All language subtitles for Bless.This.Mess.S02E15.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Okay, so...at this point,

how would you rate your --

your trust issues
with men?

Uh...severe?
Severe.

That's a huge improvement.

Last week,
it was crippling.

Yeah,in only three sessions.

And in three more,

I might stop sleepingwith a switchblade.

Which -- Which is something
we should aspire to.

I think.

Wow. Dangerous.

Okay,
and what about Rudy?

How would you describe
your relationship with Rudy

since the breakup?

I thinkwe're in a good place.

Okay, that's great.
Gosh.

Look at you.It was a little awkward

when he checked me infor my appointment today, but...

Yeah, I should have told you
that Rudy's working for me now.

Um, so,
he's working for me now.

I started interning for Rio

to get some office experienceon my résumé.

Since Constance and Isplit up,

I decided to forgo romance,

become laser-focusedon my career.

I'm here 'cause I've been havinga strong desire to drink gas.

Mm.
Which is a problem

for someone who works
at a gas station.

If they didn'twant us drinking it,

why'd they make it
smell so good?

Rio: Thank you so much.
And why don't you just go ahead

and give Rudy your co-pay?

Are youin or out of network?

I say that having no ideawhat those words mean.

Neither do I.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ]So...

This is nice,
you getting along so well.

Um, also, uh,
can Theresa just go ahead

and stay in the barn?

I'm using heras a paper shredder.

Okay, we shouldn't be
shredding any documents

or anything like that.

Identity theft
is quite real.

[ Metal groaning ]

[ Car squeaking ]

[ Car horn honks ]

What is...[ Car horn honks ]

What the hell?

♪♪

Oh.Rio: Oh. Oh.

[ Grunts ]

I-I think
we need a truck.

Why?

--Captions by VITAC--

♪♪

Hun, you got a bit ofa glow this morning.Oh, you know what it is?

I just -- It's just --

My therapy practice
is thriving.

I -- If I'm
completely honest,

I just never really felt
a respect as a farmer.

Hmm.
But as a therapist,
you know,

I really have a sense of
esteem and regard.

You know?Esteem and regard.

That's not the feelings
I have

when we pull into townin this battery-powered car.

I'm feeling more shame,a lot of demoralization.

You look around,

it's just truck, truck,truck, truck, truck.

Right.
You know,
it's a truck town.

Honey --And I was just thinking,

now that you're making

a little extra cheddar
with the therapy,

maybe we upgrade.

I only have five clients,

and two of them
are paying me with eggs.

Mm. I see.You know what I mean?

So it's not like I'm like...
rolling in Skrill.
Yeah.

Kay: Hey.
Hey, guys.

Hey.It's a big turn-out.

I know.Everyone came out

to meet
the new pastor, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.Yeah, what happened
to the last guy?

Gal.
Ah.

I think she's doing
humanitarian work
in Haiti or something.

That's great.Yeah, I did not
care for her.

Oh.
No?

Her chest was too big
to be a pastor.

Double G's,
if I'm not mistaken.

Very distracting.

Yeah, she made us pray
to heal her back problems.

Oh.

Well, we want to just
welcome you, Pastor.

It is just great
having you here.

I-I just want to let you know,
like, I'm Jewish,

so I'm not gonna be,
like, attending services

or anything, so...

Oh.
But, uh, shalom.

I have great respectfor the Jewish faith.

You know,we just added another book.Yes.

So many wise words
in those pages.

What's your
favorite passage?I haven't read...them,

per se,

but, um -- but it's --

I've heard it's such
excellent stuff.

It is. It is.

You got the eyes
of a wolf.

Okay.
See, right there?

That's what
we're talking about.

Let's not assume
the worst in people

and equate them to wolves,
right?

[ Chuckles ]

We're working on
my trust issues.

Rio is the town therapist.

Town therapist.
Hmm.

I mean, I'm not --
I'm not, like, in it

for the praise, but --
Who said that?

