Original subtitles

To remind you, sir. Wolf Blitzer's here with a crew from CNN.

They're doing that feature on possible presidential hopefuls.

Wolf (STAMMERS) Blitzer's here?

I think the first three b's are silent.

Nothing to get nervous about

just 'cause they're throwing around the word "presidential."

It's just gonna be a normal press conference.

Nothing unusual.

(IN DEEP VOICE) This is CNN.

I should have done that voice.

This is CNN.

This is the door closing.

Come on, who's afraid of the big bad wolf?

Not you, not this Mayor.

Uh-uh. Just go out there and keep it simple.

Remember all we're announcing today

is that the money for school renovation is going to Brooklyn.

After careful consideration,

we've decided that the money allocated for school renovations

is going to b... (STAMMERS)

Is going to b... (STAMMERS)

It's going to Queens.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

The same thing happened to me once

when I was running for class president

of my junior high.

But you can say your "B's" now, right?

Oh, yeah, I'm all b... (STAMMERS) I'm fine.

James, remove all the B's

from the speech the Mayor has to give this afternoon.

That's gonna be tough, Mike.

Oh, b... Boy.

Sir, you're talking to the Bronx boy's Baseball Boosters.

And hey, what do you know,

the guest speaker... Bobby Bonilla.

I think you just came down with the flu, sir.

(COUGHING)

I did not need to get sick today!

Mike, you are aware

that my wedding is in two days, right?

Paul, I told you my wedding gift to you

is to plan this event down to the last detail,

and that is a promise I'm going to keep.

Did you hear that, Stuart?

Mike made a promise, much like your promise

not to shave while you're showering.

What's the big deal?

There were whiskers

floating around when I took my bath.

What kind of bath?

A bubble bath.

Okay, two things. One, you're a guy.

You shouldn't be taking bubble baths.

And two, shaving isn't the only thing I do in the shower to save time.

Paul, don't ever move in with somebody.

It'll ruin your life.

Lovely sentiments to a man about to be married.

Mike, promise me you won't let me down.

What are you worried about? I'm your best man.

I will be the best best man.

In fact, I don't think that term even does me justice.

I want you to think of me as your ultimate man.

Okay, ultimate man.

Did you take care of the cake?

I preordered a seven-layer coconut cream cake,

and had figurines custom made for the top

that look exactly like you and Claudia.

One thing. I'm allergic to coconut.

See? That's why your figurine is covered with hives.

Claudia, I see the vows you wrote are to love Paul

and to cherish him eternally.

Well, I could have gotten a lot mushier. (LAUGHS)

Now, Paul, your vows are to love Claudia

and to lose five pounds...

Well, I wanted to combine my wedding vows

with my New Year's resolutions.

Mike, Congressman Sears. It's an emergency.

Oh. Just go ahead.

Now, the groom and the groomsmen will be wearing

powder blue ruffled tuxedos with tails

and a top hat?

Hey, hey, lookin' sharp.

All right. Yeah, we'll introduce the bill on the 5th,

we'll lobby till the 10th, and we'll vote on the 14th.

Okay. (CLEARS THROAT) Where were we?

Mr. Flaherty, don't you have to write all that down?

Oh, no, Father.

It's like I have a little secretary in my head.

She files, she types...

She's got a little crush on me.

Oh, yes, you do.

Carter Heywood!

Father Larry! Oh, God, hi!

You two know each other?

I've known Carter since he was four foot tall.

Well, how have you been?

Are you married yet?

Uh... I... Uh...

Still haven't met the right girl.

Oh. You know, when... When he was a kid,

all the girls wanted to date him,

but Carter wanted to run around with the boys.

Well, he outgrew that.

Now it's dinner and a movie.

Still a guy's guy, eh?

Ho-ho!

Don't worry, Carter. There is a woman out there somewhere

just waiting for you. (CHUCKLES)

I won't rest until I find her.

It's just that he's the only person I haven't come out to.

I wanted to, but I just haven't figured out a way to tell him!

What about a singing gorilla-gram?

(LISPING) ♪♪ Well, I didn't know how to tell you

♪♪ But I really like the fellas

♪♪ Here's a balloon for you ♪♪

Step, kick!

This is just beautiful.

(WHISPERING)

Why do people always whisper in church?

They do it out of respect.

And would you throw that away?

Stuart, that is the poor box!

What? If they're poor, they're hungry.

What do you mean the wedding's not today?

Today's Saturday, isn't it?

Mike, you reserved the church for next Saturday.

I specifically remember scheduling Paul's wedding for the 24th

because on the 31st the mayor's opening a new V.A. Hospital,

and I arranged to have the blue angels fly over the ceremony.

(JETS FLYING OVERHEAD)

I wanted to see that.

Oh, what am I gonna do? Paul and Claudia are gonna be crushed.

I'm sorry. I'd like to help you out,

but we have Edith Anderson's funeral today.

A funeral? That's great.

Well, not great, but... But...

It sounds like something you could postpone.

How would Mrs. Anderson feel about that?

