Original subtitles

AHH.

YOU ALWAYS DO THAT.

YES, I DO.

WHAT'D HE DO NOW?

WHAT A MAN ALWAYS DOES.

WHAT'S THAT? WAIT!

I'M ALMOST AFRAID TO ASK.

HE LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP IN THE BATHROOM.

SAM!

DON'T "SAM" ME. IT'S A UNISEX BATHROOM.

THE REAL QUESTION IS, WHY DOES HE LEAVE THE SEAT DOWN?

HEY, HEY. IT'S COURTESY TO LEAVE IT DOWN.

NO, IT'S COURTESY TO LEAVE IT UP.

THAT WAY, I DON'T HAVE TO TOUCH IT TO RAISE IT.

OKAY. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

LEAVE IT UP AGAIN AND YOU DIE.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

THE BIG DEAL...

MM, IS THAT I‐I FELL IN.

[ COUGHS ] W‐WHAT?

I SAID, I FELL IN!

[ LAUGHING ] [ MUFFLED LAUGHING ]

DANNY, DON'T LAUGH!

[ COUGHS, STIFLES LAUGH ] SORRY, DREW.

THIS ISN'T FUNNY! [ LAUGHS ]

I GOT ALL WET, AND I HAD TO DRY OFF WITH THE HAND DRYER.

THAT THING IS REALLY INTENSE!

IT'S A LOT OF PRESSURE!

AND A LOT OF PLEASURE. [ GIGGLES ]

[ GROANS ] UGH. UGH. EW. UGH.

SAY MY NAME, BLOW‐DRY!

UNH‐UNH.

SAY MY NAME, YOU BLOW‐DRY!

NUH‐UH. NO. NO, NO.

AND ‐‐ AND BECAUSE OF THAT,

I WILL NEVER LEAVE THE SEAT UP AGAIN.

WORKED LIKE A CHARM. [ CHUCKLES ]

YOU ARE THE WORST. [ CHUCKLES ]

OH. HI.

UH, HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?

HI. I NEED TO GET A WEB SITE DESIGNED.

AH, SURE. OOH.

YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. MM‐HMM.

SO WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

UM, WELL, IT'S A BUSINESS VENTURE THAT I'M WORKING ON.

WELL, WE CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT.

I'M DREW, THIS IS DANNY,

AND...THAT'S THE JANITOR.

DON'T YOU HAVE A BATHROOM TO CLEAN?

I'M ‐‐ I'M SAM.

Danny and Sam: HI. Woman: HI.

SO TELLS US ABOUT YOUR VISION.

WELL, IT'S FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT.

MM‐HMM. THANK YOU.

OKAY. OKAY.

HERE. HERE IS A BROCHURE.

MM‐HMM.

MM. WELL?

[ GASPS ] OOH, THIS IS LOVELY.

YES, IT IS.

I MADE A LOT OF MONEY THERE.

UH, WHERE IS THIS PLACE?

ON MARSHALL STREET.

[ STOMACH GURGLES ] OOH. OOH. OOH.

I‐I'M SORRY. DO YOU HAVE A BATHROOM?

OH.

YEAH, YEAH. DON'T FALL IN.

EXCUSE ME?

[ CHUCKLES ] DON'T ‐‐ DON'T FALL IN LOVE

WITH THE AMAZING DESIGNS WE'RE GONNA DO FOR YOU.

OKAY.

THE BATHROOM IS RIGHT BACK THERE AND TO YOUR RIGHT.

THANK YOU. Sam: [ CHUCKLES ]

HAVE A GOOD TIME, GIRL.

HA. HA HA.

MARSHALL STREET, HUH?

ISN'T THIS THE SAME PLACE YOUR MOTHER WAS MOVING?

YEAH. IT ‐‐ IT IS THE SAME PLACE.

YOU DON'T THINK THAT THAT'S THE SAME WOMAN, DO YOU?

MY MOM SAID IT WAS A WOMAN THAT LOOKED A LOT LIKE HER.

WAIT.

WHAT? NO, I'M CALLING THE POLICE.

DANNY, NO.

WELL, WHY ‐‐ WHY NOT?

[ HANGS UP RECEIVER ] BECAUSE. WE'RE NOT SURE.

OH, NO. I'M SURE.

DANNY, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE.

SHE'S GOT A POINT THERE.

AND THINK ABOUT IT ‐‐ WE COULD REALLY USE THIS MONEY.

YES...WE...COULD.

BUT WHAT IF IT'S THE SAME WOMAN?

WELL, WE HAVE TO FIND OUT.