You know, as a pastor,I sometimes feel

a little bit like
a therapist myself.

Oh.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah,
I can see that.

Yeah,
feelings are important.

That's what I always say
as like a...

as a real,
actual therapist.

Shalom.

Uh...

p-praise Jesus.
[ Chuckles ]

Kay: Mike, I'm happyyou're getting rid of

that little toy car.

You know we call it
the wang-mobile?

[ Laughs ]I didn't know that.

I did not know that.

Yeah, we say, "Ah, hey,

there's Mike
in the wang-mobile."Oh.

And we'd just laugh.[ Laughs ]

Yet another reason
I can't wait

to get myself
into a truck.

See, finding a new truck
is like falling in love.

I met my truck
at a party.
Oh.

Had a few drinks,
woke up in her bed...

Hmm....and we've been together
ever since.

Well, hopefully,
your next party,

you'll meet a woman.God, I hope so.

Maybe end up in her bed.Yeah, that'd be nice.

Now, Mike, it's all aboutthe sound of the engine, okay?

You want a good roar.

Okay.
You know,when you hit the gas,

you want itto loosen your teeth.Oh.

On my first truck,
I lost three caps.

I think it's about
the technology.

Hmm.Processors, right?

Look, with a few mods,

I can basically
turn it into a robot.

Oh, don't get a truckwith a computer.

That's how the Russiansget your information.

They're going
after cars now.

I saw it on a "20/20."

That's true.Be -- Be that
as it may, guys,

I-I'm just looking for
a normal pick-up truck, right?

Now, this is not bad.

Look at this one here.

Oh.Mm.That's gorgeous.

She is sexy as hell.Uh-huh.

You can tell
she knows how to party.Huh.

We got to get you on some
dating apps, Brandon.

I don't like who I am,
either.Just an idea.

Okay. Oh.

She's a beaut,
ain't she?

Oh, this is you?Yep.

Oh.When I got her,

she was just
a rusted-out shell.

But I saw
who she really was

deep down
in her engine block...

Hmm.Mm.
Mm.

...and she saw me.

Yeah.

Just celebrated
10 years together.

Wow.Mike: Oh, wow.Congratulations.

You're a lucky man.
Congratulations.Thank you. Thank you.

Pastor, uh,
do you think God wants me

to have a cool
and powerful truck

for a reasonable price?

Well, he certainly doesn't
want you in that wang-mobile.

[ Laughs ]

Well, everyone's
getting in on it. Okay.Oh.

Rio: That was a really good
session, Beau, thank you.

Um, okay. so, Rudy,
let's go ahead and get Beau

on the book
for next week.

I'm not available
next week.

Okay. So, not next week,
but the week after.

I'm not available
the week after.Okay.

Um, I guess
the week after that.

I feel like we should
get on the phone before that,

just so we can --
just to keep up --

Rio, I don't know
how to say this,

but I don't want to
see you

or speak to you on the phone
ever again.

Oh.

What do...[ Chuckles nervously ]

At least professionally.

I've started seeing
Pastor Paul.

For counseling.

He's very good.

Most importantly,
he's very free.

Oh. Okay.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Pastor Paul was right.

It wasn't that hard.

Yeah.
Just say it.

it's good advice.

Whew!

Um...[ Door opens ]

Wow.[ Door closes ]

[ Bell jingles ]

[ Slurps ]

[ Sighs ] Okay.

Oh!

Oh, my --

Wow.

[ Chuckles ]

Whoo!

What's under the hood here,
huh?

Got all kinds of oomph.

Got some experience.

A little bit of rust.

That's okay.
That's okay.

And -- Ooh-kay.

Well...

You know what?

No reason not to just call
and ask out of curiosity.

[ Cellphone clicks, beeps ]

[ Ringing]

Man: Yeah?

Hey.Uh, I hate to be forward.

But I just met the truck

I want to spendthe rest of my life with.

Is that -- Is thata weird thing to say?

New pastor's
a real dynamo.

