Original subtitles

♪♪♪♪

ALL RIGHT.

SLOW DOWN, NOW.

THERE'S MORE.

AH‐HAH.

I KNEW IT. COME HERE.

I TOLD YOU, DON'T TAKE NO MORE OF MY SALT SHAKERS.

GET OUT OF HERE.

UNCLE FLOYD, WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

OVER THERE SHAKING LIKE A SALT SHAKER.

HE'S STEALING MY BATH SALTS.

I BUY SALT FROM THAT GUY.

THAT'S ‐‐ THAT'S SALTMAN CRUTHERS.

Y'ALL COME AND SIT DOWN. I GOT ONE TABLE FOR YOU.

WE'RE SO BUSY.

WHY?

DIDN'T YOU PEOPLE SEE THE RATING WHEN YOU WALKED IN HERE?

YA NASTY.

HEY.

ZEY...

LIKE, SIT YOUR "A" DOWN SOMEWHERE.

SO, WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE, GANG? Y'ALL WANT THE USUAL?

YEAH. THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

I WANT SOMETHING ELSE. I'LL GET A MENU.

ALL RIGHT. WELL, I'LL BE RIGHT WITH Y'ALL

COME ON, SAM.

I SAID NO.

DANNY?

DON'T TRY AND SWEET TALK HIM.

SHUT THE HELL UP, SAM.

FINE.

GO AHEAD AND TRY AND SWEET TALK HIM.

HE'LL JUST SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU.

OR AROUND YOUR SKINNY ASS.

DANNY. DANIEL. DANNY. DANNY. DANIEL. DANNY.

DANNY. DANIEL.

DANNY, DON'T KNOW HIS DADDY.

DANNY. DANIEL, DANNY.

‐DREW. DREW. DREW. ‐DANNY. DANIEL.

LET ME THINK ABOUT IT.

OKAY, COOL, NO PROBLEM.

JUST THINK QUICKLY.

[ LAUGHS ]

OKAY, OKAY.

YEAH.

DID YOU THINK ABOUT IT?

CAN I GET A DAMN BITE TO EAT FIRST?

OKAY, FINE. FINE.

LEAVE A WOMAN IN DISTRESS.

THAT'S THE WAY I WOULD LEAVE YOU ‐‐ IN DIS‐JACKET.

GUYS, THINK ABOUT IT.

I HAVE NEVER ASKED YOU FOR ANYTHING.

NEVER ONCE HAVE I ASKED YOU FOR A FAVOR.

THAT'S BECAUSE WE NEVER GIVE YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO.

LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING IS, MY UNCLE DAVID,

HE'S GOT THIS DAUGHTER, RIGHT?

AND SHE'S MY COUSIN.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.

ALLEGEDLY.

I AIN'T GOING WITH IT.

ANYWAY [SIGHS] SHE'S GONNA BE IN TOWN

AND HE WANTS ME TO HANG OUT WITH HER, LIKE ALL WEEKEND.

AND AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT.

I GOT MANY MENS, MANY MENS.

AND BESIDES, DANNY, I THINK YOU WOULD BE REALLY GOOD FOR HER.

YOU KNOW, LIKE I FEEL LIKE YOU COULD HELP HER.

OKAY, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW HER?

[ COUGHS ] LIKE A YEAR AGO.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

COME ON, DANNY.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHY CAN'T YOU WATCH HER?

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO?

I HAVE A SORORITY LUNCHEON, THANK YOU.

SORORITIES, GIRLS ‐‐ SHE'S A GIRL.

OKAY, TAKE HER WITH YOU.

WELL, I ‐‐ I WOULD, BUT I DON'T THINK SHE'D LIKE IT.

WHY?

OKAY, FINE, I DON'T THINK THEY'D LIKE HER.

WHY?

MM. SHE'S A BIT ON THE HEFTY SIDE.

UH!

MM, I KNEW IT.

I KNEW IT.

OH, NO, THERE'S MORE? GO ON.

WELL, SHE HAS ACNE AND SHE HAS HEAD GEAR.

