Original subtitles

♪ I'm a little boy, I'm a little boy, I'm a little boy

♪ I'm a little boy blue

♪ I'm a little boy, I'm a little boy, I'm a little boy

♪ I'm a little boy blue

♪ Are you a little girl, you a little girl You a little girl

♪ You a little girl true?

♪ I am so lethal green little... springs

♪ I can't pass

♪ Kind of lonely and filled with our...

♪ Are you a little girl, you a little girl You a little girl

♪ You a little girl true?

♪ 'Cause I'm a little boy, I'm a little boy I'm a little boy

♪ I'm a little boy true

Come on!

♪ I'm a little boy blue ♪

Yeah! (CHEERING)

Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks, man.

You've been a wonderful crowd. Uh...

Well, uh, we're, uh, Jose

and, uh, the Borges!

Thank you.

(MOUTHING)

Oh, and... (CLEARS THROAT) Happy birthday,

Emerson.

Over here, pal.

Okay, they don't care.

All right.

MAN: Jose.

Uh, no, I'm good. You should probably put those in a cup

or something, you know?

'Cause I don't know what the protocol is exactly.

BAND MEMBER: The cable's better than at the Tiffany, fuckers.

(sums)

Hey! Good job!

KATE: Violet, don't take Emerson's cake, honey. Apologize.

Hey, man, you sounded good.

(COUGHING) Okay. Okay.

It's okay. It's all right.

(CHUCKLING) Is that a new one or is that the same one or...

No, it's a new one. Yeah.

You guys sounded so great.

Didn't they? Really, yes.

Don't you miss it, buddy?

Well, I do.

Really? You want to play for little...

Well, it's similar to playing to drunks.

I guess that's true.

Oh, my God, how are you guys?

I feel like it's been forever since we've seen you.

Well, we finally settled on a honeymoon.

Hey! Oh, my God! Where?

Well, it was between kidnapping and hijacking.

I chose kidnapping.

Mexico.

You can't drive to Hawaii, apparently.

So now we just have to figure out what we're doing for his 40th.

No, I think we discussed that.

I'm going to blow my head off right after cake.

Oh, so you're doing that this year.

You're not gonna go to Santa Barbara?

No, I was gonna blow my head off in Santa Barbara.

So, yes, but I thought this year

we should do a party, too, right?

Yes, you should!

GABE: You gotta have a party. Come on. Listen.

Wait a minute. Isn't your birthday like, the day before Violet's?

The day after, yes.

You guys, we should totally do a joint party.

Sorry? (GASPS) Yes!

Like a cradle to the grave theme.

Yes, exactly!

No, it would be so cute.

Yes!

Besides, you don't have that many friends, right, Jose?

That's right, Kate, I don't have that many friends.

Oh, my God, and you guys should play.

Ever since I started repping Lil' Vegan,

I know all these music industry people.

That would be so great.

JOSE: All right, let me think about this.

Can Gabe play with us?

Sure. (SCOFFS)

Why not? "'51" “ one sis. Right?

JOSE: (CHUCKLES) Oh, buddy.

Honey, you feeling all right? Yes, I'm all right.

DUSTY: All right. Well, then, it's settled.

Yeah, you got your party. I did.

Hey, what do you say we go get some...

You guys want to get some real lunch or...

Oh, you know what, we would,

but we got to go to another party, a friend of Fred's.

Fred is... Fred has friends? DUSTY: He's so adorable.

I don't know.

MAN 1: I don't know, man. MAN 2: This goes first, this goes first.

I think this is a sign of things to come, and it's not looking good.

Yeah, Dusty's pulling some Yoko shit.

Oh, God.

Did that thing work?

I don't know. My neck kind of feels better,

but now my fucking armpits are killing me.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, no.

Ah, God, this is a disaster.

What, you guys sounded great.

Honey, I just sang a song about my mother leaving me

with my suicidal father for two years

while she banged her way through Kathmandu

to a bunch of four-year-olds who think it's about a tiny little sheep herder.

I want to smoke.No you don't.

You're doing so good.

Six hundred more gigs like this,

I can finally get you a ring.

Honey, just get me a Cracker Jack ring. I told you, I don't care.

I do.

(MAN COUGHS)

DUSTY: Well, you know what, maybe if you guys

didn't sing the old Borges stuff...

JOSE: No, no, no, no, no.

And you wrote some new stuff for the kids...

No. No. No... It wouldn't feel like such a violation.

No. No.

I just can't write songs about sissy and Bamm-Bamms and binkies.

I just can't do it.

It's fortuitous enough that my songs are about stunted adults.

EMERSON: Excuse me, sir.

(LAUGHS)

What is it, little man?

You're good at playing. Thanks for coming to my big boy party.

Oh, you're very welcome and I hope you have a very good big boy year.

Okay, We-

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Jeez! Are you okay?

Yeah. No, I'm good. Let's go.

REPORTER: (ON RAND) In Mexico today, six severed heads

were reunited with their bodies

when officials discovered the heads

over 30 miles from where their bodies were recovered

nearly two years ago.

Another gruesome chapter in the seemingly

infinite Mexican... (CHANGES STATION)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

JOSE: You know, it's not too late to change our minds.

DUSTY: Yeah, actually it is.

I bought it with coupons. JOSE: Coupons?

DUSTY: Mmm-hmm.

(CHUCKLES) It's barely Mexico, it's Baja.

It's like we're driving to San Diego.

It's gonna be fine.

JOSE: So steep.

It's good exercise.

(GROANS)

I miss the old apartment, honey.

You hated the old apartment.

Is that right?

Yeah. Okay.

JOSE: Good for the gluts. Mmm-hmm.

DUSTY: Hey, that was really nice of Kate to offer

to host your party and have the band play, huh?

JOSE: That was really nice, yeah.

They seem beat though, huh?

I mean, like, more than usual.

DUSTY: I didn't notice.

Really? Honey, Gabe is aging in dog years.

I thought he looked great.

See now, how can I trust you to assess my own decay?

You think everybody looks great.

I don't. Yes, you do.

No, I don't. Honey.

(GASPS) I'm kidding. You're a very, very,

very handsome, ugly...

Oh, I heard this study on NPR

that if you don't have kids you're gonna effectively suspend your age.

Beautiful and lonely, sounds great.

Where are my Breathe Right?

They didn't seem stir-crazy to you?

How can you seem stir-crazy in a park?

(SNAPS FINGERS) Exactly.

That's right, how can you seem stir-crazy at a park?

And yet somehow they've managed to achieve this.

I think it's sweet. Their little life with

park parties and nesting at home.

I don't know if that's nesting so much as it is Stockholm Syndrome.

You know they wanted to move to Tokyo, right?

What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They were gonna do that house swap thing.

Before the kids were born.

But then they ended up with a dud UvaDisc.

Oh.

We use UvaDisc.

(CLEARS THROAT)

What? Japan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Japan, Japan.

Kate is an obsessive Japanophile.

She never talks about it 'cause it's too depressing.

I don't know, maybe we should use

a cervical cap or something.

Yeah, if you want to use it as a butt plug.

Wow.

(CLEARS THROAT)

It's depressing.

I mean, you know, Kate used to be an attorney

for homeless veterans.

Now she's got to represent little miniature white vegetarian rappers.

Just so they, you know, they can maintain their overhead

and remodel that Gray Gardens backyard of theirs.

So doing well is a curse and being broke is a curse.

Uh, yeah, that's right. Okay.

Oh, shit.

You know, I still think it would be really nice

to go away for your birthday.

Just, you know, maybe we go to Santa Barbara on the actual day.

Santa Barbara on the actual day?

Yeah.

Well, let me think about it,

uh, in song.

(STRUMMING)

You know you're supposed to wind down before bed, not up.

Honey, I took like 11 Ambien. I'll be dead in two minutes.

Santa Barbara.

Right, Santa Barbara. Um...

Okay, Santa Barbara. Focus.

Honey, I... (EXHALES)

I just don't want to be anywhere when I turn

four... You know... The thing.

Look, we're going to Mexico, right? Mmm-hmm.

That's good. We're gonna go to Mexico right after the arraignment.

And then... Wedding.

Well, I know. It's in a court so it's really more like an arraignment.

You didn't want a big wedding. I'm gonna kill you!

I wanted a huge wedding.

I wanted a massive wedding.

Great, let's do it.

I want a gigantic wedding.

