Original subtitles

Okay. She's not getting away this time.

Mare: Esmeralda's worked here for eight years

and has never taken the mandatory HR training.

Okay. This is sanctioned, right?

I won't get in trouble since this is for HR.

Oh, um... Well, I can't guarantee that.

- [elevator bell dings] - Okay, guys, look alive.

Ciao, I... [shouts]

HR demon.

No running. There's no running in the office.

Blonde Satan. You don't catch me, I'm too fast.

- Stop that. - You will never have me.

Ha!

- [Esmeralda screams] - [locks click]

What a dirty trick.

This is completely unsportsmanlike.

For those of you in the office who think this is extreme,

I want you to know that

I sent a lot of emails before it came to this.

Esmeralda: They can imprison my little body,

but not my spirit.

[The Scrantone's "Song From The Ninth Floor" playing]

[both imitating trumpet fanfare]

It's the newspaper's 125th anniversary.

Looking good for 125.

Ned: We have such a great day planned for the old rag.

We've got some antique pieces on display.

And Mare here got the old printing press

- back up and running. - Mare: Oh.

And Ned tracked down some former TTT paperboys

and they're actually gonna deliver the papers.

It's a publicity stunt, but I think we've earned it.

I know, but a bunch of news outlets

are covering the day, so...

I don't know, if we go viral, who knows?

Yeah. Either way, it's nice to be

subjects of the story for a change.

Remind everybody that

newspapers still matter in today's world.

- How's it looking? - So good.

Whoop!

You know, a couple apologies

to add into some of the older articles.

A little bit of context needed.

I don't think we need to whitewash the past.

History is history. Oh, my God. That's 1972?

Reporters arriving in 15.

- How cool is this? - Mm.

Happy anniversary to us.

Adam. Happy anniversary to us.

Adam: Happy anniversary, bud.

Ned.

Happy anniversary to us.

Marv: Wow.

Would you look at this.

Hey. Happy anniversary to us.

Well, you don't expect that at work. Heh.

There she is.

Here I am.

My job today is to show what news could be

125 years from now.

I had some ideas that I liked.

But then Marv had an idea, and that idea was "hologram."

Uh, that's it.

He said the word "hologram", and it's on me

to figure out what that could mean.

Now, all I need you guys to do

is just watch a few of these videos,

and then I can simply check a box on your HR file

that says you completed the training.

Esmeralda: HR training is like a tax

that you have to pay to work indoors.

But I don't pay taxes.

I mean... [chuckles]

...of course I pay taxes.

Of course. Yeah, I pay them.

They're so high. But you have to pay.

But you guys, this is gonna be so fun.

I just have to say you were in here, okay?

You can chat with your neighbor, you can nap.

I don't care. I'm not a cop.

I hate cops.

Boo! Get out of here. We're partying.

So you can do whatever you want.

Hell, you can even have a drink, and I don't care.

Oh, my God. Except for you, Carl. Sorry.

I know you're an alcoholic.

- I'm so-- I'm sorry. - Oh, it's fine.

You know, I haven't had a drink in eight years.

But, uh, it's good to know it's still in my file.

Okay. Very cool, see? That's the party spirit.

Okay. I will see you in four hours.

- Narrator: The purpose of this... - All right. Have fun. [laughs]

I'm gonna be locking the door from the outside.

- Narrator: Let's take a look at a few examples. - [door closes, lock clicks]

Let me help you with that.

- [buzzer sounds] - [imitates buzzer]

- What did... - And what?

- Where is the sexual part of the harassment? - [laughs]

- Right? - ...by invading Helen's personal space

without her consent.

Brothers and sisters of the press.

Welcome to the Toledo Truth Teller newsroom.

Let me show you around.

We invented this sort of guerrilla,

all-hands-on-deck style,

where every employee is actually a citizen reporter.

Jeanie Deaver from The Chronicle.

Congrats on 125, Ned.

- That's a fantastic accomplishment. - Thank you, Jeanie.

Question. So, they are reporters, and also accountants?

- Yes. - And which one do you think you're better at?

- Um-- Boss, you want to take this one? - Ned: Yes.

In Adam's case, I would say that his level of expertise

is the same in both capacities.

Okay. Over here,

we have another accountant slash journalist

working with our delivery driver slash photographer

on a well-researched piece about a local councilwoman.

If everyone's got a glass, here is a toast.

To preserving journalism's future by protecting its past.

Together, you and I can fix America.

Whoo!

♪ The Truth Teller today is her ♪

♪ One hundred twenty-fifth birthday ♪

♪ It's no mystery ♪

♪ She's the first draft Of history ♪

- They're kind of good. - ♪ That's why We're throwing her... ♪

Can you take out that reflection?

There's no reflection.

That thing there. It's distracting.

Is it, like, gunk on the window, or...

