Original subtitles

Man over p.A.: It's valentine's week,

When the greendale human being is the cupid being,

Delivering your gift to that special someone.

But remember, cupid's face is magic marker on nylon,

So love is not only blind

But also dizzy and a little belligerent.

I'm chaperoning tomorrow's dance.

You should come.

Maybe your study buds'll go.

What's the blonde's name, bitter, butter--beetlejuice?

Oh, britta. Yeah.

She says valentine's day ritualizes a connection

Between affection and candy

So girls can learn the ropes of prostitution.

No date.

I'm gonna join you at that dance.

But as a novice boyfriend,

Could I get a map of the minefield

Known as women's valentine expectations?

Every day of the year,

I want you to do what makes you happy.

Tomorrow I'm gonna be happy spending the night

With an insatiable statistics professor.

Jeff, it's the registrar's office.

Seems you were wrong about paying tuition

With airline miles.

We're gonna need a check- -female voice: Message deleted.

Britta, drunkenly: - Jeff winger.

I am calling you.

You're probably--whatever.

so wassup?

Oh, it's the cupid being.

Oh, ooh!

Oh, now it has arrows. That's safe.

Oh, it's from the cook with the long beard

In the cafeteria.

I guess when he said,

I'm gonna git you,

uh, he meant chocolates.

Oh! A flower from vaughn.

He's away on a vision quest.

You got something, abed?

Another muffin basket from another actress

Who wants to be in my next film.

- Does that work? - Yep.

Meryl streep has two oscars because of her baking.

Oh, that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect.

This sounds way more like sarcasm.

Inflection is so interesting.

That big bag, uh, at the bottom,

Is that for me?

Anything in there for troy?

Troy barnes?

Barnes, troy?

Barney miller?

Who cares about getting things?

It destroys the true meaning of valentine's day:

The birth of saint valentines.

Oh, good. Now it has arrows. That's safe.

Sorry I'm late. - That's okay.

Actually, you look very early.

Oh, god, I'm really late.

- Yes, you are. - Yeah, see you later.

Can I get you something?

Water, smelling salts,

An alibi for cobain's suicide?

No, but you can help yourself to a shorter forehead,

A non-keebler nose, and shutting up.

Mm, that stings.

I mean, not the words.

The clouds of bourbon vapor forming them.

A girlfriend from my anarchist days was in town

And we drank.

Everything.

Yeah.

And then you said, "I should call jeff."

Yeah.

'cause the first thing I do when I'm having fun

Is think about--

jeff winger.

I am calling you. You're probably--

Whatever.

so wassup?

A drunk dial.

So much subtext, so much intrigue.

So much of what the kids are calling b.C.I.

That's, uh, booty call implication.

Oh...

What happened to britta?

Justice.

Having spent the year denying her attraction to me

Just to be alternative, britta called me.

At 3:00 a.M. Just to ask,

"what's up?"

A drunk dial? Was there b.C.I.?

Booty call with a capital "b."

- This can't be good. - It's no biggie.

We--we give each other crap all the time.

Well, that's the point.

What crap can she give you now that you hold all the cards?

You've shifted the balance, like in a sitcom

When one character sees another one naked.

Is that really a sitcom staple?

i>- No, I have no idea what I'm talking about.

I'm abed, I never watch tv.

Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

i>- Now we all know that in ingles,

The rooster says, "cock-a-doodle-doo."

In espanol, the gallo says,

"quiquiriqu�, quiquiriqu�.

Quiquiriq�, quiquiriq�, quiquiriq�--"

What? I'm teaching.

I'm sorry.

Aha! I knew you were holding back.

Aw! It's from the girl I'm dating.

Yeah, I met her in biology.

She was looking for geology and misread the sign.

Yeah, I said, "we do not study countries in here."

Yeah, she's-- she's dumb, but--

But sweet.

Yeah, mine's from danielle. She's a...

A lovely lady in my marketing class.

We're sleeping together.

