Original subtitles

♪♪

Susan: I don't know how much clearer we can be.

The Party doesn't care about you kicking Mothman

into high-voltage fencing.

Where's our infrastructure bill?

Where's our Supreme Court stacking?

Susan, come on, it's my job to eliminate fear.

That piece of shit's been flying around,

mothballing cheerleaders for decades.

Andre, I know you don't think you work for The Party,

but we sure as fuck don't work for you.

Your job is to support our interests.

[ Sighs ] Bye, Andre.

Yeah okay, bye.

Tony, set a meeting with The Party --

I'm starting to think we shouldn't support Curtis

for re-election.

Party Leader: Totally. He's a fluke one-termer.

[ Chair squeaks ]

Did you hear that?

You think he's still on the call?

Quietly listening as insecurity sets in?

Ugh.

Banks: Well, that went well.

Oh, my god, this is why I waved you out of the office.

Sir, why didn't you tell me about that call?

It's my job to help with Party drama.

You think I give a shit about The Party?

When you need to know something, you'll know.

Like now. You should know I gotta piss.

[ Pee trickling, toilet flushes ]

♪ Mm, he's part robot, he's part cop ♪

Mysterious woman: Come see me.

Hello?

♪ Detroit streets are safe as hell ♪

Are you afraid?

You're weak.

You have a little dick and balls.

Shit.

I'm just saying --

Seriously, Banks?

Outside the bathroom?

Well you walked away before.

Gather the staff. We're going to Camp David.

Camp David? You're taking a vacation now?

We leave in twenty.

Ugh.

Don't ever stand around waiting for him, okay?

That's my thing.

How long were you behind me?

If you're asking if I heard you fart, the answer is yes.

Are you trying to fart again, what is wrong with you?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"She can't touch you." Yeah no shit, Truman.

"Always jerk off before you go,"

how is that advice, Clinton?

Useless.

Should I read that too?

Oh, are you a President?

Because it's a book passed down between Presidents.

What are you, five? Just tell me what's going on.

When summoned to Camp David, a President must undergo

a test of mental will at the hands of

an ancient witch named "David".

We're coming here to mind duel with a witch?

Not us, him.

Alone, again.

Solitarily.

Oh, my god, guys, it's nothing.

She can't even touch me.

I just have to make it to sunrise

without surrendering my kingdom.

Uhh...

She's ancient.

The terminology hasn't aged well.

Driver: Sir?

[ Car squeals ]

We're here.

[ Curtis Grunts ]

I thought it was a test of mental will,

why am I staring at his bare ass?

Part of the ritual.

Apparently the pact was made by Roosevelt,

the wheelchair one not the mustache one.

If you pass the test, she remains tethered here.

Hey. You think he's gonna fire me?

What?

Curtis. I dunno...

Feels like he's not telling me things on purpose.

His job isn't to tell you shit.

I've asked a lot about the witch

and all he's told me is she's basically

like a sexy roast comic.

Nothing to fear. See you nerds after sunrise.

So that's it?

He just peaces out until morning?

What do we do?

We go to Camp.

♪♪

♪ Wolf is howlin, my guy ♪

Campers: ♪ Kum bay ya ♪

Wow.

I've never felt such an urge

to give someone a swirly.

Good luck.

All the toilets here are eco-friendly since Obama.

Ugh, here come The Lifers.

"The Lifers"?

Yeah, White House staffers

who have worked for multiple administrations.

You don't wanna hang with them,

they hate presidents.

What? That's insane, we work with Janice every day.

Just trust me on this one.

They're loyal to the White House,

we're loyal to Curtis.

It's oil and waddles.

You mean "water"?

Whatever, college.

I'm gonna go sign up for the canoes

before Chomps bogarts all the good shit.

[ Laughter ]

Hey what's up, guys.

Janice, Chef Matteo,

Michael in accounting, Chief Usher Cherri.

Love the jacket. What are those stars?

[ Scoffs ] And an ice cream cone?

