Original subtitles

HEY, MISS LINDA.

HEY, SAM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, I ‐‐ OH! OOOH...

UH, I JU‐‐ HMM...

I JUST CAME BY TO... MAKE A LITTLE SAUSAGE ‐‐

MNH!

...COOK A LITTLE MEAT ‐‐

HMM...

I JUST CAME BY TO COOK BREAKFAST FOR DANNY.

AWW!

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE TO MAKE BREAKFAST.

IT'S HARD TO MAKE BACON LIKE THIS.

ALTHOUGH, I TRIED ONCE ‐‐ IT WAS PRETTY PAINFUL...

...BUT DELIGHTFUL.

YOU ‐‐ HMM.

YOU WANT TO GO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON?

NO.

SAM, GO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, NOW!

ALL RIGHT.

JUST SO YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE THE FIRST WOMAN TO EVER ASK ME TO DO THIS.

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T

WALK AROUND HERE NAKED LIKE THAT.

I KNOW.

ANYBODY COULD WALK IN.

ANYBODY JUST DID.

BOYS WILL BE BOYS.

I AM SORRY YOU HAD TO SEE...ALL OF THAT.

ALL OF WHAT?

SON, YOU'RE LACKING.

HEY, IT'S... PRETTY COLD IN HERE.

RIGHT.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR BREAKFAST?

HOW ABOUT AN ORDER OF "CAN YOU CALL BEFORE YOU COME?"

I'M SORRY ‐‐ WHAT WAS THAT?

I'M GOOD. I'LL JUST HAVE

A "PLEASE GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE" OMELETTE

WITH A LARGE GLASS

OF "YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME" JUICE.

YOU'RE SO FUNNY.

FUNNIER WITHOUT THE ROBE.

WAIT, DID FLOYD LET YOU IN?

NO, HE DIDN'T.

OH.

HOW DID YOU GET IN?

I HAVE A KEY.

OH.

A KEY?!

WHERE DID YOU GET A KEY?!

FROM DANNY.

DANNY GAVE YOU A KEY?!

YEAH, ISN'T HE SWEET? MY POOH.

SO SWEET. I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!

‐‐Captions by VITAC‐‐ www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY DISCOVERY COMMUNICATIONS

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

Sam: DANNY!

WHAT?!

WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED?!

'CAUSE I LIVE WITH YOU!

SMART MAN...

...'CAUSE I WOULD HAVE COME IN HERE AND KILLED YOU!

ME?! I SHOULD KILL YOU!

ALL THESE STRANGE WOMEN COMING IN AND OUT

OF THE APARTMENT EVERY NIGHT.

THERE'S A STRANGE ONE IN THE KITCHEN RIGHT NOW.

THEN GET HER OUT OF HERE!

I WOULD LOVE TO, BUT SHE HAS A KEY.

SEE, THAT'S WHY I HATE LIVING WITH YOU.

YOU GAVE SOME STRANGE WOMAN A KEY TO OUR APARTMENT.

NO. YOU DID.

NO, I DIDN'T.

THEN WHY IS YOUR MOM IN OUR KITCHEN MAKING BREAKFAST?!

LOOK, SHE'S GOING THROUGH A ROUGH TIME.

[ CHUCKLES ] I'LL SAY.

SHE JUST WALKED IN ON ME NAKED.

OH, THE DREAMS SHE'LL HAVE NOW.

OH, THE NIGHTMARES!

HER ROUGH TIME JUST GOT WORSE!

SHE'S NEVER GONNA BE ABLE TO GET THAT OUT OF HER HEAD.

I KNOW.

I'M SO EMBARRASSED!

HEY, WHOA, WHOA. I'M THE ONE

THAT SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED, ALTHOUGH I'M NOT.

BUT IT WAS PRETTY COLD OUT THERE.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE WALKING AROUND HERE NAKED ANYWAY!

YOU HAVE A ROOMMATE NOW!

BUT WE'RE GUYS!

WE DON'T CARE!

NO! NO! COME ON!

GET OFF OF ME!

