Original subtitles

RADIO: Silver Maid keeping ahead in front of Dasher and Boy Blue.

But the favourite, Red Dice, is now lengths behind. He's right out of it.

Inside the last furlong, and Dasher's taken it up! Moving through very smoothly.

Silver Maid hanging on to second place. And at the post, it's Dasher from Silver Maid...

Well, did it win?

That nag should be going into hospital, not you!

Bad luck. I wonder who won the baby stakes.

Oh!

Supposing I'd been on it! (Tuts)

Ah! Where do I go?

- Hey! I can walk, you know. - Nobody walks in 'ere.

- Any chance of walking out? - We've got to do the job proper.

- Over here, Mr York. - Right, nurse.

- Thanks for the ride, boys. - Give us a write-up in the papers.

- Will you get into bed, please? - I um...didn't have time to get my pyjamas.

Oh, that's all right. You won't need any just now.

Thanks.

- What's he got, then, Mick? - Appendicitis.

Ten days' job.

Cor blimey! Only ten days.

When I think how easily that could have been avoided, I could kick myself, I tell you.

Did you hear what I said then?

I said I could kick myself!

Kick myself, with that on, I said!

I think that's very funny, Mick! Don't you, Mick? (Laughs raucously)

- Hello, Mick. - Hello, Mr Able.

- There you are. - What's that? A shroud?

No, an operating gown.

(Buzzer)

(Impatient buzzing)

Your turn.

Yes, Colonel?

I want to see that ward orderly chap - Mick.

You can't. It's our job to answer the buzzer, not his.

You've only been here half a day and you've called us a dozen times for no good reason.

Now, do try and remember the buzzer's only for emergencies.

- This is an emergency. - What kind of an emergency?

Every time Mick comes in here, he stays too long. I don't know what you find to talk about.

I dare say you don't. There's some things we men talk about it's better for women not to know.

- I can imagine that. - I doubt it, young lady. I doubt it.

Well, what do you want him for?

What can he do for you that I can't? Tell me that.

Ho-ho-ho! Don't tempt me, girl. Just tell Mick I want him, would you, please?

All right. Just this once.

(Knocking)

Ah, Mick, my boy. That's right, shut the door.

- Now then, dictation. Got your notebook? - Yes, sir.

Good. Here we are, then.

Bob each way, the Black Prince.

That's the 3:30 at Chepstow.

Black Prince, 3:30 at Chepstow.

Half a dollar to win, Rambler.

R-A-M-B-L-E-R.

Now that's the 4:15 at Redcar.

4:15, Redcar.

- That's all, I think. - Right, Colonel.

Well, you just settle down, Colonel. I'll wait for the results.

- Oh, get me 20 Player's, would you, please? - Yes, sir.

- Don't bother about that. - (Clears throat)

- Good afternoon. Name? - Oh. Good afternoon. York. Edward York.

- Address? - 24 Passiondale Avenue.

- Age? - 35.

- Occupation? - News...paper reporter.

- Relax. - I was covering the baby show.

- Next of kin? - No.

Religion?

Which lot has the best record of recovery?

I'm very busy. Come along, now. C of E?

- False teeth? - No.

- Glass eye? - No!

And before you go any further, the rest of me is my own!

Sign, please. Consent for general anaesthetic.

- Ooh! - Relax.

- Hello. I'm Mick. - Hi, Mick.

- What's her trouble? - Oh, night starvation.

- Going to shave you. - Shave?

My appendix isn't on my face!

I'm not going to shave your face!

(Impatient buzzing)

- Yes, Colonel? - I'm all crumby!

If you will stuff yourself with those crumbly biscuits...

Well, I have to have some pleasure, damn it.

Hop out and I'll take the crumbs away.

- Where's that fella Mick got to? - He's doing something for Sister.

Can I help?

Not unless you know what won the 4:15 at Redcar, you can't.

- Oh, you and your racing. All right, get in. - Thank you.

Oh, I wish you wouldn't eat those biscuits!

I eat biscuits, my girl, to calm my nerves.

Rambler won it. 3-1.

- Comfy now? - Yes.

Rambler, do you say?

Hoo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha! Good old Rambler!

(Chuckles) Oh, we'll have a new one now.

- Ooph! - I warned you.

Thank you.

- Sister... - I'm not a sister, I'm a staff nurse.

Oh? How do I tell the difference?

Student nurses wear big hats. We call them butterflies.

- You call them what? - Butterflies.

-Ah, I like that. - They don't.

And staff nurses wear these. Got it?

Yes. I think you're wonderful.

Relax, Mr York.

Oh!

Nurse Dawson! Is it your intention to wreck my ward?

- Wh-who are you? - I'm a nurse.

You're in hospital, but you're all right.

(Sighs)

- Let's have a beer. - You can't have a beer, Mr York.

She'll give me a beer. I'll go...

Cor!

- Somebody stabbed me! - Lie still, you've got a drain in you.

Now that you've made my bed...you can lie on it!

- Mmm! - Why, Mr York!

Mr York!

Oh, I'm sorry, Staff. I was just trying to get Mr York to settle down.

- For life? - Lovely!

(Laughs deliriously)

When you're on night duty, nurse, always carry a couple of sleeping pills with you.

There isn't always time to go and fetch them.

Yes, Staff. Thank you.

Buck up, there's another patient coming in.

Cor, what a place.

Bath, sluice room, sterili... Jane!

Look, my hand's all right. I keep telling everybody. I don't have to come here.

(Impatient buzzing) - All you need is just to rub it.

I don't like this place at all. There's lights, and bells, and buzzers...

Come on, babe.

Excuse me, miss. I think there's been a bit of a mistake.

- I don't have to stay here, you see. - Through there, please.

I'm not going in. It's full of sick people. I'll catch something.

You've already got something. Go in!

Ah. Mr Bishop? Come in, will you, please?

Now, will you please get into bed?

Look er...miss, I'm quite all right, you see.

I've sprained my wrist in a fight before. All I need is a bit of the old massage.

- Your X-ray shows a dislocation and fracture. - Well, the X-ray's wrong.

- It's just a sprain. - Shall I give you a hand?

No, that won't be necessary, thanks.

- Bernie, you do as you're told. - Yeah, but the point is, all...

(Sighs) I don't know.

All right, darling.

Kiss the baby for me.

Now, Mr Bishop, will you sit down, please?

Hey! Mr Hickson!

- Mr Hickson! - Hm?

What? What?

Bernie Bishop's just come in. The boxer. He's hurt his hand.

- What do you expect me to do? Stand... - Ssh!

Stand up and cheer?

Do me a favour, will you? Go to sleep.

Sorry. I thought you were a fan.

Let's all get a bit of peace.

This is a madhouse. I'll be glad when I get home.

Bernie Bishop, he says. Bernie... (Snorts)

Cor! What a punch, though.

He landed in Row F.

Well, don't worry. They'll soon fix that hand so that you don't roll on it when you're asleep.

- Stand up, please. - OK.

- There. - Right.

- Now... - Eh? What? What, what?

- Well, you can't sleep in those. - That's quite all right.

- I can er...take 'em off. - With one hand?

Yeah, I can manage. Thank you. You two ladies, turn your backs, please.

Good. Wait a... Hey, what's going on? You can't do...!

What a sauce! Nurse! Please!

Cor!

What a fuss about such a little thing.

(Impatient buzzing)

Come in.

- Good morning, Colonel. - It's not. No racing.

What are we going to do to amuse ourselves today, eh?

I really don't know, sir.

Not unless you're interested in a little private wager, sir.

- What are you talking about? - With me, that is.

You see, it's Matron's round today.

Well now, she usually averages about 14 minutes 10 to about 16 minutes 30 seconds

from the top of the stairs to the last bed in the ward.

- Half a crown on the nearest time to a second? - That's it.

- Are you on? - I'm on, sir.

- Got a stopwatch? - I'll get one.

- Just a moment. Don't... I want that! - I'm sorry, it's Matron's round.

- What's going on? - Matron's round.

I don't care if she's triangular.

Mick!

Mick! Mick!

The veranda! Sweep the veranda first!

Do you mind!

Oh, please! Let's get on!

- I say! You don't know what you've missed. - Don't I?

The most marvellous recipe.

Don't you worry, I shall be at it the moment I get out. It's made in a flash.

Camper's Jamboree Folly.

I have it here!

You take a couple of red raisins, two whites of eggs, one grated earphone... Earphones? Oh!

You wicked, bad girl! I shall miss the next programme.