Watch out guys,

the new Temp's trying to make small talk.

Temp.

Dead Temp Walking.

Okay you clearly know my name, I'm your boss.

Yeah, for now.

Look at those pictures. Look at 'em.

Temps like you leech onto a president,

then poof, who gives a shit.

That's why we put go hard

for the nonpartisan side of government,

and let the manchilds rise and fall like the McRib.

This is my eighteenth Camp David.

Thirteenth.

Twenty-second.

Oh, you know me, I don't Camp and tell.

Hey Cher, just signed us up for axe throwing.

Let's go, pussies.

Matteo: Whoo-hoo.

Michael: Oh, yeah.

Enjoy it while you can, Temp.

In your job, there's a good chance

this is your last Camp David.

[ Laughs ]

Did I just get bullied?

And did I like it?

[ Animals chattering, Curtis whistling ]

[ Swamp bubbling ]

Oh, boy.

Let the games begin.

You've come to challenge me again?

Well, I think you'll like my new form.

Curtis: Whoa...Oh...

Oh, god. O-Okay.

Did you skim an image of a naked woman from my mind

and think, "This, but water balloon carnival game"?

I mean you fully skipped the nipples.

Are you ready to surrender your kingdom to me, Andre?

Quit now, and release me from this pact.

Eh, I think I'll just let you talk shit

and make it to sunrise.

Then you stay trapped here,

and I'll go eat an omelet or something.

Ugh, I know you're just gonna do the jump scare thing.

Are you sure you don't want to kiss me?

Surrender to it.

You're mist. You can't even touch me.

The more you believe, the more tangible I become.

Come on, I got all these boobs.

[ Laughs ] I'm sorry but, you just look ridiculous.

As you wish.

Curtis: Ah, here we go, twenty bucks says

you're gonna be someone from my family.

Andre?

Oh, my god, you went straight for my mom??

Son, I -- I never got to tell you

before I died that you were

[demonic voice] a huge disappointment.

[ Laughs ] My real mom was scarier than that.

Keep talking, you're making me all sentimental.

I worry about him out there.

All alone in those woods.

[ Scoffs ] If you're worried, go check on him.

You think I don't want to?

I'm rowing a canoe in a full suit

just in case Curtis needs me.

I'm chaffing.

I dunno.

I was talking with the Lifers,

and what they said kinda made sense.

Like, are we putting too much faith

in this one guy?

Are you fuckin' nuts?

What?

I told you, the Lifers wouldn't care

if Curtis ate glass through his dick.

Dicks don't have mouths.

Then how do we pee?

Who we serve matters, Banks.

You think I'm gonna take a bullet for the next guy?

Maybe the next guy would actually tell us shit.

Oh, my god.

Why don't you just admit that

this isn't about The Lifers at all,

it's about Trent McGaffin.

What? Who's Trent McGaffin?

So you've never seen the other hot guy

who isn't me strutting around the office?

[ Scoffs ] Yeah, right. Unbelievable.

Okay, so he's on a whole different story.

[ Lifers laughing ]

Matteo: Whoo.

[ Grunts ] Mark it.

Two points for the cheek.

Whattup Lifers. You throwing axes?

Uh, hit the bricks, Temp.

We reserved this spot.

Yeah, well, I was thinking about

what you said and...

Wait, is that a Xerox'd ass?

Janice: Kennedy's.

He used to write letters on the back.

The cheeks were basically his wax seal.

Let me guess, you see a President's ass

and you want to kiss it.

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

"Oh, Mr. Kennedy."

Mwah.

Uh-huh. [ Grunts ]

[ Excited chattering ]

Wow, that's humbling.

[ Grunts ]

Whoa.

Michael: That's ten points.

Right in the crack.

That's an ass cheek turkey.

Put me down for thirty.

Damn.

You really aren't like the other Chiefs of Staff, are you?

Jan Jan, exactly how many did Curtis have before her?

