Original subtitles

Bin Chickens. What am I doing here?

Cane Toads. Hello!

Redbacks. We've never...haven't won yet!

I think they're worried we're gonna leave.

It does strike me that all our houses are named after pests.

Which makes sense when I think about any comedian, really.

But so far, these gorgeous pests

have proven themselves highly capable students.

Oh, what? (YELLING)

What?! Oh!

We're halfway through the term

and so far, the Cane Toads are flying high.

We need to beat the Cane Toads.

The Redbacks think about us but we still don't think about them.

But there's still a long way to go.

It's still intact, right?

Six comedians are about to get schooled.

I reckon we'll be good at art.

If it's nude, fingers crossed for Hughesy.

DAVE: Why, did you do the nipples?

I'm Principal Julia Morris.

Welcome to Class Clowns.

(MELODRAMATIC MUSIC)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Good morning, students.

We have physics and art to get through today,

so please find your way to the classroom.

Well, good morning, students. Hello.

Another bright and perfect day ahead of us.

I only did science up until year 10.

That's pretty selfish,

because you could be curing diseases right now

but you just went, "Eh, someone else can do that."

No. But who'd be sitting here?

As a 40-year-old woman in a school outfit.

That's true.

So we all do our bit.

Today is very much another day -

another day to compete, another day to learn,

another day for me to watch you guys excel.

Let's get into show and tell, I think.

Today, I'd like to have a little look back

at some of the artworks that you guys created in your school days.

Let's start with...uh, Bron - there's a lovely, lovely picture of yours.

Let's take a look.

(LAUGHTER) DAVE: Oh, wow.

I forgot about this.

I mean, I did only do it last week but...

(LAUGHTER)

MATT: Well, you've written, "Me, me, me, me, me."

Well, I'm a middle child. OK.

Five kids. Wow.

Five human beings to look after is a lot of people.

Yeah, well, I mean, this isn't about Mum.

It's about me. (LAUGHTER)

Bron, did you always want to be a redhead?

Were you a redhead at school? Uh, no. I was not. Um...

But Bronwyn has a red-headed soul, as evidenced by this picture.

You could be on our team if you wanted.

No, no, no. No, no, no. You can't... There's the pure-bloods.

Yes, obviously. The real...the real ones.

The real deal.

Like, I'm... We're in the...

It's me and Ed Sheeran and Nicole Kidman and then there's...

And then everyone else. Oh.

And then Bron would be like... NINA: Whoa!

She'd be the... Whoa!

It's a dyed hair. It's different. Yes.

I think it's an absolutely spectacular picture.

Of course, paintings aren't the only things our students are doing.

Sculpture has been on the menu for one of our students.

Let's have a look.

Little Bin Chicken... Oh!

Wow. Wait - so, are we...

Are we moving into a papier mache area?

I don't know. Maybe I, like... His face is kind of messed-up.

Maybe I, like, practised kissing on it. I don't know.

I like how you placed his hand on your leg.

You flirty little minx!

I... Look, he's a handsome boy.

I can't deny that.

Were you not allowed screen time?

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you.

I do feel like I've got to know you a little bit better. Well done.

I myself attended a careers market, if you will,

and I wanted to share with you one of my pictures.

Grade 6. STUDENTS: Oh!

Wow. Whoa.

"Why must the skirt be a strait jacket?"

Girls can be pilots. Yeah!

Girls can be mechanics. Girls can be electricians.

They can be builders and they can also be 'plumers'.

(LAUGHTER)

And I honestly thought that my future would be in pluming,

'cause I'm mad for a feather - just a little tickle.

(LAUGHTER)

I'll tell you what really upsets me, though -

it's the green ribbons.

They do not go with an orange dress

and I find that very upsetting.

(LAUGHTER)

Guys, it's very, very good today

to know that you have some gifts with your arts,

so I'm looking forward to getting today under way.

Our very first lesson today puts the 'PH' in 'fun'.

(GASPS) It's physics.

No!

I love physics, because physics is all the things

and physics includes black holes.

If I was put in a physics class,

I would hope that a black hole would appear.

Matt, were you good at physics?

