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1
00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:03,220
[indistinct chatter]
2
00:00:03,264 --> 00:00:04,743
Jess, I'm not
done with that.
3
00:00:04,787 --> 00:00:06,484
That's $18
granola-- handmade.
4
00:00:06,528 --> 00:00:08,312
$18 for granola?
5
00:00:08,356 --> 00:00:09,966
Okay, you're gonna be eating
two Thanksgiving meals today,
6
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,272
so starve yourself.
7
00:00:11,315 --> 00:00:12,273
WINSTON: Jess, I get
it that your parents
8
00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:13,622
are divorced, but can't they
9
00:00:13,665 --> 00:00:15,102
just have one meal together?
10
00:00:15,145 --> 00:00:16,668
CECE:
Yeah, sure, they can
if they're both
11
00:00:16,712 --> 00:00:18,279
gagged and blindfolded.
12
00:00:18,322 --> 00:00:20,063
JESS:
Okay, listen up, guys,
my mom is gonna be here
13
00:00:20,107 --> 00:00:21,891
at 9:00
and she's staying till 2:00,
14
00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:23,936
and then my dad's going
to be here at 2:30
15
00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:25,329
and he's gonna stay till 7:30.
16
00:00:25,373 --> 00:00:26,939
I should also
warn you guys
17
00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:28,941
that my mom's
a little bit perky.Wait,
18
00:00:28,985 --> 00:00:30,160
you think she's perky?
19
00:00:30,204 --> 00:00:31,118
Well, she doesn't have
my dark side.
20
00:00:31,161 --> 00:00:32,510
I got that from my dad.
21
00:00:32,554 --> 00:00:33,642
Nick, you're gonna love
22
00:00:33,685 --> 00:00:34,730
my dad so much.
23
00:00:34,773 --> 00:00:36,297
He's so unhappy.
24
00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:38,212
I'm not into dads,
I'm not a dad guy.
25
00:00:38,255 --> 00:00:40,692
I don't like 'em,
don't trust 'em, never have.[knocking]
26
00:00:40,736 --> 00:00:41,693
Oh, that's her.
27
00:00:41,737 --> 00:00:42,694
It's okay, man.
28
00:00:42,738 --> 00:00:44,479
What's okay, man?
29
00:00:44,522 --> 00:00:46,089
Oh.
Momsicle.
30
00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:48,309
Oh, Jujube.
31
00:00:48,352 --> 00:00:49,223
Wow, showed up looking
like a pilgrim.
32
00:00:49,266 --> 00:00:50,485
Every year.Hello, everyone.
33
00:00:50,528 --> 00:00:51,921
This is my mom Joan.
Hi.
34
00:00:51,964 --> 00:00:53,444
This is everybody.
Hi.
35
00:00:53,488 --> 00:00:56,099
Oh, come on over, I just want
to give you all a big hug.
36
00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:58,275
Oh, come on, big
Thanksgiving hug.Do it, come on.
37
00:00:58,319 --> 00:01:00,277
Come on, we'll do a
big hug ball, come on.
38
00:01:00,321 --> 00:01:02,149
Come on, Cece, you
know how to do this.
Yep.
39
00:01:02,192 --> 00:01:03,193
You in the white shirt.
40
00:01:03,237 --> 00:01:04,325
I don't do hug balls.
41
00:01:04,368 --> 00:01:05,456
Come on in.
42
00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:07,371
Hug ball jumping,
hug ball jumping.
43
00:01:07,415 --> 00:01:09,156
Okay.
44
00:01:09,199 --> 00:01:10,287
All right.Whoo!
45
00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:11,767
Oh, dear God.
46
00:01:12,942 --> 00:01:14,813
A hug ball?
JESS:
Dad.
47
00:01:14,857 --> 00:01:17,033
Well, hello, Bob.You're early.
48
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:19,122
You know what
I'm thankful for today?
49
00:01:19,166 --> 00:01:20,906
Divorce.
50
00:01:20,950 --> 00:01:22,343
♪ Who's that girl?
51
00:01:22,386 --> 00:01:25,085
♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess.
52
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:31,352
No, no, no, no, it was my
mistake, it's my mistake.
53
00:01:31,395 --> 00:01:32,831
I'll wait five hours
54
00:01:32,875 --> 00:01:34,311
and come back when
Joan's shift is up.
55
00:01:34,355 --> 00:01:36,139
JOAN:
Bob, just stay.
56
00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:37,314
What if we need
something ruined?
57
00:01:37,358 --> 00:01:39,055
Mom.
It's all right, I'll
spend my holiday
58
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,535
at a Los Angeles
coffee shop...
59
00:01:40,578 --> 00:01:42,363
No.
...sitting around
with people
60
00:01:42,406 --> 00:01:44,539
who have nothing better
to do on Thanksgiving
61
00:01:44,582 --> 00:01:46,323
than work on
their screenplay.
62
00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:48,282
I probably won't want
to blow my head off.
63
00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:50,284
Bob, we are both grown-ups.
64
00:01:50,327 --> 00:01:51,763
We can make it through one day
65
00:01:51,807 --> 00:01:52,982
together.
66
00:01:53,025 --> 00:01:54,375
Please, Dad.
67
00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:55,811
[elevator bell dings]
68
00:01:58,596 --> 00:02:01,338
Well done, Jessica Day.Pardon?
69
00:02:01,382 --> 00:02:05,168
"My mom's coming at 9:00 a.m.
and my dad's coming at 2:30."
70
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,170
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
71
00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:09,390
The movie you made me watch
a million times.
72
00:02:09,433 --> 00:02:11,174
Rocky IV? Parent Trap.
73
00:02:11,218 --> 00:02:14,351
What?
I don't...
74
00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:15,744
Mm-hmm.
75
00:02:15,787 --> 00:02:17,006
Why would I do that?
76
00:02:17,049 --> 00:02:18,529
Parent Trap--crazy.
