Original subtitles

♪♪♪♪

HEY, BABY.

HEY, GOOD‐LOOKING.

WANT SOME BREAKFAST?

WHO COOKED?

ME.

NOW, YOU KNOW DAMN WELL I DON'T WANT THAT.

BABY!

WHAT? YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T COOK...

JUST LIKE YOUR MAMA.

IT'S CEREAL AND MILK!

AND SHE WOULD BURN THAT, TOO.

YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT.

IF I HAD A WIFE TO COOK [TRAILS OFF]

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

HUH?!

NOTHING.

NO, YOU ‐‐ YOU SAID SOMETHING.

YOU GOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME?

NAH, GIRL. [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]

WHOA.

I'M NOT FEELING WELL.

WHAT'S WRONG? IT'S MY STOMACH.

BABY...

ARE YOU, UM...

WHAT?

WHAT? ...PREGNANT?

BOY, NO.

YOU SURE? YES.

BECAUSE I'M NOT READY TO BE NO DADDY.

I'M A GROWN MAN‐CHILD. I EAT RAINBOW LOOPS!

NO LITTLE BOY. NO LITTLE GIRL.

WE SHOULD START WITH A DOG OR A CAT.

OH, LORD, PLEASE DON'T BE PREGNANT.

DANNY, I'M NOT.

YOU SURE?

DANNY, YES, I AM SURE.

OKAY, GREAT.

BABY, ARE YOU SURE?!

DANNY, IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.

OH, DON'T!

DON'T WHAT? IT'S A NATURAL THING, DANNY.

UNH‐UNH! DON'T ‐‐ DON'T EVEN SAY THAT WORD.

IT'S NATURAL FOR WOMEN, BUT NOT FOR MEN.

WHAT WORD, DANNY?

PERIOD!

DON'T. PERIOD!

DON'T! STOP IT!

STOP IT. PERIOD!

STOP IT. DON'T SAY THAT.

MENSTRUATION.

DEVIL. PERIOD.

DEVIL. PERIOD.

DEVIL. STOP. HEAVY FLOW! HEAVY FLOW!

ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT.

DANNY, WILL YOU STOP IT?

I DONE LOST MY APPETITE.

OH, PLEASE.

OVER THERE TALKING ABOUT FLOW AND STUFF.

ALL RIGHT, BABY, DO YOU ‐‐ DO YOU NEED ANYTHING?

NO, I'M GOOD.

OKAY. I‐I LOVE YOU.

OKAY.

GOD, EVERYTHING'S RED NOW.

WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL MY MAXI‐PADS?

AND WHY IS THIS BOX EMPTY?

‐‐Captions by VITAC‐‐ www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS

♪♪♪♪

WANT TO CLICK MY PEN?

ONLY IF YOU STAPLE MY PAPERS.

I, UH, I HAVEN'T CLICKED IT IN A FEW DAYS, SO...

THERE'S PLENTY OF INK.

OH, PUT YOUR MOUSE ON MY PAD.

[ BOTH GROANING ]

SPEAKING OF, WE GOT TO ‐‐

[ WHISTLING ]

HI, DANNY.

HELLO.

HI.

ISN'T IT SO GREAT WE'RE ON SPEAKING TERMS AGAIN?

YEAH, I KNOW. I MISS YOU GUYS.

WE MISSED YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU COME ON OVER HERE

AND SHOW ME HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME?

THAT WAY, YOU CAN SHOW ME ALL THE THINGS WIFEY TAUGHT YOU?

WHICH WOULD BE...NOTHING.

SHE'S TAUGHT ME A LOT.

HMM?

[ CHUCKLES ] LIKE, A LOT.

DO TELL. DO TELL.

NO. ENOUGH, ENOUGH.

OKAY. FINE.

YEAH, STOP IT.

HE'S MINE!

BOY, BACK UP. SO STRONG.

BACK UP.

ACTUALLY, HE'S HIS ‐‐ HERS ‐‐

ITS. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

IT'S QUITE CONFUSING.

HOW YOU BEEN, BUDDY?

GOOD.

GOOD.

SAM? YEAH?

AREN'T YOU GOING TO ASK ABOUT TROY?

NOPE.

OH! YEAH.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

HOW'S ‐‐

[ Voice breaking ] HOW'S TROY?

GOOD.

AH, GOOD.

UH, DREW?

WHAT?

DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW TROY'S DOING?

HELL, NO!

THESE ARE THE TERMS OF THE NEW FRIENDSHIP.

NOW, ASK ME!

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT HO.

DREW, STOP IT.

OKAY, FINE. HOW'S ‐‐

HOW'S TROY, DANNY?

GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD. WE'RE SO HAPPY THAT SHE'S SO GOOD.

YEAH. NO, WE'RE NOT.

HEY!

ME NEITHER.

