Original subtitles

♪♪♪♪

I'M UP, I'M UP. I'M UP. [ PEBBLES CLATTER ]

UH. HUH?

SAM?

UH ‐‐ SNOOZE.

HUH? HUH?

DREW?

WHAT THE HELL?

"WHAT THE HELL" IS RIGHT!

OH, OH ‐‐ WE ‐‐ WE DIDN'T.

WE DIDN'T.

WE DIDN'T.

UH...

SAM, WHAT DID YOU DO?!

NO, LITTLE SAMMY, YOU DIDN'T!

PENELOPE, GIRL,

WAS YOU THAT THIRSTY?

I ‐‐ I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

I CAN'T EITHER.

ME AND YOU?!

WHAT THE HELL WERE WE DRINKING LAST NIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT MINE HAD A WORM IN IT.

AND I COULD USE SOME MORE OF IT RIGHT NOW.

DAMN THOSE SASSY SANGRIAS!

OH! OH!

YOU KNOW, I COULD GO FOR ONE, TOO.

MM ‐‐ A LITTLE BIT OF LIME.

YEAH, YEAH, IT WAS REALLY GOOD.

DID WE DO BODY SHOTS?

I THINK SO. WE DID BODY SHOTS.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

ME OFF YOU, OR YOU OFF ME?

EVERY WHICH WAY. MM‐HMM.

FLIP IT AND REVERSE IT. AH.

AH, ME AND DREW?

ME AND SAM?

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

NO, I CAN'T EITHER, BECAUSE I DON'T DO MY FRIENDS.

OH ‐‐ OH ‐‐ WELL, ME NEITHER!

THE LAST TIME I GOT THIS DRUNK I DIDN'T DO A FRIEND.

I DREAMED I DID A FRIEND.

I DIDN'T DO IT ‐‐ I DREAMED IT.

IT WAS DANNY AND HE HAD BREASTS AND A TITLE.

AH, HELL. I NEED TO GO GET TESTED.

I GOT TO GET TESTED.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT ‐‐ ARE YOU PREGNANT?

NAH, 'CAUSE WE USED A CON‐‐

YEAH, WE ‐‐ WERE THE CONDOM AT?

OH, WHERE THE CONDOM AT?!

WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?!

OH, MAN! NOT THE PLANT! ‐OH, DAMN!

[ Crying ] NOT MY GOOD PLANT!

OH, DAMN!

[ Normally ] I GOT TO GET TESTED. I HAVE TO.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT ‐‐ YOU CAN'T TELL IF

YOU'RE PREGNANT THIS QUICKLY.

I DON'T CARE!

I WANT THEM TO TEST ME FOR EVERYTHING DISEASE

IN THE DAMN BOOK MESSING WITH YOU NASTY SELF.

IT'S TRUE. I MESSED WITH HATTIE.

I NEED TO GET TESTED, TOO!

THIS IS CRAZY. THIS IS CR‐‐ THIS IS CRAZY.

YEAH. YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE NOT GONNA TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS.

OH, NO WE WON'T.

RIGHT.

AND I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET YOU MOVE IN WITH ME.

I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE STAYED OUT

ON THE STREETS HOMELESS...

WITH THAT RAT.

GOD, I MISS CHESTER RIGHT NOW.

‐‐Captions by VITAC‐‐ www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS

♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

ARE ‐‐ ARE YOU WEARING MY DAMN EARRINGS?

YEAH.

UGH.

[ KNOCKING ] Danny: HEY, NEIGHBOR!

PLEASE TELL ME YOU LOCKED THAT DAMN DOOR.

I WAS DRUNK.

BUT I'M ANAL, SO I LOCKED IT.

MY BABY FATHER OUTSIDE.

I CAN'T LET MY BABY FATHER KNOW I CHEATED ON HIM.

HOLD ON, BOO!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

PENELOPE AND I ARE JUST FRESHENING UP.

JUST GIVE US A SEC, OKAY?

Troy: DIDN'T WE HAVE A BALL LAST NIGHT?