UGH.

AND A BACK BRACE.

THAT'S KIND OF HOT.

AND SHE GOT THIS WEIRD BLACK MOLE THAT JUST STARES AT YOU.

BUT IF YOU LOOK AT IT THE RIGHT WAY,

IT'LL WINK AT YOU LIKE, RIGHT?

‐YOU FEEL ME? ‐STOP. STOP IT.

AND SOMETIMES IT'S KIND OF FUN LIKE,

YOU JUST PLAY AROUND WITH IT, LIKE...HEY, CHECK IT.

THERE IT IS, WHOA! [ LAUGHS ]

YEAH, IT'S FUN.

THAT'S GOOD FOR POKER GAMES.

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH.

LET THE MOLE DO THE WORK.

AND YOU'RE ASHAMED OF HER.

NO, I AM NOT.

YES, YOU ARE.

OKAY, FINE, I AM. [ LAUGHS ]

LISTEN, ALL I'M ASKING YOU GUYS TO DO

IS JUST TAKE HER OFF MY HANDS FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

NO.

OKAY, WE'LL DO IT.

YEAH, TAKE THAT ‐‐ WHAT?!

♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪

YOU'RE GOING TO WATCH DREW'S COUSIN?

YEAH.

[ LAUGHS ]

AWESOME. SWEET, MAN. I'M GOING TO GO GIVE HER A CALL.

[ CHUCKLES ]

MIGHT HAVE TO CALL THAT MOLE FIRST TO GET PERMISSION.

WHY?

SHE'S PROBABLY A REALLY NICE GIRL.

NO, SHE'S NOT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

YOU HEARD THE DESCRIPTION.

SAM, WHAT DOES THE WAY SHE LOOK HAVE TO DO WITH HER PERSONALITY?

EVERYTHING.

I CAN HEAR YOU, SAM.

SUCH A LOSER.

I KNOW.

AND SO IS YOUR COUSIN.

SAM, YOU SHOULDN'T DISCRIMINATE AGAINST THE GIRL

JUST BECAUSE SHE'S OVERWEIGHT.

AND HAS BAD ACNE AND HEAD GEAR AND A BACK BRACE

AND A CREEPY, WINKING MOLE.

DANNY?

WHAT?

IT'S JUST FOR A FEW HOURS WHILE SHE'S AT THE LUNCHEON.

DANNY?

WHAT?

DIDN'T YOU HAVE ACNE ONCE?

SO, I HAD ACNE.

YOU STILL DO ON YOUR LOWER BACK, BRO.

Shh.

AND HOW THE HELL YOU KNOW THAT?

UH...UH...

Tan!

WE ‐‐ WE TAN TOGETHER.

WHAT'S IN YOUR EYE?

AIR.

THAT AIN'T SMART.

HERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU.

DON'T MENTION IT.

OKAY.

NO, SERIOUSLY,

DON'T MENTION THE FACT THAT Y'ALL TAN TOGETHER.

[ SIGHS ]

WAIT, FLOYD...

WHAT?

NOW, HEAR ME OUT.

DREW WANTS US TO BABYSIT HER COUSIN WHO'S OVERWEIGHT,

HAS BAD ACNE, AND HEAD GEAR.

WHO STILL WEARS HEAD GEAR?

DREW'S COUSIN.

SHE WANTS US TO BABYSIT HER

BECAUSE SHE'S SO ASHAMED TO BE SEEN WITH HER.

THAT IS NOT TRUE.

DREW.

OKAY, FINE, IT IS.

[ LAUGHS ]

BUT, BOY, IS SHE THRILLED THAT YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO

SHOW HER AROUND THE TOWN.

WHEE.

DANNY AGREED TO IT.

OF COURSE, HE DID.

YOU SEE?

AREN'T YOU PROUD OF ME, UNCLE FLOYD?

[ LAUGHS ]

HELL, NO.

STOP BEING SO SOFT.

AND I LOVE THAT YOU'RE SO SOFT.