With thousands of...

With just thousands of family members.

Okay. I want a huge wedding.

DUSTY: Ow! What is that?

JOSE: What, what, what? That burning?

Honey, it's my sports rub.

Oh, got to warn me.

Assume it's always on.

Ugh.

(sums)

Jesus Christ.

Pillows everywhere.

Cute.

E-mail from the PTA.

PTA?

You're not...

No, God forbid.

Okay, okay, I was just... You're safe.

Because that'd be a funny way to find out, you know?

No, I signed up for the Friends of Balboa

elementary school mailing list.

Honey, don't you think that's a little premature?

I mean, we're not even married yet.

No, but we're gonna be and I thought it'd be good

to get involved in the neighborhood.

I mean, that's why you moved to Glendale, right, for the services?

(CHUCKLES) No, that was for the interminably

long commute back into civilization.

Oh.

Oh, Jesus!

What?

This is so gross.

What?

They sent me a link to a sex crimes registry app.

(FINGERS SLIDING ON STRINGS)

Ugh.

There's an app for that?

Yeah, apparently.

What are you doing?

(STAMMERING) No, no, no, honey, don't.

You're downloading? You don't want to download that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, give it. Stop it. Honey...

You don't 'cause then your phone gets filled with smut

and then you get, uh...

(GASPS) "iPervert would like to use your real location."

"Allow?" Yes, allow. No, don't allow. Honey, don't allow.

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa. You really don't want to allow.

Hey, calm down on the Ambien. You're gonna pee in the closet again.

I mean, you don't... Edward Snowden.

What? Stop, will you quit it?

What... Babe.

I'm feeling a little, uh, woozy.

Um, maybe from the... Go get a snack.

(STAMMERS) Yeah, I...

No. Well, could you get me a slice of cheese?

I have an idea.

Would you like some cheese? No, thank you.

You don't want to share some cheese with me?

No. Are you sure?

(CHUCKLES) No, but I'm thinking...

You don't want any cheese?

You know, we could have like a fondue party, all '70s-style.

I already brushed my teeth. Going once.

No, thank you. All right.

We can invite our friends over. We get weird.

Things could get weird. You are getting weird.

Okay, I'm gonna get some cheese. Okay.

Okay, we're the blue dot.

JOSE: You cool on cheese? Yep.

Ugh!

(GROANS)

(BEEPS) (GASPS)

You want some cheese?

Your mom's mom left your mom's dad

right after she was born, right?

Hmm.

And your grandfather refused to ever

mention your grandmother's name

and your mom spent her entire adult life looking for her.

Is that right?

Mmm-hmm. That's right. Mmm-hmm.

And then when she found her, she learned that her biological father

was actually some mariachi guy in Mexico

that her mom had a one night stand with

and so you

re-christened or de-Jewished yourself

Jose.

That's right. Mmm.

Gramps as it turned out

wasn't Gramps. It was some guy named Lupe.

And that's the story, that's why you changed your name?

Yeah, I mean, it's a true story. (CLEARS THROAT)

It's the story of Jose Stern.

Or is it the story of Joseph Stern,

the rapist?

I swear to God...

(GROANS)

Oh, fuck. Whoa.

(EXHALES)

Hey. (G ROANS) Honey.

Honey, no, no. (KNOCKING)

Sweetie-kins.

Hey, you got to open the...

Come on, sweetie, I'm fucked up, man.

Don't call me man.

I'm so hip I even call my girlfriend man.

I'm your fiancée!

It's from a Dave Frishberg tune. I played you that record.

How much Ambien did you take?

I took some Ambien.

That's what I, you know... I was trying to tell you. This is just...

This is not...

Maybe, not the best time for this.

Yeah, well, maybe you should have thought of that

when you were doing the raping.

Hey, I didn't do the raping.

That's not how you say it.

Come on, man! Listen, the whole Jose thing,

that's a real thing, man.

I needed street cred and the Borges and, man...

And I found out I was an eighth homey and so, you know.

I'm a homey. I'm an eighth homey. Okay, okay, okay.

You're Mexican.

Unlike Borges, that's actually Argentinian, but whatever.

It was a three-week summer fling, you know?

Okay, I was 18, she was 17.

I mean, we were the same age basically.

You know, I mean, and let me tell you a little something, man.

This girl knew her way around the, uh...

I don't know, the rodeo ring, if you know what I'm talking about.

Ew! Listen, listen,

the point is... The point is...

Holy shit.

The door is breathing.

Is the door breathing on your side?

No. Okay.

Look, sweetie, sweetie...

I just wanted to get laid, that's all.

I just wanted to lose my virginity. Okay?

But the thing is, honey,

she fell in love with me.

Because guys like me, they don't just go and...

They can't just get laid.

You know, they have to write poems and songs,

so I wrote her these songs.

Her name was Gia. It was like...

♪ Gia ♪

(VOCALIZING)

I can't do it right now.

But the point is, is that she fell in love.

And she tells her father, and her father freaks out

because he thinks she's a virgin.

Which is crazy, because if you saw

the build on this girl, it's just not...

Virginity was not an option for this girl, okay?

The dad... Honey, you listening?

The dad turns out to be a sheriff's deputy.

Okay?

And now I'm in an app!

Okay.

Fine.

Why didn't you tell me this sooner?

I don't know.

Because I...

I was embarrassed, I guess.

You know, I think between seeing my mommy naked

like way too much as a child

and my father's facts of life talk consisting of

palming me with a strip of his old rubbers like he was tipping a

bellhop. What?

Sick shit, right? I mean, this guy didn't even give me his...

I'm coming. It's the stairs.

You got a house with too many stairs.

I mean, seriously, honey, they weren't even reservoir tip.

I mean, they were like vintage

1950 father condoms.

I didn't mean, "What? Please repeat,"

or "What? Please free associate."

I've heard these stories.

Okay.

Got... Check.

Oh, okay. So what?

So you lied to me because your parents have sex organs

and because your dad is awkward?

I'm saying that it was a very difficult...

1970s were a difficult era for a young man

and his mother.

I think that if you were to think about.

Generation X it would be

less about the letter X

and more about it maybe being E-X...

Children from, uh, broken...

I'm saying

that maybe it's

not that big of a deal?

That's what you're going with?

You're a registered sex offender, but it's no big deal.

Given my options, I guess that's what I'm going with.

Listen, it's not, you know...

(STAMMERS)

I'm Tier 2.

I don't know if you're familiar with the... No.

Oh, okay. Well, it's not so bad.

Really, it's not great... It's not optimal, okay?

But in three years, I can unregister.

Oh, good!

Come on! It's not like I was some old man

luring kids into my underground dungeon.

You're a children's musician, Jose!

Jesus, why didn't you at least stop me from doing that?

(STUTTERS) I've tried!

I've been super passive-aggressive about it!

But

you kept making T-shirts!

(sum-nus)

(BLINDS OPENING) (GRUNTS)

(JOSE GROANS)

(GROANS)

(sum-nus)

JOSE: "Tsipar..."

Tupac Chopra? I have no...

Fucked up neighbors, man.

Glendale, I don't understand.

You always had this, didn't you?

This

secret was like a ripcord.

You didn't want any of this.

Uh...

(INHALES DEEPLY)

You finally have a good out.

Take it.

♪ You're breakin' my heart

♪ You're tearin' it apart So fuck you

♪ You won't boogaloo Run down to Tramps

♪ Have a dance or two, ooh!

♪ You're breakin' my heart

♪ You're tearin' it apart

♪ ...but fuck you ♪

♪ One is the loneliest number

♪ One is the loneliest

♪ One is the loneliest number That you'll ever do ♪

♪ Then

♪ Then you drifted away

(SOBBING)

♪ When I awoke I found out I'd been dreaming

♪ Some of my bed clothes were still on the floor

♪ I looked around Realized you were leaving... ♪

KATE: How good Dusty was for him

and how he provided her with a kind of creative caliber.

Yeah, that's what you said,

but you obviously went into some sort of alpha state

when I responded with the occasional skepticism.

KATE: Really, Gabe, an alpha state?

Honey, don't call me Gabe.

KATE: Why? That's your name, Gabe.

Yeah, but you know what, I think sometimes you just...

Guys. Guys. Guys. Violet, knife! Guys!

Oh, Jesus, oh, Violet.

Violet, get away from your brother. You're gonna stab him.

Violet! Oh!

