Original subtitles

(baseball fanfare beat)

- Oh, no, I thought they caught that streaker guy.

- You grab one,

another one pops up. - Yeah!

- Girls, uh... it's the league commissioner.

Let me handle this.

Uh, hello there, sir. What's up?

Was there a slo pitch crime, or something?

- The Brovaries' league fees are three weeks late.

- I'm so sorry. I can e-transfer that to you right now.

We have a new sponsor, usually our sponsor pays the dues.

And she won't pay for anything, if you know what I mean.

Anyways, how much is it?

- It's $1,500.

(all): What? - Dude!

- $1,500? - That's right.

- Jesus. Uh...

Okay, I don't have that kind of money lying around,

can-can we figure something out?

- I was gonna lock you guys out weeks ago, okay?

But my new lady friend, who is smokin' hot,

big red hair, so kind, she urged leniency,

because she's too good for this earth.

She's an angel.

- Okay. - But enough is enough.

- Thank you for your lovely lady's leniency, um...

Could we... could you just freeze it for like a week?

And we can get a little practice-

- Whoa! Absolutely not.

Excuse me!

(indistinct chattering) Excuse me, no!

Not one Brovary is entering this field

for a practice or a single game!

Until the fees are paid.

Okay? - Got it.

- In full. I have a job to do. You understand?

- We get it, thank you. - Yup.

- Okay?

- Guys, come on. - Okay.

- Ann, could you spot me?

- Sorry, I'm not liquid right now. Otherwise I would.

- Okay, anybody else? Can we pool our assets?

- Don't got any. - We should go look

for the buried treasure under the Public Lass!

- Oh, yeah! - Oh!

- You know, the old owner has a secret stash, right?

- Guys, I was thinking about something more immediate?

And real.

- Ooh! There's a sign on the telephone pole right there,

that says something for Slappy Sistas that says

we could make big money in mere hours,

training included. Check it out!

- Oh shit. - Hey...

- This is not a bad jumping off point, Boris.

- Using our bodies to make money?

(theme music)

- Welcome to the Brovaries first ever

sexy car wash fundraiser!

(sultry upbeat music)

(silence)

- Water pressure's down again.

- Oh, my God!

We've been washing Joanne's car for an hour

without any real customers.

- I don't know, maybe we're just not hot enough.

- Yes, we are!

And we're having fun!

Whoo! Woo-hoo! - Yeah!

- Yeah, you're right.

Joanne looks pretty cute in her khaki shorts too!

Sasha definitely thinks so! I saw her staring at you.

You like them, right, Sasha?

- Yup. - Yeah!

- Yeah, well you know what they say. Khaki makes 'em whacky.

(all laughing awkwardly)

- Funny. - Yeah.

- Gonna go fix the hose.

- All right, let's sex it up!

(whispering): Did you see that?

Sasha flirting?

Okay, look. I may be reading into this,

but, uh, she texted me this yesterday. Um...

"Joanne, I need to tell you something

and please don't freak out.

I have bed humps."

I looked it up on Urban Dictionary,

it means exactly what you think it means.

(car horn honking)

She's coming over tomorrow night.

I gave her a key to my house.

I'm not... I know what you're thinking.

I'm not thinking that.

First customer of the day, guys! Look sharp.

(Boris): Bitch, ew...

Would you believe me if I told you that I had sex with her once

in that monster truck? (cackling)

Though I must say, I'm having a bit of a tough time

securing a follow-up romp with that.

(Mel): That's too bad. (Boris): I know.

I'm gonna try something new this week, though.

I learned about this new jealousy method on this podcast.

- Jealousy method?

- Yeah, Fake Girlfriend method.

Watch and learn.

Hey, Barbara! Nice to see you!

It's, uh... too bad you're a little bit late,

you just missed my girlfriend.

She really wanted to meet you 'cause she's 21, and a model.

- Girlfriend? - Yup.

- Why are you all half-naked?

- Uh... it's our sexy carwash fundraiser!

Uh... assistant manager Steve said you were cool with it?

- Steve. I gotta fire him.

He's an idiot.

- Well, old Juicy Moosey's having fun!

(Boris): Mm-hmm.

- Oh, my God,

I told him to take that thing to the dump!

The tits are so long!

Put a shirt on her!

All right? And the same goes for the rest of you!

- Want us to wash your car? - Yeah.

Okay, I can't stay, though, I have to go to church.

- Ooh, yes. You're very dressed up.

Kind of reminds me of something my girlfriend might wear,

only hers would be younger, you know,

more revealing.

