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1
00:00:02,219 --> 00:00:04,482
You know, maybe
I found out too early.
2
00:00:04,526 --> 00:00:08,051
I was five years old
when "Santa" gave me
my own fire truck
3
00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:09,183
and a teddy bear
that smelled
4
00:00:09,226 --> 00:00:10,923
like my dad's cigarettes.
5
00:00:10,967 --> 00:00:12,621
That's not Santa.
6
00:00:12,664 --> 00:00:15,102
I just believe things
and go on believing them.
7
00:00:15,145 --> 00:00:17,234
Someone tells me
a fat man's bringing me
dolls every year,
8
00:00:17,278 --> 00:00:19,410
I just don't question it.You would've been my nightmare.
9
00:00:19,454 --> 00:00:21,543
We were on very
strict instructions
from Rabbi Schmulie
10
00:00:21,586 --> 00:00:23,066
not to say a word until the last
11
00:00:23,110 --> 00:00:25,068
Christian kid found out
about Santa Claus.
12
00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:27,288
Ruining Christmas,
very bad for our brand.
13
00:00:27,331 --> 00:00:29,116
Well, whether or not
Santa's real, it's just
14
00:00:29,159 --> 00:00:30,465
nice to have something
to believe in.
15
00:00:30,508 --> 00:00:33,337
Did you just say
"whether or not Santa's real"?
16
00:00:33,381 --> 00:00:35,078
You don't believe
in Santa Claus, do you?
No.
17
00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:36,906
Do I wish Santa was real?
18
00:00:36,949 --> 00:00:39,082
I mean, yeah.Santa's not real, Winston.
19
00:00:39,126 --> 00:00:40,170
WINSTON:
Shut up, stupid!
You're a dummy!
20
00:00:40,214 --> 00:00:42,259
[stammering]
21
00:00:42,303 --> 00:00:45,175
So... and...
I don't even c...
22
00:00:45,219 --> 00:00:47,308
Like, you're the...
Okay, aw, here we go.
23
00:00:47,351 --> 00:00:49,136
You know what,
look who's talking.
You're the same guy
24
00:00:49,179 --> 00:00:50,528
who only eats mayonnaise
on game days.
25
00:00:50,572 --> 00:00:52,313
Well, that's how you make
the Chicago Bears win.
26
00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:53,923
Hey, Winnie,
were you a good boy this year?
27
00:00:54,967 --> 00:00:55,925
Oh, really?
28
00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:57,100
Stop, guys, stop!
29
00:00:57,144 --> 00:00:58,275
SCHMIDT: Don't throw
the cranberries!
30
00:00:58,319 --> 00:00:59,146
Get him!
Stop!
31
00:00:59,189 --> 00:01:00,321
Hey!
32
00:01:00,364 --> 00:01:02,279
I don't mess around!No!
33
00:01:02,323 --> 00:01:03,454
Truce! Truce! Truce!Go for the eyes!
34
00:01:03,498 --> 00:01:05,239
Truce! Truce!Who's your Santa now?
35
00:01:05,282 --> 00:01:06,327
One got stuck in my ear.
36
00:01:06,370 --> 00:01:08,285
We got a cranberry
in his ear.
37
00:01:08,329 --> 00:01:09,808
How is that
even possible?
38
00:01:09,852 --> 00:01:11,114
Why don't you ask
Santa Claus to take
39
00:01:11,158 --> 00:01:12,333
the cranberry out of your ear?Huh?!
40
00:01:12,376 --> 00:01:14,900
I said it got stuck in my ear!
41
00:01:14,944 --> 00:01:16,293
Truce! Truce! Truce! Truce!
42
00:01:16,337 --> 00:01:18,687
♪ Who's that girl?
43
00:01:18,730 --> 00:01:21,211
♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess.
44
00:01:22,647 --> 00:01:25,346
[exhales]
[whistles]
45
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:28,000
These pieces don't
make a full berry.
46
00:01:28,044 --> 00:01:30,220
There's definitely something
still stuck in there.
47
00:01:30,264 --> 00:01:33,136
Hey, would anybody mind
the airport tomorrow?
48
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,355
Full disclosure:
49
00:01:34,398 --> 00:01:36,574
it's out of San Diego
at 3:00 a.m.
50
00:01:36,618 --> 00:01:39,360
So tonight's our last chance
for a holiday hang-together?
51
00:01:39,403 --> 00:01:41,188
A group hang on the
Saturday before Christmas?
52
00:01:41,231 --> 00:01:43,320
[loudly]: No, sorry, I can't
tonight, Jess. Office party.
53
00:01:43,364 --> 00:01:45,192
There are literally millions
of parties. It's a puzzle as...
54
00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:47,063
That's what you guys
are talking about, right?
55
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,543
I mean, it's not like
I can hear anything,
56
00:01:48,586 --> 00:01:50,545
because I got a cranberry
stuck in my ear!
57
00:01:50,588 --> 00:01:52,286
You're yelling.Huh?
58
00:01:52,329 --> 00:01:53,939
Slade and Sienna
are having a house thing.
59
00:01:53,983 --> 00:01:56,203
Oshiro-San is serving
whale meat after midnight.
60
00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:57,639
Huh? What y'all talking about?Shut up.
61
00:01:57,682 --> 00:01:59,858
Sadie is having
a cookie-decorating party.
62
00:01:59,902 --> 00:02:01,730
The gorilla twins
are having a thump-thump.
63
00:02:01,773 --> 00:02:03,601
Let's try to hit all
the parties we can.
