Original subtitles

I haven't had sex since my divorce, and I'm pleased to report I still like it.

That was an amazing night.

You screamed a lot. I was just so proud of us. And I've always been a loud

lover. It runs in my family. My dad was a screamer. I don't mean to kink shame.

But why are you grabbing your own butt so much? Oh, full disclosure, I was

having some real bad cramps back there. Maybe next time our foreplay could

include a little light stretching.

Oh, you nasty.

I'm going to make you some coffee.

I know just how you like it.

Flat white.

Good morning, everyone!

What a beautiful day to be alive!

As I was saying, that bus was going pretty fast. I am so sorry for your

loss.

All right, team. Our next patient tested positive for... Tapping that ass?

It happened. I had sex.

Time of smash?

11.30 p.m., again at 7 a.m., and there was a little sleepy rubbing somewhere in

the vicinity of 2. Twice and a sleepy rub?

My man.

I gotta get back. I think I can convince her to do it with me one last time.

Hey, pre-5? It would save me a trip.

I can't do this all on my own. No, I know.

I'm no Superman.

I'm no Superman.

A floor? Three, please. That's also the number of times I had sex last night.

Three, please. But not for any sexual reason.

Dude. What?

Charlie is amazing.

I honestly think I'm starting to fall for her. Please say you didn't tell her

that. Of course not. I hired Joey Fatone on Cameo to tell her that. Check it.

Hey, what's up, Charlie?

Joey Fatone. I hear that you and J.D. are in sync.

Dude, you always do this with women. You catch feelings and then you go way too

big. Not always. And I know, I know I should have sprung for Justin, but I

can't afford Justin because, spoiler, I got you Lance for our anniversary.

We said no gifts. Nobody ever means that.

I wasn't the only one feeling the warm fuzzies.

Something was in the air. Wait, guys. I love fall.

Mm-hmm. We get a muff. Your people get a whole season.

Your people? Basic white bitches.

Mm-hmm.

Huh. Why does every leaf I cut look like a penis? I'll admit it. I love pumpkin

spice and yelling, slaughter weather!

Slaughter weather!

Oh, my God, they're everywhere.

Everywhere. You guys, fall is the time for rebranding yourself.

In middle school, I changed my name to Raven. In high school, I dabbled in

radical environmentalism. In college, above the belt lesbian.

If you're only touching blouse, get out my house.

I feel like I've overshared a little bit now, which is so old Tosh of me, and I'm

not her anymore.

New Tosh is locked in and decisive.

Yeah, wait, no, wait.

Yes, decisive.

Well, I am the same old Asher, but more distinguished. You look like a pirate.

Arrgh. Sweater weather!

Oh no, did I miss it? I was firing someone.

Anyway, rumor has it that there's a new couple in our midst.

Whoever you are, don't be afraid to come forward.

We celebrate love here.

As long as it's formally disclosed and you both sign this consensual

relationship agreement form. And remember, snitches get gift

certificates.

If it's P.F. Chang's, I'm turning y'all in.

I didn't love that Dr. Cox was back here due to his autoimmune illness, but I did

love that he was forced to spend time with me.

Judging by that delicate flush you've got going, I'm guessing some young woman

got unlucky last night. You know, they say it's like riding a bike, but I've

never worried if a bike enjoyed itself enough to let me ride it again. Thank

you for ruining bikes and sex in one horrific sentence. Please proceed.

Okay. Let's see. Your myalgias and cough are gone, and the neuritis is better.

Oh, I did that with willpower.

But your GFRs are so low.

Is this part of your grand plan to get my kidneys to fail so you can go ahead

and give me one of yours?

Kidney, lung, or testicle.

If I've got an extra, your name is on it. Leave before I rip one of those out

of your body. Okay, bye-bye.

Oh. When your mentor is also your patient, you take no chances.

I need to assemble a team like the one I admired as a kid. It's doctoring time.

Chief of medicine.

Chief of surgery.

Not chief of anything, but strong female doctor who's achieved a lot.

Legendary nurse.

Harmless pervert.

Todd,

did you cut the ass out of your costume?

Yeah, I'm going out tonight. My first instinct was it's just a side effect

from the antibiotic.

