Original subtitles

[signal echoing]

[typewriter clattering]

[ticking]

[on radio] Last week Flash Gordon defended the witch queen Azura

from the attack of the Death Squadron.

Paul, having proclaimed himself King of Blue Magic Land,

offers Tom the Hawkman the command of the army...

[static buzzes]

[signal echoing]

[dog barks]

[sniffing]

[signal echoing]

[whimpers]

[barking]

Go on, then, Paul. Don't be long.

[signal echoing]

[barking]

Paul?

Paul?

Paul.

[girl shrieks]

[gears clanking]

[grunts]

[sputters]

["Another Girl Another Planet" playing]

♪ I always flirt with death ♪

♪ I look ill but I don't care about it ♪

♪ I can face your threats ♪

♪ And stand up straight and tall And shout about it ♪

♪ I think I'm on another world With you... ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ I'm on another planet with you ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ Space travel's in my blood ♪

♪ There ain't nothin' I can do about it ♪

♪ Long journeys wear me out ♪

♪ But I know I can't live without it ♪

♪ I know I think I'm on Another world with you ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ I'm on another planet with you... ♪

I love it here.

You know? It feels so...

-Right. -Yeah.

We're 5,339 miles from home, and yet somehow I feel like we belong.

I know what you mean. I know what you mean.

I think this is probably the most fun I have ever had, you know?

I'm so glad we came, Clive.

Clive?

-May I? -Be my guest.

I was over there on my own.

That there is a Black Vampire.

-[blade zings] -Watch out. She bites.

-How much? -$1,349.99.

-Aren't you gonna get it? -[speaks alien language]

Fair enough.

I can't believe we're gonna meet Adam Shadowchild.

I know. He's, like, the coolest man in the world.

Thank you.

Come forth. Welcome, my friends.

I just wanted to say that the Planet Fall trilogy

has been a huge influence on me and my work,

and Sebastian Rico is a wonderful protagonist.

Don't tell me. You're a writer.

-I am. Yeah. -Well, good.

He actually won a Nebulon Award in 1992.

-I'm working on a follow-up. -Oh. Well, I'd love to see that.

-Oh, not today. - t's right here.

No. It's a legal thing. I'm sure it's... I'm sure it's good.

That is a wonderful cover. Three tits.

Awesome.

-That was Graeme. My illustrator. -I'm an artist.

-Move along, please, guys. -Yes.

No, no. I...

Thank you.

-[Adam] Have you bought a book? -No.

Then fuck off.

Let's get a picture of you, me and Adam.

-OK, ready? -Ready.

Whah!

♪ Just the two of us We can make it if we try ♪

[Graeme] Yes.

♪ Just the two of us... ♪

Yes.

-Is that the RV place? -Yes.

And there's definitely two single beds?

Because there's been a bit of a mix-up at the hotel.

OK. Excellent. Thank you very much.

And have a nice day to you as well.

-Is it here? -It's in the car park.

I think you mean the parking lot.

[Western twang] I sure do.

[laughs] That's my American voice.

[sighs]

It's amazing, isn't it? We're actually here. America. Huh?

How long have we dreamt about this?

-Since we were kids. -Yeah.

Now look at us. Grown men.

-[doorbell buzzes] -[both] Pizza!

-Hi. -Hiya.

-Good evening, sir. -Come on in.

Uh, where can I set these down?

-You can put it on the bed, or uh... -You guys on honeymoon?

-[both laugh] -No.

-No. No, it's all... -No, silly. We're just friends.

We had a mix-up. The reservations were messed up.

Pop it on the table here. Let me clear all that.

-Ah, goin' on a road trip, huh? -Yeah.

Well, you know, what better way to follow Comic-Con

than a tour of America's most famous UFO hot spots?

Huh?

You know, we're gonna... Area 51 and the Black Mailbox in Nevada.

Then down to Camp Verde, then to Apache Junction,

and on down to Roswell, New Mexico,

for the site of the famous crash of '47.

-Everybody knows that. -Stop it.

It's an alleged site at this point.

Why would they admit there was a crash if the crash happened somewhere else?

-Let's just agree to disagree. -Agree to disagree. Again.

-That's what we always say at the end. -[chuckles]

Do you believe in aliens?

What do you mean, aliens?

[sputters]

-I'll sign the check, shall I? -I'll get rid of the map.

-Get that out of your way. -Pizza grease on a map is the worst thing.

Thank you.

-Have a nice honeymoon. -Oh, thank you.

[both grunting]

That one.

Ow!

[both mock grunting]

-[Clive] Oh. -Uh! People!

[thunderclap]

[Graeme] Smile.

"Watch the skies" or "Alien on board"?

Alien, yeah? "Alien on board," please.

OK, if you're sure.

So, how was Comic-Con?

We met Adam Shadowchild.

Who the hell is Adam Shadowchild?

Oh, he wrote The Venusian Pangenesis.

I didn't read that one.

Jenny Starpepper And The Great Brass Hen?

-No. -The Robot's Mistress?

-I like romances. -That's kind of a romance.

-Between a woman and a machine? -Uh, yeah.

-I hear that! -[all chuckle]

So, you fellas set, or can I get you somethin' else?

I think I would like a refill of coffee, please, Pat.

All right, then. How about you, pumpkin?

Uh, could I have an ET Malt, please?

Mmm! You want that with a sparkler?

-Yeah. -Uh... [chuckles]

I will take that as a yes.

I think I might do a toilet.

[chuckles] Very funny.

[man] He's sittin' right there on top of that bull.

-I love this joke. -And he goes, "Cu-cu-cu-cut her loose!"

-[both laugh] -[laughs]

[Graeme continues laughing]

What?

-I don't know you. -Ooh. So, comics.

[man #2] What was that about?

How you think that makes me feel?

Be rude to me.

Hmm.

Mm-hm.

Ooh. Eggy.

An alien just sicked up in my palms.

-Clive, um... -What?

-[Clive laughs] Hey, I'm joking. -No, stop it.

They've got a soap dispenser shaped like an alien's head. It's brilliant!

-What? -[Pat] Here it comes!

[imitating rocket roar]

[laughs] What in...?

Hey, fellas. How you doin' today?

What is this, some kinda gay bar?

No. Just a place where you can get a bite to eat

and maybe share a close encounter.

Yep, sounds like a gay bar.

[laughs] Oh, no. We're just friends.

[ Pat ] So, you guys look like you could do with a couple beers.

-[man #2] You go do that. -[man] All right, you do that.

-Yes. I'll get this. -[slurping]

-I'll get this. -Just leave it. Leave it.

Thank you very much.

[bell dings]

-What are you doin'? -[Graeme clears throat]

-Don't you put those queer eyes on me. -No, I forgot the sticker.

-What took you so long? -I was putting the sticker on.

Oh, they were an odd pair, weren't they?

Yeah. Definitely not my kind of people.

Yeah, well, I doubt very much we'll be seeing them again.

Yeah.

[crash, metal objects clattering]

-That wasn't their truck, was it? -No.

-Should I go and have a look? -No!

The Black Mailbox.

[Clive] Wow. That's probably the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Do you remember when we Googled it on your mum's computer,

and the phone rang and you thought it was the FBI?

I didn't really think it was the FBI.

-You started crying. -I had jet lag.

We'd only been to Brussels.

-Go stand next to it. -Yeah.

Smile.

Good. Imagine if we got buzzed by a craft.

That would be amazing, wouldn't it? [chuckles]

Smile.

What would you do if they actually landed?

Well, I mean, first contact is a big responsibility, isn't it?

They come in peace, we go to pieces?

-Nuh-uh. That's not how I roll. -No.

[tyres screeching, horn honking]

What is that?

Do you think that's those men?

No.

-We've seen enough of this. -Let's just...

-Let's go. -Go, go, go, go.

[horn honks]

-They're gaining. -This is like Deliverance.

They're gonna rape us and break our arms.

I don't want my arms broken!

-I need the toilet. -You've just been.

- You know I've got a child's bladder. -[horn honking]

Don't let them go past!

What do you want me to do? Ram them?

-What about the deposit? -[horn honking]

It's not them! It's not them. It's not them.

-Oh, my God. -[both laugh]

-That was awful. -I was terrified.