That's physics. BRON: Did you see that?

Did you see that? He hit both of us.

I was just trying to show physics in action.

I don't know anything, really, about physics

but I know it's the law of... matter and...

This. Physics.

Let's get our schooling started, guys.

This first question comes from the year 5 curriculum.

That's not grade 5.

I don't know. What?

Grade 5s don't know that word.

I think so. I don't know that word.

Let's see those chalkboards, students.

Oh! OK.

Three terrific answers.

Bin Chickens say it's the fulcrum.

'Scale' is what our Cane Toads are thinking.

Scale - it's that weight... you know, bearing situation.

Did you dig back into your own private physics annals

to see if you could really think about what that was?

No, I dug back into last weekend,

when I was at the playground with my six-year-old daughter...

Love it.

..and almost sent her launching into the bush.

Even after three attempts, you still couldn't get her in there?

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, she's got a tight grip.

And the lever is what our Redbacks are thinking...

Oh! Lever could be it.

..for a seesaw.

The correct answer

is lever.

Oh! Can't believe it.

Wow. Right?

I use it when my, um, lesbian friends are in bad relationships.

I'm like, "Lever!"

(LAUGHTER)

Alright, guys. Are we ready for a year 8 question?

Why DO my legs look so small underwater?

I don't know. I have no idea. Distortion.

I'm just gonna... Why would you...

What if we just say 'distortion'?

I think that's the only word I can think of.

It's the only one we can do.

Alright. Let's get ready to put our chalkboards up.

We have 'forced perspective' here from the Bin Chickens.

We have the 'refraction' of light here at Cane Toads

and we have the 'distortion' with the Redbacks.

The correct answer

is refraction.

Oh, wow. Oh, my god! That was me!

Well done, Becky.

Becky, I love that you found that back in your annals.

Oh, no, she didn't go that far down.

(LAUGHTER)

Alright. This question is a year 12 question.

(WHISPERING)

Feeling...

What's the... But does it disintegrate?

No. I think...I think you're right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's write it. Yeah.

Is that actually... Do you actually think that is it?

Yes. Great!

Then I am happy... I think.

Alright, students. Let's see your answers.

Bin Chickens - 'vacuum'.

I want to say, Cane Toads, that is pronounced, 'su-PINE'.

Uh, Redbacks, 'spaghettification'.

Yes. Alright.

(LAUGHS)

Would you talk me through 'spaghettification'?

Well, when you're near a black hole, which I don't recommend...

Yeah, right.

..your...part of you will stay at the...

I think it's called the event horizon

and the other part of you

will slowly get sucked into the black hole,

so you get stretched out - you get spaghettified.

(LAUGHTER)

It's time to reveal the correct answer, guys.

Spaghettification.

Oh, my god! There is no way you know the answers to this.

BRON: OK. MATT: There is no way!

He gave up his holidays to learn this!

I am beyond impressed.

Oooh, Redbacks!

Alright. It is now time for our physics practical exam.

I don't know what you guys would get us to do in physics.

Can we dak people on this show? That's physics.

If you'll open up the drawers in your desk,

I have put a little egg friend in there.

(GASPS) Ooh!

Each team has been given an egg

and an identical collection of crafty materials.

Each team has 15 minutes to construct a safe and secure vehicle

for your egg.

Eggs will be placed inside the vehicles

and dropped from the second-storey window.

If the egg cracks,

that's a failure.

But if the egg survives, that team takes home maximum points.

Let's get cracking.

Uh, you...you may eggs-it.

So, an egg's being thrown off a building.

Yeah. But we don't want that egg to crack.

To...crack. What are we gonna do?

Got an idea. Yep.

And I think it's... I think it's straws.

Do you think we should parachute it?

I feel like there's... Or paper-plane it?

Oh, yeah. I feel like...

Oh, god! This is going to land.

You are great at making planes. You should be working for Boeing.

Look, that wasn't great...

So, I think it's a suspension structure...

OK.

..and then within that, the egg hangs.

Should...should we call him something first?

What about Yolkie?

That's cute. Alright.

I was thinking 'Eggward'. Eggward's good.