[ Sighs ]
We've hada lot of cancellations.

Just look atthese client numbers.

This is beforePastor Paul arrived.

This is after.

Did you do this?
This is --
Yeah, I did.

I got on with the help desk,live-chat.

Okay.It's a shame, too.

People were reallystarting to give youthe respect you deserve.

Even me.

Now it's all gone.

Okay.

I'm going to lunch.

Oh.

Um...okay.

[ Microwave beeps ]

Be nice to have some coworkersto bitch about the boss to.

Thank you, Rudy.

Rio: Clara, I can't understand
you 'cause you're crying

and you're spitting a lot.

Well, good luck with the pastor.

O-Okay. Thank you.

See you around town.[ Cellphone beeps ]

Oh.
Oh, I got some
big news.

Oh, so do I.

My entire therapy practice
is ruined.

Every single client I have
is gone.

Our disposable income --
gone.

I-I feel like we have
to start selling things.

Sorry.
[ Exhales sharply ]

I feel like I just
totally steamrolled you.

You had big news.It's okay.

What was it?
It's okay.

What did you just put
in your pocket?

Cricket.

I, uh, I found a-a dead cricketon the porch,

and I just thought I'd liketo give it a proper burial,

say a couple words.That's, like,
the sweetest thing.

Well, listen, that's notwhat's important right now.

What happenedwith all your clients?

It was going so well.

It's the pastor.

Everybody wants
to talk to that guy.

It's like he comes in here.

I don't know what kind of
training this guy has.

I can tell you
what he doesn't have.

He doesn't have a master's
from The College of New Jersey.

Yeah.
I can tell you
that much.

And I'm concerned.

I'm concerned about
my former clients.

These are -- These are
my friends, you know?

It's like,
you can't pray your way

out of
a baby powder addiction.

I'm sorry, someone hasa-a baby powder addiction?

Who?
I wish
I could tell you.

It's not who you think.

Okay, look,you've got some competition.

Yeah.
So, you got
to get out there

and you got
to sell yourself.Mm-hmm.

You got a master's degreefrom a reasonably good college,

and you've got a ton of lettersfollowing your name.

I worked hard
for those letters.Yeah, you did.

So, my suggestion
is a sign

that explainswhat those letters are.

Mm-hmm.And then a second signthat says

"Hours of operation."

Signage.
Yeah.
No, this is good.

This is good.
You're right.

I have a-a-a-a returnto make.

Mm.Uh, uh, I'm gonna returnthat poor little cricket

to Mother Earth.
Okay.

Yeah, I'm gonna be --
Okay.

...I'm gonna be rational,
I'm gonna be calm.

I'm gonna
just deal with this

as the professional
that I am.[ Door opens, closes ]

Test, test.Test, test, test.

Test.
Hot coffee.
Hot coffee.

Yackity smackity.
Yackity smackity.

Ping pong, ping pong.

I think this is
a good plan.

When in doubt,
go undercover.

George Washington
said that.

I mean, I don't want
to do this, okay?

But it's
a public health concern.

An untrained therapist?

It's more dangerous
than a nuclear bomb.

George Washington said that,too.
Did he?

Which George Washington
are you referring to?

Are there two George Washingtonsin American history?

All I know is my uncle,George Washington Longfellow,

the area's first beat cop.

Which George Washingtonare you thinking about?

I just, uh -- That one.Okay.

That was the one
I was thinking of.

Rudy, thank you.
This is wonderful.

Now all I have to do
is go talk to the pastor

and expose
how ill equipped he is

to deal
with mental health issues.

We can regain our titles

as town therapistand town therapist's assistant.

I mean, I don't know
if that's a real thing,

but I do appreciate
the support.

Yeah,and if this doesn't work,

we can playthe kidnapping card.

I'll start looking
for some rope.

Oh, no, no.
I-I don't think

we should let it escalate
to that point.

Let's just go ahead
and start with this

and see where it goes.Okay. Make me proud.