[both scream]

[brakes squealing]

[gasps]

[exhales]

[metal objects clinking]

[doors open and close]

[coughing]

[footsteps]

[coughing continues]

[murmurs]

[Graeme] Hello?

-Maybe you should call for help. -Yeah.

[cell phone beeping]

It's ringing.

[deep voice] I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Put... the phone... down.

[laughs]

Oh, fuck me. What have you done to him?!

I didn't do anything to him. He fainted.

Yeah, but you... you made him faint.

Yes, but it's not like I set my phaser to "Faint".

-You've got a phaser?! -No, I don't. Look!

Listen. Hey. I really need your help.

OK? Can we get this guy back onto your wagon?

[stammering]

Are you an alien?

To you, I am. Yes.

Are you gonna probe us?

Why does everyone always assume that? What am I doing? Am I harvesting farts?

How much can I learn from an ass?!

[stammering] What?

I'm sorry. What's your name?

It's Graeme Willy.

And what's his name?

That's the writer Clive Gollings.

OK, cool. I'm Paul.

Paul?

Yeah. It's a nickname that stuck.

My ship crashed on a dog. It doesn't matter.

Look, can we get the writer Clive Gollings back on the RV

and get the hell outta here, please?

I can't... It's--

I'm in a hell of a pickle,

and if you don't help me, I could die on this road tonight.

I dunno, we're on quite a tight schedule.

Look, man. Sometimes you just gotta roll the dice.

What do you say?

-OK. -OK. Perfect. Great.

OK. Help me. Help me grab him. Let's...

This man's peed his pants.

Yeah. He's got a child's bladder.

Oh, fantastic.

Doesn't this thing go any faster?

Well, I'm... I'm sorry. The speed limit's 70, so--

Screw the speed limit. Actually, no.

Ooh, yeah. Don't screw it. That's good thinking.

OK. Stay inconspicuous. That's good.

How come I can understand you?

Are you using some sort of neural language router?

Actually, I'm speaking English, you fucking idiot.

I'm sorry. You're in shock right now.

I understand this must be very weird for you.

Just act normal and drive north. OK

Gotta get as much distance as we can between us and the big guy.

[spits]

-[radio static] -[woman] Zoil, what's happening?

[static]

-He's gone. -[woman] Shit!

[ Zoil ] Looks like he hitched a ride too.

-[woman] What do you mean? -Tyre tracks.

-Bastard jacked a native? -Could be two.

Don't you think this is all a bit of a coincidence?

-Are you suggesting he knew? -Little fucker might've phoned home.

[woman] There might even be a rescue party on the way.

Zoil, we need to break out the big guns.

Do you think that that's wise? The last thing we need is... a hoo-ha.

[woman] Maybe you're right.

Listen, I got two rookies on a special mission 75 klicks north of you.

[woman] I'll have 'em set up a roadblock.

These are just civilians. Why don't you let me take care of it?

You might need the extra muscle.

Just keep 'em in the dark. I don't want any loose ends.

These roads can be treacherous at night.

People get in accidents all the time.

[woman] I like your thinking. Get it done.

Heads up. We just got reassigned.

-Nice. What about the sandwich? -She said we could share it.

-Oh, I love this job. -Mm-hm.

["Hello It's Me" playing on stereo] ♪ Hello, it's me ♪

♪ I've thought about us For a long, long time... ♪

[urinating]

[Paul grunts]

♪ Maybe I think too much But something's wrong... ♪

[Paul groans]

-Oh. -[toilet flushes]

-[door opens] -[Paul] I needed that.

♪ Maybe I shouldn't think of you As mine... ♪

I love pistachios.

I hate when you get a closed one, right?

-[Graeme] I usually just bite them. -[Paul] No, you don't do that at all.

[Paul] You tap them, If they don't open on their own, you throw them away.

-No. That's mussels. -No. Uh, it's pistachios.

[grunting]

-Stop it! What are you doing?! -Who are you?

[speaks alien language]

-Stop! -He's OK. He's fine!

He's friendly. His name's Paul.

[gasping, coughing]

Aliens aren't called Paul.

Was that Klingon? You psychotic nerd!

Listen, Paul is from a small M-class planet

in the northern spiral arm of the Andromeda Galaxy.

-Thank you. -He looks too obvious.

There's a reason for that, Clive.

Over the last 60 years the human race has been drip-fed images of my face

on lunch boxes and T-shirts and shit.

Just in case our species do meet, you don't have a fucking spaz attack.

-I did not have a spaz attack! -[Graeme] Don't do it again!

That's my fucking jorph! Get your fucking fingers out of there!

If I get a jorph infection, you're dead.

-[Graeme] Oh, my God. -Oh, shit.

Paul.

Paul?

OK. OK, this... This could be it.

-So what are we looking for again? -I don't know.

[wrapper rustles]

What brings you to the USA?

-We're on holiday. -We've been to Comic-Con.

Comic-Con? Well, don't tell O'Reilly. He loves that dweeb shit.

[groans]

You guys know Benny Hill?

-No. -No.

[O'Reilly] Oh, my God! Look at this!

-What? What? -Look at this!

These guys have met Adam Shadowchild.

Who the hell's Adam Shadowchild?

He wrote The Jupiter Praxis.

What?

Jenny Starpepper And The Huge White Gibbon.

-Huh? -Night of the Moths.

-Are you speaking English? -Night of the Moths. Brilliant book.

[sputters] What was he like?

He was a bit intense.

-Oh, well, he's an artist. -Let me see this.

What is this, nerd porn?

-Uh, no, that's Clive's-- -It's my novel.

OK.

Ah! Three tits. That's awesome.

You guys should've given her four tits.

That's just sick.

I was just sayin'.

Hey, do you think this is it?

Doubtful. What else did you find in there?

Not much. Just some pissy jeans.

-Oh, Clive's got a child's-- -Shut up. Shut up.

OK, you guys can go.

Thank you.

May I have my...? Thank you very much.

May I ask what you're searching for?

No.

Thank you. Come on, Graeme.

[chuckles] Way to go, Dirty Harry.

You caught that?

Did I catch it? Oh, my God. Like a cold I caught it.

I think it's pretty obvious what happened there, isn't it?

Is it?

The government used some kind of neurotoxic paint on the Black Mailbox.

Caused us to suffer a shared hallucination about an alien.

It makes complete sense.

-Wrong! -[Clive and Graeme scream]

Oh!

[brakes squeal]

[imitating laser blasts] Your dick is gone. Hmm.

Oh, no.

What? Come on, grow up. You guys seen my shorts?

How... How did you... How did you do that? How did you go invisible?

-It's a camouflage response. -What, like Predator?

Exactly, although I can only do it while I'm holding my breath.

-But you can do it any time you want. -[growly voice] Any time.

[laughs] That's just like him.

[imitating Predator]

[Clive grunts] Am I the only sane person here?

Hey?

It's all right for you, isn't it? You'll go back to Area 51.

We'll be arrested for harboring a fugitive and sent to Guantánamo Bay.

Why don't I go make some bagels and coffee, leave you two alone?

[Paul humming]

What's the matter, Clive?

There is an alien in the kitchenette making bagels and coffee.

-Did you want tea? -No, I don't want tea.

Right, because tea is weird in America. They leave the bag in.

What's weird is the fact that we have picked up an extra-terrestrial hitchhiker,

and you seem completely fine with it.

♪ Bagels and coffee ♪

Ooh! Marmite.

He said his life's in danger. He needs our help, you know?

I mean... sometimes you've just gotta roll the dice.

What if we wake up

and find him inserting a probe into our anus?

Apparently they don't do that.

Anyone want one of these?

Huh? Anyone?

Anyone? Huh?

...48, 49, 50.

Coming, ready or not, you son of a bitch.

Where's the other one?

I don't know, sir.

Uh... Haggard!

Sorry. We were...

Haggard!

[softly] Fuck.

[laughs] Nice! Uh...

[whispering] Get over here. It's a guy with a badge.

We were just playing hide-and-seek, cos we had a lot of time.

[whispering] Hurry up.

I was hiding. [clears throat]

You have any traffic through here?

No. Just a couple of hillbilly types and two nerds in an RV.

Nerds, huh?

Yes. They were coming from Comic-Con. They met Adam Shadowchild.

Who the hell's Adam Shadowchild?

Oh, he... He wrote Prison Hulk 441.