They sound like very lucky ladies.

Yeah, they're not made up.

Beep, beep. Oh, my god, what's going on?

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

My bullcrap meter's going crazy.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep--

Oh-ho!

It's these presents you've obviously sent to yourselves

To make it look like you have girlfriends.

That's ridiculous.

This is obviously your handwriting, mr. Tremor.

And yours is signed, "love, troy"?

I tell you, this is the most pathetic thing

I've ever seen in the classroom.

oh, my god.

Look at him over there.

Cutting the gristle off his steak

As ruthlessly as he cut off troy and pierce's dignity.

Ew! Now he's eating the gristle.

I'm so sick of chang.

Always tearing people down,

Making them feel horrible about themselves.

Somebody needs to humiliate him the way he humiliated our boys.

Hey. Moustache.

Get me a juice box.

Now!

Hey, you can vomit onto this food,

Because it already smells like it.

Yeah. Totally.

My law firm went on a retreat to disney world once,

And I got so drunk that I got into a fight

With animatronic ben franklin.

Why are you telling me this?

Well, the point is, is that when I'm sober,

I don't secretly hate ben franklin

Or even think about him.

So you drunk dialing me,

I mean, it's not, like, a big deal.

You're pitying me now.

Well, you're acting really weird.

I'll talk to you in class, okay?

Just... Leave me alone until then.

Beep, beep, beep. What is going on here?

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep--

My doody meter's going crazy.

Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

Okay, leo, I'm not feeling it.

I really need to believe that you're holding

An imaginary doody meter.

The problem is not me.

It's you and your stupid script.

Idiot!

That's the anger. Use it.

Wow.

One papa john's commercial,

And he thinks he's christian bale.

Look, uh, you were right.

Britta is totally weird around me.

It does feel like I saw her naked.

It's a resident premise.

Tony even saw angela naked on the opening credits

Of who's the boss?

And did tony do something to fix that?

I don't know.

I could never get past the opening credits.

But when chandler saw rachel naked on friends

To even the score, rachel needed to see chandler's penis.

All right.

I'll show britta my penis.

Jeff, please don't waste my time.

I lose my chang to cub scouts in 20 minutes.

so, so what?

To even the score, I have to drunk dial her?

Isn't that absurdly simplistic?

Would it even work?

Maybe.

Huh, no room for error.

She'd have to believe it was real.

Have you ever acted drunk before?

I can totally do it.

I'm fine.

I can drive.

I can totally drive right now.

Give me my keys.

That's enough--

- No, hold on a second. - All right.

Guys, seriously, give me my keys.

Okay, that's a wrap, people.

I want you to be at my place at 4:00

So we can work on this.

Well, I-- no, I can't do that.

Here's why.

Dumbest idea ever.

Jeff, you know britta's defining weakness.

She cuts and runs.

If you do this half-assed and fail, she may leave.

Then we all lose her.

That's not gonna happen, not on my watch.

That's a deal breaker. Saddle up.

Sorry I lost my cool. I just quit smoking.

Kid's gonna be a star.

He's a young "the asian guy" from lost.

An- try it again.Chew.

Come on.

You're a big guy.

Action.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Hey, britta.

Your call got my thinkin' and thinkin' got me drinkin'.

Stop. That was terrible.

- What? - Mm-hmm.

You know, I can get drunk alone

If that's what helps people act.

Well, that's your problem, jeff.

You've been acting your whole life, okay?

It's time to pass that act up

And find the actor that's playing you.

Oh, they're gonna love you in california.

Do you like britta?

Sure. Who doesn't?

Over half the people that meet her.

They could be put off by her vacuous mannequin face.

And her jodie foster severity.

But you're different.

Oh, you know, she's no barrel of monkeys.

She--she wants everyone to be honest,

But she lies to herself.

She's seen the world, but doesn't get it.

She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter

Than a youtube comment section.

She's passionate, which I find stupid.

But entertaining.

Attractive.

