Original subtitles

And so at midnight, just 12 minutes from now,

mass murderer Victor Ajax will be executed

at the Hudsucker State Penitentiary.

Now it's Ajax's turn to die.

Ajax, a security system's repair man gets death by electrocution

Thus writing finis to the horrible tale of murder and mayhem

that shocked our fair city just 2 weeks ago

claiming innocence to the end, but nothing can save Ajax now.

You...

No...

Sit down!

Wait... wait... no... no... no!

Okay, Gout

Just fried Gurwitz

You're next, Ajax

But I'm innocent. Innocent, I tell ya

Don't give them the satisfaction

Ajax!

Well, good luck kid, give my regards to [God].

Come on pipsqueak, we're saving a seat for ya!

Say, you look like a couple of reasonable fellows and...

let me explain what's.. . what's going on here

I'm not supposed to be here!

It's all a big mistake

There's no hard feelings on this end.

Mistakes do happen

and naturally I can explain everything

see I only worked for Mr Odegard and Mr Trend

I was an employee in their security shop

and Mr Odegard wasn't a very nice guy and...

Don't sit down, Vic!

I guess he was planning to sell the shop right out

from under Mr Trend's nose

So tell me Odegard... do you still o-v-e love it?

Could you die? Does it... ah... trip your alarm?

Frankly, Renaldo, what you do with this shop

after you've bought it doesn't interest me in the least

But let's keep this little transaction to ourselves

I wouldn't want my partner to know he's losing his business

Somehow, Mr Trend must have found out about it

Mr Trend wasn't such a bad guy

but he and his wife had sunk

their whole lives into that business and...and...

Mr Trend would have done anything for his wife....

anything.

Center City Exterminators...

Trend?

You there?

Little weasel...

Give me the word, come on, ya creep.

Do it tonight, he'll be working late, alone...

and make it quick

I don't want him to suffer

You hear that, Arthur? He doesn't want him to suffer long!

Helene, I'll never let that rat destroy our happiness

you can count on it.

So, so you see...

I had no idea Mr Trend was up to something

nobody did, it was between the two partners

I had nothing to do with it!

If you could only find Nancy, she's my witness.

If you could only find her she'd tell you I'm totally innocent.

She'd tell you the whole time I was across the street from the shop

installing the video security system

in Mr Trend's apartment building

Mr Trend!

Honey, I'm home

Who is it?

It's me, Mr Trend!

Oh... Hi, Vic. What's on your mind?

Silliest damn thing, it's a broom closet!

Well, one more camera

Mr. Trend and it's...

back to the shop

Fine, back to the...

You know Vic, I'm glad we ran into each other

in this amusing fashion

For a long time now I've been looking to have a heart to heart with you

you know you're always been more than just an employee

to Helene and I

Honey, I'm home

You find this work fulfilling, don't you, Vic?

And how, Mr Trend!

And have you ever thought about the grand design?

I mean, there's something missing, isn't there, Vic

A door, Mr Trend?

What's behind the door, Vic?

Oh,... Oh...Jeez,...

Mr. Trend I'd love to have a foyer, but on my salary...

a large apartment is...

I'm not talking about the anteroom, Vic...

I'm talking about the little princess inside.

Lord knows I'll do anything for Helene

Don't go back to the shop

Take the rest of the day off.

Tonight you go out and find a little princess

that you'd do anything for.

Now you go out there and find yours.

Oh, Thanks, Mr. Trend

Just make sure that... she knows who's boss

Okey-dokey, Mr. Trend

How are you tonight, Colonel?

Adequate!

[??] Hell of a storm brewing.

You know how I can tell?

No, how?

Steel plate.. in my head.

Yes sir, Korea was no picnic.

Word of advice son, when you hook up 4G

don't flirt with the filly that lives there.

She'll slap you quicker than you can say "present arms".

Yes sir, there's one woman that can take care of herself...

All by herself...

All by...

Taking care of yourself

that's important

but two people

taking care of each other

that's romance...

Romance

Let's see

Chapter one: The Perfect Woman

Of course the perfect woman is not just gonna walk into my life, Gee...

Ohhooooooooo... Holy moly!

Oh! my goodness, are you okay?

Come on fuck, get outta the road!

You maniacs!

Incredible, I've never seen anything like that!