I CARE.

YOU'RE SO PALE,

I NEED SUNGLASSES JUST TO LOOK AT YOUR ASS.

YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING AT MY ASS?

AWW!

I'VE BEEN DOING BUTT LIFTS!

[ SIGHS ]

ENOUGH.

NO, NO, NO.

ENOUGH OF YOU AND YOUR MOM!

THIS IS JUST SICK!

YOU GAVE HER A KEY,

AND NOW SHE'S OUT THERE MAKING BREAKFAST!

AWW! THAT'S SO SWEET!

NUH‐UH! THAT'S HORRIBLE!

Linda: BREAKFAST IS READY!

COMING, MOM!

DANNY, I'M TELLING YOU ‐‐

YOU GET THAT KEY BACK FROM HER OR WE'RE THROUGH.

OH, WELL THAT'S ALL THE MORE REASON

FOR ME TO LET HER KEEP IT.

TRY ME.

TRY ME!

TRY WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

[ GASPS ]

I'M WALKING OUT THERE NAKED AGAIN.

NO, YOU'RE NOT. NO, YOU'RE NOT!

DON'T TOUCH ME! YOU'RE NAKED!

GET OFF OF ME! STOP IT!

Just drop it, okay?!

HEY, GRANDMA.

HEY!

LUNCH, EVERYONE?

YES. SAME FOR YOU?

YES, PLEASE.

ASK HIM.

NO, I WILL NOT.

ASK HIM WHAT?

UGH! I'M TIRED OF HEARING THIS.

IT MAY BE GOOD TO GET THE OPINION

OF A VERY OLD, ELDERLY MAN.

SO, FLOYD...

...AFTER YOU MOVED OUT, WHEN YOU WERE DANNY'S AGE,

IF YOU CAN REMEMBER BACK THAT FAR...

...WOULD YOU ‐‐

UH, BABY, FLOYD JUST MOVED OUT OF HIS MAMA'S HOUSE

'BOUT A YEAR AGO.

EHH!

EHH.

GO AHEAD, GIRL.

ASK YOUR QUESTION.

WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR MOTHER A KEY?

TO WHAT?

SEE?

TO MY PLACE?! YES!

OH, HE‐E‐E‐E‐LL NO.

WELL, DANNY GAVE LI‐I‐I‐I‐NDA A KEY.

BOY, ARE YOU CRAZY?

THAT'S LIKE GIVING YOUR GRANDMA A RAZOR.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THAT MEANS THAT RAZOR'S GONNA GET THE HELL USED OUT OF IT.

[ IMITATES BUZZING ]

I HEARD THAT.

AND GIVE ME A RAZOR SO I CAN CUT YOU.

[ IMITATES BUZZING ]

I KNOW YOU HEARD ME, YOU GERMAN SHEPHERD.

BUT I MEANT THAT WITH LOVE.

BUT, BOY, REALLY ‐‐

DID YOU REALLY GIVE YOUR MOTHER A KEY TO YOUR APARTMENT?

YES!

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

YOU NEVER GIVE YOUR MAMA A KEY TO YOUR PLACE.

THANK YOU!

[ Baby voice ] DANNY, I THINK IT'S ADORABLE.

THANK YOU.

IT'S NOT ADORABLE.

IT'S PANTY‐PARTY SUICIDE.

RIGHT.

HUH?

NO MORE PARTIES.

NO MORE PANTIES.

OKAY. I GOT YOU.

THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.

WELL, YOU NEED TO GIVE UP THESE PANTY PARTIES

'CAUSE IT'S GETTING OLD.

SPEAKING OF OLD, YOU TWO ARE LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE.

WELL, THIS COUPLE IS GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE!

I MEAN IT, DANNY!

YOU GET THAT KEY BACK NOW!

WHOA.

SOMEONE SEEMS UPSET.

WHAT IS HE SO MAD ABOUT?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM. HE'LL GET OVER IT.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

NOTHING.

LINDA.

NOTHING.

WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'VE LOST MY APPETITE.

