Original subtitles

The Things We Do For Love by 10cc

♪ Too many broken hearts

♪ Have fallen in the river

♪ Too many lonely souls have drifted out to sea

♪ You lay your bets and then you pay the pri-... ♪

Hi, I'm Ben.

Should I say Ben or Benjamin?

Ben's fine. Hi, I'm Ben.

How can I help you?

Hi, Ben. Hi.

My name is David,

and I was just wondering if I could have some information

on one of your beneficiary kids.

Uh, yeah. What kind of information?

Uh, home address?

Yeah. Sorry, what's this kid's name?

OK, yeah.

We actually don't give out

any of the personal information of the kids,

and they're pretty hot on that.

But other than that, you did great.

Two thumbs up. Couple of these guys.

Nice. Thank you.

And thanks again for getting me set up here.

I really appreciate it. Yeah, course.

One of my New Year's resolutions was to get you a job, so...

Ooh! No, it wasn't.

And I can do some writing here, you think, yeah?

Yeah. You'll have nothing but time.

We're a charity - nobody calls us.

We spend our lives trying to call them.

Speaking of writing...

Oh, what's this?

A friend of a friend runs it.

Last Friday of every month, so tomorrow.

Do you want to go? With me?

Erm... To an open mic?

I don't think I'll be able to do tomorrow.

Oh, that's just really weird if you're not there,

considering you're reading at it.

No. Yes. No. Mmm.

What, tomorrow? Yeah. I can't.

I haven't written anything in months. I can't do that.

Come on, it's a scratch night. It's OK if it's rough.

You didn't move to the city to be a receptionist. Yeah, I know, but...

OK, would it change your mind at all if I told you

I was gonna wear something really slutty?

Your face!

Don't tell HR I said that.

You don't know where they are, so...

Happy writing.

Do you think...? Some of the angles have changed, so... Yeah.

Few bits of housekeeping from me.

Can we just be really, really mindful of leaving dairy products,

yoghurts, cheeses in the staff fridge overnight?

The smell, it absolutely...

It honks, and it's becoming a little bit antisocial,

and it's a health and safety risk... THEY CHUCKLE SOFTLY

Ooh, OK, guys. Hello. Sorry.

Just because we hang out outside of work

doesn't mean you can slack off. Yeah. Sorry.

What else? Oh, yes, our German team are going to be in tomorrow,

chatting to anyone interested in the six-month Berlin transfer.

So if you are in the market for bratwurst...

...you better be on your brat-best behaviour.

OK, thank you so much, everyone. Have a good night.

Are you going up for that? What, Berlin? Mm-hm.

No. Are you? Yeah.

Always wanted to live in Berlin. Oh.

Me and that Duolingo owl are tight, man - 98-day streak.

But, hey, you can meet the lesbian I went to high school with. Yeah.

She's the whole reason I want to go. SHE LAUGHS

Pub?

Oh, erm... I...

Yeah... I mean, not just with me. No.

And I would love it if it were just...

Just to clarify, I'm not... No, no, for sure.

I just... I, uh...

I have a date tonight.

Oh.

That's sick.

Erm...

Cool. Erm...

Enjoy your date.

Yeah. See you... See you tomorrow.

Yeah. Lil, will you actually just stay behind for a sec?

Yeah, of course.

Hey.

OK, first of all, when are we hanging out again?

I literally still feel like I'm hungover from last time!

From, like, five weeks ago?

Secondly, I have put your name down as one to watch tomorrow.

Oh, thank you, Owen.

That's really kind, but I don't think I'm gonna go up for it.

But Kas really wants it, so you can...

Mi-mi-mi-mi. Yeah, OK. Oh. Look, it's a great opportunity.

Just speak to them tomorrow. Yeah?

And, no, it's not cos I want to come and rave with you

when you're out there!

Erm...

Jos hasn't mentioned me, has she?

No. No. Good. Good.

Brilliant, cos, yeah, I'm married, so...