- Are you alright? - Ah.. ha. oh..

Oh its.. oh, oh.. you've got the key... whoops.

One more thing, chode, don't you EVER call me a maniac.

People gotta learn to watch where I'm going.

Are you alright?

Yeah...

Are you alright?

Me? Yes.

Excuse me?

What?

Oh, I.. I.. thought you... said something.

No.

Ah....

...you didn't?

Well...Thanks again

Um! Would you... Iike...to have...

some lunch some evening?

I'm sorry, No!

Ah, or a cup of coffee?

No, no, really.... I ah...

I'll pay.

No, that's not it...really...I...

Well look...

If you're not hungry... maybe we could just chat.

Hey, hey!

I've got the rest of the night off and...

Renaldo!

Hiya, cupcake

Say, where were you?

I had to walk home from work

Oh I... oh.. I ran into an old army buddy and

I was detained

Hi, I'm Vic

Owww...!

Glad to know you

Say, what the hell, in the neighborhood

wadda you say you and I go out and

drown a couple olives, huh?

Well, I don't know... you..

It's a date then. 8 o'clock Rialto Cafe, eh?

Well, okay!

Socially the man's a genius, I wonder if he's read this book

- Bye Baby! - Goodbye Renaldo, goodbye!

Jumping Jehosaphats

In all my years in the city... I ain't seen nothing like this...

...cheap Japanese umbrella...

I am so scared...

[??] hurricane

My eye

I'll sue you

Holy Hanna, are you okay?

Jesus, I don't know

Look out for the [pole]!

Did you see that?

Did you see that?

Helene, please come away from the window

Is that Mr Odegard's car down there?

Honey, this roast is absolutely delicious

Is Mr Odergard working late tonight?

No..

he went home..

to eat his dinner.

he was very hungry and he went home

Well, it looks like there's a light on down there.

Helene, your food's getting cold.

He's still there, honey and it's after 7 o'clock.

I didn't know you were still there, honey.

I didn't know that Mr Odergard would be working late tonight.

Wait.... I think somebody's with him

I'm going down there!

Get away from that fucking window!

I'm sorry

I'll go down

You can't go out in this... terrible weather

Don't call anybody

I'll see what's going on

Remember what I said

I didn't expect him in the shop tonight

it's a complete surprise to me

a total surprise...

and...

You'd like that, wouldn't ya, baby?

A thousand guys would give a thousand bucks to have dinner

with a girl like that.

Just look at that guy

I'm not that kind of girl!

Well, with a little practice you could learn to be

Oh, now, now.. wait a minute, cupcake.

Nice tie!

Ooh! $76

Okay, here's forty

[Rupert then], and I had the appetizer.

Call me a sport

I'd call you a heel!

So I'm a heel

So what of it?

Who are you?

Maybe I'm just a guy who hates heels.

Maybe I'm a heel who hates guys who hate heels.

Oh yeah? Well maybe I'm a guy...

Oh... ah...

Loser

Oh, oh. The eye... noodles.

Go on! Go on!

What in the living hell am I doing here?

I oughta shove those binoculars down your throat.

Jiminy Kripes, how'd I ever get myself into this?

For cryin' out loud.

So long, partner...

Nobody makes a fool out of Ernest Aloysius Trend.

Now everything's hunky-dory.

No witnesses.

Why, no, officer.

I couldn't say where he is.

Enemies?...

None that I knew of... know of...

Yes...

Donald was very much beloved by all.

Of course, I'm sure he's alright

Murdered?

Ernest, is everything alright?

Yeah, fine.... I'm at the shop

Are you sure?

Odergard's gone... It looks like he uses the back door for the [??].

Okay, then come on home, honeykins...

your dinner's getting cold.

Ok, I'll be right home dear... goodbye.

I used to think that the key to happiness...

was the installation and repair of small electrical appliances

but... well, I don't claim to know

a whole lot about the grand design

but lately I haven't been able to

shake the feeling that something's missing

and I'm not talking about the foyer or the anteroom.

Cherish is the word I use to describe all the feelings that I have

hiding here for you inside

I don't know how many times I wish that I had told you

I don't know how many times I wish that I could hold you

I don't know how many times...

I wish that I could mould you into someone...

who could cherish me.. as much as I cherish you...