I'LL TALK TO YOU GUYS LATER.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

YOUR DAUGHTER IS WHAT'S GOING ON.

WHAT ABOUT MY DAUGHTER?

DANNY GAVE HER A KEY.

A KEY TO WHAT?

THE APARTMENT.

OH, HE‐E‐E‐E‐E‐E‐LL NO.

AND NOW SHE WON'T STOP VISITING,

AND, OF COURSE, SAM IS TIRED OF IT, BUT DANNY LOVES IT.

YEAH, YOU NEED A MAN.

DANNY LOVE HER COMING BY THE HOUSE?

YEAH.

AWW, I'LL GIVE THAT ONE MORE WEEK.

WHY DO YOU SAY THAT, HATTIE?

'CAUSE THAT DAUGHTER OF MINE ‐‐

SHE'LL DRIVE A DEMON TO DRINKING.

OH, SEE, MY DOOR'S UNLOCKED.

ALTHOUGH, I SHOULD HAVE LOCKED IT

'CAUSE I'M TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM YOUR MOTHER OUT THERE,

WHO'S WATCHING MOVIES ABOUT GUYS AND GIRLS IN LOVE

AND THEIR FEELINGS AND TEARS AND GOD

AND EVERYTHING I DON'T STAND FOR!

THOSE CHICK FLICKS!

NOW, DON'T TELL ME SHE'S NOT DRIVING YOU CRAZY!

SAM, I HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT I THINK YOU MAY BE RIGHT.

[ Grunting ] YEAH! YEAH! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

[ GRUNTING, PANTING ]

[ Normal voice ] YES!

I COULD RUN A MARATHON ON "YES" RIGHT NOW.

I KNEW IT.

I KNEW SHE WAS DRIVING YOU CRAZY, TOO.

WELL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

OH.

[ LAUGHS ] WE?!

WE ARE NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING.

YOU ARE GONNA GO OUT THERE

AND YOU'RE GONNA GET THAT KEY BACK.

WELL, HOW AM I GONNA DO THAT?

GIVE HER A CONCUSSION! I DON'T CARE!

SAM, WE CAN'T GIVE ‐‐

DON'T YOU HIT MY MAMA!

SAM, DON'T YOU HIT MY ‐‐

[ Coughing ] DO IT.

MAMA ‐‐

[ Crying ] Shh, Shh, Shh.

MAMA, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

I'M SORRY.

THIS MAN JUST WALKED OUT ON HIS WIFE.

SHE WAS SO SAD.

SHE COMMITTED SUICIDE. HORRIBLE.

DON'T YOU FALL FOR IT.

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

MAMA, YOU'RE HERE A LOT.

I KNOW, BABY. I KNOW.

THANK YOU.

Linda: THANK YOU.

I CAN'T WATCH THE END OF THIS.

WHEN IT STARTS LIKE THAT, I CAN'T HANDLE THE ENDING.

I'LL JUST FINISH CLEANING UP.

AWW, THANK YOU!

YOU'RE WELCOME, BABY.

BUT YOUR ROOM...

SAM, WE NEED TO TALK.

THAT WAS DISGUSTING.

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

WHERE'S THE LEAK?

WHERE'S THE LEAK, LINDA?

WHERE'S THE LEAK?

IT ‐‐ IT'S OVER THERE.

THAT'S A DRIP.

WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

KIND OF LIKE HOW YOU'RE DRIVING THEM CRAZY?

UNCLE FLOYD, YOU ARE THE BUILDING SUPER.

FIX IT.

AND YOU'RE THE BUILDING PEST, AND YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!

NOW, LOOK, I'M ONLY SUPER ON THE WEEKENDS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

BUT LOOK, I HAVE A DAY JOB

WHERE I HAVE TO WORK WITH A WILDEBEEST, REMEMBER?

DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MAMA LIKE THAT.

I AIN'T TALKING ABOUT YOUR MAMA LIKE THAT.

HEY, FLOYD.

LOOK WHO'S HERE ‐‐ AGAIN.

WHY ARE YOU HERE, LINDA?