Feudal! That's what this place is! Feudal! I could choke!

I'm studying nuclear physics, the thing of the future.

I've got an examination to pass,

and I'm delayed because a survival from the surgical Stone Age called a matron

is going to walk through here!

I could spit! I could scream!

My name's Oliver Reckitt.

You've made a mess of your hand. Industrial injury?

Er... Pardon?

Hurt it at your work?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a boxer.

How savage.

It's no more savage than what you're doing, mate.

Pressing buttons, making explosions and giving everybody horrible weather in the summer.

Come along! Come along! Come along, please!

- Yes? - Ah, good morning.

My name's Perkins, Ted York's editor.

I've just brought some things along from his digs. Can I see him?

Newspaper man, you know. Very busy at nights. I doubt if he'll get anybody.

Go along in here now, out of the way.

Ted'll never get a single visitor, you know, unless I can...

- Oh, good morning, Matron. - Good morning, Sister.

Come along, come along. We must be quick. I'm due at a meeting. Now...

- Good morning, Mr York. - Good morning.

- Everything all right, I hope? - Yes, thank you, Matron.

- Nurse? - Ssh!

- Good morning, Mr Hinton! - (Laughs raucously)

- (Continues laughing) - Mr Hinton, please!

(Continues laughing)

Argh!

Beg pardon.

You're all right.

(Laughs raucously)

(Laughing continues)

- Feeling all right today? - As well as can be expected.

If that's all there is to it, why all the fear and trembling?

You'll see. That wasn't typical. Stick around a few days.

I haven't got much choice, have I?

- Carry on, Sister. - Thank you, Matron.

- Can I come out now? - Yes, Mr Perkins. But be quick, please.

- Thank you very much. - Come along, everybody! Back to work!

Crikey, Colonel! She broke an all-time record today!

12 minutes, 20 seconds.

Now, I said er...14.2 You said 14.50.

You owe me half a crown, guv.

All right. There's the money there. Help yourself.

- I'll toss you, double or quits. - Well, I must fly, sir.

- I'm all of a rush this morning. - Blast the matron.

Listen... Hospital life from the patient's point of view.

Byline, Ted York - dateline on the spot.

A series. It's sure-fire. Look, everybody's interested in hospitals.

Look, we can't miss.

I'll run special supplements, special advertising. I'll give you a bonus.

- It's as good as written. - That's my boy.

All you've got to do is to sit here and watch and listen and write.

YORK: Now, don't forget the bonus. - I won't.

I'm sorry, you must go now, Mr Perkins.

Mr Stephens is making his round a little earlier today.

Certainly.

Don't forget, Ted. Keep it clean. Bye-bye. Bye, nurse.

What's all this about an anaesthetic? I just thought I needed a drop of the old massage.

Well, we have to manipulate your wrist, set your hand in plaster of Paris.

- The pain would be too great. - Oh, now, come on, doc, please.

I can bear any amount of pain. You just do what you have to right now.

I've read about your left hook, Mr Bishop. I've no desire to feel it.

You'd be well advised to sign.

You'll be here a week. After that, with a little luck,

you'll fight again in about three months' time.

I'm sorry, there's no quicker way.

Being in a public ward is quite an experience for me,

and a surprisingly pleasant one, I must admit.

- Mind you, of course, coddling can go too far. - Definitely.

Private enterprise - that's the ticket.

I mean, you take my house, for instance, on the er...the west side of the common.

I saw it on a Monday, brought off a deal in the City on Tuesday,

bought it on the Wednesday - cash on the nail.

Private enterprise. There is nothing like it.

Definitely. That's how I got my house.

You... You've got your own place?

Yes. The manor. West side of the common.

What, that lovely stately...? But... But... You own that?

Rent it. 23 bob a...

No, no, no, I'm a liar.

22s 9d a week, from the council.

But... But... But how?

Well, they had to give us somewhere. I've got 11 kids.

Private enterprise. Definitely.

- May I borrow your chair? - (Mumbles) Yes.

(Mouths)

- All right? - I was.

(Dramatic piano run)

- I want to talk to you. - I want to talk to you.

Oh? What about?

Yes or no today?

Well, as a matter of fact...no.

(Piano music continues)

- (Winces) - Drink it.

Urgh!

(Piano music resumes)

(Chattering)

- Good evening, Mr York. - Hello!

- Would you like a hospital visitor? - A what?

A hospital visitor. Someone who volunteers to chat with patients who have no visitors.

No, thank you.

- You visit me. - You see enough of me all day.

Hm?

Cor!

A lady referee.

Back in the land of the living, Mr Bishop?

I got the compensation form from the union, dear.

Well, it's about time. Let's fill it in.

Take my glove off first.

How do you expect to fill that thing in properly like that?

Why don't you find something to lean on?

I'll take this book.

Take this book.

Full name.

Well, don't tell me you don't know that by now.

No, it's all right, dear. I was only thinking aloud.

Oh. Block letters.

- Now, date of accident. - 27th.

- No, dear, it couldn't have been. - Look, I ought to know.

No, dear, it couldn't have been.

Because the 27th I went to see Grandma. You came to fetch me at the station.

You couldn't have done that with a broken leg, dear, could you?

- What difference does it make? - Well, it must have been the next day, then.

Oh, right. So it was the next day.

- What difference does it make? - Oh, Perc, do try and be reasonable.

Ha! Reasonable.

Well, I mean, you've got to be accurate on these things,

otherwise, well, anybody could write in and claim.

Marge, look, just you write it down, girl, eh? Just get it down, that's all.

Now... Do you expect this incapacity to last more than a week?

No, I'm er... I'm going to a dance tonight.

Oh, Perc, do help!

Well, it gives me the sick, all these daft questions!

Well, they've got to know these things, dear.

Look! I fell off a scaffolding! I broke my perishing leg!

Now what more do they want to know? My father's chest measurements?

Oh, cor blimey. Now... Now... Now, don't you start.

I can't help it.

It's too much.

You stuck in here, your leg stuck up there, and I'm all alone.

I know. With three kids.

Oh, Perc, don't!

Marge. Marge, I'm sorry. Now, don't go on like that, girl.

I get fed up, you see, stuck in here like this.

Oh, I know, I know.

It's not very easy for me, and now you won't even help to fill the form out.

It's too much, Percy. It's too much for me!

Well... Well, look, I'm sorry, girl.

I'm... I'm sorry. Percy'll kiss it better, eh?

Um... Marge, I...

You'll have to come closer, girl. You see, I... I can't move, you know.

Hm? Oh, untie my hand, nurse, will you, please?

Not yet. You might fall asleep again.

Oh, take all these screens away, nurse. I can't bear being shut in. Please.

All right.

Oh, my little boy.

Cor, you should see his right when he punches our cat.

Ooh!

Hello. I'm Jill Thompson.

Harry Thompson's sister.

Oh, yes, of course.

Do sit down, please.

Harry's sorry he couldn't get here. Well, he sent some books.

Oh, thank you.

Hm...

Problems Of Radiation.

Nuclear Physics Advanced Theory. Oh, splendid.

What's this?

Wakefield's Practical Surgery?

- Oh, Harry must have put that in by mistake. - Never mind.

Yes. It looks absorbing enough.

Yes, indeed.

You look pale, though. There's no getting away from it.

Ah, it's probably cos I can't sleep.

- Being away from you, I expect. - Ssh!

No, honest.

Well, you must sleep. Ask the doctor for something.

- Don't be silly. He can't give me what I need. - Bert!

Well!

I'm awfully sorry. I do appreciate your bringing them.

Harry told me you live for your work.

Where have we met before?

- I have a curious feeling we've met. - At home, once.

Oh, yes.

- How are you getting on? - All right, thank you.

That's good.

- Is there anything else I can bring you? - Oh, no. No, thanks.

Visiting time's nearly over. I think I'll go.

- Must you? - Perhaps I'll look in again sometime.

You might want something.

Oh, do. It's most kind.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Cor!

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Oliver.

Cor! What a way to treat your nice girlfriend.

She is not my girlfriend.

Ooh! (Chuckles)

She'd like to be, mate.

Yeah, you can take it from me. She'd like to be.

(Telephone rings)

Oh, Nurse Dawson. Visiting time's over. Ring the bell, will you?

- Yes, Sister. (Impatient buzzing)

All right, I'm coming!

(Alarm rings)

(Sirens)

Seconds out!

- Nurse Dawson. - Yes, Sister?

- I thought I told you to ring the bell. - I did, Sister.

- Then why are the visitors still here? - Well, I don't know, I...

