Original subtitles

WOW, THIS STORM IS BAD.

Woman: HERE'S THE WEATHER ALERT FOR THE ENTIRE METRO AREA.

WINDS ARE BLOWING AT ALMOST 55 MILES PER HOUR.

THERE ARE TORNADO WATCHES IN EFFECT

FOR THE ENTIRE METRO AREA.

RESIDENTS ARE ASKED TO STAY HOME.

THIS IS TURNING OUT TO BE ONE OF THE WORST STORMS

WE HAVE SEEN IN OVER 36 YEARS.

[ TV SHUTS OFF ]

MAMA, WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

OH, THEM OLD WEATHER FOLK DON'T DO NOTHING

BUT JUST EXAGGERATE EVERYTHING.

THEY'RE NOT EXAGGERATING.

I WAS IN THAT STORM OVER 36 YEARS AGO,

AND IT WASN'T THAT BAD.

COURSE, WE WAS IN A TRAILER THEN.

I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S WHEN I WAS ON THE ROAD WITH THE CIRCUS.

I HOOKED UP WITH THE BEARDED LADY.

WHAT?!

GIRL, NOT LIKE THAT.

SHE WAS MY ROOMMATE.

YOU WAS NEAR ABOUT ROUND

ABOUT ‐‐ ABOUT 4 YEARS OLD THEN.

MAMA, I LIVED IN A TRAILER PARK?

YEAH, YOU WERE TRAILER‐PARK TRASH.

THAT'S NOT NICE.

WHAT? WE LIVED IN A TRAILER.

YOU USED TO LOVE TO PLAY IN THE TRASH.

THAT'S WHY I CALLED YOU TRAILER‐PARK TRASH.

MAMA, THAT IS AWFUL.

THAT'S A TERM OF ENDEARMENT.

IT'S MORE LIKE A TERM OF INSULTMENT.

WELL, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SO SENSITIVE?

I SHOULDN'T BE LIVING IN THIS HOUSE.

RIGHT.

YOU REMEMBER WHEN THEM CHILDREN USED TO PICK AT YOU

ALL DAY EVERY DAY IN SCHOOL?

YES.

I TOOK CARE OF THAT, DIDN'T I?

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL TAKING CARE OF IT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DIDN'T IT MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON?

MAMA, YOU USED TO MAKE ME GET UP EARLY IN THE MORNING,

STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KITCHEN

WHILE YOU CALLED ME EVERY NAME IN THE BOOK.

[ Laughing ] RIGHT.

OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.

WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?

'CAUSE I'M THINKING ABOUT SOME OF THAT STUFF

I USED TO CALL YOU.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, I MADE SOME OF THEM UP MY OWN SELF.

[ LAUGHS ]

WELL, IT WASN'T FUNNY TO ME.

IT REALLY HURT ME.

BUT DIDN'T IT WORK?

UH, NO, IT DIDN'T.

ALL THOSE KIDS STILL CALLED ME ALL KINDS OF NAMES.

WELL, HOW DID YOU DEAL WITH IT?

I JUST LEARNED TO DEAL WITH IT.

I GOT THICK SKIN.

EXACTLY!

IF I HADN'T HAVE CALLED YOU EVERY NAME IN THE BOOK,

YOU'D HAVE STILL BEEN SENSITIVE RIGHT NOW.

AND I KNOW GOOD AND WELL THEM CHILDREN COULDN'T COME UP

AND CALL YOU NO MORE WORDS THAN I HAD ALREADY CALLED YOU.

I'M A PROFESSIONAL INSULTER.

YES, YOU ARE.

AND DON'T FORGET IT.

‐‐Captions by VITAC‐‐ www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

GIRL, WHO ARE YOU CALLING?

[ TELEPHONE DIALING ] DANNY.

I NEED TO MAKE SURE HE'S ALL RIGHT.

THAT BOY ALL RIGHT.

WELL, IT IS NOT GETTING ANY BETTER OUT THERE.

IT AIN'T NOTHING BUT A FEW RAINDROPS.

MAMA, THAT IS HAIL.

