Original subtitles

Obviously, I'm lost in public.

Kidding.

The soccer team.

Mr. Hart's exams are multiple choice.

He downloads them along with the answers.

Tim Whitmore hacks in and pulls them out, passes them around the team.

Anthony found out it was going on.

By the way, the entire soccer team is cheating on exams and terrorizing Anthony Boyd.

What?

The bad part is coming.

Watch.

Newton-Buddle reloads for the next lecture.

How many here think about sex more than ten times a day?

How many of us ever think about STD?

How many think STD is a motor oil?

The parents don't even think the kids have sex.

The kids think the only risk is age, which you can only get by sleeping with a monkey.

This school needs a decent sex education program.

Look at me.

Do we need to work on eye contact?

You'll continue looking at me until further notice.

They won't make eye contact, Steven.

I can't get my hair unclenched, and Lauren Davis won't date me.

My head's up a horse's ass again.

It makes me want to poop in my own mouth and then lecture.

Crazy for Cocoa Puffs!

Crazy for Cocoa Puffs!

All right, cut.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't know, guys.

This might cross the line here.

This is a charity show.

I mean, don't you think the spirit of the sketches should be less nasty?

No!

Yeah, that's good.

That's good.

Susan Potter and Peter Nelson?

Yes.

Well, they're running for senior class president against each other.

Yeah, well, they were on the same side last night, Marilyn.

Ooh, what are you going to do?

I don't know.

I mean, they should be suspended.

Your election's in two days.

Yeah, I realize this.

Marilyn, ah, good, good.

Marilyn, I want to do my number in the second act.

You put me in a first act last year.

The audience wasn't even warm.

I haven't even scheduled the order yet, Harvey.

Well, you never mind.

Here, look at this.

Last year's review.

Women screamed as if I were a Beatle.

They scream because it's scary when you sing.

I've got the biggest ovations, 20 years running.

You put me in the second act.

But somebody's got to tell him.

Look, he doesn't know.

That's not true.

It does hurt him because he keeps singing that

song every year, and the kids laugh at him.

I don't know that they laugh for sure.

Lauren, they do scream like he's a Beatle.

Does he look like a Beatle to you?

And personally, if I have to hear, if I were a rich man one more time...

Oh, Steven, John LeBlanc's Magna Club application, I

need your signature before I can send in the packet.

It should be on your desk.

It is.

And I can't sign it.

Why not?

Orange John LeBlanc's on the soccer team.

So he wasn't one of the players who cheated.

He knew what was going on.

By not coming forward, he violated the school's honor code.

I can't recommend him for the Magna Club, one of the criteria's leadership.

You are kidding.

No, I'm not.

Well, what's wrong with the death penalty?

What's wrong with it?

If a person takes a human life, why should he or she deserve to live?

There could have been mitigating circumstances.

Like the guy he offered might have been a Yankee fan.

Seriously, though.

The streets are overcrowded.

There's not enough food or jobs to go around.

It costs money to house prisoners.

I mean, why not just send the scum back to meet the almighty?

Hey, you know what?

Where's Figgis?

Anybody seen Figgis?

He's been out all week.

Figgis is out for good.

What do you mean he's out for good?

He's Dioed.

He spends his days out asking people if they want ketchup with their fries.

If you tell Goober, we'll be suspended.

Well, I'm not sure you shouldn't be.

And shouldn't two opposing candidates be engaged in debate?

School politics aside, we're friends.

Yes, that's how it looked.

And that's another issue.

I have a boyfriend.

If this gets out...

Not to mention, with both of us suspended on

election day, Jerry Schlum will get elected.

He's ahead in the polls as it is, and now... Do you know Jerry Schlum?

I wouldn't be mudslinging, Peter.

I mean, you hardly look presidential yourself, and...

Actually, you did.

Miss Davis, please.

The humiliation that this would cause us.

Plus, everybody does it.

All right.

Look, at a minimum, you are both going to see Mr. Lick.

It's not like we were kissing or doing anything intimate.

It's true.

It's going on all the time.

Oral sex and stairwells?

You realize half the high school students in this

country don't even consider oral sex to be sex?

