Original subtitles

First of all, I want to thank everybody for coming,

Giving up your lunch hours and all that.

Lord knows, it's very exciting for all of us. - Happy to be here.

Oh, me too. - Absolutely.

Let's get into it. Who wants to start? - I'll be happy to start.

Gwen, why don't you start? Okay.

You don't need the pointer? - No.

I'll hold it. She's fine. Gwen?

A concern I have that I think needs addressing...

Is that we can't have the port-o-potties too far off the main route,

Because we have a lot of seniors.

We've solved that.

We're gonna take the port-o-potties and put 'em right over here.

They're not gonna be in the way.

We're gonna put a receptacle near arts and crafts.

- These are big bins? - Yeah.

We've got barrels. We're gonna put barrels on every corner.

- That's the crate? - That's the big barrel.

That's the big barrel, 'cause you got pie eating here. - It's a dumpster.

If anything happens like last year, with that pie eating--

Which brings me - security.

- Oh-- - I say we put a-a rifle on here,

- A man with a rifle here and a rifle here. - Oh, please.

- Protect the whole square. - Is that really necessary?

- Yes. Remember how much we got egged last year? - Absolutely.

What can I tell you, we're pleased as punch.

We are so proud.

Whatever we do is a first for Blaine and a first for Missouri.

Whatever we do is going to be the standard against which...

All other sesquicentennials-- that's the 150--

Will be judged.

The people of Blaine are can-do people.

There's an old saying in Missouri:

"If you don't like the weather, just wait five minutes."

In Blaine, I honestly believe with hard work we can get that down to three or four minutes.

Here in our sesquicentennial year, we've gota lot to talk about.

There's a lot to be proud of. And we're very proud of it.

It's about time the world knows more about Blaine.

We're chompin' at the bit from this end to get it out there.

It all started, uh, with Blaine Fabin.

He was hired by 30 settlers...

To lead a wagon train expedition from Philadelphia to California.

On the fourteenth night, word has it,

They were sitting around the campfire.

And Blaine said, "Do you smell it?

Do you smell the salt in the air?"

He said, "we're here. I've brought you to California."

There was a big party that night. Next morning they got up.

They didn't see the ocean,

Because they were in Missouri.

Uh, Blaine was able to convince them for a little while...

That it was just low tide and things.

But he had made - bad weather,

Wasn't familiar with the proper route.

But everybody was happy where they were.

They said, "it's okay we didn't make it to California. We'll stay here."

And that's why I'm at this desk.

Well, I'm very proud to say...

I'm a direct descendant of Blaine Fabin.

I've lived here all my life, uh,

As did my parents and their parents and their parents...

And so on and so forth.

I'm very excited about the show coming up,

Because it'll be the first time I'll have the experience...

Of sitting in the audience and seeing actors portray...

My ancestor, the actual Blaine Fabin.

Being a Fabin...

Is not always easy.

Um, I can certainly understand how the Kennedys feel.

I had been living in New York...

And working there as an actor...

And director and choreographer for 25 years or so.

And I really felt I needed a change.

I imagined in my fantasy, I suppose,

That when I came here,

I would have a completely different life;

Uh, perhaps, um, a construction worker...

Or one of those guys that works on those...

High-wire things that, uh-- with the hard hat.

You know, that sweeping sort of hat.

And, uh, with the chaps.

Uh, but that didn't really work out.

I began to realize, I guess,

That the theater was still in my blood.

What I had to do was make use of that.

So I offered my services to the high school here.

And they accepted. And I began to teach drama.

And within about six months, I had formed the Blaine community players.

I gotta tell you, we are very, very excited...

About the big show that's happening at the end of the festival.

Everyone right now is just going crazy getting ready to audition.

And, unfortunately, I won't be able to audition.

We have to stock that day and can't get out of it.

And Corky will not let me audition any other time.

"That's show business," is what he told me,

And, uh, you know, he's the master. You gotta give him credit for that.

President McKinley did a whistle-stop tour...

Back in 1898.

A little boy, Jimmy McBean, made a stool for him.

And he loved it so much that he called back and said,

"Look, I would like to give more of these to dignitaries who are visiting."

And before you knew it,

Uh, Blaine is manufacturing all these footstools.

And that's how the big-- that's how we got the stool boom.

Blaine became the stool capital of the world.

My first show was barefoot in the park, which was an absolute smash.

But my production on the stage of backdraft...

Was what really got them excited.

This whole idea of "in-your-face theater"...

Really affected them.

The conceptualization, the whole abstraction,

The obtuseness of this production, to me,

Was what was interesting.

I wanted the audience to feel the heat...

From the fire, the fear.

Because people don't like fire poked--

Poked in their noses.

You get a cinder from barbecue on the end of your nose,

And you kind of make that little face.

That's not a good thing.

I wanted to have the sense memory of that.

So during the show,

I had someone burn newspapers...

And send it through the vents in the theater.

Well, they freaked out.

Of course, the fire marshal came over.

They shut us down for a couple of days.

Mr. Bluestein, Montezuma's revenge is nothing more...

Than good, old-fashioned, American diarrhea.

Adult diapers should never even enter the picture.

So you lose a few pounds.

My mom used to say that Blaine is...

A little town with a big heart in the heart of a big country.

And to me, Blaine is a kind of town...

Where I can have my own business,

Meet and marry a wonderful woman like sheila...

- A-and be something, be somebody. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Some people find it ironical that,

Though we run a travel agency, we've never been outside Blaine.

With one exception. - Well, we've never been out--

Well, I went to Jefferson City once.

- It was a-- - tell them why.

It was a medical reason.

You can tell them.

Just minor surgery.

I've been workin' here at the D.Q. For about,

Um,

Eight months, seven.

I don't know. Somethin' like that. It's fun.

You just do the cones,

Make sundaes, make blizzards...

And put stuff on 'em.

And see a lot of people come in.

A lot of people come to the D.Q.

Burgers, ice cream,

Anything, you know?

Cokes. Just drive in and get a coke if you're thirsty.

Everybody thinks that Roswell was the first sighting...

Of a U.F.O. In the United States.

And that's bull-roar. We had the first sighting here in 1946.

And it wasn't just a sighting. It didn't just fly by.

They stopped, and they landed.

The people in Blaine went on board the ship for a potluck dinner.

I've been coming to this landing site every day for two years...

To measure it.

And here's the thing:

The circumference and the diameter...

Change by a few inches,

Yet the radius remains the same.

Which brings me back to the number five.

There are five letters in the name "Blaine."

Mix the word "Blaine" up. Mix it around.

Eventually you'll get "Nebali."

Nebali, the name of the planet...

In a galaxy way, way,

Way far away.

Once you step inside this circle,

The weather never changes.

It is always 67 degrees...

With a 40 % chance of rain, always.

I-I love to make people laugh.

And I've been doing it since, you know, school.

People ask me, "Were you, uh, were--

You must have been the class clown."

And I say, uh, "No, I wasn't."

But I sat beside the class clown, and I studied him...

