Original subtitles

How did you know...

that was the blue one?

- I do not know, master. - You do not know?

No.

I humbly apologize for my ignorance, master.

I will do anything to prove my worthiness.

You have been to the movies again, I see.

Full of disciples falling to their knees...

at the slightest hint of their master's displeasure.

Leroy, this is not a punishment.

It is a celebration.

You have touched the final level.

You knew without knowing.

We have finished our journey together.

But, master...

the final level.

The glow. You always said that...

That when you reached the final level...

you would know it by the appearance of a sublime glow...

all over your body. Come, Leroy.

Get up.

What you seek is not written on the floor.

The final level is a return to the beginning.

This is the Last Dragon.

A cycle is complete...

and now there is a new emptiness to be filled...

a new journey which you must make alone.

- I am confused. - Good.

Good. Confusion is a part of life, as are vengeance, fear and love.

All facets must be embraced...

for then and only then...

will you break through the wall of mystery to the glow.

Master, perhaps with more time to train.

- Master, I need more time. - I am no longer your master.

Leroy...

if it is a master...

you must have...

there is an old sage called Sum Dum Goy.

He is said to be the wisest man in the universe. Go, find him.

He is here in New York.

Take this. It was Bruce Lee's.

When you find the master who will take you to the final level...

give it to him.

Go now, my son, on your journey.

Go.

Go.

Mr. Lee?

Are you ready?

Bolo.

Joints and bags! Joints and bags!

Put his butt on the chuck wagon and send his ass to the dogs.

In his butt.

- Shuffle on him, Bruce! - Sting him!

For real though.

That's that, man, and there ain't no coming back.

Oharra's treachery has disgraced the house.

- Hey, is this part of the show? - What is this?

Oh, patty-cake shit.

- Am I the meanest? - Sho'nuff!

- Am I the prettiest? - Sho'nuff!

Am I the baddest mofo lowdown around this town?

- Sho'nuff! - Well, who am I?

Sho'nuff!

- Who am I? - Sho'nuff!

I can't hear you.

Sho'nuff!

The shogun of Harlem.

Crunch, seats.

This is Sho's row. Move it.

I said, beat it!

I know who can beat you!

Who said that? Beast, find who said that!

I got him, Sho. I got him.

I got him, Sho. I got him.

Here you go, Sho. Here's the roach who said it.

Who's badder than the shogun?

Bruce Leroy, that's who!

Bruce Leroy?

Bruce Leroy?

That's the only guy that stands between Sho and total supremacy.

Well, well, well.

If it ain't the serious...

and saucy Leroy Green.

I've been waiting a long time for this, Leroy.

I am sick of hearing these bullshit superman stories...

about the "wahsa," legendary Bruce Leroy...

catching bullets with his teeth.

Catches bullets with his teeth?

Nigga, please.

The secret awaits eyes unclouded by ambition.

What?

Those who are bound by desire...

see only that which can be held in their hands.

See, now it is mumbo jumbo like that...

Yeah, yeah.

...and skinny lizards like you thinking they're the Last Dragon...

that gives kung fu a bad name.

Get up, Leroy.

I got something real for your ass in these hands.

We gonna settle this once and for all because I am back.

The shogun is back on the scene and the shogun is the master.

Why don't you sit down and shut up?

What? Why don't I sit down and what?!

I said, "Why don't you sit down and shut up?"

Why don't anybody who wants me to sit down and shut up...

come down here and make me?

Why don't any 50 of you who want me to sit down and shut up...

come down here just for the fun of it?

Yeah, come on, fool.

This fool's mine.

Jack him up, baby!

Don't hurt that face, baby!

Yeah!

Leroy! I'm going to...

You'll never use this foot again!

Jack him up!

Leroy!

I'm gonna get you, Leroy...

because I am the shogun!

And I will not rest until everybody knows...

shogun is the master!

You wimp.

Still hungry, are we?

I've got a surprise dessert.

Live from Seventh Heaven, it's Laura's Video Hotpix...

brought to you by Coca-Cola.

Coke is it.

Soon that's gonna be you, Angie...

dancing around on that screen, ain't that right?

Hey, Angie, baby, soon that's gonna be you up there, huh?

Oh, yeah!

That's my girl!

My little dodo turd-brain's gonna be a star.

If you'd have put this energy into getting me a title fight...

maybe I'd have been on my way to Vegas now.

You lost, Rock, you lost.

Every fight I got you.

"The Great White Hopeless," they called you. Remember?

What do you think they're gonna call her?

A goddess is what they're gonna call her. A goddess.

What she'll do to people has never been done.

- Make them run for cover? - That's cute.

And now, for my video hot-pick of the week...

And it is hot.

I say we rock on with DeBarge.

"Rhythm of the Night."

I don't know what you're doing anyway.

Give me five minutes, Eddie...

and this chick will beg to play this thing.

You got no class. I know how to handle these types.

You gotta wine them, dine them, let them order à la carte.

After all, me and this lady, we got a lot in common.