OKAY, LOOK. EVERYBODY, WHATEVER YOU DO, KEEP COOL.

STAY CALM. JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK'S TAKING HER SO LONG IN THERE?

SHE PROBABLY FELL IN.

AND SHE'S PROBABLY STUCK.

OH!

HER HIPS WERE A LOT WIDER THAN MINE.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, HEY GIRL!

WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOUR AMAZING FIGURE.

SORRY. I'M ON A HIGH FIBER DIET.

WHOA.

SO DO YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THE JOB?

YES! YES, WE CAN!

I DON'T KNOW.

YES, WE CAN.

SO...YOU SAID YOU MADE A LOT OF MONEY ON THIS PLACE, HUH?

YES, I HAVE.

MM.

YOU'RE THE LANDLORD?

DID I STUTTER THE FIRST TIME?

SHE AIN'T GON' TALK TO ME.

HEY. [ MOUTHS WORDS ]

YES, I'M THE LANDLORD.

MM. IT'S A LOVELY PLACE.

AIN'T THAT NICE!

THANK YOU. MM‐HMM.

PRETTY CHEAP. [ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, THAT'S WHY I'VE MADE A LOT OF MONEY.

PEOPLE COME OUT OF THE WOODWORK FOR A HUNK A...

OOH, GIRL! I'LL BET!

[ Lowered voice ] HEY.

[ CHUCKLES ] SO...

DO YOU HAVE A CHECK?

UH, SO DO YOU WANNA TELL ME

HOW MONEY IT'S GOING TO COST ME TO GET STARTED

BEFORE YOU ASK FOR A CHECK?

UH, WE REQUIRE A $500 ‐‐

THOUSAND DOLLAR DEPOSIT.

EXCUSE ME?

I'M SORRY. THESE TWO IDIOTS MEAN A $500 DEPOSIT.

OH, OKAY. NOW...

DO YOU TAKE CASH?

DO YOU TAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY?

[ CHUCKLES ]

EXCUSE ME?

[ LAUGHS ]

AH. AH. SORRY. HE'S KIDDING.

HERE YOU GO.

OKAY. GREAT.

SO WE'LL GET YOUR CONTRACT AND YOUR RECEIPT,

AND WE'LL COME UP WITH LOTS OF IDEAS AND CONCEPTS.

YEAH, CON CEPTS.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW, LIKE CONS, AS IN EX‐CON.

LIKE COMMA, COMMA, COMMA ‐‐

COMMA, KARMA CHAMELEON.

[ LAUGHS ]

WHAT'S HIS DEAL? HE GOT TOURETTE'S?

BIG BOY GEORGE FAN.

[ CHUCKLES ]

JUST BRAINSTORMING.

DOES THAT SOUND LIKE A PLAN?

YES, IT SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

[ SIGHS ] [ DOOR CLOSES ]

DANNY! DANNY, WILL YOU RELAX?

NO. I DON'T WANT TO WORK FOR HER!

WE'RE NOT SURE IT'S THE SAME WOMAN.

YES. EXACTLY.

COOL IT.

THERE IS ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.

Hattie Mae: [ SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ]

Floyd: BUT YOU GOTTA STOP

HANGING UPSIDE DOWN IN THE FREEZER, FOR REAL.

HEY, GRANDMA.

HEY, MISS HATTIE. HEY.

HEY! IS MY MAMA ‐‐

SO NOBODY SEE ME.

IS MY MAMA HERE?

NO, SHE AIN'T HERE. SHE WENT OUT WITH WILL.

WITH WILL?! YEAH.

OH, NO. WHAT'S WRONG?

LOOK.

WHAT IS THAT?

OH, THAT'S A NICE APARTMENT.

ESPECIALLY FOR $1,500 A MONTH.

I'M‐A HAVE TO TELL LINDA ABOUT THIS HERE.

NO. NO, NO, NO. LOOK CLOSELY.

OOH! THEY GOT A FIREPLACE.

OOH! SHE CAN CUT DOWN ON HER HEATING BILL!

OOH! SHE GONNA LIKE THAT!

THE BOTH OF... ♪♪ YOU ♪♪ ARE MISSING THE POINT.

YOU CAN'T SING.

WE GET THE POINT.

THE POINT IS, LINDA NEED HER APARTMENT.

SO WE GOT THE POINT.

LOOK AT THE PLACE.

DOES IT LOOK FAMILIAR?

OOP!

IS THAT THE PLACE WHERE I ALMOST GOT ARRESTED

FOR THAT...UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT WITH THAT GIRL?