Richardson, TaunTaun, Booger, Steve, Steve Jr.,

Steve Senior, Rollerwheels, Pigpen, Zahara, Maddox,

Lady Cornpop, Gimble, Barkman, Barkwoman...

[inhales] Petey Ears, Candice, GrassBear,

Michael, Backpack Kid, Jerry, Capricorn,

Steve Senior's Force Ghost, and Carl.

He fired GrassBear after thirty minutes.

Jesus.

Wait, was he the one with the laser eyes?

No that was Zahara.

Grassbear was the bear who could turn into grass.

Well I guess his name wasn't CreativeBear.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, I'm pulling a one-eighty on her.

Huge fan.

Hey, should we get the journal?

What? Matteo, you're drunk.

And high. And overdosing aspartame.

What's your point?

She's still drinking the Curtis kool-aid.

If piggy reads it, she'll squeal.

Guys, I'm not gonna tell Curtis shit.

It's not like he talks to me anyway.

Get it.

"Commander in Brief"?

When you work at 1600 as long as we do,

you see all the fleeting Presidential dirt.

"Reagan keeps a troll in his closet to practice kissing on."

Is that true?

Yeah.

That's how AIDS got started.

Wow, you guys kinda buried the lead on that one.

"Eisenhower's freeway system was a coke idea."

Oh yeah, he was a total snow bunny.

Damn. No wonder you guys are so detached.

Keep reading. One of them was a time traveler.

I'm not gonna tell you who.

Or when.

We need a plan to oust him, Susan.

Curtis won't just step down.

He barely got the popular vote.

By election time, people will be burned out

on his Batman shtick and craving someone stable.

We could always tap Dwayne the VP.

He's white, that's an automatic ten percent of the vote.

Oh, don't stop talking on my account.

[ Party leaders gasp ]

Andre?.

Have you lost your mind?

Yeah, Susan, I think I have,

especially since I'm still naked in a swamp.

[ Laughs ] Hit me, David.

I got at least three more whizzes in the tank.

D-Dad?

I ain't your daddy, kid.

And don't try any of that Billy Jean shit,

I keep it wrapped and strapped.

I-I'm the kid you dreamed about having with Beverly, remember?

I don't exist because deep down you know that parenting

is another job you would fuck up.

Language.

Shut up.

You're not my real dad. [ Grunts ]

Man, that shin kick would've hurt more

if you could touch me.

Peace out, ghost baby.

I know you, Curtis.

Behind all that arrogance is fear.

Yield to me.

David, we don't have to do this whole song and dance.

You can quit too,

and we can just call it a night.

Oh, Jesus.

Shit, shit, shit.

This is bad. This is really bad...

...is what I'd be saying if I wasn't destroying you

like a bitch!

[ Poofs ]

[ Laughs ]

Man, I've got all

the UNO Reverse Cards in this game.

Keep it coming, David.

I got all night.

[ David cries out ]

Banks: "Curtis cries while watching RoboCop every morning."

Mm-hmm. "He pees sitting down"?

This is what you got on Curtis?

Guess it's hard to find burns for a guy

who's basically a man-shaped explosion.

[ Laughter ]

I mean, his own Party doesn't want him

for a second term and he basically told them

to fuck off and came here instead.

[ Laughter ]

"Told them to fuck off and came here instead".

Oh, also put in the "man-shaped explosion" thing.

I was riffing but it was a crowd pleaser.

[ Laughter ]

Marking it.

Temp Banks, you finally see the light.

I think you're ready for the shirt.

Lifers: Ooh.

Rit-u-al. Rit-u-al.

Consider this an open invitation.

You don't need to quit or do anything

narratively unbelievable,

but when Curtis does eventually fire your ass...

...we'll be there with the Lifer raft.

Aww, you guys.

You just gotta do one thing first.

[ Exclaims excitedly ]

Cherri: Wahoo.

Michael: Yes.

[ Cherri laughs ]

[ Lifers cheering ]

Hoist. Hoist. Hoist. Hoist.

[ Laughter ]

Banks: Woo-hoo.