OK? Jenny Starpepper And The Spitting Worm.

-Right? Fluxing Uranus. -Jesus.

You know you're a grown man, right?

Probably shave, pay taxes, have pubic hair.

All of those things.

-Did you search that vehicle? -Yes, sir.

What'd you find?

Uh, nothing much. Just a book with a green woman with three... titties.

-Titties. Three titties. -Three tits. That's awesome.

Oh, and some pissy jeans. Guy pissed himself. I don't know if...

-Close that. -...he had a pre-existing problem.

Listen to me, Frick and Fuck.

I want everything you can remember about the pissy nerds. OK? We're leaving.

What about the roadblock, sir?

It didn't work.

[bell dings]

-[horn honking] - [yelps]

Hey! Reese's Pieces.

Yes! Thank you.

[vehicle approaching]

[police radio chatter]

[buzzing]

[man] Heard there was a commotion on the road out to Rachel.

[trooper] Funny. I didn't hear about that.

-Must've been the boys out at the base. -Yeah.

-Hey. -[gasps] Shh!

-That's a bit much, isn't it? -What?

-Put it all back. -What about Paul's Reese's Pieces?

Just hurry up.

[chattering]

-[feet scuffling] -No, you go right ahead.

Oh. You sure? Thank you. Thank you, Officer.

-That beast outside yours? -[both] What?

-[Clive] What do you mean, beast? -Your RV?

-Oh. -Oh, the... Yes.

-The RV is ours. -No. Yes.

Where are you boys from?

[both] England.

I heard about England. No guns.

-Not many. -No, not really. Just, you know, farmers.

Well, how are police supposed to shoot anybody?

-[cash register clacking] -Oh.

-Well, they don't. -They try not to.

-[cash register rings] -That's $15.58.

Um, here's 20. Just keep the change. Keep the change.

Give it to charity or something.

[door buzzing]

[Paul] You did amazing, Graeme!

That cop didn't suspect a thing.

And Clive, you didn't pee your pants.

I don't mean to be a stick in the mud, but you are asking a lot of us, all right?

We've only just met. We don't know where we're going or why.

Do you not think we're due an explanation?

Look, the less you guys know the better.

I want you to have plausible deniability.

Let's just say I spent a long time at that base thinking I was a guest.

Turns out I was a prisoner.

But don't worry. I got it all under...

-[all scream] -[brakes squeal]

Fuck, that made me jump.

-Poor little thing. -Nothing you could've done, mate.

What uh... What are you doin'?

[Paul] Just watch.

[grunts]

-[straining] -[bone cracks]

[chirping]

[both laugh]

It's a miracle.

[groans]

Man, I'm gonna miss these. Mmm!

Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!

Why would you do that?

I'm not gonna eat a dead bird, am I? [sputters]

["Don't Bring Me Down" playing]

♪ You got me runnin' Goin' out of my mind ♪

[Paul singing along]

♪ You got me thinkin' That I'm wasting my time ♪

♪ Don't bring me down... ♪

[Paul] Come on, guys!

11 o'clock. 12 o'clock. 11 o'clock. 12 o'clock.

Come on, it's fun.

If you think about it, it's time travel.

♪ I'll tell you once more Before I get off the floor ♪

♪ Don't bring me down... ♪

[Paul] 11 o'clock. 12 o'clock.

[Paul] Yes! All right!

♪ Don't bring me down ♪

♪ Grüss ♪

♪ Don't bring me down... ♪

-[Paul] Let me see. Let me see. -[Graeme] No. Just sit still.

You gonna draw me like one of your French girls, Jack?

[kisses]

I'm joking.

I'm sorry. Just don't make me look fat, OK?

Earth's gravity adds ten pounds.

Paul, could I ask you a question?

Shoot.

Um, have you ever done that to a person?

Yes. I've eaten many people.

I'm jokin', big guy. Relax.

No, I mean, you know, fixed them?

Oh. No, not a dead person. Recently dead bird, that's one thing.

Dead person, whole other ball game.

It's actually really dangerous for me.

The damage can actually bounce back onto me--

[Clive yawns]

Sorry, am I boring you? Have you heard this one before?

Are you tired, sausage?

Don't call me that in front of him.

Are you tired, though?

Eggy, I'm bushed.

You know what? We're all tired. [bones crack]

Let's pull over and stop for the night, huh?

We are fugitives, Paul.

I refuse to just sit around and wait to get fingered by the Men In Black.

[Paul] Look, we just gotta find somewhere quiet.

We won't draw attention to ourselves.

[Clive sighs] But where are we going, Paul?

Oh, you'll know it when you see it.

-[O'Reilly] Two white guys? -[Trooper] Two strange white guys.

Strange white guys. Got it.

-Order anything weird? -Chocolate milk.

-Chocolate. -Chocolate.

[woman on radio] Zoil. Report.

We've tracked them to a gas station in Ely.

We think he may be traveling in an RV with two men from England.

[woman] New England?

[Zoil] Old England.

Creepy. What are they, MI6?

Negative. Just a couple of nerds on the lam from Comic-Con.

Something doesn't feel right. I think he had help on the inside.

I want those nerds iced and that little green prick

either back in his fishbowl or dead, ASAP.

[Zoil] I'm closing in, I can feel it.

[Zoil] In 24 hours he's gonna wish he never set foot on planet Earth.

[Graeme] OK, here we are. This is the place.

[Paul] Yeah, this looks good. It doesn't look like anyone's been murdered here.

Awfully quiet.

Quiet's good, Graeme. Quiet's our friend.

-Hi there. -[yelps]

There's a girl outside.

[inhales]

Um... OK.

All right, look.

We're just a couple of regular guys

on a tour of the less touristy side of the American Midwest.

I don't think she heard you.

-I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you. -Oh. Sorry.

Hi. I'm Ruth Buggs.

Good evening, Ruth. I am the writer Clive Gollings.

This is my friend and cohort Mr Graeme Willy.

Hi.

Um, have you got room? [chuckles]

Sure. Yeah. Park in Bay 9.

It's $25 a night, including hook-ups.

And I'll need an ID to hold on to.

OK.

[both chuckle]

[Clive] There you go. That's my passport.

Oh. The UK. I love the UK.

-[Clive] Have you been? -No.

You should go.

Oh. OK.

No, no. I meant you should go to London.

[sighs] There's a lot of places I wanna go.

[man] Ruth! Ruth, get in here!

Well, I'll be by in the morning to get your money.

So, have a pleasant evening now, won't you?

-[Clive] Thank you. -Bye.

[Graeme] And you. Bye.

She was lovely.

Why don't you just marry her then?

-Boo! -Hey!

[brakes squeal]

[Paul] It still works! That was 30 seconds ago I did it.

[ police radio chatter]

[man] What took you so long?

I was just talking, Papa.

You talk too much.

Sorry, Papa.

["Dancing In The Moonlight" playing] ♪ Dancin' in the moonlight ♪

♪ Everybody's feelin' warm and right... ♪

Hello.

-You want a cigarette? -No, thanks. I don't smoke.

-Can I ask you something? -Yeah, sure.

You and Graeme, are you guys...?

What?

You know. [clicks tongue]

You know. You guys, two guys.

[imitates gagging]

Fuckin' kidding me?

[grunting]

[grunts]

[imitates gagging]

[laughs] What are you...?

[grunting, groaning]

-I don't know what you mean. -Gay.

No! Why do people keep saying that?

Nah, I was just wondering.

Totally cool if you are.

Everyone's bi on my planet.

It's all about the pleasure thang. Know what I'm sayin'?

Why are you here, Paul?

Oh, I was here on a science mission, actually,

and then I had some spaceship-related problems,

and I kind of... crashed.

Lucky for me, though, this little girl, she pulls me out of the wreck.

Next thing I know, guys arrive, cart me off to the base.

[chuckles]

What have you been doing here all this time?

You know. I've been kickin' back, man. I've been shootin' shit.

-I've been advising the government. -Not just the government.

[man on phone] I want him to have some kind of a special power.

Something messianic.

[Paul] OK, Steven. How about cellular revivification?

Yeah! I don't know what that is.

Oh. Restoration of damaged tissue

through telepathic manipulation of intrinsic field memory.

-What's that mean? -It means healing, Mr Spielberg.

-Yeah, right. Healing. -OK?