Oh, my, my.

Adelola: What am I looking at here?

Travis: Well, I can't say with total certainty,

but to the best of my knowledge,

this is photographic evidence of extraterrestrial life

accidentally taken by me, Travis Jason Bienlien,

at 9:03 a.m. this morning.

Well, first, it was Baron von Digit.

So that I-- Excuse me. Excuse me.

Bennett.

- Oscar, hey. - Hi.

- How are you? - I'm good.

Oscar: So, Ned asked me

to go to the retirement home

and coax the old paperboys

into participating.

A little offended at first. Light ageism.

But you know what? It's a nice place.

And I met this fine young competent administrator

who works there named Bennett.

When I saw him today,

he remembered me, I remembered him.

An impression was made by both parties.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hey, the paperboys.

From the Truth Teller's heyday before child labor laws.

Child labor laws that I fully support.

We haven't actually got the printer going yet.

You guys are super early.

Is that just because they're old?

- Or-- - ♪ Stereotype... ♪

- That is the reason though, yes. - Well...

Okay. Can we just keep them away from the reporters

until it's time for them to ride their bikes?

Which...

Can they still do that?

Oh, absolutely. They love their trikes.

- Trikes. - Sorry. Did you say trikes?

- Tricycles. - Tricycles.

They need the third wheel there.

Otherwise, they'll fall over and get injured badly.

Okay.

I know that man. He used to bully me in school.

Prick. This guy. Yeah.

Looks like he's had shingles for the last 30 years.

I am absolutely delighted how things turned out for him.

Deliver your paper, Sherwood.

- Would you like some coffee, sir? - What?

Beautiful.

I don't think you have to lose the article.

I would just tack on another paragraph

about how there was also a spaceship.

You guys are unbelievably stupid.

Listen, our only hope of achieving clarity is to go back

and try to recreate this image somehow.

- It's our only hope. - Thank you.

Jeanie Deaver. Cincy Chronicle.

- Hi. - Hey.

Mare. I know who you are.

I loved your series on online gambling addiction in teen boys.

Thanks. It's always best to start a conversation

with a nice kiss-assy comment.

So, um, I can't believe you're here covering us.

Half our newsroom is on maternity leave,

so we're a skeleton crew.

Dang. What's in the water down there? Heh.

- Sorry. You covered that too. It was lead, right? - Mm-hm.

Anyway, your boss...

Is he always like this or is this just an act for today?

Oh, no, this is Ned. Yeah.

Super optimistic about the future

and super sentimental about the past.

The kind of guy you want in a foxhole with you.

Oysters, everybody.

- Oysters. [bleep] - [juice spilling]

All the staff at Twining Meadows are obsessed with Mr. Digit.

- Okay, that's ridiculous. - Honest.

I mean, like, if in 15 to 20 years,

you're looking for a retirement home,

you'd literally be, like, a celebrity there.

Okay, I-I am of age.

Stop. We're 60-plus.

I'm 62.

Okay, I'm gagged.

How do you look this good? I mean, like...

Detrick: Oscar's acting strange.

I think he's flirting.

I have a sixth sense for these things.

The flirting. Not the Bruce Willis movie.

Although I can tell when people are dead too.

Marv: Hey, everyone. Today, we celebrate the past.

But I'm happy to announce I recently promoted

a visionary young woman

who's gonna tell us all about the future.

This kid is truly space-age.

The Truth Teller's own Nicole Lee.

- [light applause] - [music playing]

Nicole: The year is 2151.

We can't predict how we'll get our news.

Or if we'll still have crops or air.

Or if the Cleveland Browns

will have found a franchise quarterback yet.

But we do know one thing. Holograms.

This is the best hologram I've seen in years.

Ann: Marv is so passionate about holograms.

The way I am about...

gnomes. [chuckles]

Nicole: I never figured out how to incorporate

an actual hologram

in the hologram part of the hologram presentation.

But my boss liked it.

And that's what matters, more than my peers

or myself or my dignity.

Okay. What does the manual say?

If the jam persists, we dial

the number for the manufacturer.

But I think the number is out of service.

How do you know, you haven't tried calling?

Because it's four numbers and two letters.

Ned: How's it going down here?

Mare: I mean, we just got her working,

but I think we should do this, like, now.

- Before it breaks again. - Oh.

- Where's your printer's devil costume?

Oh, I-I just didn't want to get it dirty.

It's supposed to get dirty.

What?

Okay. This is obviously just a taste, but...

Yes. Yes!

- Really? - That's the ticket. Yes! I love it.

- Thanks. - Ned: Um...

Can I check out the inking system?

- Uh, yeah, uhm-- It's back here. - Yeah. Thanks.

Oh, man, that's so much ink.

That's amazing.

- God, you look so hot. - Thanks, mister.