SOME OF US HAD TWO.

WE GOT REALLY SHAFTED.

IT'S BEEN A LONG NIGHT.

OPEN UP THE DOOR.

NO, DON'T OPEN IT.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS WHAT WE GONNA DO ‐‐

WE GONNA CLEAN EVERYTHING UP,

WE GONNA PUT ON OUR SAME CLOTHES,

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK THEY'LL SUSPECT NOTHING

IF WE GOT ON OUR, YOU KNOW?

‐MM‐HMM. ‐AS LONG AS WE GOT

ON THE SAME CLOTHES ‐‐ RIGHT.

‐RIGHT. YEAH. ‐SOUNDS GOOD, RIGHT?

AS LONG AS YOU WEAR THOSE FOR A LONG TIME CONSISTENTLY.

RIGHT. YES.

READY, AND...

Both: BREAK!

OH, COME ON! GET THAT!

OKAY, GREAT.

OKAY. OKAY.

[ KNOCKING ] WAKE UP, SLEEPYHEADS.

HEY.

‐HEY. ‐WHAT'S UP?

YOU GUYS STILL HAVE

ON THE SAME CLOTHES FROM LAST NIGHT.

YEAH!

I KNOW YOU AIN'T COMING IN HERE JUDGING PEOPLE.

LIKE YOU DON'T EVER WEAR THE SAME THING.

WE ‐‐ WE WERE DRUNK.

YEAH.

MY DRUNK LITTLE BUDDY ‐‐

WE GOT TO GET TO WORK.

YEAH!

YEAH, YEAH.

I'M GETTING READY.

WELL, GO ON AND SHOWER. [ CHUCKLES ]

AND, DREW, I WANTED TO BORROW A PURSE TO MATCH MY SHOES.

MM! SO YOU COME IN HERE JUDGING PEOPLE...

...THEN YOU ASK TO USE ONE OF MY PURSES.

WELL, DON'T TRIP. I GOT YOU.

I GOT YOU. ‐OKAY, COME ON.

‐NO, NO, NO, NO! ‐WHY NOT?

YEAH, W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐WHY NOT?

WHY NOT?

[ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HATE

WHEN YOUR BED'S NOT MADE

WHEN YOU WANT GUESTS TO SEE IT.

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, YEAH, YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT, RIGHT, I‐I'M REAL NICE AND TIDY.

I LIKE TO KEEP IT REAL STRAIGHT. VIRGO LIFE.

LET ME GO ‐‐

LET ME JUST GO AHEAD AND GRAB THAT BAG FOR YOU.

OKAY, I'M GONNA GRAB ‐‐ ‐I'LL COME WITH YOU.

NO, YOU WON'T.

NO, SIR.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA STAY YOUR NOSY ASS RIGHT HERE.

FORGIVE HER, LORD.

SHE KNOW NOT WHAT SHE DO.

OKAY.

SO, SAM, WHY DO YOU HAVE AN EARRING ON?

OH, THAT'S TO, UM...

IT'S AN EXPERIMENT TO ABSORB THE SOUND WHEN LINDA SPEAKS.

HUH.

IT'S A BUFFER.

SO, HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT?

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN?

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T STAY IN.

OH, I STAYED IN.

COME ON, SAM. I KNOW YOU.

YOU GET DRUNK, YOU GET A LITTLE CRAZY AND A LOT HORNY,

SO WHAT BAR DID YOU GO TO?

NO, I...

I STAYED IN.

[ CHUCKLES ] YOU DID?

YEAH. [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, MAN.

YEAH, I'M PROUD OF YOU, TOO, SAM.

THAT'S AWESOME.

LOOK AT YOU NOT GOING OUT AND PARTYING.

LOOK AT GOD, HA, AT WHAT HE DOING.

WON'T HE WILL?

THERE'S THE PURSUE.

DAMN!

MM‐HMM. NOW YOU GO ON AND GO.

THESE DON'T EVEN MATCH.

WHAT? THAT'S A BASIC BAG FOR A BASIC BITCH.

