Original subtitles

Matteo, my son, he loves Halloween,

and we were told we must see the haunted house on Rose Street.

- Ready? Okay. - Yeah.

Esmeralda: I took him, and it was the worst

haunted house in Toledo, if not the entire planet.

Okay.

Nothing was scary.

Nothing.

"Evacuation plan." Get ready to run away.

- "Slippery when wet." - [door closes]

Oh, look, the giant. A giant.

There was one jump scare in the evil vegetarian kitchen.

- [knife chops] - Aah!

But at least they saved the best for last.

Oh, finally. Frankenstein's laboratory.

Are you ready for this?

Yeah!

Hey!

They couldn't afford the costume,

so they put Frankenstein in a tub.

Scary? Not.

But more nudity than I expected.

He was stitched together from dead people.

Triple bypass.

Matteo is a genius.

He put it perfectly.

"Mom, this is the halfway house."

I said, "Amore, yes, halfway between scary and a rip-off."

In fact, I decided to write a review.

"What to Fear at the Haunted House on Rose Street?

Nothing."

- Hey, B. - Huh?

Can you please clean it up for me

- and put it online? Thank you. - Mm-hm.

Esmeralda's a good writer,

but she makes spelling mistakes, coming from Norway.

All right. This baby's ready to go.

[The Scrantone's "Song From The Ninth Floor" playing]

- Just a little drop will do. - [phone buzzing]

Oh, my God. Detrick! Travis!

The cop from the bar just wrote back. My office, ASAP.

Ned: Last week we went out for margaritas

and urgent care nurses,

but I found something even better.

A cop.

So I said to him,

"We should hang out sometime."

And he just got back, "How's today?"

- Mmm. - So, what do I say?

- How about yes? - Do you wanna hang out?

Yes. We desperately need a source at the police station.

But it's just happening so fast. I don't know how to... Um...

All right, I'm just gonna say yes. Yes.

Or no. Maybe I just like his text?

- Yeah. - He can't hear this.

- No. - Can he?

- Okay. - I don't think so.

Well, "Sick, dude."

- Perfect. - And crying-eyes emoji.

- No? No? - No, no, no, lose the emoji. No emoji.

- No emoji. - Why?

People love emojis, I thought.

- Well, I don't think cops love emojis. - [Ned sighs]

You gotta text with your balls, Ned. Just do it sloppy.

Oh, uh, yeah.

- "Maybe a ride-along or some shit." - Yeah.

- Mm-hm. - Yeah. - Sloppy.

- Yeah? - He's typing.

- Typing. - Typing.

"Did you go to college?"

Too sloppy.

Shoot. Yup.

I'm just busy. I just say I'm busy.

- Just be honest. - Sent.

- Okay. Okay. - Mm-hm. - And now?

- "Gun range in one hour." - Nice.

- Ooh! - Okay. There you go. - There you go.

Sweet. "Okay to bring my crew?"

- Yes, yes? - Travis: You want us to come?

- Yeah if you would like. Yes. - Sure.

- Thumbs up. [laughing] Oh! - Nice, man.

Good job, Ned.

It is a date. Heart eyes.

- No, no, no. - No?

No. No.

Hey, guys. Don't forget ear plugs.

[imitating gunfire]

- Hey, I'm coming too. - Awesome.

People aren't going to shoot guns

during work hours without me.

Nicole: I still don't know why Mare lied last week.

You'd only lie to your best friend

if you didn't wanna hurt their feelings

or if you recently became addicted to drugs.

- Hey, dork. - Hey.

Yesterday, I found a coffee can under your car.

Guess what was in it? A thousand dollars.

- No way. That's amazing. - Yeah.

It's free money. You can have 500.

No, Nicole, that's your money.

- You sure? - Yeah.

You can spend it on anything. Nobody would know.

Uh, no thanks. Look, can we talk about this later? I gotta go.

- Later, dork. Bye. - Bye. Hey, Trav?

- Pew! - I'm obviously relieved

she doesn't have a drug problem. [chuckles]

But since there's only one other thing

she would keep secret from me,

I think it's pretty obvious what's happening.