MOST GIRLS ‐‐ NEVER MIND.

WELL, I THINK THAT MY COUSIN'S GOING TO APPRECIATE IT,

AND LOOK, SHE KNOWS THAT THE KEY TO MY APARTMENT

IS UNDER THE MAT,

SO SHE'S REALLY NOT GOING TO BOTHER YOU.

‐SURE. ‐OKAY?

AWESOME.

WELL, I'LL SEE YOU PEASANTS LATER.

[ LAUGHS ]

HA.

HOT GUYS, HERE I COME.

All: WHAT?

I'M SORRY.

HOT GIRLS GOING TO LUNCH. WE'RE GOING TO LUNCH.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ SCOFFS ]

YOU ARE INSANE.

NO, I'M NOT.

LOOK, IT'S JUST FOR A FEW HOURS WHILE SHE'S AT HER LUNCHEON.

WAIT A SECOND.

RIGHT...

WHY DID SHE TELL US THAT SHE LEFT THE KEY UNDER THE MAT?

SO SHE COULD GET INTO HER APARTMENT. DUH.

NO. NO. NO.

I KNOW HER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M CALLING HER.

SAM.

DREW?

HEY, I ‐‐ NO, I'M NOT GOING TO TALK DIRTY TO YOU.

IT'S THE MIDDLE ‐‐

WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING FOR THE SORORITY LUNCHEON?

OH, MIAMI, THAT'S N‐‐

MIAMI?! YOU ‐‐ OH.

OH!

‐SHE HUNG UP. ‐SHE HUNG UP.

YOU SEE? YOU SEE? HELLO?

WHAT?

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BABYSIT HER COUSIN ALL WEEKEND.

DAMN.

♪♪♪♪

WHOOP.

WHERE YOU GOING, SAM?

YEE‐HEE.

OUT.

WHY?

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE WITH THE UNATTRACTIVE GIRL.

COME ON, SAM. YOU CAN STAY HERE WITH ME.

AH, NO.

WHY, LITTLE DANNY, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HER.

IT'S FINE.

WHAT'S ALL THIS? WHAT IS THIS?

YOU GOING TO PLAY BOARD GAMES WITH HER?

I INVITED MY MOTHER, GRANDMOTHER,

AND UNCLE FLOYD OVER TO HANG OUT.

'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE WITH HER.

THAT'S NOT IT.

YES, IT IS.

NO, IT'S NOT.

I KNOW I AM, BUT WHAT ARE YOU?

I AM A MAN.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ] I'M A MA‐‐

SHE'S HERE.

YOU THINK THAT'S THE MOLE KNOCKING?

NO, IT ONLY WINKS.

WELL...

♪♪ OPEN AT YOUR OWN RISK ♪♪

STOP IT.

BE PREPARED TO UNLOCK THE POWER OF UGLY.

GROW UP.

I'M SURE SHE'S REALLY, REALLY, REALLY NICE.

WELL, I WILL NOT BE SEEING HER AS I'M LEAVING.

PLEASE DON'T WINK AT ME, LITTLE MOLE.

DAMN, GIRL.

IT'S BAD, RIGHT? IT'S SO BAD.

UH‐HUH. HORRIBLE.

YOU KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED. GO ON, GO.

GO.

I AM.

OH, I'M SORRY. HE'S BLIND.

YEAH.

AND NO SPEAK‐A THE ENGLISH.

'SCUSE ME.

'SCUSE ME. 'SCUSE.

OH, 'SCUSE YOU. [ LAUGHS ]

OOH. OOH. THOSE WRISTS.

UH, THAT AIN'T PRESS‐ON.

DA‐A‐A‐A‐MN!

I KNOW, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

HI, I'M TROY.

HELEN OF TROY?

W‐O‐W.

♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪

COME ON IN.

SO, YOU'RE DREW'S COUSIN?

YES.

WOW.

WHAT?

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU.

[ LAUGHS ] THAT'S NICE.

NIGHT!

[ LAUGHS ]

I THINK I'M GOING TO STAY.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR DATE?

