Original subtitles

- Missed you at lunch today.

Did you slip out for a quickie with professor hot stuff?

- Her name is Michelle, and how did you know?

- There's a gold star on your fly.

- [Gasps] You weren't kidding.

You know, it's nice to have a girlfriend

with a sense of humor and one who recognizes good work.

- Oh, it'll change your life. Let me teach you the chords.

See, that's "g." that's the most important chord.

In my mind, it... it stands for "God."

- Why is Annie talking to micro-nipples?

- Vaughn? Whatever.

- But not like a bible God,

because I think that God is in everything.

- You're complicated.

- * Annie *

* Annie, where are you going today? *

- Spanish class.

- * Spanish *

- you know what I don't get?

He never wears a shirt. He never wears shoes.

Why hasn't he died from lack of service?

- You watching another movie in your dorm tonight?

- Kickpuncher, starring don "the demon" Donaldson

as a cyborg cop whose punches have the power of kicks.

- That sounds awful. I'll bring the popcorn.

- Cool.

- Uh, you... you watch bad movies on purpose?

- Yeah. We make fun of 'em.

- Shirley, don't embarrass yourself.

I'm sure they don't want to invite a housewife.

- Actually, if she doesn't mind reinforcing the stereotype,

I bet Shirley would have fun talking smack at a movie.

Care to join us? - Usually when a movie's bad,

I stop watching, but this sounds college-y.

- What time do you want us there?

- Pierce, you don't want

to watch a cyborg movie in Abed's dorm.

You want to lay on your twin bed

and think about what you used to be.

- What? You think I'm too old

to make monkeyshines at a picture show?

Come on. I'm younger than the three of you put together.

- Yeah, you know, everyone talks about his nipples,

but his feet freak me out.

- Britta!

- Hey. - Hi.

- Can I ask you something...

About Vaughn? - Oh, yes.

I still don't know if that's his first or last name.

- [Chuckles] He's sweet, actually.

I mean, you must have thought so.

- He has a sincerity I found attractive

in a simpler time.

- Would you... um, I haven't...

we haven't... anything.

I mean... - wow, you and Vaughn.

- Would it bug you?

- Well, what about you and Troy?

- Troy...

The other day after Spanish,

I thought he was trying to hold my hand,

but he'd just mistaken me for abed.

He'll never think of me that way.

- Well, Annie, I would have to be a villain

to tell you who to date, which I am not.

- [Shrieks] Britta!

Thank you.

You're the coolest girl I've ever met.

- Damn right. Give me some fivesies.

Whoo.

Turning it into a snake.

- Cool.

[Rock music]

- * I can't count the reasons I should stay *

- hey. How's it going?

Did you hear? It's cute... Annie and Vaughn.

- Get to the cute part.

- She's into him. She asked for my blessing.

- And you gave it?

- Yeah. I'm done with him.

- Look, this isn't about you, you groovy hipster.

It's about Annie.

We're like her Greendale parents.

You got to say no to that stuff.

- He's not that bad.

- Yeah, not if you're 28

and you're fooling around with him.

She's 18.

Her taste in men is still being established.

Creepier and creepier dudes will start thinking of her

as an option, and it all starts with Vaughn.

He's a gateway douche bag.

- People collide. Things happen.

It can't be controlled, right?

- And that can be your toast

at her shotgun wedding to star-burns.

Oh, yeah, turn to your left.

Oh, now turn to your right.

Yes, we can see both of them.

It's like a constellation on your face.

Oh, what's up, dude? Yeah.

- That guy over there, he's a douche bag.

- Hey, guys. - hola.

- Hey, I hope you don't mind. I invited senor Chang.

We're Netflix friends.

- Oh, that's cool that you're hanging out,

drinking beers with your students.

- Yeah.

Clearly, none of my other plans fell through.

- Let's get to the movie.

[Stammers] Oh, I'm sorry, Shirley.

I'll wait if you want to serve beverages.

- You gonna be waiting a long-ass time.

- Ooh, FBI warning... I'm so scared.

[Laughter]

- Hey, that's not fair.

I didn't know we started.

- It is the year 2006 AD,

and nuclear war has ravaged the planet.

- I must have missed that.

- Nice.

- The wasteland between cities is a free-fire zone

ruled by scavengers, drug dealers, and terrorists.

- Sounds like a Thanksgiving at my house.

[Laughter] - That's pretty crazy.

- He did it, though.