[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH, SHE DID THE NICEST THING FOR ME.

OHHH?

YEAH.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

UH, I SAY...

HOW NICE WAS IT, DANNY?

DING, DING, DING! SHE BOUGHT ME THIS SWEATER!

YEAH, A SWEATER WITH HIS MONEY.

THAT'S SO NICE, BUDDY.

[ Valley accent ] YEAH.

IT'S SUCH A NICE SWEATER.

I JUST LOVE HER.

[ Normal voice ] WE ALL DO.

YEAH?

MM‐HMM. MM‐HMM.

YOU REALLY MEAN IT?

MM‐HMM.

YES?

YES.

OKAY, WELL, ANYONE WANT SOME COFFEE?

OH!

THIS PARTY JUST GOT STARTED! SURE!

ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'LL JUST RUN DOWN TO THE DINER

AND GET SOME.

[ LAUGHS ]

OKAY. OKAY.

I KNOW WE DON'T KNOW WHO HIS DADDY IS,

BUT I THINK HE WHITE.

DID YOU SEE THAT SWEATER?

HIS DAD COULD STILL BE BLACK.

YEAH.

PROBABLY HAS A LITTLE TRAIN

THAT GOES AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

HE'S PROBABLY GOT THAT SWEATER IN MULTIPLE COLORS.

BUT HE'S SO HAPPY.

YEAH.

I JUST WANT TO SLAP THE RAINBOW

OUT OF HIS PRETTY ASS.

BUT I DO LIKE SEEING HIM HAPPY.

AND APPARENTLY... TROY MAKES HIM THAT WAY?

HI. DAMN!

SHE JUST APPEARS, RIGHT?

LIKE WITCHES DO.

[ CACKLES ]

HI.

HI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

ABOUT?

DANNY.

DANNY. OH, OKAY.

COME ON, DREW! AH, AH!

DAMN.

WHERE IS HE?

HE WENT DOWNSTAIRS TO GET SOME COFFEE. WHAT'S UP?

OKAY, GOOD. I CAN TALK TO YOU.

OH, TROUBLE IN PARADISE, EH?

YEAH, WE CAN TALK.

DO NOT TELL HIM I SAID THIS, OKAY?

OH, YEAH, GIRL. WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?

NO, ESPECIALLY YOU, DREW,

BECAUSE YOU HAVE A REALLY BIG MOUTH, OKAY?

YOU PROMISE?

WELL, EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO LIKE IT.

AND, YEAH. I PROMISE.

I MEAN, COME ON. I CAN KEEP A SECRET.

GIVE IT TO ME. GIVE IT TO ME.

[ GROANS ]

IS DANNY CHEATING ON ME?

OH! HOW YOU JUST GONNA COME OUT YOUR MOUTH LIKE THAT?!

HOW YOU JUST GONNA COME OUT YOUR MOUTH LIKE THAT?!

BECAUSE, FIRST OF ALL, IF HE WAS CHEATING ON YOU,

IT WOULD BE WITH ME!

SO, YOU COMING UP IN HERE,

YOU INSULTING MY PERSONALITY,

MY BEAUTY, AND MY BODY.

I NEED TO KNOW.

WOW. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU, GIRL, BUT ‐‐

OOH, I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!

I'MMA NEED YOU TO NOT ACT SO DAMN SURPRISED,

BECAUSE YOU DON'T COOK FOR HIM,

YOU DON'T MEDITATE WITH HIM,

YOU DON'T PRAY,

AND YOU DON'T DRINK WATER WITH HIM!

MAYBE IF YOU DID, THEN HE WOULDN'T HAVE CHEATED ON YOU.

SO, HOW'D YOU CATCH HIM, GIRL?

WHO IS IT, DREW?

DREW!

OOH! HELLO.

THIS IS OUR OPPORTUNITY TO GET OUR DANNY BACK.

THIS IS ALSO OUR OPPORTUNITY TO LOSE HIM FOREVER.

OH, YEAH.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I KNOW, GIRL.

OOH, I'M SO MAD! I WOULD BE, TOO.

DREW!

OKAY. OKAY.

YOU WAIT TILL I SEE HIM!

WHAT YOU GONNA DO, GIRL?

I SAID STOP IT.

ARE YOU FEELING ALL RIGHT?

IS EVERYTHING OKAY BACK AT HOME?

WORK LIFE GOOD?

STOP IT.

OKAY.

DANNY IS NOT CHEATING ON YOU.

YES, HE IS!

NO. HE'S NOT.

NOW, STOP IT. I SEEN'T THE GIRL.

I SEEN'T IT!

WHAT SHE LOOK LIKE?

COMING RIGHT OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT!

DREW!

DREW!

DREW!

YOU SURE EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT?

BECAUSE, LIKE, THIS IS HOW WE GET DOWN.

