Original subtitles

Dan: Yes, I love that.

Another kill for Jeanie.

All right.

Mare, what do you got?

Yeah. Um...

So I was thinking of doing a story

called "Downtown Downturn"

about how fewer people are moving downtown.

Interesting. I like it. So, what's your angle?

You know, I don't know yet.

Ah, man. I was gonna do an "I don't know yet" story

about two words that sound good together.

- "Uptown, Up Yours." - [all laugh]

- [Jeanie laughs] No. - I think this can live here.

Look, I didn't plan on being here,

but now that I am,

I just really wanna kick a tiny bit of ass.

And I'm already on the Not Satisfactory board.

I haven't felt anxiety like this since I was a kid

and they had to give me prescription deodorant.

They called me Pit Stain Pritti.

It was good times.

Ned [on phone]: How'd it go?

- It bombed. - What?

"Downtown Downturn" bombed?

So hard. - You're kidding.

That story had everything.

It had demographics. Two "D" words.

I know.

Did they assign you something else?

They don't assign stories.

You eat what you kill.

And I'm like the lion

the other lions are embarrassed to look at.

Well, I mean, if it's any consolation,

it sucks here too.

I haven't been excited about anything

since our Glass Club story died.

I just can't believe I'm gonna be fired and sent back home.

Like someone who failed to impress RuPaul.

You know what you should do? You should roar like a lion.

- Shut up. - Like the lion you are.

You should. I know you're in one of those soundproof booths.

Come on. You can't kill if you can't roar.

[meekly] Rah!

No, you gotta go louder. Come on, go for it.

[loudly roars]

[loudly roars, laughs]

That's what I'm talking about.

Are we still on for dinner tonight?

- Yeah. For sure. - Okay.

Rah--! She's gone.

We've been having dinner over FaceTime.

We call it "StuffYourFaceTime."

We try and order the same food

so we can pretend we're at the same restaurant.

But Ned likes Chinese food a lot more than I do,

so I've just been putting chicken nuggets

into a Chinese food carton.

It's working.

Best part of my day.

Our dinners.

If it weren't for StuffYourFaceTime,

I'd have no reason to live.

That came out a little darker than I intended.

But it is the only thing keeping me alive.

[theme music playing]

[sighs] All we have today is more tornado follow-up.

Adam: Mm-hmm. - Wish we'd get another tornado.

That was fun.

So, uh, yeah, so we got two deaths from the tornado.

We have a woman who drove into a ravine,

and her car filled up with water.

That's my number one fear.

And we have a guy who got blown off a roof.

My number two fear.

We got sent this press release

about the man who fell from the roof. Desmond Sandoval.

Oh.

Uh...

- It's the Glass Club? - That's where he worked.

At their rooftop restaurant downtown.

Nope. No. Nope, nope.

[laughing] Glass Club? No.

Not touching it. I learned my lesson.

I only have to get publicly humiliated

and have my girlfriend sent to another city once.

Not-- No, not doing that.

Uh, you wanna take that one?

- Uh, what, just publish this? - Obviously do your job.

Go down and confirm what happened.

But just leave me out of it, please.

Travis, you wanna go with her and get photos?

Oh, you know, I wish I could, boss, but I have cramps.

What?

I have male cramps, Ned.

And more of us men should be open about that.

It's not just a lady's game.

No. [laughing] You guys did not miss anything

the rest of tornado day.

-Absolutely nothing happened. - [wind whistling]

- Esmeralda. - [fist hits table]

Jane Doe in the ravine.

That's a good match.

Esmeralda: This is what I should write about?

A woman that dies in her little car

because she forgot how doors work?

How humiliating.

When they try to get you down, you are never down far enough.

They want you lower and lower.

And now Ned Sampson,

he's trying to put me under the sea level, you know?

Adelola: Hey. - Hey.

Some photograph of the Glass Club accident.

Ned: All right. I'll take one look.

This is just a picture of a guy power washing the sidewalk.

Yeah. That's what he was doing.

They already finished investigating?

Where's the police report?

Don't know, they said there wasn't one.

Journalists need good instincts.

But one of the most important instincts

is knowing when to not listen to your instincts.