OH, HAIL WOULD GET STARTED AFTER A WHILE.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

NO ‐‐

MAMA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M FITTIN' TO GO TO WORK.

YOU CAN'T GO TO WORK IN THIS.

GIRL, PLEASE.

WE USED TO GO TO WORK IN BLIZZARDS

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

THERE ARE NO BLIZZARDS IN GEORGIA, MAMA.

YOU DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING.

WELL, I KNOW YOU NOT GOING TO WORK IN THIS WEATHER.

WELL, I'M NOT GOING ALONE.

WHO ARE YOU GOING WITH?

AND PLEASE DON'T TELL ME GOD,

'CAUSE YOU KNOW HE DON'T LIKE YOU.

WELL, I WASN'T GONNA SAY GOD. I WAS GONNA SAY YOU.

NO WAY. I'M NOT GOING OUT IN THIS.

WELL, FINE.

A‐AND NEITHER ARE YOU!

GIRL, GET OUT MY DOGGONE WAY.

[ THUNDER CRASHING, WIND HOWLING ]

SEE?

IT AIN'T NOTHING BUT A LITTLE WIND.

SHE...

[ CHUCKLES ]

SHE REALLY GONNA TRY TO MAKE IT TO THE CAR.

OHH! OHH!

WHOA!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

THAT WIND BLOWING LIKE A SON OF A BITCH OUT THERE.

[ MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY ]

I DON'T THINK I'D BETTER TRY TO GO TO WORK TODAY.

I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU, MAMA.

THAT ‐‐ THAT'S WHAT THE LADY SAID ON THE NEWS.

I THINK I SEEN TOTO AND THE TIN MAN FLY BY.

[ THUNDER RUMBLING ]

STILL NOT ANSWERING THE PHONES.

I'M SURE THEY'RE FINE.

THERE ONCE WAS A STORM BACK IN KANSAS.

IT WAS JUST LIKE THIS.

AND THE SKIES LOOKED JUST LIKE THAT, TOO.

DID YOU HAVE THE FLYING MONKEYS WHEN YOU FOUND DOROTHY?

I WISH I WAS A WITCH,

BECAUSE THEN I'D TURN YOU INTO A MAN...

...WITH BREASTS.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA STOP AT "MAN."

[ SIGHS ] WOW. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

I'D NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE.

THEN I'D TRULY BE A BREAST MAN.

YOU'RE SO DISGUSTING.

I KNOW I AM.

I'LL KEEP YOU ABREAST.

HEY ‐‐ AND WHEN YOU GET MARRIED,

I'LL BE YOUR BREAST MAN AT THE WEDDING.

Man: ...RESIDENTS ARE REPORTING HAIL DAMAGE...

OH, NO, THE WEATHERMAN JUST SAID

IT'S GONNA HAIL ON THIS SIDE OF TOWN.

THAT'S IT.

WELL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING TO MY MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER'S.

I GOT TO CHECK ON THEM.

THEY DON'T NEED YOU, DANNY.

YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S MORE OF A MAN THAN YOU'LL EVER BE.

I HAVE TO GO OVER THERE.

YOU CAN'T GO OUT IN THIS!

THAT'S RIGHT!

AND I'M NOT LETTING YOU.

SAM, WE'RE OUT OF FOOD.

YOU SHOULD GO.

OH, DANNY! HOLD ME IN YOUR BOSOM.

I'M SO SCARED.

UH, WE'RE GOING TO MY GRANDMA'S.

YOU COMING?

UH, "WE"?

YES.

WELL, ARE YOU SURE IT'S SAFE TO GO OUT THERE?

IT'LL BE FINE.

CAN YOU DO THAT AGAIN?

IT'LL BE FINE. [ CHUCKLES ]

I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TAKE CHARGE.

SO SEXY.

YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH A BANG?

SURE, DREW.

I WAS TALKING TO DANNY, YOU BIG BOOB!

I WI‐‐ I WISH I WAS A BIG BOOB!

THAT'S LIKE ME SAYING,

"OH, STOP IT, YOU GORGEOUS, INTELLIGENT WOMAN!