I MEAN, LOOK.

SHE'S ALL DISTRAUGHT.

IT'S AWESOME.

LET'S JUST KICK HER WHILE SHE'S DOWN.

IT'S TEMPTING.

NO. NO.

WHEN DANNY WASN'T SPEAKING TO US, I WASN'T HAPPY, OKAY?

SO, I'M NOT DOING THIS.

[ SIGHS ] I'M SO SORRY.

WOW. OKAY. YOU'RE RIGHT. OKAY. I'M SORRY.

AND HE JUST GOING TO LIE TO ME IN MY FACE?

LIKE, RIGHT IN MY FACE.

TROY!

I AM NOT TALKING TO YOU, SAM.

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU ‐‐

DID YOU NOT HEAR A WORD THAT I JUST SAID?

I AM NOT TALKING TO YOU.

SHE'S NOT TELLING ‐‐ YOU KNOW WHAT?

WAIT TILL I FIND HIS ASS. HE WENT TO THE DINER?

OH, OKAY, I'MMA CATCH HIM, AND I'MMA KILL HIM. OKAY.

YOU'RE GETTING REAL AGGRESSIVE.

I DON'T LIKE THIS ONE BIT!

BUT YOU FORGOT YOUR BROOM! HOW YOU GOING TO GET ‐‐

HOW YOU GONNA GET THERE?

MAYBE SHE'LL GET CRUSHED BY A HOUSE.

MAYBE SHE'LL FLY ON ONE OF HER MONKEYS, A. K. A. HATTIE?

[ LAUGHS ] RIGHT?

MY OLD BOO.

YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN, HUH?

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

YOU BETTER GET TO THAT DINER BEFORE DANNY DOES.

♪♪♪♪

HEY, TROY.

WHERE'S DANNY?!

UH, I'M DOING FINE. THANKS FOR ASKING.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT, FLOYD.

OOH.

FLOYD, YOU MIGHT WANT TO BACK UP.

LOOK LIKE SHE GONNA SWANG.

I KNOW.

YES, I DO.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I NEED TO TALK TO DANNY!!

WHAT, YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING?

I JUST NEED TO TALK TO DANNY.

WELL, HE NO HERE.

YOU SEE? HE LIED.

WELL, WHAT DID HE LIE ABOUT?

HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO BE HERE.

GIRL, DON'T BE TALKING ABOUT MY GRANDBABY.

WELL, DANNY DON'T BE LYING.

DANNY DON'T TELL NO LIE, DO HE, LINDA?

DANNY DON'T LIE, NOW DO HE, LINDA?

WELL, HE'S LYING ABOUT SOMETHING.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I'M MAD AS HELL!

THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON!

LITTLE GIRL, IF YOU WAKE UP THIS BABY...

I'M SORRY, MS. LINDA.

THANK YOU.

WELL, SHE SURE IS CUTE.

UHP, UHP, UHP!

AND YOUR HAND SURE IS DIRTY, THOUGH.

I'M SORRY.

OKAY, TROY. WHAT'S WRONG?

DANNY'S CHEATING ON ME.

WHAT?! NO WAY.

[ Valley accent ] YES, WAY.

I'M TELLING YOU HE'S NOT.

I KNOW HE IS.

WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

WELL, THIS MORNING, I HAD STARTED MY PERIOD.

AAH! OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

DID SHE NEED TO SHARE THAT?

I'MMA TAKE THE BABY AND GO TO THE CAR.

YEAH, 'CAUSE, UM, MISS MENSTRUATION WOKE HER UP.

OKAY, THAT ‐‐ IT ‐‐ IT'S TOO MUCH.

OH. OOH.

I'LL BE OUTSIDE.

ALL THIS DAMN CUSSING Y'ALL DOING.

PEOPLE GOING TO HELL.

OKAY?

WELL, DANNY'S NOT A WOMAN, RIGHT?

NO, HE'S NOT.

THEN CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME WHY ALL MY MAXI‐PADS ARE GONE?

WHY THE HELL ARE Y'ALL TALKING ABOUT THIS?!

BOY, GO ON SOMEWHERE!

I AM. MOVE, DUDE.

HEY, THERE YOU ARE.

HEY, DREW. HEY.

I LIED ABOUT THAT WHOLE THING. DANNY'S NOT CHEATING ON YOU.

NO, YOU WEREN'T LYING. YOU WERE TELLING THE TRUTH.

NO, I WASN'T. I SWEAR. I WAS LYING.

SO, WHAT, HE PUT YOU UP TO THIS?

DAMN, YOU SUSPICIOUS.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT MY MAXI‐PADS ARE GONE.

WHY YOU KEEP SAYING THAT WORD?!

AND NOW MY BOX FULL OF... MAXI‐PADS IS EMPTY,

SO SOME SCALLYWAG IS OUT THERE WEARING THEM.