Janice: Let's go, pussies.

Oh, my god, this is crazy.

My first undie flagpole hoist.

Cathartic, right?

There's something about doing tropes

that just...hits different.

[ Lifers cheering ]

Temp Lifer Banks, welcome to the fam.

[ Lifers laughing ]

O'Doyle: Banks.

Are you crazy?

His Batman underwear?

How could you betray him like that?

You know he likes to wear those when he's watching cartoons.

[ Lifers laughing ]

We gotta add that to the journal.

Stop laughing as a united team.

You plan the Easter Egg hunt for a living.

[ Men shouting, gunfire ]

[ Helicopter whirs ]

[ Explosion ]

Soldier: You were wrong, Sergeant.

You gave the wrong orders! [ Groans ]

Not gonna roll him over,

I know it's just gonna be my own face.

[ Smoke whooshes ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ]

What the hell?

Burritorama?

You went from Afghanistan

to when I worked at the burrito shop?

How are there still beans on the plate, Curtis?

No way.

Chet Simmons? [ Chuckles ] My old manager?

See, this is what happens when you blow your wad

and use my mother first.

Answer the question.

How can you fail at washing a dish?

Because your sponges suck ass.

It's not the sponges. Marco's dishes come out great.

I'm fucking thrilled when he clocks in.

When he clocks in at the swamp?

And for the record, I wasn't a bad dishwasher.

Marco was 48 years old,

buying beer for underage kids after work.

He had his own problems.

The fact that he was a better dishwasher than me

is an admission of his own weakness, not mine.

Jesus Christ, if only you could do your job

as well as you ran your fucking mouth!

My job?

You're using that college degree

to micromanage my ass in a strip mall.

I could have run your whole kitchen better.

You could have run my...

You're a fraud, Curtis!

A guy who tries and fails at everything.

Now wash the goddamn dish before I fire your ass!

[ Simmons grunts ]

In your dreams, Simmons.

You don't get to fire me this time

because I fucking quit.

You can shove that dish up your worthless ass.

[ Ghostly breath ]

Wait, wait, wait, S-Simmons?

Oh, no no no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

David: Curtissss...

[ Hand thuds ]

Oh god, David?

You quit, Curtis.

You surrendered.

Finally, my chains have been lifted!

[ Laughs ] I'm free!

Free to finally eat something other than fucking swamp water.

[ Laughs ]

No!

I wasn't actually quitting!

Let's go back to my tiny balls!

[ Kyle moaning ]

[ Giggles ] Kyle.

We're supposed to be... [moans]

...watching the gates to make sure no one goes in.

[ Water trickling ]

Mm, forget the gates, Lisa.

I'd rather watch you -- [ Grunts ]

[ Choking ]

[ Moans ] Oh, my god, stop it.

You know I can only kiss with my eyes closed.

Babe? [ Screams ]

[ Snaps ]

No!

Not Kyle and Lisa!

They were just getting serious.

[ Squelches ]

Ah! Ugh!

[ Grunting ]

No!

Ah!

[ Squelches ]

[ Groans ]

[ Body clatters ]

[ Curtis sighs ]

You should've stayed boobs.

Cherri: Back off, O'Dong.

The chonies stay on the pole.

Let me guess, Trent just batted his eyes

and you did his bidding.

I still don't know who that is.

It's just underwear, who cares?

You should.

You're supposed to be on Curtis' team.

Well, tell that to Curtis.

Guys!

Wow, perfect timing.

Oh, thank god, you're all alive.

Sir, are you alright?

It's David, she used her mist powers

to mess with my mind

and trick me into quitting my job.

She got Kyle and Lisa.

Aw, they were just getting serious.

Goddammit.

Wait, mist powers?

You didn't tell me the witch had mist powers.

Bro, she's dead. Doesn't matter.

[ Underwear flapping ]

Wait.

Is that my underwear?

How embarrassing.

Skidmarks, too.

David? But I killed you.

Goddammit, sir, she's a water witch.

