Original subtitles

Ned: My gut says murder, Marv.

And my gut says Glass Club.

Murder's a very serious allegation.

It's probably the most serious.

Well, molestation might be worse.

We don't have-- I mean, it's not a contest.

To each his own.

I just-- I need you to lift your ban

on investigating the Glass Club.

You make a good case that something's being covered up,

but for murder? It's thin.

If I'm wrong about this,

then I should just go back to selling toilet paper, okay?

Because my hunches won't be worth

more than the worst toilet paper we sell.

The Softees Green-Value line.

- You don't like Green-Value? - I hate it.

It's gotten to the point where if I go into a toilet

and I see Green-Value, I can't go anymore.

I can see you.

If you're right,

it could be very exciting.

Very exciting.

- [singsongy] Heh-heh! - Yeah--

We don't do that anymore.

- Okay. - If you could just

do your investigation quietly,

- until you're 100 percent. - Absolutely.

[sighs]

Yes!

[The Scrantone's "Song From The Ninth Floor" playing]

Hey. I just got off with Mare, she says hello.

Nicole. It's so nice to hear your voice.

Yeah, yours too.

Well, you want the lowdown? [laughs]

Uh, okay. Yeah, no, I have a minute.

So, Detrick is telling Travis

that he's never been in a relationship.

- Uh-huh. - So I tell HR that he's lying,

but HR is completely unsympathetic about it...

Oh, my God-- Mare, you wouldn't believe--

Oh, I'm so sorry, you're still gossiping.

I'm sorry.

- Will you talk to HR? - Wait, what?

Don't talk to HR. Never talk to HR.

Uh, I just don't see how any of this matters.

I think it would matter to you

if the person you're dating starts denying it.

I'm not dating anyone.

[sighs]

You know, um, I have to get back to work,

but it was good talking to you. Bye.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

It was so good talking to her

because we kind of grew apart

after she started secretly sleeping with someone.

So-- Secret affair?

Mm-hmm.

W-- With who?

You know, I never found out,

but maybe if she wanted it a secret from me,

could be someone from here?

Maybe a boss? Mm-mmm...

[MOUTHING] Oh, my God.

Hang up on me? You see what happens.

And you know what would really help?

is a person on the inside

- to interview the waiters. - I'm not a member.

My brother's been trying to get me in for years.

Ned: But your brother's married to Ann, so... Ann is.

Ann: No, I've never been inside either.

No. No wives allowed.

Glass Club isn't a place you bring guests.

You know, you do have a standing offer

for a lunch there as a thank you for...

[whispering] for killing that investigation.

Uh... I'm not sure that was a real invitation.

Well, let's find out.

Ann, get me the Glass Club.

[cell phone 1 dings, buzzes]

[cell phone 2 chimes]

[cell phone 3 chimes]

[cell phone 4 beeps]

Oh, Marv is Marving Mare.

Mare is whisked away in the night

and given a promotion,

even though she's the worst reporter.

So, was she sleeping with the boss? Yes.

[laughs]

And you know what? Props.

I can't believe I didn't think

about sleeping my way back into my office.

All right, well, that is all bullshit.

Mare and Marv are not dating.

He's actually in love with someone else.

It's a sweet and rather heartbreaking story.

Yeah, but all the old powerful ones

are taken at this company.

Does Marv have a boss that is even older?

Yes, but he lives in Chicago. And he's married.

Does he have a boss that is the oldest of all?

He does.

It's a man named Ebenezer Enervate,

and he lives in a tiny house that is shaped like a shoe.

It's deep in the forest,

but no one's ever been able to find it.

I will.

- Me and Marv? Ned: I know, it's crazy.

Oh, what did you say?

Well, I said it wasn't true,

but that's not gonna stop it.

[laughing] I mean, it's almost funny.

Yeah, almost, but you know, not. Like Dane Cook.

I mean, I just got a big story

and the greenlight to follow it wherever it goes

for as long as it takes, and I can't have people here

thinking I didn't get this job legitimately.

You can't just hand this story off to someone else

and box step your way home?

What? I mean, it's my story.

Dan's really backing me on it.

No, that's great. It's just-- I just think that if

people are talking about you and Marv,

then finding out about you and me

could be just around the corner.

- [sighs] - What if we--

What if we tell people? Get out ahead of it,

stop the rumor.

I'm sort of tired of hiding it.

Uh, yes, it's just--

It's still not really a good look for me

to have slept with my former boss, you know?

All right, yeah. Yeah, I'll keep my trap shut,

and if there's people out there picturing Marv

sprinkling Metamucil on your tits,

- that's absolutely fine. - Jesus Christ, Ned.