(Approaching sirens)

Oh, crikey.

(Coughing)

What's the matter, Mr York? Can't you sleep?

Wind?

Nurse.

- Staff? - Yes?

- Sorry about last night. I was a bad boy. - Oh, I've seen worse.

- Do you like night work? - Yes.

- Nice and peaceful, eh? - Sometimes.

- Good night. - Good night.

Oh, thanks, nurse.

(Belches)

Oh, my gut!

Hello, you're early.

Sister told me to sterilise these catheters last night. It went out of my head.

- I've just got time. - You haven't. The steriliser's full.

- Oh, crikey! (Buzzer)

Don't panic. I'll put them in a kidney dish on the gas stove for you, if you'll see what he wants.

OK, thanks.

-What is it, Colonel? - Hello, you're early.

Well, anyone would think I was always four hours late.

- What can I do for you? - Dashed if I can remember.

Coming in early, you've put it right out of my head.

Suppose you buzz again when you remember. If it's important.

What do you mean, "if"? Of course it's imp... Oh, I remember!

It's my pulse, it's racing. Like I ought to be today.

- It's your imagination, Colonel. - Positively pounding, I tell you.

You're feeling the wrong place. Give it me.

- What did I tell you? - Ssh!

- Quite normal. - Impossible!

Patients aren't allowed to contradict.

Hello! You're early.

The next person says that to me, I'll spit right in their eye!

- Good morning, Nurse Dawson. You're early. - Yes, Sister. Morning, Sister.

(Impatient buzzing)

- Is it a matter of life and death, Colonel? - No, but...

Well, then, please wait!

- Morning, Matron. - Morning, Doctor.

- Good morning, Matron. - Good morning, Sister.

- Those screens are untidy, Sister. - I'll see to them at once.

- Good morning, Mr Reckitt. - Good morning, Matron.

Your temperature's behaving very oddly, I see.

Perhaps it'll settle down when I get up.

- Tomorrow, Mr Stephens said. - Good.

Don't study too hard.

I don't know any other way to absorb knowledge, Matron.

- Good morning, Mr Bishop. - Good morning, Matron.

- Mr Bishop is a boxer, Matron. - How interesting.

- And how did this unfortunate accident occur? - Oh, it was in a fight.

The fourth round of an eliminating contest. I'm a contender, you see.

Well, the bell goes, so I comes out my corner like the clappers.

- The clappers? - That is a boxing term, I believe, Matron.

How very interesting.

Yeah. Well, I gave him a couple of lefts... like that, you know. Right in the gut.

I could have shook hands with his spine. His guard dropped,

so I clocked him, dead on the button. That was the end of the bout.

Broke my hand.

Well, Mr Bishop, I hope you recover like...the clappers.

Well, thanks very much, missus. Er...Matron. Very nice.

(Sniffs)

(Sniffs)

Phwoo!

(Sniffs)

(Sniffs)

- Cor! What a stink! - The cook appears to be improving.

- Sister, investigate that odour. - Yes, certainly, Matron.

Ow! Ow!

(Coughs)

You idiot!

Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry, Sister.

You really are a complete fool, aren't you? And during Matron's round, too.

Go into my office and wait for me!

Oh!

Everything's quite all right now, Matron.

Nurse Dawson, how dare you burst in like that!

Oh, just a minute!

- Ruddy thing! - It's Matron's round!

Well, mine's a pint! (Laughs)

- (Clears throat) - Nurse, what is it? I told you to wait in my office.

I did, Sister. There was a phone call. Emergency admission.

Very well. Carry on, nurse.

We shall just have room. Mr Jackson's going home today.

I wonder whether perhaps...

I'm quite capable of continuing my round alone, Sister.

Oh, thank you very much, Matron.

(Clattering)

Nurse Dawson!

Are you training for nursing or demolition?

(Impatient buzzing) - I'm sorry, Sister.

- Yes, Colonel? - I heard a crash. What's going on?

- Oh, nothing. - Staff Nurse!

Staff Nurse!

Oh, I can never find you when I want you.

- What did you want, Sister? - An emergency admission.

- Yes, Sister? What sort of case? - What?

- Stupid Nurse Dawson didn't get the details. - Shall I telephone, Sister?

I'm quite capable of making a telephone call for myself, thank you, Staff Nurse.

Please get Mr Jackson's bed ready for the admission.

Yes, Sister.

Been starving yourself, Mr Gray?

Couldn't eat. Such pain...last night.

Good. That means we don't have to starve you and I can operate that much sooner.

Nurse. I'll operate tonight.

Yes, Mr Stephens.

- What's all this in aid of, nurse? - Massage. To prevent bed sores.

Oh, yeah?

Getting to the bottom of the trouble, eh?

That's right.

Ooh!

Ah. Lovely.

(Giggles)

Whoa!

- Anything wrong? - Oh, no, no, no. Very nice, thank you.

Whoo!

Phew!

(Chattering)

Janey... Supposing I couldn't ever fight again?

Just suppose.

Deep down, would you really be pleased?

Well, I... I don't like you fighting.

Sometimes I can hardly bear to look.

But you're happy when you're pushing someone's face into the middle of next week.

And I like to see you happy.

So you get that hand better and come out fighting.

I'm glad I married you, Jane.

I've got a surprise for you.

- Pickled red cabbage? - It's not red, it's ginger.

- My manager! - I'll send him along.

What a pity I'm not allowed to bring the children.

- Yes, it's allowed in the private wards. - Oh, well, we couldn't afford that.

- Hush. - What?

Oh, nothing.

Rhoda, dear, do try to say pardon, not what.

Sorry, Henry. Do you like this?

What? I mean, pardon?

- Oh, yes. Oh, very nice. Yes. - For when you come home.

I bought it with our divvy from the Co-op.

Rhoda, please!

- What's the matter, dear? - Oh, never mind.

Any other news?

Ooh! We've had a letter from the building society.

Rhoda!

- Ginge! - Bernie!

Norm as well! (Chuckles)

Come on in.

Well, how are you, Bernie boy?

You look great. Just great, son. Great.

Well, give him the flowers, then. You'll choke 'em gripping 'em like that.

Ta. Ta, Norm, my old sparring partner.

- How are you, mate? - Yeah, fine.

Yeah, he's fine.

No-one will ever know how I suffered when you busted your hand like that, Bernie boy.

'Ey, Ginger, why haven't you come in here to see me before now?

Well, as it happens, I have got a reason for coming to see you.

That is, a reason over and above my natural, warm and human concern

as a manager for one of my boys.

I am a showman. But I have an unpleasant duty to perform.

I have come here to give you a thick ear.

I won, didn't I? This was an accident, you know, but I beat him.

- Too true, you won. Too flippin' fast, you won. - But I had him beat.

What do you expect me to do? Dance the cha-cha for five rounds?

You're being flippant, but I'm glad to see you've got the right idea.

- I don't understand. - You don't understand.

I'm a showman. That's what you've got to be.

You've reached the stage now where you're right in the public eye.

What you need is a gimmick.

- Gimmick? - Gimmick.

Belt up! Yeah, a gimmick.

Something the public associates with you alone.

You remember Frisco Freddie. You remember Frisco.

- Frisco, yeah. - Yeah, that's right.

He was a boxer who used to ride punches all the time.

Exactly. He used to ride 'em. Ride 'em. The crowd loved it.

Yeah, well, look, I could do that.

'Ere, Norm. You used to train with Frisco, didn't you?

- You used to train with Frisco, didn't you? - That's right.

Well, come on, then! Let's show Bern how you used to spar with Frisco.

'Ere. I tell you, it was marv... He was just like a ballet dancer.

And he used to punch...

Hold that. Right, easy now.

Punch, ride. Punch, ride.

Punch, ride. Punch, ride. He used to ride the lot, he did.

Until he was ready, and then...bosh!

Knocked 'em cold, it did!

- Nurse! - Nurse.

Just a minute, Mr York.

- Hello. What's that? - For your bowels. Sit down, please.

- Have you um...given one of these before? - Oh, good gracious! Hundreds.

Get it down, now.

Other end, nurse.

Never mind. With a face like mine, it's a mistake anyone might make.

Persecution! That's what it is, persecution!

- I shall write to the Minister for Health. - Never mind, you'll live through it.

It's a miracle you do!

You all ought to strike! One day, that's all it would take.

One day, and the nursing profession would advance a hundred years.

Why don't you organise a march to Downing Street?

And Sister Anna will carry the banner.