77
00:02:18,573 --> 00:02:21,228
Mom, Dad, help,
there's a man in the room.
78
00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:23,404
He's trying to get us
to eat candy.
79
00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:24,405
Jess, Jess.
Jess?
80
00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:25,406
Jess, are you okay?
81
00:02:25,449 --> 00:02:27,625
What's the matter?
Are you...?
82
00:02:27,669 --> 00:02:31,368
Oh, damn it, Jess,
that's the second time today.
83
00:02:31,412 --> 00:02:33,240
Smile, Mom, you still got it.
84
00:02:33,283 --> 00:02:35,764
Jessica,
what are you doing?
85
00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:37,331
I want him to see
what he's missing.
86
00:02:37,374 --> 00:02:39,246
You're texting your father?!
87
00:02:39,289 --> 00:02:41,248
That was a long
time ago, Cece,
88
00:02:41,291 --> 00:02:42,249
when I was
young and naive.
89
00:02:42,292 --> 00:02:44,207
Just go.
Excuse me.
90
00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:45,817
[sighs]
91
00:02:45,861 --> 00:02:47,254
WINSTON: What's with all
the crappy beer, man?
92
00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:49,386
You hate that stuff.
93
00:02:49,430 --> 00:02:50,779
Let's just say that my cousin
doesn't exactly have
94
00:02:50,822 --> 00:02:52,563
the most sophisticated palate.
95
00:02:52,607 --> 00:02:55,349
Raised by wolf-like parents
in the wilds of Minnesota,
96
00:02:55,392 --> 00:02:56,828
he actually went to juvie
97
00:02:56,872 --> 00:02:58,395
for stealing
the synagogue's minivan.
98
00:02:58,439 --> 00:02:59,657
It's been that way
since we were kids.
99
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:01,224
Made my life a living hell.
100
00:03:01,268 --> 00:03:04,271
I'm the strong kind
of fat.
101
00:03:04,314 --> 00:03:05,402
[laughs]
102
00:03:05,446 --> 00:03:07,404
Yes, yes, yes!
103
00:03:07,448 --> 00:03:10,015
Please tell me he's going
to sit on you when he gets here.
104
00:03:10,059 --> 00:03:12,061
He's a good guy, I'm telling
you, he's totally changed.
105
00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:14,063
Okay.
He settled down with
this great woman named Krista.
106
00:03:14,106 --> 00:03:15,282
She's coming.
107
00:03:15,325 --> 00:03:16,587
Actually went to Legoland
with them last year.
108
00:03:16,631 --> 00:03:19,068
He didn't pressure me
to go on any of the rides
109
00:03:19,111 --> 00:03:20,417
I wasn't comfortable with.
110
00:03:20,461 --> 00:03:22,898
Ho!Ha-ha.
111
00:03:22,941 --> 00:03:24,247
How you doing,
little buddy?
112
00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:25,292
Come here.
113
00:03:25,335 --> 00:03:26,380
Oh!
Oh!
114
00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:27,859
Okay.
115
00:03:27,903 --> 00:03:29,513
Hey.
What's up, man?
Winston.
116
00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:30,688
Nice to meet you,
I'm Schmidt.
117
00:03:30,732 --> 00:03:32,734
I actually go by Schmidt,
uh, around here.
118
00:03:32,777 --> 00:03:34,431
There can only be one--
you know the rule.
119
00:03:34,475 --> 00:03:36,303
Ah! Look at that
right there.
That's...
120
00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:37,434
Where's Krista?
121
00:03:37,478 --> 00:03:39,306
Krista and I have
a new arrangement.
122
00:03:39,349 --> 00:03:40,655
[laughing]:
Okay.
I, uh,
123
00:03:40,698 --> 00:03:42,396
I can sleep with
whoever I want,
124
00:03:42,439 --> 00:03:45,486
but she doesn't speak to me
or live with me anymore.
125
00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:49,446
[laughs]
Hey, Dad,
126
00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:50,447
you want to help us?
I have
127
00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:51,883
to stay away
from salmonella.
128
00:03:51,927 --> 00:03:53,929
[scoffs]
You don't have
to lick it, Bob.
129
00:03:53,972 --> 00:03:55,365
No, no, no,
my doctor says...
130
00:03:55,409 --> 00:03:58,281
It was a joke,
it was just a joke.
131
00:03:58,325 --> 00:03:59,326
I have a sense
of humor.
132
00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:01,284
If that was a joke,
here is a pencil.
133
00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:02,851
Draw me a map
to the joke.
134
00:04:02,894 --> 00:04:04,418
Guys, it doesn't have
to be like this.
135
00:04:04,461 --> 00:04:07,290
Mom, you're in a great
place with your practice.
136
00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:09,510
Dad, I'm sorry Katherine
cheated on you,
137
00:04:09,553 --> 00:04:11,642
but it's been months.Jess.
138
00:04:11,686 --> 00:04:13,470
What are you...?I'm sorry, I thought,
139
00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:15,385
I thought, I-- I'm s--
I thought everyone knew.
140
00:04:15,429 --> 00:04:17,300
You grieved so publicly
on Instagram--
141
00:04:17,344 --> 00:04:20,956
all those pictures of sad
trees and, and your lunches.
142
00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:22,218
[sighs]
143
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,306
Katherine cheated?
144
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:25,221
Yeah.
145
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,310
JOAN: Oh, Bob, that's
terrible, I'm so sorry.
146
00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:28,442
Yeah.
No, really, I
had no idea.
147
00:04:28,485 --> 00:04:29,356
Yeah, well, yeah.
148
00:04:29,399 --> 00:04:31,880
JOAN:
Oh, sorry, really.
149
00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:32,881
Come here, come
here, let me...
150
00:04:32,924 --> 00:04:34,404
Salmonella...
151
00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:35,318
Salmonella.
Okay.
152
00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:36,972
I liked her.
You did?
153
00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:38,495
No, no.
I didn't think so.
