Original subtitles

HEY! I WAS WAITING FOR YOU GUYS.

HEY, DREW. [ SIGHS ]

THAT THING WAS SO SAD.

WELL, WHAT WAS SAD?

WE JUST CAME FROM MY UNCLE'S FUNERAL.

I'M SCARED.

IT WAS BAD?

YEAH.

I THOUGHT IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

THERE WAS PEOPLE RUNNING UP AND DOWN THE AISLES SCREAMING!

THEY WERE TRYING TO GRAB THE CORPSE OUT OF THE CASKET!

THEY DO THAT AT ALL BLACK "FUNES"!

WHAT?

THEY DO THAT AT ALL BLACK "FUNES"!

FUNERALS.

OHHHH.

THAT'S WHAT I SAID ‐‐ "FUNES."

WELL, WHO WAS THAT WOMAN?

HIS WIFE.

WELL, WHO WERE ALL THE OTHER WOMEN THAT WERE FIGHTING?

HIS OTHER WIVES.

YEAH, HE WAS A MAN... WITH A LOT OF WIVES.

AND A WHOLE LOT OF WOMEN.

WELL, GRANDMA,

I THOUGHT THE SPEECH YOU GAVE ABOUT HIM WAS GOOD.

YEAH, MISS HATTIE, IT WAS REAL HEARTFELT.

I WAS LYING THROUGH MY DAMN TEETH.

MAMA, IN CHURCH?

YEAH! THE BIBLE SAID, "IF YOU CAN'T SAY NOTHING GOOD,

DON'T SAY NOTHING AT ALL."

MAMA, THE BIBLE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

WAIT ‐‐ SO ALL OF THOSE THINGS YOU WERE SAYING WEREN'T TRUE?

NOPE.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT ALL OF THOSE THINGS

ABOUT HIM BEING A GREAT FRIEND?

HE WAS A BASTARD!

WHAT ABOUT ALL THE THINGS ABOUT HIM BEING A GREAT FATHER?

HE DIDN'T KNOW OVER HALF OF HIS KIDS.

AND BEING A GREAT PROVIDER?

NOT IN LIFE OR DEATH.

HE DIDN'T LEAVE THEM A DIME.

HE DIDN'T DO NOTHING BUT PARTY AND DRINK HIS MONEY AWAY.

HE DIDN'T HAVE NO FRIEND TO PAY FOR THE "FUNE."

FUNERAL!

IS THAT WHY THE CASKET WAS MADE OUT OF CARDBOARD?

YES, AND ME AND HATTIE HAD TO GET IT

OUT OF A DUMPSTER AT A CONVENIENCE STORE.

OH, BY THE WAY, IF YOU SEE A LADY FROM THE CONVENIENCE STORE

HANGING OUT AROUND Y'ALL'S APARTMENT,

SHE GONNA BE LOOKING FOR THAT BOX.

BUT I TOLD HER SHE COULD SLEEP WITH EITHER ONE OF Y'ALL.

I'M FINE WITH THAT.

SAM, IF YOU DON'T STOP, THAT'S HOW YOU'RE GONNA END UP.

WHAT? NO, IT'S NOT.

YES, IT IS.

HE WAS OLD.

HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS 'CAUSE HE WAS INCONSIDERATE.

HE DIDN'T THINK ABOUT ANYBODY BUT HIMSELF,

AND HE WAS AN EGOTISTICAL WOMANIZER.

YEAH.

WAIT ‐‐ IS THAT WHAT YOU GUYS THINK OF ME?

THAT'S NOT WHAT WE THINK.

THAT'S WHAT WE KNOW. [ CHUCKLES ]

WOW.

I'M HURT!

[ SCOFFS ] WHATEVER.

COME ON. LET'S EAT.

I'M REALLY HURT BY THAT COMMENT.

‐‐Captions by VITAC‐‐ www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS

THAT FUNERAL WAS SO SAD.

[ SIGHS ] YEAH.

I MEAN, TO LIVE YOU LIFE WITH NO ONE,

TO ALWAYS THINK ABOUT YOURSELF

AND NEVER BEING CONSIDERATE...

YEAH. I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS THAT BAD.

[ SIGHS ] YEAH.

AND NOT ONE PERSON TOLD THE TRUTH ABOUT HIM

OR SAID SOMETHING NICE AT HIS FUNERAL.