Time-out box. (SIGHING)

There's a time-out box?

What, like a hockey player?

Way to keep an eye on them, babe.

Oh. Right.

I'm a terrible father and you're mother of the year.

I didn't say that. I just...

No, I mean... No, you didn't say it.

Maybe you could put your guitar away for two seconds

when your child is attacking...

And one's standing in the kitchen.

I guess I just feel that since...

(COUGHS) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Oh, my God, are you okay?

I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. I just needed your attention back.

And should I ever actually be choking, I'm going to do this.

So there's no confusion.

(LAUGHING) Jesus.

Look, ever since I met her, right...

Ever since the day that we met, everybody was like,

"Fucked up Jose found the perfect woman."

Yes.

(GABE AND JOSE LAUGH)

I guess I'm just saying that...

(SIGHS)

That I don't... Who knows who's perfect for what.

I spent so much time counting everybody else's blessings,

I don't know that I ever had the opportunity to count them for myself.

Maybe now you'll have some objectivity.

Isn't that... Maybe that's what's happening.

Okay, so look, Jose... Look, no, no, no, no.

I think she's gonna call. They always come back.

No, yeah, I know, they always come back, we always split up.

I mean, isn't it possible that some people are just meant to be miserable

lonely, old, childless and alone living with you?

(LAUGHS HEARTILY)

Oh, no, are you gonna like...

Are you gonna screen all her calls? Like you did with Sophie

and Uli and Penny and...

Yes, yes. Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

Because... And block her e-mails.

Because it provides an emotional firewall.

Facebook? No, we were never Facebook friends.

Precisely in case this ever happened, I forbade it.

Besides, it provides like a clear line in the sand, you know?

I mean, this way she doesn't get hurt

any more and I have clarity, you know.

I think it's important just that there be clarity, you know.

Yeah, but I thought that you had clarity with her.

I think...

I think maybe I had her clarity.

I don't know. It's unclear.

I lack clarity on the issue.

I mean, she... I mean, look, let's not forget something.

She packed my bags.

Mmm-hmm.

She packed my bags. (CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

She packed a sleeping man's bags.

That's like a Howlin' Wolf tune, man.

I mean, how about a little, you know, "Hey, fuck her."

You know, "Fuck her."

Frog. Frog. Oh.

Where?

No, we say "frog".

We say "frog" because of the...

Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it.

There's children. Look.

Honey, you're supposed to be in time-out.

Violet did a bad thing.

Honey, honey. Say,

"I did a bad thing." (REPEATS)

What happened?

No. Yeah.

No, no, Violet! Not again! (GABE SIGHS)

Go with Mommy.

KATE: Get in here, Violet, right now!

(STAMMERS) What'd the little dickens do?

She has been number one-ing in our bed since Fred was born.

Sweet Linda Blair.

I'm so sorry.

Okay? Hey, honey, you got this one?

You know, it's poker night at Mickey's.

Oh, no, no, pal, I think it may be a little too soon for the schadenfreude.

No, no. Come on, it'll be good for you. We got to get out.

KATE: Go, just go. I have to do my video Pilates.

So what she's saying? Yeah.

KATE: I'll make up your couch, Jose. Okay. Okay. Okay.

♪ Jams

♪ I, I, I

♪ I wanna

♪ I wanna kick 'em out ♪

What's with the...

When'd you...

When'd you start smoking again?

What do you mean? I have one occasionally.

All right.

It looks like a fun way to smoke.

Hey, listen, um... (CLEAR THROAT) When do you have to

re-register for the rape thing?

(SCOFFS) I can't stay anywhere longer than two weeks.

Okay. 'Cause obviously, you know, with the kids

and the neighbors and Violet's party...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, that's my party, too, buddy.

I'm gonna be a big boy this year. All right? (GABE LAUGHS)

I know. Don't worry, don't worry.

Two weeks and I'll be staying in a hostel.

Not a youth hostel.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(PLAYING MERRY TUNE)

♪ I like cheddar ♪ I like brie

♪ I like you ♪ I like me

♪ Let's get together and talk about the weather

♪ Come on, get cheesy with me ♪

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh.

Oh, stop. All right.Get that.

JOSE: For ten minutes, I've been knocking. Ten minutes.

MICKEY: Hey, Lawrence, peephole, peephole!

Always.

It is people.

It's these people.

Hey.

Oh, okay. All right.

(PLAYS SAD TUNE)

(MOCK SNIFFLING)

Thanks.

Thanks. Thank you.

Hi, I'm Lawrence.

Lawrence, it's Gabe.

We grew up together.

Gabe, what's happened? Something's different.

GABE: Yeah, yeah, I have white hair.

You know, I have kids. It's like being president.

Oh, Gabe, oh, you look great, man.

Thanks. Nice to see you.

I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

That's all right. You're gonna...

I think you just need a little time and then you'll be...

LAWRENCE: A lot of love in this room. Gabe.

Long time, long time. Mickey, how you doing?

I'm excited. Lawrence, get the lock.

Bolt lock, top and bottom. I got a little problem with an admirer.

Have a seat.

For medicinal purposes.

"Songs by which a quarantined heart laments, Volume 4."

I'm running out of songs for you.

I know, I know. I appreciate the effort.

Thanks, man. LAWRENCE: Sorry, Jose.

I liked her.

Her soul didn't seem as black as the others.

Hmm.

Hey, divorcing Linda was the best thing that ever happened to us, man.

Thank you, Gus. MICKEY: Not for her wallet.

A guy's got to make a living somehow.

Welcome back, buddy. Welcome back.

Yeah, great to be back.

JAKE: There's plenty of good meat out there.

You're just gonna have to lie about your age now.

(CHUCKLES) Jesus.

MICKEY: Speaking of good meat... Oh!

Wait until you see this.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Looks like an abortion in a pot.

JOSE: David Cronenberg's toilet.

Korean menudo.

I saw them play Fresno back in '82.

(LAUGHTER)

Is that an eyeball? Mmm-hmm.

I got the recipe from this oriental joint

that I reviewed a couple weeks ago.

Oriental, really?

Asian, Asian, Asian!

You know, idiot, you can call something oriental, like a rug.

I'm an idiot.

GUS: Jose,

I had a very vivid dream.

(STAMMERS) What was it, Gus?

GUS: Oh, the dream? Yeah.

Oh, I dreamt that Dusty caught you with a teenage girl

and you tried to tell her that you and Dusty were both Mormons

and that the girl was just a sister wife.

Well, you know, honestly, though, not far off.

When did you have that dream, Gus?

Last week.

That's sort of prescient, really.

All that acid's made him prescient.

Is that right? Sort of.

Me? Just... (WHISTLES) Nothing. Flat.

(SHUFFLES CARDS)

GABE: What're you working on over there, Jake?

The world isn't ready.

The world isn't ready.

All right, the name of the game is Texas hold 'em.

Fuck that. It's not televised. Straight poker.

Dealer's choice, buddy.

(EXHALES)

Is it three cards or two?

GABE: Every fucking time he does it.

I want to play this game, but I don't know how to play it.

Will you please teach me, Daddy, because I'm... (VOCALIZING)

You know, I hear you.

Yeah, I know. I said it audibly.

You think it's permanent, Joe?

Don't call me that, please.

You're not Mexican. I'm an eighth.

Okay.

I have to make a confession to you.

To all of you, actually. JOSE: Okay.

I, uh, may have...

Murdered somebody.

No, I may have accidentally Facebook friended Penny.

(EXHALES) Oh, my god.

Why would you do that?

To be fair, she requested me first

and I always thought we had nice conversations.

We would talk about Faust.

Yeah, because she's the devil. You get it?

I mean, you understand that she broke up with me via text

literally while engorged by her choreographer

while she was on the road. I mean, it's not a joke.

I think, uh, she's been sober almost a year.

Oh! Almost. A record.

LAWRENCE: Yeah, that's right.

And well, I think she misses you.

So I thought I'd, you know, run it by you

just to see if you were, I don't know, interested.

All right.

No, that's totally appropriate of you to have done that.

Um, maybe you should ask her out.

Really?

No. No! What is wrong... No!

It's like me...

GABE: I'm sure Dusty'll call, Jose.

No, no, no.

I can't do that back and forth thing with Dusty.

No, he needs clarity. I need clarity.

MICKEY: What the hell happened to AltaVista?

(LAUGHS) Did you say AltaVista?