She can regenerate!

Ahhh!

She's not real.

It's just the asparta-- [screams]

Matteo, no!

[ Gunshots ]

[ Laughing ]

Your tiny projectiles

pass through me like water,

which is kinda my whole thing!

Ugh! You should have told me, sir.

I brought hemlock bullets, mirrored bullets,

nightshade bullets. I brought all the wrong things.

Ah!

[ Gunshots ]

[ Shouts ]

Ah!

[ Grunts ]

[ Hisses ]

Been a long time since I've eaten a king.

[ Axe shings ]

Ah!

You want him, you gotta go through Janice.

[ Shrieks ]

And Cherri.

And Michael in accounting!

Wow, you guys are fighting a monster

instead of letting your boss die.

How profound.

[ Axe thuds ]

Pictured her face as an ass crack.

The student becomes the master.

Curtis: Get to the cabin!

Come on. Move, move, move.

Oh, hey! It's everyone.

Hey, should I go get my guitar?

All: No!

Read the room.

Barricade the doors and windows.

Use whatever you can find.

Here, use this.

What's a loose drawer gonna do?

Oh, so now we're barricade shaming?

[ Door creaks, body thuds ]

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my god, no no no!

[ Gasps ] Who is that?

"Who is that?" It's Trent!

All: It's Trent!

Cherri: You dipshit.

Curtis: Obviously Trent.

So this is the other hottest guy in the office?

Stop treating him like a piece of meat!

Sorry. Sorry.

[ Sighs ]

Is it, uh...

is it wrong to steal a dead man's underwear?

I've been naked for a very long time.

Trent would want you to have them, sir.

Plus, he famously has those incredible tearaway pants.

[ Sighs ]

[ Pants snap ]

Perfect fit.

[ Underwear snap ]

Bless you, Trent.

Okay, how do we chain her

murdering ass back to that swamp?

Fuck that. The van is out back.

Let's bail, pussies.

That's what she wants.

Water Witches feed on fear and shame.

To trap her,

we'll need a massive amount of vulnerability.

And copper.

Everyone, grab what you can find.

Ooh, it's a copper caper.

Oh, this again?

Ay, ya ya ya...

Here, this should help with the vulnerability.

Oh, is this like a burn book? Doubt it will do much.

"Curtis cries while watching RoboCop every morning",

no shame there.

"He pisses sitting down",

everyone should, no splashback.

"He calls spaghetti, 'pasghetti'",

obviously, it's cuter.

"His own Party doesn't want him for a second term --"

Banks! What the hell?

That happened this morning.

Wait, my underwear?

Yes, sir.

Jesus Christ, do you hate me?

No, I don't hate you. The opposite.

I thought you were gonna fire me

because you don't tell me anything.

[ Sighs ] That call with the Party shook me, okay?

I'm terrified of losing my job

and I thought if I told you I'm scared,

you'd lose faith in me.

That's great guys, but let's save the atoning

for trapping the witch.

Sign Cherri the fuck up.

Janice and Michael: Me too.

Wait, really?

Why are you surprised?

We already threw the axes at her.

As long as you're in the White House,

we got your back.

So let's go eat this bitch for dinner.

You guys are crazy!

I'm gonna get in that car and dri--

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Shouts ]

[ Splatters ]

Sandra!

To the swamp! Now!

Michael: But it says kitchen.

There's an exit, Michael!

[ David screeching in distance ]

[ Panting ] Ow, shit.

I'll give anyone $5,000 if they carry me.

[ Stomach rumbles ]

[ Squelching ]

O'Doyle: Here, sir, this should ground her.

It has swamp-activated filaments.

Your ab hole never ceases to amaze me, O'Doyle.

Thank you, sir.

Everyone.

No matter what happens, stay vulnerable.

And remember that Latin I taught you two seconds ago.

[ Hisses ]

[ Cherri gasps ]

So much weakness.

[ Growls ]

We're not afraid of you, David.

As long as you know I'm here,

you will always fear me!