154
00:04:38,539 --> 00:04:40,541
["It Doesn't Have to Be
That Way" by Jim Croce playing]
155
00:04:40,584 --> 00:04:42,325
Hey, remember that song, huh?
156
00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:43,892
Sure, Bob.
Yeah.
157
00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:45,197
Do I remember that?That was the night.
158
00:04:45,241 --> 00:04:46,460
Great night.
Yeah.
159
00:04:46,503 --> 00:04:47,983
Oh, yeah.
I'm not talking
about the concert.
160
00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:50,028
No, the after--
the afterparty.
161
00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:51,421
The afterparty.The after-- yeah.
162
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:54,555
Jess, no.
163
00:04:54,598 --> 00:04:56,644
Parent trap.
164
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:03,694
Okay, admittedly this is
a little bit crazy,
165
00:05:03,738 --> 00:05:06,480
but if this is going to work,
you're both helping me.
166
00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:07,916
Okay, I'm out of here.Sit down, sit down.
167
00:05:07,959 --> 00:05:09,483
I'm not doing
a parent trap.
Nick,
168
00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:11,702
they got married too young,
they got divorced too young.
169
00:05:11,746 --> 00:05:14,139
I think this could
really make them happy.
170
00:05:14,183 --> 00:05:15,837
They need us.
Here's the plan:
171
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,447
we're gonna make
my mom look so hot
172
00:05:17,491 --> 00:05:18,970
that my dad can't resist her.
173
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:20,798
Your parent trap--
there's no identical twins
174
00:05:20,842 --> 00:05:22,278
or mistaken identity?
175
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,715
Not a parent trap,
it's a makeover.
176
00:05:24,759 --> 00:05:27,022
The only thing you have to do
is distract my dad.
177
00:05:27,065 --> 00:05:29,198
A parent trap takes
weeks of scheduling.
178
00:05:29,241 --> 00:05:30,634
I feel like you're just
throwing this together.
179
00:05:30,678 --> 00:05:32,070
This is a makeshift
parent trap;
180
00:05:32,114 --> 00:05:33,202
they don't work.Why do you have
181
00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:34,464
to ruin everything, Nick?
182
00:05:34,508 --> 00:05:35,726
I don't know, I've
got something bad
183
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:38,860
inside of me.
I ruin things.
184
00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:40,165
Let's do this parent trap.
185
00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:41,166
Yes.
186
00:05:41,210 --> 00:05:42,429
[laughs]
187
00:05:42,472 --> 00:05:44,387
Oh, would you
look at that?
188
00:05:44,431 --> 00:05:46,563
She's spectacular.
Wow.
189
00:05:46,607 --> 00:05:48,609
Well, you know,
we used to date, right?
190
00:05:48,652 --> 00:05:49,436
You, Schmiggle?
191
00:05:49,479 --> 00:05:51,568
Schmidt.Please.
192
00:05:51,612 --> 00:05:53,004
Cece, can you please
come over here
193
00:05:53,048 --> 00:05:54,832
and confirm our intercourse?
194
00:05:54,876 --> 00:05:57,444
And then I dumped her 'cause
I was like, you know, whatever.
195
00:05:57,487 --> 00:05:59,010
You mean, you ran away scared.
196
00:05:59,054 --> 00:06:01,448
Exactly, you're not enough man
for a woman like that.
197
00:06:01,491 --> 00:06:03,406
Okay, yeah, and you are?Damn right I am.
198
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:05,452
Well, I'll tell you what,
if you guys want to find out
199
00:06:05,495 --> 00:06:08,455
who's truly the manliest,
you should have a contest.
200
00:06:08,498 --> 00:06:10,413
I'm listening.
Go on.
The winner
201
00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:14,286
of this contest will be
declared the one true Schmidt.
202
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:16,463
Yes.
It is on.
CECE:
What are you doing?
203
00:06:16,506 --> 00:06:18,290
I'm bored.
Nice.
204
00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:21,598
Seems like every time
they want
205
00:06:21,642 --> 00:06:23,470
to move a team
to Los Angeles,
206
00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:25,472
the team that's most likely
to move here,
207
00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:26,473
the owner Al Davis...
208
00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:27,474
BOTH:
Dead.
209
00:06:27,517 --> 00:06:28,997
And then they talk to the,
210
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,434
to the Ravens and their owner
Art Modell-- dead.
211
00:06:31,478 --> 00:06:33,262
Dead.
You know
what I mean?
212
00:06:33,305 --> 00:06:34,655
Who-Who's going
to speak out for us,
213
00:06:34,698 --> 00:06:36,526
I mean, the voice of the NFL--
Steve Sabol? Dead.
214
00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:38,310
Also dead.Exactly.
215
00:06:38,354 --> 00:06:40,443
You know, it doesn't take
a genius. All you got to do is
216
00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:41,662
follow the money.Always follow the money.
217
00:06:41,705 --> 00:06:42,793
That's what
I always say.
218
00:06:42,837 --> 00:06:43,707
You always follow the money.Yeah, yeah.
219
00:06:43,751 --> 00:06:45,492
Oil companies.Pharmaceuticals.
220
00:06:45,535 --> 00:06:48,669
Big business,
chicken corporations.
221
00:06:48,712 --> 00:06:50,105
BOTH:
Corn.
222
00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:52,934
Yeah.
223
00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:00,507
Just explain to me again
why we're doing this.
224
00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:03,510
Because, when Cece's
all washed up as a model,
225
00:07:03,553 --> 00:07:04,685
she wants to be
a makeup artist.
226
00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:06,948
And I want to help her
realize her dreams.
227
00:07:06,991 --> 00:07:08,340
[mouths]
228
00:07:08,384 --> 00:07:09,603
Yeah, it's my plan B.
229
00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:12,649
Okay, stop.
Seriously, it's just too much.
230
00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:13,911
The makeup and-and your dress?
231
00:07:13,955 --> 00:07:15,652
The only reason I wear makeup
in Portland
232
00:07:15,696 --> 00:07:17,045
is to keep the rain off my face.