We need a name for our egg.

Oh - Amelia Egghart.

Amelia Egghart! Yeah, yeah.

The egg pilot. God, you... That was quick!

That's why she's on the big bucks. I'd say I'm on the small bucks.

I think the bucks are the same. I think the bucks are the same.

I think you're on the biggest bucks, actually.

I mean, I've got some good super but I've worked hard for it.

BRON: Have you done this before? Yes - but it wasn't an egg.

It was, uh...

my newborn son and the elevator was broken.

Right. If we make a sort of...apparatus...

Mmm. Can't you make an origami balloon?

I can. I can! Or, like, an origami...

Oh, my god!

And from this, we need to attach straws.

Oh, if we tie it around... Yes.

Oh, you're a genius! No...

Bron, if you're the one who drops it,

I need you to make sure you land it exactly on one of the straws.

You know what? Bring back plastic straws, 'cause these are shit.

I hope the turtles are worth it, guys.

I reckon two feathers.

Where's he gonna sit? Like, on top of them?

I think I've got something really good here.

That's looking pretty good!

All we can rely on is them having worse ones than that.

Amelia Egghart.

OK. OK. OK.

Oh, my god. What is that?

What do I know about physics?

I know that M plus B

equals W.

That's 'win'.

Welcome back, lovely students.

Ready to launch? Hell, yeah.

Are you happy with your assignment?

We thought there'd be more straws.

Oh, the straw struggle is real.

I feel like the magnificent vehicle we have created for...

Amelia Egghart.

Ah! It's the name of our egg.

MATT: Wow. BRON: You know she never came back.

Right. She knows that.

She knows if the mission fails, she's not coming back.

She signed up for it. That's hit me emotionally.

Tell me, Cane Toads, how confident are you feeling?

We're a bit nervous. Right.

Yolkie actually asked for a little bit of support,

so we invited Mrs Yolkie along.

I love that. Mrs Yolkie.

I hope your eggs do not have a fear of heights,

because up here,

all of you will be launching at that open window.

Whoa. Cane Toads, you are up first.

Can I just have a quick moment to say goodbye?

He's so cute.

Aww, nothing's gonna happen to you, little Yolkie.

BRON: Ewww, smothering her. That's gross.

MATT: Oh, OK. Here we go. Hey. We're ready.

Yolkie.

We only knew him for a few minutes

but the relationship we built up with him in that time

was really important.

Hey. Hey, girl.

Oh, my god. Hi!

Hi, Yolkie!

Oh, my god. Mrs Yolkie, do you want to look? "Yes!"

NINA: Is it gonna be a Romeo and Juliet situation?

What light from yonder protein breaks?

Yeah. (LAUGHS) Alright, Becky.

In three...

Oh!

..two,

one.

Oh... (CRACK!)

Oh, Yolkie! (SOBS)

DAVE: Over.

Turn her around, you monster!

Yeah! She doesn't need to see this.

RIP, Yolkie.

I'm sorry, love. I'm sorry. Fully.

(WAILS)

We call him Scrambie now.

Alright. Redbacks, make your way upstairs to the flight deck.

I'm not even gonna say goodbye,

'cause I think Eggward's gonna be fine.

Eggward is...

an entrepreneur, philanthropist.

He's also got a podcast that's very progressive.

I wish I was religious.

Um...it's gonna be great, Bron.

Yeah, I'm not worried. I think the straws will save it.

I'm just pretty keen for lunch at this point, so...yeah.

Good luck, guys.

Three...

..two,

one.

(NINA LAUGHS)

It's still intact, right?

(FLIES BUZZING)

Straws didn't save it.

I think, at recess, we will be serving omelette.

(LAUGHTER)

At least I can use the straws to suck it up, I suppose.

(LAUGHS)

We are two teams into our eggs.

Amelia Earhart, I know, is anxious to take the air.

Oh, my god. Hello!

Here she is. Good luck to Amelia.

Any final words before Amelia takes to the sky?

Fly strong. You are woman. You are free.

Fly out...to your destiny.

I mean, even I feel encouraged to take off.

Alright - on five, four, three, two, one.

Launch!