IT CAN WAIT.

[ SIGHS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

NO, IT CAN'T.

[ SCREAMS ]

[ GRUNTS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

JUST A FRIEND.

MOVE, DANNY.

SAM?

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

OH, YEAH, GIRL.

WE DO THIS ALL THE TIME.

THIS IS A NICE PLACE.

THANK YOU, GIRL.

‐[ STOMPS FOOT ] ‐[ GASPS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

I'M SO SORRY MY COUSIN DROPPED ME OFF ON YOUR DOORSTEP.

OH, NOT FROM HEAVEN? TO DOORSTEP, OKAY.

SO...TROY...

SO, TROY‐LICIOUS...

WHEN DID ‐‐ WHERE ‐‐ IF YOU ‐‐ HOW'D YOU GET SO BEAUTIFUL?

I GUESS MY COUSIN TOLD YOU HOW UNATTRACTIVE I WAS?

Both: NAH.

SHE JUST SAID YOU WERE OVERWEIGHT,

HAD BAD ACNE, AND HEAD GEAR,

A LOWER BACK BRACE, AND A WINKY MOLE.

THAT'S NOT UNATTRACTIVE.

YOU'RE TOO KIND.

[ LAUGHS ] AND USING MY DAMN LINES.

WOW. I LOVE BOARD GAMES. ARE WE GOING TO PLAY?

OH, NO, MY FAMILY.

‐WHAT? ‐I HAVE TO CALL AND CANCEL.

THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY OVER HERE.

NO. IT'LL BE FUN.

NO. [ LAUGHS ]

THEY'RE ALL LOSERS.

[ MUMBLES ]

UNH‐UNH!

YOU SAID, WE ALL WHAT?

DANNY?

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY?

HE SAID THE TWO OF Y'ALL WAS LOSERS.

IS THIS THE THANKS I GET FOR COMING OVER HERE?

YEAH, AND I WADDLED OVER HERE ALL PREGNANT.

I'M SORRY. I WAS JUST ABOUT TO ‐‐

JUST ABOUT TO GET YOUR...

ASS WHUPPED.

NOW... "HARPO, WHO DIS WOMAN?"

FLOYD, THIS IS TROY, DREW'S COUSIN.

All: DAMN.

THAT'S WHAT WE BOTH SAID.

UH‐HUH.

BUT SHE FINE AS HELL, THOUGH.

SHE'S MINE.

‐SHE'S MINE! ‐YOU DIDN'T WANT HER.

THAT'S WHEN I THOUGHT SHE LOOKED LIKE YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

WILL YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE I'M NOT HERE?

HI.

HI, I'M TROY.

LINDA.

AND THIS IS MY MOTHER HATTIE.

I'M DREW'S COUSIN.

OH. WHERE IS DREW?

SHE DITCHED ME.

OH, NO, SHE DIDN'T.

COME ON, I KNOW SHE DIDN'T WANT TO HANG WITH ME.

IT'S OKAY.

YEAH, SHE REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU. [ LAUGHS ]

BUT YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH ME ALL WEEKEND.

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH.

OKAY. I'D LIKE THAT.

CAN I GET YOU SOME WINE?

SURE.

COME ON.

I'LL GET IT.

THE HELL YOU ARE.

OW. DANG IT.

BU‐‐

SAM, GO SIT DOWN.

FLOYD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HEY, HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF HER, SO LET HIM.

HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO ‐‐ WITH HER.

HE GOING TO LEARN TODAY.

I THINK HE LIKES HER.

REALLY?

MM‐HMM.

WHAT'S WRONG?

I CAN'T FIND THE WINE OPENER.

OH, I'M SURE DREW HAS ONE.

I'LL GO WITH YOU TO GET IT.

NO, I WANT DANNY TO COME.

EXCUSE ME, SAM.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

TAKE YOUR TIME.

OH, I WILL, 'CAUSE I'M GOING TO BE TAPPING THAT ASS.

DANNY!