233
00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:21,615
So your hair just does,
like, this one thing, right?
234
00:07:21,658 --> 00:07:24,531
Sorry.
235
00:07:24,574 --> 00:07:26,358
I don't know if Jess
has told you this,
236
00:07:26,402 --> 00:07:27,664
but I am writing a novel.
237
00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:29,100
Oh, really?
Yeah.
What's it about?
238
00:07:29,144 --> 00:07:30,493
It's about zombies.
239
00:07:30,537 --> 00:07:31,668
Zombies?
240
00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:32,713
And it's a relationship story.
241
00:07:32,756 --> 00:07:34,149
It has a great love story
in there
242
00:07:34,192 --> 00:07:35,716
that could be made into a movie,
I think.
243
00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:37,544
The love story's between...
244
00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:38,849
The zombie and Carol.
245
00:07:38,893 --> 00:07:41,417
Zombie and the-the...
Carol is not a zombie?
246
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,810
She's a regular person?No, she's a rich girl.
247
00:07:42,853 --> 00:07:44,551
Oh, so it's like the Twilight
thing where...
248
00:07:44,594 --> 00:07:46,204
It's not like the Twilight...
No, it isn't.
249
00:07:46,248 --> 00:07:47,597
Where the vampire falls in love
with a regular person.
250
00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:49,120
You don't really...
you don't get it.
251
00:07:49,164 --> 00:07:50,687
It's the same thing.Oh, really?
252
00:07:50,731 --> 00:07:52,123
Is there another guy
on Twilight,
253
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:53,647
that there's a bit
of a love triangle with?
254
00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:55,344
Yes.
255
00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:57,999
Let me... does Twilight
have a wolf in it?
256
00:07:58,042 --> 00:07:59,435
Yes.It does?
257
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:00,567
Yes.
258
00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:01,524
Is Twilightin Seattle?
259
00:08:01,568 --> 00:08:03,787
Yes!
260
00:08:05,006 --> 00:08:08,575
Well, then whoever wrote that
is smart.
261
00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:10,098
Um, listen,
262
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:12,013
I know you were very young,
263
00:08:12,056 --> 00:08:13,797
and I'll completely forgive you,
264
00:08:13,841 --> 00:08:15,712
just tell me the truth--
265
00:08:15,756 --> 00:08:17,627
Did you drive my van?
266
00:08:17,671 --> 00:08:19,760
Joan, I have told you this.
267
00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:21,544
It wasn't me.
268
00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:23,590
Okay, I believe you.
269
00:08:23,633 --> 00:08:25,548
I know it was you.
270
00:08:27,071 --> 00:08:30,640
Wow, I look like
a slutty Katie Couric.
271
00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:33,948
The trap has been set.
272
00:08:33,991 --> 00:08:35,819
Is is working?
Mm-hmm.
273
00:08:35,863 --> 00:08:37,212
Croce makes my mom frisky.
274
00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:38,474
Check it out.
275
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:39,910
♪
276
00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:41,172
Oh, hey, your mom
looks great.
277
00:08:41,216 --> 00:08:42,565
Really? [clicks tongue]
278
00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:44,567
Go hit on her.
What?
279
00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:45,786
My dad gets super jealous.
280
00:08:45,829 --> 00:08:47,614
So if you go lay some
sweet game on her...
281
00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:49,790
Go hit on your mother?I was going to make
Schmidt do it.
282
00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:50,921
No, no, no, I can't hit on...
283
00:08:50,965 --> 00:08:53,271
Hey, Mom. Mom, uh,
Jess...
284
00:08:53,315 --> 00:08:55,970
Nick was just saying
that your décolletage
285
00:08:56,013 --> 00:08:58,668
looks bewitching
in that dress.
286
00:08:58,712 --> 00:09:00,757
Right, Nick?Thank you.
287
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:03,412
[clears throat]
I like your de, uh...
288
00:09:03,455 --> 00:09:06,415
your de... de-collage.
289
00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:07,634
Say hello to my
sister wives,
290
00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:09,636
Mrs. Schmidt and
Mrs. Schmidt.
291
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,246
[both grunting]
292
00:09:11,289 --> 00:09:13,422
All right, time
for delts? Yeah.
Oh, yeah?
293
00:09:13,465 --> 00:09:15,250
I'm slowly regretting this.
294
00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:16,817
[scoffs] Definition
is for chicks, man.
295
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:18,035
All right, it's
all about size.
296
00:09:18,079 --> 00:09:19,820
I mean, look at the
mass on this bitch.
297
00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:21,648
Stupid.
What's your calf
situation like?
298
00:09:21,691 --> 00:09:23,519
Calves?
Want to see some ankle circles?
299
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:24,738
Look at that.
Some donkey raises?
300
00:09:24,781 --> 00:09:26,783
One, two...
301
00:09:26,827 --> 00:09:28,089
No, no, no, no, no.
Wheelbarrow.
302
00:09:28,132 --> 00:09:29,830
What's a wheelbarrow?Wheelbarrow.
303
00:09:29,873 --> 00:09:30,961
Every kid knows what
a wheelbarrow is.
304
00:09:31,005 --> 00:09:32,267
Put your hands
on the ground.
305
00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:33,834
Hands on the ground.
306
00:09:33,877 --> 00:09:35,879
Hey! All right.
307
00:09:35,923 --> 00:09:37,751
Turn him around.
Faster.
Yeah, all right.
308
00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:39,491
Come on, man,
really work those calves.
309
00:09:39,535 --> 00:09:41,015
Look at this, Winston,
I can do this all day, man.
310
00:09:41,058 --> 00:09:42,712
No, I got it
all day, man.
311
00:09:42,756 --> 00:09:43,844
All day,
I don't even think about it.
312
00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,802
That's awesome.
Keep going.
313
00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:48,022
All day.
I can do this all day, Winston.I got all day, too!
314
00:09:48,065 --> 00:09:49,545
Hey, how long can you
do this for?