I haven't seen you here before

I like that in a woman

You're cute

Keep talking baby, maybe you'll tell me something

I don't already know

...I don't know how many times I wish that I could hold you

I don't how many times I wish...

Arthur...

For all we know, this is the guy that hired us.

Tell him it's a two for one sale.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is.. that the perfect woman is

is pretty much in the eye of the beholder

It's funny... just some dames dig round chuck.

when they could have prime rare.

Oh, you man you!

No one can be perfect on their own.

Each person needs someone to

believe in them, to see them as being someone special

people shouldn't be afraid to take care of each other

Nancy... today, when I saw you fall

all I wanted to do was take care of you

Hey!

He didn't...

Didn't you?

Foolish..

Whoa

Ernest Aloysius Trend, what on earth is keeping you?

Have a cab? You'll pay for that

I don't want to break a hundred.

Take your bag, sir?

No muss, no fuss... Leave the bagging to us.

Spies... above.

Lady, you ain't seen nothing...

YET!

Put up your dukes.

What mother son's raising all that ruckus out here?

What's this?

Victor, you're a very nice guy

and I appreciate what you tried to do for me tonight

but this is one woman who can take care of herself

Let's have a big round of applause for Johnny and the boys.

Vic, would you lend me $36?

Sure!

If I had $36...

I don't usually walk around with that much money on me!

So where on earth am I going to get $36?

Ladies and gentlemen

The winners of tonight's Rialto Dance Riot will receive $36.

Play, Johnny.

Woman found torn limb from limb in West Side apartment....

Film at eleven.

Operator

It's an emergency...

Oh, please... help me...

there's a man hitting... ah!

Well, ah.. you see.. my husband went across the street... and... oh!

ah...ah...before that, I'd seen Mr Odegard

I'd seen him working late and

I'm going to tear out your...

Where am I?

Oh, yeah.

San Francisco...

Come to papa, sweetheart.

Oh, playing hard to get, huh? I like it that way.

Okay... hmmm..

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Drop her you little punk.

I'm gonna kick your ass.

Buckwheat, I is gonna give you an advantage.

Take a last good Iook at God's sweet earth, Mister.

'cause youz about to meet the being what made it.

Mr Yarman?

Quiet down, Mrs. Trend.

There but one way to catch a rat in the dark,

you wait.

Rat, he just gotta show you his pink little ass

You can't seem to catch this rat!

I'll get ya.

Rat ain't been made what can get away from Mr Yarman

See?

It's a long road that's got no end.

To catch a rat, you gotta find him first.

Right

And rats like me are hard to find

Bon voyage, sucker

Oh, honey, look at that man!

Better not getting involved

Hey, what's so funny? Why don't you share it with the rest of us.

Aw, go on...

- Taxi! - Where to?

Some night, huh?

Some night? It couldn't have possibly been worse

I almost get run over, lose a dance contest...

Heh..

get stood up by a heel

and spend most of the evening washing dishes to...

pay for a good time I didn't have

It couldn't possibly have been worse.

You met me didn't ya?

Exactly

I think things could have been a lot worst

Look at the bright side

You and your bright side?

There is no bright side

You're not being rational, Nancy

of course there's a bright side

No bright side

No bright side

No... bright... side!

NO BRIGHT SIDE!

Nancy, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that...

Oh!

I can take care of myself

Of course you can, Nancy

but taking care of each other, that's what's important

Who are you?

You're ruining my day.

What'd I do?

What's all that noise?

Car 9, car 9 report to Watchtower apartments

Domestic squabble. That is all.

Come on...

Who are you anyway?

Come on! Come on!!

Come on already..

Come on..

God!

Use the elevator

Come on, God...

Ow!

I'm Captain of this elevator...

and we are stopping at every floor.

Whoa!

Nancy, once we get you back in your apartment and all cleaned up

you'll feel like a million bucks, here we go!

Whoa!

- Arthur? - Faron?

Look out!

Okay, Nancy, my eyes are closed

you can hand me that dress now

Can I open my eyes yet?

Not yet!

Behind you

Open up, please. It's the Police.

Where'd you get the Negro, Butch?

Elevator

What kind of paranoid schizo could kill a man in cold blood

and then jelly up his face with shaving cream?

My dad!

Son!