64
00:02:03,645 --> 00:02:07,083
Otherwise, I'm just gonna stay
home and try not to call Sam.
65
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,432
What'd you say?I'm gonna die alone.
66
00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:10,652
And merry Christmas.
67
00:02:10,695 --> 00:02:13,220
We have to hang
out together.I hate that idea.
68
00:02:13,263 --> 00:02:14,351
I'll be designated driver.
69
00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:15,613
I'm in.
Okay, yeah,
let's do it.
70
00:02:15,657 --> 00:02:17,528
The only way we make this work
71
00:02:17,572 --> 00:02:18,747
is if we do the Irish good-bye.
72
00:02:18,790 --> 00:02:21,184
We leave the parties
without saying good-bye.
73
00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:22,490
And I'm asking you guys
as my friends to not be
74
00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:25,406
so damn awkward around
my stripper girlfriend,
75
00:02:25,449 --> 00:02:26,233
just 'cause she's a stripper.
76
00:02:26,276 --> 00:02:27,886
You are the most awkward.
77
00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:29,061
You should probably stop calling
her your "stripper girlfriend."
78
00:02:29,105 --> 00:02:30,367
She's unpredictable
and exciting,
79
00:02:30,411 --> 00:02:32,064
and I love that!
80
00:02:32,108 --> 00:02:33,414
Ol' Nick Miller
81
00:02:33,457 --> 00:02:35,764
lives on the edge now.
Vroom! Vroom!
82
00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:37,113
And plus,
83
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,897
we haven't had sex yet,
and we might tonight.
84
00:02:38,941 --> 00:02:40,899
[grunting]
85
00:02:40,943 --> 00:02:42,074
I understood that!
86
00:02:42,118 --> 00:02:43,380
Oh, yeah!
87
00:02:43,424 --> 00:02:45,208
What'd you say, though?
88
00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:46,688
♪ On the first day
of Christmas ♪
89
00:02:46,731 --> 00:02:49,256
♪ My true love gave to me
a partridge... ♪
90
00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:51,388
Merry Christmas!
91
00:02:51,432 --> 00:02:52,389
Am I talking too loud?
92
00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:54,086
Schmidt?What?
93
00:02:54,130 --> 00:02:55,697
A word?
What?
94
00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:58,395
You haven't said one word to
Cece since she got in the car.
95
00:02:58,439 --> 00:02:59,614
I cannot believe
that you invited her.
96
00:02:59,657 --> 00:03:01,224
She's my best friend.
97
00:03:01,268 --> 00:03:03,226
Hey, can I talk to you
a little later?Oh, were you hoping that
98
00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:04,445
I still had some soul left
for you to crush?
99
00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:06,403
I'm glad we're gonna be
immature about this.
100
00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:08,405
Whoa, what happened there?
101
00:03:08,449 --> 00:03:11,234
Nothing. He told her
that he loved her...
102
00:03:11,278 --> 00:03:12,453
Okay, I just want
to spend the night
103
00:03:12,496 --> 00:03:14,455
making it with some fatty
in an elf costume.
104
00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:15,673
Is that too much to ask for?
105
00:03:15,717 --> 00:03:17,371
Instead I'm stuck here
106
00:03:17,414 --> 00:03:19,416
at this lesbian
cookie party.
107
00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:22,289
It's all wreaths, no trees.
108
00:03:22,332 --> 00:03:23,464
All right, Jess,
109
00:03:23,507 --> 00:03:24,769
you're on the clock;
110
00:03:24,813 --> 00:03:26,684
you have five minutes
in this party black hole.
111
00:03:26,728 --> 00:03:28,382
Your friends are cool.Yeah, no, no,
I like them.
112
00:03:28,425 --> 00:03:30,340
Yeah, they...I live with them.
113
00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:32,386
But being serious,
it's been really fun.
114
00:03:32,429 --> 00:03:35,389
I'm glad we're hanging out
and spending time together
and all that good stuff.
115
00:03:35,432 --> 00:03:37,260
You know,
to be completely honest,
116
00:03:37,304 --> 00:03:38,696
when I first met you,
117
00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:40,481
I didn't think that you
could, you know, handle this.
118
00:03:40,524 --> 00:03:42,483
Handle what? The fact
that you're a stripper?
119
00:03:42,526 --> 00:03:44,267
Me being... Yeah.Are you kidding?
120
00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:45,616
[laughs]: Me?
Yeah.
121
00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:47,444
Is it good?
You're sweating a little bit.
122
00:03:47,488 --> 00:03:50,491
You know what, lady,
I was born on the wrong
side of the tracks.
123
00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:52,406
I've had tetanus
thrice in my life.
124
00:03:52,449 --> 00:03:55,452
Ew.And look at what a
badass cookie I made.
125
00:03:55,496 --> 00:03:57,324
That's the kind of cookie
Nick Miller makes.
126
00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:58,499
Fine, look at
my cookie.
What?
127
00:04:01,763 --> 00:04:03,982
Yeah, but there
are people here.
128
00:04:04,026 --> 00:04:06,376
Are you not
into having sex
around people?
129
00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:07,682
Who are you talking to?
130
00:04:07,725 --> 00:04:09,858
Yeah?
I'm so open with sex,
it's ridiculous.
131
00:04:09,901 --> 00:04:11,512
[forced laugh]
132
00:04:11,555 --> 00:04:13,383
You could at least
take your coat off.
133
00:04:13,427 --> 00:04:14,515
[chuckles]:
Oh, but I can't.