Do I care that when someone dies there's usually a police report?

Especially when that person dies in an unusual way?

Right now, I've got a voice in my ear going, "Hey, Ned,

there is something odd going on over at the Glass Club

with that guy who fell off the roof

and the way that they cleaned it up."

But there's another even littler voice going,

"Hey, don't listen to that guy.

You've screwed up before

and if you keep going like this,

you're gonna screw up again,"

but that little voice is kind of chicken shit.

Your son really reminds me of somebody.

It's, um... [clicks tongue] It's...

Ah! It's a potato.

When are you due?

- [stammers] - [chuckles]

Hey, who's that?

Oh, that's one of the new moms

- you've been temping for. - Oh.

Yeah, she's about two and a half months

into her three-month maternity leave,

but it looks like she's thinking about coming back early.

- It's good to see you, Amanda. - Good to see you.

Would you grow up already so your mom can come back to work,

- we really need her. - [laughs]

Oh, my gosh, he is so precious.

Not at 3:00 a.m.

Oh, this age is so the sweet spot.

It's when they really get to know you.

[Amanda sighs]

Whatever face they look at from three to six months

[in baby voice] is the one that they'll listen to

when they're 14. [laughs]

Do you need your mommy?

- Do you need your mommy? - [women laugh]

- Do you... - [normally] You're so lucky

your partner's a full-time parent.

No. My husband's a firefighter.

Well, day care is fun too.

[in baby voice] Just make sure you wash those widdle hands.

Your immune system's gonna get really stwong.

[normally] Yours too.

Obviously, I'm not proud of what I just did.

But I can't leave this job without an epic story.

And that story will be my baby.

How was storm chasing?

Um... I'm actually working on a screenplay about it.

For a motion picture.

- Nice. - And I'm-- Yeah.

I'm gonna be calling it, um, Merry Twistmas.

So it's like a tornado Christmas movie.

Yeah.

- Awesome, bro. - Yeah. Exactly.

And, uh, there's two coworkers in it

that share this incredibly awkward moment,

and one of them is just not sure

how the other one feels about it.

Uh-huh. Okay.

I would just focus on the tornado and Christmas.

- Yeah? - That's, like,

the most commercial part of all of this.

Yeah. No, listen, I just need to get the details right.

So, uh, you were in a relationship at work. Right?

Yeah, I've never been in a relationship at work.

Not like a real one.

Travis: Oh, really?

We were dating. He's just gaslighting you.

He's gaslighting you, he's gaslighting me,

and Merry Twistmas is gonna bomb.

I wanna report an official office relationship.

Okay, juicy. Oh, my God. Who with?

I was in a relationship with Detrick Moore.

[laughs] Okay, nice girl.

He is cute.

Oh, but you know, you only have to report it

if it's like, a boss-employee thing.

Like if The Beast was with Belle or some--

No, if the Beast was with Mrs. Potts?

Imagine that. Kinky, weird.

I'm a person, not a teapot, okay?

Mark it as real, mark it as happened, mark it as over.

Okay, chill.

Nicole, wait. Guess what I'm thinking about now?

The Beast railing Mrs. Potts.

Thanks for that visual, right?

"Oh, Beast. Tip me over and pour me out, innit."

Nicole.

[items clatter]

- Hey. - Hey.

I have an itch that I really shouldn't scratch.

I'm gonna be recording

- this conversation. - No.

- November 15th. - No.

Male voice, Ned Sampson.

No, you don't have to do that. Listen to me.

It's about that, uh, funny old waiter,

the one that fell off that funny old roof.

I was just thinking that he must have been

pretty old and small, right,

for the wind to just pick him up like that.

- Not really. - No?

I mean, this is his family's in-memoriam page.

Let me see.

Ooh! Big fella!

He also used to salsa dance.

- Ah. That takes core strength. Ned: Yes, it does.

I think it's odd they wouldn't mention any of those details

in the press release, right?

Ned? Your curiosity isn't sparked

by some deep-seated resentment of a certain club?

- Not at all. Not at all. - Uh-huh. Okay.

- Not at all. - All right.

