, very bad thing.

Dude, you were trying to cheer me up, okay?

I was all conflicted over the Gary thing

and you were just helping me move on.

You're a good friend.

I've ruined everything forever.

Um,

and I'm in love with you.

Oh.

Hey, Kelly, I'm...

I, I don't know what to say.

I ha, I had no idea.

Well, things between you and Emma

look like they're falling apart,

so I just wanted you to know I'm here.

I mean, we have fun together, we get along.

I'm super fun.

I think you could do a lot worse.

Oh God. No.

I mean, of course...

Worse?

Look, you're, you're amazing.

I know.

So?

I'm, I'm in love with Emma.

She's the love of my life.

I'm sorry. What was that?

She, she's the one.

She's always been the one for me.

I'm, I wanna be with her forever.

-I mean, no matter what... Come again.

[suspenseful music]

Oh my God.

You, you fucking with me again!

- Whoa! - Well, it worked.

You know what?

You, you know, you have a problem.

You have a series of problems.

You're disturbed.

Um, I just saved your marriage,

so you're welcome.

Please. You don't even believe in marriage.

No, just because I think monogamy

is a fundamentally flawed and antiquated construct

doesn't mean it's bullshit for everyone.

And you have to go pick up your offspring.

Hey, is this room on your credit card?

Yeah. Why?

Great. I'm gonna order room service.

Oh, hey.

Hey. Psst.

Yeah.

Happy anniversary.

Oh shit.

[Kelly laughs]

Right.

[door clicks and slams]

[Kelly sighs]

[notification beeps]

[suspenseful music]

[heels clicking]

Josh?

[door creaks]

[Emma gasps]

Em, we gotta go!

We're gonna be late!

Em?

[suspenseful music]

[message typing]

Wendy, what the fuck?

What?

Where's Josh?

I'm sorry, I, I, I just...

I didn't mean to trick you.

I just didn't know how else to get you alone.

I needed to talk to you.

Now?

In a motel?

Well, you said you'd never had sex

on a swing before, right?

There's a swing.

Oh my God. Jesus.

That...

I...

Wendy, I was just, like, spitballing.

You, you'd said you wanted to try a swing

and Josh never done that for you.

And I think, I think things between you are broken.

Actually, my relationship with Josh

is the only thing that isn't broken.

Wendy, I'm so sorry for fucking everything up between us,

okay?

I'm really sorry.

I came alive that night,

and you woke me up.

And I know you felt something too.

Just give me one more chance.

I didn't, I was faking.

I'm sorry.

I didn't.

I...

And we already tried that, and look where it got us.

Look at this.

This is weird.

Okay, so fine.

So you just wanna make out a little or, or-

No!

No!

Well, wh, what about the sex swing?

You have no idea how hard it was for me

to put up that thing.

I don't, I don't wanna make out.

I don't wanna have sex on the sex swing. Ugh.

I just want,

I just wanna erase everything and have my friend back,

okay?

Can I please have my friend back, like,

without the sex stuff, please?

Yes.

You can have your friend back.

You know, maybe once in a while down the road,

if we're really drunk some time and the vibe is right-

-No. -No?

Not gonna happen.

Not gonna happen.

[whimsical music]

If I go to leave,

you promise you're not gonna punch me in the throat?

I promise I will not punch you in the throat.

You have to really push.

Tricky one.

[door slams]

[whimsical music]

[door creaks]

Dawn?

Gracie?

[All] Surprise!

[Dawn] Daddy!

Hey. Oh.

- Happy Anniversary. - Oh, were you surprised?

Yes, I was surprised.

[Dawn] Where's Mommy?

That's...

I'm gonna tell you in one sec,

so just hold, hold on.

Wow.

Arthur, worth the surprise.

Well, I thought it'd be good for you guys to come back here.

Old memories.

[indistinct chatter]

- [Josh] Yeah. - So where's my Emma?

Ha!

Right. One...

I will get to that.

Hi, everybody.

[Crowd] Hi.

Thank you for being here.

Oh, hello?

That's, uh...

Oh, that seems unnecessary.

Thank you.

Um, so it's really, uh, it's unexpected to see you all here.

This is, uh...

It's been a long time since I've been in this room.

And, um, you know, seeing all your familiar faces here,

it's weird.

It's like, 'cause it's out of context.

- [Grace] Dad? - Yeah.

You're being super awkward.

[group laughing]

- [woman] Yep. - [man] Yeah.

Seriously, where's Mom?

Mom? Where's Mom?

So I bet you're all wondering where Emma is.

Funny story. [chuckles]

You know how sometimes you, when you wake up, right?

So Emma...

So this is, this is a good one.

So your mom, when your mom, when Emma woke...

She wakes up and... [laughs]

I...

Look... [sighs]

She's here.

She just pulled up.

I'll be right back.

Everybody wait here.

Oh, it's fine.

Mom's here.

Party begins.

Yeah.

-Hi. -[Emma] Hey.

I went by the house to pick you up.

I know. It's a long story.

I'll tell you later.

Okay.

Wendy told me that all our friends and family

are in there.

[Emma sighs]

I guess you were right about my dad's big plan.

I, I, I have to tell you something.

Um, I, um, I made out with Kelly last night.

I might have touched her boobs a little.

- Different Kelly. - Oh.

But I only did it because I thought that,

that you slept with Marlon.

I didn't sleep with Marlon.

I, I know.

I, I, I, I know that now.

Of course you, of course you didn't sleep with Marlon.

Idiot.

I'm so sorry.

Just shut up.

I love you.

[Emma whimpering]

We really messed things up there, didn't we?

That was, that was all crazy.

We saw my parents having group sex.

[Arthur laughs]

It's a metaphor.

[Josh] Yeah, at the sex club that we went to.

That weird room.

Oh my God, that was so weird.

- The bunny lady. - [Josh] Yes.

Those horse guys.

Oh yeah.

Oh, by the way, they're, they're here.

Uh, your dad must have-

[Arthur] For the love of God.

Why is no one turning this off?

Do you know where we are?

Yeah.

This is the,

- this is the exact spot. - This is the spot.

Oh my God. Yeah.

It was, uh, it was Disco Night.

Mm-hmm.

- I was so excited. - You were,

you were headed back to your cabin,

- you were walking back. - And then

you tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around,

and you leaned in with this confidence that-

[gentle music]

Our teens, 20s-

God.

We're not those people anymore.

No, we're not.

- [Grace] Mommy! - [Dawn] Mommy!

Hey, you guys.

Oh.

[pensive music]

Hey.

[Emma groans]

[Josh] All right.

Let's go, let's go.

Everyone's waiting.

Come on, you guys.

[Grace] Daddy, you should stop saying bad words,

'cause we could hear everything you say.

[Josh] Oh dear, that...

No, that's not...

That's not good.

[Dawn] What's a sex club?

[funky music]

I've got you down to a science

But you don't stand a chance

You play your tricks, girl

You can't deny it

But you don't stand a chance

You've got to butter me up

Don't you hurt my precious ego

You know what to do

Don't go saying things to be nasty

Unless you follow through

You've got to butter me up

You've got to butter me up

You've got to butter me up

Butter me up

You've got to butter me up

[funky music continues]

Two, three

[funky music continues]

Butter me up

You've got to butter me up

Butter me up

You've got to butter me up

Butter me up

You've got to butter me up

Butter me up

You got to butter me up

You got to butter me up

Shake it, baby girl

Butter me up

Butter me up

Shake it, baby girl

Butter me up