134
00:04:14,558 --> 00:04:16,517
Pastel walls
give me the chills.
135
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,388
Hey.Hey.
136
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:21,130
Oh, my God!What?
137
00:04:21,173 --> 00:04:22,349
What...It's Sam! It's Sam!
Put your coats on.
138
00:04:22,392 --> 00:04:23,480
We're leaving.Sam Sam? Where?
139
00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:24,699
Yes, he's right over there.
140
00:04:24,742 --> 00:04:26,309
He's talking to a woman
whose sexuality
141
00:04:26,353 --> 00:04:27,441
I won't jump to
conclusions about.
142
00:04:27,484 --> 00:04:28,790
What a situation,
huh, Jess?
143
00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:30,313
Forced to spend time
with someone
144
00:04:30,357 --> 00:04:31,619
who ruthlessly
rejected you
145
00:04:31,662 --> 00:04:33,708
after you told him
how much you cared about him.
146
00:04:33,751 --> 00:04:35,492
Maybe...Damn, he looks good.
147
00:04:35,536 --> 00:04:37,320
just wants everyone
to get along.
148
00:04:37,364 --> 00:04:39,148
Okay, if he wanted
everybody to get along...
149
00:04:39,191 --> 00:04:41,542
I'm seriously freaking out
right now.
150
00:04:41,585 --> 00:04:42,456
...then hewouldn't have acted
like such a callous lady jerk.Guys, I'm freaking out.
151
00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:43,674
Lady jerk?
Lady jerk.
152
00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:45,241
Seriously
freaking out right now.
153
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,199
Duck! He's gonna see you.Ow. We have to get out
154
00:04:47,243 --> 00:04:48,592
of here, you guys.
Where is everybody?Weirdo.
155
00:04:48,636 --> 00:04:51,378
WINSTON:
Yeah, man, see,
when a cranberry gets lodged
156
00:04:51,421 --> 00:04:53,380
in the ear, it hurts.
Look.
157
00:04:53,423 --> 00:04:54,642
Psst, Winston.WINSTON:
Hey!
158
00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:57,514
Do you guys know
Sam's here?[whistles]
159
00:04:57,558 --> 00:04:58,776
Oh!
160
00:04:58,820 --> 00:05:00,691
Jess?We're Irish good-bye-ing.
Go! Go!
161
00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:02,911
Go?Go, go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
162
00:05:02,954 --> 00:05:04,608
Go! Go! Go!
163
00:05:04,652 --> 00:05:06,567
JESS:
All right, Schmidt,
what's the address?
164
00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,525
SCHMIDT: Get ready, last year
this party had acrobats
165
00:05:08,569 --> 00:05:09,526
and caged snow leopards.
166
00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:10,919
WINSTON:
What?!
167
00:05:10,962 --> 00:05:13,661
♪
168
00:05:15,271 --> 00:05:17,578
We're all here together.
No drama.
169
00:05:17,621 --> 00:05:19,231
Not bad, Schmidt.Thank you.
170
00:05:19,275 --> 00:05:20,972
Are they just gonna play
computer music all night?
171
00:05:21,016 --> 00:05:23,192
What are you talking about?
That's a really
respected deejay,
172
00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:24,628
who was also an actor
on Boy Meets World.
173
00:05:24,672 --> 00:05:26,369
Hey, Jess.
Whoa, Sam.
What?!
174
00:05:26,413 --> 00:05:27,370
No!
175
00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:28,850
Why is this happening? No.
176
00:05:28,893 --> 00:05:29,503
Please, I need to talk...[hits glass door]
Oh, God.
177
00:05:29,546 --> 00:05:30,417
No. Oh, my...
178
00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:32,027
Oh, I feel
like a bird.
179
00:05:32,070 --> 00:05:33,376
Aw, that's just sad.
180
00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:34,769
How are you here?Winston told me
181
00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:36,858
where the party was in
exchange for an ear exam.
182
00:05:36,901 --> 00:05:38,468
Winston told you what?!
183
00:05:38,512 --> 00:05:39,600
What?
184
00:05:39,643 --> 00:05:40,949
Jess, listen to me.
185
00:05:40,992 --> 00:05:43,255
I want you back, Jess.
186
00:05:45,257 --> 00:05:46,346
Oh. [grunts]
187
00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:48,478
Oh!
188
00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:52,264
Are none
of these doors?
189
00:05:52,308 --> 00:05:53,440
Oh!
190
00:05:58,009 --> 00:05:59,750
So, what, he just wants
a relationship now,
out of the blue?
191
00:05:59,794 --> 00:06:01,578
[loudly]:
You never just dreamed about him
crawling back to you?
192
00:06:01,622 --> 00:06:03,537
Anybody who's ever been dumped
193
00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:06,104
has dreamed about
that special someone
194
00:06:06,148 --> 00:06:07,584
crawling their way back to them.
195
00:06:07,628 --> 00:06:09,673
I mean, come on, right?
It's the dump fantasy.
196
00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:11,458
Let's workshop
that term.
197
00:06:11,501 --> 00:06:12,459
Of course I have.
198
00:06:12,502 --> 00:06:13,590
We meet
199
00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:16,288
in a hospital, during wartime.
200
00:06:16,332 --> 00:06:18,856
You can forgive a lot
during wartime.
201
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:20,641
Thatis a
fantasy, Jess.
202
00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:21,903
Okay, people don't change.
203
00:06:21,946 --> 00:06:23,644
They just think
that they do.
204
00:06:23,687 --> 00:06:25,254
He's a player.
Think about it.