She's the video-rock queen, but I, Eddie Arkadian, am the video-game king.

She's got the audience, I got the vision. A match made in heaven.

Jesus!

I told you to get rid of that thing.

You also told me, "Keep it. It comes in handy." Remember?

Yeah, yeah, I remember. Damn, that thing gives me the creeps.

Come on, we're just talking about one dinner out of your life.

Come on, at least have dinner with him.

J.J., I would love to help you out...

but my show is booked solid for the next four weeks.

So you're just gonna have to wait.

- Honey... - Please, we've got a show to do.

Will you at least look at the videotape?

- J.J., there is no point. - Laura, there is a point.

The point of the knife which is at my neck.

He'll slit my throat if you don't do this. Come on!

What are you talking about, J.J.?

- Who's gonna slit your throat? - Sit down, we've got a show!

Laura, this guy plays rough.

Thirty seconds, Laura.

What guy? Okay. Tell me, J.J., who?

- Eddie Arkadian. - Who is Eddie Arkadian?

Arkadian is a heavy dude who wants to have this videotape...

played in the worst way. Come on, Laura.

Fifteen seconds, Laura. Come on. Come on. Let's go! Let's go.

Give me a break.

Why don't you just call a cop, okay?

My life is not filled with all that craziness.

- Five seconds! Four. Three. - Tell whatever his name is to forget it.

- Arkadian. Laura! - Two. One. You're on!

Thank you, everybody, and welcome to Seventh Heaven.

I'm glad you made it. I'm glad I made it.

Today my special guests, the tastemakers...

from the now generation, with my Cloud Crowd.

Yo, J.J., my main man! What's happening?

What?

That's Saturday at 5:00...

Nobody turns down an Eddie Arkadian invitation.

Nobody.

So come and join us because the winner...

will get a Seventh Heavenly evening out on the town with me.

What do you think about that?

How about a kiss?!

Who said that?

- I said it! - No, I said it!

A kiss?

Well, you never know.

But here's one for now.

Got it!

Yeah.

That's my babe.

- What you talking about? - That's my woman up there.

She don't know it yet, but she's mine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, here she comes.

- Laura! Oh, Laura, sign here! - I love you, Laura!

- Please! - We love you! We love you, Laura!

We love you!

- How you doing tonight, Sal? - You just sit back and relax.

Sal got sick.

- Hey, what are you doing? - The right thing, Miss Charles...

which is what you're gonna do if you got half a brain.

- Help! Help! Somebody help me! - Put her in the car!

Come on, get her in here.

- Help me, somebody! - Get in the car, bitch!

You...

I would not do that if I were you.

You little punk.

Hey, what are you, crazy? Huh, tough guy? Come on!

Your mother. All right?

Come on, tough guy.

Come on! Come here!

Stay there for me. Stay there.

Stay there.

Help!

- Are you all right, miss? - Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know. I guess so.

What about you? Are you okay?

They did not harm me.

Your things.

That's okay. I can get them.

It seems that everything is safe now.

Yeah.

You sure you're all right?

Yeah, really. Just a little shaken up, I think.

God, what was that all about?

I don't believe it.

You were really something, boy.

I just don't know how to thank you.

- Did you see where that guy went? - Yeah, he's right...

I don't know. What? You getting in or what?

Come on, honey, let's go.

Where is that deejay lady anyway?

I mean, what's the big deal?

Can't she just meet us there?

Angela, sweetheart, shut up.

But, Eddie, I'm hungry. I wanna go!

I said, shut up!

Oh, jeez. Don't cry.

Listen, Laura what's-her-face is gonna be here any second.

We don't want our star to look like a little pig peed in her eyes now, do we?

Then knock it off.

Don't bug me! Fix your face!

Shut up!

As soon as the chick gets here, we leave, okay? Okay.

- Now, boss... - Boss.

Boss, don't get mad because it wasn't our fault.

- There was nothing we could do. - Her bodyguards.

There must have been 20 or 30 of them.

- These big... Yeah, black guys. - Black guys!

- Yeah, with chains. - Chains, clubs, they had everything.

They had pipes, bats, they had everything!

All right, all right!

So the broad wants to play tough, huh?

All right.

Two of us can play that game.

Hey, Rock! Come here.

Got a little job for you.

The tank?

Bring her back in one piece, will you?

Chinese GoJu is my secret.

I bear no arms.

Chinese GoJu is my secret. I bear no arms.

May God help me if I ever have to use my art.

May God help me if I ever have to use my art.

Conscience is our guide.

Peace is our shelter.

Beauty and perfection is our life.

See the courtesy.

Break.

Johnny, what are you doing?

Well, you see, Leroy, you know how you're always teaching us...

to master the art of fighting without fighting?

Well, I did you one better.

I mastered the art of fighting without knowing how to fight.

You see, people...

People are afraid of Oriental dudes.

Give them a little move, a little scream...

and lots of attitude.

Check this out.

Johnny...

to seek safety, one must go to the heart of danger.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The sign outside says this here school is for instructions in the martial arts.