NOW GO ON NOW!

BITCH, YOU OWN THE BAG.

BITCH, THAT'S MY OLD BAG!

WELL, THEN,

WATCH ME TWIRL MY ASS ON OUT OF HERE.

YES, YOU BETTER TWIRL, HONEY, TWIRL!

AND, DANNY, I WILL SEE YOU LATER. [ SMOOCHES ]

OKAY.

SO, DO YOU GUYS WANT TO CARPOOL TODAY?

NO. I HAVE TO SHOWER.

AND, UH, I HAVE TO, TOO.

YEAH, SO YOU JUST ‐‐ Y‐Y‐Y‐YOU GO AHEAD.

IT'S OKAY. I'LL WAIT.

IT'S NOT GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.

NO, NO, NO ‐‐ YOU GO ON AHEAD.

NO, I SAID I'LL WAIT.

DANNY, GET YOUR HAPPY HYBRID ASS OUT OF HERE!

WOW. OKAY.

I'M SORRY, I'M JUST ‐‐ I'M NOT FEELING WELL.

I'M JUST REALLY HUNG OVER,

'CAUSE THINGS ARE OUT OF ‐‐ ONE SECOND.

OH!

I JUST DON'T FEEL WELL, OKAY?

SO YOU JUST GO. I MEAN, I'M JUST FEELING REAL ‐‐

[ CLICKS TONGUE, GAGS ]

IT'S THAT LILAC.

IT'S EVERYWHERE.

ANYWAYS, I FEEL SICK, TOO. [ GAGS ]

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

YOU GOT TO SNAP IT.

[ CLICKS TONGUE, SNAPS FINGERS ]

THERE YOU GO. [ CHUCKLES ]

AH, HE WITH IT NOW, THOUGH.

‐YEAH, SO... ‐WHERE YOU AT?

...YOU DON'T ‐‐ YOU DON'T WANT DREW OR I

TO BE IN YOUR CAR WHEN WE'RE SICK.

HEAVENS, NO.

SO...

I‐I'LL ‐‐ I'LL SEE YOU AT THE OFFICE.

‐OKAY. ‐OKAY.

GO ON AND SKIP ALONG NOW.

FORGIVE ME, OZONE LAYER.

YES. FORGIVE US.

I TRIED. OHH, WE DID.

TRY NOT TO USE TOO MUCH WATER.

WHAT?

WE WON'T.

HEY, FUN LITTLE FACT FOR YOU ‐‐

IF YOU WERE TWO GUYS, TWO GIRLS, OR MARRIED,

YOU COULD CONSERVE WATER BY SHARING THE SHOWER.

OKAY.

WE WOULD NEVER SHARE A SHOWER.

I KNOW! [ LAUGHS ]

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE OFFICE.

SEE YOU. GO ON.

SKIP YOUR HAPPY ASS AWAY.

WHAT THE HELL DID WE DO?

[ SIGHS ]

SOMETHING THAT WE WILL NEVER TALK ABOUT TO ANYONE.

DEAL.

I MEAN IT, SAM ‐‐

NOT EVEN UNDER THE THREAT OF DEATH.

OKAY, OKAY.

AGREED.

Both: AGREED.

♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪

HEY, GRANDMA.

HEY, BABY DANNY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I COME TO SEE THE BABE.

OH! YEAH.

‐AIN'T THAT PRETTY? ‐HEY, BABY.

HEY, MAMA. HOW ARE YOU? I'M GREAT. HOW ARE YOU?

GREAT! GOOD.

OH, LOOK HOW CUTE SHE IS.

YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR BIG BROTHER DANNY.

UH, WHAT BRINGS YOU BY, BABY?

HE COME TO SEE THE BABY LIKE ME, TOO.

YEAH, I JUST CAME TO CHECK ON YOU

AND SEE IF YOU NEEDED ANYTHING.

OH, THAT'S SO SWEET.

YEAH.

YEAH. YEAH.