Like by touch or something like that.

Maybe his finger lights up on the end when he reaches out and touches?

Maybe. You know, sometimes I find less is more.

Hey, trust me.

You'd be surprised how much he's influenced popular culture

over the last 60 years.

Agent Mulder was right.

Agent Mulder was my idea!

-Really? Wow. -Yeah!

That's cool.

Ooh. Pump that shit, Earthman. I like this song. Mmm!

Marvin's my boy.

♪ I used to go out to parties ♪

Come on.

Break it down a bit, boys. Don't be afraid.

♪ Cos I was too nervous ♪

Yeah, look at me. I'm breakin' it down.

♪ To really get down ♪

Use them tongs.

Dance with those tongs.

Stoke the fire.

♪ Yearned to be free ♪

Ooh! Whoo! Yes.

♪ I got up on the floor and thought ♪

Yee-haw!

♪ Somebody could choose me ♪

♪ No more standing ♪

[laughter]

♪ Beside the walls ♪

[Paul singing along, garbling lyrics]

[laughter continues]

♪ Finally got myself together, baby ♪

[Mr Buggs] Ruth! Prayers!

[Paul] I don't know the words to this song.

-No-one does. -[laughter]

[Paul] Hey, guys, let's get fucked up.

[all snoring]

-[knocking] -[gasps]

Who's knocking? Stop it.

-What are you doing? -Oh, shut up.

[grunts]

I'll hide in here.

-Don't come out. -Why would I come out?

-Who is it? -It's Ruth.

-Ooh. -Don't you dare... open that door.

-Hi. -[Ruth] Hi.

Good morning. Um, may I come in?

-Come in. Make yourself at home. -No, I don't think you should come in.

-We're not really dressed. -Sure. In you come.

Uh, so where's the other one?

The other one? It's just...

Oh. Oh, it's OK. We don't charge by the person.

There were three shadows I saw dancing around the RV last night, right?

-Oh. -The other one. The other one.

[Paul] I'm in the can. I ate a... I ate a closed pistachio.

[farts] I'm payin' for it.

[chuckles]

-That's a nice T-shirt. -Oh, thanks. I got it at my church.

It's Jesus shooting Charles Darwin.

Why would Jesus want to shoot Charles Darwin?

Because of his blasphemous theories.

Are you men of God?

We're men of science, you know.

We believe in the establishment of a biological order

through the maelstrom of physical and chemical chaos.

The world is 4,000 years old

and can only be the product of intelligent design.

-[Paul] That's horseshit! -[gasps]

Oh! Um, all right. Well, then please explain

how something as complex as the human eye simply just comes into being.

[Paul] It didn't just "come into being."

It is the culmination of billions of years of development across countless species!

[gasps] What are you talking about?

[Paul] Evolution, baby!

-Oh! Blasphemy! -[Paul] Blasphemy?

Nothing that you can say can shake my belief or faith

in the sure and certain knowledge that God made heaven and Earth

and created us all in his own image.

-[Paul] His own image? -Yeah.

[Paul] Well, I got a question.

How do you explain me?

-[gasps] -[Paul] She's going. She's falling. Catch.

And that's Jenga.

Why did you do that?

She fainted. We've gone through this.

But we're gonna have to take her with us now.

No. No.

This is America. Kidnapping a Christian? That's worse than harboring a fugitive.

But she's seen you. If we leave her, then she's gonna call the police.

Who gives a shit? No-one's gonna believe this God-bothering cyclops.

Let's just dump her on the road. Just roll her up in the rug.

[Graeme] No. We can't risk that.

If we take her with us, we can get her on our side.

Yeah, and you'd love to get her on our side, wouldn't you?

That doesn't make sense.

Look, she'll be fine. We're quite nice.

All right. What about my passport?

Oh, God. You guys.

[Paul] Mm-mm.

Mmm? Mm-mm.

[gasps] No!

Mmm.

Mmm. Hmm.

♪ Mm-mm-mm-mm ♪

[guffaws] Oh, shit.

Ruth? What in the Lord's name...?

Morning.

[gasps] Morning.

[inhales]

[whimpering]

Go, go, go, go, go!

Oh, fuck! [inhales]

[Mr Buggs] Show yourself, demon!

-[Graeme] Where are you? Where are you? -Passport! Passport!

Jump! Jump!

-[both scream] -[gasps]

-What? That's actually small on my planet.

[panting]

[Graeme, distorted] Um, Ruth?

Hello, Ruth. Um, would you like a cup of tea?

Where am I?

Hey, look who's awake.

Demon! Demon!

We're sorry. OK? We're sorry. We're not gonna hurt you. I promise.

We'll let you go just as soon as we can.

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself!

-He's evil! -I'm sitting right here. Come on.

No, he's not... He's not evil. He's just a bit rude.

You know, we're trying to help him get home. He's from another world.

There's only one world, our world.

The world that our God the Father created.

Hey, if it makes you feel any better,

my existence only disproves traditional notions

of the Abrahamic, Judeo-Christian God, as well as all one-world theologies.

That's all I meant.

♪ Amazing Grace How sweet the sound ♪

You can't win with these people.

♪ That saved a wretch ♪

Ruth, just listen to me for one second. Please, if you could just calm down--

I can't drive like this.

-[speaking Gibberish] - She's talking in tongues now?

Fuck this. [grunts]

[screeching]

-[sighs] -[grunts]

[gasps]

What did you do to her?

I just transferred my collective knowledge and experience

via a tactile psychokinetic bridge.

-Wow! Could you do me? -It really takes it out of me.

-Oh, go on. Please. -[grunts]

[gasping] Oh, wow!

Oh, yeah.

He always knew what was going on in Battlestar before me

cos his mum had cable.

All right, pull over. I'll do you.

Absolutely not. No spoilers.

[Mr Buggs] I didn't call the government! I called the police!

This is not the police's area of expertise, Mr Buggs.

That devil took my daughter.

What do you mean "devil"?

And your daughter's name is Ruth, is it?

That's right.

I brought her up by myself after her mama died.

[Zoil] Do you have a photograph of Ruth, sir?

She's pretty easy to spot.

She's had this eye thing since she was four years old.

Do you have a phone here

that your daughter might try to reach you at if she decides to call?

In the back.

Hey, Peter Parker, wanna put the snappy down and get to the phone?

[sighs] Right.

-[Mr Buggs] She'll call me if she can. -[phone beeping]

-[Zoil] You mentioned they went east. -[cell phone rings]

[Mr Buggs] They'll get off the 191 after Flaming Gorge

if they ain't on the interstate.

[Mr Buggs] There's been a big-rig spill south of Dutch John.

[Zoil] Here we go. Boys? To the car.

Sir? Mind telling us what we're looking for?

Yeah, what are we looking for?

I told you, this is a "need to know" operation.

Yes, sir, but...

Dammit.

[static]

[Haggard] Sir, I think it's time you tell us.

[ Zoil ] Hey, just do what the fuck I tell you, Haggard.

Now let's go find that crazy old bastard's little girl before it's too late.

-Ruth! Ruth, wait! -Leave me alone!

Please. Please stop. I've got shin splints.

[groans]

[panting, groaning]

He cannot be from space. It's not possible.

OK? He's from somewhere else.

Look, Ruth, you saw it for yourself, OK? He showed you.

There's probably billions of intelligent civilizations out there.

So where is everybody? Hmm?

I... Well, one of them's there.

[ Paul ] Are they looking? Are they looking?

Are they looking right now?

-Sorry. -[laughs]

That's pathetic.

What's your beef, Clive?

I don't have beef.

[scoffs]

I'm from outer space. You're a science fiction writer.

We should be best buds.

It's not you. It's me.

[indistinct conversation]

Is that what this is? You're jealous of her?

It's not just that.

Whoa. Of me?

Oh, my... This is because me and Graeme got, like,

two minutes of face time while you were sleeping?

-Is that what this is? -I wanted this to be special, you know.

I have dreamt about meeting you... ever since I saw Mac and Me.

And I blew it.

Now you two are friendly, and he's off talking to girls.

And it's like, where am I?

Come on, man.

This is special.

You guys being all nerdy and shit and meeting me?

I mean, that is fate.

Who cares if you pissed your pants, man?

When I first got here, first time I saw a human, I puked.