THAT'S REALLY SAD.

I KNOW.

REMINDS ME OF SAM.

SPEAKING OF SAM, WHERE IS HE?

I DON'T KNOW.

HE LEFT OUT OF THE APARTMENT REALLY EARLY THIS MORNING.

AND THIS WEEKEND?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, DID HE PARTY?

NO. NO PARTIES.

REALLY?

YES.

HE EVEN CLEANED THE APARTMENT AND WASHED MY CLOTHES.

THAT'S JUST NASTY.

♪♪ LA, LA‐LA, LA, LA, LA‐LA ♪♪

♪♪ LA, I LOVE SPRING, SUNSHINE, AND CHILDREN ♪♪

♪♪ IT'S ALL THE SAME TO ME ♪♪

HEY, UH... [ CHUCKLES ] YOU'RE HERE EARLY.

YEAH.

WHY?

I WANTED TO GET SOME WORK DONE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

NO, REALLY, BUDDY, WHY?

MARIANNA GAVE US A PROJECT TO DO,

AND I KNOW SHE'S EXPECTING TO GET IT DONE.

[ High‐pitched ] SO I CAME IN EARLY TO GET IT DONE,

AND IT'S DONE.

YOU ARE DEFINITELY UP TO SOMETHING.

[ Normal voice ] NO, I'M NOT.

WAIT. Y‐YOU DID THE PROJECT ALREADY?

YEAH.

OH, THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.

WHY?

DANNY IS RIGHT.

PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T SEND THE WEB DESIGN TO THE CLIENT.

[ GASPS ] YES, I DID. [ CHUCKLES ]

OH, NO. NOW ‐‐ NOW WE'RE ALL GONNA GET FIRED.

WHY?

YOU REMEMBER THE LAST WEBSITE YOU DESIGNED FOR THE PRESCHOOL?

THE ONE WITH THE STRIPPER POLE.

YEAH.

[ SIGHS ]

WELL, THIS ONE WAS FOR A RETIREMENT HOME.

THAT'S WHY WE ALL SHOULD'VE DID IT TOGETHER.

SAM, HOW COULD YOU?

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE NEEDS TO RELAX.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU GUYS ARE MY FRIENDS.

IT'S...ALL GOOD.

FRIENDS?

DID ‐‐ DID ‐‐ DID HE JUST SAY ‐‐

YES.

OH.

HE'S DEFINITELY NOT FEELING WELL.

SAM, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH. I'M FINE.

ARE YOU SURE? YEAH.

SAM, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!

COME BACK, BUDDY! COME BACK!

[ GIGGLES ] WELL, THAT WAS A WEIRD HUG.

AND, DREW, NOT ONLY ARE YOU SUPER‐STRONG,

BUT YOU LOOK SO LOVELY TODAY!

[ CHUCKLES ] THANKS. SAM?

[ Chuckling ] OH. HERE, I GOT YOU A COFFEE.

IS IT SAFE TO DRINK?

[ GIGGLES ]

WOULD YOU STOP IT?

I'M MISSING SOMETHING.

ME, TOO.

WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?

NOTHING! [ CHUCKLES ]

YOU KNOW, I WATCHED A MOVIE

WHERE THIS KIND OF THING HAPPENED ONCE.

ALL OF THE PEOPLE WERE ASLEEP, AND WHEN THEY WOKE UP,

THEIR BODIES WERE TAKEN OVER BY ALIENS.

THIS IS CRAZY.

YEAH. HE'S CRAZY.

DO YOU HEAR THAT DERANGED LAUGH?

[ LAUGHS MANICALLY ]

[ SIGHS ] MAN.

AND I'M REALLY AFRAID TO SEE

WHAT HE DID WITH THIS WEB DESIGN.

[ BOTH SIGH ]

AND HE SENT IT TO THE CLIENT ALREADY.

IS HE STRAIGHTENING UP MY DESK?

JUST TRYING TO MAKE IT SUPER.

WELL, WE HAVE TO LOOK AT IT AT SOME POINT.

SAM?

[ High‐pitched ] YEAH, BUDDY?

BUDDY?

MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHO‐O‐LE WORLD.

OH. THANKS.

DANNY, DON'T FALL FOR IT ‐‐ HE'S POSSESSED.