OK. Well, have a good night, so...

Yeah, you too. Goodnight.

You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real) by Jimmy Somerville

♪ When we're out there dancin' on the floor, darlin'... ♪

You haven't seen my date, have you?

Hey. Hi.

Wanna try some? Yeah.

♪ And I know, my love, it's about that time

♪ Make me feel... ♪

Mmm. Nice? Incredible. Yeah?

♪ Mighty real

♪ You make me feel

♪ Mighty real

♪ You make me feel

♪ Mighty real... ♪

Your place or mine?

Yours.

♪ And the music's in me And I'm... ♪

THEY LAUGH

Yeah.

So I was always super self-conscious about my vagina

cos I saw my friend's and it's like...

And mine's obviously like... BEN LAUGHS

Oh, like when they ask you to do a silly one on photo day. Yeah.

My vagina's just being kooky. It's just being a little bit cheeky.

I love your vagina.

Yeah, but your opinion doesn't count,

cos you don't have anyone to compare it to.

Oh, my God, yeah, you do.

You can rank them now.

Before, you only slept with me, but now you can rank them!

I'm obviously not gonna do that.

Why not? It's such an easy win for you.

OK, yours, hers... Thank you.

...obviously.

What about me? Where do I come in on your big dick chart?

BIG dick chart? Mm-hm. Someone's confident.

Hey, why don't we have a day out?

I can't. I have to go to work.

Really?

Yeah, I've got to go.

Are you not feeling a bit poorly?

Yeah, I know, I really wanted to meet them too.

LIL COUGHS

Yeah. Oh, OK, yeah, I'll rest up. I'm gonna feel better soon.

OK, bye. Bye, Owen. Bye.

That's incred-... That's, like... You're scarily good at lying.

I know. I should have had the affair.

No, that's not funny.

BEN LAUGHS Why are you laughing, then?

It's not funny!

Mwah, mwah, mwah.

All right, come on. We can't just keep kissing all day.

Let's go see London. No, for sure.

♪ Nothing you could say could tear me away from my guy

♪ Nothing you could do, cos I'm stuck like glue to my guy

♪ I'm sticking to my guy like a stamp to a letter

♪ Like birds of a feather, we stick together

♪ I'm tellin' you from the start, I can't be torn apart from my... ♪

MUSIC CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND

Should we kiss? No, not again.

We can't keep kissing in here...

PHONE VIBRATES ...they're gonna kick us out.

Oh, my God, most of this stuff still has labels on it.

Charity shops in rich areas, man - put it in my veins.

That's too good.

Ooh, what?

Erm... Nothing.

Nothing important. It's fine. You good?

Er... Yeah, it's just Frances has signed me up

for this writing thing tonight,

where people go and read their material out.

She's sent me the address, but I'm not going.

What? Why not? Because... I don't know.

Is it because of Frances?

I don't care about that, Ben.

That's not a thing.

I'm serious, I want you to put yourself out there.

You should do the thing that you came here to do.

I don't even have anything to read. Yeah, you do.

You could read something old.

You could read The Lentil That... Looks Like Tom Hanks? Tom Hanks.

As if you remembered that!

That was time ago. Yeah, I love that story.

I love that story. Ben, you're a great writer.

Mmm. You are. You're really, really good.

You just have to let people see that.

Mmm. Thank you.

We did it again, didn't we? Kissed again.

You're obsessed with me.

No, YOU'RE obsessed with ME. LIL LAUGHS

Er... Look, I kind of don't even want to talk about it,

or get, like, all serious all of a sudden...

Uh-oh. ..erm, but should we talk about the flat?

Cos six months is up next month, so...

I don't know, do we need to...

I don't know, do you think we need to have a conversation

and, like, decide what to do or...?

Yeah, no, we should probably talk about it, seriously.

This is a serious thing. Very serious.

Not something that can just be taken lightly at all. No.

I think these things, they need proper consideration.

