Original subtitles

[ CHUCKLES ]

OH, I HAD A GREAT TIME.

ME TOO.

YOU'RE A LOT OF FUN.

AND SO ARE YOU. MAN, I HAD A BALL.

THANKS.

HEY, SO, I GOT THIS EVENT TO DO ON FRIDAY ‐‐ BLACK TIE.

LIKE TO KNOW IF YOU'D LIKE TO GO WITH ME.

WOW.

I HAVEN'T BEEN TO A BLACK‐TIE EVENT IN YEARS.

IT'S THE MAYOR'S BALL.

OH, I'D LOVE TO GO.

THAT SOUNDS SO EXCITING.

GOOD, GOOD.

[ SIGHS ] YOU ARE JUST SO BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU.

AH. WHOA, WHOA.

LOOK LIKE IT'S PAST YOUR BEDTIME.

MAMA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE CLOSET?

SEEING HOW YOUR BROTHER FELT FOR YEARS.

MAMA, I'M GROWN.

YOU AIN'T GROWN TILL YOU GET A MORTGAGE.

MARTY, YOU REMEMBER MY MOTHER.

HOW COULD I FORGET?

HOW YOU DOING, MISS HATTIE?

"HI" HELL.

BRINGING MY DAUGHTER IN AT 0‐DARK‐30.

IT'S ONLY 9:15.

LOOK, IF YOU WANT TO DATE MY DAUGHTER,

YOU GOT TO DO LIKE WE DID BACK IN THE DAY.

I'M FROM THE OLD SCHOOL, BABY.

GRAB A CLUB, HIT THE WOMAN OVER THE HEAD,

AND DRAG HER IN THE CAVE WITH YOU?

IT'S CALLED "CONCUSSION LOVE."

SO...

OH!

MAMA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M THE MAN INSPECTOR.

I'M CHECKING HIM OUT.

I'M SIZING HIM UP.

AND LOOKS LIKE TO ME YOU'RE NOT UP TO PAR.

SO...

I'M SHUTTING HIM DOWN,

AND YOUR LEGS ARE CLOSED FOR BUSINESS.

OHH!

MAMA!

GOOD NIGHT, ARTIE.

IT'S ACTUALLY MARTY!

WELL, PICK WHICHEVER ONE YOU WANT TO PICK.

DON'T MAKE ME NO DIFFERENT.

BUT KICK BRICKS WITH AN OPEN‐TOE SANDAL.

MAMA!

SHUT THE HELL UP! AAH!

‐‐Captions by VITAC‐‐ www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS

HERE YOU GO, NEPHEW.

THANKS.

OH, YOU'RE MOPPING!

THAT'S WHAT I DID ALL NIGHT LAST NIGHT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HEY, YOU WANT TO KNOW

WHAT SAM DID ALL NIGHT LAST NIGHT?

IF THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH SAM'S BODILY FLUIDS,

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

HE MADE A WATER SLIDE IN THE LIVING ROOM.

HE PUT DOWN SOME DISHWASHING LIQUID

AND SOME TRASH BAGS

AND WAS SLIDING WOMEN ALL AROUND THE ROOM.

STOP SMILING.

I MEAN, COME ON. HE'S YOUNG.

HE'S JUST HAVING A LITTLE FUN, AND YOU SHOULD, TOO.

I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GUY.

CAN'T DO THAT.

MATTER OF FACT, UH,

IS THERE NOTHING THAT YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR...UNCLE FLOYD?

THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL.

YOU SURE?

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

DOES THIS MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

[ VOCALIZES DANCE MUSIC ]

I'M NOT GAY.

BUT IF I WAS,

I WOULDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT, SO STOP IT.

I'M JUST NOT THE KIND OF GUY THAT'S A WOMANIZER.

SO, WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT SAM?

[ SIGHS ] FINALLY.

YOU'RE THE SUPER. YOU CAN SHUT THIS DOWN.

WELL, WHAT TIME IS THE PARTY?