Yeah, but look at Cox's numbers. If you're missing an infection, it could

get septic. But if it's a disease flare, that could lead to renal failure.

I'm stopping the infusions until we figure this out. So we have to rerun all

the tests? Yes, stat.

Look, we're doing that cool hospital thing where we talk real fast while

we're walking.

Surprise.

Is it a good surprise?

Sadly, no. You told me that Perry's treatment was working, and it turns out

that wasn't true.

Relax, Jordan. We have a plan. You still work here? I thought for sure you'd be

selling commercial real estate in Tucson while a jacuzzi salesman had his third

heart attack on top of you.

Damn!

Also paging Dr. Beckett to labor and delivery.

You know, this is probably my frustration talking, but I like when my

frustration talks.

You Timu docs have 24 hours to figure out what's going on with Perry or I'm

moving him to a better hospital, which at this point includes the kill shelter

next door.

24 hours? It's going to take a lot longer to push all those tests through.

Then we split up and each take a different department.

Guys, it'll look way cooler if we all do it at the same time.

Dr. Reed, you got time for a quickie? A medical quickie. Uh-oh. What? I'm not

thinking about sex.

Anyway, my patient, Mr. Talbot, is recovering from a bladder infection, but

he also needs steroids.

I'm worried it could make his infection flare and he could become septic. And at

his age, he could die.

Look, Tosh, it's not an easy call, but steroids might be worth the risk.

I trust you. You'll figure it out.

They'll figure it out. Just like my dad said when I got my first period and my

mom was out of town. Great.

Who are you talking to, Natasha?

Yeah, you look kind of crazy.

Sorry. I just mean you seem to still be doing the weird stuff that people didn't

like before. Amara, hand.

What? It's our new system.

Oh, I cannot see Sibby right now.

You too. You live together, right? Are you roommates roommates or roommates

like my aunts are roommates?

Oh, no. She's not my type.

Amara, hand.

Sorry. Okay, well.

Couple's around here somewhere.

I'm going to find him.

Thank you.

You really don't go science hippies for him? I don't want to be seen as one half

of Tosher or TikTok Doc. I want to prove myself as a serious doctor.

Sorry. So sorry.

You're Tosh.

For the rest of us, it was time to get to work. I know neurology is very busy,

so thank you for fast-tracking Dr.

Cox's MRI.

Some of us had to put our other problems aside.

Close the door.

Now I'll have to wait for my transitions to go back. I'm sorry. My old boss's

wife is here and she unravels me in a very specific way.

Actually reminds me a lot of my mom. She used to say things like, it's funny, we

have the same bra size, but your back is way bigger. Is it?

Look, I just need you to move Perry Cox's scans up your list, okay?

But man, Dr. Cox's case was weighing on me.

Luckily, there was one thing that got my mind off it. What if I took Charlie on a

road trip, just one night only, to see the house she was born in? What did I

tell you? You'd be an extra.

Fine. What's the last romantic thing you did for Carla?

Who remembers?

I know we got nice cars, two dishwashers, and a gazebo, though. J.D.

A gazebo?

Plus, I keep it tight. Not a lot of guys do that. Check out this ass.

This thing failed sixth grade science because it has no idea what gravity is.

No one is arguing you're not a caked-up ebony god. You're like black Zeus. Zeus

was black, just like Santa and Jesus.

But Carla's a goddess, and goddesses sometimes need, ooh, a professional

-level fireworks bonanza, partially insured. No fireworks.

You're gonna ruin this.

And I know you're looking at it.

It's mesmerizing.

Look what I got you.

That special juice only the new mommies in the maternity ward get. You got the

good ice, too.

Wait a minute.

The patronizing voice, the fun treat. Why are you getting all nurse on me,

Carla? I'm not like one of your scared patients.

I know.

You're a doctor.

And you know exactly how much it's going to suck to go through the battery of

tests we have lined up.

I'll tell you what.

As long as there's no kidney biopsy on your list, you can go ahead and tear

into me like coyotes on a house cat.

You're in luck.

No biopsy. Okay.

Okay, let's get going.