- Well, I'm not gonna dress like a slut

to give a speech at my niece's first communion, am I?

- You know, my girlfriend might.

- All right, look, not a scratch.

I just got the seats reupholstered,

I'll be in the bar.

- Boris, what are you doing? You don't have a girlfriend.

(sucking sound) - I know, I made one up

to make her jealous. And I think it's gonna work.

Mel thinks it will work. Right, Mel?

- Mel, don't be so...

Don't be such a good time! Yeah!

I love this plan! It's totally gonna work!

(laughing loudly)

Ann changed by name in the team group chat to Mrs. No Fun.

I didn't even know you could do that.

I'm and tired of people calling me a buzz kill just because

I wanna make sure that everyone has a safe and fair...

You know what? No. It doesn't matter.

Because today...

I'm fun Zari.

Woo-hoo!

Free beer!

- Ann, gimme a glass of chardonnay. Something crisp.

Nothing oaky. Ice cold.

Do you have anything back there from Cote de Beaune?

- Uh... no. What? (Barbara grunting)

- All right, well, tell me what the people drink then.

- I don't know, they're listed in the back here.

We got two whites.

There's a dry one and a sweet one.

- Gosh, okay, well, then just give me a Pinot Grigio,

that'll have to do. I'm writing a speech

for my niece's first communion. (clearing throat)

- You haven't started writing yet?

- Well, no, I've got writers' block 'cause of all the pressure

my big, dumb, Catholic Italian family is putting on me.

It's stupid shit.

- Yeah, totally. - Okay, yeah.

Okay, so... all right.

(folk music playing)

God, that's bad. (coughing)

(Boris): Yeah, get right in there, underneath the hood, huh?

(Zari): Oh, yeah!

- You know what that mean. - Yup.

- Why behind a Taco Bell? - Yikes.

Guess it's a bad sign when your hose is dry and limp.

(car horn honking) (man): Hey ladies!

- Well, we could maybe get a little-

- Oh... guys, customers!

(man): Yeah! - Uh-oh, uh-oh,

get ready for a catcall.

- Come on! - Here we go.

- Hey!

- How much to put your clothes back on?

- Oh! - Put 'em back on!

(Joanne): Very funny. - $1,500!

(motor roars)

- Mel...

- That's how much we're trying to raise, isn't it?

- Yeah, but we're not that desperate! Come on.

And we're still hot! So don't listen to them, okay?

- Okay, I know I brought it up already, but it would be so fun

if we actually did go look for the Public Lass treasure.

(gasping)

- Yes! - Zari!

Please, all right,

you're supposed to be the smart one.

That's a story that the old owner made up.

- "There's always money in the kilt!"

The clue about the treasure! - Yes!

- It's written above the left-handed urinal.

Apparently, it's been there since before I was born.

(all): Ooh... - See? Think about how

exciting it would be if we all just spontaneously

stopped doing this carefully thought-out activity

and abandoned it to do something else!

- Yes! - No!

No, we're not abandoning! No!

We're not hunting for buried treasure!

(all gasping)

Sorry, Sasha! I... (Boris): The hose is back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll get a towel for you.

- Okay, uh, well...

It's on, so let's just finish her off, yeah?

- Yeah, you're all wet.

- Yo! - Oh!

- Nice!

Check how big these cup holders are.

- Shade... Nice leather upholstery!

You could sleep in here!

- Look at this. - Look at all these buttons!

- I saw the clue last week because I was so margarita tipsy

I accidentally went into the men's bathroom,

but I was like, "Who cares? This is so much fun!"

- The old owners? Come on! They went bankrupt!

If they had a bunch of cash...

Just lying around the...

They-they wouldn't sell their beloved bar...

- Yo, coach! - Uh, Joanne.

(both): Joanne!

- Joanne! (screaming)

- Oh, my God. - Oh, no, no, no...

It's soaked. It's fucking soaked.

- Oh.

- Got some writersrs block the?

- Okay, so... (clearing throat)

"Carmelita," that's her name.

"I am so proud of you."

I can't say that.

Do I need to say that?

My father never told me he loved me and I'm fine!

- Hey, Barb! - God.

Are you done with my car?

- No. Uh... we are taking our time

with your sweet ride. - Oh, nice.

- I just wanna make sure you're getting

the luxury treatment here.

- Okay. - Ann, can I have a word?

- Yeah. Totally.

Here, have those. They're from France.

- Oh. Paris. Enchant�e.

- What's wrong? - I need you to keep her here

as long as possible. - What? Why?