SAM AND DREW WOULDN'T CARPOOL WITH ME,

SO I THOUGHT I'D FEEL BETTER,

NOT WASTE A TRIP BY, UH,

RUNNING SOME ERRANDS ON MY ROUTE TO WORK.

YOU AND THE ENVIRONMENT. YEAH.

WE GOT TO SAVE THE EARTH FOR THIS LITTLE LADY.

SAVE THE EARTH?

YEAH, GRANDMA.

THAT'S WHY YOU NEED TO GET RID OF THAT BOAT

YOU CALL A CAR AND GET A HYBRID.

WELL, DON'T YOU DOUBLE CROSS ME LIKE THAT.

I'VE HAD MY CAR SINCE '74.

WELL, IT'S BEEN DESTROYING THE EARTH EVER SINCE.

WELL, IT REALLY WOULDN'T MATTER,

'CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA BE HERE TO SEE IT NO HOW.

GRANDMA, THIS IS SERIOUS.

SO IS ME AND MY CAR.

‐OH, HEY, DANNY. ‐HEY, DAD.

HEY, BABY, I GOT TO GET BACK TO WORK.

OOH, OOH, OOH!

I CAN DROP YOU OFF.

SON, I'M AN ELECTRICIAN.

MY TOOLS ARE IN THE TRUCK.

‐OH. ALL RIGHT. ‐OKAY?

‐OKAY. ‐ALL RIGHT. BYE, BABY.

‐BYE. ‐BYE, MS. HATTIE.

BYE, DANNY.

BYE, RUP.

IT'S PHILLIP, DAMN IT.

BYE, LITTLE [BABBLES]

OH, DAD, IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SUNSHINE WHEN YOU DO THAT.

I WAS TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER.

‐RIGHT. HER, TOO. ‐RIGHT.

THANKS FOR ASKING, BABY, BUT I DON'T NEED ANYTHING.

OKAY.

SO, BABY DANNY, YOU SAID SAM

AND DREW WOULDN'T CARPOOL WITH YOU THIS MORNING?

YEAH. I'M NOT SURE WHY.

I MEAN, WE ALL WENT OUT LAST NIGHT AND GOT ‐‐

THEY GOT SO DRUNK. [ CHUCKLES ]

[ LAUGHS ] DID THEY?

YEAH, AND THEN THEY WENT TO BED

AND WOKE UP IN THEIR SAME CLOTHES.

REALLY? YEAH.

IN THE SAME CLOTHES?

YEAH.

MM. WOW.

WHAT?

MM. NOTHING.

MAMA, WHAT?

UM, I JUST FIND IT REALLY WEIRD.

YEAH, RIGHT?

SO, YOU DO, TOO? WELL, YEAH.

SAM LOVES HIS PJs, LET ME TELL YOU.

I MEAN, HE GETS DRUNK,

HE GETS REALLY CRAZY, GOES OUT WITH ALL THESE WOMEN,

AND, YOU KNOW, HE USUALLY GOES OUT,

BUT HE JUST STAYED IN.

HMM.

IS THAT RIGHT?

YEAH.

WHAT, MAMA?

NOTHING.

OKAY, WELL, IF YOU DON'T NEED ANYTHING,

I'M JUST GONNA HEAD ON TO WORK.

‐OKAY. BYE, BABY. ‐OKAY. BYE, GRANDMA.

OKAY. OKAY, GREAT. BYE.

BYE, LITTLE SISTER.

VIVA EARTH!

BABY, I'M MAD AS HELL NOW.

WHAT, MAMA?

SAM IS CHEATING ON ME WITH DREW.

NO, HE'S NOT.

I'M TELLING YOU ‐‐

ONE THING I KNOW IS MY MAN.

WAIT TILL I SEE THAT BASTARD.

MOM, STOP IT RIGHT THERE, OKAY?

THERE IS NO WAY SAM AND DREW

ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER.

OH, OKAY.

♪♪♪♪

‐AH! ‐HEY, EVERYBODY!

‐THANK YOU SO MUCH... ‐HERE YOU GO.

...FOR BRING FOOD BY THE OFFICE.