Yeah. All right, fuck poker.

We're watching a LaserDisc.

Every time. Right.

Why don't you just call it LaserDisc night?

Kings of the Road.

Poison Ivy?

MICKEY: I got some good titles here. GABE: What's that one?

MICKEY: I got Jose's biopic, Repulsion.

Oh, here we go. It's got your name written all over it.

Holocaust.

You're not laughing.

Are you okay?

You want me to call her for you? No.

Are you sure? No.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

DUSTY: This song is beautiful.

Who is it?

JOSE: Bridget St John's her name. She's a '70s folky.

She's still around, though.

DUSTY: It's really nice.

My friend, Jake, he makes me these tapes off of his old records.

(BABY SQUEALING)

What is it, Violet?

Violet did a bad thing.

KATE: Violet, would you get in here, please?

Gabe, I thought you had them.

GABE: Hey, what do you want from me? I got to get dressed, too.

Just 'cause I don't work in an office

doesn't mean I don't have to wear clothes!

KATE: No, shit.

By the way, you have to cut the carrots the other way.

GABE: What, length-wise?

Yes, otherwise they're a choking hazard.

GABE: This is Mommy and Daddy's bedroom.

KATE: Where are my keys?

Oh. GABE: I'm disciplining our child, okay?

Kate, are these...

Oh. Yes, thank you. Sorry.

Oh, you know, Penny used to do that third-person thing that Violet's doing

when she drank.

I know, we remember. We're terrified.

Your mom called. She's in Syria.

She said your cell phone is F-U-C-K'd.

Why didn't you tell her about Dusty?

"She's the best thing that ever happened to you."

She's gonna call you when she gets to Istanbul.

Have a great day.

Fred, I love you. Goodbye.

Have a good day.

Remember, no peanut butter.

(DOOR CLOSES) Me?

Violet.

Why can't Violet have peanut butter?

GABE: (SHOUTING) Why do you think?

(HICCUPS)

(JOSE EXHALES)

Good. Okay.

This is good.

No!

Oh! Jesus God!

♪ Mary had a little man

♪ His speech was made of gold

♪ And everywhere she went

♪ Well, you know where she goes

♪ When it rains It's what we're reaching for what...

♪ Life, life has turned inside out All is blind

♪ Just got to be what you want to

♪ Just got to leave if you have to

♪ 'Cause you got to be (MIC MALFUNCTIONING)

♪ What you want to

♪ Go your own way, let it... ♪

Hey. What's up with...

Mia's out!

Mia's out! Guys.

Mia's out, guys.

(MUSIC STOPS)

What the fuck! (ECHOES)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Fuck.

Fuck.

All right, now it works. Now the mic works.

Fuck.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

(SIGHING)

(HORN HONKING)

Mmm-hmm.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Hey, um, could you just... Could you hand me that?

♪ Fasten your seatbelt... ♪

(SNEEZES)

Come on. Other way.

Keep it in the other direction. I'm sorry, my fault.

My fault.

You know, I used to rock out with my cock out.

I know you did. I know you did.

Literally. 1990 Arts Festival. It was... (WHISTLES) It was out.

Totally expelled, straight to rehab.

Yeah. Now you rock out with your Crocs out.

(CHUCKLES) FRED: Cock.

GABE: Oh!

A doodle-doo. GABE: Shh.

JOSE: A doodle-doe, buddy.

Nice save. Thank you.

Man, I hope the stepmother isn't there, man.

Isn't she always there?

Yeah, she's constantly swimming.

She's always swimming. Swimming, diving. Swirling.

(SIGHS) This is mortifying.

Hey, she's living off the same dole as you are.

I know. Which one is it?

It's just... GABE: Is it up here?

Yeah. Well, you can pull over here in the...

Like here?

But I mean, I'm doing the right thing, right?

This one? Yeah, right here.

I mean, this moving on, I mean, this is the right... Right?

Yeah. Yeah. Clarity's a good thing.

I was just thinking I thought Dusty would call by now.

Ah, she'll call. Yeah. But whatever.

I mean, frog her, right?

Frog her, okay?

You're Tier 2, man.

Yeah, I'm Tier 2. I'm Tier...

It's like pissing on a fire hydrant.

Okay. All right. Don't worry about it.

Okay. You got it.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Jose! How are you? Summer!

Hi, how are you... Oh. Hey, how you doing?

Good to see you.

Good to see you. Come in.

REPORTER: And kidnapping at the hands of rivaling cartels

in the Mexican state of Michoacén.

SUMMER: Hey, do you want an A.P.?

JOSE: Sorry, what?

SUMMER: It's an Arnold Palmer.

It's like iced tea and lemonade. Yeah, no. I know what it is.

I didn't realize you could... abbreviate it. Anyway.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, uh, where's your dad?

He's your dad, too.

Well, he's really more your dad.

Uh, he went out.

He went to get some Orangina

and I asked for some bananas. (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh! Oh, but he wanted to give you this.

Oh. It's a fist bump.

I know what...

I'm familiar with that. Okay.

Kind of weird. Uh... (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

What...

Did you...

Where...

Where am I?

Did you add a floor or something?

Yes, isn't it amazing?

Yeah, no, it's totally amazing.

My show went into syndication so I gave Mom and Dad the go-ahead to like,

you know, break the piggy bank.

That's magnanimous of you.

Hi, Sue Ellen. Oh.

Hi.

Okay.

Hates me.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, oh, boy. (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, man, it is nice here.

Oh, my God, so nice, right? Really nice.

Hold on just a second. Yeah.

REPORTER: (ON TV) ...children and harvesting their organs.

Amazing.

Hmm? What is?

Out here on the deck.

Oh. Yeah, no.

Sorry, I thought 'cause you were looking at the phone,

I thought maybe...

No, I can chew gum and look at art at the same time.

(CHUCKLES) No, I wasn't suggesting otherwise.

Um, so, what the hell, man, how you been, Summer? (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

You look great.

What is that? What?

What, what? Come on.

Come on, what?

Can't a half-brother visit his half-sister, you know, without...

Look, I didn't just like fall off the ice cream truck or whatever, you know.

I don't want you to feel like you can't come to me in a crisis.

Okay. Thank you. Okay. (SPLASHING)

Here's my... But I'm...

I'm not an ATM, you know?

I'm your sister who loves you.

(STAMMERS) No, and I you.

What?

I love you.

Oh, okay, that's good.

Okay. Yeah. Um...

Yeah. It's just that my car,

my car, Summer... (CHUCKLES)

(SPLASHING) It's just like... I think it's...

(WHISTLES) You know?

Yeah, it's just...

Okay.

If I could just get like first and last.

You know, I think I could probably cobble something together.

Well, what about the bookstore?

I'm sorry?

You could go back to that, right? Your...

Yeah, the bookstore. Um...

Who's your friend? Uh, Lawrence. He gave me Lolita.

Does he still work there? Oh, God, that's disturbing.

Uh, yeah, yeah, he still works there ever since

he dropped out of Harvard 22 years ago.

And I think he was just promoted to register.

Oh! Oh! Genius, genius!

Do you have a YouTube channel, Jose Stern?

Uh...

Well, the Borges have videos up there. Is that what you mean?

No, no, no, like a channel. Like a YouTube channel.

Uh-huh. Right?

So if you think about it, this whole place

was built off my old YouTube channel.

Without the makeup tutorials... Yeah.

I never would have gotten my own show.

There literally would be no Totally Bonkers.

And we would be falling through the air right now

because there would be no deck here.

(CHUCKLES) That's funny.

Um, yeah, uh, okay. So you're...

I'm sorry. So you're suggesting I do makeup tutorials or...

Um, well, maybe not that 'cause it's kind of my thing, but...

Hey, what about your instruments?

Don't you have, like, a lot of really old

instruments and you can sell them.

They're probably, like, worth some money, right, because they're old?

Yeah, no, they're old and they're worth something, but I just can't...

And that's not...

Hmm.Mmm-mmm. What?

No, Summer, I can't, I can't. I can't sell my gear.

Why? Just because I can't.

Okay, you know my song, Hugs and LOLs?

Mmm-hmm.

Okay. So that whole song was made on a computer. No instruments.

Wow. That's good. No, I know people do that.

That's just not really my, like...

Like I'm not a big MIDI guy.

What is a MIDI?

MIDI, well, it's how you made your song

without instruments, basically.

