Original subtitles

[trunk opens]

Ned: Whoa. You're taking all those clothes too?

No, these are for Goodwill.

Which is also where I bought them.

Don't get rid of this one.

I like this one on you.

It's nice.

Hey.

Are you leaving?

Ned: Uh... Mare: Um... [chuckles]

Yeah, but not for a second, so...

That's okay. I'll wait.

You know, Cincinnati is gonna be

a great learning experience for you.

Yeah. Yeah. No, it's a big opportunity.

Yeah.

You wanna go around the block a few times?

No, then someone might take my spot.

Ned: Okay.

All right.

You know, you don't...

You don't have to leave...

without snacks.

- You-- you always travel... - Yeah.

- ...with snacks for the road. - No, I-- I got snacks.

- You sure? - Yeah.

- No, I'm good. - Okay.

- Great. - Yeah.

- Have a good day at work. - Yeah.

Send me a photo of you at your new desk.

[chuckles]

- I hear the Cincy office... - Okay.

...is fancy. So...

- Okay. Bye. - Bye.

[horn honks]

- Sorry. - [Mare sighs]

All good.

Bye, Sampson.

Bye, Pritti.

Well, I hate this. Absolutely hate it.

But she wanted to go.

So I'm not gonna stand in her way.

I didn't wanna go to Cincinnati.

I don't know why I said it,

but Ned didn't tell me to stay,

so I guess I'm not.

I'm sorry about lying to you guys

about our relationship.

That's... That's not what I'm about.

From now on, total honesty.

Don't tell the staff.

I'm still gonna lie to them.

[The Scrantone's "Song From The Ninth Floor" playing]

Ned: At least I got work to focus on.

Busy day.

Busy day.

Hey! How you doing? I'm Randy,

and I'm a logistics coordinator

for the Lucas County Emergency Management Bureau.

And I'm Mary Beth,

and I thought we agreed that I would lead presentations

because you're the helicopter pilot.

Tornado season has begun,

and we work to get real-time disaster info

out to the public.

Emergency alerts

have to strike the right tone.

Too alarmist, and you're the boy who cried wolf.

Not alarmist enough, and you are risking people's lives.

Randy: Mm-hmm. Mary Beth: Let's see

how the storm season goes

and if you can keep up with the other outlets.

Indeed, we can.

With the help of something

called "push notifications."

All right? This is something that only our app can do.

With this amazing technology,

we can send disaster info to people as it happens. So...

The Truth Teller is not just a newspaper.

We have an app.

We're a tech company.

If I've learned anything lately,

it's that you can't hold on to the past.

Maybe if you let it go, it'll come back on its own.

Okay. What do we think?

If we're gonna put out emergency tornado updates,

maybe we need a mascot for the app.

Something like Wee Willie Weather?

- Something-- [sighs] Nicole: No, not that.

Tornado's like a funnel, so what about Funzie?

Oh, cool, so kids could run right towards it?

Oscar: Ned, how about Windy?

Well, see, that sounds like a hurricane.

Well, it could be half-hurricane, half-tornado.

Oh, that's diverse. I like that. Good.

What's Windy's gender?

Long eyelashes could be cute.

Adam: Windy should be a boy,

and he should wear pants so we don't see his thing.

Windy doesn't have a penis. He's made of wind.

What happened to his penis?

He was born without one.

- My God. - [Ned sighs]

Nicole: Windy should be female.

Where's Mare? She'd agree.

She works at The Cincinnati Chronicle now.

- You didn't know? Oscar: We threw a party for her.

We had cake, cupcakes, charcuterie.

- It was an incredible party. Ned: Mm-hmm.

But you didn't hear from inside my office.

You mean my office.

We had cake and champagne and you didn't.

And you will never see your friend Mare again.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Hi.

I'm Mare. Today's my first day.

I, uh, just came here from the Toledo Truth Teller.

What?

Just saying I'm filling--

Wait, wait-- Hold on.

[sighs]

- Oh. Sorry. Good. - Okay, what?

I'm so sorry, I didn't realize.

I was just saying today is my first day.

So excited to be here. I'm Mare.

- That it? - Yeah.

Well, that wasn't worth it.