205
00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:27,430
Why would a
good-looking person
ever become a doctor?
206
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:29,127
SAM:
Jess?
207
00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:30,694
Oh, my God!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
208
00:06:30,738 --> 00:06:31,956
Go, go, go.
[groans]
209
00:06:32,522 --> 00:06:34,481
Door...Jess?
210
00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:38,441
Jess, uh, I don't know
if you're in here.
211
00:06:38,485 --> 00:06:40,530
I just wanted to
tell you that...
212
00:06:40,574 --> 00:06:42,445
[clears throat]
I messed up.
213
00:06:42,489 --> 00:06:45,448
You know, I-I went
to that party to see you.
214
00:06:45,492 --> 00:06:47,276
I knew you were
gonna be there,
'cause I saw
215
00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,626
the comments on the Evite.
216
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:52,499
"Amazeballs, can't wait."
217
00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:54,805
If you are here,
I'm sorry if this sounds
a little rehearsed.
218
00:06:54,849 --> 00:06:56,546
This is the third room
I've done this in.
219
00:06:56,590 --> 00:06:57,634
Hey, what's he saying?
220
00:06:57,678 --> 00:06:59,244
I want to hear...Shut up, Winston.
221
00:06:59,288 --> 00:07:00,115
Jess?
222
00:07:00,158 --> 00:07:01,986
Jess?
Yep.
223
00:07:06,904 --> 00:07:08,253
No.
224
00:07:08,297 --> 00:07:09,646
You just think
you can come back
225
00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:10,821
and I'm just gonna be
waiting for you?
226
00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:13,084
No, of course not.
I mean...
227
00:07:13,128 --> 00:07:15,347
I had to at least try.
228
00:07:15,391 --> 00:07:17,393
You're too late.
229
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,829
I'm in love.
230
00:07:18,873 --> 00:07:20,701
SAM:
What?
231
00:07:20,744 --> 00:07:21,702
With Winston.
232
00:07:24,748 --> 00:07:25,619
SAM:
What?
233
00:07:25,662 --> 00:07:27,185
We've lain together.
234
00:07:27,229 --> 00:07:28,535
No, yeah, I don't know
how it happened.
235
00:07:28,578 --> 00:07:32,713
It just got stuck up there
so far, so quickly.
236
00:07:32,756 --> 00:07:34,715
The relationship.
237
00:07:34,758 --> 00:07:35,759
WINSTON:
You know, sometimes
when we're hanging out,
238
00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:36,847
it can get a little rough.
239
00:07:36,891 --> 00:07:39,067
Oh, boy, does it.
Yeah.
240
00:07:39,110 --> 00:07:40,677
All right. Well, I didn't
know that, so...
241
00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:42,244
What's going on? I feel like
I'm missing something.
242
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:44,768
[Nick laughing]
243
00:07:44,812 --> 00:07:47,118
Snow time.
[giggling]
244
00:07:47,162 --> 00:07:49,730
Hey, what are you doing?
No, no, no.
245
00:07:49,773 --> 00:07:51,558
Hey, everything is
so expensive here, Angie.[squeals]
246
00:07:51,601 --> 00:07:52,907
Don't. Get off that thing.
247
00:07:52,950 --> 00:07:54,648
Why don't you get on?
248
00:07:54,691 --> 00:07:56,519
[bells jingling][chuckles]
249
00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:58,173
You know what?
250
00:07:58,216 --> 00:08:00,262
Get in the sleigh, girl.
251
00:08:02,612 --> 00:08:03,961
What happens in the sleigh?
252
00:08:04,005 --> 00:08:06,442
What happens in the sleigh
253
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,923
is I'll be your reindeer...Uh-huh.
254
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:12,622
and take your toys
up in the sky.
255
00:08:12,666 --> 00:08:15,712
[giggles]
Sexyness.
256
00:08:17,453 --> 00:08:19,629
[mouthing]
257
00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:21,936
Ooh! Ho ho ho!
258
00:08:21,979 --> 00:08:24,591
Here comes the
chubby Santa boy!
259
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:25,722
Get in here.[grunts]
260
00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:28,159
NICK:
This is real.
261
00:08:28,203 --> 00:08:29,813
We are...
This is...
262
00:08:29,857 --> 00:08:31,772
You are quick
to the belt.
263
00:08:31,815 --> 00:08:32,642
Let's do this.
264
00:08:32,686 --> 00:08:34,644
You have been Taken.
265
00:08:34,688 --> 00:08:35,906
What's that?
266
00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:38,169
A nearly perfect Liam Neeson.
267
00:08:38,213 --> 00:08:39,693
NICK:
Whoa!
268
00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:40,998
Oh, no!
269
00:08:41,042 --> 00:08:42,783
[Nick grunting]
270
00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:47,222
[Angie giggling, Nick groaning]
271
00:08:47,265 --> 00:08:48,571
NICK:
No! This isn't...
272
00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:53,576
This is my nightmare!
[grunting]
273
00:08:57,798 --> 00:08:59,234
Merry Christmas!
274
00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:00,714
Oh.[whistling]
275
00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:02,411
[grunts]
276
00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:10,767
Hey. I know... I know
you're trying to avoid me,
277
00:09:10,811 --> 00:09:14,162
but just take this gift
I got you and I will walk away.
278
00:09:14,205 --> 00:09:16,599
I don't celebrate Christmas,
okay? Or as I like to call it,
279
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:19,515
White Anglo-Saxon Winter
Privilege Night.
280
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:20,734
I really want us
to be friends.