And saw how he made people laugh.

And-- and so I picked some things up.

And, you know, at parties and family functions,

I have to say, I love, you know, breaking people up.

So there's a thing--

I think I got an entertaining bug...

From my grandfather, Chaim Pearlgut,

Who was very, very big in the, uh,

Yiddish theater back in New York.

He was in the very-- the sardonically irreverent...

"Dybbuk shmybbuk, I said, 'more ham."'

And that revue, I believe, was 1914.

And that revue is what made him famous.

Incidentally, the song, "bubbe made a kishke"...

Came from that revue.

My-my father--

Bless him-- brought me into the business.

This was his dental practice before.

And I joke with my wife that, you know,

At that point, that's when the, uh,

The money started, uh, rolling in, you know.

"Brave making...

"More wampum to buy pelts.

"One happy squaw in wigwam.

Happy as mongoose."

That, uh,

Is, of course, from Johnny Carson,

Who, uh-- one of my heroes in a very funny bit.

Ii when I see lips j‘j‘

J‘j‘ waitin' to be kissed j‘j‘

Ii I can't stop j‘j‘

J‘j‘ I can't stop for that lightnin' j‘j‘

J‘j‘ oh, it's strikin' j‘j‘

J‘j‘ again j‘j‘

Yeah.

J‘j‘ lightnin' strikin' j‘j‘

J‘j‘ again and again and again and-- j‘j‘

I'm gonna do a scene from the movie, raging bull.

"You fucked my wife?" "What?"

"You fucked my wife?" "How can you ask me a question like that?

"How can you ask me? I'm your brother, and you ask me?

Where do you get balls big enough to ask me that?"

Basically, for the last 15 years,

I have been the music teacher...

At, uh, Blaine High.

Um, and...

Part of my job, and a very important part,

Is to put on a show every year,

Which I have done completely by myself.

This year it's going to be different.

Because Corky, uh, being from New York,

Being a professional, uh,

And having put on...

Some very theatrical productions here,

Uh,

Is going to be directing the show this year.

And I'm going to be the musical director, which is different for me.

J‘j‘j‘j‘

J‘j‘ teacher's pet j‘j‘

N I wanna be teacher's pet j‘j‘

J‘j‘ I wanna be huddled and cuddled j‘j‘

J‘j‘ as close to you as I can get j‘j‘

J‘j‘j‘j‘

J‘j‘ teacher's pride j‘j‘

N I wanna be teacher's pride j‘j‘

J‘j‘j‘j‘

Dr. Pearl!

How are you? Ron Albertson. - Yes, Ron.

My wife, Sheila. You remember her from previous bills.

Yes.

- Hello, Sheila. - What are you doing here?

I'm here, uh, you know, trying out for the show.

- Congratulations. - No, why are you here?

I'm try-- I told my wife I'd come out for this show.

And, you know, I thought I'd give it a shot, yes.

A shot, which won't be the first shot you ever gave.

Hope it doesn't leave Corky numb.

It's like pulling teeth to get a discount from him.

Hey, give some caramels to the little girl. Future customers.

J‘j‘ so I can be j‘j‘

J‘j‘ teacher's pet j‘j‘

J‘j‘ long after school is through j‘j‘

J‘j‘ teacher, teacher I love you j‘j‘j‘j‘

Whoa!

J‘j‘j‘j‘

J‘j‘j‘j‘

Maybe just-- j‘j‘j‘j‘

N I dream j‘j‘

J‘j‘ of Jeannie with the light brown hair j‘j‘

J‘j‘ floating like a vapor j‘j‘

J‘j‘ on the soft summer air j‘j‘

Look out! J‘j‘ camptown races sing this song j‘j‘

J‘j‘ doo-dah, doo-dah j‘j‘

J‘j‘ camptown racetrack five miles long j‘j‘

J‘j‘ oh, doo-dah-day goin' to run all night j‘j‘

J‘j‘ goin' to run all day j‘j‘

J‘j‘ bet my money on the bobtailed nag somebody bet on the bay j‘j‘

J‘j‘ bay, bay, bay j‘j‘

J‘j‘ way down upon the Swanee River j‘j‘

J‘j‘j‘j‘

J‘j‘ floating like j‘j‘

J‘j‘ a vapor j‘j‘

J‘j‘ on the soft summer j‘j‘

J‘j‘ a-- n

j‘j‘ air j‘j‘j‘j‘

- Very nice. Very good. - Very, very-- that was very good.

Well, thank you, Dr. Pearl. - Thank you very much.

- Thank you, and-- - we'll let you know.

- Very good. - Thank you.

Thank you.

- He's good. He's good. - He can actually sing.

Wow. - Very nice.

Albertsons?

J‘j‘j‘j‘

Ding dong.

Oh, I wonder who knows I'm vacationing here at the oasis.

- Am I late? - You!

- Surprised? - How did you find me?

I have my ways.

Would you like to come in for coffee?

J‘j‘ you don't need to answer j‘j‘

J‘j‘ there's no need to speak j‘j‘

J‘j‘ I'll be your belly dancer j‘j‘

J‘j‘ prancer j‘j‘

J‘j‘ and I will be your sheik j‘j‘

Ii I don't need a harem, honey j‘j‘

J‘j‘ when you're by my side j‘j‘

J‘j‘ and you won't need a camel j‘j‘

J‘j‘ no, no j‘j‘

J‘j‘ when I take you for a ride j‘j‘

We'll need some coffee to go with that ride, won't we?

You're always full of surprises.

- But, say, I wonder, do we have time for that coffee? - What time is it?

What time is it? Haven't you been paying attention? It's--

J‘j‘ midnight at the oasis j‘j‘j‘j‘

- Oh. Good. - Thank you.

That was great.

- Really good. - Thanks a lot.

Thanks for coming.

Should we leave the-- no, put that back.

- Strike it? - Yeah.

We've done shows for Corky, so we know the terms already. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - Thanks so much. It was fun.

Thank you. - Wow.

I'm feeling good...

About where we stand now with our cast.

"I think that the elements,"

As Dr. Watson said to Sherlock,

"Are coming together, sir."

I'm very excited about Ron and Sheila,

The old standbys, the workhorses.

I call them lunts of Blaine.

Allan Pearl. How do these p-- where do they come from?

Sure, I'd seen him around.

It would never have occurred to me to walk up to the...

Dentist and say, you know, "are you interested in this?"

But I was...

Shopping for my wife, Bonnie.

I buy most of her clothes.

And Mrs. Pearl...

Was in the same shop.

And it just was an accident.

We started talking about pantyhose.

She was saying-- whatever. That's not the point of the story.

But what the point is-- was that through this accidental meeting--

It's like, you know, it's like a hitchcock movie,

Where, you know, you're thrown into a rubber bag...

And put in the trunk of a car.

You find people. You find them.

Something-- it-- is it karma?

Maybe.

But we found 'em. That's the important thing.

And I got Bonnie a wonderful pantsuit.

