Original subtitles

♪♪♪♪

Y'ALL GOT SOME STICKY‐ASS TAPE.

OH.

THANK YOU, GUYS, SO MUCH FOR HELPING ME PAINT.

IT LOOKS NICE.

OH, YOU'RE WELCOME, DAD!

I GOT YA.

I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT.

BUT I GOT TO SAY, UH...

LOOKS NICE! WHAT THE...?

HA HA HA HA!

I GOT YOU!

DON'T YOU EVER...

DO THAT AGAIN.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I THINK IT LOOKS REALLY GREAT, TOO, PHILIP.

THANK YOU. WELCOME.

SO, UH, WHEN ALL THE FURNITURE GONNA GET HERE?

WELL, IT SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

THAT'S WHY I PUT A RUSH ON THINGS.

OH, OKAY.

OOH, AND WHAT DID YOU ORDER?

ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T ORDER ANYTHING.

LINDA ORDERED EVERYTHING.

Together: OOH! OOH! OOH!

OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH!

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?!

EVERYTHING?

YES, EVERYTHING.

WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU LET HER DO THAT?

BECAUSE THIS WILL SOON BE HER HOME.

OH...AND?!

I WANT HER TO BE COMFORTABLE.

FLIP, FLIP, FLIP...

[ SIGHS ]

I KNOW, PHILIP, DAMN IT ‐‐ RIGHT.

YOU DON'T NEVER LET NO WOMAN

THAT YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN DECORATE

DECORATE YOUR WHOLE HOUSE.

LOOK, I'M SURE IT WILL BE FINE, OKAY?

[ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT.

I'M SURE IT WILL BE JUST FINE.

I DON'T KNOW.

HMM.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, MY MOM HAS SOME STRANGE TASTES.

OH, REALLY? HOW SO?

SHE LIKES ODD COLORS.

YEAH, LIKE FUCHSIAS AND PINKS.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

OKAY.

TANGERINES AND SPRAY TANS.

I DIDN'T KNOW SPRAY TAN WAS A COLOR.

[ CHUCKLES ] WHAT OTHER COLORS DOES SHE LIKE?

UM...

WATERMELON.

SURF...BOARD.

GRAINING ON THAT.

[ GIGGLES ]

STOP IT.

OOH! OOH!

STOP IT. STOP!

DON'T MAKE THAT FACE!

UH‐UH!

STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

SORRY, IT UH... REALLY GETS ME GOING.

[ CHUCKLES ]

LOOK, I'M SURE WHATEVER SHE PICKED, IT'LL BE FINE.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

JUST LET THE WOMAN FEEL COMFORTABLE.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

[ LAUGHS ] MUST BE IT NOW.

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THIS.

HELLO. HI.

HOW ARE YOU? ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, FURNITURE FOR LINDA?

YES, BRING IT RIGHT ON IN.

BRING IT IN, GUYS. [ CHUCKLING ]

Floyd: OH!

OOH‐WHEE! OH!

OOH!

Drew: IN THIS HOUSE?

OOH. OH.

MMM!

‐‐Captions by VITAC‐‐ www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS

♪♪♪♪

I TRIED TO WARN YOU!

WHAT THE HELL?!

MM‐HMM!

FLOYD?

HELL, DON'T, "FLOYD," ME.

DAMN! MY MAMA REALLY WENT THERE, DIDN'T SHE?

YEP. TO INFINITY AND TOO LIGHT YEARS BEYOND.

DID Y'ALL SEE THIS CHAIR?

YEAH, WHAT COLOR IS THAT?

WATERMELON.

THIS IS AWFUL, THIS SH‐‐

MM. MM.

THIS CAN'T STAY HERE.

THAT'S WHY I TOLD YOU THAT YOU NEEDED SOME INPUT ON THIS SH‐‐

MM! MM!

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

WAIT A MINUTE, HOLD ON. LET ME...

CAN YOU TURN THIS SOFA OFF.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A SWITCH.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

WELL, UH [CHUCKLES]

JUST LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDES.

SIDE.

HELL, EVERYWHERE IS THE BRIGHT SIDE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!

OH, YOU BEST BELIEVE IT.

HEY, SAM, WHY DON'T YOU SAVE SOME OF YOUR MONEY

AND, UH, LAY OUT AND GET A TAN?

YOU GONNA HAVE TO HAVE SOME SPF

JUST TO SIT HERE IN HIS LIVING ROOM.

STOP IT.

OH, LOOK, NOW, DON'T TRY AND TAKE UP FOR YOU MAMA,

'CAUSE YOU KNOW THIS IS HIDEOUS.