[laughs]

You guys are weird-looking.

You have giant bodies. You have tiny little... tiny heads.

-You're just being nice now. -[chuckles] No.

Look, you want a little sugar?

[groans and laughs]

It's just knowledge and experience, man.

You're a writer. It might give you some inspiration.

Will it hurt?

Only if you struggle.

All right.

[grunts]

[laughs]

[horn honking]

So there's no heaven, no hell? No right, no wrong?

No sin?

Well...

-I can drink? -If you like.

-I can fornicate? -Maybe.

-I can curse? -Well, yeah.

-Penises! -Ruth.

Assing! Hairy boobs! Poop!

Farting butt holes!

Ruth, I'm not sure this is helping.

What are you doing?

[yelps] Stop it!

Why? Why? Why should I stop?

[yelps]

This is not...

Because you have your whole life to explore new things, OK,

doesn't necessarily mean you should be exploring mine right now.

Look, you said you wanted to travel, all right?

To see, like, new stuff? This is your chance.

I really think you should come with us.

Where would I sleep?

Oh, I'll sleep on the sofa, and then you can have my bed.

You know? But I'd push the tissues off with a pen if I were you.

Because I've had a cold.

Oh.

Ruth has decided that she would like to come with us.

[inhales] Oh. Wicked.

I'm gonna go freshen up.

[Paul] Oh, um, hey. Ruth. Wait up.

You don't smoke.

I just wanted to say thanks.

I know this has been weird for you,

but you saved my life and I owe you one, OK?

-[Clive and Graeme chattering] -OK.

What do you got there, by the way?

Severe epiretinal membrane complicated by macular edema

in your left vitreous cavity?

How did you know that?

Lucky guess.

Do you mind if I take a look at it for one second?

What does it say in the Old Testament? An eye for an eye?

-Wait. I don't-- -It's OK. You can trust me.

-I don't know. -Just have a little faith, OK?

[straining]

[straining]

[Paul grunts]

[exhales] Oh!

How did you do that?

Evolution, baby.

[Paul chuckles]

-Um, Graeme? -Yeah.

-Oh, my God. Clive.

-[Clive] Oh, my God. -[Graeme laughs]

[snoring quietly, murmuring]

What are you gonna do? Make your move.

Make... Oh, shit. Damnit.

[snoring]

-[truck horn blowing] -[gasps]

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

[Paul] Hey, check it out. Check it out.

Huh? This is easy.

-[tyres screeching] -[groans]

Small corrections, Paul. Just make small corrections.

[Clive] Jam on the brakes!

Hey there, sleepy face.

Fuckeroo. That was the best titty-farting sleep I have ever had.

Uh, I got a feeling that you're new to cursing, Ruth.

Look, cursing's fun. You just gotta pick your moments, OK?

Hey, maybe we should stop for some food. Is anybody hungry?

-Fuck, yeah. -Ruth?

You bet your big, fat cock I am.

Nice.

[Clive] I'm starving.

What's new, fatty?

-It's not fat, Paul. It's power. -[Paul] Fat power.

-So rude. -You're rude.

-Maybe I should call my dad. -What?

-What? Why? -I've been gone for a whole day.

If he calls the police, they're gonna be looking for us.

If I don't, there's a good chance we could all end up in Shit-Butt City.

You're really getting the hang of this.

-Thanks, dick milk. -Eh.

-[engines revving] -[woman squealing]

[country music playing]

-I won't be long. -OK. Be careful.

[line ringing]

-[Zoil] Ruth Buggs? -Yes?

Listen to me carefully. I want you to tell me where you are.

Who is this?

My name is Agent Zoil, and it's very important

that you tell me where you are and where you are headed, Ms Buggs.

I... I can't tell you. I mean, I don't know.

You've been abducted.

And the individual that you're traveling with is highly dangerous.

[Ruth] Oh, no. He's... He's not dangerous.

I mean, he's kind of rude. He curses a lot.

And a couple times I've seen him scratch his spaceman balls.

[hysterical laughter]

Please listen to me.

Your father is extremely worried about you,

and we'd like to get you home, Ms Buggs.

He showed me things.

She's talking about his spaceman balls. Agh!

You know I'm trying to help you, right, Ruth?

I just... I don't know what's real any more. I'm confused.

-We got the bitch! -Yeah, dawg! Up high!

-[Zoil] Damnit, Haggard! Ms... -[exhales]

-Hey! -Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-Slow down there, baby. -Excuse me, I have to get to my friends.

What's the rush? I got a friend down here that'd love to meet you.

-OK. -[screams] What the fuck? Oh, Jesus!

-[man] Hey, hey! -Hey.

-How's your dad? -We gotta go. We gotta go.

-What about the mini pizzas? -We gotta go!

-No, you don't! -Holy shit!

It's the space faggots that dinged the fuck-mobile!

-We were just leaving. I don't feel well.

-I don't think so! -Leave her alone!

Oh, shit! Sailors!

-Let's go! -Sorry!

-Ooh! -Oh.

-Excuse me, miss. -Oh!

[grunting]

-Papa?

[woman] Get off my man!

Ruth? My Lord! Your eye!

-Come on. Let's go! -But what about my dad?

Let's go!

[man] Where are you going, girls?

Leave us alone, you stupid vaginas!

That's no way for a pretty little thing like you to talk!

-She's fairly new to it, to be honest. -Leave this to me. I'll talk to them.

-[grunts] -[both gasp]

Yo, fucknuts!

It's probing time.

-Oh.

-[siren in distance] -Hah! Only one of us fainted.

Oh, shit! The Five-O! Let's bounce.

I'm sorry. They answered the phone.

[Ruth] They knew about us.

[siren approaching]

Get in the RV.

-Come on! They're gonna wake up! -Hurry!

[Clive] Sorry!

[Paul] OK. We need to get off the road.

Shouldn't we keep moving?

No. That is exactly what they'll expect us to do. Trust me.

Only an idiot would stop right now.

[Paul] Yeah. Pull in here. Pull in here. Perfect.

-[Clive] What? Paul. -[Paul] We're idiots, remember?

What should we do now?

Well, how about a hot chocolate in bed?

What are you, my grandma?

I couldn't sleep. I'm too pumped.

Yeah, me too. Let's get some beers, find somewhere to chill.

What do you say?

What if someone sees you?

It's dead out there. And I can do this. [inhales]

-OK. I'm in. -[Paul] Rocky?

-Sure. -[Paul] Bullwinkle?

Well, I'm a little bit tired.

[Paul] Don't be a pussy.

Don't call me a pussy. All right.

-[siren wailing] -All right. Come on.

I might bruise. Get your hands off me!

[chattering in background]

Hoss?

Something I can help you with?

Yeah. You mind telling me what happened here?

Just a good old-fashioned beer-soaked slobber-knocker.

See anything unusual?

A couple hillbilly types in the back of that meat wagon won't stop crying.

[police radio chatter]

Have you gentlemen seen anything unusual this evening?

[whimpers] Mm-mm.

Mm-mm.

-Are we sure? -[both] Mm-hm.

-Thank you. -No sweat.

[both screaming and sobbing]

-[Ruth] It's a nice window. -[Graeme] It's a little cowboy, isn't it?

[both laugh]

[Graeme] That is funny.

-I'll tell you what else is funny. -Mmm.

Was when you kissed me yesterday.

-[laughs] -Sorry.

-No. It's not... -Oh.

I was, like, "Get off me, you rapist."

[nervous chuckle]

-Do it again, if you like. -What?

I said you can do it again, if you like.

Really?

If you're gonna try it, maybe you should do it with a friend, you know,

rather than someone like a stranger,

because, you know, there's a lot of weirdos out there.

Well, I am planning on doing a lot of kissing and fornicating,

so you'd really be helping me out.

-Great.

[gasps] What'd you mean? What, now?

-I thought you meant... -No, I did. No, let's do it now.

-I mean... -Yeah. Right. Well, um...

Put my hands on you.

Just stand here? OK.

Hold you steady.

-[Graeme and Ruth screaming] -Fuck!

I'm sorry. I thought I was gonna pass out. Carry on.

What's happening?

Nothing. Nothing. Just hanging around.

They were about to make out.

It was awkward.

We were just...

Good. Please put your shorts on, Paul.

-[strained voice] You guys partake? -No, thank you.