281
00:09:20,777 --> 00:09:22,779
Whenever you're ready.
282
00:09:22,823 --> 00:09:24,215
Because I really do
care about you.
283
00:09:24,259 --> 00:09:25,782
Thank you so much for this.
284
00:09:25,826 --> 00:09:28,263
'Cause this
makes it so much better.
285
00:09:30,482 --> 00:09:33,485
Here. This is for you.
286
00:09:33,529 --> 00:09:35,792
SCHMIDT:
What if you came home
with me tonight?
287
00:09:35,836 --> 00:09:38,621
You look like a hot elf.
288
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:41,624
Hold still.
Uh-huh.
289
00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:43,670
[sighs]
Got it.
290
00:09:43,713 --> 00:09:45,802
Oh, thank you, thank
you, thank you, man.
291
00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:47,804
Now that I think about it,
I mean, I'm not really
292
00:09:47,848 --> 00:09:49,327
surprised by you and...
you know.
293
00:09:49,371 --> 00:09:51,242
I mean, three guy roommates.
294
00:09:51,286 --> 00:09:53,331
If I really am being honest
with you,
295
00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:55,246
you were the only one
that I was really threatened by.
296
00:09:55,290 --> 00:09:57,814
I mean, you got
Metrosexual Jones
297
00:09:57,858 --> 00:09:59,511
and Sweatshirt Guy over there.
298
00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:00,991
Wait, what are we
talking about here?
299
00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:03,559
Yeah, I would trade places
with you in a heartbeat.
300
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,256
You know,
except for the mustache.
301
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:08,695
Can I ask you something?
How did you get her?
302
00:10:10,131 --> 00:10:12,829
Oh...
303
00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:14,439
Hmm.
304
00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:16,659
Jess.
305
00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:19,880
Yes. [clears throat]
Yes, my love.
306
00:10:19,923 --> 00:10:24,101
Honey, we both know we have been
unhappy for far too long.
307
00:10:24,145 --> 00:10:27,844
I am not just a vehicle you get
to ride to Pleasure Town.
308
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:31,674
Be gone, honky!
309
00:10:31,718 --> 00:10:33,850
[quietly]:
This is for your own good.
310
00:10:33,894 --> 00:10:36,200
Say good-bye
to paradise, honey!
311
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,555
We were never going out.
312
00:10:43,599 --> 00:10:46,602
Yeah, I got that.
313
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:51,563
I mean, Sam, what am
I supposed to think?
314
00:10:51,607 --> 00:10:53,087
So what? I'm just
supposed to believe you
315
00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:55,176
when all of a sudden
you come back to me,
316
00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:57,395
you tell me you
want to make it work?
317
00:10:57,439 --> 00:11:00,050
I-I want to believe you,
but I just feel so...
318
00:11:02,879 --> 00:11:04,707
No!
319
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:08,624
No! Why do you think
you can just kiss me?
320
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:09,886
I thought that was the right...
321
00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:11,322
That's all this ever was to you.
322
00:11:11,366 --> 00:11:12,889
That's not true, Jess.
No.
323
00:11:12,933 --> 00:11:15,892
No. I'm always so gullible,
and I'm not doing it.
324
00:11:15,936 --> 00:11:17,502
I'm not doing it anymore.
325
00:11:17,546 --> 00:11:19,069
I'm done.
326
00:11:19,113 --> 00:11:20,897
Oh, I mean, I get it.
327
00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:23,813
I'm... I'm too late.
I messed up.
328
00:11:23,857 --> 00:11:25,119
Yeah, you did.
You messed up.
329
00:11:25,162 --> 00:11:27,208
Well, I'll leave you alone.
Merry Christmas.
330
00:11:27,251 --> 00:11:28,644
No!
331
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,994
I'm leaving you alone.
332
00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:36,739
I know... I know you do this
kind of thing all the time,
333
00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:38,959
but believe it
or not, I don't.
334
00:11:39,002 --> 00:11:40,525
What? What does that mean?
335
00:11:40,569 --> 00:11:43,006
Look, I know for you,
this kind of stuff is normal.
336
00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:44,747
Oh.
Doing it in sleds.
337
00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:46,618
And...
This is because
I'm a stripper.
338
00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:47,968
[laughing]:
Yeah.
339
00:11:48,011 --> 00:11:49,099
Are you laughing at me?
No.
340
00:11:49,143 --> 00:11:53,103
I'm laughing into me.
341
00:11:53,147 --> 00:11:55,627
Maybe you just can't
handle this.
No. It's great.
342
00:11:55,671 --> 00:11:57,934
You're a stripper for now.
I'm a bartender for now.
343
00:11:57,978 --> 00:12:00,937
For now?
We're not gonna
be that for...
344
00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:02,634
Okay, well, for now,
I'm just gonna walk away.
345
00:12:02,678 --> 00:12:04,941
For now, you can kiss my ass.
346
00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:09,293
Nick Miller-- turning lemonade
into lemons since 1981.
347
00:12:14,255 --> 00:12:15,952
[sleigh bells jingling]WINSTON: Up on the housetop.
348
00:12:15,996 --> 00:12:17,693
Click, click, click.
349
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,477
You know, I just want
to say what's up to all
350
00:12:19,521 --> 00:12:21,697
my girls in the county
looking so lovely,
351
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:24,482
like you always
sometimes do.
352
00:12:24,526 --> 00:12:26,963
♪ Ho, ho, ho,
who wouldn't go? ♪
353
00:12:27,007 --> 00:12:28,878
♪ Ho, ho, ho...