There was only attraction at first

Because she bothered to play hard to get.

- Mm -hmm.

I'm happy with michelle.

Yeah, slater is low maintenance.

Mm. The lowest.

Britta's irritating, impossible, unpredictable,

And she didn't like you so it felt useless to like her.

Slater likes you how you are, expects nothing from you,

You're safe from change.

And passion.

- Watch it. - Watch what?

A phony drunk dial soaked in phony pity

That insults britta even more?

Or... A believable performance

Informed by feeling?

You know...

I am sure you're a good director,

But you're a horrible drinking buddy.

I mean, I can't feel things

With you studying me like a beige praying mantis.

You're right.

I thought you never drank.

Scorsese drank with de niro.

� �

� things are clear in black and white �

� the living color tends to dull our sight �

� like dynamite �

� if we dare expose our hearts �

� just reveal the purest parts �

� that's when strange sensations start to grow �

� we are not alone �

� you find out when your cover's blown �

� there'll be somebody there to break your fall �

� we are not alone �

� 'cause when you cut down to the bone �

� we're really not so different after all �

� after all �

� �

All right, class. Turn to page--whoa.

Looks like the law firm of seacrest and slumdog's

Taking the day off.

Ooh.

Another special delivery from troy and pierce's

Imaginary lovers?

Wait a minute.

Oh.

That one's for me.

all righty.

Doggy. Now, ch-ch--

Wow. It's from princeton.

They want to make me associate professor

Of the spanish department?

They're telling me I can name my price?

Oh, my god.

At princeton? Come on!

You two idiots really thought I'd fall for this, huh?

This is your pathetic attempt to punish me

For humiliating you.

But we didn't do it.

Save it!

As punishment,

Because you two obviously don't have any girlfriends,

You will escort me to the valentine's dance

Wearing elegant ladies pantsuits.

yeah, right.

you'll do it

Or you'll fail my class.

You can't do that.

Have you met me?

I mean it.

Tonight, you are my bitches.

Holy crap.

Abed.

Abed.

Ow.

It's 3:00.

What happened?

The last thing I remember is...

You were dancing like that girl

In that movie...

The kids in detention?

i>- Breakfast club.

Dear god. What have you done to me?

Wait. Did I call britta?

Where's my phone?

Got it.

You made two outgoing calls.

One to britta, one to your girlfriend.

I don't remember either of them.

Neither do I.

And I don't remember the name of the girl

In the breakfast club.

Mary.

Margaret.

Molly ringworm.

You broke me.

I still can't believe I'm a size 14.

I know that 12's a little tight,

But I could have pulled it off.

Are you guys really going through with this?

We have to. He'll fail us.

Yeah, but we're gonna find out who wrote that letter.

We have leads. - Yeah.

It was written on fake princeton letterhead.

So whoever wrote it worked at princeton,

Ran out of stationary,

And didn't have time to go to the store.

- Um, you guys-- - mm-mm!

What?

Women's sizes run slimmer.

I'm sure you're a 12 everywhere that it counts.

Well, I'll take every little victory I can get right now.

Hmm. You look about ready to marry courtney love.

That's the reverse of my zinger from before.

Okay, please stop shouting. All right.

I feel like that person in the tv show.

Do you remember calling me last night?

Yeah. Why?

Are we cool?

Oh, yeah.

Have a seat, drunky brewster.

Let's study.

Balance restored, I guess.

Movie reference.

� �

Hey, there.

Happy valentine's day.

I've been calling you.

Yeah, I know.

I figured I'd just let it go to voice mail

In case you had the wrong number again.

Elaborate?

Oh, you don't remember calling me

At 4:00 in the morning and hanging up

When you realized I wasn't britta?

I guess not.

Michelle.

Michelle, um...

I was trying to call britain to order you toffees.

Now that may sound dumb,

But I needed to open with it

To make the truth less ridiculous.

You see, two nights ago, britta drunk dialed me

And it embarrassed her and made her sad.