POSSESSED BY LOVE.

[ SIGHS ] YOU'RE RIGHT.

SAM.

WE WANT TO SEE THAT WEBPAGE RIGHT DAMN NOW!

[ Normal voice ] OHH.

[ Chuckling ] OOH.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S BEEN HANGING OUT

WITH THEIR GRANDMOTHER WAY TOO MUCH!

LET ME SEE IT.

WELL, HERE IT...DARN IS.

MOVE IT.

[ SOOTHING, ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

OH.

O‐OH. [ CHUCKLES ]

WOW.

OH, MY.

SAM, T‐THIS IS PERFECT.

AND NOBODY'S TOPLESS.

AND THERE ARE NO STRIPPER POLES.

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

IS THAT A NUN?

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

FLOWERS, RAINBOWS, AND BIRDS! OH, MY!

DON'T FORGET THE UNICORN.

HIS NAME IS SMILES.

IT LOOKS...

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

YEAH, SAM, IT'S...WOW.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WELL...

CLICK HERE. [ CLICKS MOUSE ]

[ ANGELIC CHOIR HUMMING ]

[ Chuckling ] OH, MY. T‐THIS IS REALLY GREAT.

[ GIGGLES ]

YEAH, I KNOW.

WOW.

IT'S SO GREAT I'M EVEN TAKING MY GRANDMOTHER THERE.

IS THIS THE SAME GRANDMOTHER

THAT YOU THREW IN FRONT OF THE TRAIN?

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH. [ CHUCKLES ]

I CALLED HER THIS MORNING TO APOLOGIZE.

SHE UNDERSTOOD.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SPEND ALL WEEKEND WITH HER.

OH. [ GIGGLES ]

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'M BAKING COOKIES IN THE BREAK ROOM.

[ GIGGLES ]

OH. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OH, THEY'RE, UH, WHITE‐CHOCOLATE‐CHIP.

I see strange people.

DANNY, I'M SCARED.

ME, TOO.

WHAT IS UP WITH HIM?

I DON'T KNOW BUT I'M GONNA FIND OUT.

Let's go.

NOT NOW. I‐I DON'T WANT NO COOKIES.

CHOCOLATE WITH A WHITE CHIP.

FLOYD. SATAN.

WHY YOU AIN'T NOT CLEANED THAT GRILL?

BECAUSE IT'S HOT!

I KNOW THAT.

WELL, DO YOU EXPECT ME TO GET THIRD‐DEGREE BURNS?

YOU GONNA GET A THIRD‐DEGREE ASS WHOOPING

IF THAT HEALTH INSPECTOR COME IN HERE

AND THAT GRILL AIN'T CLEAN.

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY THAT WITH THAT OLD CRUSTY FOOT.

I HATE YOU.

I HATE YOU, TOO.

YOU WANT SOME COFFEE?

YEAH, I'LL GET IT FOR YOU, BABY.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU GO AHEAD AND TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS.

OH. [ CHUCKLES ] THANK YOU, BOO.

WHEN WILL THOSE TWO EVER STOP EVER STOP GOING AT EACH OTHER?

WILL WATER EVER STOP BEING WET?

THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT.

HERE, BABY. HERE'S YOUR CHECK.

THANKS.

NO. I'LL PAY IT THIS TIME.

WHAT?! WHY?

RIGHT?

YEAH, WELL, YOU GUYS ARE ALWAYS COVERING ME,

SO I'LL PAY IT.

AND HERE IS A LITTLE TIP FOR MISS LINDA.

WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?

NOTHING. I'M FINE.

DON'T TRUST THAT.

I DON'T.

HE'S ACTING WEIRD FOR SOME REASON.

Aliens!

BUT WE JUST CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

SAM, YOU LOOK NICE!

LOOK AT THAT. THAT'S SO NICE RIGHT THERE.

[ GIGGLES ] THANK YOU, MISS HATTIE.

YOU LOOK LOVELY.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

DID YOU DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT WITH YOUR HAIR?

YEAH, MISS PEARL GIVE ME PRESS CURL EVERY TWO WEEK.

[ LAUGHS ] WHAT?

MISS PEARL GIVES ME PRESS CURL EVERY TWO WEEK.

[ LAUGHS ] SHE IS CUTE AS A BUTTON!