- We flooded her car.

- You flooded Barb's car?

- Shh! It was nobody's fault.

(sighs)

It was Zari.

And also Boris.

- All right, I'm going to Olive Garden.

This Canadian wine, it's so uninspiring, you know?

Also these nuts? They don't taste French,

they taste local.

- Oh, that's, uh... But you know what, Barb? Um...

We... we just had a shipment of wine

from the-the wine rep today.

It's all whites.

You should stick around, try them all!

- Shipment? What wine rep?

Well, whatever. Where they from?

- Spain. - No.

- Uh... and Paraguay.

- Okay. Okay, so...

all right. Okay. - Yeah.

- Paraguayans. - Yeah, yeah! Absolutely.

- Enjoy! - Thank you.

"Carmelita..." Carmelita.

I don't know, she's got a large head.

Is that good or bad? (door opens)

(yelling over each other)

- Hey, hey, hey, hey! Guys, guys, guys!

Listen. I bought us some time. All right?

Here's the plan. Lee, inside with Ann,

keep Barb off the scent.

Mel, Zari, drum up some business.

Babe.

- Babe? - Sasha?

- Oh, me?

- Yeah, go get your hairdryers.

Let's go!

- Yeah... - Uh, okay.

- Car wash! Who wants a car wash?!

- Let's go! We got water!

- We got titties! We got cars! - Bring it our way!

(sighing exasperatedly)

- Okay, I know this is disaster, but, um...

Sasha and I tag teaming

crisis management before our big night.

(chuckles) Ay, ay, ay.

Mamma mia, pizzeria.

(laughing awkwardly)

Yeah. Teamwork as foreplay? Wow.

I mean, send me to prison, officer. That's a crime

I'm gonna commit. You know? Ah!

- Uh... so my car isn't normally like this,

I just found out that I have bed bugs.

Super gross.

I did tell Joanne 'cause I knew that she wouldn't

be grossed out by it and I was definitely right,

'cause, uh...

she took that as an invitation to give me these.

Keys! To her home.

Said I could stay as long as I wanted.

(sighing)

I'm sorry but I just... I do not do the whole U-Haul thing.

You know what? I'm an idiot. I really...

I thought that we could be maybe casual, and, uh...

Joanne... does not do casual. And I do not do relationships.

Not since the last one. That was, uh...

bad, that was...

(plastic bags scrunching)

Really bad. Anyway, um...

It is time to de-escalate this budding romance.

Fuck!

(hair dryers humming)

- I got hers and hers toothbrushes!

- What?

- Hers and hers!

- Um... Joanne, I think we need to talk.

(hair dyers turn off) - Yeah?

- Joanne, look, I'm really grateful you didn't freak out

when I told you about-

- Oh, my God, Sasha. It's fine, it's totally fine.

Yeah, I too may have had a case of the bed humps

in my college days.

- Bed humps?

- I had to look it up on Urban Dictionary.

- And...

uh... what did it say?

- You want me to say it right now?

- Uh... bed bugs?

- What?

- Bed bugs.

I have bed bugs. That's what I texted you about.

See...

Oh. Okay. I-I see.

Bugs was changed to humps, that's uh...

Autocorrect is...

(laughing)

- That's funny.

Okay, right! Okay, yeah, yeah!

Oh, my God, yeah. You need a couch.

Uh, I got a good couch!

I have a couch you can stay on and that key,

the key I gave you, um... it's just a spare key

so, like, you can just give that to me whenever.

(man): Woah!

One of you is actually kinda hot!

- But only one!

(laughing loudly)

- Wonder who they're talking about.

Probably me, right?

(chuckling awkwardly)

(dryer whirring)

- Remember Boris has a girlfriend.

She's 21, she's a model.

- Yes, okay! Also FYI, Barb thinks she's drinking

some expensive ass wine from Paraguay,

but she's actually having the Ontario "Zesty Besty White."

- Hello! I just had to take a little... powder my nose.

(chuckling)

Okay.

Is that Chablis? It's a lower percentage, right?

- The one from the Guayr� region? Uh, yeah, yeah.

How did you know? - I'm not feeling the buzz.

I write better buzzed.

Let me try the Vestini Palagrello Bianco.

Let's get that going.

- That's right, that's great.

We'll do the Argentinian wine this time.

- So Boris has a girlfriend?

- Oh, yeah! The sexy model.

- Well, she must be pretty dumb.

- Actually, no, she's like... it's crazy.

It's like her huge breasts are as big as her huge brain.

- Don't models usually have small tits?