They took me off into a separate room.

I seen 'em takin' different people off, different ones off in separate rooms.

And put me on a big, white table.

And the guy that take me there-- the one of them that took me...

To examine me, I guess, he probed me.

And then I was in there, l bet, more than three or four hours,

In that room being probed.

At one time or another, different ones of 'em come in.

Four, five, six of 'em at different times.

And all of 'em probed me.

Not all at once, you know. Individually.

Later on, years later, now even still--

It's a funny thing. It happened on a Sunday.

And every Sunday, about the time...

That I was taken on board that-- that ship,

Uh, I find I have no feelings in my buttocks.

Casting a show is really only the beginning of the process.

There's also the whole design concept:

What fabrics will work for the costumes, the lighting.

And it really becomes a "wrasslin'" match, I guess,

Between me and the muse of theater...

- And, most of all, dance. - Mu

I'd like you to close your eyes. I'd like you to try somethin'.

What are you thinkin'? What are you feelin' right now with your eyes closed?

I feel a bree-- a-- you're blowing in my ear.

- Okay, all right. You jumped to a conclusion. - Oh. I'm--

See, what I'm asking for is--

Your first feeling was not that I was blowing on you.

It was more like...

- "Virgin isles" or "Bahamanian"... - Ohh.

- Or "Arubian" or-- - yes.

Yeah, he's at his rehearsal. He's at his first rehearsal.

I don't know what they're doin', 'cause I never been to one.

But I bet they're introducing themselves to each other.

You know, it-- it's gonna be nice to meet some of these, um,

New folks, 'cause, uh, we don't socialize with, uh,

The creative types, you know.

We got our scrabble club and stuff,

You know, and other people with babies.

J‘j‘j‘j‘

the exercises all mean somethin',

Even if you don't know what.

Dr. Pearl, well, he'll come around.

And he'll learn,

Like, uh, Ron and Sheila and I have learned...

That Corky has a vision.

J‘j‘j‘j‘

Woo!

- Oh! - Forget about it!

Forget about it.

With you, it's okay. But with him! He thought--

i, uh--

I'm walking... On air.

You know, I'm--

This is a sensation which is-- forget it.

When I became a dentist, I thought I was happy. But this is--

This is making me nervous now.

Because I could have wasted a lot of years.

I must say, I was very shocked that Dr. Pearl had been cast.

Then I thought--

We're in a glamor profession, being travel agents. He isn't in such a glamorous--

You know, one project-- we have to loosen him up.

He's a little tight, particularly when he's around us, probably.

I don't think he'll mind jokes.

- You're intimidating because you have so much experience. - I can't help it.

Ron is going to help everyone act, 'cause I know-- Ron gives me--

Well, in all the productions we've been in, and when we do scene studies at home together,

Ron will have extensive hour, two-hour sessions of notes for me.

- And it's so helpful-- - it's notes for both of us.

- No, but lately-- - you get most.

He's trying to help me change my instincts or at least ignore them.

Listen, let me tell you why I'm here. We're doing a show.

I won't beat around the bush. We're doing a show that I've written....

About the 150th anniversary of Blaine.

- And I know you're an old Blainian. - Yes, yes.

And you're really right for one of the parts.

It's the narrator in the shovii.

One of the actor parts? Oh, I don't know. - Yeah.

I've heard-- I think you're being modest.

I've heard you've had some history in show business.

Well, you know,

I did have a hankerin' to be an actor...

When I was a young feller when I got out of the coast guard.

But I went to taxidermy school instead.

Well, I took a correspondence course. - Uh-huh.

I'll tell you something, Mr. Wooley.

What I'm looking for in my shows are actors...

And people that are willing to work hard.

Well, i-i am a hard worker, as you can see.

- Oh, I love all the work you've done. - Makes sense.

That's a little gun rack made out of deer hooves. - Oh, yeah.

Boy, I didn't know deers could do that, you know.

I know this comes outta left field,

But I'm looking for another actor.

I was wondering if you had any interest in participating in the show.

Does that appeal to you in any way?

I'm not much of an actor. I'm sorry. - Oh, I--

I never done that-- anything like that before, really. - Uh-huh.

Okay, fair enough. But it might be interesting, you know.

Well, what-- do you get off tonight? What time do you get off tonight?

- I get off at 8:00. - At 8:00 tonight?

- Yeah. - Really? That's a long day.

Yeah. Hey, Dad, this is Mr.--

- St. Clair. - St. Clair. He's a drama guy.

Yeah. And, um, at 8:00, you're off, though? - Right.

I have to tell ya, I'm not much of an actor or singer.

Well, you know, that's what Charles Laughton said.

And look what happened.

Did you change the fan belt on that blue Chevy?

No, I haven't done that yet.

Well, when you get done here, will you get on that? - Yeah.

- Um, so how tall are you? - 6'2".

- Really? - Hmm.

Wow.

J‘j‘ it's all the same j‘j‘j‘j‘

When we say, "nothing ever happens in Blaine,"

Could we try you two singing "Blaine,"

Where we really hear the "n" at the end.

And you guys just go, "nothing ever happens in blay."

Don't say the "n." They say the "n's."

"Nothing ever happens. It's all the same."

And you sing, "it's all the say." Let's try it once.

Okay, Jeannie, one, two, three and-- - j‘j‘j‘j‘

I know it's hard to jump into this,

Because it must seem like a new world.

But we're gonna ease you into it.

If you ever have any questions, you can always call me up.

Give you my-- I have a private number. It's not listed.

So don't lose it, and do not give it out to anyone.

"How high a ridge, I could not tell.

- "For the sun-- - okay, but-- yeah, but not--

- The sun has--" - yeah, not pinching your shirt.

- I want-- I want, you see, hook in those thumbs. - Thumb?

Yeah. There you go.

Yeah. Just-- that's right.

"How high a ridge, I could not tell."

See what's happening with your voice already?

It's almost as if you're squeezing your boobies out.

- It's gonna be goin' out to that audience. - Pushing it right out.

I could try it out. "How-- how high a ridge I could not tell!"

J‘j‘j‘j‘

J‘j‘j‘j‘ keep in time. Okay.

Right. Robin in the nest.

Okay? Right.

Good.

J‘j‘ by the fool in the stool by the fire of yule j‘j‘

J‘j‘ it's the rule j‘j‘

J‘j‘ stools are where there was once a time you'd find a chair j‘j‘

J‘j‘ a chair's for fools everybody wants stools j‘j‘

J‘j‘ stool boom j‘j‘

J‘j‘ from the parlor to the poolroom j‘j‘

J‘j‘ everyone knows our name j‘j‘

I don't want to interfere.

But... I think it would be--

- I think we have to work-- - I can't hear you.

I think we have to work on the music a little bit more.

Fine. - But I don't want to make trouble. So--

I don't really want to do this in front of them.

- But I think-- - where do you want to do it?

I think we have to sit down and make a schedule...

That includes some-- some music time.

'Cause I think Jeanne and I...