354
00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:30,793
Hey.
Hey.
355
00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:32,577
What are you doing
in this place?
356
00:12:32,621 --> 00:12:35,015
Um...
357
00:12:37,713 --> 00:12:41,021
And we're back,
and I'm Dr. Gavin Daytona.
358
00:12:41,064 --> 00:12:43,980
You are live on the radio.
We got a caller Wendy.
359
00:12:44,024 --> 00:12:45,808
You are on the phone with
the doctor. What have you got?
360
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:48,376
Hey. Hey, Doctor.
361
00:12:48,419 --> 00:12:51,683
This is Dr. Gavin. You're live
to five million people.
362
00:12:51,727 --> 00:12:53,816
I actually,
I-I had a guy...Oh, yeah, you did.
363
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:56,776
I really
liked him.
[singsongy]:
Wah, wah!
364
00:12:58,038 --> 00:13:01,084
I'm right not to
believe him, right?
365
00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:03,913
I don't know, actually.
366
00:13:03,957 --> 00:13:07,308
I think you're the kind of girl
a guy would come back for.
367
00:13:09,049 --> 00:13:11,312
Buh, buh, buh.
368
00:13:19,537 --> 00:13:21,061
It was a bracelet.
369
00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:22,062
I don't even know
what you're talking about.
370
00:13:22,105 --> 00:13:24,847
Tungsten carbide,
because you said
371
00:13:24,891 --> 00:13:26,631
that was the most baller metal.
372
00:13:26,675 --> 00:13:28,198
That's what Statham wore
in all the Transportermovies.
373
00:13:28,242 --> 00:13:31,767
I just wanted to try
to find a way to say thank you
374
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,813
for telling me
that you loved me.
375
00:13:35,466 --> 00:13:38,034
Even if I was the wrong person.
376
00:13:38,078 --> 00:13:42,299
You're welcome, Cece.
377
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:45,868
But love is stupid, okay?
378
00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:47,565
It is a lie.
379
00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:51,047
So, bah humbug
to you, Cecilia.
380
00:13:51,091 --> 00:13:52,570
Bah humbug.
381
00:13:52,614 --> 00:13:54,921
Bah...
382
00:13:54,964 --> 00:13:56,748
humbug.
383
00:13:56,792 --> 00:13:59,012
♪ Up on the housetop,
click, click, click... ♪
384
00:13:59,055 --> 00:14:00,883
Where is your girlfriend?
385
00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,363
I blew it.
386
00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:05,888
She's so out there
and adventurous,
387
00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:07,977
and not afraid, and...
388
00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:09,022
She's probably bored
of me already.
389
00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:10,719
I mean, she doesn't
want to be here.
390
00:14:10,762 --> 00:14:13,069
Does Angie ever do anything
391
00:14:13,113 --> 00:14:14,766
she doesn't want to do?
392
00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:16,899
No.WINSTON: [distantly]
♪ Who wouldn't go?
393
00:14:16,943 --> 00:14:19,728
What's wrong with a girl that's
fearless? I think that could
394
00:14:19,771 --> 00:14:21,904
be good for you, especially
since you're such a chicken.
395
00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:24,951
[clucking Christmas song]Don't.
396
00:14:29,129 --> 00:14:31,348
Go get her.
397
00:14:31,392 --> 00:14:33,133
[grunting]
398
00:14:33,176 --> 00:14:35,613
[imitates chickens clucking]
399
00:14:35,657 --> 00:14:37,006
Is this on?
[over speakers]:
400
00:14:37,050 --> 00:14:38,616
It's on.
401
00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:40,314
Right on. Cool.
[laughs]
402
00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:43,099
[music stops]Um... Angie?
403
00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:46,929
that I'm an idiot.
I just want to say publicly
404
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:49,932
out there all the time.
I couldn't just put myself
405
00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:52,021
It's too scary.
406
00:14:52,065 --> 00:14:55,111
but here goes.
I'm not as brave as you,
407
00:14:55,155 --> 00:14:56,983
I'm very poor.
408
00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:59,637
would be an honor.
Having a checking account
409
00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:01,117
I'm a writer.
410
00:15:01,161 --> 00:15:03,903
It's terrible.
I've written a zombie book.
411
00:15:05,165 --> 00:15:06,209
I'm a slow runner.
412
00:15:06,253 --> 00:15:09,169
I'm obsessed with karate.
413
00:15:09,212 --> 00:15:11,823
Yeah, yeah.
414
00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:13,782
in the world.
You are the scariest thing
415
00:15:13,825 --> 00:15:17,133
to be going out with me.
And you're so goofy
416
00:15:17,177 --> 00:15:18,961
And I don't want to...
417
00:15:19,005 --> 00:15:21,398
Thank you for...
418
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,445
Winston?
419
00:15:24,488 --> 00:15:26,969
a favor, homeboy?
Why don't you do me
420
00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:28,884
Sorry I called you homeboy.
421
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,060
But turn that damn music up.
422
00:15:31,104 --> 00:15:33,193
to get sexy up in here.
'Cause I'm about
423
00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:35,369
[intro to "Deck the Halls"
plays]
424
00:15:35,412 --> 00:15:38,198
♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪
425
00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:42,028
♪ Fa la-la la-la,
la, la, la, la ♪
426
00:15:42,071 --> 00:15:44,160
♪ 'Tis the season
to be jolly... ♪
Sexy?
427
00:15:44,204 --> 00:15:45,422
No.Weird choice, but
I'm going for it.