No, no. I said I used the computer.

I did it on the computer. No instruments.

(GULPS)

No, I know. You're right. Um...

(SIGHS) I guess...

Here's the thing, Summer.

My car is just like, at this point, is a planter.

Oh, it doesn't work? Right.

Why doesn't it work?

(EXHALES)

It just doesn't work. Okay.

I'm really sorry about that. That's terrible.

Yeah, if there's any way I could just...

Look. Jose, you're my brother,

I'm here for you, and I love you. Mmm-hmm.

And if you need to springboard for spitballs,

I'm your girl. That's me.

But I feel like it's not healthy for either of us,

if I just keep lending you money, you know,

because you don't really have a clear path.

You know, you have your whole life in front of you.

Maybe not your whole life.

But I really think you should try and focus on finding a good path.

All right. Right. Yeah. (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Ah, amazing.

What is?

Oh, my friend just wrote, "Amazing." I was just reading it.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(SPANISH SPOKEN ON TV)

(SPANISH SONG PLAYING)

WOMAN: (ON TV) Do you ever wonder what it would be like

to wake up to discover that the world is your oyster?

Come to Mexico and find out.

Take a dip in the pool

and discover what's waiting for you just beneath the surface.

Mexico, where all the strangers are perfect.

There's no better time of year than right now.

Here at Mexico where your memories are waiting.

Call now for amazing offers

or visit us online at www.cometomexicorightnow... (TURNS TV OFF)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

(CONTINUES VIBRATING)

PENNY: I'm glad you picked up the phone.

Yeah, I am, too.

It's good to see you.

Yeah, I was surprised.

What happened to your whole, "All exes are dead to me

"and never pick up the phone"?

You didn't read the statute of limitations clause?

Lawrence didn't Facebook you that?

No, I missed that.

Yeah, well, after four years, I pick up the phone.

You know, maybe if you kept it in your pants, who knows?

It was really awful what I did to you.

It was. Yeah.

I'm sorry.

No, it's all right.

That point in my life, it was all dance,

and I was on the road, all these old demons coming out.

All these old choreographers.

Oh, God, he was so old. Oh, God.

He had the most fucked up feet

you've ever seen in the history of the world.

Really, 'cause I was really...

Just picture gnarled tree roots.

Gnarled... No, I don't want to. No.

Okay. Probably for the best. Yeah.

Yeah, thanks. Yeah, I think so.

My therapist said that I was in a fugue state

so I basically fucked you over from a dream

if that's any consolation to you at all.

Really. Thank you.

Fugue state? Was this a certified therapist or a...

Mainly a cat psychic, but...

Okay. Yeah.

Dabbled in human psychology.

Okay, well, then, there you go.

But let's get real. I mean, we were together for four years.

You were never gonna propose.

You don't know that.

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS)

You don't know that. Okay.

Well, what happened with the latest one? Daisy was her name?

Dusty. Dusty.

We actually were engaged.

You were? With, like, a ring and everything?

I mean, I was saving up for the ring 'cause, you know, yeah.

So, I'm sorry, I'm just having a hard time picturing this.

Were you on bended knee?

I was... Um...

Uh, not exactly. I was lying down, as it turns out.

Yeah. Okay, so it was our third anniversary,

and Mickey was staying with us.

He was... You remember Mickey, right? Okay.

And he was, like, hiding out from this ex-Marine,

like, psycho brother of this girl

that he'd picked up at Rockaway Records

who was like kind of a little shy of 18.

PENNY: Ah, classic Mickey.

Yeah, they fell in love over a Steve and Eydie record.

Ah! Well, then in his defense, I mean,

it was safe to assume she was at least 50. Yeah, exactly.

It's heavy. It's heavy. You don't seem to understand.

No, I understand. I hate hockey.

Why couldn't he play badminton?

Okay. All right. All right. (GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

What's wrong? JOSE: I can't... It's just my neck, it's just my neck.

Okay. Okay, what can we do?

Oh. I just...

(GASPS)

What?

Oh, God.

(STAMMERING) I think I'm having a stroke.

A what? A stroke? PENNY: A stroke?

Yeah, I don't know. It just came to me.

Kate's Pilates instructor just had a stroke

a week before, and I had stroke on the brain.

So to speak. Right, so to speak.

Well, you know, you did start to develop neck problems

when we'd been together for about three years.

No. I always had... I always had neck... Really?

No. I always had neck issues.

Okay.

Okay, anyway, so the EMTs arrived, right?

I think you guys are gonna have to shave him.

Shut up. Listen.

(STAMMERING)

(EXHALES)

Hey, we'll get through this.

You just have a bad neck.

No, no, no. No, I read it could be arterial.

Listen, come closer.

If I get through this, I think we...

So dizzy.

He's proposing.

Really?

Okay. JOSE: Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Let's go.

PENNY: So basically, Mickey proposed to her.

Congratulations.

Yeah, whatever, look, I've been thinking a lot about this, okay?

And I think maybe I'm a free spirit.

You? JOSE: Yeah.

Have you even left town since 9/11?

Yeah, Santa Barbara. Look, listen to me.

I think maybe I'm a free spirit

and I'm just really bad at it. Yeah.

I guess that could be true. Yeah.

You just need practice at it.

Yeah.

But if that is the case, then you're kind of

out to dinner with the wrong gal

'cause these days, I'm...

Right, Lawrence told me that you're...

Yeah, sober.

Wow. A year.

A year. Hey, you know, good for you, right?

Thanks.

You still have daddy issues, is that right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay, good. All right.

Well, in that case, to a year.

Oh. To coconut water.

Mother of Christ, really?

Oh! Penny and Mark, it's so good to see you kids together again.

Hi, Elsie. Hi, Elsie.

Who the fuck is Mark?

Oh, never mind.

Seriously. Table that.

Oh, Jesus.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, you have been record shopping, huh?

Good taste, Penny.

Gotta hand it to you.

PENNY: Ow! (CAT YOWLS)

You... Everything all right up there? PENNY: Uh-huh.

Okay.

PENNY: This fucking cat.

Look at this. Look at you, Penny.

You still got my little baby guitar I got you.

PENNY: Hmm.

Oh.

You ever play it?

(STRUMS OUT-OF-TUNE CHORD)

(CHUCKLES) Not recently.

Oh, wow!

Sweet Norma Desmond.

(LAUGHS)

Well, that is definitely something more...

Is that more comfortable or...

PENNY: Oh.

(STAMMERS) She's very, very comfortable.

Oh, shit. You...

Shh. Shh.

Okay. Okay. Just shush.

Shh. Quiet nights, Jose.

Quiet nights and quiet stars.

That's not coconut water, is it?

(LAUGHING) Oh.

She is having a tiny little bit of sake.

She's having a carafe, I think, is what she's having of sake.

So that wasn't, uh, coconut water at the restaurant, was it?

PENNY: Uh-oh!

JOSE: Uh-oh.

You should... Shh.

Okay. Yup. I should...

You should be a little quiet.

Okay.

I miss this guitar. Yeah.

I really, I really, really miss this guitar. Jesus.

Yeah, I... Really.

I miss you missing it. I really miss the guitar.

Well, it's the end of that suit. (LAUGHING)

Wow. Jesus.

So, Penny, uh, I'm just, I guess I'm maybe just unclear.

You remember how we were talking earlier about... Mmm-hmm.

You had said you were so... I mean, aren't you in the program or...

(GRUNTING)

Fine! Fine! I always said... Yeah.

What does he want from her?

What does he even want from her?

Uh... Uh...

Oh, God, Almighty,

please grant me the serenity to be fully engorged

by this Mexican, Jewish-Mexican beard Jew

by the time she counts to cock.

I didn't know you could count to cock.

Oh, she can count to cock.

She can, yeah. And balls.

She's really good at math, huh?

♪ Penny, it's common sense

♪ If you're worth your weight, you'll repent

♪ Penny, I miss your scent

♪ Just come back to me 'cause I'm spent ♪

(BANGS)

Oh, that can't be a good sign.

MICKEY: Holy shit!

JOSE: Indoor voice.

Wife. Seriously. Shh.

Yeah. I know she's radiant. I'm angry about it.

Spay that cat right there? Come on now.

Excuse me. Hi. We have an emergency here.

Can we see somebody please, right away?

Oh, yeah, sorry. What do we got?

No, we want her.

God. I'm sorry. Okay, no, it's fine.