- Yeah, but she's so famous they were like,

"Ma'am, you can have 'em both."

"Gigantic brain and gigantic tits."

- Yeah, okay. I think I get it. Stop distracting me, I'm busy.

God! Why is this so hard?

It's like this sentimental family shit is disgusting,

it's just bad!

- You know who'd actually be able to give you

some really great pointers?

- Please tell me, I could really use the help.

- Boris' girlfriend! - Yes!

- Yeah! She's such a good speech writer!

- Yeah, I get it, okay. Boris has an amazing girlfriend.

And she's so in love.

- They are so in love! It's so cute!

- Dude! - It's totally working!

Wow, check that.

(sniffs) Ew...

- Ready to have some fun?

- Sure. (Zari clears her throat)

- Hi there!

Do you have a moment to talk about a good time for charity?

- What's up, pop? Beautiful body on this wagon.

She's really classy, but she's dirty.

Needs a good soapy hand job.

- H-hand job?

- Yeah, we're doing them in the parking lot

behind the Public Lass!

- Could even get under the hood. Full service, if you like.

(trunk thuds shut)

- No, thank you. I'm married.

- It's a charity.

It's a car wash for charity! It-it's a charity car wash!

- I feel you, you need to check in with the wife

before we give you a good dip and soak? I respect it.

- Yeah... wife. That's married.

- Thank you. Have a good day, sir.

He thinks we're prostitutes! Sex workers!

- What the fuck? - Ladies of the night!

Or like a lady and a they/them of the night!

- I ain't no fuckin' lady!

- $1,500?

Why does everyone want $1,500 from me?

Um, yeah, I know it's a rush job!

But is it really that much to reupholster a chair?

I kinda set it on fire with a hair dryer

because this hot, wet woman...

Actually. Uh, you got any, um...

rates for pretty girls?

Yeah, that makes sense, and, uh... I apologize.

Thank you so much, sir. I will be there in 20 minutes.

(car door slams shut)

(honking aggressively)

Sasha thinks I'm stupid.

Bed humps? Bed humps! What is that?

It's not a thing! The sound of traffic. Right?

Okay, let's go! Let's go!

Okay, I'm just like find my life partner right now!

(sobbing) (cars honking in the distance)

I don't wanna join a run club.

(tender music over radio)

- Mm. God, that is disgusting.

- Hey! - What?

- So Joanne just texted,

she's stuck in traffic but she's gonna be back soon.

Uh, how's it going with Barb?

- So good. We made her literally sick with jealousy.

She's in the bathroom right now. - Hmm. Might've been the wine.

- The point is you just gotta put the cherry on top!

(chuckling)

- Oh, and we told her that your girlfriend's

a motivational speaker for children.

- Genius. (footsteps approaching)

(clears throat) Hello! Honey? Hi.

- Get me a water, I gotta get outta here.

- Yes, Alexis. My girlfriend, my girlfriend, my girlfriend.

God, I can't stop saying that.

How is your model shoot going at the CN Tower?

Oh! They wanna pay you more money?

And they want you to do that speech for the orphans?

Fantastic news! Listen, I'm glad you called because

there's something I actually wanted to ask you.

Uh, would you...

want to get married?

(Barbara gasping)

I was thinking about that speech

that you were practising on me last night,

and I knew I had to make you my wife!

What was that one line again?

Ugh! Beautiful. I gotta tell my friends that.

Ann, Lee, listen to this line my girlfriend wrote.

"You only get one shot,

do not miss your chance to blow,

this opportunity comes once in a lifetime."

- Oh, my God! - Wow.

- That's incredible! - No! Oh, f...

- I know! She's a genius. I think we should elope.

- Goodbye, girlhood. Goodbye, sex.

Goodbye, love.

(melancholic music playing in the distance)

- Oh. - Yo!

- Show us your tits!

- Are you talking to me?

- Yes! - Yeah!

(tires screeching) (Joanne screaming)

(loud crash)

- Oh, my God! - Shit!

- Joanne!

- Oh, my God, are you okay?

- Oh, my God! Joanne! - What the fuck happened?

- Oh, my God! - What is...

(exclaiming excitedly)

(speaking over each other)

- Oh, my God, fuck!

(laughing)

- Yo!

(yelling with excitement)

Are you kidding me?

- Oh, my God!

- The money was in the kilt!

The moose kilt! The legend was true!

- Wait, wait, wait! How much do you think this is?

- Oh, definitely enough for the league fees!

- Oh, yeah!

- Wait, where-where's Barb?

(Barbara): Right here.