WHAT SHE SAID IS THAT

MISS PEARL GIVES HER A PRESS AND CURL EVERY TWO WEEKS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

MISS PEARL MISSED THE MARK THIS WEEK.

YOUR PRESS AND CURL LOOK MORE LIKE A PUSH AND PULL.

BUT I CAN TELL FROM LOOKING AT THE WAY YOUR UNIFORM LAYING

YOU MUST HAVE SHAVED YOUR BACK THIS WEEK.

BE CAREFUL, FLOYD.

I STILL GOT MY RAZOR.

AND, UH, FLOYD.

HERE IS THE RENT CHECK.

WHAT?

I MEAN, IT'S NOT DUE TILL NEXT THURSDAY.

HA. YEAH. I KNOW.

WAIT ‐‐ I DIDN'T EVEN GET YOU MY HALF.

OH, JUST GET IT BACK TO ME WHENEVER YOU CAN.

WOW!

HEAVEN HAS LANDED.

[ SIGHS ]

HMM? I'M SORRY.

YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT?

I WASN'T PAYING [Chuckling] ATTENTION.

WHAT THE WHAT?

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO, UH ‐‐

BE RIGHT BACK. [ CHUCKLES ]

I'VE GOT TO, UH, TINKLE.

TINKLE WINKLE.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIM?

I DON'T KNOW. HE'S...NICE.

WELL, HOW LONG THIS BEEN GOING ON?

ALL WEEK.

OH, HE ON THAT STUFF.

NO, HE'S NOT. IS HE?

HE GAVE ME A FLOWER.

IT WAS SO SWEET.

HE GAVE ME ONE, TOO!

AND IT WASN'T POISON IVY.

AND YOU SAY THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR A WHILE?

YES.

OH, HE DYING.

HEY. DON'T SAY THAT!

[ Mockingly ] WELL, DON'T GET SO UPSET, NEPHEW.

I'M JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HIM.

FLOYD'S RIGHT.

GRANDMA, THAT'S MY BEST FRIEND.

THEY DIDN'T MEAN IT, BABY.

THEN WHY DID THEY SAY THAT?

DEATH SCARES PEOPLE.

DO YOU GUYS REALLY THINK HE'S DYING?

NO.

IT'S THAT "FUNE."

IT'S THAT WHAT?

IT'S THAT "FUNE."

FUNERAL.

OH.

THAT WHAT I SAID.

YOU SEE, THIS HERE HAPPENED TO ONE OF MY HUSBANDS.

W‐W‐WHEN SOMEBODY DIE,

AND THEY REMIND YOU OF YOURSELF,

IT MAKES YOU LOOK AT LIFE DIFFERENTLY.

COUSIN BERON WASN'T NOTHING LIKE THAT.

THE HELL YOU PREACH.

WELL, HOW?

THEY DRANK EVERY NIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY DRANK THEMSELVES NOW ABOUT TO DEATH.

MM. YEP.

HAD SEX...

HAD A WHOLE LOT OF HOT BUTT‐NAKED SEX.

MM. [ Chuckling ] YEAH.

OH, GOD DAMN. WHOLE LOT OF...

MAMA! UNCLE FLOYD! WHOO! HMM?

DREW?

I'M SORRY.

AND THEY ‐‐ AND THEY WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN ‐‐

ON, ON, ON, BACK‐TO‐BACK‐TO‐BACK CHILDREN ON TOP OF CHILDREN,

AND ‐‐ AND...

AND THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT NOBODY BUT THEIR OWN SELF.

THEN YOU WANT TO MARRY THE FIRST THING THAT SAY, "I LOVE YOU."

MAMA.

THEY DON'T WORRY ABOUT SAYING NOTHING ABOUT

YOU GOT ANOTHER WIFE IN BACK OF TOWN.

MAMA. C‐C‐COME. MAMA!

AND THEN I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT THAT TIME WHEN ‐‐

COME BACK! COME BACK! COME BACK!

[ SNAPS FINGERS ]

I WAS TALKING ABOUT MY OWN SELF, ANYWAY.

DANG, MISS HATTIE. YOU'RE A LITTLE FREAK.

DID YOU REALLY DO ALL OF THOSE NASTY THINGS?

DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!

MAYBE GRANDMA HAS GOT A POINT.