I'll partake.

Are you sure? [chuckles]

It's pretty strong shit. I got it from the military, actually.

-This is the stuff that killed Dylan. -Bob Dylan's not dead.

Isn't he?

Hit me.

OK. Just, you know, go easy on it.

Ruth.

[Paul] A little bit. A little bit.

-[Paul] Yeah? -It's not so bad.

I... To be fair, it takes a while to be absorbed into--

-[laughs hysterically] -[Paul] Oh, shit.

[Paul] Hmm.

-[thud] -[Ruth continues laughing]

[gasps] I'm hungry.

We should cook up some sausages. Do we have any sausages?

-Uh... -What do you mean by that?

-No. -Why do you guys hate me?

Can we cook up some sausages?

Ooh, I have wasps in my brain!

[thud]

She'll be fine. That happened to me the first time.

Paul.

I always wanted to ask. We... You know us now, right?

Yeah. I mean, Graeme, we're, like, bona fide BFFs.

[chuckles]

Why are you in such a hurry to leave now?

Well, according to the government, I've fulfilled my usefulness.

I told them everything I know.

The only thing I have left to offer them now are my abilities,

the healing, the thought transfer, the camouflage.

In order to cultivate those abilities, they need some of my stem cells.

And I'm not really down with that.

Lucky for me, I do have one friend left on the inside.

So I managed to get an SOS beamed into space.

I got my people primed and ready to pick me up.

Then motherfuckers brought the procedure forward by a day.

-My whole plan goes to shit. -What happened?

On the way to the medi-labs, I zapped my escort, I stole his car, I took off.

Found you guys.

So what happens if you get caught?

Graeme, they're gonna cut out my brain.

Oh.

[Paul] Yeah. It's fucked.

It's kind of a buzzkill.

Let's lighten the mood, shall we? Clive, when did you last get laid?

[chuckles]

Oh. Hmm. [inhales]

-Uh, Collectormania, London, '08. - '08.

Ewok chick.

[sing-songy] Clive likes boning space bears!

-Shut up. -[Paul laughs]

No, but seriously, be honest with me.

What was it like?

Well, she was furry nice.

-[Paul] Oh! That's disgusting! -[all laugh]

Oh, that's gross.

[laughter continues]

-Hey, Clive. -[giggles]

No, Boomer. It's forbidden.

Hey, Clive.

-Hey! -Clive!

[Paul] Let's go, guys! We gotta get out of here!

-[Paul grunts] -[sighs]

-[yawns] -[bones cracking]

Where's Ruth?

She went back to the RV.

[laughs] Of course.

-He can read minds. -[Clive] Come on.

[Paul] Uh, guys, I think we have a slight problem over here.

[traffic sounds]

[Paul groans]

I can't hold my breath the whole way through town.

Wait here.

-What? Oi! Wait. -[car horn honking]

Morning. Agent Zoil, Secret Service.

You mind if I come in there and ask a few questions?

Not at all.

Morning.

[indistinct chatter]

-Why are we holding hands? -So we look like a family.

Yeah, the fucking Friedmans.

-You could be a midget. -You're obsessed with midgets!

No, I'm not!

[whispering] Stop it. Just be-- Act normal.

OK. We're just a couple of regular guys,

walking down the street with a small cowboy, all right, Clive?

Clive?

Clive. Oh, come on!

Clive, what are you doing?

-Yeah, man. What the fuck? -I want it.

I can appreciate it's a bargain, but this is not Comic-Con. This is reality.

It's a false economy anyway.

It'll break the first time you use it. Let's go!

-Why would I ever use it? -Can we just go, please?

Wait. Maybe we should go inside.

-[Graeme] What? -[Paul] We'll hide out.

You go back and get Ruth. Get the RV, pick us up in ten minutes.

You sure?

Trust me.

-[knocking] -[inhales]

Morning. My name is Agent Zoil, Secret Service.

You mind if I come in, ask you a few questions?

-Do you mind if we just do it right here? -OK.

It's just this place is a real cock-suckin' mess.

Got it.

I'm telling you. We're looking for a goddamn alien.

I thought all that Project Blue Book stuff was horseshit.

No, it all makes sense. I mean, all this hush-hush crap?

-The drawing that I found? -Mm-hm.

What do you think that girl was talking about last night?

-Holy shit! Spaceman balls! -Yeah.

And who has spaceman balls?

-Buzz Aldrin? -Be serious.

[imitates sword slicing]

[groans]

[humming]

Hello, handsome.

-[chuckles] -[boy] Is that you?

Uh... Huh?

Is that you on the cover?

Uh, no. [chuckles]

-What's your name? -Keith Nash.

-Nice to meet you. I'm Paul. -Right.

So uh, you're not freaked out by me?

-Mmm. Yes and no. -Huh.

You mind taking a look at these photographs,

tell me if you recognize either one of these two gentlemen

or the one-eyed girl?

-Ma'am? -No.

Anything? Anything at all?

Mm-mm.

-You really think this is an alien? -Yeah.

-This is huge. -I know. I know.

Is that a comic book shop? Can we go in there?

Maybe. If you're good.

-Thanks for your time, Mrs... -Darwin.

Charlotte Darwin.

-Charlotte Darwin. You have a great day. -Thanks.

[sighs deeply]

You should get this one.

-Thanks. -Yeah, it's good.

Nice! Like your style, Keith Nash.

-I gotta go. -Catch you later.

-Bye, Paul. -Don't get caught.

[laughs] Happy trails.

-Eh? -[bells chime]

Huh! Pretty good.

Pretty good.

[clears throat] Um, how much is that?

With the sword, $299.99, plus tax.

Uh, yeah. I'll wear it now.

-[knocking] -[Haggard] Come on, man. Let's go!

I'll be right out.

[sighs]

Should use the cuff link thing.

Spaceman balls?

[zipper unzips]

Get your goddamn hands off my motherfuckin' junk!

[screams]

It's in there! It's in there!

[groans]

Hello.

O'Reilly! You dumb shit. That's just some asshole... in a mask.

-[Paul panting] -Holy Mary, Mother of God!

I gotta quit smokin'.

-[screaming] -[Clive] Run! Fuck, let's go!

-[woman screams] -[Paul] Sorry, ma'am!

[panting, squealing]

[gunshot]

-Shit! -They're right behind me!

-Hurry up, buttcracks! -Hey, look. It's that nerd.

Ohhhh!

-Oh-ho! Yeah! -Who was that kid?

Keith Nash. Punch it!

-Oh! Oh! Oh! -What happened? Who was that kid?

[tyres screeching]

-Get the car started! -Yes, sir!

Whoa, whoa. What's goin' on? Did you guys get me some information?

We saw it. We saw the alien.

It was in the comic book shop. Hideous! I think I shit my pants.

I don't know what you guys are talking about.

OK. You know what?

You know exactly what we're talking about.

I'm sick and tired of being in the dark on this--

Hey. Where the fuck did he go?

I got your door for you. I got mine.

He went with those nerds.

So, do... You want to follow us, big guy?

-You kids are gonna go back to the base. -Uh-huh.

Daddy's gonna stick behind, do a little adult work.

Now tell me which way the little green guy went.

North-North... Northeast Highway. Northeast Highway.

Straight home now.

[Ruth] Sorry, guys. It's my dad!

This guy doesn't quit. You kind of have to respect it.

-Oh, God, Graeme. Drive faster. -Go away, Dad!

-Clive, calm down. -Those asshorns are gonna catch us!

-I said calm down! Pull over! -What do you mean, pull over?

Pull over!

All right. That's it. This is too dangerous.

I can make it on my own from here.

-What do you mean? -No. Graeme, you've done enough.

I'll boost a car or something. I can drive an automatic.

You're a terrible driver.

He's right, Paul. You can't even drive a spaceship.

I'm close now. I'll be fine.

-But we've come all this way. -Yeah. And at what cost, huh?

I've shaken your faith. I've almost gotten you guys killed.

I just want to get home.

You are going home.

I think we've come too far to let you do this alone.

Yeah. What happened to BFFs?

We are in this together, Paul.

You bet your hairy love eggs we are.

The last 72 hours have been the ride of my life,

and I'm fucked if I'm getting off this bus now.

-Yeah, me too. -And me.

Well, that settles it.

We're all fucked.