Right? No? Okay, I'm sorry.

- I gotta go. [scoffs]. - That was a mistake.

- [call disconnects] - Hello? Shoot.

Oh, Ann. Did Marv hear back about--

Oh! Don't-- Don't--

Don't "Did Marv hear back" me, Ned Sampson.

Did you see this?

- Why would Adam heart that? - Okay,

this is a damaging rumor for Marv.

Are you kidding? Mare's gorgeous.

It makes him look great. It's damaging for Mare.

No, damaging for both.

- I mean, more for her. - Ned.

You know what, the point is,

- we gotta stop the rumor. - All right, how do we do that?

You're gonna tell everyone about you and Mare.

- Or... - Or...?

Uh, you could tell people

about you and Marv.

What about me and Marv?

Nothing, just the fact that you two are colleagues...

and you're in l--

laws.

Yeah, exactly.

And you know what, the Glass Club called Marv back.

And he has an invitation today for lunch, he can bring a guest.

- Oh, my God. Okay, fantastic. - Yeah.

What time do I have to be--

He asked me.

- He asked you? Cool. - He asked me.

[gasps]

Lunch. Okay, here's how this works.

We work through lunch, they pay.

Really? And I can get whatever I want?

You can get whatever you want from Morsel and Nosh.

The best sandwich shop in Ohio.

You've got to try The Clifford.

And if you don't try The Clifford,

you are officially the stupidest person I've ever met.

And right now, it's unofficial.

- Well, what's inside it? - Who gives a shit?

Just close your eyes, and you put it in your mouth.

Mmm. Mmm.

When Todd likes his food, he makes these orgasm noises?

Mm...!

Mmmmm!

Mm... [clicks tongue] Mm...

Uh, ugh... [clicks tongue]

Ah... Oops.

Like, I love a good sandwich,

but I don't know what I'm rooting for here.

[moans]

[grunts]

This guy's not online at all.

I couldn't find any Ebenezers within 200 miles.

And the house like a shoe is not even on Zillow.

So now I use AI for this and I say,

"Find me an old rich man, spine like question mark,

skin loose enough for two men,

closet full of hats,

favorite TV show, it was on the radio,

born after 1925.

And you have to put in 1925.

I matched with a Cornelius Vanderbilt

before I figured this out.

Esmeralda, I'm leaving your secret team

to go work with the other secret team.

We're goin' to spy on The Glass Club.

It's across the street from my apartment.

Okay. Have fun.

Ask about the unions, that's where murder happens.

- It's not the unions. - It's not the waiter.

Ann: The thing we were talking about before?

- Uh-huh. - Well,

you're off the hook because I handled it.

- You did? - I told some people

that I had access to Mare's medical files

and she can't be with Marv.

She can't be with anyone because of a war injury.

She took a tank round between her legs.

Ann, that's not true.

No, I know it's not true, but I told people.

And I was very detailed,

so now everyone's gonna be nice to her,

and you won't have any competition at all.

Because downstairs, she's like an exploded cigar.

[laughs]

- That's a terrible idea. - It is?

- I mean, it's monstrous. - Okay, fine.

Travis: And you, Ann,

- will be wearing this... - What is that?

...which has a very good camera hidden inside.

Check that out. I made it.

- Oh, that's pretty. - Yeah, it was my grandmother's.

She passed away.

And then I hollowed it out

with a skew chisel that was my grandfather's.

Oh, that's lovely.

Barry: Single file, please. - [door opening]

[bell sounds]

Welcome aboard.

Okay.

Window's over there.

Glass Club's that way.

- The head is in the stern. - [door closes]

And you'll address me as captain.

Oscar: We all instinctively know

not to talk about the fact

that Barry lives in Spongebob's apartment.

Parsins: This is just one of... - Okay, we've got audio.

Parsins: ...our watering holes.

- And... - Speaking of watering holes,

- can we see the pool? Travis: ...we've got video.

Absolutely. Are you a swimmer?

I have a pretty good breast stroke.

I bet Mare knows all about that.

- Hey! Don't-- - Leave Mare alone.

- Yeah. - She's a goddamn hero.

She's a superhero.

Ann: Ned, can you hear me?

Uh, yes, I can, Ann.

I fixed that thing that we were talking about.

No need to worry.

You did?

[cell phones ding, buzz, and chime]

Holy shit, it's Joe Burrow.

She's dating the Bengals quarterback.

That would explain her moving to Cincinnati.

Nah, you know, I don't know if it's adding up.

Ned: Yes, thank you.

He threw 43 touchdowns last season.