- Um...

Wait. We...

We...

- You raised all that?

- Yes, we did.

- Wow. - Yup.

(sighs)

- This is the type of moment that really calls for a speech.

(Barb clears her throat)

First of all, I just wanna say how proud I am

of all of you.

Nobody thought you could do this!

But you didn't give up!

You showed up, you worked hard, you took a risk! Guess what?

That work? That risk? It worked out! Because, look!

So, you know, I'm just so struck by today. It's the love!

You know? The love that you have for your team!

Because when you find love, when you find someone...

something... you gotta go after it.

Because listen up, if you don't...

it could just... it could find somebody else.

Congratulations!

- Yeah.

- Barbara, that speech was amazing.

Much better than anything my girlfriend

could've ever written.

- Yeah, I know it was. I just needed a little something

called inspiration.

Where are my keys?

I have to go my niece and say that speech again right now.

- Barbara, I have to tell you- - That's enough. Guess what?

I don't know whatever it is this little game that you're playing,

but I'm not buying it, mister.

And your girlfriend?

She stole that line from a white rapper.

- But- - Yeah.

Keys! Right now!

Yes! - No.

Sorry, I don't wanna be the Fun Police again,

but I have to draw the line at drunk driving.

Wow, okay.

Oh! What a relief!

Trying to be fun, and relaxed, and easygoing

is very exhausting.

Ah! I feel great. (chuckling with relief)

- Well, okay, Mrs. Narc.

I guess you're gonna drive me then.

Boring!

- Mrs. Narc. It's got a ring to it.

- Uh, just... keep the windows down.

- Yup! - Yeah. Thank you in advance.

- Gotta give my speech to my family now.

- Barb, put your seatbelt on. - Yup!

The car reeks! Is that me?

- Guess your plan didn't work out.

(smacking lips)

- Slow burn, big Melly. Just wait.

Tonight, she'll be eating her mom's spaghetti

and not understand why the only thing she can think about

is Boris.

(cackling)

- Well, well, well. You know what?

You guys got a lot of nerve.

- Listen, ma'am, we're sorry. About the moose and the car.

- And for talking so disrespectfully

about your titties.

We only did it for our YouTube channel.

- Huh?

- Yeah, okay, it's this video channel where we do

these pranks but the videos that get the most views

are the ones where we're rude to women.

- It's a really bad positive feedback loop,

'cause we actually fully respect women.

- Like, fully respect. You know, women in their 30s.

- Yeah, sure, sure...

Yeah, so... like, you guys didn't actually wanna...

Want me to show you my tits?

- No! - Definitely not.

- No. We just wanna make this absolutely clear,

we did not wanna see your bitties.

- I get it. - Yeah.

- I got it.

- But we were just talking about how you have,

like, this... irresistible inner glow.

- Yeah. Radiant inner beauty. - Yeah?

- Yeah.

- And it would be our honour to give you 30%

of the profits we make on this video.

(chuckles) - Yeah?

- Yeah!

"Milf Prank Reaction Complication."

(laughing)

- Should be a lot! - Yeah!

- Let's go!

- Uh, let's workshop that name, though. Yeah?

- Joanne! We are rich, like the peanut man who has a monocle!

- Yeah!

- $3,852.46!

(yelling in excitement)

- That's enough for the seat repair! And the league fees!

I am so sorry I doubted you guys about the buried treasure.

- Hey, I mean, it was really Zari's idea.

- To Juicy Moosey!

(everyone): To Juicy Moosey!

(glasses clinking)

- Who taught me an important lesson.

It's not about what's on the outside,

but what's on the inside that counts.

- Money! - Yes, money.

And inner radiant beauty.

Huh, I'm feeling inspired, so...

Who wants to help me set up a new dating profile?

- I got banned from all those. Can't do it.

- Okay. - I'll do it.

(Celtic music playing)

- Okay. Yeah. Um...

- Great. Yeah, show me your profile pictures.

- Cool.

- Yeah...

- Ooh! - What's that?

(automated voice): You have one new message.

(Barbara): Joanne! God, my head is fucking pounding.

Listen, the car reeks, okay?

And I don't know what you guys did yesterday

but it fucking smells, yeah!

It smells. So if something happened,

I'm gonna need to hear about it.

And also, just in case you were wondering,

the first communion speech went very well.

A lot of people said I was really good at my speech,

so you can let Boris know, you know, whatever,

that yeah, okay...

Which is really good stuff.

Anyway, listen, the car reeks,

so I would like to talk about that, okay?

Subtitling: difuze

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0