Original subtitles

Welcome to the office.

A lot of graffitis here at the Public Lass

and people have been saying a lot of mean things

about Barbara since she became the new boss lady

so I thought that I would come down here

and write something nice, so check it out.

I heart the Pubic Lass

our amazing sponsor.

Oh, don't look at that, no.

This, this is actually...

This is really bad, we're about to get rid of this because,

this is actually like--

Boris, what're you... Oh, my God, Boris!

I told you, you can't be writing defamatory shit

about my boss on the wall!

I did not write this, I wrote this amazing piece down here,

which is actually a huge compliment

and also you know that this is not true.

Isn't it, a little bit?

Would a professional gay hater

be having sex with me in her car?

I don't know, maybe.

I think I know what we've got to do.

You have to show the secret footage.

No, no, no.

We're going to show it, because it's going to prove

that this slur, this is slur, right? Slur?

Well, it's debatable, but I--

We're going to prove that this slur, not true.

Don't you think we should show it?

You know what, I don't know if the footage

is going to prove what you think it's going to prove,

but it's going to prove something.

I'm here for a good time, so, roll the tape.

- High-five. - Oh.

Touched the urinal with that hand.

Let's show our amazing sponsor,

the Public Lass Bar and Grill,

that we are a team worth paying for!

Yeah, listen, about that.

You had an announcement for us--

And now we have one for you, okay.

Joanne, bad news. Crystal sold the bar.

Yeah, some dumb-ass corporation bought it

like three months ago.

Sold the bar, what does that mean?

Here you go, Honey.

It means we don't have a sponsor anymore.

So, the league won't let us play without a sponsor.

Can you imagine trying to find a new sponsor in this economy?

In 2016

I would've had corporations fighting

to sponsor my gay team,

but, uh, I don't know,

my bank is looking pretty straight this Pride Month.

Anyways, welcome to the Public Lass.

Let's go get our girl back!

- Joanne, wait. - How'd you get here?

I ran. And the rest of the team is coming too,

but I'm way faster, because I had to stop you.

Stop me from what? Saving this season?

From getting me fired.

My new boss, she already hates me,

and if she sees you looking all crazy,

coming in here with your blazer,

asking her to pay money for some loser baseball team,

I mean, she's going to make it my fault.

- Why does she hate you? - Because she's a prude.

And she thought it was unprofessional

that I put my number on a married couple's bill.

What's next, I can't have sex in the walk-in fridge?

Look, just let me talk to her, let me meet her.

There's no way that that lady

would sponsor a queer beer league team,

she's all like, "God, I love my husband, I'm conservative."

Come on, I'm charming.

I really need a win.

Fine.

Okay, but you are not allowed to charge me rent

if she fires me, okay?

She's probably in the kitchen.

Okay, don't look the line cooks in the eye.

Listen up, you little fruitcake!

You were too busy swiping for a Grindr Daddy

to take you to a play party, or whatever the hell it is

you homos do, to make sure that my Uncle Dino doesn't die

over a plate of Cheesy McLass Spinach Dip!

You clean that up, you little twink!

Hey, Barb.

Shit.

Making it official here at the Public Lass,

I, Barb Barberetti, an ally,

am thrilled to be continuing the time-honoured tradition

of sponsoring Coach Joanne's

queer baseball team,

the gay and lesbian Brovaries!

Uh, we're actually a slo-pitch team, so--

So that's great, I think we're done here, right?

We're good? Okay, so, uh, yeah.

If you guys want to head out, you can feel free

to grab a couple of those haggis-penos poppers,

take as much as you want,

I gotta move a lot of haggis, to be honest.

Joanne, can I have a word, please? Thank you. 'Kay?

We're going to get a few things straight.

I am running for city councillor,

and that means that my image needs to be spotless.

I'll sponsor a little lady baseball team,

but that means you are going to

have to live up to the Barberetti brand.

We're very brand-friendly.

No swearing, no drinking, no uncouth behaviour.

No drinking?

Is that going to be a problem?

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!

No, not a problem at all, actually.

The team's not really big on beer, so.