315
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:50,807
I can do this all day!
316
00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:52,679
Yeah, I got all day, too!Winston!
317
00:09:52,722 --> 00:09:53,723
Why are you yelling at me?
318
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:54,681
I'll do this all day!
319
00:09:54,724 --> 00:09:56,639
I'll do it all day,
Winston!
320
00:09:56,683 --> 00:09:58,815
This is great.I'll do it all
day, Winston!
321
00:09:58,859 --> 00:10:00,817
NICK:
Joan, I've got to say
322
00:10:00,861 --> 00:10:01,905
you are great...
323
00:10:01,949 --> 00:10:03,211
at doing what you're doing.
324
00:10:03,254 --> 00:10:05,039
You got those beautiful
strong arms.
325
00:10:05,082 --> 00:10:07,215
You want to give
it a try? Okay.
326
00:10:07,258 --> 00:10:10,827
Mom and Nick seem to be
really getting along great.
327
00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:12,699
Well, no, no, no...Is that good?
328
00:10:12,742 --> 00:10:14,483
You're wasting it.Oh, sorry, then show me.
329
00:10:14,526 --> 00:10:16,267
Mm, yeah.
330
00:10:16,311 --> 00:10:18,313
Yeah, we got to get
the whole thing.
331
00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:19,314
There you go.
332
00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:21,055
What is happening?
333
00:10:21,098 --> 00:10:23,318
I can feel the chemistry
from here.
334
00:10:23,361 --> 00:10:24,885
I sprayed all over.
335
00:10:24,928 --> 00:10:26,669
[giggling]
Clean up time.
336
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:28,845
Like, whoa.
337
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:31,326
Jess, what are you doing?
338
00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:32,588
Watching the game.
339
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:33,676
You're doing the
parent trap thing again.
340
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,591
What? Dad...
Yes.
341
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:36,723
I have a master's degree.
342
00:10:36,766 --> 00:10:38,594
I'm not parent trapping.
343
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:39,856
You're such a liar.
Seriously,
344
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:41,336
I'm not... Okay.
Fine, you're right.
345
00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:43,251
You need help.Why do I do that?
346
00:10:43,294 --> 00:10:46,123
I don't understand.
Every time, it never worked out.
347
00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:47,908
Okay, I'm calling
it off. Nick.
348
00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:50,084
♪ Every time I try
to tell you ♪
349
00:10:50,127 --> 00:10:51,738
♪ The words just
come out wrong ♪
350
00:10:51,781 --> 00:10:53,740
Nick!
351
00:10:53,783 --> 00:10:55,959
BOTH:
♪ So I have to say
"I love you" ♪
352
00:10:56,003 --> 00:10:57,744
♪ In a song.
353
00:10:57,787 --> 00:10:58,832
Nick!I love that.
354
00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:00,398
Nick!
Thanks for helping me out,
355
00:11:00,442 --> 00:11:01,704
but I'm calling
it off.
356
00:11:01,748 --> 00:11:03,097
She's doing another one
of her parent traps.
357
00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:04,925
Can I top you off?Yes, please.
358
00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:05,882
Hey, Nick,
what are you doing?
359
00:11:05,926 --> 00:11:07,101
I don't know, Jessica.
360
00:11:07,144 --> 00:11:08,798
I'm a little bit confused.
361
00:11:08,842 --> 00:11:09,930
I think I'm
into your mother.
362
00:11:09,973 --> 00:11:11,627
What?!I don't know how it happened.
363
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,063
In truth, it happens
all the time, Nick.
364
00:11:13,107 --> 00:11:15,413
I don't know if it's
the sweet sounds of Jimmy Croce
365
00:11:15,457 --> 00:11:17,198
or the sweet smells
of this turkey...
366
00:11:17,241 --> 00:11:18,852
Nick, this is not what
we talked about.
367
00:11:18,895 --> 00:11:21,202
I know but it got...Give me that baster.
368
00:11:21,245 --> 00:11:23,770
JOAN: No![Nick and Jess yell]
369
00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:25,162
Okay, everyone.
370
00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:26,773
This bird needs to go
back in the oven.
371
00:11:26,816 --> 00:11:28,731
Bob, I need to clean you up
in the bathroom please.
372
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:29,950
Come on.
Brand-new shirt.
373
00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:32,561
Do I regret it? Yes.
374
00:11:32,604 --> 00:11:34,998
Would I do it again?
Probably.
375
00:11:35,042 --> 00:11:36,608
It's all right, Joan,
you don't have to do it.
376
00:11:36,652 --> 00:11:38,132
You want, you can go
back to your basting.
377
00:11:38,175 --> 00:11:39,611
What, did you get
a little jealous, Bob?
378
00:11:39,655 --> 00:11:40,961
Of that idiot? What,
are you kidding me?
379
00:11:41,004 --> 00:11:43,790
You know, she's really
got to stop doing this.
380
00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:45,313
She's so stubborn.
381
00:11:45,356 --> 00:11:46,967
Wonder where she got that?
382
00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:49,839
Did she ever text you
some photos?
383
00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:51,623
You mean of you
in the shower?
Yeah.
384
00:11:51,667 --> 00:11:54,626
Yeah, I got 'em.I was just wondering.
385
00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:58,892
Eh, maybe I was a
little jealous.
386
00:12:10,817 --> 00:12:12,035
[grunts]
387
00:12:25,527 --> 00:12:27,050
Seems to me like
this whole thing is a draw.
388
00:12:27,094 --> 00:12:29,792
You did touch a hotter pan,
but he ate a much bigger candle.
389
00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:33,013
You belched longer,
he farted louder.
390
00:12:33,056 --> 00:12:35,885
You punched a tree,
he head-butted a bench.
391
00:12:35,929 --> 00:12:38,409
You both bailed on
the fifth testicle punch.
392
00:12:38,453 --> 00:12:40,803
I mean, Schmidt,
how much more can you take?
393
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:42,631
Schmiggle, I got the belts
rigged up in the bedroom.