- They just come to me.

- You guys want to buy some mega dope?

It gets you mega High.

- Will it get me through this movie?

[Laughter]

- Shirley, that was good.

- Freeze! Police.

- Freeze police? Don't do that.

They'll get cold. [Laughs]

- You have done so much for our city.

Kickpuncher, is there anything that we can give you?

- Yeah, two hours of my life back.

[Laughter] - Nice.

- Don't call me kickpuncher.

Call me David.

- "Directed by Kim Yang."

Asian...

Can't direct, can't drive.

[Laughs]

- Dude, I'm right here.

- So...

Clearly we're all a bunch of funny people.

When are we doing this again?

- Well, actually, tomorrow we were all gonna get together.

[Overlapping statements]

Tomorrow night we're all gonna get together

to watch kickpuncher 2: Codename Punchkicker.

- Well, I was just warming up tonight.

Tomorrow you better foam the runways,

'cause I'm bringing my "a" game.

- Awesome.

[Annie giggling]

- [Laughs]

Oh, my God.

He's got her in some kind of hippie collar.

I can hear her armpit hair growing from here.

We got to do something.

- Okay, even if I agreed with you, what are we gonna do?

- That's nice.

- Well, I know if we say we disapprove,

we'll just drive her further into his hemp-braceleted arms.

We need to be smart. We need to hatch a scheme.

- Mm, hatching schemes is not really my wheelhouse.

- Let's not confine ourselves to your wheelhouse.

This problem won't respond to tap dancing

or casual revelations that you spent time in new York.

- Okay, if you're gonna get all upper East side

about this, I think we're done.

- Hey, winger, check out Annie.

Somebody just went to the top of my "to do" list.

- [Groans]

- Okay, we need to hatch a scheme.

- Thank you.

- It's all very simple.

In Annie's world, long before Vaughn,

she only had eyes for Troy.

- So if Troy becomes a real option,

Annie will drop Vaughn in a hippie's heartbeat.

- Crash course in manipulation...

you don't actually tell the person what you want them to do.

You help them realize they want to do it

so it can't be traced back to you.

- Chemistry... sexy.

You know what else is sexy?

Annie.

- [Scoffs] I know chemistry is sexy.

But Annie? I don't see it.

- Well, every other guy on campus does.

- You really don't see how pretty Annie is?

- Maybe it's 'cause I knew her back in High school,

before she dropped out.

She had braces and acne and a pill addiction

and a nervous breakdown ending with her running

through a plate-glass door, screaming, "everyone's a robot!"

- I see what's happening here.

Troy, I want you to clear your head.

- Done. - I'm gonna describe to you

a complete stranger who happens to be

in our study group.

Would you excuse us for a moment?

- Annie?

No kidding.

Come on, you got to be exaggerating.

Oh, man.

- [Clears throat] - And she's Jewish?

I can't believe I didn't see that.

Well, I guess she deserves another shot.

Oh, wait, never mind. It's too late.

I Heard she's hooking up with Vaughn.

- Only to make you jealous. Both: What?

- She's helplessly in love with you.

She's only with Vaughn to get your attention.

And you have to give it to her now, right, Jeff?

- Sure.

But the point is,

we're not telling you what to do.

- Oh, yeah, you didn't hear it from us.

- I have the weirdest boner.

- I saw you die.

How can you be alive?

- I guess it's just a bad day for drug-dealing terrorists

and a good day for... Kickpuncher.

- All right, guys, you hear that pause

right after he says, "and a good day"?

What do you got for me there?

- And a good day for a nutritious breakfast.

- I don't get it.

- It's a good day for a terrible movie.

- A good day for hair products.

- Oh, buzz, how many times can you keep going to that well?

Come on, guys.

I'm starting to wonder if you even deserve

to call yourselves a community college sketch comedy troupe.

I told you, on movie night,

I need to blow these punks out of the water.

I need Phyllis Diller-grade stuff.

- Wouldn't you rather just watch a movie

with your friends and have a good time?

- What are you, my third wife's therapist?

- What if he said, "it's a good day for..."

And you said, "for being gay"?

- [Laughing]

You're a genius.

- He likes gay jokes.

- What? - I said we write great jokes.

- Don't flatter yourselves.

- Whoa.

Hey...

Annie.

It's me, Troy.

- Oh, I don't know where abed is.

I could try calling him if you want.

- Nah, I'm not looking for my other half.