- Have to work-- - why are you whispering?

I'm right here, you know?

Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want me to talk louder?

Because l-l think that--

Now it's too loud.

You know, just talk like a normal person, okay?

I think what they were doing was good.

- You rehearse. You rehearse. You get it perfect. - Yes, you rehearse--

You know exactly what you're doing, and then you forget about it.

You said, they learn it, they forget it, and that's okay.

- That's great. - Well, they've forgotten it.

They never learned it. When did they learn it? When do we have the time--

But if they're gonna forget it anyway, what difference does it make?

- You see? It's like one of those-- - no, --

It's like a-- it's a zen thing.

It's like, you know, you know,

"How many babies fit in-- in the-- in the tire?" Thing.

- That whole-- the old joke, you know. - Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. No, you have a point. It's an interesting point.

And how'd you find this place?

Well, we've been, uh,

- Coming here for many years. - Yeah, we come every Thursday.

- With rehearsals, we won't be able to now. - This is true.

In china, they'll kill a monkey at the table, eat the brains right out.

We have friends, Barbara and Bruce, - ewvv.

Who went to china-- I'm sure, you're in the travel business, you've been there.

They went to Peking, where they make the ducks.

And what they say is that the food over there is not as good.

You can't get a sauce as thick and sweet over there.

- The food is steamed. - They didn't have a good time.

They should have called you.

Yeah, we've got some good packages.

If you ever want to get to Miami beach, we got a great package, two weeks--

- Oh, really? - All expense-- yeah.

You get everything you need. Every kind of food in Blaine.

- You know, you got Chinese here, and no need to go. - We're talking about Miami now.

Yeah, we'd love to go. - We got a great package, a week, two weeks.

Like there aren't Chinese people in Miami. - Well, we should.

What does that have to do-- of course.

- "We're talking about china now." - We're talking about Miami.

"Miami. We're talking about Miami now."

Put some food on your stomach before you have more wine.

What's it-- what's it--

Shh. Girl talk.

What's it like to be with a circumcised man?

That is interesting.

I'd ask more, but Ron said the whole Jew thing's--

Hmm.

When Ron had his surgery--

- All right. All right. - I said, "hey, circumcise it while you're at it."

I had never been with anyone else.

- I, well-- - Ron's the only man.

What surgery did he have? A minor corrective surgery.

- Can we have some coffee at this table, please? - It's not minor anymore.

Well, maybe we should change the subject. - No. It's--

I had what, you know, most guys would,

Uh, dream of, you know.

I had to have a penis reduction surgery.

- I'm sorry? - Penis reduction.

- There aren't many. You're gonna say, "I never heard of that." - Penis reduction?

I said, "Ron, do something."

He said, "why don't you get one of those vagina enlargements?"

Dear! Can we have some coffee over here?

Have you tried the egg rolls? Unbelievable. - Let me ask you something.

- You're a medical man. - Yes.

I want to ask you something. If you'd-- - oh!

Oh, for heaven's sake! No, no! No! - Don't do that.

- Doctor, please-- - Medicine man not go near dances with stumpy. No.

Everybody? Everybody?

I have a little announcement to make.

I wasn't gonna tell you.

I sent out ten letters to different producers in New York City.

This is from the Oppenheimer organization.

"Dear Mr. St. Clair:

"In response to your letter,

"Re: Blaine, Missouri's 150th anniversary...

"And the debut of your original musical, red, white and Blaine.

"The Oppenheimer organization...

"Is delighted to inform you...

"That it will be sending a representative,

And enlighten us with his comments."

- How about that? - "We thank you for the invitation."

And it says, "best regards, Samuel Oppenheimer, Jr."

Wow! What does this mean, Corky?

What it means is,

We may be goin' to Broadway!

Oh! Oh! This is great news!

How about that? Did you hear?

My aunt-- I brought out her atlas that I look at a lot--

This big, blue book-- and opened up to "New York."

And it's an island is really what it is.

It's this island... Full of people...

Of different colors and different ideas.

And I can't-- it sounds like a lot of fun to me.

You know, we don't see much of that...

In Blaine.

Italian guys or--

You know, I've watched TV and stuff.

I'm gonna be glad to do the show on Broadway.

And there'll probably be other offers. Keepin' our fingers crossed.

But I don't know if the theater and the stage is for me.

For one thing, there's an awful lot of memorizing of lines.

- And I think you know what I'm thinkin'. - Yeah. That's in the way.

Hollywood.

Uh, even when I was a kid doin' my impressions.

"Here's lookin' at you, babe," and, uh,

"You don't c-care about anyone but yourself."

- I giggling I - Who was it?

Henry Fonda. I always tell her who I'm doin'.

She always laughs and says, "now who is that?"

Back there, there's always the germ in my mind...

- That I'd end up on the silver screen. - Mm-hmm.

You've got the face for it too, darlin'.

I want to try that "less is more" kind of acting,

Where when you're talking to someone, you close your eyes.

And then you look at them when you're not talking to the person.

I mean, open your eyes when you're looking away.

When you talk to the person, you go like that.

Never open your eyes when talking to them.

The Guffman news is really big.

That the cast understand how big.

They don't know the New York thing.

They haven't been through it, and I have.

So it is kind of on my shoulders.

And going to the big apple for the first time,

You know, is such an experience, you never forget it.

It stays with you for your whole life.

Me, you know, right out of the navy, you know, fresh off a destroyer,

Uh, with a dance belt and a tube of chap stick, basically.

Not really much to call my own.

And then basically being slammed down...

For ten or so years.

You know, off-off-off-off-broadway.

And then enough is enough, okay? I get the joke.

And is that gonna happen again? I don't know.

I don't want it to happen again.

In my deepest, deepest of hearts, I do not want it to happen again.

Mr. Guffman brings with him... A reputation,

Something bigger than anyone in this town has ever known.

And if I am to get back to New York City on my terms,

I cannot deliver him... A stinky product.

I really have to be presenting him...

A package, a beautifully wrapped,

Glossy, sweet-smelling show.

What I need from you,

Because you're the bosses of the town, essentially--

And I know that-- is--

This is so hard.

I mean, there's nothing easy about this.

This is like when you're gettin' your legs waxed, and they whip that thing off real fast.

That's what this is like.

I need more money.

How much do you need?

- How much? - Steve's right. How much are you thinkin'?

Okay.

What I need...

Is $100,000.

- Oh, brother! - Corky!

You know, he is good.

Let me explain. Let me explain what--

Oh, man, my heart stopped for a second there.

All right, let me explain what that entails.

I bought it all the way, by the way.

- He's serious. - He's not kiddin'.

Corky, our entire budget for the entire year...

Is $15,000 for everything, and that includes swimming.

I don't have swimmin' in my show. - No, I mean the pool.

We have to keep up the pool. That's everything. The entire year is $15,000.

- We have a manager-- - $100,000?

Look, you're a nice fellow. We're glad you're here.

But if I may be blunt, what's wrong with you?