Call me Scotty.

- Don't make it weird. - Okay.

Narrator: Mary and George are dating.

There are pet store iguanas with more chemistry than this.

I mean, if this is so consensual, show us your sex.

No? They're treating us like children.

- [buzzer sounds] - Come on, that gets an X?

That's how my grandma kisses me.

[laughs]

Yes, Carl. Oh, my God. Guys, you know, I love us.

This is like HR Breakfast Club.

I think

that we should make the HR videos,

the kind of thing we'd want to watch.

Who knows about harassment more than me,

a sexy, beautiful woman?

So let's do it. For us, by us. FUBU.

That is not what FUBU is for.

Oh, come on. The principal.

Here it is, the Breakfast Club principal.

Let's do it.

I'm sorry to say this.

And I'm not sure that we have this type of relationship yet.

You're getting worked.

By who? Bennett?

He's gonna get you in his old folks home.

- Oh, please. - Look,

it's not uncommon for people your age

- to get exploited. - [scoffs]

It happened to my mom. A guy named Brad.

We used to do puzzles together.

He used to find the edge pieces so fast

that I was blinded by it.

He ended up having five different identities,

and he coerced my mom into signing

some bogus investment properties in Iowa.

I'm really sorry that happened.

- Mm-hm. - But how hot is your mom?

Is she hotter than me?

Because if she isn't,

I feel like it's a different thing.

[sighs]

Now, take her in your arms.

Consensually.

Yes. Yes. Go, go, go.

More, more, more. Touch her bosom.

Should I teach you everything?

Put your hand like this, like a cup.

Look, take your hand, yes. And you put it here.

- I'm so sorry. - Oh, my God. Allora.

Guys, we are making art.

But at the same time,

we are also fulfilling our corporate HR training.

This is a big responsibility. Now. Boobs.

- Ned: Hey. Printer's devil. - Yes, sir.

Fire up the press.

Mare: Firing up the press.

[clanking]

Ned: It's so important to have respect for the past.

My dad abandoned my family when I was only 35 years old.

But I still love so many things from his generation.

Printing presses, high-paying factory jobs,

and good old-fashioned journalism is one of them.

Behold.

An actual newspaper printed on a Goss Community Press.

The way God and Gutenberg intended.

Wow. Can you tell us

how much this day cost all together?

That's-- I won't-- No.

It's rude to ask the host how much the party costs.

- Yeah. - Next question. Yes.

Money matters, though, since you claim to be

one of the very few modern newspapers

still financially feasible.

- Okay. I-- - Yeah, the oyster budget is relevant.

All right, well, they were Kirkland oysters. Okay?

Leftover from my uncle's birthday last week.

The only cost was Fedex-ing them here from Oklahoma.

Does that make you feel better?

What was supposed to be a party

celebrating 125 years

felt more like a funeral

here at the Toledo Truth Teller.

TTT's editor-in-chief, Ned Sampson, said...

I can fix America.

- With what, hon? - A Goss Community Press.

Yeah, that should do it.

She misquoted me.

You did say that verbatim.

Yes, but she made it negative.

She filmed me vertically to make fun of my suspenders,

but none of that's gonna matter

when our paperboy stunt goes viral.

Hey. We all ready to ride, boys? Hope you've been stretching.

Doc told me not to stretch.

He said I'd hear a snap and that'd be it.

Hey. Are you sure you want to go through with this?

Of course. We need the photo op.

Do we though?

Old men, to me.

So I'm going to give the free trial week

at Twining Meadows a shot.

Cute. We're gonna have so much fun.

Not so fast, Jezebel.

- What are you doing? - I'm not doing--

Little guy's stronger than I thought.

What are you doing? Why are you cockblocking me?

Look, I'm your friend. I'm not cockblocking you.

I'm cock-protecting you.

My cock doesn't need protection.

All cocks need protection. Be smart, be safe.

I appreciate it. Mind your own business.

I'm not the one being worked here.

If anything, I'm working him.

I'm having my kitchen cabinets redone.

Now, I have a free place to stay for a week.

By myself or not by myself.

Adelola: Hi again, Councilwoman.

I'm afraid that my photos didn't come out.

What do you mean, didn't come out? You took so many.

Yeah. How much do you know about the gears in a camera?

- Cameras have gears? - Travis: Yes, they do.

And I apparently shot you in reverse.

Fine. Just start.

Just stand right by the window, exactly where you were before.

- That's good, yeah. - Right.

- Mm-hm. - Stay right there. Don't move.

- Yeah, yeah. - [shutter clicking]

You each have your route.

Now, go. Start spreading the news!

Maybe we should've started them at the top of the hill.

- Yeah. - [bicycle bell rings]

Oh, God. Go around it.

Come on. Go around it.