Hey, Mare, why don't you give us three fun facts about yourself?

[chuckling] Uh, oh, my gosh.

Putting me on the spot. Um...

Okay, I have three brothers.

[clicks tongue] Um...

I'm allergic to eggplant. And, uh...

Oh, okay, this is actually kind of fun. Um...

I did 23andMe and found out that I have more Neanderthal DNA

than 92% of the population.

Whoa. Okay. That was fun.

- Hey, great job, Mare. - Thanks.

- Uh, Jeanie? You wanna--? - Mm-hmm? Yeah, I got a tip.

Ned: Mare said she's gonna send a pic of her new desk.

But nope.

Nothing yet. [clicks tongue]

I could text her, but I'm not gonna.

It's her first day and all.

- [sighs] - [cell phone chimes]

Ooh!

"Mary Beth. Level yellow."

Okay, everybody. We are on an official tornado watch.

Now, this is going to be very hard

to cover this without Mare, but...

I'm here, boss. Got you.

Ned: Oh, my God. What--?

- Take that off. Take that off. - I can't.

I'm New Mare.

I can't live any longer in the bullpen.

I need to get my office back.

Marv listens to Ned.

And Ned clearly favors women who dress like Big Orphan Annie.

[sighs]

Everyone, I present to you Windy.

Adam: Oh. - Where's his do-rag, man?

We could not incorporate everyone's ideas.

We're on a very limited budget.

Are there any interesting stories on social yet?

A guy posted his shed getting blown away

by a microburst tornado.

How do they know it's a tornado?

Oh, good point. Why not cover it and find out?

Yeah. - And I will go

take pictures of it.

Sounds great.

- Perfect. - Okay.

Hell, bro? That was my story.

Getting scooped at my own paper.

No, Detrick, look at me.

I want you to be the new Mare.

Okay? You are Makeshift Mare.

I need you to assemble the newspaper,

and I need you to find a solid story

in case there's no tornado.

Now, does that sound good?

- Sure. - Great.

Thank you very much.

"Sounds good?" No.

"New Mare" sounds like a sitcom

that my mom used to watch that got canceled in 2014.

You know what sounds like a good show? New Ned.

No, that doesn't sound like a good show either.

[cell phone buzzes and chimes]

I'm gonna have to go to the council meeting.

- See you soon, right-- No! Esmeralda: Coming.

Absolutely not.

- Why? Ned: No.

Without Mare, you need me.

No, you'll make this all about yourself.

It's what you do. Because you're selfish.

I'm not selfish. This is so ridiculous.

This is so laughable.

I'm not trying to be mean,

but you don't work well with other people.

You can't, because you're a narcissist.

Yes, a narcissist,

who currently looks like Andy Warhol.

Sorry.

Esmeralda: A narcissist?

A loving, nice person is not a narcissist.

A mom can be a narcissist? Ha!

[laughing] I mean, when people are jealous of you,

that doesn't make you a narcissist. Okay?

Mary Beth: This is the Truth Teller.

They're being re-added for this emergency

on a provisional basis.

- We're honored to be here. - I'll bet.

Full-time, non-provisional member Salty Peanuts,

WBRT, The Bert.

What place does AM Radio have in this?

Take it easy, Mr. Peanuts. No one cares about AM Radio.

- Ouch. Randy: Hey.

[laughs]

Did you guys see that?

I just put radio in its place.

Ah. I wish I could tell Mare about it.

Maybe I'll text her.

Yeah, I'll just text her. I'm gonna text her.

Dan: As we all know, they're pouring

- a ton of money in this thing. - [cell phone buzzes]

Uh, Mare.

- Do you wanna take that one? - Yeah.

I'm so sorry, what was it?

Over-the-Rhine re-dev.

Maybe you need a hearing aid too, Wilma Flintstone.

[chuckles]

Right.

[sighs]

[gasps]

Up next, the story of a man

who says he can smell when a tornado's coming.

We introduce...

She hasn't said anything of value.

- It's just fluff. - I don't know. I'm entertained.

Shall we make popcorn?

Sorry, so it took how long to get a permit?

Two years? For a hot tub? Okay, hm, which inspector did you use?