Ooh!

LUKE: Did it work? DAVE: Did it work? I can't see.

MATT: Oh, my god! DAVE: Has it worked?

Inspection. Stand by. It's cracked. It's cracked.

Oh! There's no yolk out!

She's living! NINA: Amelia!

It's a broken egg. She's alive!

She's alive!

Guys, because she has, uh, retained her integrity...

..she survives.

She's alive! MATT: Oh, my god.

No, fair call. Half points.

Yes!

Whenever I'm thinking I'm not a worthy person,

I'll remember that moment.

We kept the egg safe. Yeah. I am worthy.

Guys, for the physics practical,

everyone did a great job and put lots of work into it

but today's gold star

for winning the overall physics assignment...

..is the Bin Chickens.

Oh. Just come on up here, guys.

We are so happy with our second gold-star win.

Yeah. Like, two gold stars.

Two, yeah. Two stars.

Just like my Melbourne Comedy Festival review.

After recess, we have art.

Hope you've packed your smocks.

Class dismissed. Enjoy your recess.

Thank you, Miss Morris. Bye, Miss.

Thank you, Principal. Goodness me.

That is...eugh!

Do we have to report that to anyone?

Second gold star!

NINA AND DAVE: Yeah.

I think that might have been the highlight of my life.

What do you guys have for lunch?

LUKE: Eggward. You've got egg sandwiches!

Oh! Oh, man!

LUKE: I can see bits of our, um, contraption in there too.

(LAUGHS)

Are you feeling confident about art, which we've got next?

My son's art teacher doesn't think I'm funny, so that's good.

MATT: How do you know that?

DAVE: 'Cause he told me. Oh, my god!

MATT: That seems like unnecessary feedback.

It's the only information he brought back for the year.

My art teacher didn't believe in me and you know what?

Maybe art teachers and me don't get along.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Ooh, whoa.

Are you good at art? I'm OK at art.

I used to draw a lot of Ninja Turtles when I was younger

and I'm gonna use that skill today.

We're really hoping the task is to draw Ninja Turtles.

Oh, please!

Oh! Oh, my god. Oh! Whoo-hoo!

Wow. Good afternoon, students.

Welcome to art class.

My artistic style is birthed from my core.

I let it vomit out of me,

like a two-day-old kebab.

We're not in drama anymore. Sorry.

In this assignment,

you guys will be working in pairs to paint the best portrait.

But you won't be working at the same time.

This is a portrait relay.

Every time I ring the bell,

the person painting must hand their paint brush to their team mate,

so they can take over.

Everybody contributes equally.

It won't just be me judging your work today.

Please say hello to internationally acclaimed Australian artist

Richard Bell.

Oh, wow. I know, right?

Wow.

Hello. Richard!

How wonderful to see you, my friend.

Richard Bell is one of Australia's best artists.

I would say he's Australia's best artist.

Richard, what will you be looking for in this assignment?

Oh, lots of red. Yes.

Um, if there's an animal in it, yes.

How do you feel about redbacks?

Oh, you can... You can... You love that?

You're an artist - you can do whatever you like.

That's exactly correct. You won't get arrested.

(LAUGHTER)

Today, my lovely students, Richard and I will be judging you

based on your teamwork,

your creativity

and your technical skill

but first, Bin Chickens,

you won the gold star,

so you get to choose a team to receive a disadvantage.

Well...

I feel like we chose the Cane Toads before...

LUKE: And choose them again.

NINA: Yeah. It seemed like a pretty good idea at the time.

Yeah. Well, if it's not broke, don't fix it, so, yep. Cane Toads.

You're kidding me! What?!

You're joking.

Like, the first one made sense, you know?

OK. We gave you one. You're gonna give us one.

Now again? This means war.

Alright.

My lovely Cane Toads, your disadvantage

is that you can only paint with your non-dominant hands.

Oh, that's awesome.

I'm going to give you an oven mitt to put on the other hand. Alright.

Guys, in today's assignment,

you are going to be painting a portrait of the school's muse -

or 'a-muse' -

me.

But I just want to double-check -

do I have consent from everybody to take this off?

