Original subtitles

Curtis: They can't be that hard to find.

They're throwing stars but they're made of wood.

We're in an attic, sir. There's a lot of wood.

[ Device beeps ]

But, like, George Washington wood.

Cherry. Like his teeth and left nipple.

Sorry. His left what?

There were some things he could tell a lie about.

But he could also carve a throwing star more lethal

than most guns,

which is a perfect point to make at this seminar

for at-risk youth.

Do at-risk youth attend a lot of seminars?

Less problematizing, more robot- eyes'ing.

I thought I'd find you guys here...

because I surveilled you entering.

Are those hot wings?

For me, yes. You, no.

Excuse me?

I'm your boss and the goddamn president.

Executive order, bitch. Fucking Christ! O'Doyle!

These would kill you, sir.

[ Straining ]

My half-leprechaun stomach can digest molten metals.

My male brain can only hear that as a challenge!

I understand what you mean, but it doesn't apply to this.

It's actual poison.

Must...eat...

lethal...chicken.

[ Straining ]

Garbage. See?

It's garbage now.

[ Sighs ] That's true.

I can't eat out of the garbage.

That would be less alpha.

Whoa.

$15 million from Jefferson to Napoleon for...

Louisiana? Damn, Banks.

You found the receipt for the Louisiana Purchase?

People have been asking to see this for 200 years.

All French people, but still.

Wait, we bought Louisiana from France?

Oh!

I just now got the accent.

[ French accent ] Huh-huh-huh!

[ Normal voice ] So I didn't go to college.

Or grade school?

Is that where you learned to be mean?!

Not just Louisiana, O'Doyle.

It was the whole territory.

How big, Banks? Like half of America?

15 states.

Damn!

Those are state-sized states, too.

They may have invented sex,

but that's the day France got royally...

You almost sound proud of it.

I can't root for the home team?

You know what Jefferson said --

"Desperate times make for great deals."

What's this part down here?

Looks like Napoleon scribbled a little somethin'-somethin'.

"Oh, and one more thing --

You are forbidden from entering the cave

in the third Rocky Mountain."

It's initialed by Jefferson.

Third from the left? Third rockiest?

Third mountainest?

Good thing we'll never know.

It's forbidden.

[ Scoffs ]

So you root for the home team,

but you're okay being told by a foreign dictator

there's a part of your country you're not allowed in?

I'm not allowed in a lot of the country, Banks.

Pilot lounges. The actual horse part of the horse track.

Everyone's home.

My job is to leave the stuff that's working alone.

It's called respecting the legacy of --

[ Gasps ] George Washington's throwing stars!

Ooh! There's one for each original colony!

Delaware! Virginia! Rhode Island! Damn.

The only thing those youths are at risk of is losing their shit.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Device beeps ]

[ Notes play ]

What's up, guys? I'm Amil Bhattam.

And today we're getting to the bottom

of Lincoln's hat.

More specifically, the groundswell of support

to add a top hat to Lincoln's head on Mount Rushmore.

First up, we got Senator Hapkins,

primary sponsor of the 4-score bill,

as well as Martin Popple,

leader of the Hats Off movement.

Sarah, why exactly do you want to add

a 20-story granite hat to Lincoln's head?

Sarah: Well, it was Lincoln who once said,

"Give me a hat with such strength of brim,

the whole world can rest peacefully and dine."

Which is, of course, why we're adding

a rotating restaurant to the brim.

Martin: Oh-kayy. Sarah is clearly

just spouting Hatter propaganda.

Ha!

Oh, so we should pretend Lincoln didn't have a hat?

You're defacing a national monument

to sell hat merch and beard-shaped beignets!

Lincoln would hate you!

He would hate yo--

Another moment alone with my thoughts successfully avoided.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

Alright, Banks. Be on alert. Head on a swivel.

It's up to you, and only you,

to figure out what the French are hid--

Oh, come on, guys! What the fuck?

-Oh, hey, Banks. -Your stealth game is weak.

What the hell are you guys doing here?

I thought you wanted to leave this alone!

And I thought you'd listen to me, but, of course, you didn't.

O'Doyle saw you putting on the squirrel suit

in the locker room.

