Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Good news, everyone.

The university is bringing me up on disciplinary charges.

Wait. That's not good news at all.

Whatever you did, Professor, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.

Yes, but they won't listen.

Everyone's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain,

but when you put it in the body of a great white shark,

ooh, suddenly, you've gone too far.

Professor Farnsworth.

Do you know why we've called you here today?

Listen to me, you pompous frauds.

If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me.

Dean Vernon, I know the truth.

It was you driving your hover car that night, not your horse.

Dean Epsilon, I know all about your Department of Pool Boy Studies.

And Dr. Wornstrum...

Wornstrum...

Actually, Professor, we merely called you here to say...

Surprise!

-Happy birthday! -Surprise! Happy birthday!

HERMES: Surprise!

And you, Coach Smalley,

or should I say, "Coach Hairpiece?"

No, Professor. It's a surprise party

for your 150th birthday.

What? Oh!

-Good evening. I'm... -(MIC FEEDBACK)

Whoa. Sorry.

I'm Bender, and I'll be emceeing this roast.

You know, they say you can judge a man by the company he keeps.

So here's the professor's oldest friend, a grotesque, stinking lobster.

(APPLAUSE)

Good evening, ladies and germs.

(DRUMS BEATING)

That wasn't a joke.

I was talking to Dean Streptococcus.

Now, I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old,

but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon.

Hey, Ringo, that was the joke.

(GROANS)

It's Showtime at the Apollo all over again.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Where would a professor be without students who love and respect him?

Right there! (LAUGHING)

But, seriously, of all the former crew members of the professor's delivery ship

our next speaker is by far the most alive.

Captain Musky?

-(BEEPS) -(DRUMS BEATING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

-(WHOOPING) -(APPLAUSE)

I wouldn't want to follow that guy.

(LAUGHING)

And now a man who needs no introduction.

(GUESTS MURMURING)

-Fry! Get up there! -Hmm?

-(APPLAUSE) -(CLEARS THROAT)

Thank you.

You know, when I was first asked to make a film

about my nephew, Professor Farnsworth...

I thought, "Why should I?"

Then later, Leela made the film,

but if I had made the film,

you can bet there would have been more topless women on motorcycles.

Roll film.

(WARBLING)

LEELA: (ON FILM) Hubert J Farnsworth was born April 9, 2851,

in New New York's nerdiest slum, Hell's Laboratory.

A precocious child, young Hubert learned to read

while he was still in diapers, at age eight,

and before long, he blossomed into a greasy teenager.

Dork alert!

LEELA: After 14 years of graduate school,

Farnsworth settled into the glamorous life of a scientist.

Fast cars. trendy nightspots, beautiful women,

the professor designed them all working out of his tiny one-room apartment.

For 50 years, he worked at Mom's Friendly Robot Company

where he created the first robot capable of qualifying for a boat loan.

And now, even as he nears his 150th birthday,

the professor retains the fiery passion of youth.

Listen to me, you pompous frauds!

If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me.

-(WARBLING) -(APPLAUSE)

How about a few words, Professor?

(STAMMERING)

I said "words."

(APPLAUSE)

Uh...

What a pleasure it is to see my lifetime of accomplishment

summed up in a three-minute film.

My best years are behind me,

so much left undone, so little time.

(APPLAUDING)

Funny, funny stuff.

My life is over.

No, it isn't.

You have another 10 years left.

Leela, he could live another 100 years.

No, he couldn't.

When you turn 160,

robots from the Sunset Squad take you to a mysterious planet,

and you never return.

Wow. A whole planet of old people. Where is it?

Nobody knows.

So many loves half-loved, so many inventions half-invented.

That damn time machine alone set me back 15 years.

-(ELECTRICITY BUZZING) -If only it had worked,

you could go back and not waste your time on it.

There's no one to carry on after I'm gone,

no one to take over my work and my research and my fabulous fortune.

(GASPS) By God, that's it!

I've got to name a successor.

A successor?

A successor to the professor?

There's no time to lose.

I'm off to my lab to build a successor-naming machine.

Man, the professor's been in his lab for days.

I hope he didn't die.

unless he left a note naming me his successor.

Then I hope he did die.

You the successor? Over my empty shell.

The professor will pick me. Only I have his lobster-like tenacity.

Up yours, Zoidberg.

Up wherever your species traditionally crams things.

The only sensible way to pick a successor is with a limbo contest.

-What? -Kingston rules.

Two men go down, one come up.

Look, the professor trusts me with a giant spaceship.

He wouldn't trust the rest of you with his dentures.

(MUFFLED) Yes, he would.

Sorry, everyone, but need I remind you?

Blood is thicker than water.

"Blood, thicker, water."

Everyone, I have a very dramatic announcement.

So anyone with a weak heart should leave now.

Goodbye.