"WHY DON'T YOU ‐‐ WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT AND GET AN EDUCATION

"AND ‐‐ AND $1,000 IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT?!

TAKE THAT!"

WE BETTER GET GOING BEFORE IT GETS WORSE.

I'VE NEVER SEEN IT LIKE THIS.

WHERE Y'ALL GOING?

MY GRANDMOTHER NEEDS ME.

BOY, YOUR GRANDMA IS MORE OF A MAN THAN YOU'LL EVER BE.

YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S TOO DANGEROUS OUT THERE.

WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.

THE WEATHERMAN SAID WE'RE IN ITS DIRECT PATH.

NO, NO, NO, NO, YOUR GRANDMOTHER AND MOTHER ‐‐

NOW, THEY'RE IN THE DIRECT PATH.

NO, THEY'RE NOT.

YES, THEY ARE.

YOUR GRANDMA IS IN THE DIRECT PATH OF UGLY.

Y'ALL ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

BUT THEIR PHONES AREN'T WORKING.

THAT'S BECAUSE THE PHONE LINES ARE DOWN.

UNCLE FLOYD, THAT IS MY MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER ‐‐

YOUR RELATIVES.

YEAH ‐‐

I'M GONNA MISS THEM.

STOP PLAYING AND GET OUT OF MY WAY.

NO, BOY! GO ON, NOW!

THAT'S MY FAMILY!

LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?

IT'S LIKE YOU GONNA PULL THE CAR OUT OF THE GARAGE,

AND GONNA GET HAIL DAMAGE,

AND IT'S GONNA LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR GRANDMA'S LEGS.

WOW ‐‐ YOU GETTING

A LITTLE TOO PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS, AIN'T YOU?

I AM.

[ GIGGLES ]

YOU GOT TO PEE?

NOW, MOVE!

NO, NO, NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

FINE. FINE. GO.

BUT THERE'S NO WAY I'M GONNA LEAVE THIS BUILDING.

I'LL GIVE YOU $20 TO TAKE YOUR TRUCK.

DEAL.

NOW COME ON.

AH ‐‐ LOOK, REALLY.

I‐I CAN'T LET YOU DO IT.

THEN GIVE ME BACK MY $20!

ALL RIGHT ‐‐ BUT, LOOK, SERIOUSLY...

THERE'S NO WAY I CAN LET YOU LEAVE THIS BUILDING NOW.

AND THERE'S NOTHING THAT'S GONNA MAKE ME LEAVE.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

[ GASPS ] OHH!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

EXCEPT THAT. ALL RIGHT. GOT TO GO.

COME ON. COME ON, Y'ALL.

OKAY.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

LINDA...

WHERE ARE MY CANDLES?

FOR WHAT?

IN CASE THE LIGHTS GO OUT.

OH, WELL, I DON'T ‐‐ I DON'T KNOW.

LINDA.

HAVE YOU USED MY EMERGENCY CANDLES?

NO.

THEN WHERE ARE THEY?

OH, WAIT, YOU ‐‐ YOU MEAN THE ONES IN THE CABINET?

THAT IN THE ‐‐ THEY WERE IN THE CABINET?

YEAH, THOSE. WHERE ARE THEY?

NEXT TO THE BATTERIES AND THE FLASHLIGHTS

AND THE TRANSISTOR RADIO?

YEAH.

THOSE?

YEAH, WHERE ARE THEY?!

OH, YEAH, I USED THEM.

AND WHY DID YOU USE MY CANDLES?!

MAMA, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THEY WERE FOR EMERGENCIES?

THE BATTERIES, THE FLASHLIGHT, AND THE RADIO, YOU DUMBASS!

WHY DID YOU USE MY EMERGENCY CANDLES?!

I DIDN'T KNOW.

MAMA, THEY'VE BEEN UP THERE FOREVER!

WAITING FOR AN EMERGENCY, YOU DUMBASS!

[ THUNDER RUMBLES ]

OH! LIKE YOUR ASS BEEN HERE FOREVER?

AND WHAT DID YOU USE THEM FOR?

[ MUMBLES ]

P‐P‐P‐PARDON?

I TOOK A BUBBLE BATH.