Neither did Clinton, according to his depot.

Oh, Miss Souter, I'm told this year's charity

show is particularly scathing toward the faculty.

There's nothing vulgar, I promise.

It's all been fun.

Do they mock me?

All things considered, you get off the light.

What about me?

They say I'm relaxed.

What do they say?

It's not terrible, but Cheryl Holt's website has made you bother.

Is Davis here with you?

I just came from Harper's office.

You won't sign my application.

I know.

I didn't cheat.

I know that, John.

This isn't fair.

I work for this.

I'm going to talk to Mr. Harper.

I think he's being a little too rigid.

The application's got to be postponed by Friday.

I didn't talk to him.

Okay.

Marilyn.

What's this?

We can't use the auditorium for the candidate speeches.

We have the charity show tonight, Kevin.

We have to rehearse.

We have sets.

Well, where else can we do it?

The class president is a springtime thing.

Don't be doing it in front of the curtain.

Your sets won't be disturbed.

How long?

One hour tops.

No more, Kevin.

They got to rehearse.

Oh, Marilyn, do I get lanced?

Don't expect me to be staying silent.

That charity troupe pops my balloon.

I'll be fine back right from my seat up in the office of Section 2.

Marla, if you disrupt this show...

You just tell your little boys and girls not to be lampooned in my ass.

I took a revenge as a hobby, and I'm good at it.

Actually... we need you in the show.

What are you talking about?

I mean, this year's program needs you in it.

Can you sing?

Can I sing?

Like a sparrow.

You're being unfair.

Lauren... But you can't expect kids to rat on each other.

Whether I expect it or not, Lauren, that's what the honor code is all about.

They were his teammates.

And his teammates were cheating.

Systemized cheating.

John LeBlanc deserves that award.

No, he doesn't.

The Magna Club Award is for a very select few.

The cream of the cream.

John LeBlanc doesn't qualify.

Is he an A student?

Yes.

Is he a great kid?

Yes.

But he did violate the honor code.

I cannot sign my name to an application...

that represents him as the very best Winslow High has to offer.

He has dedicated himself to this for three years.

And to punish him simply because he wouldn't turn in his teammates...

is way too much to expect of a 17-year -old.

Not the kind that qualifies for the Magna Club Award.

Busy.

For long.

I don't know.

What's the problem, Milton?

First, the website.

Now, evidently, I'm an object of ridicule in the charity show.

So?

So?

How would you like it, Louisa?

I probably wouldn't, but I wouldn't go running to the principal's office every time.

..

like a big crybaby.

I'd do something.

Oh, and what should I do?

Throw Cheryl Holt against a locker, borrow Harry Sennett's gun?

Why don't you just pretend you're the Milton Buttle you once hoped to be...

and do whatever he would?

You know, I'm required by law to take things from students.

I don't have to take them from you.

Milton!

If you've got something to say to me, let's step off school grounds.

Are you challenging me to a fight?

I'm challenging you to a date.

Buy me dinner.

You... want to go out with me?

I have a bet that you couldn't possibly be as big of a wimp as you seem.

So, yeah, I need proof.

This is not a way to ask a person out.

That's a gazar.

He's already got a gazar.

Do you have any Valdezars?

I'm sorry, that's all we got.

Can I help the next?

Who needs to talk for him?

I need money.

I gotta work.

But how far do you think you're gonna go on without a high school diploma?

I ain't going far with or without it, Mr. Senate.

I need money now.

My mother's on welfare and I got two little brothers, you know what I'm saying?

Okay, but why can't you just work after school?

I tried.

These are the only hours I can get.

I'm 17.

I can quit school if I want.

Hey, no, don't break here.

Come on.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just need to speak with him for a... Speak to him on break.

I got business.

Harry Stemple, I'm with the INS.

I just need to speak to the boy for a couple of minutes.

Can I get your last name, sir?

Hey, I don't do nothing wrong.

Well, it's just his hours under Regulation USAC Section 14, Subsection 12,

Child Welfare Department of Education, Immigration, Preemption Doctrine,

Subsection 3, Labor Law.

He's actually in violation working school hours.