WE GOT TO GO. COME ON. LET'S GO.

REGULATORS!

ALL THIS TALK OF PUNCTUATION.

HE JUST GONNA ‐‐ WHERE THE PARTY AT?

HE'S NOT CHEATING ON YOU.

HE COULD BE, NOW, LINDA. HE COULD BE.

OH. MAMA, NO, HE'S NOT.

THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

CLEARLY DANNY'S WEARING THEM.

WHAT?

LOOK. LOOK. YOU ALL KNOW DANNY SWEATS A LOT, RIGHT?

YES. MM‐HMM.

AND HE HAS STAINS ON A LOT OF HIS SHIRTS

UNDER THE ARMPITS.

SHE CAME TRUE ABOUT THAT

BECAUSE I WASH PLENTY OF DANNY'S SHIRT,

AND THAT THERE BE A HOST OF LITTLE RAINBOWS

UP UNDER THERE AND EVERYTHING.

SO, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH CHEATING?

OH, I TAUGHT HIM HOW TO USE MAXI‐PADS UNDER HIS ARMPITS.

UNDER HIS ARM...PITS?

YEP.

SO, HE WEARS THEM UNDER HIS ARMS?

YEAH, HE PROBABLY HAS SOME ON RIGHT NOW.

SO, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME...

THAT MY MAN...

THE MAN THAT I MARRIED...

IS WALKING AROUND...

WITH MAXI‐PADS... UNDER HIS ARMPITS?

[ LAUGHS ]

I WAS WONDERING WHY

I NEVER SAW SWEAT UNDERNEATH HIS ARMS,

BUT I ALWAYS SEE IT ON HIS FACE...

AND HIS LEGS...

AND HIS BACK...

AND HIS HANDS...

AND HIS FEET...

AND HIS HAIR AND HIS NECK.

YEAH.

THAT LITTLE BASTARD BE SWEATING. DAMN.

SO SLIMY.

YEAH.

I LIKE A SLIMEBALL.

WELL, MAYBE HE NEED IT ON HIS FACE, TOO,

AND HIS LEGS...

AND HIS HAIR...

AND HIS FEET...

AND HIS BODY AND HIS NECK.

OH, I REMEMBER HE DID SWEAT WHEN HE WAS A KID.

I AIN'T EVEN HAVE TO BUY NO SLIP N SLIDE.

I PUT SOME GARBAGE BAGS OUT THERE,

HE WAS SWEATING,

AND I SLID HIS ASS RIGHT ON DOWN THE STREET.

I AIN'T SEE THAT CAR COMING.

BUT HE WAS ALL RIGHT.

CAR JUST ‐‐ CAR SLID RIGHT ON OVER HIM.

MAMA!

WELL, YOU BETTER HOPE THAT NEW BABY IS SWEATY.

YOU'LL SAVE YOURSELF SOME MONEY,

KEEPS YOU FROM BUYING A WHOLE LOT OF TOYS.

YOU CAN SLIDE THEIR ASS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

WON'T NEED MONEY, NOR STROLLER.

WAIT. SO, YOU LIED TO ME?

WELL, YEAH, I MEAN, I ALWAYS LIE TO YOU.

I MEAN, I TELL YOU YOU'RE PRETTY.

I TELL YOU YOUR FEET NOT BIG.

AND I TELL YOU YOUR FOREHEAD'S REALLY SMALL.

THAT'S A BIG LIE.

HEY, BABY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

COME HERE.

YEAH?

[ LAUGHS ]

NOT IN FRONT OF MY MOM!

AWW, BABY, I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

YOU MISS ME?

SO MUCH.

THANK YOU, MS. LINDA.

I GOT YOU, GIRL.

UNDER HIS ARM?

THEY WORK.

WHAT WORKS?

UM ‐‐ UM...

YOU TOLD THEM?

NO. WHAT?

DID YOU TELL THEM YOUR BABY BOY WEARS TAMPONS?

[ CHUCKLES ]

THEY'RE NOT CALLED TAMPONS, BABY.

IF YOU'RE WEARING TAMPONS, WE HAVE ANOTHER PROBLEM.

UM, AND ‐‐ AND YOUR ‐‐

YOUR WIFE WAS CONCERNED.

THEY'RE MAXI‐PADS,

VERY THIN.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

AND THEY'RE ABSORBENT.

SUPER ABSORBENT.

AND WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THIS?

BECAUSE I RAN OUT.

AND I NEED THEM FOR MY PERIOD.

DON'T!

AAH!

AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

I'M WEARING MINI‐PADS! MY FLOW IS LOW!

I DIDN'T TEACH HIM ABOUT THE MINIS.

MY BABY'S GROWING UP.

PSSH. YEAH. INTO A LITTLE GIRL!