A BUBBLE BATH?!

I TOOK A BUBBLE BATH, MAMA.

GIRL, NOW I DON'T HAVE ANY CANDLES!

MAMA, WHAT DO YOU NEED CANDLES FOR?

THE LIGHTS ARE ON.

DAMN!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

I'M SORRY.

[ POUNDING ON DOOR ]

OH, LOOK, MAMA.

NOW YOU DON'T NEED YOUR CANDLES.

WHO COULD THAT BE?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT YOU OPEN THAT DOOR.

I GOT SOMETHING FOR THEM.

WHO IS IT?

Danny: IT'S ME ‐‐ DANNY!

DANNY? Floyd: YEAH, OPEN THE DOOR!

Drew: LET US IN!

OH, GOD!

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

WHAT ARE Y'ALL DOING HERE? WHY ARE YOU OUT IN THE STORM?

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU!

YOU ARE A DAMN LIAR.

YOU SCARED OF THE DARK.

NO, I'M NOT!

ARE YOU, DANNY?!

YES!

NO!

YOU LET A BIG BOLT OF LIGHTING COME THROUGH HERE.

TURN THEM LIGHTS OUT, HE GONNA PEE HIS PANTS.

TRYING TO GET BACK TO HIS MAMA.

YOU DRAGGED US OUT OF THE SAFETY OF YOUR OWN APARTMENT

SO THAT YOU COULD BE HERE WITH YOUR MAMMY?!

YOU REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT YOU BEING SEXY?

I TAKE IT BACK!

OH, THAT IS JUST CRUEL.

NO, WHAT'S CRUEL IS SEEING HATTIE IN THE DARK.

YOU GO TO HELL, FLOYD.

IF I HAD A DOLLAR FOR EVERY TIME YOU SAID THAT, I'D BE RICH.

FLOYD WILL MAKE A SAINT CURSE.

YOU GO TO HELL, FLOYD!

OH, SHUT UP, FLOYD! Y'ALL JUST A BUNCH OF WEAK ASSES.

OH, SHUT UP, FLOYD!

OH, YOU SHUT THE HELL UP, FLOYD!

DAMN, FLOYD!

DAMN!

SHUT THE HELL UP, FLOYD!

FIRST YOU GOT TO ‐‐ SHUT THE HELL UP, FLOYD!

GET ON MY DAMN NERVES.

WELL, I DON'T BOTHER YOU, MAMA.

THE HELL YOU PREACH!

MAMA?!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?!

MAMA!

Hattie Mae: LINDA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

CALLING THE "I," THE "R," AND THE "S."

MY MARRIAGE IS OVER, MAMA. HAVE SOME SYMPATHY.

CRY ME A RIVER.

MY BABY COULD BE HURT...

...OUT THERE IN THE STREET!

WHY THE HELL YOU GOT TO BE SO DAMN DRAMATIC?!

MAMA, I SAID THAT'S ENOUGH!

WOW!

THIS FAMILY IS PRETTY SCREWED‐UP.

OH, DON'T TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY

WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S REALLY SCREWED UP.

[ CHUCKLES ] ME?

[ PANTING ]

THIS LITTLE MOVE I DO WITH MY HIPS.

[ Imitating old man ] WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT YOU GET

WHEN YOU SPEND ALL THAT TIME WITH YOUR MA AND GRANDMA.

UH, CONFUCIUS SAY...

HMM...

ROAR!

[ HIP‐HOP MUSIC PLAYS ] YEAH! UH!

SAM, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!

WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! THE MUSIC'S TOO LOUD!

LAUGH IT UP. AAH!

OKAY, OKAY, NOW GO BACK TO YOUR GRANDMA.

I turn myself on.

I FEEL SO VIOLATED!

AND NAKED!

[ MUFFLED SHOUTING ] CAN'T HEAR YOU.

WHAT WAS ON YOUR HAND?!

HAIR GEL?

STOP IT, YOU TWO.

I'D LIKE TO START THOSE TWO.

AH‐ROOGAH!

AH‐ROOGAH!