It's only a misdemeanor, not a big deal.

But the employer does incur liability as well.

Your last name?

He said he's 17.

I may need to get a statement from you.

Listen, is there any way you could push his hours to after four o'clock?

I can pretend I was never here.

No big deal.

I can't work after four.

Thank you.

Just give me a few more seconds with the boy and he's all yours.

He said he's 17.

Okay.

I don't care.

I don't want to go to school.

It sucks.

Of course it sucks.

It's supposed to suck.

You still need a diploma.

Look, every kid has to have a degree in suckhood

in order to have any chance of becoming something.

I can't stand it.

You don't do me any good if I can't stand the classes, Mr. Senate.

I've done my time as a student.

I'll tell you what.

I'll let you teach.

What?

Come back.

You're the teacher.

Right.

I'm serious.

And what am I going to teach?

Anything you want.

Juan, if you can't think of one thing you can

teach, you shouldn't be dropping out of school.

My teammates don't like me, Mr. Harper.

They don't even talk to me.

Then why protect them?

Because... it's hard enough.

What I'm saying is, if I turn them in... how do I practice with them every day?

How do... You've played on a team.

You know what it's like.

The application you asked me to sign.

The award embodies leadership, John.

Honesty.

Honor and leadership in this instance means coming forward.

You didn't.

So if I made a mistake... it should cost me everything?

It should cost you the Magna Club Award.

Tell me I'm doing the right thing before I change my mind.

You're absolutely doing the right thing.

Anything other than fellatio?

No.

He was wearing a condom?

You can't catch anything from oral sex, Mr. Lick.

Yes, you can.

I'd like you to read this pamphlet.

How long have you been sexually active?

We weren't even kissing.

What do you mean you're not sure?

Either she asked you or she didn't.

Well, she invited me to dinner, but it was more like a demand.

All the while she was calling me a wimp.

Do you want to go out in there?

Well, yeah.

She's a woman.

She's breathing.

I'm going through a non-picky stage.

Kevin, these speeches last an hour.

Three candidates.

They each speak fifteen minutes.

You're on the auditorium.

Back by two!

Lauren, did you talk to Lipschitz?

I'm not going to talk to him.

He humiliates himself.

Well, don't you think he'd be more humiliated to know the kids are all spoofing him?

At least it would stop.

Well, you talk to him then.

He'll just accuse me of being black.

Excuse me?

He'll say, I don't like his song because he's Jewish and I'm black.

Oh, please.

I promise you.

What did you decide to do about her stare off and report him?

I thought that would just be too big.

Mr. Senate, there's a rumor spreading around like wildfire that you're letting

Juan Figgis take over the role of teacher in your class.

The kid dropped out.

I'm just trying to get him back in the room.

You told him he could teach whatever he desires?

Yes.

Mr. Senate, I have great admiration for your ingenuity, be it firing a gun or

encouraging a student to play around with dead bodies.

Listen, Juan Figgis will respond to responsibility.

I mean, I've got a feeling about this kid.

He just needs an opportunity to be, you know, a leader.

You can't afford to have anything else backfire on you, Mr. Senate.

This won't.

May I sit in on this class?

Oh, I'm sure the kids would love that.

He doesn't even socialize with those boys.

Except for practice and the games, he has nothing to do with that team.

I understand that, Mr. LeBlond.

But he didn't know the cheating was going on.

We take the honor code very seriously here.

And pursuant to that code, a student must not cheat

and must report others who do if he has knowledge.

This isn't a technicality.

It's something we emphasize with all the students from day one.

This award could push him over the top.

It could get him into Harvard.

Or he could also play.

He's got a legitimate chance and a Rhodes Scholarship.

He's worked his whole life for this.

Those things are still within reach.

No, they're not!

He needs this Magna Club Award.

And we've all made sacrifices.

I'm not changing my decision, Mr. LeBlond.

What do you mean they want you to sing?

Just what I said.

They want me to sing in the show.

They're the first act or second.

Should I have your attention, please?

I'd like to thank you all for coming.

As faculty advisor to the student government, I am very

gratified to have your attention at this special election.