You know, we get that a lot. JOSE: Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, Dr. Morrison, these gentlemen seem to have found a wounded bird.

Oh, no. Okay. Can you tell me what happened? JOSE: Yeah.

Well, he just...

Yeah, my very sensitive friend here was playing acoustic guitar,

and this little critter flew into the window.

Jose, being a little squeamish, you know how artists are,

he, uh, called in the big guns.

I came and I rescued the situation which I usually do.

♪ ...looked down and sang a song to me

♪ Of how it began

(VOCALIZING)

♪ The trout in the shiny brook

3 Gave the worm another look

♪ And told me not to worry about my life

(VOCALIZING)

♪ Tree in my own backyard stands all alone

♪ Bears fruit for me and it tastes so good

♪ Where's my pretty bird?

KATE: Violet. Come on, we've got to go to school, honey. Let's go.

♪ If I keep singing he'll' come back someday

Bye, Jose.

Bye, Violet. Have fun at school.

♪ Dawn, bird's still gone Guess I'll go mow the lawn

♪ What a day, what a day

♪ Ooh, what a beautiful day this is ♪

(PIANO PLAYING)

I just couldn't do it, you know?

Well, it's probably for the best that you didn't.

No, I know.

She was so beautiful last night, my God.

Mmm-hmm.

JOSE: But I'm not... I'm really not even sure

it's legal when she's like that.

You're not sure what's legal?

Hey, how about a bathroom break, big guy?

But I don't have to go. You never know.

(GROANS)

JOSE: Oh, buddy.

(sums)

What are you doing tonight?

I don't know. I was actually thinking that maybe.

Dusty was right and I should try

and write some children's songs.

There's a lot of money in that.

No, I know, I know.

Or just frog it and sell the Gibson '79.

Wait, is that the stereo amp with the separate trem and reverb...

Oh, hey, hey. Fuck. Ouch.

Yeah, and it's at the house.

You're going back to the house? What happened to clarity?

I have clarity.

I just don't have first and last on an apartment.

MICKEY: Lawrence, cut it out. LAWRENCE: The ceiling is collapsing on me.

MICKEY: Stop playing with the ceiling.

LAWRENCE: Why don't you get it fixed?

MICKEY: I pin it, it falls.

JOSE: Not too close, all right?

MICKEY: Yeah, yeah, not my first stake-out.

JOSE: It's not a stake-out.

LAWRENCE: Isn't that Dusty's car?

MICKEY: Now it's a stake-out.

JOSE: Jesus Christ, what is she doing?

God, she must have changed her shift.

Fuck, I need that amp.

Uh-huh.

I need it. It's first and last, okay? It's a vintage amp.

It's worth a lot. It's in very... I have clarity.

MICKEY: Just be a man and march up there and get your amp. Come on.

You know what, don't give me that "be a man" bullshit, okay?

It has no effect on me because I'm not a man, and I have no...

I don't care. It's an empty...

(JOSE SIGHS)

It's a partial Mexican standoff.

Fine.

Hey! Tell her it's for a gig at the Bowl.

You want me to Facebook her?

Dusty?

Yeah.

Facebook her, what do you mean?

That can mean anything. Many things.

Just do a little recon.

No, I don't want you to do any recon. I don't want you... No recon.

Okay? I want my amp and I wanna move on, okay?

And that's it.

Did you give my half-sister a copy of Lolita?

I may have given her some Nabokov. I'm not exactly sure which...

Yeah. Okay.

One it was. That's great.

Who the fuck... Who's that? Wait, is that a TV?

No, it's Dr. Steve.

Dr. Steve, the guy from... Dusty's vet.

Oh, they have the amp. JOSE: What the fuck...

MICKEY: Does that work on humans?

DR. STEVE: Yeah, you could try chewing on a bully stick.

If you don't want to go to the dentist...

JOSE: Why are they coming over? Jesus Christ!

What the fuck are they doing? You can try chewing on a bone.

A bully stick? A bully stick, it's like a bone.

I can get those at a pet store? Yeah, sure.

And it's okay for humans?

Yeah, why not?

(CLEARS THROAT) Hey, man! How are ya? How are ya?

Hey, Jose, how you doing, buddy? Good.

MICKEY: Let me get that door. Let me...

All right, I'll grab it. You got it?

Yeah, I got this. All right.

MICKEY: Thanks, that's great. Oh, yeah.

(STAMMERS) Hey, what... Dr. Bob. Hey.

How about you just call me Bob?

Hey, Bob, how you doing, man?

Great, great. Yeah. Good, good. Good.

DR. STEVE: Hi. How's it going?

DR. STEVE: Great. How are ya? JOSE: How you doing, man?

Good. I'm really good. Yeah. JOSE: Good. Good.

AHH fight.

MICKEY: Thank you so much. It's a real pleasure. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no sweat, Mickey.

You guys have a peaceful night. Okay, man, you too.

All right, thanks. All right. It was good to see you, man. You be well.

Bully stick. DR. STEVE: Yeah, the bully stick.

MICKEY: I'll look for one of those bully sticks.

You're always complaining that you've never been with a black.

What? A black?

A black woman! Jesus Christ, a black woman.

A black woman. What do you think I meant, a black man?

Shut up!

♪ There could never be... ♪

MICKEY: I don't know.

Dude, what you mean, you don't know? You didn't ask him?

I was blinded by his charm, okay?

I mean, I was like literally putty.

I mean, that guy is so charming, you forget how handsome he is.

He is a really attractive individual. No, he's handsome.

Christ. I don't understand.

I mean, I thought she'd go find herself. I mean, I'm fine. I'm...

But I mean, now she's dating some guy

that she went way out of her way to emphasize was asexual?

I don't think she's dating him. I think he's in there just...

Killing her.

That's the kind of guy that has

a cryogenic freezer in his basement.

MICKEY: You would know. I would know.

So now this is a murder mystery?

LAWRENCE: No mystery. This case is closed.

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ, what the fuck, man?

I mean, that's my house there. I mean, that's my...

I mean, I'm not on the deed, but I mean... You know what?

Fuck this, man. Fuck this.

I wanna go... I wanna meet exotic women. I wanna meet...

You know what we're gonna do? I'm dead inside.

So we should go where life began.

Outer space?

Africa, man.

No, no, no, no. Why would you wanna go there?

You gotta take a lot of antibiotics to go there, Joe.

What about Sweden? You always said swarthy guys fare well in Sweden.

Oh, yeah, we do. But I can't go back. I made some enemies.

What're we doing? Gonna swim there?

Just go to the bar.

(BELL DINGS)

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

I don't have the clap.

(LAUGHS)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

You have to be...

(WHISPERING) See the whole family's asleep, so you be quiet.

Shh. I like your family.

I know you do. I love them.

Enjoy your family.

Thank you. Good night. Bye.

Okay.

What am I doing, man? It's fucking... It's only 2:00 a.m.

Los Angeles shuts down, but I don't.

I gotta lot of...

I'm gonna get the party... You know what?

Whatever you do, don't play that piano.

♪ I know it's a little late

♪ I hope I don't wake your state

♪ I feel like my ultimate fate is to masturbate ♪

That's not a bad fucking idea.

No.

"Pick the girl of your dreams."

African-Swedish.

Hi there.

My name is Jerome Kern.

Gotta make it good, nice. Let's make it pretty.

Oh, that's nice. I mean,

maybe not the world's most appropriate hooker music,

but it's your night. It's your night, buddy.

I mean, I'm completely backwards.

Okay, I gotta relax. You're an hombre.

Okay.

Fuck. Fuck.

Ambien or Ativan? Ambien or Ativan?

Fuck! Which hand?

God damn it, which hand?

DUSTY: This song is beautiful.

JOSE: It is, isn't it? Hmm.

Who is it?

Oh, Bridget St John's her name.

She's like a '70s folky, you know.

She's still around, though.

My friend Jake, he makes me these tapes off of his old records.

It was nice.

It was really nice.

It was.

Then why are you still scowling?

Oh, I'm afraid that's permanent.

(LAUGHS) No! Yeah.

Botox is really the only...

Oh, man.

Answer at this point. Uh-oh.

Yeah. Hmm.

Let me see. Put your head here. Okay.

You're gonna... Are you gonna...

Are you gonna operate, Doc? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Are you a shaman?

No.

What if you're... What if you're a neurotic collector?