[ IMITATES ROBOTIC NOISES ]

WELL, I SURE AM GLAD I DON'T HAVE ALL THAT DRAMA.

OH, POOR LITTLE DREW.

UH, BUT YOU DO.

I WANT TO HAVE YOUR GRANDBABIES.

I LIKE HER SO MUCH I WANT HER DEAD.

I KEPT SCREAMING, "NO, NO,

TAKE ME TO DINNER FIRST!" OKAY.

AND I'M $3.99!

ERICA, THAT'S NOT NICE.

WATCH IT, YOU LITTLE SNOT!

IT'S 'CAUSE SHE'S ‐‐ SHE'S ‐‐

SHE'S SO...NICE.

WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST!

THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!

Danny: DREW!

OH. HI.

UH, I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE GONE.

WOW!

UM, YOU KNOW, GUYS, I'M SORRY, BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD GO.

[ LAUGHS ]

YEAH, I REMEMBER WE WENT OVER THERE,

AND SHE COME OUT WITH HER BUTT ALL BIG AND EVERYTHING,

LIKE SHE HAD BEEN TO INFLATE‐A‐FLAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Hattie Mae: HEY, HEY!

WE HAVE HAD SOME GREAT TIMES.

YES, WE HAVE. YEAH.

Y'ALL REMEMBER THAT TIME I SLEPT WITH SAM?

[ LAUGHS ]

I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER THAT!

IT'S OKAY.

HE JUST EMBARRASSED.

HE TRIED, BUT HE COULDN'T KEEP UP WITH THESE OLD MOVES.

I TOLD YOU NOT TO DRINK THAT WHITE LIGHTNING, MAN!

I KNOW, FLOYD!

I KNOW! AND I'LL NEVER DRINK IT AGAIN!

I NEVER WANT TO SEE A PARTY OR A BOTTLE OR YOU AGAIN!

DO WE HAVE TO RECALL ALL OF THAT?

HEY, YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN SHE PUT LINDA OUT?

LISTEN, THIS IS MY LIFE, AND I APPRECIATE Y'ALL,

BUT I THINK I'M GOING BACK TO LIONEL.

NO! I DIDN'T RAISE NO FOOL FOR A DAUGHTER!

YOU AIN'T GOT TO GO HOME,

BUT YOU GOT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

FINE, MAMA.

[ SIGHS ] BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I KNOW?

AS BAD AS THINGS HAVE GOTTEN

AND NO MATTER WHAT STORM WE GO THROUGH,

WE ALWAYS HAVE EACH OTHER.

ALMOST.

YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR TONE BEFORE YOU LOSE YOUR TONGUE!

I WANT TO MOVE BACK IN WITH YOU.

GO LAY DOWN!

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH.

All: SURPRISE!

[ ALL SCREAM ]

[ SCREAMS ]

NO!

SHE WOULD DRIVE A BAT CRAZY!

AND IT'S GONNA MATCH YOUR BODY BAG.

GRANDMA, DID YOU FIND MY MOTHER?

I WASN'T LOOKING FOR HER.

I WAS UP TO CODE.

AND IT'S ABOUT TO BE A CODE BLUE

IF YOU DON'T GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

MAMA, YOU DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT?

THIS HERE IS MY PLACE OF BUSINESS!

YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN ME, EITHER?

NOPE.

HEY, GUYS. [ GASPS ]

MAMA!

THIS HERE IS A DESPERATE SITUATION.

YOU'S A HO, LINDA. YOU JUST A HO.

DO I LOOK LIKE I'M IN THE MOOD FOR KUMBAYAS?!

ENEMA, ENEMA, ENEMA, ENEMA!

ENEMA!

I DID NO SUCH THING!

YOU KNOW WHAT, HATTIE,

I'M SO LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING

WHAT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE US UP TO NEXT.

[ LAUGHS ] YEAH, BUT WHATEVER IT IS,

IT'S GONNA BE GOOD.

SO STAY TUNED.

DON'T GO NOWHERE.

Floyd: 'CAUSE WHY? WE'LL BE...

All: RIGHT BACK.

TAPED BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

SHE SOUND LIKE SHE'S SICK.