Since we're stealing the room from the charity show rehearsals, let's get right

to it and introduce our first candidate, Peter Nelson.

Thank you very much.

When Mark Greenwell left school, occasioning this special election for a

new president, I thought very long and hard before deciding to run.

In thinking about what's best for the school and the student body, I felt I

could offer the best chance of change and

leadership that we the students really need.

And I campaigned on a platform of honesty.

But today, in the spirit of this honesty, I have to say the person I truly believe

is most qualified to be our president is Susan Potter.

I therefore withdraw from the race and pledge my support to Susan.

And ask all of you who are planning to vote for me, please vote for Susan Potter.

You want to run that by me one more time?

I think Susan Potter bribed Peter Nelson to get his votes.

The bribe being?

A sexual favor.

I saw it, Steve, and I walked in on it.

Couldn't it have been at arm's length?

From what I gather, Peter Nelson and Susan Potter aren't even friends.

They never have been.

And the campaign's been pretty ugly.

Suddenly, Susan is performing oral sex on him.

Next thing, he's throwing his support to her.

But the poll showed that Jerry Schlam had 40%.

Susan Potter had 32%.

Peter Nelson had 20%.

He was going to lose anyway.

So he took the free...

and, um... and with his 20%, Susan will win.

Talk about blowing by an opponent.

Can you prove any of this?

No, I can't prove it, but I'm sure of it.

Scott, get them both.

It's a quest to Susan and tag team Nelson.

Scott.

Scott.

What's with him?

I don't know.

I'm Stephen's busy again.

I didn't come to see Stephen.

I came to see you, you little snot.

About what?

Our date.

What about him?

Let's do it tonight.

The charity shoes tonight.

So we'll go back together.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

All right, everybody, settle down.

In your seats, please.

We have a new teacher.

We have a new teacher today leading us in our discussion for the last 45 minutes.

One figure.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

It's good to be back.

Uh, I promised Mr. Senate that I would take this

seriously, so I would appreciate you guys doing the same.

Already sounded like a teacher.

I want to talk about something that concerns us all.

Those four little words we all fear.

Pre, mature, ejaculation.

John?

Hey.

I'm still working on him.

Do they ever accept applications without the principal's endorsement?

I don't think so.

A month ago, I was telling Jason Harrelson that life is more than just football.

It's also more than just academics.

And I know how disappointed you are, but I think... I'm in love with you.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to say that.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

I don't really know how to respond.

You don't have to.

It's not like I'm expecting you to.

I shouldn't have ever said it.

It just came out of my mouth.

I see a shrink, you know, and I just talk about it with him.

What does he say?

Gotta find safety with you.

Security.

And that it's not all that uncommon.

You know, I had a crush... Not a crush, Miss Davis.

I'm in love with you.

Okay.

I'm very flattered.

You said the depth of the attraction usually

coincides with how vulnerable I feel in other stuff.

I guess... losing the Magna Club award, you know, makes sense.

I suppose.

Do you mind?

Could I just put my head on your shoulder?

Um...

I promise I won't cry.

Sure.

Okay.

You take it.

Here we go.

You take it.

Sit.

You're in a little bit of a situation here, Mr. Nelson.

There are some things you know, some things you don't.

You know, for example, what you did with Miss Potter.

You know the arrangement you two worked out.

What you don't know is what Susan Potter finally

came to admit to us a few short minutes ago.

You have to make a decision now, don't you, Mr. Nelson?

Son, corrupting the school government is serious.

A conspiracy to throw an election?

Worse, now you do not want to be compounding your guilt here with a lie.

Trust me on that.

Did you agree to pledge your votes to Susan Potter in exchange for a sexual favour?

Yes.

Whose idea was it?

Hers.

You went along with it?

Son, what were you thinking?

That it was my lucky day.

Have you seen Susan Potter?

I trusted you.

You never said nothing about trust.

Ah, don't be hittin' me.

I gave you responsibility.

I gave you an opportunity to be a leader.

You talk about premature ejaculation.

What's up with that?

What you do?

Premature ejaculate?

How would you... I mean provoke, that's what you do.

Me talk about all these crazy things to make the class think, wow, yo, he's dope.