I'm looking for you, girl.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

Let that sink in for a second.

You know, I never noticed how...

Beautiful you are.

- Troy, you're being weird.

- Sorry it took me so long.

They made me find a shirt.

- Vaughn, you remember Troy.

Um, we went to High school together,

and he's in my study group.

- Hey, what's up, man? Hi, bro.

- [Laughs] I'm not your bro...

Bro.

- Oh, actually, everyone is my bro

in the whole entire universe,

you know, because everything's connected...

rocks, eagles, hats.

- Yeah, well some things are more connected than others,

like tarantulas and me peeing my pants...

Or me and Annie. - What? Wait.

Troy, what? - Tell him.

Tell him that you've been in love with me since High school.

- What?

Wait a minute. Is that true, mountain flower?

- No.

I mean...

I never want to lie to you,

so I will tell you I did have feelings for him,

but it's over, I swear.

- You're swearing?

Like Britta swore that she didn't like Jeff

and then gave him a copy of my poem

so he could laugh at me with that Sherri Shepherd Lady?

Oh, it's happening again.

Your study group is evil.

And you don't deserve ice cream.

- [Gasps]

- [Inhales sharply]

Well, he's a baby.

Now, where were we?

- I like him. Why would you do that?

- Come on.

Everybody knows you want a cut of the t-bone steak.

Jeff and Britta told me how you feel.

- Wait, Jeff and Britta did what, now?

- Oh, you're even hotter when you're angry.

Let's do this.

Red shoe diaries...

I think you know I have a thing for butt stuff.

- To Annie's inevitable breakup with Grodie j. McConaughey.

- And to her and Troy.

We did the right thing. They belong together.

Plus, their babies will be so cute.

- Why would you say that? - Come on.

You know that babies are extra cute

when their parents are...

- Both cute?

- Do you want kids? - We'll see.

Put on something nice, and find me after lunch.

- Hey, guys, thanks for getting involved in my love life.

That was super cool and mature of you.

Oh, and since you're both clearly idiots,

I should probably let you know that I'm being sarcastic.

- Hey, guys, thanks for taking ugly Annie

out of the palm of my hand

and turning her into yet another hottie

that will never get with me!

- Hey, guys, thanks for eating all the macaroni!

- Shut up, Leonard.

Nobody even knows what you're talking about.

I did eat all the macaroni.

It's messed up that he knows.

- let's light this candle.

Who's ready for some kickpunching?

- Actually, we decided to watch runaway instead.

Tom selleck fights mechanical spiders.

- What? No, no, you can't do that.

We just watched kickpuncher. We have to see kickpuncher 2.

I have so many unanswered questions.

- No, I want to watch tom Selleck

fight mechanical spiders.

- Yes. - Me too.

- My brother died on the set of that movie.

One of the mechanical spiders just went haywire

and tore him to pieces.

Tom Selleck just stood there.

He just stood there and... and watched him die.

- Okay, then let... let's watch kickpuncher 2, then.

- Yeah. Okay. - I'm sorry for your loss, man.

- I'm sorry, Pierce. - Yeah, that's messed up, dude.

[Music swells on television]

- kiCkpuncher 2.

- My punches were only as strong as my punches,

and then things changed.

- Change? Time to change the channel.

This guy's gonna be begging for change,

he keeps making movies this bad.

They should change this movie to something good.

I wish this crap-apillar

would change into a butterfly and fly away.

That's change we can believe in.

- Okay, obviously something strange is happening here.

- What do you mean?

I'm making jokes during the movie.

- Yeah, but you're doing it with the speed

and the determination of the incomparable Robin Williams.

- Yeah. - Maybe I'm just that brilliant.

- I think you came prepared.

- Dude, even I know you're lame,

and I'm a tenured professor sitting in a beanbag chair.

- You're not a professor.

- Shut up, man.

- Fine! You got me.

I did a little advance work. Pathetic?

No, I'll tell you what's pathetic...

you all sitting there making fun of other people's work.

You don't feel good about yourselves,

so you have to tear down everything around you.

What's the matter? Mama Chang didn't breast-feed?

- She read in a book that it wouldn't make a difference.

- You all sicken me!

And I will no longer participate

in your destructive, negative behavior.

- Pierce, that was deep

and total BS

- Yeah, this isn't about us.

This is just a deflection because you can't get

a genuine laugh. - Mm-hmm.

- That in itself is a laugh.

I know I'm funny.