I don't know what I ever saw...

in that heel in the first place...

Oh, he's not such a bad guy, just a little confused

Am I confused too, Vic

No Nancy, I think your emotions are wonderful...

I wish I could be as expressive as you

you were so free when you kissed me

in the restaurant and when you slapped me

I think you're wonderful...

I... have to get some more Sudzo for that dress

I'll be right back

Vic?

Um hmm

I've just been thinking about what you said...

and it's very sweet but the truth is...

I haven't been completely honest with my feelings about you...

Thank you for helping me tonight

No problem

Of all the men I've known, none of them would have done

what you did for me tonight

Gosh!

I just want you to know I think you're a very wonderful

and a very special person

It's not often I get a chance to meet a girl like you

Nancy?

Where are you?

Freshening... freshening up

It sounds like that congestion's moving to your throat

Listen, I just saw Mrs. Ellroy in the hall...

and she said that there are a couple of maniacs running around with forks

in their noses and she's concerned

because she hasn't seen Jack or Jack junior for...for quite a while

Gracious

Yeah, it sounds like they're a couple of real sickos

Did you hear that?

There's a couple of maniacs running loose out there.

Oh, God.

I know you can take care of yourself...

but, ah... I just thought I oughta pass it along

Well, tonight certainly has been rough on you.. but...I...

I just have to tell you Nancy, for me...

it's been the most wonderful night of my life

It probably sounds funny to... a girl like you

who's met lots of swell guys and...

I know that'll sounds funny...

to a girl like you who's met

Iots of swell guys

and had lots of wonderful evenings

But... I never met a girl like you before...

but I've never met a girl like you before...

What a turkey!

I know I don't deserve you

but I just had to tell you how I felt

before I... walked out of your life... forever...

[??]

you could tell me to stay if you wanted to...

But if you don't.... I'll understand.

I understand

I think he's gone

Listen I just have to get a chance to thank him before he goes

I really love you the core

Hey, love.. it's a terrific place you got here

Oh, golly gee, your hair really smells terrific

No, I don't get a chance to talk to people like much you know...

especially girls like you ya know

When I was in school my mom used to let me

They never let me talk to anybody

You know and I hated my mom. That's why I come to the rodent

Because, you know, every time I kill one of those guys

I see my mom in their face, ya know.

I never had a chance

'caus, you know, I'm a like a product of the 60's...

Vietnam, napalm, libby stick, LBJ, all the way...

Ya know... Kent State, pay the price, Soul on Ice

Mrs Trend... you better get back to your apartment

there are a couple of maniacs loose in this building

I told you never to call me that

Arthur!

You have a rodent problem?

Hey, Arthur. Every man for himself!

Whoa!

Faron!

Ready or not. Here I come.

Come back here

Hey, baby. Why don't you come on over to my pad..ah...

we'll have a scotch and sofa

You heel.

So I'm a heel

So what of it?

I'm not such a bad guy...

or am I?

Huh?

Pardon me.

Ernest Al !!.....

Watch it, fatso!

Get out of the way

Avon Calling.

I've gotcha!

I got ya!

- Oh, my God! - Yo, load em up.

Let's see, the 240 will get me the 515 and the 315 will get me [fades]

Stop this nonsense immediately.

Put her down this instant you filthy little man

Who's gonna stop me you old bat

You and those fag dogs?

That's right

Hey, where ya going? The night is young.

Hey, you little witch

Brother Faron

I'll get the truck.

Let me in here!

Okay, no more Mr Nice Guy.

Goin' my way, sweetheart?

Women drivers.

- Faron, are you okay? - Get in the truck, idiot.

Look what they did to me... Oh, I wanna...

Wah, I'm gonna get you.. Oh, I hate animals.

Nancy!

What's the trouble son?

Some maniacs are after my girl...

and I wonder if you'd let me take your...

You love her, son?

Yes, sir. I reckon I do.

She sticks a little in third.

I don't claim to know a whole lot about the grand design

Those fellows are gonna suck on some abuse.

Arthur, go ahead, go on

No, No.. I know ya...

Go ahead, take one

No, no I know you don't mean it.

Arthur, I'm telling you it's okay.

- Yeah? - Go on

You freak!

Ramming speed!

Go get her

Get along little doggy.... and come home to me.

Beat it! Get out of the way!