So what I'm understanding here, and correct me if I'm wrong,

Is that you're not givin' me any money.

So now I'm left basically with nothin'.

I'm left with zero. And which, and which, what can I do with zero?

You know, what can I-- I can't do anythin' with it.

I need-- this is my life here we're talkin' about.

We're not talkin' about, you know, somethin' else. We're talkin' about my life.

You know? And it's forcing me to do something I don't wanna do.

To leave. T-to go out and just leave...

And go home and, say, make a clean cut here.

And say, "no way, Corky. You're not puttin' up with these people."

And I'll tell you why I can't put up with you people.

Because you're bastard people.

That's what you are. You're just bastard people.

And I'm goin' home, and I'm gonna bite my pillow is what I'm gonna do.

Now what do you use on your skin? - Vaseline.

- You use petroleum jelly on your skin? - Mm-hmm. Yeah.

- You are getting away with murder, Libby. - What do you mean?

You're young, and it's okay, but-- - Libby.

Have I told you about-- hi. - Libby, I have an announcement.

- I have to talk to you. I'm gonna have to talk to you. - Have I told you about--

- Excuse me, Libby, I have to talk to you. - All right.

- I'm gonna round this up. - Okay. Hold on. Hold on.

- Dr. Pearl. Good morning. - Good morning.

- We have an announcement. We have to talk, okay? - All right.

Gather around, please. Gather around.

Libby, Sheila, excuse me. Ron.

Thank you. Dr. Pearl. Please, be quiet.

I have an announcement. We've gotta listen up here.

- Excuse me. Are we gonna be vocalizing? - Okay, listen up.

- We will be vocalizing. - Before we start, I'd like to clear my throat.

Good.

Yes, we'll be vocalizing. We'll be doing a lot of-- excuse me, please!

Everybody, let's be serious now just for a moment.

And let's all listen up, okay?

Corky has left the show, and I am taking over.

What I want to do today is start with some music, do dancing and work on our lines.

And my hope is at the end of five days,

- What do you mean? - We will know what we're doing, and we will have a show.

- Corky's left? - You mean, he's left for today or permanently?

Corky's quit the show, and it's my show.

Corky! - Cork!

Corky!

- Here, you go up. - Boy, do that twice a day. That's good exercise.

- Corky! - Most athletic injuries-- is he not answering?

Corky, we love you! - Corky, open up!

Corky, we love you. We want you to live.

- There may be something wrong. Try the door again. - Oh, God. It's us.

J‘j‘j‘j‘

- He wants to be alone right now. - I can't forgive myself if something was wrong.

Just shut up! Just shut up! Jesus Christ!

Crazy people, my God!

I know how he feels too.

I guess I can just go back to the dairy queen, you know.

They said they'd take me back.

I always have a place at the dairy queen.

You gotta stop cryin'.

She hasn't cried this much since the day we got married, honestly.

You know, this is wonderful.

Why didn't I react like this when I was playing football for the Blaine panthers...

And our quarterback went down with a dislocated knee.

- I should've said, "time-out." - 'Cause you're strong, Ron. You're strong.

- You're just a big brick. - Oh, let's delay the game.

And my lip would tremble, and I'd say we have an injured quarterback.

Let's give up. No! You know what we did?

We brought in the second-string quarterback.

When he went down, we brought in the third-string quarterback.

And we went on, and we whipped the pants off of Harry Truman high school.

And next week, went out and mopped the floor with blessed heart of Mary.

And they went on to win the state championship.

To tell you the truth, I haven't even thought about it, not for a--

Not for a second have I dwelled on the fact that the show's over.

I don't, uh, I don't, uh, think about it. I try not to think about it.

And therefore, I, you know, don't,

Because it's a very healthy way to deal with something that is very--

Ultimately, not that important in the long run.

It's not, not, uh, not important at all,

You know, for me.

I'm just so sad for Corky, you know.

I mean, I think these creative people, they're real emotional.

And, um, I think the important thing about show biz people is...

That you gotta have another life.

And h know, you know, uh, he-he-he's got a wife.

I guess she's out of town, uh, because I haven't seen her ln--

I've never seen her, so, you know, that could be the problem.

You know, maybe she's just not supportive.

Corky, without you, there's no show.

Without the show, there's no celebration.

Without celebration, there's no Blaine.

So, you see how it's a domino effect.

You know how dominoes do that.

Without Blaine, I got news for you, there's no Missouri.

Blaine is the heart of Missouri.

What happens if Missouri goes down? You tell me.

We need the magic back in the show is what we need.

And it ain't gonna happen with Lloyd.

Lloyd is a music teacher, and he shops at Wal-Mart. He doesn't even support the town.

But the person who needs you most is Blaine Fabin. - Hear, hear.

- And I'm not just saying that because I am a Fabin. - Okay, okay.

I'm saying that because I just know...

That nobody can touch, um,

That whole... Thing.

That whole thing. Hmm?

You could take a nickel, and you could make it into a million dollars,

Because this man is a genius, and we cannot lose that.

Look what you did with barefoot when you came to this town.

Did you have any budget then? You didn't have $100,000 then. - Barefoot was a perfect show.

- And look what happened to that show. - Great show.

And what about backdraft? You took a little cellophane, and you made it into flames.

- You could still feel the heat. - You know what? You're not wrong.

We need you to take your magic wand and wave it.

And make this town special again is what we need.

Will you do it?

Please. Please. - Come on back, cork.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, everyone.

Please. Oh!

All right. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Okay.

Let's pretend that it never happened, okay?

And let's just jump into "covered wagons."

- All right, let's start from the dance part, all right? - "Covered wagons."

J‘j‘j‘j‘

in a funny way, what the city council did was really give me a challenge.

And it's a challenge that I am going to accept.

It's like in the olden days, in the days in France,

When men would slap each other with their gloves,

And say, you know, "D'Artagnan," you know,

"How dare you talk to me like that, you?"

And smack him.

J‘j‘ stool boom j‘j‘

J‘j‘ from the parlor to the poolroom j‘j‘

J‘j‘ we're in the center of the stool boom j‘j‘

J‘j‘ everybody knows our name j‘j‘

J‘j‘ working, building j‘j‘

J‘j‘ never stopping never sleeping j‘j‘

J‘j‘ working, making some for selling some for keeping j'j‘

J‘j‘ it's the rule everyone has a stool j‘j‘

J‘j‘ just three legs j‘j‘

J'j‘ it's a treat for which a monarch begs hawk your jewels j‘j‘

I did wanna mention one thing. - Mm-hmm.

Specs?

1845, You know, I think,

it's a little problem. - Oh! Oh-oh, oh-oh.

- My glasses? - Yeah.

You're saying, l ca-- - I don't think you should wear them.

Don't wear them in the show? - It's mostly in "covered wagons."

Because I think that that's the one where it's just not as believable.

Of course, when you get further up in time,

- Historically, it's-- - I-I can see a couple of problems,

Nothing major, and nothing that we can't solve.

Uh, one, uh, contrary to public opinion,

I don't see very well, uh, without my glasses.