I DO HAVE A POINT!

IT AIN'T NOTHING BUT HE THINKING ABOUT HIS MORTALITY.

YOU KNOW, IT DON'T HAPPEN THAT OFTEN.

BUT IT DID HIM.

MAYBE I SHOULD ENJOY THIS.

YEAH, YOU NEED TO, 'CAUSE IT WON'T LAST LONG.

[ VOCALIZING ]

WHO DUSTS LEATHER?

HA‐HA. I DO. [ SIGHS ]

WOW.

THIS PLACE LOOKS GREAT.

DANNY!

YEAH, SAM?

[ CHUCKLES ] OH, HEY, MAN!

I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

WHOA. [ GIGGLES ]

YOU JUST SAW ME AT WORK!

OH! I KNOW! [ CHUCKLES ]

BUT I MISSED YOU! [ CHUCKLES ]

[ SIGHS ] OH.

HEY, MAN, BEFORE I FORGET, CAN WE CARPOOL TOMORROW?

CARPOOL?

YEAH!

REALLY?

YEAH. WHY DO YOU LOOK SO SURPRISED?

WHEN I ASKED YOU ABOUT IT BEFORE, YOU SAID,

"TO HELL WITH THE OZONE LAYER!

"LET'S ALLOW THOSE TREE HUGGERS

TO FILL UP THAT HOLE ON THEIR OWN!"

BUT I LEARNED MY LESSON!

OKAY. [ CHUCKLES ]

THE APARTMENT LOOKS GREAT.

[ CHUCKLES ] BLESS YOUR FACE.

AND I BAKED COOKIES!

WHOO!

[ SIGHS ]

OKAY.

YEAH. UH, UH, YOU WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE?

OKAY, SAM. W‐WE NEED TO TALK.

[ PATS CUSHION ] I'M ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU, BUDDY.

YOU ARE JUST KILLING ME.

WELL, WHAT IS IT? WHAT ‐‐ WHAT'S KILLING YOU?

WHY ARE YOU BEING SO NICE?!

[ High‐pitched ] WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

STOP IT! THAT'S ANNOYING!

OH.

[ Singsong voice ] I'M SENSING AN EMOTIONAL CENTER.

IF WE DON'T ADDRESS THE ISSUE, IT COULD KABOOM.

[ Normal voice ] SO WHAT IS IT

THAT YOU THINK IS ANNOYING YOU?

SAM, WHEN WE WERE AT MY UNCLE'S FUNERAL, DID IT AFFECT YOU?

YES.

AT THE FUNERAL, I REALIZED THAT...

WHEN I DIE,

I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO HAVE TO MAKE STUFF UP ABOUT ME.

I WANT THEM TO TELL THE TRUTH.

SAM, THAT'S GREAT.

YEAH.

I'M TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF! HA‐HA! COOKIE?

NO, IT WAS MORE LIKE A FEATHERED BOA.

NOW, SAM, I THINK WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE FEELING.

[ LAUGHS ]

I LOVE TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS!

I WANT THE OLD SAM BACK!

DANNY. COME ON.

Danny: NO!

THIS IS TOO...

TOO...

TOO PRECIOUS AND SWEET AND ADORABLE?

YES, BUT I WANT THE WILD MAN!

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T LIKE THAT SAM?

NO. I‐I DO!

YOU DO?

YES!

I JUST ‐‐ [SIGHS] I WANT YOU TO BE YOU.

I KNOW YOU LIKE TO PARTY AND HANG OUT.

BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO BE A LITTLE MORE CONSIDERATE

AND NOT SO SELFISH.

I JUST WANT YOU TO BE AWARE OF

WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND SAYING.

WELL, I GET THAT.

SO...CAN THE OLD SAM COME BACK?

YEAH.

TO HELL WITH THIS CRAP!

WAIT?

SO THAT... [ GRUNTS ]

SO ALL THIS WAS JUST AN ACT?

ACADEMY AWARD, BABY!

SAM IS BACK.

AAH!

COME ON IN, TISHA AND MISHA.

IN A FEW SECONDS...

I'M GONNA KISS YA.

LADIES.

ACT LIKE BAIT AND FOLLOW THE ROD.

[ LAUGHS ]

GUESS I GOT THE OLD SAM BACK.