♪♪

[ Engine shuts off ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Clears throat ]

Don't look at me
like that.

You know
I don't have a choice.

Okay? Just bad timing.

[ Exhales sharply ]

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

I'm sorry, okay?

I lo-- Mm.

♪♪

We're not doing this.

[ Engine starts ]She's got to know.

[ Engine revs ]

[ Brakes screech ]

[ Tires squeal ]

-Whoo-hoo!
-[ Whistles ]

Hoo-hoo!
She's a pretty little hussy.[ Laughs ]

Oh, yeah.
Yep.

Well, she has a few blemisheshere and there,

but I was hoping you guyscould help me clean her up.

For your first truck,
you want an older one.

Sure, she'll never love you
the way you love her,

but you'll be there
when she dies.Mm.

God willing.

This could really be

a game-changer for you,
Mike.
Mm.

I mean, she could change
the way people see you.

Rest in peace, Wang-man.Yeah.

Wang-man?
Wait, is that --

is that what you guyscall me?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, I guess
that makes sense.

Well, now I just haveto convince Rio

to fall in love with herthe way I have.

But I can't introduce her to herlooking like this.

She'll flip out.I'm sorry.

I mean,
we got some rust.

No, no, no, no.We got a lot of thingswrong --

Rio doesn't know
about this, Mike?

No. I'm not helping you
fix this.

I didn't know
you were having an affair.

An a-- What?

I'm not gonna break up
my best friend's marriage.

Mnh-mnh.That's right.
Rio's my best friend now.

Okay? I love her.

You guys are blowing thisway out of proportion.

I've barely driven her.No.

No. Mnh-mnh.But you've become
emotionally involved,

and that's worse.

Way worse.

Okay.
Well, hold on a second.

I can't bring this to the house!She'll freak!

This never happened.

[ Door closes ]

[ Rooster crows ]

♪♪

Hey.

Hey.
Come on in.

Yes.
Hey.

Welcome.

Oh.
I'm -- Let's --

'Kay. [ Laughs ]

Have a seat.

Yeah. Alright.

Attempt at unprofessional
physical contact

10 seconds
into the meeting.

[ Door closes ]

So, what brings you by?

Uh, you know...

just wanted to, you know,

talk through some thoughts,
I guess.

Sure.
So, um...

yeah, I was just noticing
that you don't have,

uh, a lot of...

you don't have any degrees
on your wall.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Do --
You didn't go to college?

Oh, I went to college,yeah.

Where'd you go?
[ Chuckles ]
Harvard.

Like real -- real Harvard,
or --
Yeah.

Okay.

Note --
Uh, narcissistic tendencies.

Are you talking
to your jacket?

W-- In what sense?

It looked like you weretalking to your jacket.

I'm talking
to my jacket, yes.

Okay.That is something I-I...

One of the things that I wanted
to talk to you about

is that I hear...
voices in my head,

and then...the way
that I respond is

I -- I talk to my jacket.

Huh.

That's a new one for me.

Oof. Guess I stumped ya.[ Chuckles ]

Well,could be schizophrenia.

Are you diagnosing me?

No, no, no. No.
No, I would never.

I'm not qualified
to diagnose you.

But I could put you in touchwith someone who is.

And meanwhile, Rio,
I'll pray for you,

and, um, I will be hereto support you

in any way I can.

You're gonna
get through this.

That's the annoyingly
perfect thing to say.

I'm sorry,am I missing something here?

Um...

No. I-I-I'm...

No. You're not --

Yes. Yes, you are.

I was -- I was just --
I was testing you.

Sorry. I-I just --

It's just that all of my clientshave fired me,

uh, 'cause they're now
talking to you,

and I just wanted
to make sure

that they were in good hands,
I think.

I'm -- I'm --
I'm so sorry.

I-I didn't realize
that was happening.

It was not at all
my intention.

No, that --that sounds very difficult.

It is difficult.
It's difficult. Thank you.