394
00:12:42,674 --> 00:12:43,806
Ready to see
who blacks out first?
395
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,068
All right, you know what,
forget it.
396
00:12:45,112 --> 00:12:46,417
Whatever, I-I give.
397
00:12:46,461 --> 00:12:48,855
Yes! That's what
I'm talking about.Wow.
398
00:12:48,898 --> 00:12:50,987
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
399
00:12:51,031 --> 00:12:52,728
[grunts]
400
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,817
Yeah, but know this, all right.
401
00:12:54,861 --> 00:12:56,906
Your caveman ideas about manhood
are so over.
402
00:12:56,950 --> 00:12:58,865
Manhood today is
about exfoliation,
403
00:12:58,908 --> 00:13:00,605
Ha!and cheese courses,
404
00:13:00,649 --> 00:13:03,478
and emotional honesty,
and Paxil.
405
00:13:03,521 --> 00:13:05,828
And yes, cutting peppers in the
classic style de julienne.
406
00:13:05,872 --> 00:13:09,876
You may have bested
me in a competition of
pre-Clinton manhood,
407
00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:11,834
but I am Schmidt.
408
00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:14,228
A refined and enlightened
pescetarian.
409
00:13:14,271 --> 00:13:16,012
About 90% of the time.
410
00:13:16,056 --> 00:13:19,015
Observe.
411
00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:21,061
What are you doing?
412
00:13:23,324 --> 00:13:25,108
[knife tapping rapidly]
413
00:13:29,156 --> 00:13:34,074
Don't touch the blade--
it's hot.
414
00:13:34,117 --> 00:13:35,205
A classic julienne.
415
00:13:35,249 --> 00:13:37,686
Marine Corps
Cook of the Year 2003.
416
00:13:37,729 --> 00:13:38,905
[grunts]
417
00:13:38,948 --> 00:13:40,863
I can do the same thing
to a man's arm.
418
00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:42,517
Yeah, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding.
419
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:43,910
That's the sound
of round two.
420
00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:47,000
Perfection.
421
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:49,045
This is a masterpiece
right here.
422
00:13:49,089 --> 00:13:50,568
Who's hungry, right?I am starving.
423
00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:52,353
Well, it makes sense
with you two.
424
00:13:52,396 --> 00:13:53,702
You guys must've
worked up an appetite.
425
00:13:53,745 --> 00:13:54,877
What?
426
00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:56,052
[bell dings]
Time!
[whoops]
427
00:13:56,096 --> 00:13:57,358
Look at that plating.
428
00:13:57,401 --> 00:13:58,925
It's like Picasso.
429
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:00,927
It's nice squeeze bottle
work there, Bobby Flay.
430
00:14:00,970 --> 00:14:03,016
He is still relevant.Where? Phoenix?
431
00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:04,887
Schmidt, come on,
we are getting hungry.
432
00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:06,280
What don't you guys
just stay here?
433
00:14:06,323 --> 00:14:08,108
I'll sleep on the couch.What?
What are you saying?
434
00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:09,283
What?
Nothing happened.
435
00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:11,285
What are you saying?
What are you saying?
436
00:14:11,328 --> 00:14:12,895
I'm with you.You shouldn't be saying
anything...
437
00:14:12,939 --> 00:14:14,723
Anything,
'cause I don't know anything.
438
00:14:14,766 --> 00:14:15,898
'Cause you're not... you
don't have any information
439
00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:17,160
about anything.Information at all.
440
00:14:17,204 --> 00:14:18,248
Nothing.
441
00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:20,468
Happened.The answer is nothing.
442
00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:21,817
What?
BIG SCHMIDT:
Answer me a question.
443
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,732
Which one of these platings
is more masculine?
444
00:14:23,775 --> 00:14:26,126
Look, do you guys want to know
what the ultimate test is?
445
00:14:26,169 --> 00:14:28,084
Being secure in
your masculinity.
446
00:14:28,128 --> 00:14:29,781
How do we prove that?I'm super secure.
447
00:14:29,825 --> 00:14:30,782
You kiss a man.
448
00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:32,567
[laughs]
Yeah.
449
00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:34,961
If you want to be
the one true Schmidt. I mean...
450
00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:36,049
No. yeah.
I'll kiss a man.
451
00:14:36,092 --> 00:14:37,311
I'll kiss a man.
Yeah, I'll kiss a man.
452
00:14:37,354 --> 00:14:40,053
Winston.
Yeah, he'd do.
Winston?
453
00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:42,055
I could go for some stuffing
right now. Am I right?
454
00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:44,013
Yeah, love me
some stuffing.Yeah, yeah.
455
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:45,928
Yeah, right?
Yeah, let's go.
I'll kiss Winston all day.
456
00:14:45,972 --> 00:14:46,929
I'll do it.
457
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:47,843
I'll kiss Winston's mouth
458
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:48,844
all day.
459
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:49,845
Let's do it.
460
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:50,846
All day
I'll kiss Winston...
461
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:51,934
Everybody else
really hot, too?
462
00:14:51,978 --> 00:14:53,805
Oh, wow.
Hey. Ooh!
463
00:14:53,849 --> 00:14:54,806
Thank you.
464
00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:56,069
JOAN:
Manly.
465
00:14:56,112 --> 00:14:57,853
Beautiful.
Hey, Winston, uh,
I got you this
466
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,420
as an after-dinner
mint for after dinner.
467
00:14:59,463 --> 00:15:01,552
Oh, thanks, man.
I appreciate it.Okay? For you to have.
468
00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:03,076
I appreciate that.Just make sure you
take... That's right...
469
00:15:03,119 --> 00:15:04,077
BOB:
What are we having here,
turkey sushi?
470
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:04,947
What is this?
471
00:15:04,991 --> 00:15:07,123
Ooh.
472
00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:09,430
I'm gonna make a toast.
473
00:15:11,171 --> 00:15:14,130
Parent Trap'sjust a movie.
