Original subtitles

- Wednesday's mathematics test is without question

the defining moment of your school careers.

- Okay, so this is interesting.

What we're seeing here is my last moment of sanity.

- Some of you, girls, nirvana awaits,

the land of milk and honey.

I refer, of course, to Miss Lovett's Opportunity Class

for Gifted High Achievers.

Okay, start the clock.

- As for the rest,

I'm now referring to the lower forms of pond life

who I fully expect to fail Wednesday's test,

Mr. Leonard, why is my eye drawn so compellingly

in your direction?

- Here it comes,

watch Lockie's mouth pipe comfy with his brain.

- Where do you sit on this?

- Um, usually sir, I prefer to sit on a chair.

- Leonard, you must think me a very foolish

all maths teacher indeed.

- Yes, that's right sir, matter of fact, I do.

See, I'm my own worst enemy.

But old Squash was being really sarcastic,

and Sarge hates sarcasm.

I was defending his ideals.

- There is a crime wave of the most deplorable kind

on the streets of Angelus.

And I give you fair warning.

I intend to come down like the proverbial tonne of bricks.

- Wow.

- Wow indeed, Lisa.

This festering sore needs to be stamped on,

and stamped on hard.

- Sorry, what does?

- Something you've suffered personally, Snowy.

- Flatulence!

I'm sorry everybody- - No, no, it's not what-

I intend to launch a crackdown on the social evil

known as sarcasm.

The practise of taking the deeds and words

of well-intentioned people, and holding them up to ridicule.

- Do you think you're obstructing the footpath

just the teeniest bit?

- I am?

No, hang on, I must be stupid.

Why didn't I think of this before?

I could pick up this stuff with my bare hands

and move it to a more convenient location.

- That, Snowy.

That is sarcasm.

- Gee, there's a word for that, is there?

I thought it was just my life.

- Mum's been calling for a three-way conference

with old Squasher.

We're going to review my evil ways.

Well, it's better than being sent to the principal.

Mom was being totally supportive.

And kind, and brave.

Which made me feel about a million times worse.

- It wasn't your choice to abandon your friends in the city

and trek halfway across the state.

- I'm okay.

- Only to be thrust into an unfamiliar and alien environment

arguably the most challenging moment of your life.

- Mum, it's okay.

- Whilst living in a hovel that's sinking

day by day into a swamp.

I'm sorry, Lockie.

I failed you.

- No you haven't!

I'm the one that needs to make it up to you!

- Hello, welcome to Angelus High.

My name's Vicki Streeton, I'm the hospitality monitor.

Could I get you a cup of tea, perhaps?

- Thank you, Vicki.

What I wouldn't give for a nice cup of tea.

- A nice cup of tea.

Mum's feeling down on herself and needs a nice cup of tea.

- My pleasure.

And let me just say,

that is an exquisite pashmina you're wearing.

- This old thing?

It doesn't get many compliments at home!

And then say nice things

about the clothes.

It's so simple!

Why couldn't I think of that?

- What would boys know anyway?

- Exactly!

Mr. Squasher, I want to say that I take full responsibility

for the problems Lockie's going through at the moment.

You see, my little one had croot the day

that our parent-effective descript tackled puberty,

which meant that I leapt straight from peer group pressure

to pimples.

I mean, one of the other girls, Jenny Endecott,

lent me her crib notes,

but I still missed boys and their body.

So I rushed out and got this

little green book.

Boys will be boys,

as we can see very clearly from these diagrams.

You mustn't blame yourself, Mrs. Leonard.

Statistics show that girls are more proficient

in maths than boys.

Not to mention superior reading ability,

motor skills, emotional maturity,

and attention to personal lodging.

Makes you wonder why we bother having boys.

What's this thing about girls all of a sudden?

Girls can do no wrong, and boys are like,

a total waste of space?

That isn't what I said, obviously.

Goodness me, isn't that fascinating?

- I'm glad we've had this little chat, Mrs. Leonard.

If Lockie does his best in Wednesday's maths test,

I think I can be persuaded to call off the attack dogs.

- Mr. Squasher, Lockie has never given me anything less

than his best, ever.

- Mum.

Would you like a nice cup of tea?

- What's the matter, don't you feel well?

- Better make me some sandwiches, Mum.

Might have to pull an all-nighter on the moon over six.

- Mum, instead of Phil and me,

do you ever wish you had two more girls?

- No, no of course not.

I have exactly the children I have always wanted.

- Goodness me!

- You might have someone to talk to

about pashminas and things.

- Parents don't spend their whole lives

obsessing about what they want,

they live for their children.

And all their children's little achievements

like you doing well on your maths test.

- Attention stations Joy.

When're you getting to get to this laundry?

This war on sarcasm is taking a toll on my shirts.

What on Earth you doing, boy?

You're not going to get that out with water alone.

Here, here, here, use a cloth!

In there, scrub, scrub, scrub.

Scrub!