- We get it, Detrick, - Detrick: Mm-hmm.

you're a real journalist.

Ned, should we send out an alert?

Windy is the gold standard of information.

We can't go off half-cocked.

Barry [high-pitched voice]: Half is better than nothing,

believe me.

- Who said that? Barry: I did.

[normally] I speak up for those who don't have a voice.

Okay.

[cell phone chimes]

- Hey. - Ned, is your app working?

I haven't seen any notifications.

We're just putting one together as we speak.

Yep.

Uh, stand by.

- Are you Mare? - Yeah. Hi.

Oh.

Ooh, ooh, ah, ah...

Oh, Neanderthal.

That's funny.

[chuckles]

- Well, that was mean. - Thanks.

I know those look like rocks,

but, you know, you could use them as tools

or bang them together if it makes you feel at home.

Or you could start a fire if you can.

Thanks, Todd.

Okay, I think I got what I needed.

Okay.

Uh, why are you taking that creepy-ass doll?

Because I brought it. It's my prop.

It makes the photos more interesting

if people think a little girl lived here.

What, like she died in a tornado?

No, she escaped before it hit. She just forgot it.

Or, yeah, I don't know.

Maybe it's up for interpretation.

That's what makes it poignant as hell.

- Sure. - [sighs]

- [cell phone buzzes and chimes] - All right.

Oh, look, a notification from Windy.

"Wind can be fun,

but maybe put off that jog around the park.

There's a tornado warning in effect."

- That's not alarmist, is it? - No, no, no.

That is sober messaging.

Without fearmongering.

Windy is our Lester Holt.

Ooh.

Travis: Damn, look at that sky.

I don't think these shed photos are gonna cut it.

We gotta go get the real deal.

I recently accepted that

my belief in an afterlife is performative.

And that my only real shot at immortality

would be a truly legendary, viral YouTube video.

Is my Ford Fiesta capable of storm chasing?

I have evenly distributed

four 70-pound kettlebells in the trunk,

so we might as well be anchored to the ground.

[clicks tongue]

Siri, text Mare,

"Crazy day, tornado spotted."

Worried-face emoji.

[cell phone bloops]

[cell phone buzzes and chimes]

[Mare clicks tongue] Mm...

Huh. Paleo diet. Makes sense.

Yeah, so just give him a call, ask him what his...

Excuse me, does anybody want a pen?

I have a great pen that I'm using.

I can't be the only one who needs it.

- Me? - Ah, I just thought I would ask.

It's very generous of you.

- Oh, okay. Thank you. - Okay.

You're staying.

While we are talking,

did you hear that word that Ned called me before?

"Narcissist"?

But a narcissist...

would never offer someone a pen.

I think a narcissist could offer someone a pen, theoretically,

if they thought they might benefit by doing that.

So, what would a narcissist not do, in case I meet one?

A narcissist would not

sincerely put someone else's needs in front of their own.

Okay.

I see.

How was your weekend?

Oh. Um, it was-- It was okay.

Are your parents alive or they're dead?

I'm so sorry.

- Esmeralda. - Yes?

It's humility, generally speaking.

Humility.

Yes.

- Thank you. [laughs] - Thank you. Thank you.

- Yeah. - Thank you.

Hey, if you get a picture of this tornado,

can you forward it? I wanna send it to my mom.

Does she love tornadoes?

No, she doesn't believe in them.

- [sighs] What? - What?

Okay, was it weird growing up in an anti-science household?

No, and I don't believe in them either.

It's called being skeptical.

Which is the essence of science.

So, you roasted me for believing in UFOs

while doubting the existence of wind?

I believe in wind.

I believe in high winds. I just, like,

a funnel that throws cows and picks up houses?

Okay, so, then what, what's all this?

- What happened here? - Trash, dude.

We all know we have a littering problem.

Travis: That's...

That girl is loco.

Guys?

I respect what you do,

but I can't in good conscience let you follow me.

The cameras in the car can film us.

I got this.

Save yourselves.

[engine revs]

Gloria Tornado: Folks, this tornado could have Toledo

in its crosshairs.

It's all up in the air. [laughs]

That's it? You don't know if it's coming to Toledo.