Mare has a new best friend.

I wonder who she could be.

All right, remember, the paper needs the police.

We need them. We feed off their tips like a parasitic...

What's more noble than a parasitic worm?

- An eagle? - Yes. Like parasitic eagles.

So I will be saying certain things to them

to make sure that they like us.

So just play along.

[Ned breathes deeply]

- Using notes. - Budweiser.

Perps.

Three fifty-seven.

Coors. Coors.

Oh, they got snacks.

Jalapeño garbage pail fries with monkey sauce. Ew.

- I bet they use seed oils. - Ned: Oh, that reminds me.

There is a brutal takedown of Guy Fieri's restaurant

in the New York Times. It is an iconic review.

- Coors. Coors. Buffalo Wild Wings. - Hey, Ned.

Hey. Hank. How you doing?

- Good. - Good to see you.

This here is Detrick, this is Travis.

This little shorty here is Mare. She's cool.

- This your first time, Mare? - Hell, no.

Three years in the 68th Armored.

- Oh-ho-ho! Wow. - Wow.

Thanks for your service.

Mare here has popped more caps than a milliner.

- Jesus, Ned. - It's a hat-maker.

You guys want some snacks?

You gotta try the garbage pail fries.

Do you know if they use seed oil?

- Shut up, Lisa. Ha-ha. - Ow! Shit.

Garbage pail's right here, am I right?

- Load them in. - [cops laughing]

So you guys have any crossbows?

- No. - [scoffs]

For real? Look, I'll just take that pistol.

Hank: So how long have you worked at a paper?

You ever think about radio news?

I mean, radio's better than paper, right?

Radio's, uh, pretty cool, especially classic rock.

The Eagles, am I right?

The thing about news is,

you're only as good as your sources.

Well, fair's fair.

I mean, if a guy slips you

something good off the record

and you make him look good and he gets a promotion,

well, you get better stuff next time.

- Mm-hm. - Couldn't agree more. - Oh, yeah.

And you'd never show body cam footage, right?

Shut the [bleep] up, Bobby.

Body cams are a great tool for accountability.

- Yep. - What are you shooting, Mare?

Desert Eagle.

I know it's not the most practical,

but I can't help myself.

You can handle the kick?

Easy, Bobby. Keep it in your pants.

Bobby, why don't you go check on the car?

Humiliating.

Sorry about that, guys. Dayton transfer.

Dayton. I should have guessed with that face.

[Ned & Hank chuckling]

- Hey. Let's light these up. - Let's rain some lead.

- Yeah. - All right. Come on.

Crushing it.

Nice, nice.

[Detrick chuckling]

I'm bringing cases on all you bitches, huh?

Oh, oh!

- King Kong ain't got shit on me. - Detrick? Detrick. Just--

- Come on. - Oh.

[whispers] King Kong ain't got shit on me.

- Travis: Damn. - Detrick: Dang.

- Ned: Mm! - Travis: Wow!

Hank. [tapping]

First Amendment, Second Amendment, best of friends.

[Ned screams]

- What was that? - Edwin: That was you.

Unless there's a second-grade girl behind you.

No, what...? What bit me?

- What? - Something just bit me on the ankle.

Jesus Christ.

- What? Like a snake? - [stammering]

Get your head out of your ass, Bobby.

It wasn't a snake. This is a gun range. It was like a rat.

A fricking rat just ran out and bit my ankle,

just when I was shooting my pistol.

- A rat? - Yes. Goddamn it. I hate rats.

- Ned? Ned. - [door opens]

- It bit you? - Ned: Did you see it?

Mare: No. Are...?

- Damn it. - Can I just see--? Okay.

Okay. Let's just...

[Ned groans]

[Ned yelps]

Ned, are you okay?

Ned: Goddamn it. It broke the skin. Shit.

[Ned groans]

Hey.

It was definitely a rat.

It was a brown rat. It bit me and ran off.

- Where? - I don't know, Hank. The rat hole?