8:00 TONIGHT.

YOU ‐‐ YOU GONNA PUT A STOP TO IT?

NO, I'M GONNA COME WATCH.

DON'T BE TOUCHING ME.

DRIVE YOUR OWN CAR IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY DRIVING.

WELL, WHAT DID SHE DO NOW?

CUSSING PEOPLE OUT THE WHOLE WAY HERE.

INCLUDING ME.

AND ALL I WAS TRYING TO TELL HER WAS

SHE WAS ABOUT TO GO THE WRONG WAY ON 285.

I AIN'T GOT THE TIME FOR THEM FOOLS.

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS IN MY DAMN WAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU GONNA HAVE TO SEE SOMEBODY ABOUT THAT ROAD RAGE.

AND YOU GONNA HAVE TO SEE SOMEBODY ABOUT THAT RASH.

SHH! IT'S CLEARING UP.

I DON'T WANT THIS BREAKFAST ANYMORE.

SHE NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT RAGE, PERIOD.

YOU'RE ALWAYS SO MEAN.

I'M THE NICEST PERSON I KNOW.

THAT MEANS YOU DON'T KNOW NO‐DAMN‐BODY.

I AM.

I'M THE NICEST OLD LADY YOU EVER WANT TO MEET.

THAT'S RIGHT, GRANDMA. HEY.

[ SMOOCHES ] NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THIS.

SHUT THE HELL UP.

DON'T YOU SEE ME TALKING?

SORRY.

YOU THINK THAT'S BAD?

SHE KICKED MY DATE OUT LAST NIGHT.

I SURE DID.

MARTY.

MARTY THE HEALTH INSPECTOR? OH, NO. NO WAY.

MNH‐MNH. NO.

WHY?

GO AHEAD. TELL HER, FLOYD.

WHY ARE YOU TWO SO AGAINST THIS?

BECAUSE IF ANYTHING BAD HAPPENS WITH HIM,

HE'S GONNA TAKE IT OUT ON ALL OF US.

WELL, IF YOU KEEP THIS PLACE CLEAN,

YOU WON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU SAID THAT BECAUSE...

THAT'S NOW YOUR PROBLEM.

AND YOU CAN START WITH THE KITCHEN FLOOR,

MOPZILLA.

AND IF THE MOP DRY UP,

USE THAT GREASY WEAVE TO FINISH THE JOB.

[ VOCALIZES DANCE MUSIC ]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

[ SIGHS ] MY MAMA IS DATING.

YEAH. DON'T EVEN SOUND RIGHT, DOES IT?

NO.

I HAVE PROBLEM WITH THAT.

AND I GOT A HUGE PROBLEM WITH HER BRINGING

THE HEALTH INSPECTOR AROUND HERE ALL THE TIME.

SHE ALWAYS FALLS FOR THESE LOSERS.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT REMINDS ME ‐‐

I NEED TO ORDER SOME MORE CEREAL FOR THE DINER.

NO, YOU...

COME ON, UNCLE FLOYD.

YOU GOT TO HELP ME CHECK THIS GUY OUT.

ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU CHECK HIM OUT,

AND I'LL MAKE SURE THAT HE CHECKS OUT.

ALL RIGHT?

WE JUST NEED A PLAN. ALL RIGHT.

BUT HE CAN'T KNOW HE'S BEING SET UP.

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

WHAT IF WE INVITE HIM TO THE BEACH

FOR A BARBECUE AND A CONCERT?

AGAIN, I SAY...

[ VOCALIZES DANCE MUSIC ]

LOOK, IF YOU CALL HIM AND ASK HIM TO DO THAT,

HE'S GONNA THINK THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DATE HIM.

NOW, LOOK, THEY GOT A DATE TOMORROW NIGHT,

SO WHAT WE'LL DO ‐‐

WE'LL GO A LITTLE BIT EARLY, AND WE'LL CHECK HIM OUT,

AND WE'LL SPEND A LITTLE TIME WITH HIM.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

OH, THAT'S BRILLIANT.