She's fearmongering for attention.

That is beneath you.

Gloria Tornado: ...for the township of Assumption

in Fulton County.

Text Mare.

The tornado might be headed for Toledo.

[cell phone bloops]

Mare, Mare, Mare.

Pencil, this side.

- Thanks. - [laughs]

Got it, though. Just erasing on purpose.

- Okay. - [cell phone buzzes and chimes]

Dan: Hey, you know, sometimes I brick my phone,

just so I can concentrate.

I can show you how. - No, I can just turn it off.

Sorry.

We're hosting the head of the Cincinnati Art Museum today

for an informal Q and A. Care to join?

That sounds great, I'd love to.

Cool. 4 p.m. in the conference room.

[camera shutter clicks]

[cell phone keys clacking]

"Windy is worried about downtown Toledo.

A tornado can snatch a healthy 165 pound man

off his... bicycle."

[cell phone beeps]

Hm.

[sighs]

Text Mare, "Did you see push notification?" Question mark.

"How are things there?" Question mark.

"As bad as here?" Question mark.

[cell phone bloops]

When she offered to go to Cincinnati,

that wasn't her breaking up with me, right?

Adelola: Wind, science.

Tornadoes, science fiction.

The Wizard of Oz is not sci-fi.

Do you think it takes place in the future?

Sci-fi doesn't have to take place in the future.

Yes, it does. - It just has to be

science and fiction.

I think we're on very different pages. Look...

Like trap doors, made up for movies.

Very real.

How do you know? Ever been through one?

No, but my ancestors have

and that's why I have an instinctual fear of them.

Nate.

You work too hard.

Get off a load, dude.

Let me humbly assist you.

Don't mind me, I'm just handling the trash for nothing.

Hold on! Alfonso.

Gotta empty my clippings.

[sighs] My God. You got a bit over me, but it's okay.

It's okay.

Ha! Look, Adam, I'm helping.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. This one's for my bottom.

- [Barry blows] - That could mean anything.

Thanks.

I am loving this.

Detrick, you see? You know, maybe I'm greedy.

When handling trash is your reward,

you just don't want to stop this.

Hey! Acknowledge me.

Oscar, look at me!

What would your death row meal be?

- Well, was I rightfully accused? - Yes.

Okay, then, probably a cold cup of broth.

Or gruel is fine, because I wouldn't deserve better.

Okay, we keep driving at it, but it's not moving.

You know, in boats if a boat is not moving,

it means it's coming right at you.

Yeah, so let's maybe turn around.

Wow. Look at that. Jesus Christ.

What the [bleep]?

Can we turn around?

- Yeah, we probably should. - Yeah.

Unfortunately, I'm built different

and I have to go towards it.

The only way out is through.

I don't wanna go through the eye of the tornado.

Then you shouldn't have gotten in my Ford Fiesta.

Oscar: Thanks for checking in. We're all safe here.

It's not nearby.

And I'm in a massive stone building.

[chuckling] Sure, like the pyramids.

Love you, bud.

My friend Kevin just checking to see I was okay.

Oh. That's great.

Must be nice to have people who care about you.

Yeah.

- [sighs] - [cell phone keys clacking]

"The city is circled by tornadoes. No way out.

If there is someone that you love in Toledo,

now is the time to tell them."

[cell phone beeps]

- [cell phone chimes] - Yeah?

Ned, what the hell was that last update?

The paper is worse than irrelevant,

Windy is completely unhinged,

and he's panicking people.

She. She is panicking people, Mary Beth.

- What? - I've thought it over,

and I have decided that Windy is a woman.

[cell phone chiming]

- Yeah? - Ned, I'm worried about you.

Worry about yourself, Randy.

You're the one FaceTiming me

while you're piloting a [bleep] helicopter.

Sorry. It's just-- It's a stressful day.

I'm worried about your safety.

- You're blowing this, bro. - I know.

Tell me what to do.

Windy had to take a mental health break.

So we had to find a replacement graphic.

Luckily, we had someone that was already a trusted figure,

someone with real gravitas.

[wind howling]

[pounding on door]

Please, open the door.