So we thought we might get some lessons.

Yeah, where do we sign up?

- How many yen? - I'd like to learn kung fu.

- Come on, hot stuff. - Come on, Leroy.

Teach me something.

I do not wish to fight you.

Well, who do you "wish" to fight, then?

One of them? Or one of the ladies maybe?

Yeah, since you're too much of a sissy to fight me...

maybe they're more your speed.

Get him, girls.

Maybe you can get a rise out of this limp wimp.

- You wanna wrestle? - Hey, little girl.

All you've got is this bod, and that's it.

I would love to peel this banana.

Come on, handsome, show us your stuff!

How about a little kiss on my fist?

He's too much of a gentleman to hit a lady.

Who looks scared to me!

Yeah! Come on, Leroy!

- Yeah, that's right! Bow, sucker! - Yeah.

Bow down to your master!

Yeah, coolie, kiss my Converse.

- So sorry. Excuse me. - Bow!

Bow!

Kiss Daddy's shoes.

- Bow! - Kiss Daddy's shoes.

- Bow! - So sorry.

- Bow! - I'm sorry.

Bow!

Bow!

Enough!

You wanna fight?

You fight me, you big, ugly, smelly-breathed sucker!

How about you, string bean, Rick-James-looking fool?

Beast, kill him!

- Get him, Beast! - That boy's in trouble now.

Bow down or I'm gonna snap this clown in two!

Yeah, that's right, fool.

Kiss them.

Down.

Beast, let him go.

You may not wish to fight me now, sucker.

But you will. I'm gonna see to that.

Sayonara.

- Who's the master?! - Sho'nuff!

- Who's the master?! - Sho'nuff!

- Who's the master?! - Sho'nuff!

- The shogun of Harlem! - Yeah!

Yeah!

Sometimes it is hard to live the way of the wise.

Hey, Reloy!

Your papa-san, he wants you in the kitchen, man!

Green Sanitarium, warden speaking...

and our inmates are off to a promising start this morning.

Who's calling? Yo, Roy.

I can't come now.

I'm held captive till the coolie kid comes down from the roof.

He's becoming one with his brain again. Yeah.

All right, I'll catch you later at the rehearsal. All right.

Hey, let me get this straight.

The prize in this contest you hope to win is a date?

"Am" gonna win.

And it ain't no thing and the prize ain't no date.

- A night with Laura Charles is an event. - Oh, excuse me.

Mama-san, Papa-san...

Richie-san...

Lotus Blossom-san.

Isn't that nice, Sophia?

Pretty chopsticks, Natasha.

Thank you.

I wish you all would decide on one name for this poor child.

- No wonder she's so confused. - Bless this food.

It is to build thy body temple. Spiritualize it.

Telling you, Pop, the boy is off it.

Stupid old clothes, won't mess with no babes.

- People talk, you know. - Richard, leave your brother alone.

I can't help it if he's weird.

You're weird, man, really weird.

Richie, when I first started my business, people said I was weird.

A black man with a pizza shop.

Now there isn't a hungry soul in this town that doesn't know my slogan:

"Just direct-a your feets-a to Daddy Green's..."

- "Pizza." - Hi, I'm Laura.

Watch yourself, son.

My personal choices for Video Hotpix of the week...

That's my babe, Pop! That's my date for tonight.

Because it's alive...

and very, very exciting.

- That is her. - You telling me?

You better believe that's her. That's Laura Charles.

So you remember now, every weekday night at 8:00.

Laura Charles.

- I would like to see her. - Well, who wouldn't, fool?

"I would like to see her."

No way the queen is gonna be looking at no walking fortune cookie.

"I would like to see her."

- Well, I'll see her today, at rehearsal. - You know where she is?

- I know where she's gonna be. - Take me to see her.

I ain't taking you nowhere. You might embarrass me.

You're too weird.

You do not understand. She may have something I need.

I knew it would happen sooner or later.

You stood on your head so long, you broke it.

Look, let me break it down to you.

You seem to be wanting to broaden... Get it? ...your horizons.

You let a lot of good years roll by without even testing the old equipment.

Now, even you being a disgrace and all, I'd be less than a man if I didn't warn you...

there's an art to making love and you don't even have a paintbrush.

You gotta know the moves, baby. You know, the moves.

Richie...

I am not concerned with moves.

My concern is something else.

Else? What else is there?

Please, I must see her.

I don't see why I'm getting so upset.

Go on, go after a goddess if you want to, but let me tell you something.

The worst thing that can happen to you is that she says yes.

Ain't no woman like that gonna hold still while you figure it out.

Not only do you not know when to do something...

you wouldn't know where to put it if you did.

And, Leroy...

it can really hurt if you don't know what you're doing.

Richie, I must go to this dance contest.

I ain't taking you nowhere, and that's final.

Please.

Kiss my hand.

Richie, please.

Maybe I'll take you...

if you carry me all the way on your back and rap.

- Rap? Me? - Yeah.