(LAUGHS) A what?

Well...

It's come to my attention that I may be a trifle neurotic.

And since you're so stunning, stable, perfect,

then you must have a fatal flaw.

And it's gotta be that you collect neurotic people.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah.

If I told you I wasn't a neurotic collector,

would that make you feel any better?

Mmm.

No. Probably not.

Right. So you're just gonna have to trust this. Sorry.

There's gotta be a catch.

You're a catch.

If you say so.

I say so.

Yeah, I'm your yang.

Yeah.

You're my scruffy yang.

KATE: Jose! Jose!

What is it, Kate?

(GASPS)

Oh, my God! (SPEAKING SWEDISH)

Oh, my God! (SPEAKING SWEDISH)

Kate, listen very carefully. (SPEAKING SWEDISH)

Get Gabe. It's a home invasion. Home invasion.

Home invasion, Gabe! No, Gabe!

GABE: I'm coming!

What the hell?

What's happening? What's happening?

Is it a friend? You get her?

Oh, God, you're gonna need more than a racket!

Oh, Jesus Christ, I haven't even had shitty kids yet.

(KIDS SCREAMING) Go, go, go, go.

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm not wearing any pants.

Kate, I understand what's happened here.

I thought it was a Manson deal. (SPEAKING SWEDISH)

So, are you Swedish? (SPEAKING SWEDISH)

Like Wild Strawberries, did you ever see it?

Oh, it's about an old man, and he's going over his whole life...

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

What is it, chicken?

I'm not chicken, I'm a Violet.

Um, Honey, I'm not so sure that doing that with

your mother's underwear is the best idea.

Why not?

Well, it's probably gonna just stretch them,

and, you know, I bet you it doesn't feel too good.

It feels very good to me.

Hey, Gabe! Gabe!

Gabe! Gabe!

I'm a little above my pay grade.

Yeah, there's a... Yeah. (GRUNTS)

crazy clown situation here.

KATE: Don't forget, Violet has ballet after school.

GABE: I know. I know.

KATE: Don't snap.

GABE: I'm projecting from the other room.

Here. Oh, Hi, Hi.

Here's Uncle Josie. Yeah.

Hi, Fred. Hi, Fred.

There you go. You're so happy.

Hey, buddy.

Ambien's pretty strong, huh?

Kate, I am so sorry.

Gabe screwed up the order so you're in charge of picking up

more paper plates, cups, kazoos and funny hats. Got it?

That's okay, yeah.

There's gonna be a lot of kids here tomorrow

so ixnay on the pills and whores, yeah? Yup.

Enjoy your day.

It's okay. He's not so bad. I love you, Fred. Bye.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

JOSE: ♪ I like gum and you like cheese

♪ Together we go to the Gymboree

♪ I like fruitcakes, you like pies

♪ Together we know that's just not right

(LAUGHS)

I don't know. I like cats. I like cats, I like...

All right. Cats...

♪ I like cats, you like hounds

♪ I am lost

♪ I once was found ♪

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Probably for the best.

Okay, all right. Jesus.

I need a safe haven.

Oh, Jesus Christ, the Yelp girl?

Such a big mistake, such a big fucking mistake.

You should never play Misty for these girls.

I know, I know, but I actually like that tune.

It's so stupid.

I need a place to stay just for awhile.

Oh, no, pal, honestly,

a hooker woke Kate's family up in the middle of the night last night.

Probably not a good idea. What about Lawrence's place?

I can't... He can't. He's staying at my place.

Besides, he's convinced his apartment

is being bugged by the bookstore.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I'm hoping he'll meet my stalker

and they'll diffuse each other.

Sure, you're very sorry. But do you have any idea how badly you have...

The kids aren't here, are they?

No, Gabe took them to the park.

How badly you have ass fucked me?

You have fucked me right in the ass.

I can't walk because the ass fucking that you have given me

has ripped me in two, you fucking piece of shit! Feel better.

I love you. (CLEARS THROAT)

(STUTTERING) ls everything...

Probably not. No.

The fucking caterer has the flu,

except I know it's fucking bullshit

because we share a client and he told me

that he took a higher-paying job.

The cock-sucking douche bag, the day before the motherfucking shindig!

El Pollo Loco?

(SIGHS) Hey, do your friends like... (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

This reminds me of when we were kids.

What are you talking about? I met you when I was 24.

Just kids then.

You know we have to be out of here

after the party tomorrow, right?

My two weeks are up.

Not mine.

My two weeks are just starting.

(CHUCKLES)

Can you hear that? Hmm?

You don't hear that?

No. What?

Mariachi music.

MICKEY: Oh, Christ, don't tell me they're stalking me, too.

(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)

This is from your husband.

I'm not married.

CABANA BOY: Well, maybe he's proposing, then.

To Mexicano.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

VIOLET: Hello.

Hello.

Hello. I said hello! Hello!

Oh, honey, honey, give me that, hon.

It's broken.

Call failed. You know, who...

What's 805?

805, Ventura County, Santa Barbara.

Why do you know that?

UC Santa Barbara.

Oh.

(SIGHS)

KATE: Gabe, you need to get ready.

(SIGHS)

Would you get off the phone? People are coming in half an hour.

Hey, I'm aware that people are coming in a half an hour.

I'm writing an e-mail to a student.

Oh, well, at least you still have one of those.

Yes, Kate, I still have one of those.

Jesus Christ, what is the fucking problem? You've been on the warpath.

KATE: People are canceling, Gabe.

Kevin's mother called today.

She said that you taught him

how to play Wang Dang Sweet Poontang.

GABE: Hey, do you have any idea how difficult it is to arrange.

Wang Dang Sweet Poontang (or the piano'!?

It stimulates their little fingers, their little minds.

KATE: Are you kidding me right now? Are you fucking kidding me?

You're a fucking child. What, you have Jose on the couch

while you teach your lessons? GABE: Hey, you know what?

I'm spending time with a friend, okay?

Who's leaving today. You're supposed to be at work!

So what difference does it make? I'm at work!

You know what, I am a... That's work?

I'm a good boy, okay? Lam a good boy.

I've been a good boy for 25 years since I went into rehab.

I've been a good boy every fucking day in this relationship.

And I've been a good boy since I quit the band!

And what? What? I'm the bad guy?

I'm the bad guy for working so hard for this fucking family?

I'm the bad guy? I'm the fucking grown up, Gabe!

Hey, I've been a grown up since I was 17.

No, you have been sober since you were 17,

and that is not the same thing.

Oh, my God, come on! Are you fucking kidding me right now?

Jesus! Give me a fucking break!

No. No! You can't have a break because I can't have a break

because we can't because we are pregnant!

With twins!

(PANTING)

Holy shit.

What's twins?

It's like two of you, sweetie.

(DOOR CLOSES)

UvaDisc!

KATE: It smells amazing.

MICKEY: Oh, yeah, you're probably getting the galangal,

which is a very, very kind of potent...

Yeah? Yeah.

It's like ginger gone bad. Yeah.

I'm sorry, I've been a little tense. Carrying a litter, apparently.

Oh, no problem, darling.

You really saved us here. Thank you so much.

Hey, listen, it's my pleasure.

Just point me in the direction of the damaged divorcees.

Or actually, you know what? Unhappily married women, I don't care.

You know what, actually can you just wait

until the people come maybe? I'll take anyone at this point.

Really? Yeah, just...

Maybe Mickey you could put some tin foil over it or something.

Hi. Hi.

Couple questions about my set.

Would you like me to err more on the side of

my 4-year-old humor or my 40-year-old stuff?

Well, what's the difference?

Sailor jokes. You know, blue stuff. Hi.

(SCREAMING) Say hi. Oh, sweetheart.

It's okay, it's okay.

It's all right. Kids hate me. It's okay.

Gabe, should we lose the clown?

Sure.

Thank you, man. Hey, buddy.

I call this Tom and Jerry.

Gus. Hey, Jose, happy birthday, man.

Thank you, man. Nice of you to be here.

I had a very vivid dream.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

What was it, Gus?

You were on the beach with Dusty

or it was Linda wearing Dusty's shoes.

You had this large sombrero that totally covered your face.

And Dusty... Linda, lifted the sombrero from your head,

and it wasn't you. It was Pepe.

Pepe from the liquor store?

Pepe from the liquor store.

Oh, Gus, that's uncannily similar to a dream I just had.

Maybe you were both abducted.