And once you get our attention, that's when

you start slippin' and all the education stuff.

That's what I was gonna do, you have other limits, Juan, all right?

Premature ejaculation, you cross the line.

Oh, okay, so I should've whipped out my gun then, huh?

Many people consider Marbury versus Madison the

most important Supreme Court decision ever decided.

Anyone here know why?

Mr. LeBlanc.

Established judicial review.

Excellent.

Please stand up.

What is judicial review?

Yeah, tell us, Einstein.

What did you say?

Mr. Harding, what are you saying back there?

Nothing, sir.

Mr. LeBlanc, please explain to the class what judicial review is.

The Supreme Court's power to decide whether

laws passed by Congress are constitutional.

Mmm, very good.

Yippee.

Wait a minute.

Come on.

He's got it.

He bit my ear off.

I'll go ahead and call it in.

Give me your tear, Ted.

It wasn't a hole here, just a little chunk.

Spit it right at me.

It hit me here.

Did you see it happen?

No, I didn't.

The boys had words.

Then suddenly one screaming in the ovens, hucking out an ear like a lung biscuit.

Whether or not you'll be prosecuted is up to the police, but you are suspended here.

How long is still to be determined?

Son, I want you to go see Mr. Lick.

Then I'll release you to your parents or to the police.

Scott, will you escort him?

Let's go.

This is a little delicate.

I don't think it's a good idea for you to sing.

Why not?

Well, the students don't really think you're good.

It's kind of a gag, the way they cheer and go wild.

A gag?

They've been cheering me for 20 years running.

It's a joke that's been going on for 20 years running.

Or passed down through generations.

What are you talking about?

Evidently, the kids went wild for you as mock 20 years ago.

And it's become a tradition.

See, that's always been the rumor.

And I asked a few kids about it today, and grudgingly they agreed.

They just pretend to like me?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nice try.

Marilyn doesn't want me to sing because I'm Jewish.

Well, I am going to sing.

You don't get standing ovations year after year as a joke, Lauren.

And they scream like I'm a beetle.

That can't be faked.

Joke wasm was played like a joke.

But the standing ovations were real.

Hey.

Hey.

I heard you're afraid of stairwells.

It's funny.

Actually, I am.

I, uh... I went into one again and I came across John LeBlond.

And he told me that he's in love with me.

It's even an issue with his shrink.

And what'd you say?

Not a lot.

I... babbled and stumbled around like a total idiot and...

Then I let him put his head on my shoulder.

He seemed so depressed.

Did you kiss him?

Because when Dana Paul gets sad... Take me seriously.

I let him put his head on my shoulder.

Well, it was to comfort him, right?

I mean, it wasn't sexual, was it?

No, of course not.

It's just...

Sometimes I feel so clueless as to how to do this job.

Just follow the teacher's manual.

I do.

To the letter.

Kid doesn't want to come to class.

Just let him touch a corpse or give a lecture on premature ejaculation.

It's all in there.

Teaching's easy.

Just use the manual.

Did you hear he bit off a kid's ear?

Well, if he can't have you...

He bit it right off.

Ever bite anybody before?

No.

You were going for the air or just started biting and the air is what you got?

I don't know.

And this... hearting boy... he was taunting you?

Mr. LeBlond?

It should be mine.

I worked for it.

It should be mine.

The Magna Club Award?

Tell me why it's so important to you.

It should be mine.

You said you'd only tell Nick.

That was before I knew you were fixing an election.

Harper has called my parents in here.

He's going to tell them.

Susan, you've been suspended.

Don't you think your parents will find out why?

No, I was going to tell them I was over -cheating or something.

Why do they have to be called in here?

You're going to be transferred.

What?

This is my whole world here.

You can't just yank me out of it.

What's wrong with you people?

Susan, have you given any thought to what you did?

This doesn't mean I should be banished for God's sakes.

Every friend I have... I'm a senior.

This is my life here.

I have earned the right to graduate with my friends.

I couldn't lecture me on what you've earned.

You people don't even know what it's really like in here.

You don't have a clue.

I got a clue in the stairwell.