428
00:15:45,466 --> 00:15:47,598
♪ Don we now
our gay apparel... ♪
429
00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:50,166
Would you give me
a second chance?
430
00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:51,994
♪ Fa la-la la-la,
la, la, la, la ♪Yes.
431
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:54,170
Good. See, I know
what sexy is.
432
00:15:54,214 --> 00:15:55,998
What's happening?And I'm gonna
show you
433
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,130
what kind of...
434
00:15:57,173 --> 00:15:59,001
Huh? Oh.
435
00:15:59,045 --> 00:16:02,178
Oh, no, no. Oh, okay.
436
00:16:02,222 --> 00:16:04,006
[grunting]Is this, is this a lap dance?
437
00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:05,094
This...
438
00:16:05,138 --> 00:16:08,358
This isn't happening.
Oh, God.
439
00:16:08,402 --> 00:16:09,620
[laughs]
440
00:16:09,664 --> 00:16:12,232
♪ Follow me
in merry measure... ♪
441
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,451
Oh, yeah, that-that's
the stuff.
442
00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:17,019
That-That's kind of the stuff.
443
00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:19,195
Sexy.
444
00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:21,502
♪ Fast away
the old year passes ♪
445
00:16:21,545 --> 00:16:23,243
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la... ♪
446
00:16:23,286 --> 00:16:25,810
Let me show you how to do it.
447
00:16:25,854 --> 00:16:27,029
♪ Ye lads and lasses
448
00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:29,205
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
449
00:16:29,249 --> 00:16:31,251
♪ Sing we joyous all together
450
00:16:31,294 --> 00:16:35,168
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
451
00:16:35,211 --> 00:16:38,127
♪ Heedless of the wind
and weather ♪
452
00:16:38,171 --> 00:16:40,825
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la... ♪
453
00:16:40,869 --> 00:16:43,219
Okay, Angie, Angie,
you're doing it all wrong.
454
00:16:43,263 --> 00:16:44,220
Okay, honey?
455
00:16:44,264 --> 00:16:45,047
Let me just...
456
00:16:46,309 --> 00:16:48,529
Eye contact.
457
00:16:48,572 --> 00:16:51,836
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la... ♪
458
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:54,143
What are you doing?You are as dumb as it gets.
459
00:16:54,187 --> 00:16:57,146
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
460
00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:59,105
♪ Don we now our gay a...
461
00:17:00,454 --> 00:17:02,282
WINSTON: What the hell?CECE: What are you doing?
462
00:17:02,325 --> 00:17:05,241
I just... I-I'm sorry, I think
I made a mistake about Sam.
463
00:17:05,285 --> 00:17:07,113
I think I need to turn around.SCHMIDT: No, you didn't, Jess.
464
00:17:07,156 --> 00:17:08,679
You did the right thing.You're right,
you're right.
465
00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:12,770
[siren chirps]Aah, no!
Oh, come on.
466
00:17:12,814 --> 00:17:14,729
JESS:
No, no, no.
467
00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:16,296
[groans]
468
00:17:16,339 --> 00:17:18,080
No, no, no, no.WINSTON: We are so busted.
469
00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:19,734
Oh, Jess, you reek of booze.
470
00:17:19,777 --> 00:17:22,258
Winston threw
a drink on me.
471
00:17:22,302 --> 00:17:23,520
CECE: Turn on the waterworks.NICK: Just take the jacket off.
472
00:17:23,564 --> 00:17:25,261
WINSTON:
We are so busted.
473
00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:26,915
There's two of you?
Come on, I thought we were
474
00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:28,134
in the middle
of a budget crisis.
475
00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:29,178
JESS:
Officer, I understand
476
00:17:29,222 --> 00:17:31,093
how this looks and smells,
477
00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:34,227
but I assure you, I would not
ever get behind the wheel
478
00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:37,926
of a vehicle if I had had
even a drop to drink.
479
00:17:37,969 --> 00:17:40,320
This has just been
the most crazy night.
480
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:42,278
[voice breaking]:
And I'm not going to cry
481
00:17:42,322 --> 00:17:45,194
because I believe
in traffic violations
482
00:17:45,238 --> 00:17:47,892
and paying your debt to society,
but you have
483
00:17:47,936 --> 00:17:50,112
to believe...I believe you.
484
00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:52,114
You do?
485
00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:55,117
Why?Jess, be cool.
486
00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:57,293
Sometimes people tell the truth.
487
00:17:57,337 --> 00:17:58,773
You drive safely,
488
00:17:58,816 --> 00:18:01,341
and happy holidays.
489
00:18:03,821 --> 00:18:04,996
[sighs]
490
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:06,737
[chuckles]
491
00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:08,348
Was that...?Santa.
492
00:18:08,391 --> 00:18:09,610
Black Santa.
We saw Santa.
493
00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:11,612
It was Black Santa.[overlapping chatter]
494
00:18:11,655 --> 00:18:13,309
Santa Claus
isn't even real.
495
00:18:13,353 --> 00:18:15,050
We got a black president,
we got a black Santa Claus.
496
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,921
It was not Black Santa Claus!
497
00:18:16,965 --> 00:18:19,315
What a-- that's ludicrous.
498
00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:20,621
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.
499
00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:22,144
Now, what is he doing?
500
00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:23,841
He should be at home
getting ready.
501
00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:25,147
I believe.
502
00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:28,150
I believe Sam
503
00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:29,369
and I want to go see him.
504
00:18:29,412 --> 00:18:31,153
To the Black North Pole!
505
00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:32,372
[overlapping chatter]We saw Black Santa.