Not at all. Adelola,

would you please join me in the conference room?

Is this about the Glass Club?

Oscar, would you join me in the conference room, please.

- Is it about the Glass Club? Ned: No.

It's about a different topic

that I can't discuss with you out here

because it involves the F-word.

Please?

Travis, conference room.

- Is it about the Glass Club? Ned: No.

Detrick, conference room.

- Is this about the Glass Club? - No. Come-- Just--

Guys,

I may have misled you a tiny little bit.

This is about the Glass Club.

[Oscar sighs]

Esmeralda: Ned is up to something.

He's probably planning my next demotion,

I can smell it, you know?

You can't lie to this nose.

That man loves to demote single moms.

Ned: Welcome to the first meeting

of the Toledo Truth Teller Secret Team.

- Are you in? - Is this going to be

our regular meeting time?

I don't think there will be

a standard time, Oscar, right?

I should off the bat say that Wednesdays are a no-go for me.

My mom and I never miss Survivor night.

Wait, no spoilers, please.

Travis: Okay. - I'm two behind.

- No, all right, we won't-- Travis: I'm just--

- We won't do Wednesdays. - All right.

Now, we'll look at this photograph

of the Glass Club rooftop building.

Okay? Umbrellas and toupees everywhere.

Yet the only thing to get blown off

is a large nimble man.

That is odd, right? Yes?

I can't do Tuesday and Friday nights.

Well, this is just great,

I cannot do Thursdays or Mondays.

- I'll send out a Calendly later. Oscar: I can't--

Ned: Could we focus, please?

He's not letting me on his team.

I will make my own team.

So, what do you guys think?

Are you willing to pledge your life to Esmeralda's Secret Team?

Can I tell my wife?

I've never kept anything from Summer.

That's not sexy at all. You must have some mystery.

Roxanne doesn't even know what Barry's short for.

She doesn't even know where I work.

She thinks I'm a cop.

You will be on a very important mission.

Adam: Oh?

The mission of my secret team

is to find out the mission of Ned's Secret Team.

Ned's got a secret team?

Well, he must've got up pretty early in the morning

to get that by me.

I'm the eyes and ears of this place.

[Esmeralda clicks tongue]

We should have a chant.

So the sergeant confirmed

it's completely improper to power wash a crime scene.

Said it never happens and he'll check who allowed it.

- I sent him a LinkedIn, he-- - [door opening]

Ned: Okay... Ah, ah, ah! Oscar: Shh, shh, shh.

Travis: Shit.

All I wanna do is gather with a few men in secret.

What is so threatening about that?

- What am I doing here? Travis: Hey.

You guys might be asking yourself?

Well, ha, I'm not gonna tell you.

But I will say I don't feel good about it.

Ned: Oh, I actually know where we can meet.

Hang on, this'll just take a second.

We, uh, started a secret team text chain

that I call "The Sons of Hermes."

Travis changed the name.

[keypad beeping]

[sighs]

Whose place is this, man?

It is Mare's.

She gave me the door code

so I could water her plants while she's away.

Um... But unfortunately, I have been busy.

Whoa... Wait.

Do you have access to all of our apartments? Answer me.

Damn. Check out Mare off the clock.

- Body, ody-ody-ody-ah! Ned: That's...

Guys, we have to figure out what happened on that rooftop.

We know that on the day of the tornado,

the Glass Club was serving lunch.

- Yes. Oscar: Now, where's the waiter,

where's Desmond?

Oh, uh, Desmond is the deodorant.

- Okay? - Oh.

Because what happened to him is a secret. [sighs]

But is Desmond really deodorant-sized?

In real life?

I mean, like, he's stocky, he-- Like shaving cream.

- I see. - He needs more heft.

- Okay, sure... - Then maybe mayo? Maybe mayo.

- Okay. We'll say mayo. Detrick: Yeah. Okay.

Let's say that Desmond is the mayo. Now...

Oscar: That's all well and good, but here comes the weather.

- Ooh. - [blows]

The ChapStick just falls over, yet the mayonnaise is anchored.

It's not going anywhere.

Why would the mayo, and only the mayo...

fall off the roof?

Esmeralda: We must snoop.