Mm-hm. Yeah, definitely. Yeah.

Like, on the one hand,

yeah, we could just stick to the plan... Mm-hm.

...you know, activate our break clause... Mm-hm, mm-hm.

...but on the other, we were just doing that because...

Because we'd broken up. Right. So if the situation is different now...

Well, if the situation is different,

then perhaps we might have to think about adjusting...

Exactly. Yeah? Yeah.

Perhaps we should have a grown-up conversation... Yeah.

CLATTERING ...and maybe... Yeah.

Because, you know, if we're enjoying being in the flat together,

then perhaps we should just...

Stay in the flat.

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

It's just an option, that. Yeah, yeah. We're just... You know?

We're just two grown-ups,

and we're just thinking about our options. Mm-hm, mm-hm.

We look great in these.

Well, we can't let these outfits go to waste.

DOORBELL RINGS - Is this illegal? - No, it's fun.

I don't know, Lil.

We're just a tech billionaire and his wife.

We're just looking for a place to call home.

Just let me do the talking. FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Hello. Are you my four o'clock viewing? Yes.

I'm Becky.

I'm Megan, and this is my husband.

Crunch. Crunch?

Yes, Crunch.

It's... It's Polish, we think.

Crunch here has actually just sold a pretty big app.

We're looking for a place that's a little bit roomier.

What was the app?

Oh...

Google Maps. Google Maps.

Congratulations.

This spot's a little bit smaller than the place we...

Oh, that opens. OK.

Than the place we have in Silicon Valley...

...but I think I can see us hosting here.

What do you reckon, Crunch?

Er, yeah.

Er... The taps.

I like the taps.

Becky, you mind if we make ourselves at home a little bit?

You know, get a feel for the place?

OK, just be respectful.

Check it out - fancy biscuits.

Lil, you can't steal stuff.

I'm not stealing, I'm redistributing wealth.

I'm Robin Hood-ing it.

Come on, loosen up a little bit.

Have some fun.

Do it. Just do it fast. OK.

Look at me. Look at me!

You don't fuck me like you used to, Crunch!

You knew about the maps!

The maps are finished!

Is there somebody else?

Oh, can we not do the cheating stuff, please?

I'm mining what I know. This feels really good to me.

It's Crunch time!

It takes the fun out of it. No, it's fun, and I'm good at it.

If you're good at it, just do it yourself, then.

I don't even know why we're here. I don't want to do it myself,

I want to do it together. Obviously... It's just stupid.

BECKY CLEARS THROAT We need to be out by half-past.

Absolutely. Dope.

"Dope"? I don't know.

LIL LAUGHS - I don't know. - That's good.

"It's Crunch time"? That's so good.

Did you just come up with that? Yeah, it literally just came to me.

I could've sworn she was gonna kick us out, like, five times.

I know. Check this out.

Rolex Robin Hood, baby.

Mmm, Ben, that's way too big. That's way too big. Is it?

Put that back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoops. I don't know the rules, then.

You know, Crunch kind of turned me on.

Yeah? Yeah.

I feel like his dad, like, didn't hug him enough when he was little,

so now he's gonna be doing some super weird stuff to me later.

Why'd you call yourself Megan?

Oh, my God, I didn't realise.

Give over. Of course you did.

No, I didn't.

Honestly, Ben, I haven't thought about her in months.

You were having a dig, like, with the cheating stuff,

which... is fine,

I'm a big boy, but no need to pretend.

No, really, I...

I really... I didn't connect those dots at all.

I... Yeah, I don't...

I don't think it was that. OK.

Check it out. How much do you reckon this costs?

Take that off. Ooh-hoo-hoo!

I can see why that James Bond guy's got so much confidence.

BEN LAUGHS Ooh, it has props and everything.

Whoa, is that a gun?

It's obviously not real.

Oh, my... They don't have real guns here in England.

Be care-... Don't point that at me.

What is it? "Say hello to my little friend."

All right, Lil, chill out. Pop, pop, pop, pop.