Scrub!

- But Sarge gets to do everything he wants to do.

His poetry, his war on sarcasm.

- Well I have those things too.

- No you don't, you have housework.

- It's not just housework, I have silly things.

Like...

Choosing a new wallpaper,

or wishing I had a new sauce spoon.

- Those aren't silly things.

- Yes they are.

Who in their right mind would hanker

after a new sauce spoon?

- You miss out all the time.

Last year for Christmas,

I got you a pair of plastic gloves and a toilet brush.

- The colours were so cheerful!

I love you boys.

And I wouldn't have my life any other way.

If you do well on your maths test,

you will make me the happiest mum in the world.

- Nice one, Blob!

- Do you have any sandwiches, Mum?

- "I love you boys,

"and I wouldn't have my life any other way".

That's what Mum would say,

but I'd seen something she was missing.

- There's nothing I like more than

sitting down with a nice cup of tea

and having a good ol' chin wag about pashminas and bras!

- I know, it's heaven.

Some bras fasten at the front, you know?

- I know!

And then there's others, they fasten at the back!

- I mean,

imagine if Blob had been my big sister,

instead of my baby sister.

- Lockie get out of here!

I'm taking over the bathroom for the next seven hours

for a fashion makeover.

I need to try on all my pashminas and bras!

- Hey, Blob, what's that you're eating?

- Lino!

It's so yum!

- Would you say you live in the girly household

or a matuary, all male-type of a household?

- Definitely a guy's.

Farts and boiler suits, and that's just Mum.

And your question is?

- Have you ever thought

that it might've been nicer for your Mum

if you had been born a girl?

- My Lockie, no!

I've never thought of that, ever!

And I'm not sure I like what you're implying!

- Hey, wait up, you don't have to get nacky about it!

- Excuse me, and your question is

do you think that I wish I was a chick?

No baby, no, not this little rock star!

- I'm just, like, asking if your Mum, like,

gets frustrated at having to live with, like,

guys all the time!

- Would Mum be happy if she wore the pants at home?

Not a problem, girlfriend, Mum already wears the pants!

- But, like, if there was one single thing that you could do

that would, like, make Mum feel, like, so much better,

like, what would that be?

- If I got a good mark in the test.

- Why, Mr. Eggleston and Mr. Leonard,

all fired up for tomorrow's total humiliation?

Sorry, maths test.

- You realise there have been a number of serious complaints

regarding your reckless use of sarcasm?

- Sure.

I'm so sorry...

Not.

- Take him back to his cell.

- I pulled some women's magazines out of the library,

that were full of handy hints about pashminas and bras.

So if we can photocopy a whole side of these articles,

I can engage with Mum one on one.

- Boy.

- What?

- Boy.

- What?

- Dr. Squasher's maths test, with all the answers!

- Show me!

No, no, wait.

No, we can't look at it.

That's cheating.

- I know we can't, that's cheating.

- What're you doing?

- Making a copy.

- You can't do that, that's cheating!

- I know it is!

- What're you doing?

- Another copy for you.

- I don't want a copy, that's cheating!

- This is like a gift from god,

which is like my dad's boss, which means,

sometime in my life, I must've done something

very, very good, and I didn't even know I did it!

- No, Egg, Egg, you don't understand.

We can't cheat in Squasher's maths test,

that's like crossing a line!

- Lockie, Lockie, Lockie, Lockie,

let's talk about that line for just one moment.

This side of the line, good things, nirvana,

the land of milk and honey.

Ms. Lovett's Opportunity Class for Gifted High Achievers.

This side of the line, old Squasher.

This side of the line, good!

This side of the line,

very bad!

Good!

Bad!

This side of the line,

brainiac girls will fight to sit next to you.

- Vicki Streeton, I know.

- This side of the line, mother's weeping with joy.

This side of the line,

brave smiles.

"I know you did your best, son".

- Egg nailed it.

A good result on the test would make Mum

feel a heck of a lot better about everything.

And right now, Mum needed all the help she could get.

- How's your daughter developing?

Crawling yet?

- Um, no.

- Right, but she's rolling over, propping herself up,

that kind of thing?

You know, becoming increasingly active and aware?

- Um, no.

She's a bit of a Blob, really.

- What's her name?

- Blob.

Barbara, her name's Barbara, we just call her Blob

because she doesn't really do anything.

- Is Barbara feeding well?

- Yes, yes, can't stop her eating!

What does Barbara like to eat?

- Her favourite?

That would have to be the lino.

She loves eating the lino.

Sometimes wallpaper, sofa.

Well, she enjoys all the household furnishings, really.

- Well, praise the lord and hallelujah,

that's something to be grateful for.

Do I get anything to eat?

Or is that way too much trouble for everyone?

- Okay, here's the situation.

I brought the stupid bit of paper home with me, but so far,

I haven't been able to bring myself to look at it.