You know, it's just like,
I feel like I finally got

some respect in the town,

and -- and, you know,
now you're here

and I'm -- I'm all of a sudden
Rio Dangerfield.

I don't get that reference,but...

Like Rodney Dangerfield.
You know...

[ As Rodney Dangerfield ]
"I get no respect."

Still not ringing
any bells.

"I get no respect."

[ Normal voice ]
You see "Caddyshack"?

A long time ago.

He's the guy who farts.

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

Mike.

[ Gasps ]
[ Gasps ]

What are you doing here?What are youdoing --

What --
What are youdoing here?No, no.What? What? What's --

My own husband?

Seeing the pastor?

Is this about us?
Oh, my God.

I thought we were so good.

We're --
No, no, no.We're great. We're great.

Is this because I laughed

when you walked in
with the pony costume?

I-I mean, that hurt, but no.That's not --

Honey, I will go
and saddle up right now.

Like, I-I'm down.
No. No.

No, I'm off of
that whole thing.

Are you sure?That -- That -- Yes.

That's not it.Is this about the STD?

Look, you know what?

Nobody knows who brought that
into this relationship.

I think we need to just
accept it and move on.
I--

Okay.That's a very deep cut

to think that'swhat I'm currently --

Well, I'm just trying
to understand --

W-W-Why do you have a wirehanging out?

I-I was --
I was trying to expose him.

Oh, my goodness.I was try -- I was --

Look,
I'm wired and everything.

I thought we agreed
on signage.

I know, but then I --

Don't change the subject.

Don't change --
I need to understand

why you're here
right now.

Uh, I need to know.

I fell in love.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no.

Not -- Not --
Not with a human.

W-With a truck.
With a truck.
[ Panting ]

I was walking out of Connie's,I spilled my coffee --

Okay.
...I kind of
just locked eyes

with this beautiful --I want you to see her.

The truck?I-I shouldn't have done it,and I betrayed you

and I went behind your backand I bought this truck...Oh.

and then I tried
to come clean,

but y-your
whole business --Man: [ Clears throat ]

[ All chuckling ]

Oh.
Hi.

You're all -- Okay.

[ Clears throat ]
Did you hear all that?

Yes, you guys
have an STD together.

It's actually
pretty romantic.

Pretty much everyonehas one.

It's HPV.
Yeah.

In fact, I see it as a trophyof a life well lived.Let's j--

Thank you,
and you should be so lucky.

[ Engine sputtering ]

Turn over, come on.

Aah! Crap!

Honey, I-I'm sorry.

I should've --I should've talked to you

before I bought this.
[ Sighs ]

I was --I was just so afraid

someone was gonna
snatch her up.

Really?

Well, look at her.Honey.

Yeah.
I'm not, like,
a motorhead,

but I think this might be,
like, a piece of crap.

Honey, don't say thatin front of her.
I'm not --

I don't know anything.Listen,I have a vision for it.

You know what?Just -- Give it one more try.

Alright, a-a-are youturning it all the way?

I -- Let me try again.

You got to go all the way.[ Engine sputters ]

Oh, Rudy, I'm justso sorry I don't have

enough work for youto justify your position.

We -- We had a good run,didn't we?
Yeah, we did.

Who knows? Maybe you'll
work for me one day.

Yeah. Look at that.I'm just trying to be nice.

Of course,
I could never hire you.

Not with this track record.

Okay. I get it.[ Knock on door ]

Hey.Rio: P-Pastor Paul.

Hi. [ Chuckling ]
What are you doing here?

You take walk-ins?

J-- You want to see me?

You're the town therapist,right?

Thanks. Um...

Yeah, I...

I have a problem.

It's with Connie.

Can I -- Sorry.

Let me just stop you
for a beat.
Sure.

'Cause I just want to say that
her calling you a wolf --

I thinkI'm in love with her.

Oh. Wow.

Have you shared
these feelings with her?

Not per se.
Okay.

We have had sexnumerous times already.

Um...
Wow.

So...