Oh! The whole fat-headed farce makes me puke!

There. That's you settled.

Settled? Huh! I feel about as settled as an active volcano.

(Quirky orchestral music)

(Trombone music)

(Drum roll)

(Triangle pings)

Please don't lie on top of the bed clothes. Matron's rule.

- Oh, sorry. - In bed or out, but never on.

- Do please try and remember. - OK, OK.

- Everything all right, Mr Bishop? - Fine thanks, Matron.

- My hand's getting better. Sort of knitting. - Excellent. Keep up the good work.

Everything all right, Mr Reckitt?

Medically, yes, Matron. Otherwise, no.

This is my first day out of bed.

I have to move about, I am told, yet rest when tired.

As I have stitches in my stomach, all movement is painful.

Oh, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about that, Mr Reckitt.

I realise that, Matron.

I wonder, though, if you could satisfy my curiosity on one point.

I will try. What is the point, Mr Reckitt?

Why must I endure the extra pain of getting into and out of bed

when I can rest just as effectively lying on top of the bedclothes?

I don't like to see men lying about. It makes the ward look untidy.

I see. It isn't a medical rule.

I don't see what that has to do with it.

I'll explain, Matron.

If a doctor asks me to hang by one arm from the ceiling,

wearing an aqualung, with my birthday tattooed on my left buttock in shorthand, I'll do it.

He aims to cure me.

Your rule has nothing to do with my cure. Therefore, it has no meaning in here.

- Mr Reckitt... - Excuse me.

I wish to rest.

Sorry, Matron. I thought your round was over.

I'm so sorry...

Sister, this ward is the slackest in the hospital. And the untidiest.

- Oh, but Matron... - See that all the beds are remade at once.

- All the beds? - I think you heard what I said, Sister.

Good morning.

Staff Nurse, this ward's a disgrace! You have no control over the nurses.

- But, Sister! - It's time we had a little discipline!

- Remake all the beds. - The beds?

Beds, beds, beds! Are you deaf? B-E-D-S! Go and do it at once! Now!

- Yes, Sister. (Door slams)

Nurse Axwell! Nurse Axwell!

- Yes, Staff? - Come here.

- Get new bedclothes for the whole ward. - Today?

Not tomorrow, not Christmas, but today.

T-O-D-A-Y! Today!

Nurse Dawson!

- Nurse Dawson! - Yes?

- Yes what? - Yes, nurse.

- Get you! - Oh, you're so rude, you student nurses!

- Come and help me get fresh linen. - But this isn't the day for...

One more word out of you and I'll report you! Now come along!

Yes, nurse.

- Ooh! - Oh, you clumsy great oaf!

- Well, look who's talking! - Oh!

- Ah, good morning. - Good morning.

- Got any fruit bars? - No. I've got a sliced nut.

Come to the right place to have it mended! (Laughs)

Oh, dear.

- Sit down, Mr York. - Ah, hello.

I wanted to a...

- How am I doing? - Both up slightly.

Any idea why?

- You know, nursing training is right out of date. - What do you mean?

Well, they should have taught you that there isn't always a medical reason for a fast pulse.

- Hello, chaps! - Mr Bell?

Ding-dong, you're not wrong.

This way, please.

Hello. Hello.

Get into bed, Mr Bell.

I say, nurse. I'm going to be in and out of here inside a few days.

- Surely I don't have to go to bye-byes. - In!

Oh, what a bore.

Oh, well, you're the governor.

BELL: What's the matter with him? NURSE: Mrs Dale's Diary.

(Impatient buzzing) - Tails.

You lose.

Every five minutes. He's becoming impossible!

Well?

There's a big, annoying lump in my bed.

There is. I mean, there is?

- Where's that fellow Mick? - He's not allowed in here, and you know it.

If Sister catches him putting on bets for you, we'll all be sacked.

Get a telephone installed in here and I can do it myself.

What do you think this is, an hotel?

- Hey um...Oliver? - Mm?

I've been meaning to ask you.

Was it the anaesthetic, or did I really see a real nice girl come to visit you the other night?

- Hm? - A girl.

- Did I see a girl come to see you? - Yes.

Very nice too, eh?

(Chuckles) You're a lucky fella.

- What? - I said you're a lucky bloke.

What on earth are you talking about?

(Laughs) Oh, never mind.

Urgh!

It's very kind of you to show me the way, Mr Stephens.

Oh, I like to make newcomers feel thoroughly at home.

Thank you again.

We must have a drink together tonight. To celebrate your first case.

- Must we? - But of course.

We've a lot to talk about.

- Such as? - Why, surgery, of course.

You're too kind. And optimistic.

- I might botch the case. - Oh, you won't.

Good luck.

- (Wolf-whistles) - Good afternoon, Dr Winn.

Good afternoon, Staff Nurse. Mr Bell's arrived, I believe?

This way, Doctor.

- Good afternoon, Mr Bell. - Good afternoon.

- Hallux valgus. Straight out of the book, nurse. - Yes, Doctor.

I'll operate tomorrow morning.

- Nothing to eat for you today, Mr Bell. - Of course not, darling. Er...doctor.

Thank you, nurse.

- Wow! - Ravishing.

She can take out my drain any time.

Phwoar! She's all the compensation I'd want.

(Chuckles) Cor! How about a couple of rounds with her, eh?

Winner take all.

The sex-mad fools!

Anyone for water?

Hey, Mick! Where have you been hiding Dr Winn?

Yeah, why wasn't we done by her, then?

Oh, she's new and junior. Only handling simple cases for a while.

What have you got, Mr Bell?

- A hallux valgus. - Oh, a bunion.

Cor blimey! Do you mean he gets her for a bunion?

(Knocks) Yes, Colonel?

Sorry to be a nuisance, my dear, but my bandage has slipped.

That's all right.

Well, I ought to know. It's flapping about like a flag at half-mast.

- Any idea what won the 2:30? - None at all.

What? I thought you were interested in racing.

All I'm interested in is getting you settled so I can get on with something more important.

- Oh, dear. Aren't I important? - As a patient, yes.

As a congenital gambler, no.

My dear girl, your values are all wrong. It ought to be the other way round.

- What, the bandage? - No, no. You know what I mean.

- Where's Mick? - He's busy.

- He won't be too busy to come and see me. - If he's any sense, he will.

- There. Is that better? - Yes. Thank you very much indeed.

Oh, nurse, don't forget about Mick, will you?

(Chuckles) I love 'em.

There you are, poppet. To celebrate tomorrow, when it's all over.

Oh, Megsy, you're a darling.

- Anything else I can bring you? - Only yourself, sweetie.

Every single day.

- How's my car? - Oh, not to worry, darling.

I took it in for servicing and it'll be all ready in time for our little trip.

I booked secluded little hotels all along our route.

- Separate rooms, of course. - Oh, just think of it.

A whole week together in er...separate rooms.

Oh, wacko.

Starting one week from now.

You're sure your silly old bunion will be settled by then?

Megsy, darling, everything will be settled by then.

Oh, Jack.

- Hey, Janey, I wonder if he'll forget me. - Of course not.

Oh, I don't know. Kids do, you know.

- I heard of a case once. - Not in these few days, silly.

- Is there anything you want? - Yeah. Pickled red cabbage.

- I don't know if you'd be allowed. - Of course I would.

My hand's got nothing to do with my belly, has it?

- Well, I'll ask the sister anyway. - Oh, don't go now.

I have to, darling. I've left the baby with Mrs Williams.

Oh, yeah. Oh, well.

Give him a kiss from me, will you?

See you tomorrow.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

- Expecting her, Oliver? - Of course not.

I've got far more important things to worry about than entanglements.

It's so sensible having afternoon visiting on half-day closing.

Mind you, I expect I could get away from work anyway.

Rhoda, my dear, keep your voice down, dear.

No need to let everyone know you go to work.

Oh, really, Henry. If I didn't know you better, sometimes I'd think you were a snob!

I really would! (Chuckles)

You're sure you asked for something to make you sleep?

Yes, love. Gonna have it tonight.

- Senacol, or Sinacol, or something. - Oh, that's a relief.

I'd rather have a pint of old and mild. I told 'em too, but they don't know anything.

- Oh, Bert. - Well, they don't!

Miss Thompson. I was just thinking about you.

- Oh, were you? - I've been thinking about you constantly.

- Miss Thom... Jill, tell me something. - I've been thinking of you too.

Ever since you came to our house. But Harry said you'd no time for girls.

Your brother will be a marvellous doctor someday,

but he knows very little about the human heart.