I don't need any of you people to validate me.

- Mm. - Mm.

- Oh! Oh!

[Crash] [Laughter]

- Biggest laugh of the night.

[Laughter]

Then I was gonna say, "it's a good day to be gay."

[Troy laughs]

- Annie...

We're sorry.

We were worried about your well-being.

- I guess we feel like we're sort of all a family,

and Jeff and I are like your Greendale parents.

- You're not my mom, Britta.

She would never wear boots that go up that High.

And what about respecting me as an adult and as a friend?

- Oh, you want to be treated as an adult and a friend?

Try not dating your friend's ex-boyfriend.

Find your own man. - Oh, my.

- Oh, boy.

- But you don't like Vaughn.

- No, I don't, but I also don't like seeing him

with anyone else. Ta-da!

- I asked you if you cared, and you said no.

- Fine. I cared. I'm a girlie-girl.

I like boys, and I don't like it when they're mean to me,

and I don't like it when they stop kissing me

and start kissing my friends.

I'm not that cool. I'm not Juno, okay, homeslice?

- This is what it was about for you?

You were jealous?

- Oh, please, you can't tell me

that you weren't jealous that Vaughn had his hippie hands

all over your debate/make-out partner.

- What are you insinuating?

I took that kiss for the team.

- What?

Yeah, that kiss wasn't for pleasure.

It was strategic and joyless. - What?

Yeah.

- You did get weirdly specific

when you were describing Annie's body.

- More specific than the stuff you told me about Britta?

Both: What?

- Does anyone get specific about me?

- Check your email.

- I'll mark you as spam.

- Who the hell is Pam?

- When you guys first came in,

we were as wholesome and healthy

as the family in the Brady bunch.

And now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous

as the cast of the Brady bunch.

- I agree with abed. This is getting creepy.

- No more creepy than when Jeff wears tight jeans

and you say, "I'd like to slap

those buns on the grill." both: What?

- First of all, I don't talk like that,

and second of all, where I'm from,

it's perfectly normal for women

to talk about their male friends' backsides.

And you don't see me saying anything crazy

about abed and Troy's weird little relationship.

Both: They're just jealous.

- All right, all right, maybe we're not a family.

Maybe it's more complicated, because unlike a real family,

there's nothing to stop any one of us

from looking at any of the others

as a sexual prospect.

- [Gasps]

- Why are we even talking about this?

- Because you started having sex with Britta's ex-boyfriend.

- What? We haven't even kissed.

- That doesn't mean you're not having sex.

- Vaughn told me he would take things

as slowly as I wanted.

He likes me for who I am, and I like him.

[Distant singing and guitar playing]

- Do you guys hear that?

[Singing and guitar playing continues]

* *

- Annie. - Vaughn.

- Britta.

- Hi. - Old man river.

- Eat me.

- Did you get my messages?

- No.

I threw my phone into the river.

I thought that, you know, if I can't be with her,

who am I gonna call?

And then I thought, you know,

well, my landlord, my sister,

and...

You.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching,

and, uh, this is something I really need to say.

* *

* I see you when you smile *

* and I want to sing a song *

* but then I write the words *

* and they always come out wrong *

* they come out wrong *

* I feel it in my fingers *

* I feel it in my toes *

* but then the words get frozen *

* in my mouth like Eskimos *

* I like your nose *

* ooh ooh ooh *

* ooh *

* Annie *

* ooh ooh ooh *

* ooh *

* Annie's song *

- his songs are dumber than he is.

- Yeah, but they're honest.

- Okay.

[Giggles]

Vaughn wants to show me a cloud that looks like a Pumpkin...

If that's okay.

- Annie, it's more than okay.

Please date Vaughn.

- Or anyone else outside this creepy circle.

- I wouldn't hang out with you guys

if you were creepy.

Trust me.

I have good taste.

- So just to be clear, I don't have a shot

with any of you?

- [robotic voice] I am kickpuncher.

My cyber punch have the power of kicks.

[Imitates robot noises]

[Kick/punch sound effect] - Agh!

Aha. Oh!

Oh!

[Chuckles]

[Both groan]

I am Punchkicker.

Meet your match.

[Thud, warbling]

[Electricity crackling]

[Moans]

I love you, kickpuncher.

- The only thing beyond the reach of my fists

is humanity.

[Normal voice] You're sure Britta couldn't do your part?

- I asked her. She wasn't available.

Let's go film the sex scene.

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