NO, IT'S NOT.

WE JUST HAVE TO GIVE IT A CHANCE.

NOW, COME ON, LET'S ‐‐ LET'S SIT.

ON IT?

YES.

[ SCOFFS ] OKAY.

THAT WILL BURN!

NO, IT WON'T.

NOW, COME ON, LET'S ‐‐ LET'S SIT.

WE CAN'T JUST SIT ON IT.

I AIN'T SCARED OF NO COUCH.

[ GRUNTS ] OOH!

YOU OKAY?

YEAH, SOLAR FLARE GOT ME.

SEE?

IT'S COMFORTABLE.

WELL, KIND OF.

YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THIS COUCH AIN'T COMFORTABLE.

IT'S DRYING ALL THE MOISTURE OUT OF ME. I'M ASHY.

I KNOW.

MY ASS IS BURNING.

IT'S NOT HOT.

YES, THE HELL IT IS!

THIS IS A DISASTER.

WHAT HELL ARE YOU GONNA DO?

HELL, I DON'T KNOW.

OOH!

WHAT?

DID YOU JUST SQUIRT ME WITH THE WATERMELON?

THAT MUCH JUICE,

YOU MUST HAVE SAT ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE RIND.

YOU CAN'T KEEP IT.

WHY NOT?

LOOK AT IT.

IT'S BURNING OUR RETINAS.

IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

DANNY...

SNAP OUT OF IT.

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU SEE?! YEAH.

PHILIP, YOU GOT TO ‐‐ MNH‐MNH

YOU GOT THEM BIG SUN SHADES FOR EYELASHES

AND YOU CAN'T SEE WHO THIS IS?

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M WITH DANNY.

IT'S NOT SO BAD.

[ CHUCKLES ] NICE TRY, FLIP. [ CHUCKLES ]

MAYBE MY KIDS WILL LIKE IT.

SURE...

IF THEY LIVE IN A COLORING BOOK.

I'M JUST GONNA DO MY BEST WITH IT.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT, DAD.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT THAT'S GONNA GET YOU IN HELL.

YOU KNOW, I'VE HEARD THAT SOME THINGS JUST HAVE TO GROW ON YOU,

AND I'M JUST GONNA LET THIS GROW ON ME.

YEAH, THAT'S CALLED SKIN CANCER.

FROM TOO MUCH SOF‐‐ SUN.

YEAH, AND ALL OF YOU GUYS ARE GONNA HAVE IT

IF YOU DON'T GET AWAY FROM THAT THING.

OH, HELL!

THIS IS AWFUL.

DREW, YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO? WHAT DO I SAY?

I WOULD TELL YOU WHAT TO SAY TO LINDA,

BUT, HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW HER LIKE THAT.

SAM?

HUH?!

YOU DON'T MIND BEING RUDE AND OBNOXIOUS.

NO, THAT'S MY FAVORITE PASTIME.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THAT'S THE SAM‐MERICAN DREAM.

BUT IN THE CASE OF SAM VERSUS THE PREGNANT MENOPAUSAL WOMAN,

SAM PASSES.

[ CHUCKLES ]

FLOYD?

FLOYD, MY ASS!

YOU KNOW I AIN'T GONNA SAY NOTHING TO LINDA.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I'M JUST GONNA TELL HER.

CAN WE BE THERE?

OH, YOU GUYS ARE EVIL.

Hattie: OH, YES, SIR.

THAT GIRL GONNA SLEEP HER EYEBALLS OUT.

LINDA!

GET UP, BABY, BEFORE YOUR EYEBALLS FALL OUT.

OH, MAMA, HOW LONG WAS I NAPPING?

GIRL, THAT WASN'T NO NAP ‐‐ THAT WAS A SLUMBER THERE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, THIS BABY GOT ME FEELING ALL...

FAT AND TIRED.

YEAH, YOU LOOK FAT AND TIRED.

[ CHUCKLES ]

BUT I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.

HI, LITTLE BOO‐DOO! HELLO, BOO‐DOO.

HEY, THIS IS YOUR GRANNY!

OOH‐OOH!

THIS IS YOUR GRANNY!

HELLO, COME ON OUT OF THERE!

I WANT TO SEE Y'ALL AWAY FROM HERE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH.

I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU FEEL BIG AND EVERYTHING.

I BET YOU CAN.

WHAT THE HELL YOU TRYING TO SAY?

WHAT?

I KNOW YOU AIN'T TRYING TO SAY I'M FAT.

BOY, I'M FINE AS HELL!

DON'T GET IT TWISTED.

YEAH, MAMA, YOU ARE...

AS HELL.