474
00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:17,177
And real relationships
are not like that.
475
00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:18,700
They're more complicated
than that.
476
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:21,137
And they're not even real twins.
477
00:15:21,181 --> 00:15:22,965
Twins! Yes!
478
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:25,185
I'm thankful for twins.
They're like sisters,
479
00:15:25,228 --> 00:15:26,838
but they do it, and
they like to have sex.
480
00:15:26,882 --> 00:15:28,666
Schmidts.
What?!
481
00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:30,886
What?
JESS:
In conclusion...
482
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,192
[clears throat]
483
00:15:32,235 --> 00:15:34,542
I want to say
what I'm thankful for.
484
00:15:34,585 --> 00:15:37,893
Family.
485
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:42,376
They said...
it couldn't be done.
486
00:15:42,419 --> 00:15:43,899
They said,
487
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,553
"You're crazy, Jess."
488
00:15:45,596 --> 00:15:48,121
I am so thankful today
that I proved them wrong.
489
00:15:48,164 --> 00:15:50,166
JOAN:
Whoa, honey, what?
490
00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:51,472
Whoa, hey, hey, wait.
What are you saying?
491
00:15:51,515 --> 00:15:53,561
Congratulations, guys.
We saw you guys doing it
492
00:15:53,604 --> 00:15:55,258
in the bathroom.
No, no, no,
no, no.
493
00:15:55,302 --> 00:15:56,999
We saw you guys doing it
in the bathroom.It was the greatest day
494
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:59,001
of my entire life.NICK:
Greatest day of mine.
495
00:15:59,045 --> 00:16:00,394
There was so much love there.
496
00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:02,135
And sex. Sex energy,
too, Jess.
497
00:16:02,178 --> 00:16:03,223
And se-sex.
498
00:16:03,266 --> 00:16:05,181
NICK:
You lit this place on fire,
499
00:16:05,225 --> 00:16:07,009
you two animals.It was just a kiss.
500
00:16:07,053 --> 00:16:08,184
It was a greatkiss.
501
00:16:08,228 --> 00:16:09,925
It was a hookup.
It meant nothing.
502
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,187
SCHMIDT:
Listen, if Joanie's
up for grabs,
503
00:16:11,231 --> 00:16:13,015
I volunteer.
I volunteer, too.
504
00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:14,495
I volunteered first.Don't even matter.
505
00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:16,236
You can't volunteer
right after...I'm in the game now.
506
00:16:16,279 --> 00:16:18,020
You just wanted
me for my body.
507
00:16:18,064 --> 00:16:20,240
Yup.
And I'm fine
with that.
508
00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:22,024
Joanie, what if
it was like that?That's not bad.
509
00:16:22,068 --> 00:16:24,157
I saw something. You guys had
a spark, you connected.
510
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:25,854
Let's get natural.
Bring it to you.
511
00:16:25,897 --> 00:16:27,247
JESS:
I swear, if you got
together today,
512
00:16:27,290 --> 00:16:28,683
it would be different
than before.
513
00:16:28,726 --> 00:16:30,032
I think you could
make each other happy.
514
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:31,164
I'm serious. No. What?
Let me finish.
515
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:32,817
Jess, you got to
let it go, okay?
516
00:16:32,861 --> 00:16:34,254
No, I'm not letting it go!
517
00:16:34,297 --> 00:16:35,559
You have to admit that...
No.
518
00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:37,039
What?
...they're never gonna
make it work.
519
00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:38,736
No.
And you scratched my van.
520
00:16:38,780 --> 00:16:40,521
Mom, she didn't mean
to scratch your van.
521
00:16:40,564 --> 00:16:41,957
[gasps]
I knew it. I knew it.
522
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,176
Didn't I tell you? I knew it.
523
00:16:43,219 --> 00:16:45,091
Okay, the reason
I was in your van
524
00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:47,876
is because your little
Jujube was high as a kite!
525
00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:49,399
BOB:
Oh.
Oh, my God.
526
00:16:49,443 --> 00:16:51,314
Honey, are you
an addict?
Oh, this is
new information.
527
00:16:51,358 --> 00:16:53,490
It was a brownie. I wasn't
allowed to eat chocolate.
528
00:16:53,534 --> 00:16:54,491
Yes. What, are you
living with drug dealers?
529
00:16:54,535 --> 00:16:55,492
[all talking]
530
00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:58,278
When can we start eating?
531
00:16:58,321 --> 00:17:00,062
Are you into pot?
Is this a rehab?What are you doing?
532
00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:01,629
Are you selling your
body to pay for the rent?
533
00:17:01,672 --> 00:17:03,239
I don't sell my body
for rent, no!
534
00:17:03,283 --> 00:17:05,328
[all talking]
535
00:17:05,372 --> 00:17:08,288
When can we start eating?
536
00:17:08,331 --> 00:17:10,072
It's off. Off.
537
00:17:10,116 --> 00:17:11,726
Shut up, everybody!
538
00:17:11,769 --> 00:17:15,730
[silence]
539
00:17:15,773 --> 00:17:18,211
I just want to be a family.
540
00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:20,778
Jess.
541
00:17:20,822 --> 00:17:22,345
You have a family.
542
00:17:23,694 --> 00:17:25,783
Your father and I are not
getting back together.
543
00:17:25,827 --> 00:17:27,524
Never.
544
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,062
Jess.
545
00:17:45,238 --> 00:17:46,282
Honey?
Where you going?
546
00:17:46,326 --> 00:17:47,066
Jess?
547
00:17:48,154 --> 00:17:49,155
Turkey.
548
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:11,307
Jess. Honey,
can I come in?
549
00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:13,744
Or do you have your
dad hiding in the closet,
550
00:18:13,788 --> 00:18:15,355
waiting to make
out with me?
551
00:18:15,398 --> 00:18:18,097
[laughs]
552
00:18:22,405 --> 00:18:24,146
I'm sorry.