I DON'T HAVE MUCH TO DO, SO I COME BY AND STRAIGHTEN UP.

IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

YES, MAMA. THAT'S FINE.

DANNY!

WHAT IS THIS?

I ‐‐ I BROUGHT THREE MOVIES BY FOR US TO WATCH TONIGHT.

"OTHER DAYS OF LOVE," "AND ABOVE ALL, LOVE,"

"HER WISH FOR LOVE."

THAT'S A HORROR.

NO, IT'S A LOVE STORY.

I DON'T LIKE HORROR MOVIES.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, DANNY?

NO, MAMA, YOU DON'T.

[ Baby voice ] MAMA DOESN'T LIKE HORROR MOVIES.

[ IMITATING BABY TALK ]

WELL, I'M LIVING ONE!

IT'S CALLED "RETURN OF THE MOMMY."

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.

THANK YOU.

COME ON, GUYS.

LET'S CHOOSE ANOTHER MOVIE.

DO SOMETHING.

MOM, THERE'S SOMETHING I REALLY NEED TO TELL YOU.

WELL, WHAT IS IT, BABY?

THAT IS A GOOD ONE!

YOU CAN'T DO IT, CAN YOU?

NO, IT'S REALLY HARD!

[ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]

PRETTY GOOD ‐‐ MAMA!

WHAT A MOTHER‐‐

YOUR MAMA'S HERE.

SO, YOU'RE HERE.

[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]

I BROUGHT YOU DINNER.

AWW, YOU BROUGHT US DINNER, MAMA?

THAT'S SO SWEET.

WHO ARE YOU?

YOUR FUTURE DAUGHTER‐IN‐LAW.

SON, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SEEING SOMEONE.

TELL HER.

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS SEEING SOMEONE, NEITHER.

GET OFF OF ME!

SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE...AGAIN?

I BROUGHT DINNER F‐‐

[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ]

DID SOMEONE SAY "DINNER"?

[ SNIFFING ]

...FOR MY SON!

AND ‐‐ MM ‐‐ ANOTHER MOVIE!

"LOVE THE WOMAN OR LEAVE THE WOMAN."

WHAT A GREAT MOVIE!

I PREFER "KILL THE WOMAN OR DROWN THE WOMAN."

OW!

OOH, GIRL, I'VE BEEN WANTING TO SEE THAT!

[ CHUCKLES ]

DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT.

YOU'RE NO FUN.

I'M IN HELL.

OH, AND AFTER WE EAT AND WATCH THE MOVIE,

I THINK I'M GONNA STAY HERE TONIGHT ON THE SOFA.

NO!

DAMN, SAM, DON'T DO THAT!

MAMA, WHAT HE MEANS IS WE DON'T HAVE...MANY BLANKETS.

I HAVE SOME YOU CAN BORROW!

Traitor.

THE BOYS JUST LOVE IT WHEN YOU'RE HERE.

WELL, TOMORROW, I'M GONNA BUY YOU SOME

AND BRING THEM OVER

AND MAKE UP YOUR BED LIKE YOU USED TO LIKE IT...

[ Baby voice ] WITH YOUR LITTLE FEETSIE‐WEETSIES

ALL WRAPPED UP IN IT.

[ CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY ]

OKAY. EVERYBODY, COME ON.

LET'S GO IN.

YOU STILL NURSING?

[ SLOOP! BOING! ]

[ RAPID KNOCKING ON DOOR ]

MM!

THEY KNOCKING LIKE THEY'RE WITH THE POLICE.

WHO IS IT?!

Danny: IT'S ME, GRANDMA.

OH, BOY, YOU BETTER ANNOUNCE YOURSELF

OR YOU'RE LIABLE TO GET BUSTED IN THE HEAD, DAMN!

I'LL BUST IT.

HEY! HEY, Y'ALL.

HEY. [ GRUNTS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

SEE, I TOLD YOU MY BUTT LIFTS WERE WORKING.

EVEN YOUR GRANDMA NOTICED.

IT'S A WHOLE OLDER DEMOGRAPHIC.