- Oh, Oliver! - Jill!

- I brought you some nougat. - Nougat?

- Don't you like it? - I love it.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

We like the same things.

(Bell rings)

Oh, I hate to go. There's so much I want to say.

- Visit me again, every day. Promise? - Promise.

- Jill. - Oliver.

I told ya! She's stuck on ya!

(Knock) - Come in!

Nurse Nightingale reporting, Staff.

- I've been sent here by Night Sister. - Oh, yes.

We have to special a patient. Mr Mayhew.

- Have you worked on a surgical ward before? - No, Staff.

I'm on first-year nights. I've only been on Women's Medical so far.

Come with me.

Now, listen. This is a gastrectomy patient.

He's lost a lot of blood and he's having a blood transfusion.

While he's unconscious, all you have to do is see that the needle doesn't come out.

- Yes, Staff. - And don't leave him.

If there's anything you want to know, if you're in any sort of doubt,

just press that button and Nurse James or I will be along.

I understand. Leave it to me, Staff.

I thought you'd like some tea. This is a very boring job.

Thanks, nurse.

(Bell)

Staff...

..he's dead.

(Snores softly)

Stand by. It's going to be that sort of a night.

Nurse!

I think I feel sick.

Hold it.

(Bell)

Now, sit up.

Staff, he opened his eyes!

Really?

Yes, opened and closed them. Just like this.

Very interesting. If it happens again, just call me.

- I'd like to see that. - You would?

(Sighs)

Oh, really!

What can you expect, eating filthy stuff like this?

It wasn't that. It was that compost heap we had for supper.

- I shall write to my MP. - You do that.

Do you feel better now?

(Hiccups)

When are we going to get a new sluice, Staff? That old thing...

Never mind about the sluice. Go and have a look at Mr Able.

He's on Sinacol. One never knows how it's going to take some people.

- I thought it only affected old men peculiarly. - Well, in here, they age fast.

Mr Able!

(Chuckles)

- Are you feeling all right, Mr Able? - Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I'm going for a swim.

- Oh, no, you settle down. Get back into bed. - No, you settle down.

- Now where's the sea? - Argh!

Ho, ho, ho, ho! Take that. That's right.

- (Hiccups) - Impertinence!

(Impatient buzzing)

- What the devil's going on? - Nothing!

- Mr Able! - Get your clothes off, girl.

You can't swim with your clothes on. Come along now.

Look! Look! Look!

Look there! A mermaid!

(Giggles hysterically)

Ha-ha!

Look out, he's coming back.

Streamers!

- Streamers! - (Hiccups)

Streamers!

Streamers! Streamers!

(Buzzing)

- What the blue blazes is going on? - Nothing, Colonel.

Nothing, indeed. I'll jolly well go and find out.

Ow!

Ooh, lovely, girls!

My leg! My flaming leg!

- No! No! - Allow me, nurse, please.

- Mr Bishop! - It's all right, I used my left.

What about my perishing leg?

- Are you all right? - Yes, thank you.

Look, I hope I haven't hurt him.

- Go back to bed, Mr Bishop. - OK.

Nurse, call the houseman to look at Mr Able's jaw.

- Colonel, will you go back to bed this minute! - I haven't had time to lay the odds.

Now, then, Mr Hickson. What's happened to you?

Nothing, nurse. I always sleep like this.

I'll soon get you that meal.

He's fine. He'd like some steak and chips.

You can have a little sterile water...for breakfast.

Now, lie still and don't let that needle slip. Understand?

Yes, nurse.

Come out of here now.

- See that man over there without any trousers? - Oh, yes.

- Well, get some on him and put him to bed. - Yes, Staff.

(Hiccups)

(Hiccups)

(Hiccups)

Fingers in ears.

- This is ridi...(Hiccups)..culous. - Drink.

- I've done it, Staff. - Good.

- (Hiccups) - Take over here.

- Fingers in ears, please. - I can't.

- Come on, now. - I think I'm going to be sick again!

(Hiccups)

- Is Mr Able's jaw broken? - I hope not.

You said it was going to be that kind of a night.

Excuse me. Oh, he's perfectly all right, Staff. Just a drop or two.

Oh, good show!

- Argh! - The daft old sluice!

Oh!

It's different from the one in Women's Medical, Staff!

Wetter, would you say? Go and change.

I can't, Staff!

I can't see to get to the nurses' home.

My spectacles have gone down the sluice!

Nurse, will you take Nurse Nightingale to the nurses' home?

Yes, Staff.

Thank you.

- Now, when do I have my injection? - Just as soon as they tell me to give it to you.

Oh, the waiting. The uncertainty. The starvation.

- Oh, God! - Oh, don't be such a baby.

- Your op's nothing to worry about. - My only worry is I won't get it.

Supposing I lose another day. Oh, Jiminy, what a flaming muddle.

Ah, Mr Bell. Back into bed at once. You're on this afternoon's list.

Sister! I could kiss you!

Ho-ho!

- Mr Bell! - Ding-dong, carry on.

I say, fellows! What do you know?

Tonight, they're talking about the Health Service in At Home And Abroad.

Oh, I say. What jolly fun.

Isn't it, Percival? And guess what?

Last year, the whole thing cost 585 million pounds!

Get out of it! I don't believe it.

The man just said so.

I tell you, it's impossible!

Ask him again.

I say, would you mind repeating that...

(Laughs) You know, I nearly did!

Nurse! Oh, you haven't injected Mr Bell. Thank goodness.

He can't be operated on today. We have eight emergencies coming. Road smash.

Eight? That makes my bunion look a bit silly.

- Oh, you'd better put your pyjamas back on. - Yes.

Well, no. I say, nurse, can't they squeeze me in? I've simply got to be done today.

I'm surprised at you. I didn't think you'd be so selfish.

Selfish? If you knew what depended... Oh, by Jiminy!

Look, I've got a whole schedule. The bunion can wait. I can't.

I'm going to discharge myself. Ooh!

But you can't do that! If anything happens to you...

- What could happen from a bunion? - You never know.

- An article in the Nursing Mirror... - I don't want to hear.

Well, don't do anything hasty. You think about it.

I say, nurse...could I have something to eat?

Where do you think you're going, Mr York?

- America? - I'm applying for a job. What's your problem?

Oh, I er... I want the bath.

Suppose you fall with the drain in you. No, Mr York. Back to bed, please.

But it's been six days now! I've been picked up twice by radar.

Please let me have a bath. I'll be careful.

Nurse Dawson!

YORK: America, that's um...

- Yes, Staff? - See that Mr York doesn't fall over in the bath.

Look, I don't think I...

- Not undressed yet? - I think I'll just have a good wash.

If Staff says you're to have a bath, you have a bath.

- Look, I... - Oh, you baby!

- Shall I help you get undressed? - No!

Oh, come along, come along. We haven't all day.

Well?

Right?

(Chuckles) To think I called you a baby!

For the first time in my life, I can't think of anything to say.

Neither can I.

- Wonderful, isn't it? - Yes.

- Darling, why can't you be done tonight? - I told you, darling. The theatres are in use.

- They're not. I just passed them both. - Ah!

So they finished the emergencies earlier, eh? Hm... Well, bully for them.

Look, it's only a bunion. I'm going to discharge myself.

No, I told you, I won't allow that. Your health comes first.

I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to you.

Besides, I shouldn't enjoy our little trip one little bit for the worry.

Now promise me.

Oh, all right, darling.

It's only one day, I suppose. I'm being done tomorrow. And being starved today.

Oh, Megsy, darling. Give me a bite.

Jack, whatever's come over you?

I'm... I'm just hungry, that's all.

- Why, what's the matter with you? - Nothing's the matter with me, Jack. I'm all right.

Tell me. Are you serious about going to America?

Is that really your concern, Mr York?

Yes.

Let me warn you. Hospitals have a strange effect on most men.

They imagine... well, they think they're in love with the nurses.

It happens every week to every nurse.

I don't think it's imagination.

You do.

We'll have to find out who's right.

Before you go to America.

Right now, I'm going back inside. I think you ought to do the same.

- Hello, what have you got there? - What? Oh.

Hey, help me and the boys kill these. I'm just in the mood.

(Slurred) It's no good, I've simply got to dance.

# La, la, la, la, la

# La, la, la, la, la, la

# La, la, la... - Oh, shut up and sit down.

JACK: Do you want Sister to catch us?

Clumsy beast. Might have broken my arm off.

(Slurred) I could have set it for you, Mr Hinton.

It's easy.