Oh, if it's nude, fingers crossed for Hughesy.

Cool. Absolutely.

Is that alright? Yeah? It's level.

Whoo-whoo!

That's right. Um, so that's pretty much how...

Oh! Come on!

Paint brushes at the ready.

Oh, man. Can we still paint you naked?

Oh, absolutely.

(RINGS BELL) And, artists, brushes up.

Brushes to canvas. Good luck.

Matt, are you serious right now? Yeah, why? What?

Your level of detail is incredible.

'Cause I figure, if we start with a strong base...

Of course, don't forget you do have Richard nearby

if there were any questions you have, artistically.

DAVE: How old were you when you went full-time with the brush?

33. Yeah.

You had experience already and you were ready to put it on canvas.

How do you make brown? Uh, brown is...

Just all of them? Brown - red and black.

Red and black. OK.

NINA: I'm gonna do boobs.

DAVE: Yeah, you do the boobs. I can't do the boobs.

It's a legal thing.

Hasn't stopped you before.

I want them up like skin earrings. (LAUGHS)

I'll start stretching. Getting ready to take in. (GRUNTS)

Alright. Time to change artists.

Alright. Where should I start?

NINA: Can you get the red and can you paint the chair?

Yeah, I can paint the chair. Alright.

If I make a mistake, do I just paint over it with white?

I could teach you but I'd have to charge.

(LAUGHS)

More red? What about her lips? Oh, god!

I think throw yourself into the lips.

Hughesy doesn't have artistic skills.

No! Right.

Is that not where her mouth is?

But what Hughesy is good at is letting Nina do everything.

And Nina's really talented at a lot of stuff.

Yeah, she's good at so many things!

Aaah! Likeable, popular... Bleaugh!

Get a smaller brush. A tiny brush.

Don't you have a smaller brush? No, mate. I'm a big-brush guy.

Oh, damn. Broad strokes.

Sweet little Cane Toads... MATT: We're struggling.

I found it really, really hard to paint with my left hand.

This is unfair! Sweaty hand!

Oh, Becky is vandalising our work.

That's artistic. Artists.

What? No, don't. Do not!

Let's have a change.

I'm gonna go big. I'm gonna go back to big.

Faster, children. Could she be in an ocean?

Oh, that's good. Floating around? Yes. Here we go.

Luke, are you getting some wonderful advice from Richard?

Uh, yes. Mostly financial advice.

(LAUGHS)

Could you make the lips juicer? NINA: OK.

But don't make her look like a clown!

MATT: Wow. OK.

Wow. Do you see where I'm going? Yes!

Should we put a bin chicken in there?

Oh, now we're talkin'!

Oh, that's a good bin chicken!

(RINGS BELL) That's time up, guys.

DAVE: Oh... Done?

MATT: Oh, no! That means brushes down.

Yes. That's better after...

Good. That's good.

Alright, my lovely students.

Oh, I'm really excited to see your art.

Tell you what, our mighty Bin Chickens,

I would really like to see your work first.

Oh, wow.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)

I mean, talk me through or walk me through it.

We decided to paint you like one of our French girls.

Yes.

With, like, full abs and... You also have nipple piercings.

You could just knock to see if I'm home.

Richard, can I ask you about this work?

What exactly do you like about it?

Well, the chair, of course, is my favourite bit.

That was, like, the one thing you did.

I know. And I did everything else!

It was genius, obviously.

What on earth could they improve?

Well, it's an absence of yellow.

Ah! Yeah.

Richard, is this a sort of painting

you would like to have hanging in your own private home?

Oh, definitely. Thank... Well, what?

There's no bigger compliment you could get from a genius.

An artist!

That he wants to stare at you all day.

I don't want to stare at it. How dare you, Richard?

What's not to look at?

(LAUGHTER) Alright. Up next.

Cane Toads, you had the disadvantage.

Yeah. Thanks, guys. Totally.

Oh, I'm really excited to see your art.

(HEROIC MUSIC)

Richard, uh...from an artist's perspective,

what are your thoughts, sir?

It looks a bit like the body of a...

..a cow, or something.

Yeah, people don't say to me, "Be mine."