SAM, WOULD YOU JUST STOP IT?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

[ SIGHS ]

DO IT NOW!

WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?

HE NEEDS TO GET THIS KEY BACK!

OH, YEAH.

FLOYD TOLD ME YOU GAVE YOUR MAMA A KEY

TO YOUR APARTMENT WITH YOUR OLD DUMB ASS.

DID YOU EVER TALK TO YOUR MOTHER ABOUT COMING OVER SO MUCH?

NO, I DIDN'T. WELL, WHY NOT?

'CAUSE HE'S A WEAKLING!

GRANDMA, PLEASE!

YOU ALWAYS USED TO TALK TO PEOPLE BEFORE!

WOULD YOU TALK TO HER FOR ME?!

COME HERE.

LEAN IN SOME.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU WITH ALL THAT WHINING?

I'M NOT GONNA TALK TO ANYBODY.

YOU GOT TO LEARN HOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN PROBLEMS!

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY ‐‐

NOT WANTING ANYBODY TO BE INCONVENIENCED.

JUST LIKE YOUR GRANDPA.

I USED TO SAY, "ROLL OVER." HE'D ROLL OVER.

I USED TO SAY, "LAY DOWN." HE'D LAY DOWN.

I'D SAY, "BEND OVER."

HE WOULD BEND OVER.

I USED TO SAY, "MISSIONARY, MISSIONAR‐‐"

WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

GRANDMA, STOP!

WHAT'S THE POINT?!

DAMN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE POINT ‐‐

OH! OH, I REMEMBER.

UH...HE NEVER WANTED ME TO FEEL INCONVENIENCED,

SO, BABY, IF SOMEBODY MAKES YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE,

YOU JUST GOT TO LEARN TO SAY IT.

JUST COME OUT, AND YOU'VE JUST GOT TO TELL HER.

TELL HER.

HEY, BABY.

I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU DOWN HERE.

BROUGHT YOUR BLANKETS.

HEY, SAM.

YOU MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE, AND I JUST CAN'T STAND IT!

YES!

I SAID, "HEY, SAM."

HEY, OMNIPRESENT.

[ SIGHS ]

ANYWAY, I GOT YOUR BLANKETS.

I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH MONEY,

SO I HAD TO GO TO THE THRIFT STORE,

BUT ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS WASH THEM.

GO AHEAD. TELL HER.

TELL ME WHAT?

MOM...

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

IT WAS GOOD,

BUT MY NIGHT'S GONNA BE EVEN BETTER.

I GOT NEW MOVIES!

Don't be no punk.

Tell her what the hell you said.

[ SIGHS ]

MOM, CAN I GET THE KEY BACK?

SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT?

YES!

WHAT? YOU HAVE IT!

MOM, WE ‐‐ WE'RE YOUNG MEN,

AND WE NEED A LITTLE MORE PRIVACY.

AND I THINK THE KEY WAS A BAD IDEA.

IS THIS ABOUT ME WALKING IN ON YOU NAKED?

YOU MEAN YOU WALKED IN ON HIM NAKED?

MM‐HMM.

HOW DID THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU?

I BLACKED OUT.

I WHITED OUT.

IT'S A THING.

HERE'S YOUR KEY, BABY.

THANK YOU.

LET ME GET THESE IN THE WASHER.

I DID GOOD!

YES!

Both: "G," "G," "O," "O," "O," "O," "D," "D,"

G‐O‐O‐D ‐‐ GOOD!

[ BOTH GRUNT ]

READY, OKAY.

"S," "S," "T," "T," "U," "U," "D," "D."

A‐S‐S!

"STUDDAS"? STU‐‐

STU? STUM?

STORK?

STUPID ASS!

GRANDMA, WHY DID YOU CALL US STUPID?!

YEAH?

'CAUSE Y'ALL ARE JUST DUMB.

"D," "D," "U," "U," "M," "B," DUMB!

BUT WHY? WHY ARE WE DUMB?

'CAUSE Y'ALL GOT THE KEY,

BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL HER NOT TO COME OVER NO MORE!

Both: OH!