All in this book.

Wakefield's Practical Surgery. Fascinating.

That book. What's it say about bunions?

Page 275.

It's as easy as winking.

Do-it-yourself surgery.

Easy as drinking. Winking.

Do mine.

What? Who? Me?

Well, you said you could do it.

I'm a nucl... A nu...

I'm not a doctor.

Look, it's all science. You've got a book.

Surely a man of your brains could knock off a little elementary thing like a bunion?

Well, supposing I did.

What would you tell the hospital people, with your bunion gone?

Well, I'd... I'd just say it disappeared in the middle of the night.

- Pftt! Just like that. - They'd write you up in the Lancet.

I don't care if they stick me on the cover of the Police Gazette,

so long as I get my snogging in as planned.

But this loud-mouthed windbag won't help me.

He drinks my bubbly - oh, yes - but he won't remove my bunion.

How could I? What about an operating theatre?

Both theatres are free.

All right. I'll try.

Oh, dear.

- Hello! ALL: Hello.

- Hello, Mick, we're just having a little party. - Well, make the most of it.

- Why? Is something up? - Only Matron's blood pressure.

After last night's little riot.

Well, tonight she's posting a nurse to sit in the ward.

All night.

Just to keep an eye on you lot.

- Good night. - Good night, Mick.

Well, what a pity.

We won't be able to do it now.

Got to stay in the ward.

Wait a minute. Now listen, boys.

Strategy. Now, if there's one thing I did learn in the ring, it's strategy.

How to turn a disadvantage to your advantage.

- Well, you're not in the ring now, so shut up. - Oh, please! Do you mind, Oliver?

Now look. Gather round, lads.

You too, doc. Come over here. Come on, come on, come on.

Now look, here's what we do. This nurse could be our strategic opportunity.

(Yelps)

- Nurse? - Er...sir.

Right, wash his feet with ether soap. That's the green liquid.

(Groans)

Now listen, chaps.

Antiseptic liquid soap, green. There it is.

No, I wasn't serious. It was only the champagne.

- No, really. - Get on there.

This is the stuff. It's all nicely labelled.

Very efficient in these hospitals, aren't they?

- (Gasps) Oh, it's... it's freezing! - And so it should be.

Ooh, it's freezing my foot off!

- Wouldn't have to worry about the bunion then! - Stop larking about, Bernie.

And go and get me some antiseptic.

Antiseptic, right.

It says here you should apply it with a swab and forceps.

We don't have time for all the trimmings.

- Such as an anaesthetic. - Now look.

I don't want to go on with this. I must have been mad.

When everything's going so well?

- Don't be so ungrateful! - After all the trouble we've taken?

- Antiseptic. - Ah, right. There we are. That's it.

That should do. Now, what's next?

- Er... 5cc pentathol. - Hm... Intravenous injection.

I wonder where they keep the intravenous.

- Now wait a minute! - Do you want this operation or not?

- I don't want any of you practising darts on me. - But you must have an anaesthetic.

- There's always this. - Uh-uh!

Gas. I... I don't mind gas.

- Ah. Gas. Mm, that's the Boyle's machine. - But he's got a bunion.

The Boyle's machine! Over there. It's full of nitrous oxide or something.

- Wheel that in and get it flowing. - Right.

Right, now what do we need?

- It's like making a cake, innit? - Shut up.

Esmarch's bandages. They're made of rubber. Three inches wide.

We wrap them tightly round his leg, like a tourniquet.

You two get those. And put on masks and gowns.

Right. It's exciting, innit?

Won't be long now.

Hello? Frying tonight.

Not you, you idiot! Him!

Look, I don't think I will have gas after all.

Cor blimey.

They've gone and done it, like they said they would.

Nu...

Mr Hinton!

Humphrey!

Mr Hinton!

Mr Hinton!

Right, now start unwinding from the foot, but leave a bit of bandage at the top of the leg.

Now I need a scalpel to cut the surface of the skin.

- (Laughs) - Two small artery forceps...

Oh, big 'uns. Make it big 'uns. Nothing but the biggest and the best.

An osteotome. It looks like a chisel but it has two sharp sides.

Two? Oh, good! (Laughs)

A fine saw. A needle and cat gut.

That's right, sew a button on it. (Laughs)

Better give him some more gas. We can't have him giggling all through.

- Most distracting. - I agree.

(Laughs)

- What's the matter with you? - Nothing.

Let's get the knives.

(Laughs)

(Laughter continues)

(Laughter)

(They laugh raucously)

(Winces)

Mr Hinton! Wake up.

Wake up, please!

Mm-hm. Yeah.

- These'll do. (Laughter)

(Raucous laughter) - What's the matter with you lot?

I've got a bunion! (Laughs)

I've got the giggles.

Stop mucking about.

I don't know what's got into you.

Yes, I do!

- You careless cruiserweight, you! - Lightweight.

I thought so. You let this thing run. (Starts laughing)

Hold... Hold this over his mouth... and I'll start cutting.

Say, Oliver, what happens if anything goes wrong?

We'll have to amputate your leg!

(They laugh raucously)

Humphrey!

This... This is Percival calling you!

I'm sorry, mates.

(Bell rings)

(Laughter continues)

No! No, stop it! You're tickling!

I thought you were asleep.

Here, hold him, for goodness' sake.

(Laughter continues)

(Raucous laughter)

(Bell rings)

Nurse? Asleep on duty, eh?

Argh!

(Muffled shout)

Oh!

Mr Hinton, what is the meaning of this?

- Thank you, Staff. - What happened?

- They all went to the operating theatre. - To the...?

Nurse! Please let me explain!

Mr Hinton, please give me back my uniform! Mr Hinton!

Ooh! Ooh, no!

Elevate the capsule...

and the...periosteum.

Well, where is his peri... peri...

No, he's made all wrong.

Gentlemen...he hasn't got one.

(Chuckles) He must have.

All right, there's the diagram,

you find his pendi...his peri...

pe... you...

Can't find his periscope.

- Swabs. - Nurse!

Yes, Staff. Beg pardon.

(Laughs) Silly me.

Will somebody give me a bottle?

Well, if it doesn't happen today, I don't know what I'll do.

All my arrangements are already up the spout.

- It's frustrating, you know. - Yes. I can imagine.

I hope you don't mind my burdening you with my troubles like this.

No, not at all.

Besides, looks like they're over.

Ah, Mr Bell! Time for your injection.

At last!

Oh!

That's the best news I've ever... (Sneezes)

- What was that? - What? What was what?

- You sneezed. You've got a cold. - Quite so.

- Well, you can't have an operation with a cold. - Don't be ridiculous. (Sneezes)

I haven't got a cold on my bunion.

Come along inside.

I've never heard anything so... (Sneezes) ..in my... (Sneezes)

- Nurse! Nurse! - Yes, Sister.

Get Mr Bell into the side ward immediately.

No, Sister. Nurse, no, please, please!

I'm all right. Please let me have my operation. Please.

Don't infect all the other patients! Go with nurse at once.

But you don't understand, Sister. I must have it today. I simply must.

(Sneezes)

It's nothing, nurse. I'm perfectly all right. (Sneezes)

- Now come along. Hurry up. - I haven't got a cold.

- I'm perfectly all right. I'm... - In you go.

Oh, Megsy, Jack's not all right.

(Sneezes)

(Chuckles)

(Buzzer)

(Knock) - Come in!

Now what?

Oh, dear. Sounds as if you don't love me today.

I don't. You're a naughty old buzzer.

Now come along, Colonel, what is it?

Give that to Mick for me, would you, please?

- More horses? - More horses, my girl.

All right. Just this once.

But if Sister found out...

Surely she'd forgive a student nurse, wouldn't she?

- Fat chance. - Really?

Perhaps she ought to be reminded of your status, then.

- Is there anything else, Colonel? - Let me... Oh, yes, dear. I'm awfully sorry.

I dropped my cigars down there. Would you mind?

Oh!

- Colonel! - Sorry, dear. I never could resist it.

- Well, goodbye, everybody. - Goodbye, Ollie!

Goodbye, Mr Reckitt. Sure you've got everything?

Quite sure. Thank you, nurse.

(Hums)

Staff Nurse!

Oh, Staff Nurse, I forgot to give Mr York his final certificate. I think you'll just catch him.

Surely it could be posted, Sister.

You run after him.

Yes, Sister.

Mr York.

If I have a date tonight, the name's Ted.

Ted.

Hurry up, nurse.

- There are other things for you to do, you know. - Yes, Sister.