You ratted on me?!

We did a whole thing about that last week.

We resolved it.

Yeah, but I still owed you a rat-out.

Now we're even.

He's the one who keeps cutting the doughnuts

into pieces in the break room.

You dick! Back to not even!

O'Doyle!

Either eat it or don't.

Stop trying to turn a doughnut into a pizza.

Besides, Banks, look around.

There's nothing here

but etchings of shoulders and ankles.

It was probably just Napoleon's jerk-off cave.

Look out!

[ Laughs ]

C'est moi, Napoleon.

What in the hell?

I guess Napoleon was into One-Eyed Willy tech?

"It's me, Napoleon.

You thought you screwed us, but we screwed you.

You broke our agreement, so I am declaring Frontier Forfeit."

What's Frontier Forfeit?

"A well-known law

that allows the seller to reclaim their land

after a contract breach.

That's right, Jefferson.

I am taking back the Louisiana Territory.

And you can't stop me, because you'll be dead.

Syphilis bomb!"

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs loudly ]

Anti-syphilis pill? Anti-syphilis pill?

So Napoleon tried to kill Jefferson

and take back the territory?

Wow, the guy who conquered all of Europe

tried to reclaim land and kill a guy.

Move over, Watergate!

Should we destroy the evidence, sir?

What? No. That would actually make it feel like Watergate.

I don't know what that is.

Okay, big deal. So I didn't see one Kevin Costner movie.

You mean "Waterworld"?

Whatever. Let's bail.

And, O'Doyle, pack up one

of those ankle etchings for my, uh...

personal collection.

[ Record scratching ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Bell clangs ]

♪♪

[ Pigeons cooing ]

♪♪

[ Explosion ]

♪♪

[ Pigeon squawks ]

♪♪

[ Bell clanging ]

[ Thunder rumbling ]

[ Thunder crashes ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Commandant Dulac straining ]

♪♪

[ Straining continues ]

♪♪

[ Bell tolling ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ Speaking French ]

[ Guards gasp ]

[ Guards shouting in French ]

Sir, I know I can be an even better Secret Service agent

now that I'm a werewolf.

I've got the tech, I've got the drive.

We tried to make you a part of the team

and you ate a guy's leg!

But not his head!

That has to count for something!

[ Knock on door ]

Sir, I have Marc Luc de Bergeron on the line.

He's the head of France's Real Estate Acquisitions Department.

Real Estate Acquisitions?

[ Door closes ]

This is President Curtis.

What can I do for you, Marc Luc?

A great question, Mr. President. What can you do for us?

I just wanted to notify you that France is...

interested in American land.

In case we should need legal...documentation --

Sorry. Connection bad. What the hell?

"To legally initiate Frontier Forfeit,

a representative of the former seller

must notify the current landholder --"

Fucking English!

They know we broke the agreement!

Oh, God damn it!

Wait, Napoleon's dead.

How can he still have a claim to that land?

His penis.

Together: What?

According to 1800s Napoleonic Code,

all you needed to be a French citizen was a dick,

so technically, Napoleon's penis is Napoleon.

It was actually America's law, too,

until they realized women live longer than men

and, thus, pay more taxes.

-That tracks. -Wait, they can reclaim

the entire Louisiana Territory with his penis?

If they bring it to a U.S. court

and certify it as a citizen, yeah.

What the fuck, man?

The good news -- His penis is still in the wind.

It passed through black market art circles in New Orleans

a few years back, and no one has seen it since.

If it's in the shadows of Louisiana,

I know a guy who can find it.

Banks, get the chopper.

O'Doyle, get the cooler.

And, Chomps, don't even ask.

Sir. Let me be a werewolf for good.

Why? So you can eat my innocent legs next?

Hell no. You two, let's roll!

[ Door slams open ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

God, I'd hate to actually be able to see in here.

Shh!

[ Hisses ]

Vampire! Stand back!

I'm gonna eat you like the cattle you are.

I'll make you pray for sunrise, you bloodsucking bastard.

[ Both grunting ]

[ Both laugh ]

Well, we got 'em!

We got them so good!

What the hell?

[ Hissing ]

Don't worry, guys. This is Salem Montgomery.