Hey, Mr. Talbot's family is asking me if you've made the decision on his

treatment. Steroids, yes or no?

I just need ten more minutes.

Girl, I am not the damn snooze button. Tell them yourself.

Wakey, wakey, pill to takey. Shh, he just fell asleep.

What pill?

Sopatum. You woke me up from a dead sleep to give me a sleeping pill.

But it's takey time.

Oh, for the love of God. I'll take care of this, boo.

Um, gang, raise your hand if you don't want me to kick you in the crotch.

I just tucked.

I'll teach you later. Perry needs his rest.

No one else goes in his room, or else I am going to go full messy on your junk.

Is he on sports?

Stripes. They're just doing their jobs.

Mistake.

Thank God she just got Elliot. I couldn't stand to lose you.

Hey, are you two the new couple? You don't have the phone for what we are.

I know you don't want to hear this, but the nephrologist texted you're going to

need that kidney biopsy. No, absolutely not, because unlike your new gal, I'm

not going to just lie here, let you do whatever you want, pretend to like it,

then whisper, let's do it again, and watch you pray to whatever god you

believe in to get lightning to strike twice.

Perry, you know I don't want to put you through this, but if I'm missing

something, I will never forgive myself.

Carla, we'll buy soon to come get you, okay?

I hated putting Dr.

Cox through this, but around here, we look after each other. Are you all

right? I don't know what to do.

About Sibby's phone?

Well, here's how I see it.

You think it'd be punk rock not to sign the forms, right?

But you know what the man wouldn't see coming?

We sign those forms.

We're blowing holes in their expectations.

We will sign on the X and initial where necessary.

Big up, monogamy!

That's gotta be offensive to someone. I just don't know who.

I'm talking about my patient.

Out of our entire intern class, I'm the only one who almost killed someone.

Now I can't make one decision.

If you want me to kill someone so you don't feel so alone, I'll do it.

Stop trying to make me feel better.

Babe, you think I do nice things for you, right?

How many times do I have to thank you for that gazebo? What the hell are you

even supposed to do in a gazebo? I don't know. I thought you knew.

Oh, yeah.

Perry's gone.

Not answering texts.

Okay, Jordan, I'll take care of it. What a relief.

I'm a little tired.

Is my sarcasm coming through?

Yeah, loud and clear.

You know what, though?

This is actually my mistake for thinking we could count on you.

I'll go find him.

I'll go with you.

You know what, Jordan?

This whole acid-tongue, ball-busting devil woman thing's getting really

tired. I'm not afraid of you anymore.

Because there's nothing scary about someone who torments people who are just

trying to do their jobs.

So if you want to find someone to blame for Perry not getting better, start with

yourself. Stay out of our way and let us help him.

Oh my God, I did it.

So much adrenaline.

I'm like one of those moms whose kid is stuck under a car.

I destroyed her. Did you just see that?

I couldn't look away.

In a hospital, things can flip in an instant.

I'd lost all my confidence when Dr. Cox took off, and Elliot had found hers.

Carla, I am still buzzing from verbally bitch-slapping Jordan, and I just told

Nico to move Cox to the top of his MRI list, or I'm going to stick my finger

toe so far up his poop where he's going to have to x-ray his own stomach to see

it. I feel sassy. Oh, I feel spicy. I think I can finally even roll my R's

like a Latina. Elliot.

You were warned about doing that when you were over-served at my niece's

quinceanera. Cousin Ramon kept serving me rum.

I know you feel good about standing up to Jordan, but remember, she's not just

Jordan.

She's also a sick patient's very scared wife.

She's been mean to us our entire careers, and now just because her

husband has a horrible illness and I yelled at her at her darkest hour, okay,

I hear it, and now I'm gonna cry.

Don't cry. Don't cry. I got you.

Wish you could swipe right past this day there, tick-tock-tock. Oh, great, it's

you.

When do I get to the part where I feel like I know what I'm doing?

Never. Never?

Look, right now, the three best, most experienced doctors in this whole place

have tried and failed over and over to help me. They feel exactly as terrible

as you do. Because you see, this whole self-doubt, if you're any good at this

job, it never goes away.