Uh, Professor?

Oh, yes, the announcement.

As you all know, I am not long for this world.

-Yes, we do. -True that.

-Yeah, I know. -One foot in the grave.

So I've picked my successor.

It's someone in whom I have great faith,

even though his mind is undeveloped and he's accomplished nothing.

(CHUCKLES CUNNINGLY)

-My closest living relative... -Oh, yeah.

...my clone, Cubert Farnsworth.

(GASPS)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(ALL GASPING)

He's horrible!

Crud. Can I at least be in charge of your dentures?

(MUFFLED) You wish.

Where did Cubert come from?

Twelve years ago, I began the cloning process

by removing some skin cells

from one of the shapelier growths on my back.

Wait. If he's your clone, why doesn't his nose look like yours?

I left him in his first tube too long, and he got squished up against the side.

Is he dumb or just ugly?

Let's find out.

-(BEEPS) -(BUBBLING)

(SPUTTERS, COUGHS)

What, you've never seen a genius's wiener before?

ALL: No. Never. FRY: Well, once in the park.

(GROANS)

Mmm...

As long as I'm going to be in charge here, let me examine my so-called crew.

If it can so be called.

First of all, Dr Zoidberg, do you even have a medical degree?

I lost it in a volcano.

And why do we need a bending robot around here anyway?

What possible use do we have for you?

Uh... Me no speaka the English.

And why does our space pilot have only one eye?

There's someone I'd like you to meet.

His name is depth perception. (CHUCKLES)

Why, you little...

Wow! That hurt. The air.

Him pending para un bending.

Oh, Cubert, come in here.

I have something amazing to show you.

What is it? A competent employee?

I doubt that very much. (CHORTLES)

Little twerp.

Ay, Chihuahua!

Cubert, as my successor, I'm trusting you to carry on my work.

These are just some of the half-finished inventions

you'll spend your life finishing.

I didn't realize you were the inventor of the junk heap.

That's my prize-winning smell-a-scope.

If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won't be out of the loop.

And this is my universal translator.

Unfortunately, so far, it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language.

-Hello. -Bonjour.

Crazy gibberish.

Don't you have any worthwhile inventions?

Why, certainly. Step over here.

These are the dark-matter engines I invented.

They allow my starship to travel between galaxies in mere hours.

That's impossible. You can't go faster than the speed of light.

Of course not.

That's why scientists increased the speed of light in 2208.

Also impossible.

And what makes my engines truly remarkable is the afterburner,

which delivers 200% fuel efficiency.

That's especially impossible.

Not at all. It's very simple.

Then explain it.

Now, that's impossible.

It came to me in a dream, and I forgot it in another dream.

Your explanations are pure weapons-grade bologna-ium.

It's all impossible.

Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it.

That's what being a scientist is all about.

No, that's what being a magical elf is all about.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

It's Elzar, the TV chef!

Oh, kill me now, people.

How we doin' here?

Oh, Elzar! Everything's so good.

What are you, an ass-kissing machine?

Yes, sir. Good one, sir.

Oh, it's a gem of an evening.

I feel so wonderful having someone to take over my life's work,

and it's all thanks to Cubert.

Look, Professor, I may be identical to you in every possible way,

but that doesn't mean I'm anything like you.

-Yeah, well... What? -I don't want to be an inventor.

I want to be something useful,

like a teacher's aide or a prison guard or a science fiction cartoon writer.

But what about my hopes and my dreams and my wonderful inventions?

In your entire life, your only half-decent invention was me,

and I didn't turn out like you wanted either.

(SNIFFLES)

You folks still doing all right?

Oh, yes, Elzar.

Good. 'cause it turns out I forgot to cook that chicken.

Bad news, everyone.

By the time you watch this tape, I'll be gone,

leaving behind nothing but a history of failure and my original hip bones.

You see, I've been lying about my age.

I'm not actually 150.

I'm 160.

Oh, Vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth.

and now that I have nothing to live for,

I've alerted the Sunset Squad robots to take me away.

(GASPS)

Goodbye, cruel world.

Goodbye, cruel lamp.

Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes

lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin

-and the cute little... -(GROANS)

...pom-pom curtain pull-cords.

Cruel though they may be, I...

(FARNSWORTH GROANS)

FARNSWORTH: (ON RECORDING) ...and now that I havenothing to live for,

I've alerted the Sunset Squad robots to take me away.

(ALL GASPING)

HERMES: Oh, no!

I know you're all very upset,

especially Bender.

Well, life goes on.

Except for you. (LAUGHING)

I'm sure Bender has just made a cutting remark,

but he doesn't know I taped over his soap operas to record this message.

You bastard!

We've got to get him back.

Impossible.

No one knows where they take those old geezers.

Nothing is impossible.

You'd know that if you really took after the professor, like I do.