506
00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:34,287
Black Santa Claus?!
507
00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:36,332
I am so sick of hanging out
with Christians.
508
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:38,378
This is my last
Christian Christmas.
509
00:18:42,773 --> 00:18:44,166
Hi, um, I'm here
to see, um...
Do you have
510
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:46,299
family members
in the hospital?
Uh, no, uh...
511
00:18:46,342 --> 00:18:47,865
Then, you're not here
to see anyone.
512
00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:50,259
Visiting hours
are over.
It's Christmas.
513
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:55,525
Okay, new plan.
514
00:18:55,569 --> 00:18:58,180
We're carolers.[overlapping chatter]
515
00:18:58,224 --> 00:18:59,225
Gum?
516
00:19:02,315 --> 00:19:04,186
Boobs?
517
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:06,188
Thank you.
518
00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:08,799
FYI, I'm totally fine
with what just happened.
519
00:19:10,366 --> 00:19:11,802
Schmidt, let's go,
let's go.
520
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,848
Look.
521
00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:19,854
Jess, I still think
this is a mistake.
522
00:19:19,897 --> 00:19:21,464
I mean, what if
he hurts you again?
523
00:19:21,508 --> 00:19:23,118
Sometimes people tell
the truth, Schmidt.
524
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,467
Oh, thank you, Professor Cliché,
525
00:19:24,511 --> 00:19:26,077
just in time for
the holidays.
526
00:19:26,121 --> 00:19:28,863
Hold it.
Oh, okay,
well, we should...
527
00:19:28,906 --> 00:19:30,169
[clearing throat]:
Um, madrigals.
528
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:35,304
♪ O come, all ye faithful
529
00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:39,003
ALL [out of sync]:
♪ Joyful and triumphant
530
00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:41,441
[all singing different lyrics]
531
00:19:41,484 --> 00:19:45,314
♪ Matzo ball, Star of
David, Hanukkah ♪
532
00:19:45,358 --> 00:19:47,186
♪ Gotta do what you wanna do
when you do it ♪
♪ Menorah
533
00:19:48,274 --> 00:19:50,101
♪ Come
534
00:19:50,145 --> 00:19:51,277
[all singing different lyrics]
535
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:55,455
♪ I don't know the words
536
00:19:55,498 --> 00:19:58,327
♪ I don't know
the words... ♪
537
00:19:58,371 --> 00:20:02,288
[all singing different lyrics]
538
00:20:02,331 --> 00:20:06,030
♪ I don't...
539
00:20:06,074 --> 00:20:08,511
♪ Know
540
00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:10,513
♪ The
541
00:20:10,557 --> 00:20:17,390
♪ Wor...
542
00:20:17,433 --> 00:20:18,913
♪ ...rds-ah!
543
00:20:18,956 --> 00:20:20,480
[cheering]
544
00:20:20,523 --> 00:20:22,046
Good stuff.All right.
545
00:20:22,090 --> 00:20:23,613
Yeah, thanks so much.Thank you very much.
546
00:20:23,657 --> 00:20:25,441
SAM:
Okay, okay, everyone,
back in your rooms.
547
00:20:25,485 --> 00:20:27,356
It's okay, I know
these people.
548
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:28,357
It's okay.All right.
549
00:20:28,401 --> 00:20:30,316
Thank you.
550
00:20:30,359 --> 00:20:31,708
You came back.
551
00:20:31,752 --> 00:20:34,320
Yeah, um...
552
00:20:34,363 --> 00:20:35,408
Jess, I know that
you don't believe me,
553
00:20:35,451 --> 00:20:37,932
but when we met, I...
554
00:20:37,975 --> 00:20:39,977
this girl had
screwed me up.
555
00:20:46,201 --> 00:20:47,898
I believe you.
556
00:20:49,552 --> 00:20:54,340
♪ My friends wanna know how it
came to be that, ooh ♪
557
00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:56,298
NICK:
All right, you're in
a hospital, so...
558
00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:57,560
A lot of hands.
559
00:20:57,604 --> 00:20:59,432
All right, Doctor,
ease up, ease up.
560
00:20:59,475 --> 00:21:02,522
♪ 'Cause I caught Santa
under my tree... ♪
561
00:21:02,565 --> 00:21:03,653
Cab it
to the next party?
562
00:21:03,697 --> 00:21:05,351
Yes.
563
00:21:05,394 --> 00:21:07,396
Cece, do you want to come?
564
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,703
I mean, I think there's
a cab stand, uh...
565
00:21:09,746 --> 00:21:11,748
Uh, maybe it's down that way.
566
00:21:11,792 --> 00:21:14,447
Could be over there,
I don't know.
567
00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:16,927
I didn't really give it away,
you know.
568
00:21:16,971 --> 00:21:18,233
I'd never do that.
569
00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:19,887
Happy Hanukkah.
570
00:21:19,930 --> 00:21:21,192
Happy Moon Festival, Cece.
571
00:21:21,236 --> 00:21:22,237
Nope, not a thing.
572
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,543
Happy Carnaval.
573
00:21:23,586 --> 00:21:24,500
You should stop
while you're ahead.
574
00:21:24,544 --> 00:21:28,461
Uh, where are Nick and Angie?
575
00:21:28,504 --> 00:21:30,941
Ugh, in a
children's hospital.
576
00:21:30,985 --> 00:21:32,508
Sexual animals,
sexual animals.
577
00:21:32,552 --> 00:21:39,428
Shameless, just shameless.
578
00:21:39,472 --> 00:21:40,473
Captioned by
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