Guys.

Everybody snoop.

Jesus, so many emails from Birkenstock.

Birkenstock? You got any coupon codes?

Hold up! He's got socks in here.

And there's a name written on them. Look up Ned Hanes.

There is no way that Adam is that stupid.

Ned has got to him.

Look at me, Barry. We are not talking.

I think that Adam is a double agent.

Oh, you have the palsy.

Roxanne has that as well.

They got to Barry too.

It's hard to blow Desmond the mayo off.

But what if Mrs. Butterworth's

and Core Power Protein decide to do, do, do.

- They pick up mayo... Ned & Travis: Yeah.

Detrick: ...and throw him off the roof.

Travis: It could be murder?

[door opens, footsteps approach]

Martin: Who the hell are you guys?

Hello.

- Um... - Okay.

How do you know Mare?

Well, I didn't know that you AirBnb'd your place.

I mean, I'm very sorry.

I'll pay you back the dates that they canceled.

Listen. I can't do StuffYourFaceTime tonight.

I need to find a story. I feel like such a loser.

No, no. They're the losers.

Why don't you just come home?

No, I'm not leaving here

until I get a story in this paper.

- And then you could leave? - Yeah.

All right. Well, you know what,

that sounds worth missing dinner for.

- So go get them, buddy. - Thanks, dude.

All right, secret team? I think this is too important,

and we need to make this work.

So I am suggesting that all of you cancel your plans,

and we'll order in dinner.

I am supposed to help my stepdad move back in tonight.

I think that your mom should do that.

Because it sounds like they need to talk. And dinner is on me.

I wasn't sure about going after the Glass Club again,

but the more I think about it,

they may have actually murdered that mayonnaise.

- This is kind of nice. - Yeah.

Pizza with the guys?

Hey, seeing as how we're a secret team,

maybe we should share some secrets.

Travis: Mm... - For bonding purposes.

- Perhaps a blood oath. - No.

- Yeah, I don't like blood. - No?

Yeah. No, I was thinking more just like

we could each go around

and reveal something secret about ourselves, you know?

For solidarity.

Yeah, I don't like blood.

[clicks tongue]

I was thinking something more...

I tried some of my birth dad's ashes.

I put them in a juice,

and I tried to absorb some of his power.

- And it didn't work. - Okay.

More like that.

[sucks air through teeth] Uh-oh, Detrick.

A visit from HR is never good.

Nicole came by my office earlier,

and she just kind of let me know

that you two had a relationship history.

Yeah, I wouldn't call that a relationship.

Okay. I knew it.

Detrick: Why's that? H.R. Lisa: I don't know,

I just see you with someone more fun.

Well, I'm not that fun. So...

Well, you need a fun and a not-fun for balance.

That's what all the books say, so...

Ah.

- I'm fun. [laughs] Detrick: I see.

Did I just inform HR Lisa that Detrick's single?

H.R. Lisa: You're such a gentleman.

The mayor says the new riverfront

will create 3,000 jobs.

Eh... N.S.

That's a press release, not a story.

All right. What else you got?

I gotta get off the Not Satisfactory board.

The what?

What you just said. The N.S. board.

Oh! No, no, no.

Those are the initials of that rookie in Toledo.

You know, the one Dan thinks is a jerk.

You probably know him.

Ned Sampson?

[laughs]

No. No, no.

I-- I don't hate anybody,

I just put up the NS board after Ned beat us

at the Ohio Journalism awards

and Marv sent me a pic with a snotty little caption

about how their budget is half ours,

and, I mean, you know what?

[bleep] that ex-TP salesman.

- Hey, for Mare? - Yeah.

Thanks so much.

Actually, hey, um...

You haven't heard of any

interesting local stories, have you?

Mmm...

Well, my brother got free tickets to the World Series.

Okay.

He's the first high school pitcher with a robotic hand.

What we're missing is a motive.

Right? All these country club dentists and car dealers,

they don't murder someone for no reason.

So, what do we know about this guy?

He was a career waiter,

worked at the Glass Club for like 100 years.

Never married, no kids.

Oscar: Maybe he was depressed. - I like that.