DID DANNY SAY HE GOING TO BE TAPPING THAT ASS?

[ CRYING ]

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

[ BOTH SCREAMING ]

OOH. OOH. OOH. OOH.

DANNY. DANNY. DANNY.

♪♪♪♪

WHERE COULD HE BE?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M GETTING WORRIED.

I TRIED CALLING HIM.

HE'S PROBABLY GETTING BUSY ONE TIME.

OR MAYBE NOT GETTING BUSY ONE TIME.

‐I'M GOING OVER THERE. ‐NUH‐UH, LINDA.

WE AIN'T GONNA ‐‐

‐YES, I AM. ‐LINDA.

‐COME ON, LINDA. ‐LEAVE THAT ALONE.

[ SCREAMING ]

‐DANNY. DANNY. DANNY. ‐DA‐DA‐DA, DA‐DA‐DA, DA‐DA‐DA!

DA‐DA‐DA, DA‐DA‐DA, DA‐DA‐DA!

GET YOUR MOUTH OFF THAT!

I SHALL CHERISH THIS MOMENT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I'M SO SORRY.

GOODNIGHT, YOUNG LADY.

GOODNIGHT. I'M SORRY.

DON'T BE.

‐GOODNIGHT IS RIGHT. ‐THANK YOU.

DAMN, DAN.

WHOO.

PLAY ON, PLAYER.

THAT'S MY NEPHEW.

[ LAUGHS ]

GET IN THERE.

YEAH, YEAH.

GET IN THERE.

TAPPED...THAT...ASS.

DAMN.

DANNY JUST PIMPING WITH IT.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

[ LAUGHS ]

DANNY, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

WELL, I'M NOT.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT GIRL.

WHERE WERE Y'ALL?

GETTING IT IN.

WELL, YOU KNOW, WENT TO THE STORE.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW, DREW AIN'T HAVE NO WINE OPENER, SO, YOU KNOW,

WE ROLLIN', WE TALKIN', SPITTIN' THAT GAME, YOU KNOW?

[ LAUGHS ]

AND FELT LIKE I'VE KNOWN HER MY WHOLE LIFE.

YO, MA?

SHE AMAZING.

WHAT?

OH, SEE, DANNY GOT IT.

HE GOT THE PIMP GAME.

IT SKIPPED A GENERATION, BOO.

MM‐HMM.

HE WAS ABOUT TO BLAZE THAT ASS OFF THAT WALL, THOUGH.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ BOTH SCREAMING ]

SHE MAD.

SHE'S STILL LOOKING AT ME.

I'D RATHER GOUGE MY EYES OUT THAN TO LOOK IN HERS.

YO, GRANDMA?

SHE AMAZING.

[ CHUCKLES ]

DANNY FINALLY GETTING WITH SOMETHING

OTHER THAN THE PLASTIC THING IN YOUR CLOSET.

♪♪♪♪

♪♪♪♪

SO, DANNY?

ARE YOU GOING TO SEE HER AGAIN?

OH, YEAH.

WHEN?

RIGHT AFTER I... GO SHOWER.

OOH.

MM‐HMM.

GOING TO A MIDNIGHT MOVIE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THAT'S AFTER 11:00.

[ CHUCKLES ]

DAMN.

YOU STAYING UP PAST YOUR BEDTIME, DANNY?

THAT'S AFTER 8:30.

DAMN.

POWER TO DANNY.

ALL HAIL TO DANNY.

[ LAUGHS ]

THE GRIND IS REAL, Y'ALL.

OOH.

OOH.

THE GRIND IS REAL, BABY.

DANNY.

YOUR BABY DONE GROWED UP, LIN.

BABY, LET IT GO. LEAVE HIM ALONE.

THIS HERE COULD BE GOOD FOR HIM.

OR BAD FOR ALL OF US.

I DON'T LIKE IT.

I DON'T LIKE THIS AT ALL.

I DON'T LIKE IT AT ALL.

HE ‐‐ HE JUST MET THAT GIRL.

AND NOW THEY'RE GOING OUT AGAIN.