Damn it, Ephraim, do we really have freaking rats here?

I hate rats.

[in Greek]

Can you show us where it got you?

No, no, no, 'cause it's...

- No, we need to see. - Sure.

It's not a big deal. [groans] I'll live.

- Detrick: Ugh! - Mare: Oh, my God. Ned, you're bleeding.

- Gnarly, man. - Yep, vicious little bastard.

Hey. Don't worry, man. When we catch it,

you can blow it away.

It would be my pleasure, Hank.

- Oscar: Hey, Esmeralda. - Yes?

Your piece on the Rose Street House

is something else. I'm actually moved.

Esmeralda: Everyone is talking about my review

of the Halloween House, you know?

[sighs] It's a sensation.

"Thank you for writing this. These people aren't monsters."

I know, they're not. That's why it's lame.

"Finally, an article from you that didn't suck."

Someone gets it.

Nicole: If Mare thinks she can drop me

as her best friend,

she should know that it's gonna be

a very soft landing.

I had a different best friend before Mare.

I can just go back to her.

Hey, Lola. Free for lunch?

You got a lot of nerve coming back here.

- Nicole: I know. - Oscar: No, no.

I-I do not get involved with the lives of my coworkers, period.

But things between Adelola and Nicole haven't been the same

since Nicole and Mare became best friends.

Also, Nicole's college friend Krysta

was talking shit about Adelola,

and Nicole did not have her back.

[chuckles] So...

I guess you forgot I like the ones

that you can peel apart.

- Oh. - Oscar: I like to call it

The Real Single Ladies of Toledo.

Kimberly: If you don't know the backstory,

these guys were hot and heavy lunch buds.

Then Mare gets hired, for a while it's a three-way.

Until one day, Mare shows up with only two boba teas

and Adelola, she gets left out.

It was brutal.

You're a fan too?

This show gives me a reason to live.

Adelola: It's fine.

Honestly, guys, I'm gonna be fine. It's fine.

I'm worried that you lost a lot of blood.

Your foot is like, snow white.

His whole leg's white.

- Then why is the bite blue? - Mare: Okay.

"Rat bites can turn blue with the presence of

Streptobacillus moniliformis."

- That sounds awful. - Yes. Yes.

You're not gonna sue, yeah?

I mean, still the two amendments, right?

- Forget about it. - [clicks tongue]

I think we gotta catch this rat, sir.

Make sure it's not rabid.

It's not rabid, Travis.

And Hank, ain't nobody suing nobody, all right?

This has been super fun, guys. I'll catch you again.

Oh, and Hank?

- Hit me up if you got any tips. - [clicks tongue]

We have to write this up, right?

I mean, there could be rabies.

You really think there's rabies in this town?

I have nieces.

There's way worse diseases than rabies out there.

You ever heard of the Black Death?

It would make you wish for rabies.

Kendra, I'm not telling you how to parent.

I'm just saying, tell them not to play with rats.

Why is this a fight?

I know that you don't wanna lose your new source,

but this is a potential public health hazard.

Mare.

People don't buy the paper to read about us, all right?

There's no section called "The Editor's Ankle."

- Yeah. - So let's just get back to work.

I don't think we should listen to Ned on this one.

Uh... Okay.

He's putting the paper first like usual.

He doesn't wanna lose his new source,

and he'd rather let his foot fall off

than advocate for himself.

Why don't you guys go pull the snack bar's health records?

Okay? I'm gonna find some rat experts.

All right. We're on it.

Just you and me on this one, Trick.

[elevator dings]

So I've been called D, Big D, Detective Rick,

Debt with a B, Detrick, give me more.

Like, honestly, it's hard for me

to find nicknames I don't vibe with.

But Travis has a gift for it.

- The Icky-Tricky Boys, back at it. - Yep.

Nicole: There you are.

So I hear your mom's in town--

- No ketchup? - Uh--

Yeah. Of course.

Oh, Nicole. Fetching condiments.

The ultimate lunchtime humiliation.

That's why I love Adarina.

She's gonna make you work for it. You want back in?