What it smell like? I think I have it.

What it is? What it... What it look like? Do it.

Yeah, baby.

Do it, do it. What... What it be like? What it...

Okay. That's it, that's it.

That is it, stop.

Stop right here.

It is pit... It's just pitiful.

- Give me one more chance! - No. It is pitiful.

Put me down.

Put me down.

It's pitiful.

Richie, where are you going? Are you not gonna buy tickets?

Of course I'm gonna buy tickets!

I never buy tickets, you shrimp-fried-rice head, you.

Man, if anyone asks you, you ain't my brother, okay?

What?

You ain't my brother, that's all. Now, come on!

Come on, move it!

See, man, messing around with you, now my boys don't even know I'm here.

You're not trying to enter without paying, are you?

Chill out, chopsticks. Let me handle this.

There must be another door.

I'll be back. Just stay right here and don't move.

- And if anyone asks, remember... - I know, I ain't your brother.

Why wasn't this sound check done sooner?

I don't know. I only do what I'm told. We try for perfection!

Help!

Let me go!

- Help! - Let's go, Tony!

Help!

Help!

And to think how I found them in your suitcase.

Don't you love it?

Doll, did I do you a favor or did I do you a favor?

So you're gonna play my video, huh?

No.

Maybe you didn't hear it right.

So I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Are you gonna put my video on your show or aren't you?

I'm gonna tell you one more time. The answer is no.

It's not that I don't like it.

- It's just that it's not the right... - Right!

Right time of the night to look at it.

That's what she was gonna say, wasn't it, honey?

Oh, Eddie, she's just tired.

Tired, huh?

She's gonna be dead tired, she's not careful.

Okay, I tried to be a gentleman about this!

I was gonna take you out to a fancy restaurant.

Let you order à la carte, huh?

All I wanted was my video on your show...

and now you say no.

Okay, that's it. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

Rock, let's go.

Eddie, you're not gonna do what I think you are?

Who's gonna stop me?

Who's this? We didn't order out.

Get him the hell out of here! Get him out of here now!

Who the hell is this guy? Get in there! Break his face, will you?

What are you guys waiting for? Get going!

Are you on vacation? Move it!

Get in there!

Get going!

- Oh, I'm sorry, Miss... - Angela.

Angela Viracco.

Bums.

I do not think Miss Charles enjoys your company.

It would be best that you leave her alone.

I don't know who you are, pal, but you're in a lot of trouble!

Hothead needs cool water.

No, no, no!

- No. No, not the tank! - No!

No!

No!

Eddie.

Come, you will be safe now.

- Eddie, are you all right? - Get away from me, you dumb broad!

But, Eddie, you're all wet!

Oh, honey.

Look at this, it's all wet. You're all wet.

Rock, get this damn thing out of here.

That son of a bitch is history.

Oh, God, I can't believe this!

This is enough to drive you crazy.

You do this kind of thing every day?

You are too much.

Who are you?

I am Leroy. Leroy Green.

- It's nice to meet you, Leroy. - Oh, it's nice to meet you.

I need a drink. Why don't you come inside?

Miss Charles, there is something you may be able to help me with.

You can call me Laura.

Laura, the other night I lost a medallion and...

That thing that looks like a belt buckle?

Belt buckle?

- Is it gold? - You have it?!

Yeah, I got it. Why don't you sit down? I'll go get it for you.

That is wonderful.

Just promise me that you won't vanish as soon as I give it back to you.

This is so you'll never lose it again.

I am deeply in your debt.

It is very valuable to me.

I know what it's like to lose precious things...

and then, of course, to find them again.

You thirsty?

From the clock's chime to the cock's crow is but an instant.

I must go.

Oh, excuse me.

I'm sorry.

"Cock's crow"?

All right!

- What you looking for? - For the master.

Ain't no masters here, dude.

Ain't no slaves either.

Is this not his fortune-cookie factory?

The master, he doing his wisdom thing.

I seek only wisdom of the master.

You want wisdom, you buy fortune cookie.

- Take a hike, cool breeze. - Yeah, baby.

Please, I must see the master.

- It is very important to me. - Look here, chump.

The master don't see nobody, especially no jive coolies.

He don't see no one who don't know how to get down, baby!

- You dig, bro? You too square, man. - Square, dude.

Let me say it so he can understand it, Jim.

You go now. Chop-chop.

"Haulee" ass out of this place.

- Am I saying it right, my man? - That's good. That's good.

Like, hasta la pasta, you know?

Ciao, baby.

- Auf Wiedersehen, baby. - Sayonara.

- Catch you on the flip-flop. - Sayonara.

I was told...

I could find Leroy Green here!

I'm Leroy Green. Who are you?

Who am I?

Sho'nuff!

I am the shogun of Harlem...

and the Leroy Green I'm looking for...

is a little punk that thinks he's a kung fu master.

- You mean Junior? - Yeah.

- "Junior." Where is he? - "Junior"!

Don't know. Not sure I'd tell you if I did.