These guys have helped every American president

since Washington.

Be honest.

Did you believe we were gonna fight?

He texted me to make sure we got it right.

He texted you about this?

Monty, we're in a hurry, so I'll cut to the chase.

We're looking for Napoleon's penis.

Black market deal, bought by a very wealthy collector.

Why do you want it?

None of your business, leech.

O'Doyle, don't be a dick. Just show him the stuff.

[ Vampires hiss ]

Elsie.

An off-grid atheistic sex cult died in a freak avalanche.

The snow preserved their blood at a perfect 28 degrees.

We're talking rare, nondenominational O-negative.

[ Hisses, moans ]

Half now, half after you help us secure the penis.

You've got yourself a deal, Andre.

Eat up, boys!

[ Vampires hiss, moan ]

So, they have straws in their teeth?

What?

I thought they drank blood with their mouths,

but they're like snakes with straw teeth?

I was more distracted by their weird orgasm noises, but yes.

Straw teeth.

Shoot me. Come on, dummy.

Bet you can't hit me.

You bet me?

With what money?

I bet you'll miss.

[ Explosion ]

Chomps: Dr. Finch?

Alan Chomps! Hey, how's the moon collar?

Eh, not great.

I ate a construction worker's legs.

No shit.

We were fighting these pod people

and the wolf in me just...

well, lost track of who was on our side.

Aw! Assertive Attack Mode.

My old nemesis.

See, when a werewolf senses danger,

its sole drive becomes protecting the pack,

innocent bystanders be damned.

Lie down, pal.

I just want to be a werewolf for good.

Hey, with Finch, you're gonna be a werewolf for great.

There's your penis, Mr. President --

inside the private collection of Armand Russo.

Napoleon's penis is in his Famous Organs Wing,

next to Tutankhamun's brain and Bette Davis' eyes.

Why are the lights off? Are we breaking in?

Oh, of course we are. Why am I asking?

Because you're a narc at heart, Banks.

Now hack in and bring down their security system.

What? Just have the vampires run in there fast.

Ugh, fine. Monty?

You up for a quick smash-and-grab?

Sorry, but we need to be invited in.

Oh, my God.

[ Rumbling ]

Who the hell is that?!

♪♪

Vive Napoleon! Au pénis!

She yelled "to the penis."

Thanks so much, Banks.

[ Yelling ]

Aaaahh!

[ Glass shattering ]

See? They don't have a problem breaking in!

They're working together!

What is this?

Get off my property --

Aghh!

Vive Napoleon!

You three, go get the penis!

Monty and I will hold them off!

But, sir, she's a hemogoblin!

I can hear you, dick!

Just do it!

Elsie, do you want to come inside? Let's go.

[ Alarm blaring ]

There it is!

Huh-huh! Vive Napoleon!

[ Hisses ]

Ha! [ Grunts ]

Aah!

Guard: Allez!

Ha ha ha ha. Huh-huh-huh-huh.

[ Hisses ]

Elsie! Damn, girl.

I got it! I got the penis!

Correction --

J'ai le pénis.

[ Gasps, clears throat ]

[ Screams ]

Mauvaise conception! Mauvaise conception!

[ Guard screams ]

Pretty quick reflexes for a piece of shit.

[ Yelling ]

L'Amérique va plier le genou!

I don't speak French, but I assume you're saying

I have a small dick!

Aah!

[ Screaming ]

We got it! We got the penis!

It's over. The penis is ours.

And so is the damn territory.

Tie her up, O'Doyle.

And, Monty, classy, as always.

Really earned the payment this time.

Indeed, we have.

[ Vampires hissing ]

What's that hiss?

That's the only language you Americans speak --

laser dots and money!

The hell are you talking about?

Jefferson promised us free reign in Louisiana

if we helped him secure the territory.

And then he Zuckerberg'd us!

Split the land into states

and squished Louisiana down into this goddamn boot!

We can't even leave without being invited in

to other states.

Thankfully, Commandant Dulac made us a better deal.

Un plaisir, Montgomery.

Oh, this is great.

They're also working with the French?!

We help get this penis certified in court,

and they'll give us free reign

when Louisiana reverts back to full size.