So, you know, I'm thinking, is that going to be a problem for me?

Just... Look out.

And the other thing, which, uh, is also a problem, is...

I have a very lazy eye,

three, four, five, six, seven and--

J‘j‘ blue sky blue sea j‘j‘

J‘j‘ blue grass blue tree j‘j‘

J‘j‘ there's a fire in our hearts that makes this country strong j‘j‘

J‘j‘ there's a fire in our hearts that helps us sing this song j'j‘j‘j‘

getting off the horse is not a problem. I can get off like that.

But the, uh-- where I'm having a problem is...

Sometimes the horse comes out, and I can't get past the cow.

So, I have to, kinda, you know, do this when I come out,

"Gather 'round for I have news."

I don't know which is more lifelike, the horse or Dr. Pearl.

You.

Corky, here's the phone.

It's Johnny.

Hello. Yeah.

What do you mean?

- Then we back up. - So wait 'til we turn around to you.

What do you mean? What do you mean? What are you saying?

I understand that. No, I understand. Believe me, I do understand.

What you can do is just say, "absolutely not."

Do you understand that?

I-i don't believe that. No, I'm sorry.

I do not accept that. That is not an answer. No.

It's absolutely unacceptable that you would say this now. Not today.

No!

And that's the-- that's the way it is?

Then I just hate you, and I hate your "ass face."

Oh, Corky.

- What's up? - Johnny's not in the show.

His dad said he has to go back to work. He's not in the show.

What does he think this is, school?

That he can be marked absent one day?

This is the day of the show, y'all. - Oh, my God.

- Just, just-- - this is very strange.

Ron, j-j-just let me think for a second, all right?

I've just got to take a breath here...

And try to figure this out, all right?

- It's tight. That hurts. - 0h, I'm sorry.

Okay, you know what? If you could hike it up a bit, you'd get a little more room.

Yeah, well, I am pulling them up.

I'm sort of trying to commit to one side here, dear. - This is Johnny's costume.

And Johnny is a lot-- you know, he's a different body type than you are.

This is-- I'm worried because this won't--

- I'm about five inches away-- - I understand.

Actors, we're at 15 minutes.

We're at 15.

No, no, no, we gotta move now. Come on. Come on. You're gonna have to help me here.

- You gotta help me here. - Wait. Okay.

J‘j‘j‘j‘

- I'm so nervous tonight, ron. - You're gonna be great. You're gonna be great.

- And if there's an empty space, just say a line. - Yeah.

That's what I like to do, even if it's from another show.

Agnes, where's the lilac dress?

- You mean, the purple one? - Yes, where is it?

Honey, I told you to lay off the hot fudge sundaes. I couldn't let the seams out.

- What? It's not here? Agnes. - No, it is not. Hello, sweetheart.

J‘j‘j‘j‘

- Oh, I just dried my makeup. - Hark, a rider approaches.

Oh, god! - That's all right. Just-- careful.

- I hope that isn't too hot. - No, no, it's just fine.

J‘j‘j‘j‘

J‘j‘j‘j‘

May I remind you, please? No glasses for the first number, all right?

Oh, no. No, no. I didn't forget.

Actors, we're at places.

Have a good show, everybody. Break a leg.

J‘j‘j‘j‘

- Don't worry about anything 'cause it's gonna all roll-- - He's not here.

- What? - He's not here.

Guffman? - Not here?

Okay, okay, look. - Should we lower the curtain?

Corky? - No, no, no. Everybody, look, look, look.

I've been through this a million times.

These New York types like to come late.

Believe me, I've never seen one of them come on time in all my years in the theater.

- Take a deep breath. - Good.

Blow it out. He's gonna be here.

Let's just do a good show. Everybody do a good show.

Hands in the middle.

J‘j‘j‘j‘

Oh, howdy!

I didn't see you sneak up on me there.

But if you'd like, you're welcome to share my campfire with me.

I was just fixin' to get me some grub.

Beans.

I love beans.

Big, fat, hot, juicy beans.

Now don't get me goin' on beans,

Or I'll be jabberin' away 'til the sun comes up.

But, you know, now that I've got your ear,

There is a story I wouldn't mind sharin' with ya.

It's a tall tale that grows taller with each passing year.

It's the story of Blaine.

J‘j‘j‘j‘

Well, we've traveled long and far today.

We must let the women and children rest.

Don't you rest on our account, Daniel Potter.

We women are just as strong and resilient as you men.

I do believe ya are, Rebecca. I do believe ya are.

California will be a sight for these weary eyes.

Mine as well, Rebecca, mine as well.

But right now, we need a campfire to warm our souls...

- And to cook our food. - Done.

- That will be quite enough of that, Billy Whitaker. - Just one kiss.

There will be plenty of time for kissin' when we get to California.

If we get to California.

Oh, we'll get there.

Blaine Fabin will lead us there.

Hark, a rider approaches.

Blaine Fabin returns.

Whoa! Hello there.

Whoa! Steady.

Gather 'round, for I have news.

What news? What did your keen and perceptive eyes behold?

Just up yonder, there is a ridge.

And how high a ridge, I could not tell.

For the sun had set and darkness fell before I reached its pinnacle.

Then a strange thing happened.

My nose started twitchin'.

There is a mysterious scent in the night air.

- What kind of scent? - What was this mysterious scent?

It was the scent of saltwater.

- Saltwater? - Hub-hub, hub-hub, hub-hub.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our destination.

We have reached the pacific.

Welcome to California!

J‘j‘j‘j‘

J‘j‘ grab your feller by the hand j‘j‘

J‘j‘ welcome him to the promised land j‘j‘

J‘j‘ grab your lady by the arm j‘j‘

J‘j‘ take her out behind the barn j‘j‘

J‘j‘ everybody dance j‘j‘j‘j‘

That was great.

Sixty years went by and the town of Blaine kept a-growin' and a-changin'.

Every time you looked around, a new house was goin' up, a new family was movin' in.

- Oh, hurry, Agnes. - Oh, I am trying to hurry. There we go.

You got my hat? - Your hat? Right here's your hat, darling.

McGillicutty's orchard became the Blaine elementary school.

They even laid track for that newfangled invention, the iron horse,

Which brought a pretty important visitor to Blaine.

Yea! It's president McKinley.

Good people of Blaine, they told me my next stop was Wichita.

But I said, "what about Blaine?"

Hurrah! Hurrah!

I guess I need a new travel agent.

Mr. President, in honor of our visit--

Your visit-- to our town,

I present you humbly with this fair key to our city.

Well, I do declare, I believe the key to the city is larger than the city itself.

Wait, Mr. President.

- Well, what have we here? - It's a footstool. I make them.

Well, isn't that interesting?

I'll take this back to Washington with me.

And every time I rest my feet, I'll think of Blaine.

Now we all know that politicians aren't used to keepin' their word.

He's here. - Who's here?

- He's here. - He's here. I told you.

Should we start over again? Let's do "covered wagon" again.