It just looks really real, all right? Ben, it's not real, trust me.

GLASS SHATTERS

ALARM WAILS - No! - Ah!

I didn't let them do anything.

Maybe you shouldn't have had a fucking gun in the first place!

It's a little bit funny. It wasn't funny, Lil.

Why am I...?

It was terrifying.

You shattered a fucking window. You nearly killed me.

MUFFLED SHOUTING - I'm sorry, Crunch. - Stop it.

I'm not in the mood for that, OK?

Sorry, but...

They're taking forever.

I think I'm gonna go in there.

MUFFLED YELLING

No way.

Oi. Oi.

Paul.

Remember?

Paul. Do you remember?

Paul. Paul. Do you remember me?

I've rented to you. Oh, yeah.

"Oh, we're locked in.

"The keys are on the outside.

"I cheated on you."

Yeah. Yeah. No, I do remember.

Ooh, the amount of people I told about you, man.

Yeah?

Breaking up the day you got the gaff?

Horrendous!

What are you doing here?

ERm...

I was just mucking about with Lil. Lil?

What, are you two back on?

Oh, you sly one!

Oh, my gosh, he's risen from the ashes.

That's some Jesus shit, man.

So I'm guessing this means you're sticking in that place, then?

Er... Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That's the plan. Ah, yes, great.

Less paperwork for me, I'm gonna be honest.

Oh, you must be glad you decided to come down,

cos she said she was coming down on her own, right?

Er... I don't... I don't...

Did she? Yeah, in May.

Yeah, no, I think you got that wrong. May is wrong.

It must not have been Lil.

We graduated in July and decided to move in July.

Definitely her, because she left me hanging,

and then she got back in touch saying that you decided to come,

which was annoying, because loads of places didn't take couples.

But, hey, all worked out in the end, didn't it?

Right, TGI Friday and all that.

Hey, you keep that little guy on lockdown, right?

Be a good boy. PAUL LAUGHS

I'll see you later, mate.

Cat with nine lives, I swear to God.

Out.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

You know I'll never call a woman a bitch,

but she's unravelling in there.

It's really bad.

Are you OK? It looks as though I'm not going

to be able to get to that writing thing tonight.

Wait, no.

No, Ben, you have to go.

You've got to go. I'll stay here and I'll sort this out. No.

I didn't even want to go anyway, so...

No, no, really, it's important.

I want you to go, OK? Good luck.

Hey, I love you.

Er, yeah.

It's very simple - all I'm saying is she tried to kill me.

She should go to prison!

Fear is oblivion.

Oblivion is acceptance.

Acceptance is peace.

Fuck me, it's a bit much, isn't it? Yeah.

In your own time.

A transcendence...

I can't do this. Of course you can. No, I can't.

Everyone's done, like, deep, meaningful shit.

Mine's about a lentil.

I'll look like a fucking idiot. Well, then read something different.

You must have written something else since you've been here.

Acceptance. Acceptance.

APPLAUSE

I was not expecting to cry tonight.

Next up, performing for us... You know what?

I think I'm just going to get off. ...we've got Ben Scott.

APPLAUSE

Fuck's sake. Wa-hey!

There's a step there. LIGHT LAUGHTER

Hey. Sorry, I'm really late. Just the one.

There was this whole thing with a gun and, like, a massive house,

and I just...

My boyfriend's just in there, so if I could get a ticket, please.

You don't work here? No.

You're just a guy? Yeah. Yeah.

But you've got incredible natural authority.

I'm just gonna... Thanks.

I honestly didn't think I'd be standing on stage sharing this.

Er... Might be a bit shit.

Reasons I'm sleeping on the sofa.

Cos I slept with someone else...

...cos I'm a coward...

...cos I lied about wanting to move down here...

...cos I panicked...

...cos I'm weak...

...cos Lil needs me...

...cos that random girl didn't...

...cos booze...

...cos I'm an idiot...