We'll eat the tourists like cattle

and we can finally see Nebraska!

Monty, I was counting on you!

Desperate times make for great deals.

Ugh.

[ Smooches ]

À la victoire!

Ha ha!

♪♪

Dishonest moon-tanning sluts!

That is the last time I text a vampire.

You're right about that.

[ Vampires hissing ]

Before you say anything, I had no idea about the double cross.

Those guys don't tell me shit.

Oh, good. The vampire who's not in the group chat.

Lucky us.

Dr. Finch: Alright. That should do it.

I modified your collar with a short-range Innocence Detector.

What's that?

It's kinda right there in the name, but okay.

If you try to attack an innocent being,

the collar will auto-flush with this werewolf suppressant.

And fun bonus -- It's chicken-and-rice-flavored.

[ Cellphone buzzes ]

Hold on, I'm getting a call.

It's probably my wife, Nina. Oh, scratch that.

Second best. It's the president.

Go for Chomps.

Curtis: The French got the penis and vampires betrayed us.

What?!

Jefferson screwed us. It's a whole thing.

America needs you to be a werewolf for good.

I will not let you down, sir.

Great! Because we're pretty fucked.

Banks, do you have a hairpin and three pennies?

[ Gulps ]

What the hell are you doing?

Curtis: His leprechaun stomach is like a furnace or something!

It can digest metal and make cool shit.

[ Stomach gurgling ]

[ Straining ]

Mm...

Brass alloy.

So I can make wood-tipped bullets for your friends.

Is he always this weird?

Usually.

You betrayed your own people.

To save your ungrateful ass.

Twice, by the way.

Saved your ass twice, but who's counting?

You, obviously.

Listen, if they can throw away loyalties

that easily, they aren't my people.

[ Sighs ]

I appreciate...

saving...

Just give me the blood.

Please take it.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Electricity buzzing ]

Hey. Can I help you guys?

Please, invite us in.

Do you want to come in?

It doesn't work like that.

You need to invite us in so we can see the judge.

You -- You want the judge to invite you in?

I mean, sure.

Why would he come out here?

That's weird.

You're the one who pitched it.

Look, we just need the judge to slam down his gavel

and declare this penis a citizen capable of owning land.

Yep, the gavel slam can do that.

Sorry. Did you want me to do something?

I'm still confused.

[ Hisses ]

I think you'll find clarity on your neck.

H-How am I supposed to look at my own neck?

Huh. Hang on. No clarity yet.

Alright, ya meat-muncher.

You are good to go.

Ooh, a scratching post!

Oh, also, Dribble has this show

that just streams raw meat.

Go nuts, big boy.

[ Howling ]

[ Knocking ]

[ Helicopter blades whirring ]

Oh, man. Why did you kill the guard?

He brought me outside. I thought that's what you wanted.

[ Helicopter approaching ]

Oh, God, who is that?

People with even less patience than us.

Ha!

Okay, okay. Geez.

Just give me the subject in question!

Uh, right.

The court hereby declares this penis a citizen,

fully capable of holding land.

In accordance with outdoor judge rules,

I simply need to bang down this gavel

on the hood of a car.

[ Gunshot ]

Aah!

Gavel's down.

Alright, everyone! Move, move, move!

Aim for their hearts!

[ Vampires screaming ]

God damn it.

Protéger le pénis!

Okay, definitely bringing these to the seminar.

See? It's motivational.

[ Vampires screaming ]

Ha! Ha ha!

Uhh!

[ Hisses ]

Ah-aah-aah! Aah-aah!

[ Screaming ]

Ha! [ Grunts ]

Tony: Well, well, well.

Fuck off, Tony. You think I'm scared?

You can't turn me and you can't bite me.

Oh, but I can do a little stakey-stakey.

[ Vampires screaming ]

Perks of being on my good side.

Dr. Finch: Oh, man! Someone cut them all up into pieces.

And you know their fingers touched it.

Michael in Accounting! Whatchu watchin', bro-ham?

I'll tell you what I'm not watching --

ads!

Ever since I upgraded to Dribble Pro.

No ads, no problems.

Ruh-oh.

Uh, why'd you just say "ruh-oh"?