- Not sure you'd tell me if you did?! - Wait a minute!

- Leave him alone! - Please, Mama, hold it! Wait a minute!

Hold it. I'll take care of it.

Well, how about I leave him a little message, then?!

Tell him when I found out he wasn't here...

I was all broken up.

Oh, my God, my table! What are you doing?

Crunch, Beast, Cyclone!

- Do it! - With pleasure.

- No! - Hold it, please, fellas! No, not that.

- Please, don't do that! - You stop it!

Mama... The walls... My shop!

Oh, God.

Don't break the table!

Go, go!

- I'm gonna kill you! - Take it easy, honey.

What, are you crazy? He's the Beast.

- She only hit you with dough! - You gonna die!

All right, enough is enough! Y'all better chill out.

- Richie, you stay out of this! - You better chill out, man!

I said, chill out!

All right, take it easy!

Please, take it easy.

Tell...

Who plays this garbage?

Shut up, bitch!

That's not even mine! I don't own that!

Tell that chicken-hearted son of yours...

to name the place.

Because now he's got to fight me.

Yeah.

Can I kick?

- Come on. I got you. - Oh, my God. Look at him.

- Oh, my God. - Sit down.

You all right, Rich?

You all right now? Look at this. What the...?

What happened?

Sho'nuff happened, that's what. And it's all because of you!

Everyone knows you're scared of him.

Kissed his shoes and everything.

What good is that kung fu jive if you can't even use it?

Coward.

Why don't you go someplace and meditate on that?

Coward.

Coward.

Coward.

Chinese GoJu is my secret!

May God help me if I ever have to use my art!

Love is our law!

Truth is our worship!

Form is our manifestation!

Conscience is our guide!

Peace is our shelter.

Peace is my shelter.

Peace is my shelter.

Have to use...

Hello?

Hey.

I don't mean to bother you, but...

maybe I should just come back another time, huh?

Listen, if this is a bad time, you know, I can just...

Do you know, the strangest things keep happening to me.

I mean, I seem to be attracting the craziest people.

So I thought that maybe it would be a great idea...

if I got myself a bodyguard...

you know?

Like, someone to guard my body.

Anyway, you seem to be the best qualified. I mean...

a girl could do worse than to have her own real, live kung-fu master.

I am no master.

You sure look like a master to me.

How about it?

How about what?

Bodyguard.

- Hello? - Bodyguard?

Yeah, I want you to be my bodyguard.

- Have you heard anything? - There is much I must do.

I am sorry. I cannot.

Leroy! Leroy!

Yo. Excuse me.

- That's okay. - Say...

you're Laura Charles.

Forget it. I will go. Don't...

- That's okay. - I won't bother you.

- It's okay, I was just leaving. - Leaving?

Please, just give it some thought, okay?

Laura Charles. Laura Charles.

Just let me know if you change your mind.

I said, I cannot help you.

He can't help you? Of course he can help you.

Look at that, he's just... That's hot. He's sick. The boy's...

All that yoga. Hi, my name is Johnny Yu.

- It's a pleasure to meet you. - Hi, Johnny, it's nice to meet you.

She said it was nice to meet me.

Laura Charles said it was nice to meet me!

She said it was nice!

She...

Yeah.

- This is your résumé? - I like the cropping on that picture.

You did the incinerator murder?

Yeah. Yeah, I trashed the little lady.

Double?

Why should you get double...

what everybody else is getting, huh?

Beautiful! Beautiful!

Save it! Save it.

Give that man anything he wants. Give him a bone.

Make sure you take out for the table.

All right, that's enough.

- Looks terrific, sweetheart. - Yeah?

Just needs a couple more steps. And you girls looked great too.

Why don't you take a break and get out of those clothes?

Here are some quarters.

- Go have a good time. Come on. - Yeah.

- Go, go, go. - Bye, girls!

- Bye, baby. - Ciao, Angie, baby.

You know, to tell you the truth, Eddie, I'm really getting tired of all this.

I mean, that deejay lady, she's never gonna play our stuff anyway.

She'll see the light...

as soon as I get that Leroy character out of the way.

What do you mean, "out of the way"?

Sweetheart, you should see the talent I got lined up out there.

If this deejay broad don't wise up, she's gonna be dessert.

And it's all for you, sweetheart.

All to make you a star.

Now what do you think of your lover boy, huh?

All for me?

All for you, sweetheart.

Well, I mean, if it's really all for me...

Oh, I don't want you to kill anybody.

Are you out of your mind?!

Nobody does what he did to me and lives! Nobody!

You know what I've been thinking, Eddie?

I think that maybe you're trying to use me to get what you want.

I mean, just like you tried to use Rock.

Yeah, you were gonna make him this big heavyweight champion.

Sure. Sure, until he lost a fight.

All this glamour and stardom...

it's all for you, isn't it, Eddie?

You know, Angie...

a lot of girls out there would like to trade places with you.

Now, if you're unhappy with all of this, why don't you just walk out?

Go have a nice, normal, boring life.