Possible title: Deluded editor

debases self at TTT funeral party.

Yeah. So Grand Rapids is definitely

gonna do a hit piece on Ned.

Ned: No, don't stop because he stopped.

That one's headed towards traffic.

Oh, Jesus.

Baby. You know in your heart that I would never do business

with a client that I had priors with.

You gotta forgive my sins, baby.

What I was trying to say with my film,

Award Contracts Fairly,

is about the human inability

to cross the gulf between men and women.

Oh, my God. Matthew, you are a camera operator now.

- Oh, what-- - Okay, keep rolling. Keep rolling.

- Howard! - Jennifer.

I gave you my little sexy body

so Gerald could win that contract.

You're twisting my words. I said I would try.

While you were holding these. Do you remember them?

- They remember you. - You're so good at this.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Those breasts used to talk to me.

They told me that I was the man I wanted to be.

- [door opens] - Now they're laughing at me.

I brought treats. What the [bleep] is going on?

FUBU.

Um, okay, HR training is done.

Everyone can get dressed

and put your shirts and your pants on.

You did it. Awesome. Congrats.

And you're all done. Except for you.

- You're coming back tomorrow. - Of course. I work here.

I need to ask you something. A favor, really.

Okay. Shoot.

Look, Ned is so proud of this paper.

And I know, obviously, he went a little far today.

But I mean, The Grand Rapids Liberator is--

- Our sister paper. - They're doing a piece

that's gonna make Ned look like an idiot.

I really, really, don't think we should let them run it.

You want to kill it.

[scoffs] I mean, I don't have a sister,

but if I did and she was being a bitch, I'd be like, "Stop."

[sighs]

I think we should call in Ned.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm about to get fired.

What, no spaceship?

I suspect they have, like, a masking technology.

Mm. How would you know

if they were using masking technology?

Well, I mean, you'd have to do some infrared tests, probably.

Mm. I mean, by that analogy, I could be masking right now.

- What if I was an alien? - Travis: I hope you know you could trust me

and wouldn't have to mask around me.

Adelola: I don't know. I'd have to talk to the mothership.

- Hey. - Take a seat, Ned.

Sure.

I've been getting a lot of heat

on this Glass Club crusade.

Good. Means we're rattling the right cages.

It's the wrong cage, Ned. I'm killing the story.

I don't think I follow.

A lot of our advertisers are Glass Club members.

I've been holding the line,

but since Mare thinks it's ethical

to kill a negative story on us, I--

Oh, wait, wait. No, no.

I was just trying to kill the Grand Rapids piece.

The hit piece.

What hit piece?

Mare: The Liberator is working on a story

that paints you as a fool stuck in the past.

Covered in oyster juice.

All right. And you...

You came to Marv to kill a story about me?

I didn't ask you to do that. You don't need-- Why'd you do that?

- Mare: Because I was doing damage control. - Damage control? Okay.

Today's not going that badly.

Let's see how many old men died on trikes

- before we say that. - None of them died. They're all fine.

- Are you sure? - Mo-- Most of them are fine.

- What are you doing? - Marv: Hey, hey, hey.

I know you two are dating.

Ann: Hey, Marv, you want the door open or closed?

We're good, Ann.

HR reported it to me.

It's company protocol.

Mare: Who would say crap like that to HR?

Tell me. No, tell me.

I seriously want to know what asshole is spreading rumors

about me and my boss to HR.

- And honestly, why you would believe that. - I told them.

You told HR?

Ned: I had to. I'm your boss. So...

Mare: We said we weren't going to tell anybody.

I know. I told them to protect both of us.

Yeah, no, that really worked. Are you kidding?

Can we not do this in front of everyone, please?

Marv, I think that you are making a mistake

with the Glass Club thing.

We're just getting started. We can turn this ship around.

Let me talk to the advertisers. We'll get them back onboard.

It's gonna be-- It's gonna be great.

Marv: Ned, I can't tell advertisers

our integrity is non-negotiable

when the editor's girlfriend is killing negative stories.

I'm sorry, Ned.

I, uh-- You know, I heard that the Cincy Chronicle

has a ton of reporters on maternity leave.

I could go work out of their office for a while.

Marv: Might be a good idea.

Allow things to cool off around here.

Okay.

If that's what you want.

Marv: I'm sure Dan could use the help.

Okay, thank you.

[door opens]

Mare. Mare.

[The Scrantone's "Song From The Ninth Floor" plays]

- Hey. - Hi.

Well, that was fun the other day, huh?

It was fun, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Would you maybe want to get a coffee tonight after work?

You know, like, if you're free?

A late coffee?

Oh, because you are a drunk.

I appreciate a man that can't control himself.

- Oh? - [giggles]

- Let's do late coffee. - Okay.

[The Scrantone's "Song From The Ninth Floor" playing]