MM‐HMM. I KNOW.

I'M FLOYD.

HE'S HERE.

WOW. THAT'S A NICE CAR.

YEAH.

HOW DOES HE AFFORD THAT ON A HEALTH INSPECTOR'S SALARY?

EH, I HAVE ONE.

AND YOU BROKE.

OH, YEAH.

[ RHYTHMIC KNOCK ON DOOR ]

AND BREAK! GAME TIME!

[ Deeply ] HI.

[ CRICKETS CHIRPING ]

HI, DANNY.

LAST TIME DIDN'T GO SO WELL.

LET ME START OVER? I'M MARTY.

[ Normal voice ] OH, I REMEMBER YOU.

YOU'RE THE ONE DRESSED LIKE A PIMP.

I'M DANNY...

[ WHIMPERS ]

...LINDA'S SON.

YOU REMEMBER ME?

OF COURSE, MR. FLOYD. HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?

AND YOU ARE?

[ Gruffly ] I'M SAM.

LINDA'S OTHER SON, SON.

REALLY?

DON'T ASK.

THAT WAS ONE OF HER CONJUGAL VISITS.

CONJUGAL?

YEAH.

SHE MET MY DADDY WHEN THEY WAS BOTH IN PRISON.

PRISON?

J'YEAH.

SHE MET MY DAD IN PRISON, TOO.

J'YEAH.

SO, LOOK AT J'YOU.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

YOU BEEN TO PRISON?

NO.

OH, SHE AIN'T GONNA LIKE HIM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SHE AIN'T GONNA LIKE HIM.

HE DON'T KNOW. [ LAUGHS ]

OH...

SO...MARTY...

[ GRUNTS ]

HAVE A SEAT.

SO, UH... HOW YOU DOING, MARTY‐MAR?

DOING GOOD.

SO, MARTY‐MAR...

WHERE YOU GOING TONIGHT, SON?

GOING TO THE MAYOR'S BALL AT THE PALACE.

OH! THAT'S A NICE RESTAURANT.

IT IS.

YEAH.

NEXT TO A REALLY NICE HOTEL.

YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU GET A DISCOUNT ON A ROOM?

I CAN GET THEM BY THE HOUR, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

SEX. TALKING ABOUT SEX.

DON'T TALK ABOUT SEX OVER ME!

I FEEL VIOLATED.

W‐WAIT, WAIT.

YOU'RE TRYING TO TAKE MY NIECE TO A HOTEL, HUH?

NO.

I‐I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT IT SEEMS LIKE IS

WHAT'S COMING OUT YOUR MOUTH WITH HER.

L‐LOOK... WHAT'S GOING ON, GUYS?

IS LINDA HERE?

SHE'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE.

YEAH. CHILL.

J'YEAH. J'YEAH.

BUT, YO, DANNY... YO?

...YOU REMEMBER WHAT WE DID

TO THAT LAST FOOL LINDA BROUGHT HOME?

REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED?

OH, OH, OH, YEAH, I REMEMBER.

HOO‐HOO‐HOO!

GAVE HIM A TWO‐BEAT ‐‐ UNH, UNH...

OH, OH.

...AND A BISCUIT. OH!

HA! WHAT?!

WHAT DID WE DO?

YOU REMEMBER.

J'YEAH.

J'YEAH.

YEAH. J'YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

THEY STILL DIDN'T FIND THAT BODY, SON.

WHERE THE BODY AT? NOBODY KNOW.

DID I INTRODUCE MYSELF?

YEAH. YOU'RE SAM.

THE SON OF SAM.

LOOK ‐‐ LOOK, GUYS, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

HE'S SCARED NOW.

MM‐HMM.

WHAT ‐‐ WHAT YOU SAY?

DID I HEAR MARTY?

UM...

HE LEFT.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

WE AIN'T DO...

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ Normal voice ] I WILL SEE YOU AT THE APARTMENT.

NOW, WHAT DID YOU DO TO MARTY?