DON'T GET SMART IN HERE, LINDA.

I'M NOT.

FLIP CALLED FOR YOU. OH, HE DID?

YEAH, HE CALLED A LITTLE WHILE AGO.

I WONDER IF THE FURNITURE CAME.

YEAH, HE SAID IT DID.

OH, MAMA, I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO SEE!

IS IT NICE?

UH, YEAH, I'M SURE IT LOOKS EVEN BETTER THAN IT DID

WHEN WE PICKED IT OUT ON THE COMPUTER.

[ CHUCKLES ] GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

YEAH, I LAID THAT PLACE OUT.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW I GOT GOOD TASTE.

YEAH, YEAH.

YOU KNOW HE SAID, HE SAID, HE SAID, HE SAID...

THEY WAS JUST GETTING FINISHED PAINTING,

AND THEY WERE SETTING EVERYTHING UP.

OH, WELL, THEN WE NEED TO GET OVER THERE.

WE NEED TO GET OVER THERE. HUH?

WE GOT TO HELP THEM PLACE IT, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW THEY AIN'T GOT NO TASTE.

WELL...

WELL, HOLD ON, LET ME GET MY POCKETBOOK.

YEAH. [ KNOCK ON DOOR. ]

HEY. HEY!

HEY.

HEY!

HEY...

HEY.

HEY!

Philip: HI, HI.

HEY.

HEY! I AIN'T KNOW YOU CALLED NO MEETING.

WE WERE JUST ON OUR WAY TO COME OVER THERE

TO LOOK AT THE FURNITURE.

YEAH, I WANTED TO HELP Y'ALL PLACE EVERYTHING,

'CAUSE I KNOW Y'ALL DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

YEAH.

SOMEBODY DON'T!

UH, HEY, BABY, HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD.

GOOD?

Y‐Y‐YOU SHAKING.

HE LOOK NERVOUS.

TOO MUCH SUN EXPOSURE.

SAY WHAT?

RADIATION.

STOP PLAYING, Y'ALL.

BABY, DO YOU LIKE THE FURNITURE?

Drew: G‐G‐G‐GO ON.

A‐ANSWER, PHILIP.

YEAH.

WELL ‐‐ WELL, IS IT COMFORTABLE?

LINDA SAY IT'S SHA‐A‐A‐RP.

OH, YEAH.

IT'S "SHA‐A‐A‐RP," ALL RIGHT.

IT'LL CUT RIGHT THROUGH YA.

SO, BABY, DO YOU LIKE IT?

ANSWER HER!

PHILIP?

YEAH, YEAH.

WELL... IS IT COMFORTABLE?

THIS ONE'S PROBABLY COOLER.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE SOFA?

IT'S OUT OF THIS WORLD, HONEY.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

ANOTHER WHOLE ORBIT.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

NOTHING.

MOM, PHILIP GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

OW.

WHAT IS IT?

GO ON, PHILIP.

HONEY, YOU WANT TO SIT DOWN?

WHERE?

WHERE SAM USED TO BE.

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE FURNITURE.

WHAT ABOUT IT?

WELL, UM...

WHAT?

SAY IT.

WHAT, PHILIP?

THEY DON'T LIKE IT!

[ GASPS ] WHAT?!

WHAT?

THEY DON'T LIKE NONE OF IT.

YOU SEE THEM BUS TRACKS ON MY BACK.

WELL, DON'T NONE OF THEM HAVE TO LIVE THERE.

[ SCOFFS ]

ALL THEM MUSCLES FOR NOTHING!

MAN UP, PHILIP!

GO ON, PHILIP.

GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME.

YOU GOT NO MORE TIME TO DO THAT.

HONEY, CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE FURNITURE?

I THOUGHT THAT WAS WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT.

WELL...

I DON'T LIKE IT.

WHAT?

I DON'T LIKE IT AT ALL.

ANY OF IT?

NONE.

NONE OF IT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR.

THAT AIN'T MY FAVORITE COLOR!

CAROLINE TOLD ME IT WAS.

OH.

HONEY, I'M SORRY.

I WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU.

SORRY.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

IT'S OKAY.

WHERE YOU GOING?

WHERE YOU GOING?

WELL, I WANT TO SEE IT.

I THOUGHT I WAS DOING SOMETHING SPECIAL.

I'LL JUST HELP YOU PACK IT ALL UP SO WE CAN SEND IT BACK.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WE ‐‐ WE'LL DO IT.

YEAH, WE'LL DO IT. NO, NO, I WANT TO SEE IT.

I WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE SO MUCH.

BABY, I'M REALLY SORRY.

I AM.