To tell you the truth, it couldn't be any more boring...

than hanging around here...

while you guys go play cops and robbers.

Where you gonna go, Angie?

Without me, you're nothing!

Without that outfit, you're just another no-talent, school dropout...

from Kew Gardens getting by on her tits!

And in the end, Eddie, you know what?

You're nothing but a misguided, midget asshole...

with dreams of ruling the world!

Yeah, also from Kew Gardens.

And also getting by on my tits.

Where do you think you're going?!

To elocution class!

What for?

- Kill him! - Yeah!

Get that son of a...

- Yeah! - Did you see that?!

Sho'nuff is the master!

Sho'nuff! Sho'nuff!

- Number one! - Can I pick them or what?

Shut up!

- Am I the meanest?! - Sho'nuff!

- Am I the prettiest? - Sho'nuff!

Am I the baddest mofo lowdown around this town?

Sho'nuff!

I can't hear you!

Sho'nuff!

Yeah.

Sho'nuff! Sho'nuff! Sho'nuff!

Keep your money.

You just get that sucker to the designated place...

at the designated time...

and I will gladly designate his ass...

for dismemberment.

Yeah. Hey. Well, whatever.

Anyway you wanna do it.

It'll certainly be my pleasure, Mr. Nuff.

Put it away. Come on.

- Looking for me? - Yes.

I mean...

I thought I wasn't exactly on your favorite persons' list.

That is why I came by, to apologize for the way I spoke.

I did not mean it towards you.

Great.

Then you'll be my bodyguard?

I'd love to, but I must complete a mission first.

A mission?

You see...

I am in search of the final level where the spirit takes over...

from the mind and guides the body without thought.

Okay. Listen, you stay right here, okay?

Don't move. I'll be back in five minutes.

Don't disappear, okay? I'll be right back.

A great fighter, for instance...

might get just his hands to fill with such power...

that they would get the glow, which could be deadly in evil hands.

Yet, if these hands belonged to a master...

Like Bruce Lee.

Yes, exactly!

...someone who has reached the final level and could make his whole body glow...

the beauty he would be able to create would be without bounds.

Imagine the wonder someone like this can bring to the world.

That's a beautiful dream, Leroy.

Now, I know you're gonna love what I've got to show you at the studio.

What's wrong?

Calling Leroy.

I am sorry, but it's just...

What? Tell me. Come on.

You see, I have this friend.

- Yeah? - And he is very shy.

And he came to me for advice.

And I, well...

It is something I thought you can help me with... Him with.

Okay, I'll try. Tell me about it. What is it?

Moves.

Moves?

You see...

my friend, he has never been...

- He likes this girl. - Yeah?

But he has never been with a woman before.

He does not even have a paintbrush.

Paintbrush?

He cannot even draw.

- Draw? What are you talking about? - You know.

The art of making love.

- Moves. - Oh, of course.

- I'd love to show you some moves. - No, no, no.

It's not for me. I said, it is for my friend.

He is the one.

Okay, anything you say.

Is it not kind of hot in here, Miss Charles?

I'm telling you, I don't need a contest to win this date because I got juice.

Why don't you just give up?

Your delusions of grandeur about love with her is just a wet dream.

Don't be no fool, Jack.

Baron Von Rick's got a more direct route to the target.

Watch out the target don't shoot you down.

- Why not write her a letter? - Or make an obscene phone call?

Because that's as close as you're gonna get.

You two play a game if you want to.

I'm gonna sit right here and wait for her to show up.

And the rap I'm gonna lay on her...

is gonna make Romeo seem tongue-tied.

Make her melt like hot butter all over my body!

Go, Rick.

Ain't nothing gonna stand between me and my destiny...

with the sweet lips of Lady Laura.

This place is great.

Fists of Fury!

That's it, man. Enough is enough.

- I'm gonna go. - Wait a minute! Wait!

Something's going on in here.

You think it's her?

There's only one way to find out. Come on!

What? Where are we going?

Shit!

- Hey. Wait up, man! Wait up! - Forget it, man.

This is great!

I ought to slap that sucker with a suit for alienation of affections!

If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't know where she was!

- Chocolate-covered yellow peril! - Chill out, man!

Wait for me, will you? Come on, man, wait for me!

That sucker better start sleeping with one eye open.

There's gonna be a serious case of chop-socky justice coming his way.

Maybe you just don't understand him.

If she likes him, he must be doing something right.

Leroy wouldn't even know what to do with that.

Looked like he was doing all right to me.

What's that?

Chinese Connection.

He has disguised himself in order to get...

Get into the villains' lair!

Why did I not think of that before?

I must go.

Thanks a lot, Bruce!

- Where are you going? - Back to claim what's mine!

Leroy?

Ran out on you, huh?

Don't cover up for that Ping-Pong playing...

chow mein for brains, kung fu head!

What are you doing up there?

You come down here before you hurt yourself!

Now. Now.

I don't understand what you see in him!

Leroy?

We meet again, Miss Charles.

No!