Nurse Dawson! (Tuts)

Goodbye, Bernie.

Jeremy!

- Hello, darling! - Hello, love.

- Hello, son! - Hello.

- Do you remember me? - Mm.

- Do you? Got a present for me? - Mm.

Come on, then. Give it to me.

Oh! Ooh, what a punch!

Come on, give me a kiss. That's lovely.

- Hello, darling. - Hello, love.

Come on, now.

Who taught him that, then? You?

Right. Now.

Come in!

- Hello, hello, hello! - Hello, Colonel.

To what do I owe the honour of this visit?

- You're going back into the ward tomorrow. - That's right.

We have to carry out just one final test.

- It'll only take a few minutes. - That's all right.

- Hey, what goes on? - We're getting our own back on the old boy.

Oh, he's a sport.

By the time we're through with him, he'll need to be.

SISTER: How fortunate I met you, Matron. - Matron!

I have a lot to do. I must get through my rounds early.

- I'm afraid everything won't be quite ready. - All right.

I do hope our troublesome colonel won't delay me too long today.

(Knock) COLONEL: Come in!

Good...

Colonel! Whatever's going on?

Come, come, Matron. Surely you've seen a temperature taken like this before?

Oh! (Chuckles) Yes, Colonel. Many times.

But never...with a daffodil.

Oompah, oompah, stick it up your jumper!

Well, friends, colleagues, and royal bird-watchers,

I am very honoured to be invited here today

to tell you the incredible story of my last expedition.

May I have the first slide, please?

And here we are,

two weeks out on safari.

Already deep into the interior and already treading ground

that no White man had ever trod before.

Yuck!

Umballa.

- Elephant droppings, boss. - We'll have to make another detour.

What is it? Why have we stopped?

You see all that? Elephants.

- I didn't think it was ours. - What is it, Professor?

- Sh... - Please, not in front of the ladies.

I was going to ask her to keep quiet. Sh!

- Oh, pardon me. - Dear, dear, dear.

Isn't it safe to go on?

It's risky with elephants about, unless they have cows with them.

- On the other hand, it could be all bulls. - Coming from you, that wouldn't surprise me.

We've trekked far enough for today, anyway. Upsidasi.

- What? - Scout around, find camp site.

- Lookadikki? - Dikkinookie, boss.

- What's all this dukkanikki-nukki stuff? - That's Banga-banga talk.

I hope he hurries, otherwise I'm going to be ickie-dickie.

Dear, dear, dear!

- June, my lavender water, please. - Yes, milady.

- I'm afraid you've dropped one, Lady Bagley. - I beg your pardon?

Oh, yes, of course!

It's a great pleasure to be of service, ma'am.

After all, we have travelled together 1,000 miles now.

Yes, I know that, Mr Chumley, but I shall not be requiring a 1,000-mile service, thank you.

Boss, boss, I've found a good camp site there, boss. Big water hole.

- Fine. Drinkable? - Hippopotamus there. They seem to like OK.

- Good. - Hippopotamus? I'm not drinking after them.

Why not? They'd only be bathing in it.

If you had ever been in for a bathe, you'd know why not.

You're too fussy, Professor. Go ahead, I'll bring the women.

Very well.

Right in it.

Excuse me, Mr Boosey, but Her Ladyship was wondering if she could have her shower.

Yes, certainly. Upsidasi, make shower tent to make water over White lady.

Boss. Giri, Lamadi, bagalo mansi por zulu upfasi.

Thank you.

Doesn't it bother you, being out here in the jungle among a lot of men?

- Men have never bothered me, Mr Boosey. - You must be joking.

Kika, kika. Umballa kuruwa.

- Evening, ma'am. - Good evening, Mr Boosey.

Enjoying the safari, ma'am?

Immensely. Though I am a bit disappointed we've not seen any monkeys so far.

You won't. They're very busy. It's the mating season.

Oh, I see. Would they come if I threw them some peanuts, do you think?

Would you?

That is a very big one you have there, is it not, Mr Boosey?

Eh? Oh, this! Yes, well, I'm going hunting, you see.

- I'll see if I can bag something for supper. - I see. Game?

Any time, if you are.

- Well, er, I really must go. - Yeah, well, they're all ready for you.

- If you'll excuse me. - Certainly, ma'am.

Boss, look, there he goes.

- Get him, boss. - Hold that, quick!

Did I get him?

No, boss. You aim good but him in the wrong place.

- Where's he gone? - He's gone into cover, boss.

There he is!

Give me that.

No, you twit!

Milady, your shower is ready.

Thank you, June.

I shall require you to pour as usual.

Yes, milady.

Well, I do hope that elephant doesn't stain, that's all.

Dear, dear, dear, dear!

I'm beginning to wish we hadn't started on this trip.

Every step one takes is fraught.

And, what is more, we haven't spotted one rare bird yet.

It's not good enough, Chumley.

We must keep a sharper lookout.

Oh, don't worry, Professor. I'm doing that all right, sir.

Cor!

Chumley, what are you looking at?

Oh, nothing, Professor. Nothing at all, sir.

Well, you must be looking at something. Your rear was positively agog.

Oh. Oh, well, I um, er...

just thought, sir, that I'd spotted the golden-crested tit, sir.

Ooh, impossible!

You don't find golden-crested tits here in Africa.

An occasional black one maybe.

Oh, of course. You're quite right, sir. I was mistaken, sir.

- Yes, well, let me have a look. Where is it? - No, I shouldn't bother if I were you, sir.

Where?

I can't see anything.

Oooh!

Well, yes!

That is definitely something.

Really, sir? What?

Oh, well, I can't put a name to it, actually. It was just a quick flash of tail.

- Really? Let me have a look... - Er...

It's gone now. It's gone into the jungle.

I tell you what. Look, you take these binoculars and go and look for it.

- I don't think I should go outside just now, sir. - Oh?

Lady Bagley will be... taking her shower.

Will she? Oh!

Well, I hadn't realised that. Oh, dear.

Well, we can't embarrass her, can we? Poor soul.

I... could, of course, keep my eyes averted, sir.

Spoken like a true gentleman, Chumley.

Go and avert. Go on, off you go.

Now, round the back of the tent - and don't let her see you now.

Oooh!

Oooh! Ooooh...

That's enough. You're getting too excited.

Take something, man. Take something. What?

No.

What's this?

Picket's Muscular Elixir.

Eases stiffness.

Just the thing.

Cor!

Dakka!

Oko pyopo, oko pyopo.

All right, patch him up and break out a can of corned beef.

- Inkosa. - June, hurry up with the water, please.

You shouldn't be carrying heavy things like that.

- Oh, but Her Ladyship wants it. - Don't worry, she's going to get it. Have a rest.

There's a good girl.

- June, are you there? - Yes, milady.

Well, rinse me off, will you, please?

Ah!

Cor!

That's enough, thank you. Now, bring the towel and rub me down, will you?

Ah. Mmm.

June! June!

June, where are you?

That's funny.

My turn.

Excuse me.

Ini loin daba.

Big White hunter!

Big White tin-opener.

Thank you, June. I shall not require you any more. You may take the evening off.

In the middle of the jungle? Big deal!

Good evening, Mr Boosey.

Good evening, ma'am. Just checking supplies.

I haven't had an opportunity to thank you for scaring off that gorilla.

That was nothing. You're all right as long as the gorilla keeps chasing you.

When he stops and does that, you've got to worry.

- What does that mean? - When you go to find out why he's doing it,

he grabs hold of you, you see, like that. They like to crush people to death.

Then they like to get a good grip on...

...anything handy and give a good squeeze. - Oh, I see.

And then what do they do?

Then they nuzzle into the neck, see? And start nibbling.

Oh. Well, why do they do that?

To keep your mind off what their hands are doing.

Ahem!

Good evening, Professor.

Mr Boosey was showing me what happens when a gorilla gets a crush on one.

Yes, I could see he was up to some monkey business.

Ha-ha! Very good, that.

Grub'll be up in a minute. I'd better go and have a wash. If you'll excuse me?

Of course.

- Look at them rings. Aren't they whoppers? - I have a matching pair as well.

Don't think I hadn't noticed that.

Oh, he's so vulgar! So vulgar!

As a matter of fact, I find his bluntness rather refreshing.

My dear Lady Bagley, we must face up to it. The man is simply not a gentleman.

I understand he sleeps in his vest.

Oh, but sleeping in just a vest displays a sense of individuality, surely?

It displays a great deal more than that!