Alright, so, my voting base? Family values.

It's dads who are on Facebook too much, you know?

That kind of thing.

Also, this sponsorship, it's conditional.

Conditional on?

Your discretion with the, uh,

little incident that happened earlier.

You're going to have to talk to your crew.

Absolutely. Yeah. The footage never happened.

Alright. - Yeah.

- Thank you? - You just...

I'm a busy woman, you know what I mean,

I got a lot going on, don't have time

for little handy-shakey bye-byes. None of that.

Joanne!

Did you do it?

Barb agreed? - Yeah.

That woman is a psychopath, Joanne.

Do you know something that I don't know?

Not here, come on.

Come on.

You're in the circle of trust now.

This? Off the record. Come.

Hiyah.

Welcome to the scene of the crime.

Allow Boris to paint you a picture.

Three Wednesdays ago, I was cutting the grass

at the church that I sometimes cut the grass for, for money.

And on the lawn, there is a lady.

She's giving a speech. - And was the lady Barb?

Yes, that lady is Barbara, as she is known to me.

My muscles are rippling

as they often do when I give the lawn shaver a nice heave-ho.

And then, the next thing I know, this lady is coming over to me

and she is saying, "Oh, would you like to go for a drive?"

- No, she didn't. - Yes, she did.

Let her finish the story.

So then, we park behind the Taco Bell

and we start having sex,

and it is very nice, like top five sex.

So I say to her, "Maybe next time,

before we have sexual relations in the back of your car,

we could have a hot dog together."

Then, boom. She freaks out.

From there, it got even worse.

I'm running, I'm running, I'm running for my life.

My underwear is falling off, and then I go, "Boom!"

Parkour into a hiding spot.

I'm sorry, Boris, I don't buy it.

Well, okay, well then, how do you explain this, huh?

Campaign pin

that she threw at my ass.

I still have the open wound on my butt,

which I will show you now.

No! No, no, no. We believe you.

Thank you. It's very serious.

I'm very sorry, but Joanne, if she is our sponsor,

then I cannot be playing.

What?

I'm sorry, I'm not going to do it.

It's me or her, Joanne. You made a huge mistake.

How about a little gratitude?

I found us a team sponsor! I saved the team!

And, yeah, we're going to follow her stupid rules

of no swearing and no drinking.

No drinking?

No drinking! Yeah!

Now, if you excuse me,

I have to go bribe a producer into deleting some footage.

There goes the summer.

Boris, you can't just not play, we need you.

This is unbelievable.

Sasha,

are you still an expert at applying disguise hair?

Extensions? Yeah.

And Lee, you're a teenager,

so you're an expert at hiding secret beer.

I am.

Hm. Okay, I have a plan. Come with me.

We will discuss it over here. Yes.

I can't believe that we're getting

all these beers for free.

They're not free, we're stealing them.

- What? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we gotta move fast, because if Barb finds out

she'll kill me.

Yeah, Barb, fuck.

Sasha says that she's got the great disguise

she's going to put me in.

Barb's never going to recognize me during the game.

Great. And then, what are we going to do with the beer?

This, we are going to hide

in a super sneaky hiding spot

that Joanne is never going to find.

I found Boris' secret beer stash.

And I'm hiding it behind the scoreboard

because they never look there,

because they don't care about winning games.

But they're going to learn.

Game one, folks.

Okay, we've got a lot of good things going for us.

I know we're short a player,

but we're going to figure that out today--

Joanne! Where is the secret beer?

She hid the beer, the beer is gone.

- What? - No!

Boris, what the hell are you wearing?

My question first. Beer. Where?

I hid it, okay? Today is a sober game.

Fine! Then I will find it, because I did not let Sasha

put all of this itchy public hair on my face for no beer.

It's not public hair,

it's just the scruff from my sister's dog.

Is that supposed to be a disguise?

Yeah! It's amazing.

Today, I am B-FED.

He's a skateboarder mechanic. And he drinks beer!

Barb is never going to buy this.

- Yes, she will. - She won't! She's very--

Wow! Okay.