Thank you guys so much.

If you're absolutely sure,

there is a little something you can do for me.

["Close Encounters Of The Third Kind" tune from game]

[chuckles] Seems rather fitting.

Hmm.

-That wasn't difficult, was it? -No. Not at all.

-Hello. -Hello.

That'll be $299.99, plus tax.

-Hmm. Same as the sword. -[laughs]

-[Paul] Look. They're running. -[Ruth] Holy shit! Get the door!

Oh, shit. Can you drive this thing?

-Been driving these things my whole life. -[engine starts]

[Paul] Come on! Get in! Get in!

-[panting] -[Paul] Graceful.

[woman on radio] Zoil. Picked up a 911 outside of Prospect.

A fireworks store just got ripped off by two British nerds in an RV.

Son of a bitch!

According to local bacon, they're on the 14, 40 miles west of you.

Drive like a man, you'll catch up to them in 30.

Cops are standing down. You better spin your ass around.

Roger that!

[woman on radio] Don't make me come out there.

I'm guest of honor at the governor's ball tonight. I'm dressed up real nice.

Where the hell does this 14 go anyway?

You tell me.

I don't know. You got Thermopolis. You got Lytle Creek.

[woman] Holy shit. More crops on the 14.

-[Zoil] You don't think uh...? -[woman] Son of a bitch is going back.

He's gonna try and make contact. We got him, Zoil.

Bring me back my space monkey,

and I guarantee you level five clearance and all the perks.

[Zoil] Great. Better parking space would be good.

I don't know, man. I don't know. He looked awful mad.

Fuck him. He's a dinosaur.

It's time for some new blood.

-OK. We're nearly there. -This is where we've been heading?

No. I just need to make a little stop first, OK?

Do you think we've really got time to be making little stops, Paul?

This is something I really have to do.

[Paul] OK. Stop here. This is good.

This is close enough.

[Paul groans]

-Well, shouldn't we park a bit closer? -No.

-We don't want to scare her. -Scare who?

-[Graeme] You knock. -[Clive] You knock.

I always knock.

[woman] Who's there?

Um... Is... Is that Tara Wilton?

-Leave me alone. -[clears throat]

Ms Wilton, my name is Clive Gollings.

I'm here with my friend Mr Graeme Willy.

[lock unlatches]

And what do you want?

We're here with the alien that killed your dog 60 years ago.

-Let's go. Let's just go. -[door opens]

What is this? Some kind of a joke?

Hey, Tara.

[gasps] You!

[ticking]

That's a very loud clock, isn't it?

You have a nerve showing your face here after all these years.

-Maybe I should make some tea. -I'll do it.

[sighs] OK.

Hmm.

Uh, look, Tara, I--

I only just stopped believing in you, you know.

I spent a very long time trying to convince folks

about what happened that night.

Everyone said I was mad.

They told me it was a meteor that squashed little Paul.

Said that I was concussed, hallucinating.

But I knew you were real.

I pulled you from that spaceship myself.

I kept you warm and comfortable.

I sat there with you till the men came to take you away.

When word got out about my story,

kids used to come and throw stones at the house, call me names.

And I just hid myself away.

[Tara cries] I'd spend whole nights up there,

just staring at the sky, hoping that I'd catch a glimpse of you.

And here you are.

I'm sorry, you know.

If I could have done it any other way, I--

Oh, it's OK.

You're real. That's all that matters. [chuckles]

-I was right. -Mm-hm.

And all those folks that said I was crazy?

Well, they can all just go fuck themselves.

[chuckles]

I brought something for you. Thought you might want it back.

Here you go.

[gasps]

Oh, thank you. [sobs]

[Tara crying]

[ringing]

Now, who do you suppose that is?

[Clive gasps] Whoa!

-Where did that come from? -Holy shit! It's them!

-I'll take the front! -[ringing]

[yelps and coughs]

What the fuck are you doing here?

-Go! Go! -[coughing]

-[all coughing] -Go on.

Haggard! [groans]

-[Haggard] Alien! -No, Paul!

-[explosion] -[shouting]

[grunting, panting]

Shit! Haggard! Where's the party, man?

There's no-one in this place! Come on, buddy. Help me out.

Oh, fuck!

[grunts]

-Freeze, motherfucker! -Ah. So weak.

Give me the alien!

-Give me... -[clattering]

-Give me the fucking alien! -No.

Ow! Fuck. Watch it.

Give me the alien!

-[Paul groans] -Get your own alien.

[screaming]

[screams]

[groaning, grunting]

[grunts] Thank you, Clive! Is Tara with us? Tara!

Come this way! Follow us!

-Oh, man-balls! It's my dad! -[Paul] Are you OK?

-Am I heavy? -I told you it's not fat. It's power!

Oh, great.

-[rifle cocks] -[groans]

I told you we should've parked closer!

-[gunshots] -[all shouting]

Holster that. They're mine!

-Consider that a warning! -You crazy bastard!

I got you, you little space freak.

-Ruth! Get back here! -Just go home!

-I got you, sucker. -[gas hissing]

Coming, ready or not.

[grunts]

[screams]

[Clive] Oh, fuck.

[coughs]

Papa!

-Ruth, wait! -Wait!

Papa!

-Papa! -[Clive] Ow!

-[groaning] -It's OK. He's alive. He's OK!

-[panting] -He's all right!

-Go, Clive, go! -Wait for me!

-You're OK. Wait here. -Thank you. I'm OK.

[coughing]

-[groans] -[gunshots]

[yelps]

Graeme!

[coughing]

Ruth! Drive!

[Clive] Come on, Graeme!

Don't leave me!

[grunts]

-[both grunt] -Never.

Graeme, you scared the shit out of me.

Ruth, why aren't you driving?

I told you. It's easy!

[all screaming]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it!

Shit! Shit! Shit! Road! OK.

[Paul] Small corrections. Small corrections.

Oh! My weed!

Oh! [cries]

[engine revving]

[gunshot]

[clicks]

Motherfuckin', titty-sucking, two-balled bitch!

[woman] Zoil, progress report.

This is Haggard, sir!

Agent Zoil is no longer in command!

I don't give a shit who's in command. Where the fuck are they?

Just ahead of me, heading east towards Lytle Creek.

I don't wanna hear from anybody until that cocksucker is dead! Get me?

Yes, sir. Ma'am.

Goddamnit!

This is official government business!

Stand down, or I am authorized to use deadly force!

That thing has my daughter!

This isn't your mission!

I'm on a mission from God!

-Tell him you failed!

[groans]

Shit! We got company.

-He's trying to overtake us! -Don't let him get past!

-Should I ram him? -What about the deposit?

-Fuck the deposit. -[Paul] Ah, you're crazy!

[screams]

-[grunts] -Oh!

-Oh, fuck. Come on! -Smile, you son of a bitch!

Eyes forward, butt-horn.

[screaming]

[Haggard screaming]

Do you think he'll be OK?

Yeah, he'll be fine.

[gasps] Mmm.

-[woman on radio] Haggard. -Zoil.

Where are the other two?

One crashed and burned, the other just burned.

Jesus Christ! This has been one fuck-up after another.

I should have handled this myself.

I am very close. You give me one hour.

An hour? I'll be eating canapés with the governor in an hour.

-I need this wrapped up now! -No, no. They're mine, damnit.

I'm gonna finish this once and for all.

Too late, Zoil. I'm bringing in the big...

-[gunshot] -Boring conversation anyway.

[sighs]

Fare thee well, my friend. You were a faithful and mighty steed.

-I can't believe she's gone. -Ain't that a bag of tits.

Oh. What'll we do now, Paul?

Paul?

[Graeme] Paul, where you going?

[Paul] See? What did I tell you, fellas?

-You'd know it when you saw it.

[both laugh]

[both] Of course.

Ah. Right. Shoots flaming balls.

[both] Ooh!

-Can you just light the fuckin' thing? -Fireworks are not toys, Paul.

What is the suggested safe distance?

-[Paul groans] -Right. Um...

500 feet.

That will put us behind the tree line. We won't enjoy the full effect.

-That's true, actually-- -Hey! What the...?

[Paul laughs] Now you're running, huh?

[Graeme] That's not funny. That's dangerous.

-[explosion] -[all gasp]

Wow.

[all gasp]

[firework whistling]

[fireworks exploding]

-Wow. -What now?