YEP. TIP.

BEEN SO BUSY ON THIS PROJECT

WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE.

IT'S ALL GOOD. TIP.

UH...

DON'T ACCEPT WOODEN NICKLES.

ALWAYS HAVE A MINT.

OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT!

THANK YOU... SURE.

...SO MUCH.

HEY, DREW. ‐HI!

SAM.

HI.

WHY ARE YOU LOOKING LIKE THAT?

LIKE WHAT?

YOU'RE GLOWING.

NO, I'M NOT!

I WAS TALKING TO SAM.

OH. OKAY.

NO, I'M NOT.

YES, YOU ARE.

NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO ‐‐ I CAN SEE IT.

I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR FACE.

SOMEBODY GOT BUSY.

[ CHUCKLES ] NO.

NOBODY GOT BUSY.

THE ONLY PEOPLE GOT BUSY ARE ME AND MY WIFE.

AND THAT MOVIE MUST HAVE BEEN QUICK.

NO, IT WASN'T.

ANYWAY, WE WENT OUT LAST NIGHT,

THEY GOT SO DRUNK, AND THEY CAME HOME AND WENT TO BED,

AND WOKE UP IN THEIR SAME CLOTHES.

MAN.

IT'S ALL COLD. I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO WARM IT UP.

HUH. WELL, I'M SORRY, MAN.

IT'S A LONG WALK OVER HERE.

HEY, IT'S COOL, BRO ‐‐

THAT'S SAVING THE OZONE ONE STEP AT A TIME.

VIVA EARTH, MAN!

YEAH!

YOU ARE YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S CHILD.

NOW, I BELIEVE SOMEBODY

WAS TEARING THE OZONE LAYER UP LAST NIGHT.

OKAY. OKAY.

I, UH ‐‐

I WENT OUT, AND SHE WAS AMAZING.

[ GASPS ]

WHAT?

IT WAS A SHE!

YEAH.

YEAH, IT WAS A SHE.

AND, UM...

I LEFT THE APARTMENT AROUND 3:00 A. M...

UH‐HUH.

...MET THIS AMAZING WOMAN.

SHE WAS ALL OVER ME.

‐WHA! ‐I WASN'T ALL OVER HER.

SHE WAS ALL OVER ME.

LET'S GET FACTS STRAIGHT.

HE WAS A FREAK!

IT WAS BETTER THAN ANYTHING I CAN EVER REMEMBER.

GAH! IT WAS GOOD AND LONG

AND STRONG AND DOWN TO GET MY FRICTION ON.

MAN. DAMN, I WANT YOUR LIFE, MAN.

IT WAS THE BEST I EVER HAD.

[ GASPS ]

YOU HEARD THAT? MM‐HMM.

I GOT TO GO.

WHAT?

MAN PROBLEMS.

IMPOTENCE?

♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪

DID YOU REALLY MEAN WHAT YOU SAID?

WAS IT ‐‐ WAS IT GOOD?

HELL, NO! I WAS LYING TO HIM.

RIGHT. YEAH. TOTALLY.

[ SCOFFS ] IT WAS, LIKE, TERRIBLE.

SO...

WE SHOULD PROBABLY DO IT AGAIN.

YEAH, AFTER WE GET OFF.

I'M DOWN.

FOOD'LL BE WARM IN JUST A COUPLE SECONDS.

GET BACK TO WORK!

I WAS WARMING THE FOOD UP.

NO, NO, NO.

NOTHING TO SEE HERE, NOTHING TO DO.

EVERYBODY GET BACK TO WORK.

ARE YOU GUYS OKAY?

‐YEAH. ‐MM‐HMM.

YEAH. ‐YOU SEEM A LITTLE TENSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE FINE.

LET'S GO FIX THE COPIER.

WE'RE GONNA GO FIX THE COPIER, OKAY?

TWICE. WE GOT A LOT TO FIX, SO...

WE'LL BE BACK.

GET TO WORK, YOU SLACKER.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE COPIER.

♪♪♪♪