When did you get --
You got here Friday, right?[ Exhales deeply ]

Was it Friday?
Yeah.

Yeah.I guess I haven't slept a ton.

Hey.
She's a very
passionate woman.

Good for you.She told me that

[sighs] I was just
a rebound fling.

Okay.
I want something
more real.

I don't know.

I-I guess maybeI should just end it?

Listen, you and I both know,

you know, Connie,
she's not --

she's not, like,
easy to quit, right?

You're both
in different places.

You're still exploring
something,

and you're kind of just seeing
where your bodies take you.

I'm pretty sure I knowwhere my body would take me.

To...her...body.To her body.

Yeah.

Don't worry, everyone.

They're gonna be here
in a minute for the big reveal.

Oh, Rio, it's so nice
that Brandon and --

and Kay
and Pastor Paul...

Yeah.
...helped him fix up
that truck.

Yeah,that's so great, right?

Pastor Paul
is very generous.

Yeah, he is.

You know I'm hitting
that, right?

Yeah, no, I know. I know.Mm.

How's that doingwith your trust issues?

Well, I do trust that
I want him on top of me.

Oh. Okay.So, it's going well.Uh-huh. Yeah. So --

Where's pony boy?
Hi.

Oh. Yes.

It's cool you guys are
so adventurous in the bedroom.

Oh. That's so personal.[ Chuckles ]

I'm actually glad you guys
said all that stuff.

I--
Oh.

Um...
I feel I can trust you.

Can I make an appointment
with you?

Yes.I would love that, Ray.

I'd like to get back
on the books, too.

Oh, Frank.
This is great.

Yes, of course.

Hearing you accidentally share
all those humiliating things

made me think
you're the kind of person

I can share
my darkest stuff with.

Oh. The gas guzzlingwasn't the darkest thing, or...?

Tip of the iceberg.Really?

And there's some things
you just can't tell a pastor.No, I totally get that.

I was 18 years old

the day I learned
that my real dad...Let's, um --

...was the baritone
from the Oak Ridge Boys.

Let's wait maybe'til we're in private.

[ Car horn honks ]You know?

[ "Ramblin' Gamblin' Man"
plays ]Mike: Oh, perfect.

Oh, boy.

♪ But I got to ramble

♪ Ramblin' man Whoo!

♪ Gamble
Wow.
Yeah!

♪ Gamblin' man

♪ I got to ramble This is...

♪ Ramblin' man

That truck! Whoo!
Look at that!

Hon, what do you think?

Oh, my God.

This seems to be a truck.Brandon: Mike, Mike.

Hit the button.Make it do the thing.Oh, yeah, yeah, hon.

[ Screen beeps ]

Man: Hello, Rio.

[ Laughing ] Oh.Wait, what?

Is it...talking?

Talk. Talk.I'm not gonna talk.

It's in the truck.No, you gotta talk to the truck.

-You gotta talk to the truck.
-You gotta talk to the truck.

-Talk to the --
-I'm -- What?

Talk to the truck!

We worked hard on it.Be reasonable!

Okay. H-Hello, truck.

Beware the Russians.

[ Laughter ]
Oh!

U.S.A.

It's great.
It's good advice.
See?

Worrying. But --

So, uh...

♪ You can have
your funky world ♪

Oh, you're doing your --
like a truck face?

You wanna go for a ride?

Yes!
Yes!

Mike:
Let's see what she can do.

Oh, boy, honey.
Oh, wow.

Mike: Whoo!
Mike!

Oh. Sweetie.

Don't worry, hon.
We're totally safe.

Oh. Darling.

Mike!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoa.But I gotta hold on, you know?

Okay.Time to give it some juice!

[ Exhales deeply ]

Are we not already
giving it juice?

Oh, God. Honey.
Whoo-hoooo!

[ Speaking gibberish]

[ Sobbing ]
I want to leave.
Whoo!

I don't wanna die!

Oh, honey!

Whoo! Ohh, God!Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!