She's dead.

I mean, a couple more hours aren't gonna kill her...

Again.

I'm sorry, Mike, it's out of the question.

Ridiculous.

Look at this? God. Wait a minute.

Father, I have to talk to you.

Father?

Father! I'm gay.

Sir?

Sir, if we don't leave now, we're gonna be late for Paul's wedding.

Oh, b... B... (STAMMERS)

So that stutter's still a problem?

You know what might help?

Back in high school before chorus practice

Mr. Baptisto would have us do this exercise.

Betty Boda bought a bit of better butter.

Betty Boda bought a bit of better butter. Okay, Now you try it.

Maybe not.

It's no use. I c... (STAMMERS) Can't do it.

Wow, it's "C's" now.

What am I gonna d... Do?

And there's the D's. You're working your way up the alphabet. Mr. Mayor.

It's fascinating.

Mr. Mayor, I did not buy this bridesmaid dress for nothing.

Now, I'm leaving with or without you

after I return councilman Weir's call.

He wants to know if you're meeting him at 5:00 or 6:00 on Monday.

We're meeting at f... (STAMMERS)

I got it. Six o'clock.

Hello, I'm Paul Lassiter. How are you today?

This is the worst day of my life.

Oh, come on! It's gonna be a wonderful day.

I just lost my favorite aunt.

Oh, what are you saying? You haven't lost anyone!

You come over to my apartment,

you see her anytime you want!

You're gonna take her back to your apartment?

Well, no, not right away.

We're gonna go to Hawaii first.

I really think she needs to get a little color back in her face.

You're a sick, sick man.

Enjoy!

See you after.

No present.

Hey, Paul.

Oh, Mike, thank you, thank you, thank you.

The limousines, the tuxedos,

and I'll tell you, those blue angels flying overhead...

That's very impressive.

Look, Paul, there's... There's a problem with the wedding.

Problem? Oh, God, no, no. How big a problem?

I'm awful sorry about your grandmother,

but you gotta understand my situation here, okay?

Now, if you'd be willing to help us out,

I would be glad to pay for all your expenses

and to remove the cans and the "just married" sign from your hearse.

I'm so sorry.

I... I thought it was one of those special limos

with the hot tub in the back.

I'll give you an hour, but that's all.

After that, we begin the funeral.

I understand. You people are very excited

to start mourning.

Okay, I got us an hour for the wedding.

Let me go fetch the priest, get this thing moving.

You can't do that, Mike.

I'm not gonna fetch him.

I'll ask him nicely, "Please come out."

I've knocked Father Larry unconscious.

Well, it's not all bad news.

How can you say that?

Well, for starters, it's not all my fault anymore.

Claudia's gonna be here any second.

Someone should meet her out back and tell her everything's gonna be okay.

I am not doing it unless he wakes up.

Ladies and gentlemen, Nikki's only rule of dating.

We need smelling salts.

I got a better idea.

Paul, you still making your own cologne?

Yeah. I call it Paulo...

For men.

Ooh, ooh!

Ooh, that burns!

You should probably be taken to the hospital,

and we'll do that as soon as you finish performing the ceremony.

I'm sorry, Mike. I just don't think I could do it.

Oh, no. Oh, God it's official.

This is the worst day of my life!

No, it's all right, it's all right.

All we have to do is find someone else

who's legally qualified to perform the ceremony.

I'm going to join the other bridesmaids.

Ah.

Ah. See, this is good, sir. This is gonna work.

We found a noise you can make consistently.

Ah!

If you just stick with it, you will not have any problems.

Ah!

Mr. Mayor.

Ah.

We got a problem.

The priest got knocked in the head.

We need you to perform the ceremony.

Ah-ah-ah!

I'm sorry, sir, I can't take "ah-ah-ah"

for an answer. We got 25 minutes.

Ah...

He says he'll give it his best shot.

Honey, you okay in the confessional?

You have enough air?

CLAUDIA: Honey, why were there so many crying,

hysterical women in my bridal room?

Well, what can I say, honey? I'm a heartbreaker.

CLAUDIA: Paulie? Yeah?

CLAUDIA: Honey, let me take a sneak peak at the church.

No, no, no, no!

Honey, it's bad luck if...

If... If you see each other before the ceremony.

Oh, phooey on tradition. I'm coming out.

No, no, no, no!

Jeez, you're a strong woman.

Carter, you have to tell Father Larry.

I told him.

He was unconscious.

That's a technicality.

Look, here he comes. You can do it. Just be strong.

Father Larry...

This is one of my parishioners, Tina.

She insists I go to the hospital for a quick x-ray.

By the way, she's single,

if you'd like to exchange phone numbers.

(MOUTHING)

Tina, baby, I'm in the phone book under "L" for love.

Friend of the bride, groom, or deceased?

I'm here to pay my respects to Mrs. Anderson.

She was one of the kindest, most gentle...

Yeah, yeah, she was a real peach.

On the left, and no crying

until after the bride says "I do," okay? Have a good time.