So, you can either let that drive you to be a better doctor,

or you can let it drive you right the hell out of this place. And that's

really the only decision you have to make.

Wow.

That's the first piece of real advice you've ever given me. You're welcome.

Go ahead and have yourself a terrific career there, Tiger.

He's in here!

Oh, come on!

I am so sorry about the way that I talked to you.

Why? It's the first time I've ever respected you. Fair.

Would it help if I sat over there and let you hurl insults at me? It would.

Should we start with hair or body?

Body? Trick question. We're going to do both.

Even though it's blonde, I can see your mustache.

Received. And thank you.

You promised you wouldn't get old Dr. Cox on us.

Dr. Cox, huh?

Would he be hiding away with his keister exposed on what has to be the most

synthetic and unholy of upholstery?

Carla, I barely even know who that guy is anymore.

This is hard.

I have to do what's best for him.

Look, Jordan, I can't tell you not to take Dr. Cox somewhere else.

But when you make a decision out of fear, it's usually the wrong one. No one

is going to care about Perry more than Turk and JD and I do. Look.

And I would never want Perry to know this, but I love him very much.

And if anything were to happen, I... You won't.

You promise?

We got this.

I was the chief of medicine.

Nothing happened in this place unless I gave it the go-ahead. Nothing.

And now, people tell me when to eat,

when to pee.

Went to sleep.

Nurses follow me into the bathroom and not in the fun way like back in the 80s.

I have no privacy, no control. The whole thing is so... Dehumanizing?

Yes. Yes, this sucks. It's something doctors don't even understand until

they're in that gown.

And that's why I had to treat you like a patient.

It wasn't to be demeaning.

It's just I know how to get a patient through this If

you let me

I

Thought I had this all figured out with those infusions what am I getting wrong,

but I'm just a caveman surgeon I don't make medical diagnoses, but I can

diagnose you When you care too much you do too much

Look, what's the thing you would do if you just trusted your instincts?

You don't need all those tests, okay? I'm going back to my first instinct in

keeping you on the treatment. I'll just switch out the prophylactic antibiotic

that your kidney was responding poorly to. I'm thrilled you could use my body

to get your groove back on there, Stella. Now listen carefully.

I have no objectivity about any of this. I am a patient now, so I need you to

trust yourself because I trust you. Perry, that means so much to me. I'm not

finished. I trust you.

because I taught you everything that I know. So really, I'm just trusting

myself, and you trusting you is actually you trusting me. Oh, my God.

It's kind of like you shuffled our brains together, like a deck of man

cards. Why couldn't you have taught him not to say crap like that?

I can't hit kids anymore, so it's very hard to teach.

Oh, how beautiful.

I've been stuck in this place for months and haven't been able to see the

seasons. Not sure why that leaf looks like a penis.

We all have a voice in our head that doubts us.

This is amazing.

It's just fear.

You care about how everyone else sees you.

But what about how I see you?

You're as brilliant as you are beautiful.

Calm down, Asher. I pushed the steroids.

And I'm filled with self-doubt about every medical decision I've made today.

But not about you.

It's you two?

But you're brother and sister.

Although, I guess that is the ultimate taboo.

Sometimes we fear losing the way we see ourselves.

And sometimes you finally face your demons only to realize there's someone

more afraid than you are.

It all boils down to feeling that you're not enough.

Did you do all this? No, I was just bringing you up here to look at the

stars. Well, whoever did it is the most thoughtful, romantic, sexiest man to

ever keep his ass tight.

Babe, I can't believe you did this for me.

Yo, I would have gone bigger. Wait for it.

Yo!

Fireworks!

This is perfect.

Who would look at all those stars and still think the Earth is round?

I'm kidding. You totally got me. You're actually hot enough to be a flat

earther. I can get past it.

Oh.

Fireworks? Really?

Harry needs to sleep.

Wait for yourself, Stick.

They've got foods.

Can you go deeper?

No, I'm giving you all I got.

Do you want me to do you?

Yeah, but be gentle. It's my first time receiving.

Oh, yes.

Okay, enough foreplay.

Take off your pants.

All right, I just have to do one thing real quick.

Not tonight, boy.

This one's special.