You think Mare's pulling that?

I heard he dated a supermodel last.

I think it's totally believable

that Mare could be dating some dumb jock, okay?

She is an award-winning journalist

in peak physical form, okay?

It's not like he's...

Pelé.

Marv: I agree with Ned.

Mare could pull Burrow.

- [both scoff] - Okay.

Detrick: Yeah, it's Marv. - It's Marv.

- [laughs] It's Marv. - Marv is, yeah...

Ned: It's not Marv. It's not Marv.

Detrick: Yeah. He's gonna lose his woman.

Travis: Nice, Marv. [laughs]

[Todd humming]

Where's The Clifford?

Should be in there.

No. No, it's a [bleep] turkey club.

You know what? I think I grabbed the wrong one.

I'm sorry-- You can have mine.

You ate my Clifford?

I told you to order The Clifford.

- Why didn't you order it? - I don't like ham.

- You just ate ham. - I thought it was turkey.

I thought it was the best, moistest turkey I ever had.

You just ate The Clifford. The Clifford is ham.

That means you don't hate ham, it means you love ham.

You know, I would ask how you get away with being so stupid

if I didn't already know.

- What does that mean? - Oh, you know what it means.

Look, I'll get you another, okay?

Yeah, right, great.

That's just another two hours.

Unless of course you'd like to sleep with the owner

and jump the line.

Is that something you would do?

I'll just have cigarettes for lunch-- again.

I told her to order The Clifford.

- [cell phone dials out] Carl: Hello, Esmeralda.

Um, hi, thank you again for last night.

But, um, I don't know how to say this.

- I'm breaking up with you. - What?

I wanted to tell you before you left for the restaurant.

I will not be there.

You know, I'm having, um... [clicks tongue]

...another date at Glass Club.

More exclusive.

- I hope you... - [call disconnects]

Esmeralda: I finally found my silver fox.

I had a phone call with him.

And now I'm not sure if it's a date

or an interview to be his night nurse.

- He has a Mercedes. - [whirring]

Sometimes, the storybooks do get it right.

[stuttering] Esmeralda, I'll get your chair for you.

- You don't have to.

[sighs] Well, I want to. [gasps]

- Thank you. - [air hisses]

- Oh, my God. Esmeralda: Marv!

Hey, Marvie!

- [Ann sighs] - Oh, lord.

How did she get in here?

Nicole: So yeah, that's it.

I felt like I needed to alert you

for the good of the company.

- I mean, I have to say... - Uh-huh.

...no one ever really complains about Lisa.

Or anyone from HR, for that matter.

I mean, I'm not saying that I hope there's

- a change in personnel... - Oh-ah...!

- Yoo-hoo! Ken: Hello.

- [Nicole sighs] - Hello.

- [laughs] - HR to the rescue.

- I got your text, what's up? - You texted her?

It felt like a bit of an HR matter.

Oh, no, what's wrong? My girl.

Ken: HR on HR. - My girlie.

Ken: Nicole has issues

with how one of her complaints was handled by you, madam.

- Okay. Ken: Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

But I actually don't think

we need to get into it.

I don't wanna rehash it

so I'm just gonna let you two figure that out.

You sit yourself down, poppet.

It can be a little awkward

when the person you're tattling on

is also handling the complaints,

but we have a list here and let's rattle through them.

Shall we start with inappropriate flirting?

Sure. Uh, can you describe the flirting?

Ken: Mm-hmm.

Mm...

No, thanks. I don't want to.

Well, was it with sexual intent?

I would assume so, yeah.

But you can't know for sure, right?

Because there's a lot of innocent workplace flirting.

Like Ken and I do it all the time.

- Not all the time. - [H.R. Lisa laughs]

Only on Tickle Tuesday. [laughs]

And it's fun and it's sexy,

- but it's not sexual. - We know where the line is.

We get bloody close to it sometimes...

H.R. Lisa: Hm. - ...but we never cross it.

That sounds incredibly inappropriate.

It's a gray area, thank God.

[H.R. Lisa chuckles]

You're gonna have to do better than that.

[cell phones ding, buzz, and chime]

[cell phone buzzes]

Mare: Well, the rumor has hit Cincinnati.

Ned: Which one? - Which one?

The old man? The quarterback?

- Or the war injury? - What?

Well, which quarterback?

I don't know, does it matter?

He threw 43 touchdowns last season?

Oh, Joe Burrow.

- Why'd you say it like that? Detrick: Ned, it's showtime.

- Uh-- I-- Okay, I gotta go. - Wait, Ned--

[dial tone]

I asked them to give you my wife's favorite table.