Because I put on a show with raw meat for a werewolf

and it might play ads.

Ruh-oh.

Man on TV: Is your puppy cold in the snow?

Try Puppy Pals' Paw Booties.

Because innocent paws deserve to be pampered.

[ Collar beeping ]

[ Growls ]

Oh, oh, oh! Oh, gee.

Oh, oh, man! Whoa!

Frappez votre marteau de juge sur le capot de la voiture.

Idiot! He can't slam his gavel on that.

Huh?

It needs to be on a car.

Outdoor judge rules.

[ Gasps ]

Espèce d'enfoiré, tu l'as cassé!

What are you gonna do, Monty? Huh?

Turn me into a vampire?

Yeah, you wish.

You'd be the lamest, tackiest vampire...

sparkling in the sun-level shit.

I'd be cringing.

Oh, but these guys are cool?

If this is the crew

you chose to turn, yikes.

You couldn't pull off the frilly shirts and you know it!

You have no idea what I could pull off.

Why are you smiling?

Release the wolf.

[ Chomps screaming ]

Jesus Christ.

Was that supposed to be a demonstration

of how ruthless you are?

Yes. Did it work?

Montgomery: See? This is exactly why you'd suck

at being a vampire.

Of all the presidents I've seen,

you have to be the worst!

Coming from your lying, cheating, Anne Rice-looking ass,

I take that as a compliment.

I'd rather eat turds than be like you.

I'll show you turds!

[ Yells ]

[ Groans ]

Put a cross into a crossbow.

Thankfully there was a church right here.

I'm surprised you didn't use that element more in the fight.

Chomps, holy shit! You survived!

Well, I did actually die, but I focused

my werewolf regeneration into my arm bones.

[ Rooster crows ]

[ Sighs ]

If you two are ever in New Orleans again,

drop me a line.

I'll be alive... kinda forever.

And, uh, if you ever want to see D.C...

you're invited in.

To every part that isn't the White House.

Or my townhouse. Or Banks' apartment.

Actually, maybe just call first.

See you when I see you.

Non. [ Gasps ]

[ Sobs ]

Non. Napoleon.

Hey. I, uh -- I think that's how

he would've wanted to go out...

torn and trampled on the battlefield.

Also, all of you are under arrest

and banned from this country forever.

Julia, get me the files on that new Marseille real estate deal.

[ Telephone rings ]

This is Marc Luc de Burgeron.

Curtis: Hey. It's President Curtis.

Just wanted to let you know, your interest in American land

has been noted and rejected.

But there is still a piece of American land France can have.

Yeah?

Yeah.

My ass. You can eat it.

[ Scoffs ] As long as my people are cooking,

your ass will be a culinary treat.

Yeah, right. My ass is 10 times tougher

than anything you've ever eaten.

Well, I intend to soak it in butter.

That'll just make it slippery.

And you can't slip your way out of a mouth full of me.

Ooh-kay, sir!

Selling past the close!

There he is! The man of the hour.

How you feeling, Chomps?

Well, I mean, I died, so I'm in that club now.

It's an adjustment for all of us, Chomps.

-Post-battle hot wing, anyone? -You sure?

I thought we couldn't handle them.

Well, sir, today I learned it's wrong

to make assumptions about people.

So I made enough wings for everyone.

Yes!

Hell yeah!

Janice: Alrighty.

[ Spits ]

Oh, my God. These are terrible.

Yeah, maybe stop trying to make the wings a symbol

of how far you've come and just add less cayenne.

[ Laughter ]

I have a heavy pour.

[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ] There goes my GERD.

[ Laughter ]

Janice: Oh, we have fun!

♪ How much for Louisiana? ♪

♪ Just name your price ♪

♪ Vampires tryin' to be invited ♪

♪ Stole a penis from a jar ♪

♪ Voulez Voo Doo ♪

♪ Je m'appelle soapy balls ♪

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

[ Cellphone whooshes ]

[ Cellphone whooshes ]

[ Cellphone whooshes ]

♪♪

[ Cellphone whooshes ]

♪♪

[ Cellphone whooshes ]

[ Cellphone whooshes ]

[ Cellphone whooshes ]

[ Cellphone whooshes ]