FLOYD.

THAT HAPPENED TO YOU, TOO?

SHE SAID SHE WAS AN ENTERTAINER.

[ GASPS ] WAS HER NAME STARLET?

YOU KNOW HER, TOO?

[ SIGHS ] PAY ATTENTION, FLOYD.

Sam and Floyd: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

WHATEVER! WHAT IS IT?

THIS IS THE PLACE THAT RIPPED MY MOM OFF,

AND THIS IS THE WOMAN, TOO.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP ON TALKING.

THIS LADY CAME INTO OUR JOB TODAY WANTING A WEB DESIGN.

I RECOGNIZED THE APARTMENT BECAUSE THIS IS THE SAME ONE

SHE WAS MARKETING.

THIS IS THE SAME PLACE!

THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!

YEAH. [ SIGHS DEEPLY ]

WELL, WHERE THE WOMAN AT?

SHE LEFT. YOU ALL LET HER GO?

NO, SHE'S GONNA MEET US LATER

BECAUSE WE HAVE TO GIVE HER OUR IDEAS AND CONCEPTS.

WHEN? WHENEVER WE CALL HER, I GUESS.

OKAY. COOL.

WHAT?

CALL HER.

WHY?

YEAH.

I DON'T HAVE MY IDEAS AND CONCEPTS TOGETHER.

YOU GUYS KNOW I CAN'T WORK UNDER PRESSURE!

BUT LOOK, WE JUST WANT TO GET 'EM ALL TOGETHER.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, FLOYD. MM‐HMM.

GET 'EM ALL TOGETHER IN THE SAME PLACE.

MM‐HMM.

YEAH. RIGHT HERE IN THE DINER.

CALL HER. OKAY.

AND, DANNY, I'M ‐‐ I'M ‐‐ I'M‐A GO CALL LINDA

AND GET THEM BACK HERE, TOO.

ALL RIGHT.

SO WHAT THEY SAY?

SHE'S ON THE WAY.

GOOD. I JUST CALLED LINDA,

AND THEY ON THERE WAY BACK HERE, TOO.

HEY, THIS IS CRAZY.

YEAH. TELL ME ABOUT IT.

THIS WOMAN COMING TO OUR OFFICES OF ALL PLACES.

IT'S CRAZY, RIGHT?

YEAH, IT IS.

WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING SHE DID.

WELL, I JUST CALLED THE POLICE, SO...

YOU DID WHAT?!

Danny: OH! Sam: [ SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ]

I SAID I‐I CALLED THE POLICE.

WELL, WHAT THE HELL YOU DO THAT FOR?

MISS HATTIE, THEY ‐‐ THEY SHOULD BE HERE.

NO, THEY SHOULD NOT BE HERE!

YES, THEY SHOULD, MISS HATTIE!

NO, THEY SHOULD NOT BE HERE! OW!

GRANDMA, THEY SHOULD BE HERE.

SAY IT AGAIN.

OKAY.

I SAID THEY SHOULD NOT BE HERE!

OKAY.

WHY NOT, MISS HATTIE?

Y'ALL KNOW I GOT WARRANTS!

MOVE!

AH! [ GASPS ]

I TELL YOU ONE THING.

WHEN THEY GET HERE, YOU BETTER NOT CALL ME BY MY GOV'MENT.

YOUR WHAT?

BY MY GOV'MENT.

EXCUSE ME.

HATTIE‐NESE MOMENT.

GOVERNMENT.

RIGHT. MY WHOLE DAMN NAME.

THEY CAUGHT ME BY ONE OF MY ALIASES.

WHICH ONE? ATILLA?

NOW YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CALL HIM PURSE.

PURSE?

'CAUSE HE LOVES PURSES.

Drew and Sam: [ LAUGH ]

EXCUSE ME, THAT WAS A MANBAG.

RONNIE GAVE IT TO ME FOR CHRISTMAS. I COULDN'T REFUSE IT.

YEAH, RONNIE LIKE PURSES, TOO.

WELL, I DIDN'T GET ONE.

I GOT PLENTY.

HEY, FLOYD. THINK FAST!

OH. [ SCOFFS ] PLEASE.

[ LAUGHS ]

OOH!

I TOLD YOU HE LOVE PURSES. I TOLD YOU HE LIKE 'EM.

STOP IT! STOP IT! THIS IS SERIOUS.

I'M GETTING NERVOUS.

[ WHEEZING ]

WHY YOU NERVOUS? 'CAUSE A LADY'S COMING?

NO.