IT'S OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

[ Voice breaking ] I'M GONNA GO WAIT IN THE CAR.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CRY.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU COULD HAVE LIVED WITH THAT FURNITURE.

NO, THE HELL I COULDN'T HAVE.

NOW YOU DONE GONE AND HURT HER FEELINGS

AND GOT HER ALL UPSET AND CRYING AND EVERYTHING.

WELL, AT LEAST SOMEONE CAN STILL PRODUCE TEARS.

GET YOUR ASSES UP!

SO WE CAN GO AND GET THIS GIRL.

SHE OVER HERE CRYING.

COME OVER HERE, AND LET'S GO SEE THIS FURNITURE.

GET IN HERE AND SEE THIS ‐‐ AY!

WHAT THE HELL?!

IT'S BRIGHT IN HERE!

WELL, HONEY, LOOK, NOW, WHEN YOU CO‐‐

HONEY, OKAY, WATCH YOUR STEP NOW.

HONEY. WOW.

HONEY?

OH!

OH, BABY, OH. HONEY.

OH, OH. I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

WE'LL ‐‐ WE'LL KEEP IT.

WE'LL KEEP IT.

PHILIP...

MAMA, IT'S OKAY.

PLEASE, JUST STOP CRYING, PLEASE.

IS SHE ALL RIGHT?

MAMA, IT'S OKAY.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!

WHAT ARE YOU ALL THE WAY IN THE KITCHEN?!

'CAUSE I CAN'T STAND AND LOOK AT THAT UGLY ‐‐

SHUT UP ‐‐ COME ON, HATTIE!

WELL, YOU PICKED IT OUT.

NO, HELL, I DIDN'T, EITHER!

YOU DIDN'T? NO!

WELL, SOMEONE SURE DID.

OH, HONEY.

LOOK AT HER. SHE CAN'T STOP CRYING.

HONEY, I SEE HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO YOU.

WE'LL JUST KEEP IT.

OKAY?

JUST, PLEASE, STOP CRYING.

MISS ‐‐ MISS LINDA, ARE YOU REALLY CRYING?

OH.

MISS HATTIE, MISS LINDA'S CRYING.

[ SNORTS ]

OH!

OH, GOD!

NOT MY FOOT!

SIT UP, BRO, SIT UP.

I'M SORRY. I'M REALLY SORRY.

OH, NO! NOW THE BOTH OF THEM ARE CRYING.

I'M NOT CRYING.

WHAT?

AND NEITHER IS SHE!

WHAT?

WE LAUGHING.

LAUGHING?

THEY LAUGHING.

WE LAUGHING.

[ Laughing ] THEY LAUGHING.

[ AWKWARD LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

WE ‐‐ WE ‐‐ WE ‐‐ WE...

I ‐‐ I DON'T KNOW ANY SH‐‐

HEY, HEY, HEY!

TEACHING THE BABY!

BABY'S GONNA COME OUT CUSSING.

SO YOU LAUGHING?

[ AWKWARD LAUGHTER ]

OH, BOY.

THIS IS WHAT I PICKED.

THEY MUST HAVE MESSED UP THE ORDER.

WHEW! [ CHUCKLES ]

NOW ‐‐ NOW, I'M...

I KNOW. IT'S FUNNY. I KNOW.

OOH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE EXPECT HE THOUGHT YOU WERE BOOTLEGGING!

NOW, BABY...

I LIKE THIS. YEAH, YEAH.

NOW, I LIKE THIS.

YEAH, YEAH. PRAISE THE LORD.

WHEW!

THIS WAS ONE CRAZY MIX‐UP.

YEAH.

AND ‐‐ AND YOU WERE GONNA KEEP ALL OF THIS?

FOR ME?

YES.

OH, OH, OH, OH.

MNH‐MNH. MNH‐MNH. MNH‐MNH. MNH‐MNH.

YOU DO LOVE ME, HUH?

MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, BABY.

BUT WE GOT TO GET RID OF THIS FURNITURE.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

IT'S GIVING MY BABY A SONOGRAM.

GLADLY.

OH ‐‐ MM, MM, MM! HMM?

BUT ‐‐ BUT YOU REALLY THOUGHT I...

CHOSE THIS?

HUH?

I MEAN, THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK OF MY TASTE?

UH, UM...

ACTUALLY, UM...

DANNY SAID...

IT WAS ACTUALLY FLOYD.

OH, YOU BIG‐HEADED...

[ CHUCKLES ]

SAM AND DREW BOTH SAID ‐‐

MISS HATTIE WAS THE ‐‐

I AIN'T SAID NOTHING!

YOU WAS THE...

HMM?