You'll be crawling on your knees.

- Adelola. - Whatever.

The positive comments from my article keep rolling in.

[chuckles]

And now I have an invitation

from NPR to talk to someone named Gross Terry.

He is probably one of those obnoxious morning DJs.

Should I do it? Or should I blow him off?

- [shouts] - Ahh!

- [laughs] - [sighs]

I heard that you have been bitten by a rat.

- Yeah. - What a weird thing to happen to a man.

They usually eat garbage.

Are you garbage, Ned?

Ned: The universe has no reason to punish me.

But if it did, Esmeralda getting a Terry Gross

interview on Fresh Air today for her progressive editorial

would be an effective way of doing so.

Who was the real victim here?

Ned with the gun, or the little rat,

who was probably a single parent?

Uh-huh. And why would it run towards a loud sound

like a gunshot?

You got the photo I sent, right?

It doesn't look like a rat bite.

How do you explain the wound?

Um... Maybe a Bic?

- What? - Or a Uni-Ball?

Uh-- No. No.

We have visual confirmation that it was definitely a rat.

Thank you for your time. Bye.

[call ends]

- Mare: Hey. - Detrick: What's up, Mare?

- How'd it go? - So the snack bar's records came back spotless.

- Passed every inspection. No rats, no droppings ever. - [Mare sighs]

Ephraim is really tearing himself up about this.

- Ephraim? - Ephraim Nikoliades. Lovely man.

Can you guys go back one more time?

And just check the outside of the gun range?

If the rat isn't from the kitchen,

where is it coming from?

You want us to go look for a rat hive?

- Get moving. - Okay.

Travis: Okay.

- It's crazy, man. - Yeah, crazy. Come on.

All right. Come on, Tricky J. D-Bag Slim.

What's going on with these two?

I don't know, don't care.

Not interested in the dynamics with men.

Hm.

- Travis: Tricky Diddles. - Detrick: Stop.

Ned: I really think we need to get back

to the Glass Club crusade.

I'm not gonna stop the rat story,

but it is a very small story.

It's probably more, like, one line in the police blotter.

Because I'm not-- I'm fine.

Summer: Adam?

- Hi, honey. How was the doctor? - I'm pregnant again.

No, you were just pregnant. You had the baby.

I know. And then you said you got a vasectomy.

I did get a vasectomy. Remember?

I went to the best surgeon in Ensenada.

It's next to the fish taco place.

They went in through my back. Labrosopic.

I woke up in a bath of ice holding a margarita.

[laughs] They swiped your kidney, kid.

No, it was a vasectomy.

I don't think they would have given me $500

for my kidney, Barry.

- Adam. - What?

I envy what Adam and Summer have.

Sex.

- We're back. - Hey.

You'll never believe this.

There's a lab a hundred feet away from the gun range.

Check this out. Check it out.

Detrick: So Travis took some pictures,

I interviewed a scientist.

- They got hella rats. - Shut up.

But there's one problem. All their rats are white.

[groans] Okay. What do we know?

The rat was brown.

The brown rat bit a man in a gun range.

The lab is less than a hundred feet away

but all their rats are white.

I mean, if they're telling the truth.

Okay. New info.

There's a cosmetics lab about a hundred feet away.

The rats are probably coming

to the gun range from the lab, right?

Drawn by the loud gunfire and acrid smoke?

Well, and the fries.

No rat has ever behaved like that.

- [sighs] - Unless someone completely rewired its brain.

Hm. And what would be the expected property tax

on 100 acres of residential land?

Hm. See, that's... That's a lot.

- Hey. You got a moment? - Sure.

Can I call you back? Thanks.

Okay.

So the key to this is,

the rat behaved in a really weird way.

It sparked my curiosity,

so I interviewed a rat behavior expert.

Now, a normal rat wouldn't run out in the middle of gunfire

and just aggressively bite a human.

Have you ever heard of a rat that would do that?

But a lab rat that's being experimented on, maybe.

But then we realized that the cosmetics store is just a front.

Behind the lab with the white rats

is most likely a secret lab where somebody...