Ann: Oh, your wife.

How do you sneak her in? [laughs]

Sneak? She's a member. On the family plan.

Is-- Is that something new?

Uh, yes, uh... 2004?

Okay. I'll be back.

I guess just some wives aren't welcome.

Marv, there's a waiter by the bar.

He looks like he could be Jerry Seinfeld's older brother.

Roger that.

Travis: He doesn't look like a Seinfeld.

He looks like an old, skinny Gru.

Detrick: Wow, I see it. Ned: Guys, shush!

How are you? Marv.

There was a waiter, Desmond Sandoval.

- Um, Dustin would like some... Ned: Move! Move!

- [Detrick sighs] Oscar: What is she...

Why can't we hear anything?

Well, I think her body's blocking our signal.

Dustin would like to have some French fries.

Bede: Check his blood pressure twice a day.

Damnit. I'm gonna call her. Hang on.

Esmeralda: Come on, Bede, you look like a man

- that knows how important it is - [cell phone ringing, buzzing]

to eat red meat. Sorry, [laughs] just a second.

- Oh, my God. - [silences phone]

- How dare she. - There are new guidelines.

Bede: Thanks for talking to me. - Wait.

- Up is down. - Hey, hey, Marv?

Uh, we missed all that. What happened?

The waiters pool their tips.

They all miss Desmond Sandoval.

He lifted the tide for everyone.

I told you it was the union.

Ned: Okay, all right. That's all right.

That's one theory eliminated.

So now we can focus on the unions.

He also said they don't want a union.

They voted on it a couple months ago.

It was unanimously rejected.

They don't like paying dues.

No, that doesn't make any sense.

Maybe he's, um, covering for someone?

- Or-- Travis: Parsins is coming back.

Oh, man.

So, we ever gonna convince you to join?

Convince me?

Oh, I've begged your brother to get you to apply.

We like having friends in influential places.

This is our, uh, new Head of Membership.

He'll waive your fees for the first year,

if that's any inducement.

Luke never brought me up?

Nope.

Ned: Marv, Marv, Marv, ask him about the wind conditions.

- On the rooftop on the day of-- - It's over, Ned.

No, no, no, don't...

[line disconnects]

Travis: Oof... That's gotta hurt.

Poor guy. Well, at least you still have Mare, man.

[Ned sighs]

Ned: Thanks, Travis.

I was talking to Marv.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, me too.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Yep. Mm-hmm.

Are you the boss dating Mare?

- No. No, no, no. No, no, no-- Oscar: Because--

Travis: Really? - Mm-hmm.

Because that makes it sound like you are.

Not to my ear, no. I don't--

No, I don't think so. I would know.

Yeah, I think that was a direct verification.

Oscar: Mm-hmm. Travis: Yeah, you taught us

- about that. Detrick: Right.

I did. Thank you for remembering.

It's important.

- So, you are dating her? Ned: No.

- You just-- - You've got it all wrong.

- I'm not. No. You said that. Detrick: You're turning red.

- Someone else said that. - Yeah.

All right, fine. I'm going out with Mare.

All right, guys, I got a bag of Cliffords

- if anybody wants some. - Ooh, okay,

- Melania comes through. - Mm-mmm.

Look, hi,

you've obviously all heard a rumor about me today.

About me dating my old boss, right?

So I'm just gonna make it clear.

I am not sleeping with Marv. I'm not.

Yeah? What about you and Ned?

What about us?

New rumor came in about half an hour ago.

You and Ned.

And they're saying that Ned said it.

What? Why would Ned spread rumors like that?

- That doesn't-- - Maybe to shut down the Marv rumor?

Yeah. Exactly, though, that's another rumor, guys.

Yeah, but is a true rumor?

No.

There's no truth. To any of it.

Okay? Oh, by the way, I heard another rumor.

Ned's balls were clipped off in a frisbee accident.

There's another stupid story coming out of Toledo.

- Something for your NS board. Todd [laughs]: Okay, okay.

Now listen, is there really a sandwich in there?

Because if I have one more cigarette lunch,

I'm gonna lose it on your desk and chair.

And a little bit in your purse.

Yeah, yeah, calm down.

[sniffs] Mmm! [moans]

- [sighs] - [Todd hums]

- [Todd grunts] - [sighs]

...the craziest rumors have been going around.

Yeah?

You're not interested in any of the women

at the... at the office, are you?

No one new.

Not for 30 years.

- Boy, it's some view, huh? - Hm.

[Ann sighs]

- My darling. - Mm-hmm.

Tell me, tell me.

How old were your parents when they died?

Ninety-eight and nine... ninety-nine.