That's not funny, man.

Many felicitous arrivals.

Oh, that's lovely. Look at that.

(LAUGHS) That's lovely. Lovely. Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT) Gus, how, I don't know, accurate

would you say this prescience is of yours?

I would say about 60, 70.

(LAUGHING)

Do you want to get some lemonade?

Where's Jose's hot mom?

I used to love sleeping over at their house when we were kids.

Van Halen went on without David Lee Roth.

Hey, we can get Sammy Hagar.

Hey, you guys, that's not gonna be too loud, is it?

It'll be all right. I'm using these.

They do this sort of thing for a living, honey.

You all right there, buddy?

Oh, shit.

My parents fight a lot.

(CONVERSING IN JAPANESE)

I know you seen my face in your Whole Food.

Yeah, a motherfucking free range and vegan dude.

MICKEY: I don't know if I can handle having a kid that cool.

I'd probably have to Munchausen by proxy.

He's probably seen more tail than I have in the last three years.

Three? You see that kid?

Yeah. No, do you see that kid?

That kid is our little slice of the American pie dream.

The what?

(LAUGHING CREEPILY)

What the fuck was that?

Oh, my God.

That's my sweet spot right there. I'm going in.

Sorry, sorry. Hey, Bro.

Yeah. How you holding up, man? Okay?

Yeah, yeah, good. It's good times, man.

Yeah? Having fun. Okay.

Hey, listen, you had mentioned before,

you know, something about Facebooking Dusty.

You're Facebook friends with her?

Uh... Not exactly.

Okay, what does that mean?

Technically, she blocked me.

What do you mean, technically?

Well, I may have recently hack friended her.

Okay, does that mean that you can see her page or...

Theoretically, yes.

Okay, so theoretically, would you be able

to check to see if she's doing okay?

I just want to make sure because I haven't heard from her.

I just want to make sure she's... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, way ahead of you there, buddy. She is definitely alive.

I was way off on that one.

Okay. All right.

Are there any status updates or, you know?

Just says, "Went on my honeymoon, off the grid for two weeks."

Adios. What?

I think she may have taken those coupons

and gone on your honeymoon without you.

Jesus Christ, why do you know about the coupons?

What coupons? Never mind.

Why didn't you tell me this?

I'm not excellent with judgment calls.

(SIGHS) Okay.

Don't know why this is news.

Jesus, she went to Mexico alone?

I mean, I hope she went alone.

I don't even know what I'm rooting for at this point.

(SIGHS) ls there anything else?

Yeah, Dr. Steve is housesitting. It's all on Facebook.

I'd show you. Oh, okay. All right.

Well, thanks for telling me, you know.

I mean... All right, all right. You're welcome, buddy.

Okay, so you sure there's nothing else of any consequence

you're maybe forgetting, omitting?

Oh, that honeymoon comment got 31 likes.

All right. You all set?

Sorry. Sorry.

Gotta approach him from the front. Okay?

Okay.

Hi. Hi, everybody.

Thank you so much for coming to Violet's 4th

and Jose's 40th birthday.

(ALL CHEERING)

Anyway, this year we decided not to do a bouncy house,

but we do have an amazing band.

Jose's band and Gabe's old band, actually.

Erstwhile!

KANE: Wha I prefer erstwhile.

All right, so without any further ado,

the erstwhile line up of Jose and the Borges.

Yay, Daddy! (APPLAUSE)

Thank you, Kate. This is dedicated to your couch.

When was the last time you smoked a joint

at a children's birthday party?

August. (CHUCKLES)

♪ I'm a little boy, I'm a little boy, I'm a little boy

♪ I'm a little boy blue

♪ I'm a little boy, I'm a little boy, I'm a little boy

♪ I'm a little boy blue

♪ Are you a little girl, you a little girl You a little girl

♪ You a little girl true?

♪ 'Cause I'm a little boy, I'm a little boy And I'm a little boy

♪ And I'm a little boy true ♪

Yeah! Yeah!

(INDISTINCT)

(INDISTINCT)

It's too loud. Turn it off.

Gabe!

Gabe!

It's way, way, way... It's a kids' party.

Gabe! Gabe!

It's too loud. You need to stop.

I need some help. Somebody help me here.

All right. Okay. I got this.

All right, Hendrix. Let's go.

Song's over. That's enough with the feedback, man.

All right, Nugent. Let's get you some water.

(BABY CRYING)

He's a fighter. (CHUCKLES)

I just wanted to rock out with my cock out, you know?

He's gonna be all right.

I know. I know.

GABE: Sorry, sorry. I'm fine. Sorry.

KATE: Yeah, it's okay, baby. Let's just go inside.

Where's my shoe?

(PLANE PASSING)

JAKE: "I cannot account for the hours

"that have been smothered into submission."

"Not only this afternoon"

"but day after day,"

"year after year."

“Over the wasted course of which time,

"I have been repeating this futile lament."

"That it makes no difference."

"I have already put in more than"

"my share of time that adds up to nothing."

I guess the world is ready.

"One afternoon after another,"

"passing in a hypnagogic blur,"

"struggling to find it's not there."

"Trapped in a refuge of bypassed intentions."

"Yet from this tedium, I would not welcome interruption."

"I like to complain."

"It creates the illusion that I'm doing something."

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

(JOSE CLEARS THROAT)

(JOSE SPEAKING SPANISH)

I'm gonna have to do the rest in English if that's okay.

Okay, thanks. Yes, I was wondering if you could

connect me to Dusty Morrison's room?

Uh... Hmm.

Okay. What about, I don't know, what about Dusty Stern?

No? All right, what about, I don't know, Joseph Stern?

My name is Joseph Stern, actually.

Okay. I don't suppose you could tell me if

a very beautiful woman,

5'4", alabaster skin, very luminous. Yeah.

No, I... Yes.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Yes, no, I've seen plenty of movies. Gracias.

(CELLPHONE VIBRATING)

Hello?

Hi.

Um...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I can hear you fine.

I don't know why I can, but I can, seriously.

You get better service in Mexico.

Yeah, Mexico. I'm here.

Where are you? I gave them every surname I could think of.

Did you marry somebody else?

I'm in Santa Barbara.

You're in Santa... Why?

(STUTTERING)

It said you were on your honeymoon on Facebook

and Gus dreamed a dream I had sort of that you were in Mexico.

I've been trying to reach you. My e-mails kept bouncing back.

I mean, I've been calling you for days. Ever since I got here.

Really?

Oh, goddamn phone.

You're in Mexico?

Yeah, I flew down. I flew down to Mexico

to rescue you from drug lords

or win you back from a full-blooded Mexican man or...

What, you flew?

Yes, I flew.

Yeah, believe me, I flew. I'm like 10 pounds lighter.

(JOSE STUTTERING)

Santa Barbara, I don't understand.

I was gonna go to Mexico.

I was furious,

and I was gonna go on our goddamn honeymoon

if it was the last goddamn thing I did.

Yeah, well, literally. It's terrifying down here.

No, it's not. You're basically in San Diego.

(CHUCKLES)

Anyway, I couldn't do it. It's not me.

It felt like something someone would do but not me.

So I decided to come here for your birthday.

So you're on my birthday and I'm on our honeymoon?

Yeah, I guess so.

(CHUCKLES)

This has nothing to do with, you know, Dave, right?

Who's Dave? Dave.

Bob. Steve. Dr. Bob. Steve?

The guy from, you know, the handsome.

Bob. No, he's housesitting.

Bob, is that what this is about?

No, no. No.

I came down here because I wanted you to know something.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

I came down here because I wanted you to know that I'm...

Because I wanted you to know that I'm...

(SIGHS) That I'm

a little queasy, I think, from the flight

or the food on the flight.

I don't know if it was really food exactly.

Sorry, I just... Oh, God! Jesus.

I just got a... Sorry...

Neck...

Jose? Yeah, honey.

Jesus, maybe...

I'm pregnant.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Just find it in my heart Among the living change

♪ To find a brighter morrow One must rearrange

♪ Every thought you thought Every word you sung

♪ To the poems of yore That's a losing score

♪ You're nothing but a punk

♪ You're nothing but a punk

♪ You can even reason You can even hope

♪ Your poetic justice is justified

♪ You suck it in your throat You swallow down at night

♪ You slam it in the mornin' It used to be all right

♪ But you're a big one now

♪ You're all grown up ♪