- What on earth do you mean, Professor? - I mean that a man like that

would stoop at nothing, would go to any lengths to achieve his ends.

- Do you really think so, Professor? - I'm sure of it.

I'm sure of it, my dear Lady Bagley. You are too trusting.

Out here in the wilds, as we are,

and coming into close contact with each other, day after day,

it only needs a glimpse of creamy skin, a hint of milky thigh.

Why, Professor, you make me sound like a dairy product.

Well, yes, you do remind me of something in an English meadow.

What?

A babbling brook.

Sparkling, inviting, and so beautifully cool.

Well, I'm very cool now. Night draws on, you know.

Oh, how sensible of you to bring a pair.

Dinner is served.

Allow me, ma'am.

Thank you, Mr Chumley.

Well, Mr Boosey, you may have dinner served.

Upsidasi, bung on the grub!

Oh, common as muck!

Tell me, Mr Boosey, what have you bagged for us tonight?

This? This is what we call fricassee of fully-grown African lion.

Is it? Delightful!

Isn't that rather dangerous, shooting lions, Mr Boosey?

Oh, not half. Take this one here. When I come across him, he was having fun with a lioness.

If there's one thing that drives a lion mad, it's being disturbed when he's with a lioness.

Oh. Do they charge?

Oh, no, they do it for love.

What is your sport, Professor? I don't think I've seen you shooting.

No, no, I get my pleasure in other ways.

Oh, really?

Professor Tinkle is an ornithologist.

Actually, I'm fascinated by rare and exotic birds.

Aren't we all?

Yes, my last expedition was to the Virgin Isles.

It was there that we discovered the rare species of the frigate bird.

- The what bird? - Frigate. Frigate!

- Now, now. Language! - Now, you listen here...

What is that?

Probably a frigate hyena.

Let's have a bit of fun with him.

That'll shake him.

Lady Bagley, now you know why we are here,

won't you tell us what brings a beautiful lady like yourself here to Africa?

Well, before I tell you,

I would like to show you something that I have in here.

Oh, no, don't bother. I always say, when you've seen one, you've seen them all.

I promise you, Professor, you've never seen one like this before.

That is a picture of my little baby boy.

Lying there on the rug, playing with his wee engine.

I must tell you that soon after little Cecil was born,

my husband brought us out here on our honeymoon.

It was a delayed honeymoon, of course.

Well, of course.

A lady like yourself would never make the mistake of putting the cart before the horse.

- Or the club before the pudding. - Will you spare us the clinical details?

Thank you. Pray continue, my dear.

One morning, out here in the wilds of the interior,

my husband took our baby for his usual walkies.

And they never came back.

How ghastly, ma'am.

Soon afterwards, while searching along the banks of the Limpopo River,

our bearers shot a crocodile.

And there, in its stomach,

was my dear husband's fob watch.

How very terrible! And the baby?

On the bank, close by, was his nappy.

Clean?

I'm afraid not.

- And so near to the Limpopo, too. - But surely, ma'am,

after all this time, there's no hope?

Oh, no, but you see, we never did find his nappy pin.

And it would be something to remember him by.

Argh! Ooh!

Africa is so very romantic.

I never get tired of listening to the strange noises.

Burp!

- Must you do that always? - Do what?

Emit air in that disgusting fashion.

Well, what else can I do with it? Better than sneaking it out in other ways.

Mr Chumley, please don't worry on my account.

Let us just sit quietly and enjoy the night.

Is there something wrong, my dear?

No.

No, no, no, it's quite all right.

A little more?

I don't mind.

Of course.

Lovely, isn't it?

I... can't say I'm enjoying it, Mr Chumley.

- What? But you just said... - How dare you!

Lady Bagley, what have I done?

You know perfectly well...

Oh...

Excuse me!

- I wonder what's up with her? - Well, I don't know.

But whatever it is, it's certainly rubbing her up the wrong way.

Oooh!

Oooooh!

All right, we'll rest here.

Akuna hama.

Bagalo, okura buzuru. Okura humbalaba. Taka.

Dear Lady Bagley, did you see the giraffes just now?

Yes, I did. Quaint things.

I wonder why it is they have such long necks.

Well, it's quite simple. It's because their heads are so far away from their bodies.

You know, I would never have thought of that. You're so very knowledgeable, Professor.

Oh, it's observation, really.

I wonder if perhaps you could help me.

Do you know anything about the habits of snakes?

Habits?

Yes. I mean, what do they do?

Well, strangely enough, I've often wondered that myself.

Because they're exactly the same all the way down, aren't they?

They don't seem to have the wherewithals.

- The wherewithals to what? - Well, I mean,

they don't... if... I mean, er...

They're lacking... Did you see the giraffes just now?

Yes, I did. But what I wanted to know was,

if one came in close contact with a snake, could it harm one?

That would depend on the snake.

There is a brown one, the African viper, which is very deadly.

- Oh, no, this one was definitely green. - Ah.

And it sort of moved like that.

Ah, that would be the vindscreen viper, quite harmless.

What's that?

- Quiet, everyone! - Tutubera.

Well, Upsidasi, what do those drums say?

They say...

bum-diddi, bum-diddi, bum, bum, bum.

- I know that! What does it mean? - How should I know, boss?

- Fat lot of use you are! Let's get moving. - OK, boss. Hamalapa.

Taka! Hamalapa!

- What's the matter with them? - I go to see, boss.

I wish he would go to sea. He's no flippin' use on land.

Inendaba!

Inafina hay kulambawamba.

No fuma wamba.

No me kiwe buana ina blenechenawena.

- Well? - They don't want to go on, boss.

I say that we must go on. They say no, I say yes.

- So now it is settled. - Good lad.

Yes, boss. We go on, they stay.

How can we go on without them? Who's going to carry all the supplies?

They're very frightened, boss. They say those are the drums of a very bad tribe - the Noshas.

- The Noshas? - Very bad tribe, boss.

Very savage. They eat people. Very backward.

Well, they're not eating me backwards.

Of course not. What a load of rubbish! What makes them think they eat people?

Well, they say that the first drum says, "Lay the table. Dinner on the way. "

And the second drum says, "Yummy, yummy. "

Perhaps it would be better if we don't go.

Yes. After all, this does seem a good place to set up camp.

Not on your nelly. I am not being scared off by a lot of silly, superstitious native talk.

They don't call me Rattlesnake Bill for nothing.

Now, you listen to me, you bunch of lily-livered jackals! We are not staying here.

Put up the tents double-quick.

Faka som kike zuru. Kaka! Ka, ka, ka!

Boss! Boss, boss!

Listen, boss. The drums have stopped.

I know that. They stopped hours ago.

Why don't you tell me something I don't know?

The women of the Ubangi tribe, boss, stuff the bones of the buffalo up their nose.

- What are you talking about? - I'm telling you something you don't know.

- Go and get the beaters. We're going hunting. - Dikkinookie.

Mr Boosey?

Yes, miss? What is it?

- The drums have stopped. - Get away.

I wondered if it would be safe for me to go for a walk. Would anything happen?

You could walk starkers through a Foreign Legion outpost and nothing would happen.

Thank you.

Boss, boss! I got the beaters, boss.

Oh, cor blimey! It's like trying to have a bit on an ants' nest.

All right, come on. Let's get going.

All clear for us to do some bird-spotting if you like, sir.

Oh, no, no. You go, Chumley.

I have some paperwork to do.

All right, sir.

How lovely!

Ow-oooooh!

Ooh, aren't you lovely?

It's all right. You're safe.

Who are you?

Where do you come from?

Ug...

Don't you understand?

Don't you speak English?

Ug ug...

Or perhaps you've lived all your life in the jungle?

Haven't you ever seen a woman before?

Obviously not.

Tell me, what is your name?

Name?

Look, me June.

June.

Understand?

June, June.

No! No, not those.

This June.

Understand?

June.

That's right.

Now, then, what is your name?

Ug...

Ug?

Oh! That's an unusual name.

That called a... a chest.

Chest.

- Chest! - Good.

It's all right, it's nothing to be afraid of.

No, no, I know yours isn't like that, but you're different from me, you see.

I'm a woman.

Woman.

That's right.

Woman.

No, no, no. Me woman.

Look, I'll show you.

See? Woman like that.

No, no, that's a man. A woman doesn't have a...

I mean a... Oh, dear, this is going to be very difficult.

Woman.

That's it.

Chest.

That's right.

- Man. - No!

Oh, dear. Perhaps we'd better start with something simpler.

Water.

Wa-ter.

- Water. - Good.