Well, before you know it,

Everyone, rich and poor alike, had to have a Blaine stool in their home.

The little town never knew what hit it.

Footstool factories sprouted up like, uh, like toadstools.

Everyone had a good job. Everyone was makin' a good wage.

Blaine was on the map.

J‘j‘ by the pool in the school by the fires of yule j‘j‘

J‘j‘ it's the rule there's a stool there's a stool j‘j‘

J‘j‘ stools are where once upon a time j‘j‘

J‘j‘ you'd find a chair a chair's for fools j‘j‘

J‘j‘ everybody wants stools j‘j‘

J‘j‘ stool boom from the parlor to the poolroom j‘j‘

J‘j‘ we're in the center of the stool boom j‘j‘

J‘j‘ everyone knows our name j‘j‘

J‘j‘ working, building never stopping never sleeping j'j‘

J‘j‘ working, making some for selling some for keeping j'j‘

J‘j‘ you will drool at the splendor of these magic stools j‘j‘

J‘j‘ it's the rule j‘j‘

J‘j‘ everyone has a stool j‘j‘

J‘j‘ just three legs it's the treat for which a monarch begs j‘j‘

J‘j‘ hawk your jewels use the money for stools j‘j‘

J‘j‘ stool boom just three legs and watch the sales zoom j‘j‘

J‘j‘ like a fever it's a stool boom j‘j‘

J‘j‘ and it's spreading out from Blaine j‘j‘

J‘j‘ working, building never stopping never sleeping j'j‘

J‘j‘ working, making some for selling some for keeping j'j‘

J‘j‘ working, building never stopping never sleeping j'j‘

J‘j‘ working, making j‘j‘

J‘j‘ some for selling some for keeping j‘j‘j‘j‘

phew!

[Can't wait to see the second half.

Allan, his dramatic work. I mean, I knew he was funny.

And I knew he could, you know, move, dance, 'cause he's, he's that way.

But I think his dramatical work is so moving that, uh, well.

I mean, I called Joyce, and I said,

"Joyce, bring Joshy, 'cause I gotta feed him halftime because I'm just busting."

This is good. Boy, they're movin'.

They're dancin' all over the place. And the songs are very catchy.

Uh, very catchy. I can't get a few of 'em out of my head.

It's almost to annoying point, but I think it's good when a song is catchy...

From the little experience I have in show business.

You know, I knew that Corky could act, and he could direct, and he could produce.

But who knew that he was gonna act and sing and dance?

You know, he can just do everything there is to do.

And there's only one other person in the world that can do that,

And that's Barbra Streisand.

He is, uh-- I don't know-- an inspiration to this town.

That's what he is.

And I for one am very glad to see that johnny savage dropped out of the show.

Because a couple of years ago he came in the drugstore,

And he tried to steal my stamp machine.

And that kid is no good.

You could tell just by his parents he's no good.

And he would not have added anything to the show.

Where Corky, on the other hand-- look at him. Did you see--

God, I wish I was in the show!

J‘j‘j‘j‘

I hear that French girls are very pretty,

That they wear the finest of clothes.

I also hear that they are experts in the ways of love.

Ima, I'm going to fight for my country.

To fight, and yes, perhaps, die,

Blowing through their hair.

Oh, monty, I didn't mean to doubt you.

It's just sometimes I feel as if I don't really know you.

I would still pay--

N a penny for your thoughts j‘j‘

N a dime for your dreams j‘j‘

J‘j‘ would a shiny new quarter j‘j‘

J‘j‘ buy a peek at your schemes j‘j‘

M and when you are away j‘j‘

J‘j‘ so far from my side j‘j‘

J‘j‘ I will cherish my penny's worth j‘j‘

J‘j‘ 'til at last I'm your bride j‘j‘

N a penny for your thoughts j‘j‘

J‘j‘ let's call it a deal j‘j‘

If I don't have any secrets j‘j‘

J‘j‘ you know how I feel j‘j‘

That's it. No, no, here, here. Go right there.

- Where, where? - The curl. You know where I like the curl.

- Ron, I have to get myself ready. - There it is. There it is.

Nice. Now a little fluff here, and you can work on yourself.

J‘j‘ a penny for your thoughts it's settled and done j‘j‘

J‘j‘ I'd have offered a million j‘j‘

J‘j‘ I'd have done it for none j‘j‘

If I reckon we're in love j‘j‘

J‘j‘ and married we'll be j‘j‘

J‘j‘ and all for a penny j‘j‘

J‘j‘ a bright copper penny j‘j‘

J‘j‘ the penny that brought you to me j‘j‘j‘j‘

It was so good. I told you you'd be able to lift me like that.

Oh, you were right. - You lifted me up!

Yes, after our brave fighting boys returned from the war,

Things got back to normal in Blaine,

Until one summer night in 1946,

When unexpected visitors put us back on the map.

- Where are we? - How did we get here?

Is this a dream?

Look, what is it?

I don't know. It looks like one of them new feed storage bins.

That ain't no feed storage bin.

- How did it get here? - It must've flew.

But it don't have any wings.

Then I guess it just dropped from somewhere up there.

Citizens of Blaine, do not be alarmed.

We will not harm you.

We come in peace from a planet far, far away.

A place we call Mars.

- I've heard of Mars. - Where's that?

Stand back and your queries will be answered.

Look out!

- What do you want from us? - Hey, good question, earthling.

It seemed like it was time for a change, time to take a trip...

To see the exciting places in the galaxy.

For you see--

J‘j‘ nothing ever happens on mars j‘j‘

J‘j‘ no sports or entertainment or swingin' bars j‘j‘

J‘j‘ you stand around you stand some more j‘j‘

J‘j‘ on the planet named for a roman god of war ii

J‘j‘ nothing ever happens on mars j‘j‘

J‘j‘ no supersonic airplanes no sporty cars j‘j‘

N the sun comes up the sun goes down j‘j‘

J‘j‘ you can't go through the country you can't go to town j'j‘

J‘j‘ boring, boring boring, boring j‘j‘

J‘j‘ boring, boring boring j‘j‘

J‘j‘ boring j‘j‘j‘j‘

Well, the town of Blaine has packed a lot in the last 150 years.

We've had our ups, and we've had our downs.

We've seen our past, and we look forward to the future.

And when the challenges come, we'll greet 'em the way Americans always do:

With grit, determination and pride.

Because that, my friends, is America.

And nothin' says America more to me...

Than Blaine!

J‘j‘j‘j‘

J‘j‘j‘j‘

Corky! Corky!

- You were good. - You are so brilliant. You're brilliant.

Cliff, you're great. Everyone was so great.

- Oh, Dr. Pearl! - Oh, man.

- Corky, you did it! - Oh, thank you.

I'm gonna get Mr. Guffman. I'll be right backstage. - Okay.

That was great.

- Hello. How are you? - Hi.

- It's nice to meet you. - You too.

- Boffo socko, Corky. - Thank you so much, Mr. Mayor. Thank you.