They say to me, "Bo-vine."

(LAUGHS)

Really, the fact that, Richard, they attempted this artwork,

with the less-dominant hand...

Yeah. It's not quite Mr Squiggle, though, is it?

Yeah, maybe that is. Maybe it is Mr Squiggle.

Does it look... Oh, it looks so much better!

Oh! Look what it is now!

Yes, exactly. Beautiful work.

Congratulations, Cane Toads. That was incredible.

NINA: That was great. Alright.

Up next, the mighty Redbacks.

Do I think we're going to beat the other teams?

Yes. Yep.

How about our palate cleanser? Best till last.

Oh, wow. That's...

Um...this piece - wow.

Allow us to walk you through it.

Sun, shining down directly onto your halo.

Now, you'll notice you're on a body of water here.

Yes. It's rough.

Yes! But you...you don't care.

Richard, what are your thoughts?

Well, this is the most colourful. Yes.

Yeah, um, I kind of dig the water.

I love the water.

Guys, you've done such a fantastic job today.

LUKE: Thank you. Um, I mean, Richard, gosh.

I'm blown away.

I'm worried about the commissions that are gonna come in

and take these guys out of the comedy circuit.

(LAUGHTER) Wonderful job today.

But final report card is when we'll find out our results.

I get so nervous at report card time.

BECKY: Today was a tough day. Like our egg.

This is the first time I've felt cracks emerge in the Cane Toads.

I mean, even the Redbacks could win...

And that's saying something. Oh, my god!

Imagine if that happens. The shame! Yeah.

I'm embarrassed to say I care. I care so much.

I didn't care at school, ever.

This show's supposed to be funny but I just want to win.

Yeah.

Welcome back, my lovely students.

Hello.

What an extraordinary day of learning.

What I really do want to talk about is the scores in physics.

After Yolkie left Mrs Yolkie a widow...

Aaarrgh!

..the Cane Toads could only manage 1 house point.

1 out of 10?

Redbacks, gosh.

A formidable effort from the Redbacks in the quiz

meant that they scored a 4.

But after Amelia Egghart's incredible flight...

She's alive! Oh!

..the Bin Chickens took out the gold star, with the 5 house points.

We'll take it, the win. We'll take it.

In the afternoon, we were tremendously pleasured by art.

You can be pleasured by art. Yeah. I was pleasured by the art.

Alright. Cane Toads, what I got to see is you guys really play.

I felt like you really enjoyed yourselves.

Even with the oven-glove thing that was holding you back,

you still did an incredible job.

Cane Toads, Richard said your portrait reminded him of an animal.

It looks a bit like the body of a cow, or something.

You guys got 7,

which brought your total to 8 points for this episode.

Well done.

Bin Chickens.

Richard said he liked your chair

and he felt that you could have incorporated

just a whisper more yellow.

You guys scored 6, which brings your total to 11 points.

Ooh, it's enough.

Redbacks.

Bron, how do you feel like your artistry has improved

since your early work?

I felt more comfortable painting you.

Oh!

I mean, if we had more time, I would have done even the top bits -

"I love JM" - things like that.

Richard said that yours was the most colourful.

This is the most colourful.

Redbacks,

in the greatest redemption story in the history of Class Clowns...

What have they done? Have the done it?

..you guys got 9 points,

bringing your total to 13.

Yeah! They've done it.

Which means the Redbacks...

This feels good.

..you guys are the winners of today's merit certificates

and I'm incredibly proud to hand them over.

Well done. You've earnt it today.

Please come up and join me here on the platform.

Bron, magnificent work. Luke. Fantastic today, you guys.

I could finally call my parents, if we got along better.

But, uh, they'll never know.

Guys, great effort from everybody today.

Let's see how this has affected the current house standings.

Oh!

Cane Toads.

Hanging on to a slender lead,

just ahead of the Bin Chickens.

But of course, it's still anybody's game.

Do not lose hope, guys.

Every school day is a different day

and until then, class dismissed.

BECKY AND LUKE: Thank you, Principal Morris.

MATT: See you. DAVE: Well done, guys. Enjoy it.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0