Asshole!

Victor, Help!

I'm coming Nancy!

Make way for Victor Ajax!

Why you...

- You're under citizen's arrest, fella. - Oh, yeah..

The eye.

That does it.

Taste justice!

I'm coming, Arthur...

Should I stop?

Not just yet!

Nancy, I feel like a wishbone

I'm being split in two.

Do you want me to stop?

What?

Why those guys!... I only borrowed that car!

- Hey, Vic? - Huh?

Go on, go get him, Arthur. He over there.

Tally-Ho

Right Mister!

Keep off of my boot. Keep off of the [Dodge].

- Stand by for the bat. - Ow-oh

Arthur, are you alright up there?

- Look out for that old Vet. - There's no...

Suprise... suprise!

How do you want it, Vic? Medium or well done?

- Look out! - Nancy!

You broke my shocker.

Mister, you've done some bad things

and I'm gonna deal out some swift justice...

this one's for bothering my girl...

this one's for giving me this...

this one's for ruining my date

and here's one for all the folks everywhere

Okay son, I give up...

Please don't hit me again with that baseball bat.

I realize what I did was wrong when... well... I'm.. I'm sorry.

Sometimes, sorry isn't good enough

Wait, from now on I'll be good

I swear it's the truth

Just one more chance...

- Well... - Please.... friend?

Pal?

Alright... but just this once

Put 'er there buddy

Knock his brains out.

Well, it look like the end of the road for you, Vic

Don't look now, but here comes an overpass!

You really tear me up, Vic Can I call you Vic?

I mean that's the difference between me and you

That's why you're down there and I'm up here

You see Vic...

You believe in people and I don't

That's why I'm gonna bash your stinkin' little skull...

Arthur?... Arthur!! Why you little...

Yowwwww!

Victor!

Nancy

Victor... save me!

Nancy!

I got ya Nancy

Oh, not so fast.

You can still put a stop to this.

I certainly intend to

Ah, this is a nightmare

And away we go!

She's going over... please... please..

I'm coming, Nancy.

Hold on kid, we're almost there

You wanna play rough, aye.

Let's go

Eat guard rail, fatso.

Fatso!... I'll....

Here I come.

Here comes [per swiss]

Now it's your turn, toots

[Up and travel]

Nancy... Nancy, jump! Nancy, jump!

I can't make it!

You can make it

It's too far!

Come to me, Nancy

Nancy!

Hold on! Hold on! Oh, are you alright?

Oh... No, Nancy. Please, oh, oh, ok, oh, oh

Not the ear..

Hold on, Nancy...

Oh, goodness. Oh, my goodness. Are you alright?

Oh, no! Not the eye!

Who were those guys anyway?

Oh, Gee.. I don't know

- I mean, where'd they come from? - I can't believe you...

- Well, how'd they get you? - Are you okay?

Nancy, I came into your room

and I thought you didn't care... about me

Oh! Vic, I do care... you saved...

And then I hit the water

so you see I'm practically a hero,...

Oh, thanks. So if it hadn't been for me

there's no telling how many people those maniacs might've killed

Tell it to Saint Peter!

Saint Peter? Oh yeah that's a good one!

But seriously, if you can just find Nancy she'd

prove everything I've told you

Nancy, Nancy, you probably killed her just like all the others

She's alive, I tell ya. She was on the bridge

I don't know what happened to her

but maybe if you ran a picture of her in the paper

Ah! sure! Yeah, we'll run a picture of her?

- Yeah! Yeah. - Next to your obit.

Yeah! Next to my...

Hallelujah... Hal-le-lu-jah...

Well, I've still got five minutes

Hold it! Hold it! It's the Governor.

Am I too late?

No, Governor.

Thank God...

I didn't want to miss this.

Sayonara!

Wait!!

That man is innocent!

Nancy!

Aw, come on!

Victor, darling, I had no idea

When you fell off that bridge, I thought you were dead.

I wandered for days

What were you wondering about?

And then these good sisters took me in

Hi! I'm Vic

I was about to take my vow of eternal silence

when I read about this horrible mistake in the newspapers

Can you good sisters corroborate this young lady's story?

They can't speak!

They've taken the vow of eternal silence

Too bad!

Right!

She likes me!

Hey..... Hey! Is anybody out there?