- Wait'll they hear about this at the next mayor's conference. - Thank you so much.

Well, I know we have a lot of work to do.

The first act needs--

- It was magical. God! - Thank you very much, Steve.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you so much.

We've got the first act again. It's just, you know, it's up and down.

Kind of dippin' and that, and I know that.

- We don't have the time to do everything. - Yeah.

So, I'm gonna ask you point-blank.

- Do we have a shot to go to Broadway? - Yes, I think so.

Oh, oh, mama mia. Oh, that is such good news.

I can't tell you what news that is to me.

- Would you like to meet the cast? - I'd like that. Yeah.

Oh, great. Come on with me, you.

- That Blaine babe and i-- - everybody!

Yes!

- Our cast. - Thank you. You were just great.

Well, I'd like-- please, introduce yourselves.

Sheila. Sheila Albertson.

- You were great. - I was?

Mrs. Ron Albertson. I'm Ron Albertson. A pleasure performing--

This came a couple of hours ago.

- I'm sorry. I'm just now getting it to you. - Oh, thank you, sweetie.

Clifford Wooley. Nice to meet you. - Mr. Wooley.

- Allan Pearl. - You make me laugh.

Oh, oh. It's a delight to meet you, sir.

Well, I'm sure that Mr. Guffman would like to say a few words to us.

Hear, hear. - Speech, speech, speech.

Well, I think there's some mistake.

My name is Loomis, Roy Loomis. I'm down from Deming.

I came down. My niece had her first baby.

Uh, it's a boy, and that's what the balloon is for.

I just wanted to tell you how absolutely wonderful you all were.

And, uh, thank you.

And, uh, I'll be seeing ya and bless you.

He's gonna love this. Oh, boy.

Take our, uh, makeup off.

"Snowstorm in New York.

"All flights canceled.

Mort Guffman."

I think the one really important thing that I learned,

Uh, from my whole experience in working with Corky...

Is that I do indeed have talent.

And a couple of things, actually.

B: I have to entertain.

I have to entertain.

And you have to go where you are needed.

You have to go where the crowds are.

And you have to go...

Where the love is.

And the love for me, right now, is in Miami,

Not Blaine.

J‘j‘ my bubbe made a kishke she made it big and fat j‘j‘

J‘j‘ my zaydeh took one look at it j‘j‘

J‘j‘ and said I can't eat that j‘j‘

J‘j‘ oh, mama, mama, mama oh, mama, me, oh, my j‘j‘

well, here we are in the land of dreams.

And don't let anybody tell you dreams can't come true.

- We're an hour from the snow. - Uh-huh.

- We're 20 minutes from the ocean. - Uh-huh.

- Two hours from the Mexico. - Uh-huh.

- Five hours from Vegas. - Uh, five hours from Las Vegas.

- And we're gonna get there one of these days. Yeah. - Soon as we get a car.

We don't have a car yet. Who wants to add to the pollution?

We consider ourselves bi-coastal...

If you consider the Mississippi river one of the coasts.

Uh-- - extras, let's go. Over here.

All right. Time to get back to work. That's what they're payin' us for.

- Come on, kid. - Why can't they refer to us by name?

Why can't they say, "Ron, Sheila, over this way, please"?

Still the same on the paycheck. Hi, how ya doin'? - All right.

You're doin' a great job, incidentally.

- Smile. - Are you gonna smile?

I think we should have a line.

I gave him some suggestions. He didn't want to hear it. He's busy.

- Line dancing. We should be line dancing. - That's a great idea.

Quiet, please. All right.

Put your finger up like this. Are you smilin'? - Quiet, please.

I was on my way to New York, and then my dad got out of prison,

Which is good.

He was supposed to be in there for ten years,

But, I guess, since he didn't kill anybody...

And just ruined some property...

That, um, they let him out after five.

So, it's-- I'm here with my dad,

And, uh--

I've been thinkin' of ice cream and stuff and what I can do with it.

Maybe come up with-- we have a blizzard, and we have a breeze.

We have derbies, and the derbies are really old.

They've been doin' derbies, you know, the chocolate dipped,

For, I think, 20 years or somethin'.

I really wanna sort of make a healthy,

Low-fat or nonfat, uh, healthy...

Blizzard.

The first thing I did when I moved back to New York City...

Was to look up Mr. Guffman.

And he was so sweet.

And I think he felt a little guilty too,

Because he's offered me the chance to audition for his new Broadway show,

Which is a revival of my fair lady.

It's one of my favorite shows of all time.

And the role is of Henry Higgins,

The somewhat stern taskmaster,

But he-really-likes-her-anyway- kind-of-thing guy,

Who teaches Eliza how to speak correctly.

And she, of course, is of the cockney persuasion and drops her h's.

And I've been workin' on that at home, the whole cockney thing of,

"'ello, 'ow are 'oo?

Do you want to go to 'artford? Not live in this 'ell 'ole" and that kind of thing.

I think I'm honing in on it pretty close now.

And I suppose that the "cake and eat it too" part of this whole story is...

That another dream of mine has come true,

Which is, I've gotten to open this shop,

Where I have all my show business treasures and all my memorabilia.

This is, without a doubt, one of my favorite items,

Uh, my dinner with Andre action figures.

And what you can do, which is so cute,

Is, uh, you can reenact the whole scene,

You know, where the two guys talk to each other, and say, you know,

"Boy, I'm sure glad you've found a good restaurant.

It's so hard these days to get in."

You know, "who do you know?"

"Oh, I just called, made a call, spur of the moment."

"Oh, you. You can always get a reservation."

You know, that's not from the movie,

But you can make up your own dialogue,

Which is one of the great things about action figures.

I'm trying to get-- it's very rare--

The one-- the action figures for Das Boot,

'Cause I love to do that whole, you know,

Kind of claustrophobic thing inside the sub,

Where they're, you know--

you know, that whole German thing.

Can't speak German, but it sounds like, uh, you know,

Sort of a bunch of barnyard animals--

Mach-mach-mach-mach-- you know, making that noise and sweatin'.

Uh, over here, these are my big heads,

I call' em, starting with Anthony Michael Hall,

One of the "brat packers."

In fact, there's-- in the background there-- there's Andrew McCarthy.

Over here is some new lunch boxes we've gotten in.

They're remains of the day lunch box.

And the kids, they're just havin' such a good time with these.

You know, kids don't like eating lunch at school,

But if they've got a remains of the day lunch box, they're a whole lot happier.

J‘j‘j‘j‘

J‘j‘j‘j‘

J‘j‘j‘j‘

J‘j‘j‘j‘

J‘j‘j‘j‘

J‘j‘j‘j‘

J‘j‘j‘j‘

J‘j‘ there's not much pleasure j‘j"

J‘j‘ but not much pain j‘j‘

J‘j‘ 'cause nothin' ever happens j‘j‘

J‘j‘ zero ever happens j‘j‘

J‘j‘ bupkes ever happens in n

J‘j‘ Blaine j‘j‘j‘j‘