The Mayor's finally ready. Can we get started?

Yeah. Hey, Ed, hit it!

Mike, you sure this is gonna work?

Paulie.

Wow!

(BRIDAL CHORUS PLAYS VERY SLOWLY)

Hey, Ed. Got 10 minutes left. Wanna speed it up, babe?

(MUSIC SPEEDED UP)

(WHISPERING) What is that?

Mike?

That's Paul's grandfather.

He just really wanted to be here.

(CLEARS THROAT) But he's got bingo at 3:30, so...

Mr. Mayor, you're on.

Dearly b... (STAMMERS)

Dearly b... (STAMMERS)

Ah. Ah.

That's a beautiful sentiment, sir.

Time's up. We're getting started.

Sir, why don't I bring this baby home.

Mike, are you sure this is legal?

What, are you wearing a wire?

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

(CRYING) Why? Why? Why?

Let me finish.

We are gathered here today...

Uh, Paul, do you?

I do.

Great. Claudia, I assume you're a ditto.

The best man has the rings. That's me.

There you go.

Okay. (CLEARS THROAT) Unless anyone here has a reason

why this wedding should not take place...

Don't look at her. She's not gonna say anything.

This is a total disaster!

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go, I'm gonna get Claudia,

I'm gonna bring her back here.

I'm gonna make everything right.

Mike, the band called. They're not gonna show.

They got a better offer to play the funeral.

All right, James.

From now on, you are the band.

Cool!

Can I be Loverboy?

You can be Captain and Tennille for all I care.

(PLAYING SAMBA BEAT)

♪♪ At the copa

♪♪ Copacabana

♪♪ The hottest spot north of Havana

♪♪ At the copa

♪♪ Ha!

♪♪ Copacabana

♪♪ Music and passion were always in fashion

♪♪ At the copa

♪♪ Ah!

♪♪ They fell in love ♪♪

Sir? Yeah?

You're cured.

I'm c... (STAMMERS)

Ladies and gentlemen...

I am Loverboy.

Mike, there was a corpse at my wedding.

Hey, Paul's not the most exciting guy in the world,

but I wouldn't call him a corpse.

I don't mean to sound threatening,

but if you make another joke,

I'm gonna rip off your legs and feed them to you.

Mike, you're back in.

Okay, Claudia, I'm gonna make you a deal, okay?

You come with me back to the reception,

I will let you rip all the limbs off Stuart you want.

And feed them to him?

It's your day, sweetie.

Through this door lies the greatest happiness you will ever know.

(FUNERAL MUSIC PLAYS)

I meant the next door.

Bet you didn't know that they kept those in there, did you?

Yeah, she's gone.

See you.

(CLINKING GLASS)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Wonderful.

I know that traditionally a toast is given after the wedding,

but seeing as the groom isn't speaking to me,

well, I figured what the hell.

Paul and Claudia, let me just start by saying

that if you were a mere mortal couple,

your relationship would be buried back there with Mrs. Anderson.

(RIM SHOT)

Maybe the funeral was a message.

Maybe Mrs. Anderson was there to remind us

that life goes by very quickly,

and we don't have a lot of chances to be truly happy.

Or maybe she was just there to remind us

that blow-drying your hair in the bathtub is never a good idea.

But seriously, I just want to say that I love you guys...

(RIM SHOT)

To Paul...

And Claudia.

Mr. Mayor, you're on.

(STAMMERING) Hi... Hi... Hi...

Hit it, James.

(COPACABANA PLAYS)

♪♪ And do you, Paulie

♪♪ Take this girl Claudia

♪♪ To be your lawful wedded wife

♪♪ Even in those times of strife

I do.

♪♪ And do you, Claudia

♪♪ Take this guy Paulie

♪♪ To be your one and only man

♪♪ Even though he doesn't tan

♪♪ When you walk out that door

♪♪ It means forever more

♪♪ Instead of one you will be two

♪♪ If you just say I do

I do.

♪♪ I'm glad you found me

♪♪ Hey

♪♪ Quite entrancing

♪♪ Ha

♪♪ But now it is time for some dancing

♪♪ So Paul and Claudia

♪♪ Start your romancing

♪♪ Now I'm proud to announce

♪♪ That I'm going to pronounce you

♪♪ For the first time

♪♪ As man and wife ♪♪

Sir, sir, sir, sir? (WHISPERS) Can I kiss her?

Kiss the bride, sir.

Paul, you may k... (STAMMERS)

Sir, if it makes you feel any better,

there's never been a Mayor of New York city elected president.

(RELIEVED SIGH)

Paul, you may...

Kiss your beautiful bride.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you.

No, no, really, thank you. Thank you very much.

ALL: ♪♪ Copa Copacabana

♪♪ The hottest spot north of Havana

♪♪ At the copa

♪♪ Copacabana ♪♪

(ALL STOP SINGING)

Father Larry? I'm a homosexual!

Hit it!

♪♪ Music and passion were always in fashion

♪♪ At the copa

♪♪ They fell in love ♪♪