We wait.

[Clive laughs] Whoa!

-That's amazing. -[Ruth] Thank you.

-[Paul] Not bad. -That's three times you've done that now.

-[trees rustling] -[Clive] I never met anyone--

[signal echoing]

[sighs]

Oh, no, you don't.

Wait a minute.

[blades whirring]

[woman on speaker] Stay where you are, you little green bastard!

It's the Big Guy.

Well, what do you know?

Small world!

Paul!

Zoil?!

-[screaming] -[all gasping]

-Get down! -[yelps]

Huh?

[whimpers]

Agh! [groans]

Don't fucking move!

Ju... J... OK. Everyone be cool. Everyone just be cool.

I gotta say, I'm a little hurt, Agent Zoil.

He introduced me to my wife. He's my friend.

You stupid son of a bitch. You could've been where I am in 15 years.

-I don't wanna be where you are. -Too bad.

-Let's go, Mork. -Don't call me Mork.

-No. -[Paul] Guys, you don't have to do this.

No. He's going nowhere.

[laughs] Can it, nerds.

What do you think you can possibly bring to the table

at this point in the game?

Blind fury.

[grunts, gasps]

-Oh. -False economy. I told you.

Step aside, fag.

[speaks alien language]

-[grunts] -[Paul] Oh! Dude! Insane!

[grunting]

-[Ruth] Leave him alone! -[gasps]

[shouts]

Oh!

-[crunches] -Ow!

Ow! [grunts]

[screams]

[grunting, whimpering]

[Ruth screams and grunts]

-[Graeme] Ruth! -Get away from her, you bitch!

-[grunts] -Ow!

[groaning]

Zoil. You OK, man?

So much for the plan, huh?

I know, right?

I'm sorry I zapped you at the farmhouse.

That's OK. Sorry I wasn't there to meet you outside the base.

By the time I got there, you'd gone. But I see you got yourself a plan B.

[Paul] Did I ever. These are my friends.

Hello. Pleasure to meet you boys. You did a hell of a job.

Thank you, Agent Zoil.

Please call me Lorenzo.

[both] Lorenzo Zoil?

That's right.

[Mr Buggs] Ruth!

Papa?

Paul!

[gasps]

That was close.

Oh, my.

No!

Oh, God, Graeme! Graeme!

-I never meant to-- -Put the gun down, Mr Buggs.

Drop the fucking gun, Dad!

[Graeme crying] Oh, no! I really liked this T-shirt.

[ Clive ] This is all my fault. We should never have come on holiday.

No, no, no. It's... It's fine. It's fine, Clive.

-We've had a good time, haven't we? -Yeah. But you got shot.

[Graeme groaning]

Yeah, I know, but I can honestly say, Clive,

this is the most fun I have ever had.

[gasps, exhales]

[sniffling]

Graeme?

[sobs]

Graeme?

[crying] Graeme?

I've gotta try, right?

Yeah.

No, no.

[Clive crying]

[Zoil] Paul? Think about this.

[low grunting]

[strained grunting]

[grunting continues]

[Ruth murmuring]

[painful grunting]

[shouting]

[shouting]

[Paul grunting]

[Paul shouting]

[gasps and coughs]

Paul!

Oh.

Paul?

[gasps]

-[gags and groans] -[sighs]

[Paul groaning]

Well, that sucked. I don't even get to eat him.

[laughs]

Wasn't that really, really dangerous?

Sometimes you just gotta roll the dice.

It's a miracle! [laughs]

The Lord has delivered his healing hand!

Can't win with these people.

Sorry you got killed by my dad.

That's... That's fine.

Do you wanna try that kiss again?

Fuck yeah.

Huh?

[woman clears throat]

Well, ain't this--

Whoa!

I changed my mind. That is Jenga.

[speaking alien language]

[alien language continues]

[shutter clicks]

-[Ruth] Oh, that's good. -This is a nice one of you.

Thank you.

Look, Mr Buggs.

-It's been a hell of a ride, huh? -[chuckles]

Sorry I frightened the shit out of you.

You didn't frighten me. You freed me.

I'm glad.

Hmm. That's nice. Thanks.

Hey. Take care of her, big man.

Oh, I will, sir. And God be with you.

Yeah. Whatever, dude. Sure.

Say bye to Karen for me.

Safe trip, Short Round.

Thanks.

-Oh, you're coming with me. -What?

I ruined your life, Tara.

I think it's only right I give you a new one.

Huh.

I don't have my toothbrush.

Baby, where we're going, you don't need teeth.

[Paul] That's right. Right on. Get in there, girl.

Yeah. She's cool. She's with me. Let her in. Yeah. No.

[speaking alien language]

Gentlemen.

[exhales] I, um-- I meant to ask.

What did you think of the book?

Oh, no. I liked it. Actually, I really liked it.

There's lot of good... ideas in it.

I kind of found it hard to finish, to be honest.

Yeah. Yeah, me too. [chuckles]

Keep it for the journey home, if you like.

Oh, yeah. No, definitely.

Three tits. Awesome.

Well, safe to say we've all learned something from this.

Be yourselves, speak from your heart. Some shit like that. I don't know.

Yeah. You know, I certainly feel a bit different.

And me.

Thank you, guys.

No, thank you.

Yeah. Thanks, Paul.

Hugs?

Come on!

Clive, I can feel your boner.

[all laugh]

Till next time.

[engine rumbling]

-[Graeme] So cool, isn't it? -[Clive] It's amazing!

[Paul] Good-bye!

[whirring]

See ya!

Good-bye!

[engine powering down]

This ship takes off very slowly. It's a little awkward.

Good-bye!

[Paul] Can you guys take off any faster? Come on!

[Clive exhales]

[sighs]

That was good, wasn't it?

[chuckles]

["All Over The World" playing]

♪ Everybody all around the world ♪

♪ Gotta tell you what I just heard ♪

♪ There's gonna be a party All over the world... ♪

[ electronic alien language]

Sorry. Who are you?

Someone who loves you.

Hey! I thought you were coming as Wonder Woman today.

♪ I heard these voices Calling all over the world... ♪

All right. Would you please welcome

the team behind this year's multi-Nebulon-award-winning best seller.

♪ Everybody got the word ♪

♪ Everybody everywhere Is gonna feel tonight... ♪

By the way, these are friends of mine.

I'm very proud of you, Graeme.

I'm very proud of you, Sausage.

Come on.

♪ Everybody walking down the street ♪

♪ Everybody moving to the beat ♪

♪ We're gonna get hot Down in the USA... ♪

Pat Stevens? Like, Pat Stevens from chapter one?

The very same.

You know, I always pictured you taller.

-Well, you should see me standin' up. -Oh, I'd like that.

♪ Everybody come along with me ♪

♪ We're gonna hit the night ♪

♪ Down in gay Paris ♪

I didn't realize you were so damn pretty.

You should see me out of these crazy clothes.

I'd like that.

♪ Everybody got the word... ♪

No. I can't.

♪ Everybody everywhere Is gonna feel tonight... ♪

I understand, apparently, they are citing me

as the... as the...

Well, fuck. You know.

Please welcome to the stage Clive Gollings and Graeme Willy.

Give it up.

[crowd cheering]

[both] Three, two, one.

Congratulations. Congratulations.

Yay!

♪ Monte Carlo, Shard End ♪

♪ All over the world ♪

♪ Everybody got the word... ♪

Graeme! Clive! Whoo!

I know those guys!

♪ Everybody all around the world ♪

♪ Gotta tell you what I just heard ♪

♪ Everybody walkin' down the street... ♪

-You! -Hi.

♪ I know a place where we all can meet ♪

♪ Everybody's gonna have a good time ♪

♪ Everybody will shine ♪

♪ Till the daylight ♪

♪ All over the world ♪

♪ Everybody got the word ♪

♪ Everybody everywhere Is gonna feel tonight ♪

♪ All over the world ♪

♪ Everybody got the word ♪

♪ All over the world ♪

♪ Everybody got the word Word, word, word, word, word ♪

♪ All over the world ♪

♪ Everybody got the word ♪

♪ Is this real or is it a dream? ♪

♪ Is this real or is it a dream? Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Is this real or is it a dream? ♪

♪ Is this real or is it a dream? Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah Oh, yeah ♪