TELL ME, DANNY.

WE WERE JUST GONNA TALK TO HIM.

I KNOW YOU.

OKAY, WE TRIED TO SCARE HIM AWAY!

Floyd: [ GROANS ]

[ GROANS ]

REMIND ME NOT TO EVER ROB A BANK WITH YOU.

WILL Y'ALL BE QUIET? WHAT HAPPENED?

WE JUST WANTED TO TALK TO HIM, GET TO KNOW HIM BETTER,

AND WE MAY HAVE EMBELLISHED THE TRUTH JUST A LITTLE BIT.

EMBELLISHED HOW?

WE TOLD HIM YOU LIKE MEN IN JAIL AND SAM'S YOUR SON.

AND HE BELIEVED IT?

[ Laughing ] YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LOSER. [ LAUGHS ]

UH, BABY, YOU NEED TO GET RID OF HIM.

HE'S JUST AS DUMB AS A BAG OF ROCKS.

AND I WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING OUT WITH HIM.

UH, PRECIOUS?

JUST HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS MAN?

I'M TRYING TO GET TO KNOW HIM, BUT I KNOW HE'S A NICE GUY.

NO, HE'S NOT!

HE'S THE HEALTH INSPECTOR!

RIGHT, WHICH MEANS WE DON'T WANT HIM

HANGING AROUND THE DINER.

HE IS NOT THINKING ABOUT THAT PLACE.

REALLY? LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

HOW OLD IS THIS CAT?

38. UH‐HUH.

MARRIED? DIVORCED.

WHY?

THEY DIDN'T GET ALONG. THAT ENDED IT.

UH‐HUH. AND WHERE'D HE GO TO SCHOOL?

LISTEN, UNCLE FLOYD.

BLOOD TYPE?

FLOYD, WILL YOU SIT DOWN?

IT'S OBVIOUS THAT SHE KNOWS MORE ABOUT HIM

THAN I DID HER FATHER WHEN I MARRIED HIM.

YOU DIDN'T MARRY HER FATHER.

SHH! OOH.

SHE ‐‐

[ Voice breaking ] MAMA, THAT WASN'T MY DADDY?

I DON'T KNOW WHO YOUR FATHER IS.

WHAT?!

MAMA!

DON'T "WHAT?" ME. Y'ALL FOLK KILL ME NOWADAYS.

THINK YOU THE ONLY ONES GOT YOUR FREAK ON.

I GOT MY FREAK ON WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

I WAS YOUNG ONE TIME, TOO, YOU REMEMBER.

[ CHUCKLES ] SOME OF HER STILL YOUNG.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

OH.

HELLO?

OH, HI, MARTY. I'M SO SORRY.

I WAS JUST LOOKING OUT FOR HER.

SO WHAT?

I OUGHT TO CHOKE THE SLEEP OUT OF YOU.

GRANDMA, WHY?

'CAUSE IF SHE LIKES HIM, MAYBE SHE'LL MARRY HIM.

YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S TOO SOON?

HELL, NO.

IT AIN'T NEVER TOO SOON TO GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE.

SHE ALWAYS FALLS FOR THESE LOSERS.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE HE WAS THE RIGHT ONE.

SO, WHAT YOU GONNA DO? JUST RUN HIM AWAY?

NO. I WAS JUST TRYING TO PUT THE FEAR OF GOD IN HIM.

I ALREADY DID THAT.

YOU DID?

YOU DIDN'T SEE MY ARSENAL IN THE BASEMENT?

OH!

IS THAT SOME KIND OF SICK SEXUAL REFERENCE?

ALL DEPENDS. YOU WANT TO GIVE IT A TRY?

DON'T SAY "DEPENDS."

LOOK, BOY.

YOUR MAMA IS A GROWN WOMAN,

AND SHE GOT TO LEARN HOW TO FIGURE OUT HER OWN PROBLEMS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

SOMETHING DON'T SOUND RIGHT ABOUT THIS.

THIS THING IS BACKWARDS.