No, well, maybe work is enough for some people.

Oscar: Or maybe he wasn't single by choice.

He longed to meet his perfect person,

but he met a slab of concrete first.

Maybe he thought he found the right person,

but he was wrong, and she had all kinds of issues.

Or maybe he met the right person,

but the circumstances were weird,

and they couldn't acknowledge it.

He's lucky he had a job that he liked.

Work is what gives meaning

- to a man's life. - I don't know, I mean,

I'm not sure a job is more important than a person.

Like, I don't think a job can make me happier

than a person could.

What?

You're the biggest workaholic here.

You threw a 125th anniversary party,

for the job you're in love with.

All right.

What are we doing?

- Working. - Maybe the guy just fell off a roof?

- I gotta go. Oscar: Okay.

Mare would've figured this out by now.

We need her back.

Hey, uh, check your inbox.

I sent you some ideas. There's a good one

about shrinkflation in chocolate brands.

They don't use cacao anymore.

[cell phone bloops]

[cell phone pops]

So good news. Dan liked the idea.

- [laughs] Ned: Yes!

Congrats! I knew it,

I knew a superstar like you

would not be on the NS board for long.

That's amazing.

Yeah, I was a little nervous.

It was a tough room.

Okay, that one's hard to beat.

Anyone else? Anyone?

Anybody else?

Mare, how about you?

Um, yeah, the robotics team at Roger Bacon High

made a bionic hand for a disabled pitcher.

Now, he's starting and has a fastball that can touch 93.

[laughs]

Okay.

- Wow. [laughs] - Dan: Let's go, Mare.

- Yeah. Dan: Wow.

Jeanie: Oh, my God. Dan: Gimme, gimme.

- Cool. Dan: Bionic baseball, let's go.

- All right. Jeanie: That's a good one, Mare.

- Nice. - Thanks.

Jeanie: Nice one. Dan: Home run.

Todd: Okay. - [laughs]

So was it satisfying?

Extremely.

Well, I'm glad I could help.

Yeah, Ned's ideas were honestly good,

but it's not every day a bionic hand falls in your lap.

- Okay, so gr-- - [door opens]

- Hey. Oh, good, [sighs] you're here.

All right. So I spoke with a guy named Parsins,

he runs the rooftop restaurant.

He's a little condescending,

but he told me where all the VIP's sit.

These VIP's are the richest in the club.

That means they spend the most money,

and they always sit in Desmond Sandoval's section.

Therefore, all the other waiters are jealous of his tips,

and that there, people, is a motive.

Ned, you're not going to believe this.

- I've got a motive. - Detrick just told us.

What?

You found out about the unionizing?

Damn, I was so proud of myself.

What-- What unionizing?

This photograph

is from the waiter's Facebook page.

Take a look at that tattoo.

It's a union tattoo.

He was trying to unionize the wait staff

and the restaurant doesn't want that.

That's another motive.

That means this could actually be murder.

- Yes. - With the Glass Club behind it.

That means... That means I'm right.

Travis: Yeah. - Right? I have good instincts.

- Yeah. - It's murder, baby.

- [laughs] It's murder. - It's murder, baby!

[all chanting] Murder. Murder. Murder.

[all laughing] Oscar: Murder.

[all singing] ♪ Murder, murder, murder! ♪

[upbeat theme playing]

I don't trust Barry anymore.

I think he's working for Ned.

Great management is all about rooting out treachery.

Test him out, and see if he will betray me.

- Okay? - Okay.

Joseph Stalin was able to get one underling

to trick another underling into disloyalty.

To save time, I'm going to do two at once.

You know the plan?

Test him out and see if he will betray me.

- Can we talk confidentially? - Mm.

You know,

I actually wanted to talk confidentially with you.

- [laughs] That's so funny. - [laughs]

I really don't think I can trust Esmeralda.

Talk more about that.

Can you trust Esmeralda?

Not one little bit.

What should we do about it?

Would you like to betray her?

As much as you probably would.

She said you would say that.

She told me the same thing.

She stinks, man.

They both disappointed me greatly,

and they exceeded my expectations.

I don't know if I can trust them,

or they're going to kill me.