...cos I'm 22...

...cos Lil thinks she's better than me...

...cos Lil comes with more baggage than I do...

Er...

Cos I thought deep down, she'd end it anyway...

...cos I didn't think I'd get caught.

Lil. Lil!

Lil, wait. Come back. Lil.

I prefer The Lentil That Looks Like Tom Hanks.

"Cos I didn't think I'd get caught"?

What the fuck was that?

They were just random thoughts.

Random thoughts that you decided to broadcast

to a room full of strangers and Frances?

We just had the nicest day. "Nicest day", Lil?

No, we didn't. You nearly shot me today.

That's not my idea of a fucking good time.

I didn't even want to go to that house. I just followed you.

It was fun. We were having fun.

YOU were having fun.

When did you decide to start looking for flats down here?

What? What does that have to do with anything?

I saw Paul today at the estate agent's,

and he said that you got in contact with him in May.

Now...

...we didn't graduate till July.

You didn't tell me about the job offer until July.

Well, I don't... I don't remember the exact time.

You don't remember? No, I don't. No?

The morning of our graduation,

you come to me with this job offer that you've had, yeah?

That I didn't even know existed.

I didn't even know you applied for it.

And you came to me with this idea of moving down to London

like it was an us decision, but it wasn't, was it?

Because you already made your mind up.

I grafted my arse off all summer

whilst you sat in my parents' house with your big fucking bank account.

That's what you're gonna say?

Yeah.

I don't have to listen to this. You're being shitty.

I'll see you at home. Get your own fucking Uber.

Is that the girl you cheated on?

So we're just gonna ignore it, then, yeah?

Oh, my God, I don't want to talk about this.

Well, I do...

...cos I thought that me and you planned to come down here,

but we didn't, did we?

You planned it, and then you just slotted me in right at the end,

like you always do - like you did today,

dragging me around the house because you knew that I'd follow you.

You're making way too big a thing out of this.

Am I? You're being crazy. Yes, you are! No, I don't think I am.

I briefly considered you and I could do long distance.

You were always so fucking negative about London, Ben.

"What if the water tasted weird?

"What if it was too loud in London? What about terrorism?"

I felt bad that I wanted it.

So, yeah, maybe I massaged the dates a little bit,

just to give me some fucking time to think!

Is that illegal, to want to think about a massive decision?

It was only because I wanted you to come.

I was working out the best strategy to make that happen.

Well, you don't have to strategise with me, I'm your boyfriend,

not some fucking business client.

It's always the Lil Show with you, isn't it?

I mean, look at you and Kira -

she had a fucking kid and you still made it all about you.

It's ridiculous.

Oh, why do you only ever hang YOUR clothes up?!

I always do both of our clothes when the washing's done!

Oh, my God, Ben, where is all this coming from?

You know what it is? I'm just seeing it way more clearer now.

Like, yes, what I did was wrong,

But you, you only ever think about yourself.

I'm sorry, are you actually equating me gently inquiring about a flat

with you fully fucking somebody else?

No, no, no, it's what it symbolises, Lil, all right?

I don't feel like I'm an equal in this relationship.

I just get passed from pillar to post with your fucking decisions.

You do what you want. Are you kidding me?

Then why did I just turn down moving to Berlin for six months?

Huh? Why did I just do that?

It was a fucking amazing business opportunity

that Owen said was practically mine and I didn't even consider it

because I was prioritising you and me.

Fuck's sake. This is exactly what I'm talking about.

You never even mentioned Berlin. What?!

So once again, you're making decisions

like you're the only person involved when you're not.

Ben, why are you painting me like this?

I didn't do anything wrong! Because I cheated on you...

...but you'd already fucking left.

You just forgot to let me know about it.

YOU can sleep on the sofa tonight.

DOOR SHUTS

♪ Ooh, you make me love you

♪ Ooh, you've got a way

♪ Ooh, you had me crawling up the wall. ♪

Subtitles by Red Bee Media