Hey! Hey, Barb!

So, is this what it feels like to own a sports team?

Alright. Good.

Alright, well, let's see, let's get a look at you.

Okay. So. Alright, yeah.

Okay. Yeah, I like it.

So, these jerseys look expensive.

Just so you know, you'll be paying for those, Joanne,

they're not in the...

Well...

I like the cut of your jib, young man.

'Sup.

Okay. Alright, good.

So, today you are representing

the Barberetti Food Conglomerate.

So, the speech is,

God bless,

go forth, don't embarrass me.

Play ball.

You got it.

Funny little...

Okay, great, good. Yep.

We're going to make you proud out there, alright?

Proud as pie.

I'm the owner! It's all mine!

Okay. She bought it!

Yeah, I told you she would. Amazing disguise.

No. No beer! No beer, guys. Just slo pitch today.

Alright? Let's go.

Fine. Sure.

Hup to it!

But she bought it, you look hot.

Yeah, I know.

Alright, maggots. And that means you, too, subs.

I didn't know you were gonna go all Full Metal Jacket on us.

Aye, aye, aye! Beer's not in my Subaru.

Focus, Boris.

Everybody, on the bench!

We'd probably be in a better mood with a case of beer.

- Oh, no. - Hey, Ann!

Your team still as shit as you are in bed?

Mississauga Red Jox. Serious team rivals.

Five-time league champions, featuring three of my exes.

I hear they're even worse

than the smell of her basement apartment.

Hey, that's my basement.

Hey Ann. I sent you a song I wrote for you,

it's called Half a Tank and a Hole

Where Ann Used To Be.

It's country, your favourite.

We should've brought more disguises.

Yeah.

Beauty. Beauty, gone.

Jesus Christ, is that their pitcher?

You know this is slo pitch, right?

Emphasis on the word slow.

Why, are you scared because we've got

the best female pitcher in the world?

Ayami Sato. Ever heard of her?

- You can't pitch overhand! - Yeah, yeah, we know.

Just showing you the big guns.

Now, quit stalling, let's start the game.

There we go.

Try to hit it.

- Second! - B-FED, you're up!

Where the hell is B-FED?

Excuse me! Have you seen any beer?

Bend your knees, Ann.

Can't hit without a buzz, Joanne.

It's okay. Chin up, chin up. You got this.

It's not that difficult, you have a whole bat!

- Alright, Lee, you're up. - Joanne, I need beer.

Beer? You're barely 19,

you don't even need exercise, come on.

No beer. Where the hell is everybody?

We are closing in.

It's in here. I can smell it.

Where the hell is the beer?

You guys got some beer?

Excuse me, have you seen the blue barrel?

About this big, it's got beer and it

says "Boris's secret stash?" Fuck!

I don't like losing, Joanne!

Fuck off.

God, where is everyone?

Timeout! Can you call timeout? I don't know.

Who's the lady?

She's new. Just keep playing.

Sasha, you're up.

I own this fucking team, I can say what I want.

Hey. Hey, yeah, I know we're losing,

we just need one more inning and we'll turn it around.

Yeah, sure, whatever. Listen, I've been thinking,

the name, the Brovaries, it's bad.

I'm thinking, the Barberettis.

The Barberettis?

Yeah. Want to honour my Nonna, you know?

Legacy, family... Oh, my God!

Beer!

Beer!

Is that beer?

When they set their minds to something,

there is no stopping them.

Okay, you need to go deal with that right now.

Barb, this team, my team,

we drink beer.

A lot of beer.

And if you have a problem with that--

Oh, I do! Consider your little sponsorship revoked!

Re-voked!

God, I can't believe I agreed to this team.

I'm never going to hear the end of this from father!

Get out of my way!

- It's so warm. - It doesn't matter.

This is my one day a week I get to let loose.

I can only be PhD Zari for so long. Do not judge me!

Uh-uh. No one's judging.

Oh, shit. Guys.

Sorry, Joanne.

No, I'm sorry.

What the hell was I thinking, asking you guys not to drink?

Not to be exactly who you are?