Let me go!

Get your hands off my woman!

I said, get your hands off my woman!

Let me go, you big baboon!

All right!

Little Joe, man! You pay up, bro!

This is craps, man! You pay me!

Hey, man, you blind, man? The book says "Little Joe"!

- You pay up, blood. - You can't even read the book, blood.

Hey, my man.

What it look like? No.

Hey, my man, what it look like?

Hey, my man, what it look like?

Hey, my man.

- What it look like? - What you want?

I am the soul brother like no other...

to deliver this pizza with bean sprouts.

Pizza with bean sprouts?

Yeah, we make anything, dig?

Just direct-a your feets-a to Daddy Green's pizza.

Now, if you bloods would show me where I can find the master...

You sure the master ordered this pizza?

The man himself.

You're going to release his beast if it gets cold out here.

Buddy, I'm gonna rip your face off.

- No, no. Wait, wait, wait! It's okay. - "Okay"?

You the same fool that came dressed as a coolie?

No, no, no. We all just look alike.

My man. Brother.

"My man."

Yo, bro!

My man, the master, he split, you know?

- Split? - Yeah, he's not here.

So why don't you chill out with us?

Smoke a little herb. Sip a little wine, huh?

Oh, no, I had too much already.

Soul brother!

- Soul brother! - All right.

You know how to shoot craps?

- Craps? - Craps!

Craps!

Oh, yeah, craps.

- All right! - All right!

Right on!

Mr. Leroy?

Mr. Leroy?

Are you in here?

Sorry, miss, I didn't mean to scare you that bad.

Oh, that's all right.

Is Mr. Leroy here?

No, he's not here, but...

how about something in a medium-sized Oriental?

No, thanks.

I'm not Jewish.

Is this where he does all that stuff?

Oh, yeah, I do it too.

Oh, that's really wonderful!

Yep.

Well, you see, I'm on my way back to...

Kew Gardens.

You gotta tell Mr. Leroy that...

he better stay away from Seventh Heaven.

Why?

Because of my former producer, associate...

and boyfriend, Eddie Arkadian.

He's gone crazy.

Tonight's show is conceived...

written, produced, directed and starring...

Eddie Arkadian!

Tonight, we make show-biz history...

my way!

We're getting funky to the smooth, cool sounds of Fast Eddie A!

What's that?

Fire.

Who is she?

Charlene.

She got a manager?

I don't know.

Fire!

This is sure one strange game of craps, soul brother.

- Oh, yeah. - Hey.

This is how we play in Harlem.

You want to play like soul brother number-one?

- Yeah! Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah.

- You play like this. - All right, I'm sorry.

Now it is your turn.

- Do not step on the line. - Right.

My man.

- Right on! - Right on.

- Nine. - That's nine.

Two, three, five. Right?

Turkey!

- Oh, shit. - You turkey.

What time is it?

- Where is the master? - "Master"?

Looks like my man forgot about his pizza.

- I must see him now. - No, no, no.

The wise one never sees nobody.

He will see me.

- I have this. - What you got?

Hey, check this out!

It's nice. I like that.

Okay, here, come with me.

I will see him now?

- Yeah, come on. Sure. - Yeah.

Just wait here.

Where is the master?!

I want to see him now!

Please, please, please! There is no master!

- You lie! - No, it's true!

We made him up to sell more fortune cookies!

- Tell him! - It's true.

- Please! I'll show you! - Show him.

- Over here. I'll show you. - Yeah, show him!

Show him, show him!

This is Sum Dum Goy.

Why?! Why, master?

Why have you sent me on a journey to find someone who does not exist?

Why?

So you have not found the master that you seek.

There is no Sum Dum Goy.

He is a computer.

Why have you done this to me?

Here.

It contains everything you need...

to find your way to the golden glow.

Think, Leroy.

You have just opened a fortune cookie without a fortune...

written by a master who does not exist...

to find the solution to a problem...

whose answer you already know.

And this?

You needed a charm.

A true master would use this to hold up his pants.

Enough.

There is one place that you have not yet looked.

And it is there, only there...

that you shall find the master.

Now, if you will excuse me, my plane leaves shortly.

You are going on a quest for knowledge?

No, I'm going to visit my mother in Miami.

Leroy! Leroy!

Are you actually gonna fight them?

Well, you... You can't be serious!

Leroy, I never would've told you if I thought you'd actually go there.

Oh, what are you, nuts?

You're not going all alone, are you?

Are you?

All right, then. Then I'm going with you.

If you go, I go!

Okay.

Okay?

Do you plan to fight with only your bare hands?

Do you not need a weapon?

Weapon, right!

Hey! Hey, Leroy!

What are you doing? This isn't funny, Leroy!

Johnny, I am sorry.

I must do this alone.

Leroy? Leroy, come back here!

Leroy, come back here!

Leroy! I'm afraid of the dark!

Leroy.

Leroy! Leroy!

- Gag her! - Right, boss.

Come on!

The key. Wait. Okay!

Put the key in the latch and turn it!