[ WHEEZES ]

WELL, LADIES MAKE YOU NERVOUS.

[ WHEEZES ] NO.

YOU KNOW, I'VE READ SOMEWHERE, AND A LOT OF TIMES,

IT'S NOT JUST A SINGLE PERSON, IT'S A CRIME RING.

WHAT IF THE MAFIA'S INVOLVED?

THE MAFIA!

AAH!

YEAH. Y'ALL ON YOUR OWN WITH THAT!

FLOYD!

BRING YOUR...[ INDISTINCT ] BACK HERE!

UHH! COME ON!

COME ON NOW!

MAN, FLOYD!

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

Y'ALL ON YOUR OWN WITH THAT MAFIA STUFF.

MNH‐MNH. I DON'T FOOL WITH THE MAFIA.

YOU KNOW WHAT, DANNY?

YOU COULD BE RIGHT.

IT COULD BE THE MAFIA.

OR EITHER THE CARTEL.

THE CARTEL?!

Floyd: AAH! FLOYD!

BRING YOUR...[ INDISTINCT ] RIGHT BACK HERE!

OW! COME ON NOW!

YOU KNOW YOU HEAVIER THAN ME! IT'S UNFAIR.

HATTIE, YOU TALKED ABOUT THE CARTEL!

YEAH, THE CARTEL!

'CAUSE I'M‐A GO GET MY CAR AND RUN OVER YOUR TAIL.

YOU CAN'T RUN NOWHERE WITH THAT OLD RUSTY HIP.

EVERY TIME YOU MOVE, IT'S LIKE RUST.

[ IMITATES CREAKING ]

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE RIGHT THERE, FLOYD.

BUT I GOT ONE FOR YOU. WHAT?

[ IMITATES CREAKING ]

GRANDMA, NO!

PUT AWAY ALL THAT FOOLISHNESS.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, DANNY?

YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT ABOUT THAT THERE, THOUGH.

HEY, ALL.

HEY, FLIP!

IT'S PHILIP.

SHUT THE FLIP UP.

YOU A CUSSING DEMON.

WELL, SHE AIN'T HERE.

WHO?

WELL, YOU KNOW YOU CAME TO SEE LINDA.

ACTUALLY, NO. I CAME TO HAVE LUNCH.

FOR SOMEONE WHO HASN'T EATEN, YOU FULL OF IT.

WELL, YOU GONNA HAVE TO WAIT ANYHOW

'CAUSE WE FULL AND WE AIN'T GOT NO PLACE FOR YOU.

HEY, FLIP.

HEY, DANNY. WHAT'S GOING ON?

[ MUTTERS AND WHEEZES ]

WHY YOU LOOKING SO NERVOUS?

I'M NOT NERVOUS. WHY YOU SAY THAT?

DO I LOOK NERVOUS? I DON'T LOOK NERVOUS, RIGHT?

LOOK AT YOU. YOU LOOK NERVOUS.

YOUR ARMPITS ARE SWEATING.

NO, THEY'RE NOT.

NOT THAT YOU CAN SEE.

YOU SURE LOOK... [ CHUCKLES ] YOU NERVOUS.

UNH‐UNH. MM.

Sam: WHOA!

DAMN!

WE ALIVE?

SHE DONE LEFT WEAVE BURNS ON ME.

[ Loudly ] YOU ALL RIGHT?!

[ Loudly ] YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT!

[ Normal voice ] WHAT?

[ Normal voice ] YEAH.

UNCLE FLOYD?

HMM?

WHY YOU CALL ME WITH THAT LIE?

WHICH ONE?

SAYING MY MAMA WAS SICK.

IN THE HEAD.

BUT I DIDN'T CALL YOU.

IT WAS A MAN ON THE PHONE.

THAT WAS YOUR MAMA.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

YES.

'CAUSE WE WERE AT THE MUSEUM, AND I CAN'T GET MY MONEY BACK.

THE MUSEUM?

YES, UNCLE FLOYD.

I AIN'T YOUR DAMN UNCLE!

AND WHO WOULD PAY TO GO TO THE MUSEUM

WHEN YOU CAN GO ONLINE AND SEE ALL THE PICTURES THERE?

Wi‐Fi.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

[ Deep voice ] I WANTED TO SEE YOU.

MAMA, DID YOU CALL ME?

[ Normal voice ] YEAH.

BUT IT WAS A MAN ON THE PHONE.

[ Deep voice ] THAT WAS ME.

APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

MAMA.

[ Normal voice ] HUH? I WAS MISSING YOU.

MAMA.