Well, this is a bit difficult for me

because I've been only with men for love...

- [Dustin groans] - ...never for money before.

So I'm on a learning curve.

Dustin, you know that I could come

to lay out by your pool in a bikini.

Would you appreciate that?

Not on a physical therapy day. Call the house.

Esmeralda: Here, I snuck this for you.

- They're cold. - Shh!

Carl: Well, well, well,

if it isn't Esmeralda and her new boy toy.

So, this is the guy--

this is the guy that you're leaving me for?

Dustin: Oh, no... - Please, stop it.

I'll stop it when this son of a bitch is six feet under.

- [metal clangs] - Oh, man.

- Why did this happen? Bede: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Are you all right? - I'm not sure.

Carl: I'm a loser [sighs, groans]

I think I'm good, thank you.

Okay. We will see you back at the office, boss.

- Mm-hmm. - Later, guys.

[door opens]

[door closes]

Hey, Detrick.

Does Marv look taller to you?

[Detrick clears throat]

Yeah, he does look taller.

I mean, he can't still be growing, right?

Yeah, Ann looks taller too.

Does that look to code to you?

The railing.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

[cell phone dialing out]

Come on, Marv.

Ned, let's forget this.

Ned: Hey, Marv, I want you to stand

right up against the railing, please.

- What? - Stand up against the railing

and press your thigh into it.

He wants me to press my thigh into the railing.

Ned is getting weirder.

And I want you to make a mark on your pants

at the railing's highest point, okay?

Use whatever you can find. Use butter, ketchup, whatever.

He wants me to put food on my pants.

Ann: Is he breathing hard? You know what,

- Just hang up, Marv. Ned: No, no, Marv, Marv.

I just need an exact measurement of the railing height, okay?

It doesn't look to code.

Remember Detrick's story about all the bribery

of the code inspectors? I think I know what happened.

I think it's connected. Please.

Please, just do it. Marv.

Damn it.

Wait, hold on. Oh, that's it, Marv.

- Oh, he's doing it. Ned: That's it.

- Put your finger in. Slip it in. Detrick: Yeah. Get it wet.

- Get it wet. Ned: He put his finger in.

Detrick: Oh, that's nice. Ned: Beautiful.

- Yes, yes, yes. Detrick: That's it, Marv.

- That's the way. Ned: He has to rub it all over.

- Smear it all over the place. Detrick: Rub it in, Marv.

- That's it, baby. - Beautiful, he's doing it.

- Nobody's looking at you. Ned: Now press into it.

Just like that, yes.

Detrick: Yes! - Yes! Yes!

Ned: Come on. Both: Mm...

Yeah! [sighs]

I'm gonna get 'em and bring 'em back

- so we can measure his mustard. - Yeah.

[cell phone buzzing]

[groans]

Hey. Now's really not a good time.

Hey. Hey. We got it. We did it.

I figured out what happened at the Glass Club.

Did you tell people that we're dating?

Oh.

Wow, okay. All right, that got there quick.

Jesus Christ, Ned.

Um... Okay, that wasn't supposed to happen.

[sighs] Um...

Yeah, so that was a mistake, okay?

That just sorta blurted out? And it made sense in context.

I think that you'd have said the same had you been here.

Well, I was here, and I just blurted out the opposite.

I mean, I basically had to swear on a Bible

that we're not together.

All right, well,

I mean, the good news is that

you don't have to lie anymore.

Okay? I mean, we can finally tell the truth.

Yeah, I...

I think I'm good.

You're good?

Even though it's not accurate?

I'm not actually sure that it's not accurate.

What? No.

I don't know, I'm sorry.

- I have to go. I have to go. - No.

We'll, just-- We'll talk about it later, okay?

- No, no, no. - I'll call--

We'll talk about it later.

Barry: I cooked us a little something.

Seafood platter. Freshly caught.

[wheel creaks]

[upbeat theme playing]

I know our meeting got a little off the rails,

but I do have an important follow-up question

- for you for your file. - Okay.

Now, have you ever been prescribed

any antipsychotic drugs,

or have you ever been given a diagnosis

of any type of psychosis?

No.

Bloody evenly matched.

Viking versus samurai.

Which is just an analogy,

and in my analogy, Nicole is the Viking.

So, um, you should be bloody ashamed

if you were thinking what I think you were thinking.

Lisa's the samurai. All that stuff in her hair.

Like a sumo wrestler. Well, wrong shape.

Well, right shape. But not for sumo.

What're you writing? [scoffs]

Is this a bit?

A bit? In what way? Are you asking us

if we are currently in reality or not?