Meanwhile, the rest of the family,

knowing how pathetic I was at math,

are lining up to tell me that whatever happened

I wouldn't lose their respect.

- You know, don't you Lockie,

my love for you will never depend

on some silly old maths test.

And besides!

What we know about boys and maths?

- Maybe we should get the old Phillip

to give you a bit of last minute coaching?

I know he's three years younger and in primary school,

but gee whiz, he knows how to make those figures fly.

- I have better things to do than waste my time

with a boy who is incapable of even grasping

the simplest of mathematical concepts.

Don't you have any desire to make use of your pitiful brain?

- Phillip, you know what happens to people who use sarcasm.

- To cheat, or not to cheat?

This is the question being asked all across Angelus.

- Yes, Geoff?

Just wondering how the sermon was going.

You know?

Sun-Sunday?

- Since you asked,

I think I might go a bit of Old Testament.

You know, fire and brimstone.

Be sure if you are sinning, he'll find you out

kind of thing.

Do the right thing, or you'll be afflicted with boils

and eternal torment.

And then wrap up with a couple gags and a song, and get off.

- That should turn a few lives around.

Not.

- Lockie, get out of here!

- Sorry Blob!

- Hey, Lockie.

You know how I'm not real,

but I know everything you think and do?

- Yeah?

- Well, I think that because you're a boy

and boys always do really stupid things, like all the time,

I think whatever you decide to do about the test,

it's going to end up really horribly, and hurt Mum.

- Gee, thanks Blob.

- And keep your hands off my lino!

- Night Lockie!

- Night Mum!

Night Sarge!

- Night Albert Einstein!

- Goodnight Mr. Squasher!

Sleep well!

- Thank you!

Goodnight Mrs. Eggelston!

- Goodnight Mr. Squasher!

Goodnight Phillip!

- Goodnight Mrs. Eggelston!

Goodnight all!

- Goodnight Phillip!

- Next morning, before school,

I went for a surf.

I've always found that when it's just you, alone,

with the sky and the ocean,

your problems are all diminished

and the answers become crystal clear.

Well, most of the time.

You're really gonna cheat?

- Do right!

My ticket out of here.

Fork in the road, to the victors, the spoils.

See look.

There's the line. - Hey.

I understand about the line.

- I've got the answers stuffed in my shoe.

What about you?

- Same.

- This side of the line,

you'll find the land of milk and honey.

This side of the line, old Squasher.

24/7.

- I've always known that one day

Lockie would do something that would make me

the happiest Mum in the world.

- You may begin the mathematics test.

Today's show and tell, and we'll be locking at

- I did it, I cheated!

We'll both get top marks!

- Really?

That's very good.

Well done.

- What?

- I, um...

I choked.

Sorry mate, I couldn't go through with it!

- I only did it because you said you were going to do it!

- Yeah, but, you see, I'm in a tricky situation.

My dad's the minister. - Well my dad's the cop!

You think that's any better than you for me?

- I stared temptation in the face, and put it all behind me.

I feel strangely cleansed.

- These test results, I must say, are unusual,

even extraordinary.

And were it not for my long years of achievement

as a teacher of the finest quality,

I'd suggest they'd beg a belief.

Leonard.

Stand and accept the praise that is your due.

Scoring- - 37%!

You've made me the happiest Mum in the world!

Who needs girls when I've got

a master mathematician?

- G'day, Mum, my pleasure.

- This makes no sense!

It defies all known logic!

- What a hero!

You don't think you're gonna get away with this, do you?

- Mum.

We have to talk, now.

Okay, so this is interesting.

What we're seeing here is the worst moment of my life.

Rock bottom, bar none.

- Clean wrap over the toilet seat.

Fair enough.

I'll even accept waving school at a pinch

of the surf's up when the ocean's calling your name.

But cheating, Lockie.

That strikes at the very core

of what this family believes in.

- There's nothing I can say, Sarge.

- We had a contract, an unwritten contract.

You were my son, and I trusted you.

Now I feel as if we've crossed a line.

- No Sarge, not the line again!

- Was it us, Mum?

Did we get things so terribly wrong?

- No guys, please, don't blame yourselves.

I just thought that if Mum thought I was good at maths

then it would make up for me not being a girl.

- Lockie.

I told you, I love the kids that I have.

The order in which they were born,

and the flaws they were each born with,

which, by the way, I accept full and total responsibility.

- I'll make it up, I promise!

Okay, if you don't want to see Lockie Leonard,

age 12 and three-quarters bawling his eyes out,

I'd turn away now.

- I know someone you need to make it up to, Lockie.

Big time.

- Goodbye, Ms. Lovett.

Farewell land of milk and honey, and brainiac girls.

It didn't take long for things to get back to normal.

Next test, actually. - Eggleston and Leonard.

Now I'll be the first

to offer both of you

my heartiest commiserations

as you fail and fail abysmally.

Indeed, I'm feeling misty-eyed with nostalgia.

Quite like old times, Leonard.

- Yeah!