- Okay, I'm trying! - Well, try harder!

Okay!

Okay, you can come out now!

Come on, let's go!

Where are we going? We already missed the second show.

- Would you just come on? - Okay!

Leroy!

Leroy!

Welcome...

to my little party in your honor, Leroy.

The guest list has been compiled...

so that you go out in style.

You don't mind if my friends introduce themselves, do you, Leroy?

Then let the games...

begin!

Bravo, Leroy!

I'm gonna whack this guy and get it over with now!

Give me that thing!

Goddamn it, take that off! I said, take it off!

You gotta ruin everything! The time, money, the energy I've spent!

Get it off! Get the broad!

Attaboy, Leroy!

You're a bunch of wusses, you know that?

More volume!

All right!

Way to go, Goliath!

Go for it, boys! Give him a lick!

Go, Johnny!

Come on! Will you make it interesting?

Good! That's one for you!

Johnny! Are you all right?

Oh, shit!

- Come on! Come on, young buck! - Who, me?

Johnny!

Come on, you miserable slob!

God, what a slug!

You got it, Johnny!

Move out. Come on. Plan B. Let's go! Move out! Come on.

Let's get the hell out of here!

Go, go, go.

- Come on, will you? - Move it. Move!

Come on.

Come on.

Leroy!

This way!

Hey, Leroy!

That was almost worth the price of admission in there!

And to think, the featured act is yet to come!

Come on, Leroy!

Bozo, you go that way. Just go.

Come on, come on.

Holy shit.

Let her go, or next time I will not miss.

Next time, I won't miss either!

Got you now, you little punk.

You'll never use that again!

- Come on. - Leroy! Let me go!

- Get off me! - Leroy!

Let him go.

Anything you say!

Richie.

Richie.

Richie.

Let me at him.

- Let me at him. I'll save you, Laura! - Are you all right?

Of course I'm all right.

I gotta save Laura.

You are not going anywhere.

- Leroy, I wanna help! - No.

- I've got to save Laura! - You'll be safe here.

Leroy, I gotta save Laura!

I was doing all right till the guy got the drop on me!

Leroy!

Leroy! Come on, man!

Leroy!

You warmed up yet?

Yeah.

Come on, Leroy, let me out!

Leroy!

Be careful.

There's nothing like this on stage, screen, radio, TV, or cable, baby!

This is an exclusive!

Get him, get him! Come on, hit him!

There, nigga, please!

Duck, Leroy! You can't do that to my brother!

- Get him, Leroy! - Yeah.

That's the way! Get him, Leroy! Get him!

All right, come on.

Stings a little, don't it?

Come on, Leroy.

You can run, but you can't hide.

Leroy!

Yeah.

Playtime's over, boy.

Yeah.

Ain't this beautiful, huh? I love it. I love it.

This is theater!

Now...

when I say:

"Who's the master?"...

you say:

"Sho'nuff."

Who's the master?

We need a better view. Come on, ringside seats!

Now, I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Who is the master, huh?

Wait a minute, sweetheart! Wait.

I love you. You stay here.

Who's the master?!

I can't hear you, Leroy!

Drown him, for Christ's sake! Will you drown him?!

Who is the master?!

I said, who's the master?!

I can't hear you.

Who is the master?!

There is one place that you have not looked.

And it is there, only there...

that you shall find the master.

You sure look like a master to me.

All right, Leroy, who's the one and only master?

I am.

- No! - I am.

What the...?

Oh, shit!

Goddamn!

Let me go! Let me go!

Holy shit.

Okay, come on.

I applaud you, Leroy.

That's a great finish.

Not the ending I had in mind, but it's a great finish.

You see, a .45 will put an end to all this kung fu crap.

All it takes is one little bullet.

So take your final bows, scum sucker.

- Leroy! - Oh, my God, no!

Get on him, Leroy! Go, Leroy!

Drown him, Leroy! Drown him!

Drown that sucker!

What?! No! Oh, God, no!

- All right! - No, wait! No! Jesus! No, listen!

I've never seen anything like that. I mean anything. No, wait!

Listen, we can make a deal!

We could make money! You get foreign rights...

I'll take domestic. What do you say? Wait.

You can have both, foreign and domestic!

Just give me a finder's fee!

Okay, all right, no finder's fee.

You can have the whole thing!

Let me pass. We've got a television show to do.

- Excuse me. - Laura, where have you been?

We've been looking all over for you. You're late.

How can I have her ready on time?

Look at you. You're a mess.

I don't have the right tools with me.

Richie. Where'd he go?

Where have you guys been?!

Listen, I'd like to report a mugging.

My friend and I, Mr. Nuff, we were minding our own business.

We were assaulted by these hoodlums!

We're lucky to be alive!

Save it, Arkadian! You're going up for good this time!

- Never! - Come on, you're due in the studio.

Let's go.

Ready for commercial.

Would you teach me some moves?!

Yo, man, check out the cornball!

He ain't no cornball!

He's my brother and he's the master.