I'm a lonely woman in a hurry, here!

Ah! Are you insane?

I need to ask you something really important.

Go home!

Am I a selfish person?

What?

Am I a narcissist?

Two hundred dollars.

Okay. Channel-- Channel the truth.

I'm getting...

No.

Oh, thank you!

- I knew it! [sighs] - Come in. Get out of this wind.

Is your son safe?

I don't know, I think so

because the school is made of bricks.

- Oh, my God. Okay. - We're okay.

- We're not okay. I think... - We're fine.

- We're getting too close. - No.

- Turn around. - We're fine.

- Turn the car around. - Calm...

- Travis, turn around! - Okay, okay, okay!

- [brakes squeal] - God.

- [whimpers] - God.

[sighs] Why have you stopped? [pants]

We are not gonna outrun this. Get out. Get in the ditch.

- What? - Get out of the--

- Adelola, get out of the car. - Oh, my God.

[Adelola whimpering]

Adelola: Getting in the ditch.

Where are you?

- Travis! - Keep down, keep down, Adelola.

Adelola: Come on. - [both sigh]

What is this?

Travis: We're gonna be fine.

- Adelola: What? - Do not worry.

[Adelola sighs]

Adelola. Look at me.

- Oh, don't worry. Adelola: Oh, God.

- Pardon me. Sorry, Adelola. - Where are you going man?

- I'm sorry. Oh, my God. - Okay.

- Oh, God. Oh, God. - Are you okay?

- [sighs] - Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh!

- Oh, shit. - [both groaning]

Here we go.

[wind howling]

Hey Siri, call Randy, helicopter pilot. Ah...

- Hello? - Hey, Randy.

I'm on the roof of the Truth Teller.

- How can I help? - It's not safe

for me to fly in the city, where's the tornado?

- Oh, my God! - What? What do you see?

I just saw a bird fly into a building.

Ned, the tornado.

Wait, wait, I see a funnel

over by Jamie Farr Park,

but it's headed away from us over the lake.

Hey, that's Detroit's problem now. Ha, ha!

- Good reporting, Ned. - Thanks, man.

You made a difference.

Okay, hey, I gotta bring this chopper back to Cincinnati.

Wait, wait, Randy, Randy.

Could you do me a teeny favor?

And so we're excited

about this Louis Kronberg exhibit.

He was an American protégé of Degas.

It's a milestone exhibition for us.

Are there any questions?

[in gruff, deep voice] Me want know, do you have cave painting?

- [laughing] - Me like cave painting.

- [all laugh] - Why you laugh?

Me want cave painting.

Oh, now you can hear.

[in normal voice] Sorry.

It's an in--

It's an inside joke in the office. [laughs]

Are your family from Cincinnati?

[helicopter blades whirring]

My girlfriend works for the Chronicle.

- It's her first day. - Oh, okay.

So, you're surprising her, huh? That's sweet.

No, I asked her to send me a picture of her new desk

and she didn't.

- [breathes deeply] - Yeah.

- You're gonna be okay. Okay? - Yeah.

You wanna get a beer sometime or...?

I'll see you later.

Yeah.

Thanks.

[Ned sighs]

Ned: What am I doing?

[helicopter blades whirring]

No, uh, wait. Hey! Hey, wait! Randy!

[upbeat theme playing]

[cell phone buzzes]

Hello?

Mare: Hey, are you okay?

I just saw the tornado warning.

Oh. Um...

Yeah, you didn't see my text?

Not yet, I just figured I'd call you first.

I'm so sorry, today's been insane.

That's all right. You know, maybe just delete them.

And could you say the same thing to your dad?

I sent him a bunch too.

Today was just nuts. [sighs]

[chuckling] Okay. Do you have a minute to tell me about it?

I have about four hours.

But, honestly, I'd rather hear about your day.

[keyboard clacking]

Hey, I was looking at tomorrow's paper.

- That picture of the shed... - [elevator dinging softly]

...on the front page was a good get.

- Thank you. - And that dirty doll.

Nice touch.

But you know what I thought was just excellent?

What?

Your article.

[elevator dings, doors creak open]

- Thank you. - Goodnight, kid.

Goodnight.

Hm.