And if you think that you are going to achieve career advancement or political

gain, or even popularity by getting on your knees,

you don't have any clue what it's like out there.

Kids practice sex in high school, Miss Davis.

That's the way it is.

I'm afraid to ask you what you mean by practice.

But I will say this.

Dignity is not something that you practice.

You either have it or you don't.

None.

Mr. Bartle, get out of there.

It's your heart.

I'm told the horse kicked her.

Just smile.

Time to enjoy it.

Rise above.

I can't get Milton out of the horse.

Do something.

Stephen, they're about to present the check.

I told them I'd accept it.

Go ahead.

I can do this myself.

They in your office?

Susan Potter is.

Parents will do it in a second.

Are you sure you don't need me?

Nah, go on.

Accept the check.

Bob!

The LeBlanc boy.

Troubled kid.

Mm-hmm.

The suspension is over.

Is it necessary?

He bit off a kid's ear.

You didn't have to wait.

You're missing the show.

I'm being a good escort.

Yes, you are.

I keep thinking the next practical joke is on me.

Why?

Is it a crime to like you, Milton?

Actually, that's what I tell people.

It explains why I'm always alone.

I think you're cute, okay?

And if you like, I'll go up there on stage and say so.

That won't be necessary, but thank you.

Well, how about that?

Where's your gun when you need it?

Honey.

Am I crazy?

I think it's pretty good.

You're crazy.

It's just... it's not his audience.

His demographic is more, you know...

Maybe.

Oh, Lord, who made the lion and the lamb?

You,

but what it's for... Sebastian Kato's plan is...

Leave me in a sexual favor.

In exchange for his withdrawal from the race and the pledge of his votes,

she tendered oral copulation.

If you're talking about what I think you are, I

assure you Susan doesn't even know what that is.

Under these circumstances, I feel it's best to affect a

transfer to another school for Susan's own protection.

Susan, did you...

She does not know what that is.

The proceeds raised thus far total $4,620.

I'd like

to call Vice Principal Scott Liberup to accept this check, which he then will

present to the Retinitis Bimentosa Foundation.

Thank you, Miss Susan.

Once again, I think the students deserve recognition for their outstanding efforts.

You know, this year's recipient represents an extremely worthy cause.

It goes almost without saying that without the effort... I'm sorry, Scott.

I realize this isn't the time or the place, but

there's something I've been meaning to say to you.

What's going on?

These arms...

have a real love for you.

These arms... are bound to hold you again.

How could you do that?

It was just a joke.

What?

The goober?

He has no sense of humor.

That's what made it funny.

Just take me out for a beer and tell me what a great show it was, okay?

Can you do that?

Yes, all right.

But I'll meet you at Doyle.

Something tells me I better check up on Harvey.

Okay.

Okay.

What's this?

I'm preparing for tomorrow's class.

What, I don't get to teach no more?

What are you teaching about?

Bonsieur de Leon.

Who's he playing for?

I'm kidding.

I know you're into Ponses.

These history books don't talk about Puerto Rico.

Why is that?

Because we have you to talk about it.

Juan, I'm proud of you.

It's good going.

Yeah, well, with LeBlanc out on the Magna Club

Award, I figured I might be back in the running.

Yeah.

It was a premature ejaculator.

Pons de Leon.

I'm kidding.

Brought the house down, Harvey.

Didn't I tell you?

I could hardly hear myself sing.

They were cheering so loud.

Well, congratulations.

Thank you.

You okay?

Why wouldn't I be?

No reason.

Goodnight.

Lauren.

Yeah?

They were laughing, weren't they?

Yeah.

You know, I always wondered about it.

But my wife Helen, she said no.

They really do enjoy it.

Harvey, students can be cruel, especially when it comes to picking on teachers.

Personally, I think you're pretty good.

Well, how could I expect them to like that song really?

That's how it is.

Next year, I'll just do a different song.

I found him in his room, unconscious.

He took some pills.

Where is he?

They're working on him.

Paramedics couldn't get a pulse.

I think they're pumping his stomach.

You know why this happened.

Joseph.

Mr. LeBlond?

Mrs. LeBlond?

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You stinger!