And the only way for her to get her power back

Was for me to get believably drunk

And leave her an equally embarrassing message.

It sure seems like you and britta are friends

The way my mom's pool cleaner was my uncle.

Have you had sex with her? Not even a little.

What doesn't make sense is that you did

All this work to put a smile on her face,

But you can't pick up ice cream for law & order night

Because it feels too marriage-y.

First of all, chubby hubby?

I mean, could you pick a scarier flavor?

Let's talk about this later.

I need to chaperone... Something.

� I love that hop how it hit �

� everybody stay up on the tip �

� 'cause they love it when the bass knock �

� and I love it when the bass kick �

� everybody feel it in your soul �

� oh, oh, although you'd never know �

� gimme the microphone and let me go �

� everybody hitting the dance floor �

� here the bass go � - � so so incredible �

� so cute, them boys go wild �

� so sweet I'm edible... �

There he is. Oh, no.

I thought I'd be embarrassed, now I'm just scared.

I'm seriously reconsidering

How much I want this language credit.

Remember what we said.

Never let him see us cry.

Right. Okay.

One, two--

- Wait! - Keep your coats on.

We're the ones that sent the letter to chang.

What?

You work-- you work at princeton?

We were mad at him for humiliating you.

Well, nice fix,

Tweedle dum and even tweedler dum.

Look. We're gonna tell chang the truth.

And we'll pay the price.

Wait.

We-- we can't make you do that.

No, he's right. We--

First we gotta get out of these pantsuits

And you can put them on.

Look, pierce, this whole thing started

Because you and I were ashamed that

We didn't have ladies that cared about us.

And the good news is, we obviously do.

The bad news is...

That it makes it our manly duty

To protect them tonight.

- Oh! - Oh, that's nice.

But we really can't let you do that. It's--

No, he's right. He's right.

Step aside.

- Oh! - Ooh.

Let's handle this like men.

Yes.

� I'm going crazy �

� I'm going crazy �

Oh, ladies...

They're gonna be okay, right?

Get in my mercedes.

Just look away, baby.

� �

Just look away.

� 'cause they love it when the bass knock �

� and I love it when the bass kick �

� �

� 'cause they love it when the bass knock �

� and I love it when the bass kick �

� �

� 'cause they love it when the bass knock... �

Whoa.

Looking for someone?

Yeah. Slater.

Very funny.

You know, when you called me last night

And invited me to the dance, I was shocked.

And...Thrilled.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

No. No. Look.

I'm sorry. Uh, I don't--

I don't remember asking you to the dance.

I don't remember anything.

And now slater knows about all the drunk dialing stuff

And I'm in the dog house.

And if she finds out about this, it's over.

So again, I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.

And you are messing with me right now, aren't you?

I knew you didn't remember anything

From that phone call last night.

You got dressed up just to see me sweat?

Oh, believe me, you're worth it.

Sorry, just chaperoning. Enjoy the dance.

Wait, michelle.

Jeff. What's left to say?

Uh, I--I don't know.

I do.

He said it last night.

so look,

I am really into michelle,

And I don't wanna screw it up.

She's a perfect girlfriend.

And I want you to be as happy as me

Because you're, like, my favorite friend, so--

girlfriend, girlfriend.

I'm sorry. Abed just made a turtle face.

Hey, britta!

In his defense,

Abed's turtle face is really funny.

Thanks, britta.

Yeah, thanks.

Yeah.

That was the first 20 seconds of a 40-minute message.

Very informative.

Happy valentine's day.

Perfect boyfriend.

Yeah. That's me.

Man, I cannot wait to get out

Of these ridiculous outfits.

Woof, I know. Yeah.

What are you doing? I'm parked over here.

Oh, uh, well, um--

- Come on. - All right. Okay.

Um, what the hell is this?

We're going to get frozen yogurt.

I'm not gay, man.

They close in seven minutes.

I could have driven you.

- You said he hated fro -yo.

Just drive.

Slut!

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