I JUST WANNA SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH MY BABY GIRL.

TOMORROW'S NOT PROMISED TO ANY OF US.

WE COULD LEAVE HERE TODAY.

HEY, MAMA.

HEY, BABY.

SEE YOUR GRANDMOTHER? SHE CRAZY.

YOU ARE... JUST FIGURING THAT OUT NOW?!

COME ON, WILL. LET'S GO. YES, BABY. LET'S GO.

NO! YOU CAN'T.

WHY NOT? UH...

I'M NOT FEELING WELL.

YOU LOOK FINE TO ME.

[ WHEEZING ]

I'M JUST PRETENDING TO BE FINE SO THAT YOU WON'T LEAVE.

[ CONTINUES WHEEZING ]

WHAT IS GOING ON?

[ BOTH WHEEZING ]

MISS LINDA...[ INHALES DEEPLY ]

WE JUST WANTED TO SEE YOU.

[ WHEEZING DRAMATICALLY ]

OH, SO NO ONE WANTS TO DO IT WITH ME?

OVER THERE A‐A RABID COW.

UH, MISS LINDA, WHERE YOU GOING, GIRL?

IS THAT A NEW DRESS? [ CHUCKLES ]

YES. WILL BOUGHT IT FOR ME.

WITH YOUR OWN MONEY.

USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE.

[ Whispers ] WITH YOUR OWN MONEY.

COME ON, WILL. LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

HI, LINDA.

HI.

OH. HOW ARE YOU?

I'M G ‐‐ SHE'S FINE.

COME ON, BABY, LET'S GO. THIS IS CRAZY.

NOT SO DAMN FAST.

MY HIP.

YES.

OH! MY HIP JUST WENT OUT!

JUST WENT OUT.

[ GRUNTS ] LINDA, I NEED YOU TO HELP ME, BABY.

PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS.

MOVE!

OOH! OOH!

STAY WITH IT, GRANDMA. STAY WITH IT.

YOU GOT IT. YOU GOT IT. OOH!

Floyd: GET ON YOUR GOOD FOOT, HATTIE.

CUT THE CRAP, MISS HATTIE. THE LANDLORD'S HERE.

HUH? SHE HERE?

YEAH. OH.

AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

YOU WERE THAT CLOSE TO ME PUTTING YOU OUT YOUR MISERY.

HI.

HI.

I WAS WONDERING WHY YOU WANTED TO MEET HERE,

BUT I GUESS I COULD GET A BITE TO EAT.

YEAH. I GUESS YOU COULD.

MOVE!

SHE GOT A HIP PROBLEM. SORRY.

HI, WILL.

BINGO, BABY!

YOU'RE THE LADY WHO STOLE MY MONEY.

EXCUSE ME?

YOU STOLE MY MONEY FROM THE APARTMENT.

SHE ASKING THE WRONG PERSON.

AND HOW DO YOU KNOW WILL?

THAT'S THE RIGHT QUESTION, BABY.

WILL?

Danny: LOOK, MAMA.

THIS LADY CAME INTO OUR OFFICE WANTING A WEB DESIGN.

HA!

AND THEN IT WAS THE APARTMENT THAT, YOU KNOW, I RECOGNIZED

'CAUSE YOU HAD DESCRIBED HER.

AND I PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER,

BUT WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW IS IF WILL WAS INVOLVED.

ARE YOU?

LINDA, LET ME EXPLAIN.

YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT THERE!

YES.

YES, I CAN.

NO, YOU CANNOT ‐‐

SHUT THE HELL UP, MISS HATTIE!

[ GASPS LOUDLY ] OH!

[ Strained voice ] I GOT HER.

WHO THE HELL YOU THINK YOU TALKING TO?!

MOVE! MOVE!

MOVE! Floyd: WAIT, HATTIE!

COME ON, HATTIE! COME ON, HATTIE!

COME ON, HATTIE! STOP IT NOW.

[ Strained voice ] STOP IT.

STOP ALL THAT FIGHTING!

THIS IS A CHRISTIAN DINER, DAMN IT!

FLOYD, YOU CAN'T SAY "DAMN IT" IN CHR ‐‐

IS THIS CHRISTIAN?

LINDA, CAN I JUST TALK TO YOU OUTSIDE ALONE, PLEASE?

I THINK THAT'S MY CUE TO GET OUTTA HERE.

GO AHEAD. TRY TO COME THROUGH ME.

I AIN'T SCARED OF YOU, OLD ‐‐ MOVE!

OKAY. I'M SCARED. MOVE!

WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS SITUATION TO ME?