553
00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:26,148
I'm sorry. I ruined
the whole day,
554
00:18:26,192 --> 00:18:28,542
and it could have been
really nice, but it wasn't,
555
00:18:28,585 --> 00:18:31,153
'cause I tried to shove a turkey
down a garbage disposal.
556
00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:33,808
[laughs]
I just...
557
00:18:33,851 --> 00:18:36,289
I thought...
558
00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:39,335
maybe you guys could
make each other happy.
559
00:18:39,379 --> 00:18:42,599
We're actually
happier apart.
560
00:18:42,643 --> 00:18:45,211
Maybe I just worried that...
561
00:18:45,254 --> 00:18:47,082
since you guys are alone
562
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,345
that means that I have
to end up alone.
563
00:18:49,389 --> 00:18:50,781
You're not
gonna be alone.
564
00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:52,348
Even if you were,
565
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:54,045
you could always
move in with me.
566
00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:56,178
We could get a
condo in Miami.
567
00:18:56,222 --> 00:18:58,049
Mm.
568
00:18:58,093 --> 00:19:00,313
And start solving
crimes together.
569
00:19:00,356 --> 00:19:02,184
God, you have to
lighten up, Jess.
570
00:19:02,228 --> 00:19:04,621
It's just life. [chuckles]
571
00:19:04,665 --> 00:19:06,406
Yeah, you know what?
572
00:19:06,449 --> 00:19:07,885
We could definitely Grey Gardens
573
00:19:07,929 --> 00:19:11,062
the crap out of
a condo in Miami.
[laughs]
574
00:19:11,106 --> 00:19:13,195
Can't wait to eat cat food
with you.
[yowls]
575
00:19:13,239 --> 00:19:15,676
[laughter]
576
00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:17,634
I'm okay. Don't
worry about me.
577
00:19:17,678 --> 00:19:19,419
And so is
your dad.
578
00:19:19,462 --> 00:19:21,421
Okay.
579
00:19:21,464 --> 00:19:22,552
BIG SCHMIDT:
We doing this or not?
580
00:19:22,596 --> 00:19:25,207
I'm going in.
581
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:31,344
Mmm. Mmm.
582
00:19:31,387 --> 00:19:34,042
What's up, bro?
What's up?
583
00:19:34,912 --> 00:19:36,218
No.
584
00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:37,263
Face smells like
a dude's face.
585
00:19:37,306 --> 00:19:39,090
Not for me.
Hmm.
586
00:19:39,134 --> 00:19:40,570
All right.
[clears his throat]
587
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:43,269
Watch how a real
man does it.
588
00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:50,450
Hey, Winston?
589
00:19:53,453 --> 00:19:54,628
What's up?
590
00:19:54,671 --> 00:19:56,456
BIG SCHMIDT:
Yeah.WINSTON: I know, right?
591
00:19:56,499 --> 00:19:57,587
Yeah.
592
00:19:57,631 --> 00:19:59,285
[laughs] Hmm.
593
00:20:01,374 --> 00:20:02,244
Okay, well, then it's off.
594
00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:03,898
Game over.
595
00:20:03,941 --> 00:20:06,292
No. No way.
596
00:20:06,335 --> 00:20:07,293
Winston?
Hmm?
597
00:20:07,336 --> 00:20:09,077
All day!
[groaning]
598
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,339
[Winston groans]
599
00:20:10,383 --> 00:20:11,471
Whoa!
600
00:20:11,514 --> 00:20:12,472
Whoa!
Whoa!
601
00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:13,386
BIG SCHMIDT:
I did it.
602
00:20:13,429 --> 00:20:14,778
I'm the one
true Schmidt!
603
00:20:14,822 --> 00:20:16,084
You got it, man.
You can be Schmidt.
I'm Schmiggle.
604
00:20:16,127 --> 00:20:17,390
WINSTON:
You should not do that
on Thanksgiving.
605
00:20:17,433 --> 00:20:19,261
WINSTON:
I'm out! That is messed up![whoops]
606
00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:21,307
I kissed a dude!
607
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:27,574
Oh, I miss Krista.
608
00:20:31,099 --> 00:20:33,449
[sighs]
609
00:20:33,493 --> 00:20:36,322
You know, she had
a little mustache, too?
610
00:20:36,365 --> 00:20:39,194
I know she did.
611
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:42,197
You okay... Schmidt?
612
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:46,462
Yes... I am...
613
00:20:46,506 --> 00:20:47,594
Schmidt.
614
00:20:49,552 --> 00:20:51,859
Happy Thanksgiving.
615
00:20:51,902 --> 00:20:53,339
Give me a hug.
I love you, sweetie.
616
00:20:53,382 --> 00:20:54,340
Love you.
617
00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:55,645
Love you, sweetheart.
618
00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:57,517
Love you, Mom.
Love you, too,
sweetheart.
619
00:20:57,560 --> 00:20:59,475
Joan, I just want to say that
620
00:20:59,519 --> 00:21:01,869
I'm really happy that, you know,
we got past all that.
621
00:21:01,912 --> 00:21:04,219
Come here, Cece.
622
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:08,484
Give my little girl
drugs again-- I will end you.
623
00:21:08,528 --> 00:21:09,529
Bye.
624
00:21:09,572 --> 00:21:10,921
Bye, everybody.
625
00:21:10,965 --> 00:21:12,488
And no more
parent traps.
Okay.
626
00:21:12,532 --> 00:21:13,968
Yeah. We're done with those.
627
00:21:14,011 --> 00:21:15,578
Got it.Been there, trapped that.
628
00:21:15,622 --> 00:21:17,972
Bye.Love you guys. Bye.
629
00:21:19,539 --> 00:21:22,150
[elevator bell dings]
630
00:21:25,980 --> 00:21:28,765
[sighs]
631
00:21:30,419 --> 00:21:32,465
I won't tell her if you don't.
632
00:21:32,508 --> 00:21:34,510
Tell her about what?
633
00:21:40,516 --> 00:21:43,606
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