Screw Barb.

We're going to figure this out our way.

Take those championships!

Okay, are you guys forfeiting, or what?

- No! - No!

We're going to kick your a--

Alright, come on, Red Jox,

tight D now, tight D, tight D.

Alright, motherfucker.

Go one, go one.

Hey, Parker. You suck.

Your mom sucks, you suck at fucking,

you suck at slo pitch, did I say your mom sucks?

Oh, are you going to cry? You suck at crying.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Coming home, coming home, coming home.

Yeah!

You guys know you lost, right?

Yeah, whatever.

Joanne!

I thought you left?

Yeah, well, I came back to tell you something.

You know that if you cross a Barberetti...

Is that... Boris?

Hello.

I tried to find you, I looked,

and I looked, but I didn't know how!

What? No, you chased me away with your car!

Yes, well, but...

Yes.

You know what, I, I will,

uh, sponsor the team.

I don't believe in second chances for criminals,

not one bit, but I do believe in them

for the less fortunate.

Yeah, like you are. The less fortunate, so.

Okay. But we drink beer, and we're not changing out name.

Yeah, sure. LGBTQ, I don't... They vote. You know?

It's great, whatever.

And you are not LGBT, gay?

Gay? Me?

I don't think so!

Not that, not that there's anything wrong with that.

I'm basically the world's biggest ally

for that whole group.

Which are different.

Probably the biggest ally in the nation,

including the U.S. and Mexico.

Good.

So. Joanne, my office on Monday,

we're going to talk strategy.

See you there.

So, good. And you guys, be yourselves, but not too much,

because it's annoying if you overdo it. Okay. Good.

See you Monday.

Fuck, I don't know, man.

I don't know if she wants to fuck me or kill me.

And she wants to sponsor the Brovaries!

Yes, we got a sponsor!

Who wants to be B-FED?

Try it on!

She's not going to run you down with a car anymore.

I know, honestly, you guys, I think that she like,

might be in love with me.

And so now it's my sworn duty

to help her out of the wardrobe.

Closet.

What?

- Ah! Ah, nothing. - Did she text you?

No, not the ex.

Joanne, I told you to block her weeks ago.

Oh, my God, read it out loud so we can all judge it, come on.

Okay. "Hey, I don't want this to be weird,

but I joined the Tech-ass Rangers. Hope that's okay.

See you on the field. Waterslide emoji."

What, no! Waterslide emoji is psychotic.

Like, hold on.

So, she just broke up with you

and then goes and joins another team in the league?

And we play that team next game.

Don't worry, Joanne, we're going to win that game,

just like we did today. - Zari, we lost today!

Oh, yeah. Well, we're going to win the next one!

- Yeah. And the next one. - Yeah.

We are going to win you this whole break-up.

Thank you, guys!

Thank you.

To winning the break-up!

Aye!

Hey! I'm here with a little surprise for Barbara,

I heard she was working late.

I don't want her to feel, you know, bad

about the whole Grindr Daddies incident.

I don't want her to think that, like,

we're trying to blackmail her into sponsoring our team

or something, so. I brought her this.

Is that Boris?

Do you hear that?

Awesome! And, okay, so.

Number one, top of Boris' big Boris list.

Cameron Diaz...

Uh, Barb?

Get out of here! We're closed!

We're closed. Get out.

For you. Okay. Bye.

Delete that footage. Delete it or I swear--

♪ If you are a good person ♪

♪ Then you are doing justice ♪

Oh, good, it's you. Come on in.

Julian Assange-ing. Whistleblowing. You know?

- No. - Yes!

No, no, no, no.

No, Annie, I have to do it!

Oh, my God, what did I tell you?

You can't write shit like this on the wall.

I know, but I had to, because--

If! You're not going to leave a review.

- Oh, you're funny. - Mm-hmm.

Well...

Five stars.

The truth will set you free.

♪ 'Cause I'm ready willing and able ♪

♪ Yes, I'm ready willing and able ♪

♪ Over to the jukebox I staggered ♪

♪ For a love song to scatter my body before her ♪

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