You're his uncle, dummy.

He takes after you.

Yeah, what?

(GASPS) Wait a second. That means I also take after you. Ahhh!

Quiet. I think I know how to find the professor.

Lay it on us, big boots.

(LEELA SNIFFING)

If the smell-a-scope can pick up the professor's odor,

we may have a chance to save him.

(LAUGHS, SNORTS) I think not.

As you probably already don't know,

odors are made up of particles that can't travel through the vacuum of space.

-(ELECTRICITY BUZZING) -Ahhh!

I'm zeroing in on him.

(SNIFFING) Bengay,

mothballs,

letters to the editor!

It's the professor!

To the flying machine!

(SNIFFING) To the left!

No, to the up!

U-turn! U-turn!

We'll never find this place.

Robots are very good at keeping secrets.

No, we're not, you little bed wetter!

Oops, I'm sorry.

There it is! The near death star.

Okay, we'll tell them the professor escaped, and we're bringing him back.

Fry, you'll have to dress up like a 160-year-old man.

I'm on it.

(GROANING)

CUBERT: My God!

The illusion is so perfect.

I almost forgot I was looking at an idiot.

Now, they may ask for a DNA sample.

I'd like to see them find it.

This plan is impossible.

We don't even have a sample of the professor's DNA.

I think I know where to get some.

(CUBERT SCREAMING)

CUBERT: Why do I have to be the hump?

'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

LEELA: Your Medicare dollars at work.

Halt! Identify this guest.

Uh, this is Professor Hubert Farnsworth. He escaped.

Escaped? No one escapes.

This guest does not look 160.

What, I'm old! Listen...

(IMITATES FARNSWORTH) Hey, you kids, get off the lawn!

Hmm, it is true old people are often concerned

that there are children on their lawns.

There's no denying that,

but we'll still need to verify his identity with a DNA sample.

Got a hot, steaming batch right here.

(SLOSHING)

We only needed one cell.

-Eh, keep the change, buddy. -CUBERT: Stupid robot.

Did your hump just say something?

I've got talking hump syndrome.

Ah, THS.

(MACHINE BEEPING, DINGING)

Identity confirmed.

Return this shambling shuffleboarder to his room.

7152, Maple Drive.

-Sounds nice. -Prepare to be surprised.

(ALL GASPING)

So this is where they stick old people. It's horrific.

At least it keeps them from driving.

Brace yourself for the worst.

(LEELA AND FRY SCREAMING)

And yet he looks so natural.

CUBERT: What's happening?

He's hooked up to a life-support system.

We have to disconnect him very, very carefully, or the shock could kill him.

Freeze!

GUARD 1: Seize them!

GUARD 2: Seize them! GUARD 3: Seize them!

Get them! I mean, seize them!

Oh, I'm so bad at this.

GUARD 2: Uh-oh.

(YELLS IN PAIN)

(SQUEAKING)

We're probably gonna make it, but we might not!

It's impossible! We'll never fit!

-Will too. -(CUBERT GRUNTS)

Told you.

(ALL PANTING)

Come on, Leela. Step your big boot down on the gas pedal.

(ALARM BUZZING)

They've blown out one of our engines.

Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it!

Fix it, fix it, fix it!

Only the professor knows how to fix it.

We have to wake him up.

(LEELA GRUNTING)

(AIR HORN BLOWS)

Try shocking him.

Your social security check is late!

Stuff costs more than it used to!

Young people use curse words!

Damn it. We'll have to fix the engine ourselves.

We can't, you bastard.

No one knows how it works.

It's impossible!

Nothing is impossible.

I understand how the engines work now.

It came to me in a dream.

The engines don't move the ship at all.

The ship stays where it is,

and the engines move the universe around it.

That's a complete load.

Nothing's a complete load. Not if you can imagine it.

That's what being a scientist is all about, right, Professor?

(MUMBLING)

Let's ride.

CUBERT: Good news, everyone.

He's made a complete recovery.

ALL: All right! Way to go!

-I'm as spry as a 140-year-old. -(BONES CRACKING)

See? I only broke one ankle.

So what were they doing to you in that awful drawer?

Oh, they had me hooked up to a bizarre virtual world

that seemed absolutely real.

What was it like?

It was as though I were living in a facility in Florida

with hundreds of other old people.

All day long, we'd play bingo, eat oatmeal and wait for our children to call.

-(ALL GROAN) -It's a hundred times more horrible

than anything I could imagine.

Oh, my, yes.

Thank you all for saving me, especially you, my little clone.

No matter what you decide to do with your life,

I'm still proud of you.

I've already decided.

Dad, when I grow up, I want to be just like you.

Don't worry, son.

You will.

Incidentally, you might want to read up on a condition known as wandering bladder.

Why?

FARNSWORTH: No reason.

No reason at all.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)