'CAUSE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TELLING YOU THIS.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE.

WELL, MAKE SURE YOU TAKE YOUR ASS IN THERE

AND APOLOGIZE.

HEY, MAMA.

DON'T "HEY" ME.

MAMA, I'M SO SORRY.

BABY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR ME.

I GOT THIS.

I'VE WATCHED YOU GET INTO SOME REALLY BAD SITUATIONS.

I KNOW.

BUT EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS MADE ME STRONGER.

THEY'VE MADE ME BETTER.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

IN LIFE, YOU HAVE TO WALK YOUR OWN PATH.

I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO FALL IN LOVE TOO QUICKLY.

WHO'S THE SON AND WHO'S THE MAMA?

SOMETIMES I GET CONFUSED.

LOOK, I JUST WANT THE BEST FOR YOU.

ESPECIALLY AFTER LIONEL.

I UNDERSTAND.

BUT HOW WILL I KNOW IF I DON'T FIND OUT?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M SORRY, MAMA.

[ SIGHS ]

OKAY, GET OUT OF MY WAY. I GOT A DATE.

AND MY BROTHER PAID CHILD SUPPORT ALL THOSE YEARS.

AGAIN, MAMA, I'M SO SORRY.

SAVE THAT FOR MARTY.

[ RHYTHMIC KNOCK ON DOOR ]

HE'S HERE?

HE JUST WENT TO THE CAR TO WAIT FOR ME.

HI, MARTY.

HI, LINDA.

YOU LOOK GREAT. THANK YOU.

MISS HATTIE. PENGUIN.

APOLOGIZE.

I'M SORRY.

SAM? FLOYD?

SORRY.SORRY.

Danny: LOOK...

I LOVE MY MOTHER.

AND I WAS JUST LOOKING OUT FOR HER.

LOOK, MAN, I UNDERSTAND.

I WAS RAISED BY A SINGLE MOTHER, TOO, SO I GET IT.

BUT YOU JUST CAN ASK.

[ Gruffly ] WHERE'S THE PHONY NOW, SON?

[ Normal voice ] S‐S‐S‐SIR. SORRY.

YOU GUYS SHOULD BE CAREFUL,

BECAUSE WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW COULD HURT YOU.

THAT'S WHY I WAS LOOKING OUT FOR HER.

Floyd: HOLD UP!

THAT SOUNDED LIKE A THREAT.

IS THAT A THREAT, BROTHER?

NO.

WHAT YOU GUYS SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME IS

THAT I'M A BLACK BELT IN AIKIDO.

WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW IS THAT I DRIVE A S. U. V.

[ IMITATING ENGINE REVVING ]

N‐N‐N‐N‐NO, FLOYD. THAT MEANS HE'S DEADLY.

HE'S GOT SOME SORT OF DISEASE OR SOMETHING?

CAN WE GO?

PLEASE!

DANNY. MISS HATTIE.

FLOYD. SON OF SAM.

PENGUIN.

MOM, IS THAT YOU?

YES, BABY.

OH, GOOD. I JUST PUT IN A DVD.

OUR FAVORITE ‐‐ "MOMMY & ME."

THAT SOUNDS FUN.

YEAH. YOU ‐‐

SO, YOU GOING OUT?

YES.

OH, WELL, I WANT YOU BACK IN THIS HOUSE BY 10:00!

DANNY.

MAKE SURE. HERE.

WHAT'S THIS?

THAT'S A QUARTER.

JUST IN CASE YOU NEED ME TO COME GET YOU.

AND WHERE AM I GONNA FIND A PAYPHONE?

WATCH YOUR TONE.

AND MAKE SURE DON'T YOU COME HOME

WITH NO LITTLE BROTHERS AND SISTERS, EITHER.

BOY, PLEASE.

NOW, NOW, I WANT YOU BACK IN THIS HOUSE BY 10:00.

A.M.

AND LOOSEN UP THAT DRESS.

Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME, NOW.

YOU HEAR?