Wait, is that why you made a deal with Roosevelt?

Because you're afraid of being forgotten?

I fear nothing!

[ Grunts, laughs ]

You are no king, Curtis.

You're right about that.

[ Shouts ] Now!

What? No!

[ Lifers chanting ] Nostra fragilitate, te alligamus.

[ Shouting ]

Nostra fragilitate, te alligamus.

Everyone, be vulnerable. Now!

I spiral out because I'm insecure about my self-worth!

[ Shouts ]

I mask my insecurity with arrogance.

Also, Marco was a better dishwasher than me.

What?

I was jealous of Trent!

I tried to shield you from The Lifers

to keep our world's apart.

No! Stop!

Stop owning your shit.

I leave mean reviews on my mother-in-law's Etsy shop.

And I use the C word a lot.

I once robbed a bank in a Nixon mask.

It was Nixon's idea, but still, not cool.

You didn't include me on either side of the story.

That hurt my feelings.

When I have to take really bad shits,

I use the women's bathroom because it's cleaner!

And I put out the wet floor sign

so people don't come in!

I abuse the public trust in janitorial equipment

so I can get out my bad diarrhea!

Michael, we fired so many janitors.

I know!

I'm the accountant, I see all the paperwork.

Aghh!

[ Thuds ]

Ah! Nooo!

Curtis: With the strength of my administration,

I bind you back to this land.

David: [ Straining ] Th-that's fine.

It's actually a bad look for you,

putting down a powerful female!

Uh huh, so now you're davidsplaining

that it's your idea to get trapped?

You'll be baaaack!

[ Ghostly sigh ]

Michael, we need to talk about your diarrhea.

Alright, everyone say "David".

All: David!

Great, got it. Whose phone is this?

Banks: Hey, Cherri.

Thanks for letting me spin out with you guys

but, uh, not sure I should be wearing this.

Oh, keep it. You probably don't have as much

job security as you think.

Alright, well... see you at the Happy Hours after work?

Ha, not if I see you first.

Okay, I think I made a friend.

Listen, cat's out of the bag, Susan.

I know you guys might not support me for re-election

and I don't care.

Susan: And how is this different?

Because I did care before,

I was just lying about it.

Look, the people elected

a guy who can't wash a dish

and that's what they're gonna get.

And until they vote me out,

I have a job to do.

Banks?

Yeah, hi Susan, chief dog here.

We work for the people, not The Party.

So you can expect a lot more

monster fighting from this end...

Oh. Okay.

So what is this, we talk to you now?

You talk to both of us.

Right.

Thanks for the update, Andre.

Nice work, Banks.

Did you hear her shaking in her boots?

"So we talk to you now?

I'm a stern old lady in a dark room." [ Laughs ]

I'm still on the line.

I dropped the phone while trying to hang up.

I'm guessing this is only gonna make you guys hate me more?

You guessed right.

Makes sense.

Fair is fair.

Are we all just staying on the line now

to catch if the other person says something?

Nerdsayswhat.

What?

Oooh!

Ah! Got ya!

Nerd! [ Laughs ]

Curtis: ♪ Mother nature acting natural ♪

♪ Then she attacks ♪

♪ Supernatural swampy lady ♪

♪ All up in my deepest fears ♪

♪ But I only ♪

♪ Fear that I'll die aloneee ♪

[ Bell tolls, Organ music plays ]

[ Clears throat ] Uh... I, um...

I don't know any of you, but uh...

I worked with your son.

Trent and I...

God, how do you describe us?

Uh, we didn't really know each other,

but we were obviously

the two hottest guys in the office.

We were the face alphas.

[ Sighs ] I squandered my time with him

over a petty competition that was mostly in my head.

But I came here to heal.

Because Trent showed me how to be hot inside too.

Thank you.

Thank you for the kind words.

You know, I have no clue what my son was talking about.

You can't possibly be the most annoying guy in the office.

That son of a--

Good girl, Boo Boo.

Did you get any of that?