I don't freaking know, the military?

...is funding research on a rat that runs towards gunfire,

weaponizing an aggressive wartime rat, either as a,

you know, end in itself,

maybe carrying a little explosive backpack or something,

or as a prototype for the same experiment on humans.

Forget the Glass Club,

this should be our crusade.

This could be our Pulitzer.

Hm.

I don't know why he's not more excited.

Hm.

Unless... he lied.

- Hey, Ned? - Hm?

This is Ashley.

She's gonna be giving you your rabies shot.

Since you were bit by a rat.

Oh, yeah. So... I-I don't think the rat actually had rabies.

If you don't get the shot, you could die.

Okay.

Jesus. That's the shot?

One of five.

Cool.

That's actually a boba straw I spray-painted silver.

And Ashley isn't really a nurse.

I went to high school with her, and we both did musical theater.

You'll be getting two injections today.

One is the vaccine, one is the rabies immune globulin.

After this, you'll get three more shots.

We'll be seeing a lot more of each other.

Wow. No idea this was such a long process.

But you have to do it, because you were bit by a rat.

- Right? - Right.

I wish I wasn't, but I was.

Side effects include chills, dizziness, fever, seizures,

necrosis at the injection site, vomiting, diarrhea,

increased likelihood of stroke, rectal bleeding, hair loss--

- Hair loss? - Also rectal bleeding.

Yeah. That was in there.

All right, all right, let's do it.

Oh, no.

Sir?

No.

The shots are so large to penetrate the abdominal wall.

- Yes. - I like to go in through the navel.

- Just do it. Do it now. - Okay.

I mean, it was not what you would expect.

He was looking forward to be scared.

But in the end he told me, "Mom, that was nothing."

So even your young son wasn't afraid. That says something.

Exactly. No matter what anyone tells you, not scary.

Okay, if you're just joining us,

- my guest is Esmeralda Grand. - Yes.

She's the online editor of the Toledo newspaper...

- TTT Online. - ...The Truth Teller.

Yes.

- And I want to-- - Thank you.

Hi. Ciao, America. I love you.

So, Esmeralda, in order to challenge people's stereotypes,

you wrote about a halfway house.

But you wrote about it satirically,

as if it were a haunted house

that wasn't very successful at scaring people.

Yes.

Do you have any sense of what can be changed?

Well, allora, at first,

my thoughts were a dead bride, crying blood,

and maybe a clown with a huge knife.

But now, I would say maybe, I think, more social workers.

Okay, I think I see what's happening here.

My apologies to listeners.

We're gonna have to end this misguided interview.

Thank you. Thank you, Terry, to having me here.

Ciao, America. I love you.

Oh, great job, Louis.

Yes, Louis, great job. Thank you.

Now, if there's any reason

you don't want this strong woman

to plunge a giant needle into your stomach,

I feel like now's the time to say something.

No. I need to prevent rabies. Because of my rat bite.

So do it. Just do it, do it, do it. Come on, come on.

Okay.

Just... Can you wait outside, Ash?

Sorry.

Mare: Dude, what is wrong with you?

You'd really rather let her stab you in the stomach

than just admit there was no freaking rat?

I mean, why? Why do you have such a desperate need

to impress this cop?

I don't have a desperate need to impress a cop.

You hit the bullseye on your first shot.

- Dude. - You were in the Army.

In all honesty, when the gun startled you,

was it the bang or the recoil?

It pinched my finger.

- Bang! - [screams]

- Oh, my God. - Damn it.

You're cute.

- You're really cute. - [Ned sighs]

- Thank you. - And you have a cute tushy.

[The Scrantone's "Song From the Ninth Floor" plays]

Mare: Wait, what?

She thought I left her out?

I just thought Adelola didn't like Japanese food.

Oh, my God.

- Hey. - Adelola: Hey.

I think I forgot to get you one of these a while ago.

Oh.

Thanks.

Where's the straw?

How am I supposed to drink this?

And we're back.

[The Scrantone's "Song From the Ninth Floor" playing]