Original subtitles

What is it about sex,

that makes people think of ice cream?

I hear that's how Ben and Jerry

come up with their flavors.

It must have been a wild night

when Chunky Monkey was born.

So now that we're engaged,

do you think our sex life will slow down?

I hope so. What?

Well, I mean, you know, the sex is great.

I just, I'm putting on a lot of weight here.

Oh, mm-hm.

Have you thought about a date for our wedding?

I kind of assumed I'd be taking you.

Oh, my.

Gee, a lifetime of jokes like that,

how lucky can a girl get?

Mm. No, Mike, we really, we should start planning,

you know, there's a lot of things to talk about.

We have some of our best conversations during sex.

No, we don't. You sound like a TV evangelist, Mike.

Yeah. "Oh, Lord. Oh, God.

"Oh, Lord, I can see."

Yeah.

At least I don't sound like a driving instructor.

"Slow down, slow down.

"To the left, to the left.

"Look out for the bus."

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I want to remind all of you that running New York City

is our job.

And City Hall is the nerve center of that job.

And as City Hall goes, so goes New York City.

So I'll ask you one more time again...

Who jammed the snack machine...

By using Canadian coins?

I don't know.

James, when you put a coin

in one of Uncle Sam's snack machines,

it likes to see a dead president

on that coin,

not a maple leaf...

Not a beaver.

I can't believe the snack machines are down.

Now how am I gonna get my afternoon Ding Dong?

I can take care of that for you.

On a non-snack- related note,

the first-quarter reports are due.

Stacey, you're gonna have to type them up,

so you'll be working all week.

You're kidding. Mike, I have a new boyfriend.

Stacey, please. Let's act like an adult, shall we?

And let's not forget the new rule.

If one of us works late, we all work late.

(WHINING) Mike, that's no fair.

I hate this place.

Oh, everybody, don't tell Claudia that I proposed

to her on TV, because she doesn't know yet, okay?

ALL: Yeah, whatever.

Until I can propose in the right way,

I'm gonna keep her in the dark.

In fact, today I'm whisking her off to a spa,

where she's gonna spend most of the day

in a sensory deprivation tank.

Wouldn't your apartment suffice?

Mike, I'm gonna need the ring back.

Oh, you mean the ring that Laurie is right now,

as we speak, wearing as her engagement ring?

Paul, I paid for that ring, which is what they go by

when they're figuring out whose ring it is.

But thanks for stopping by.

Janelle, I'm gonna need...

What? What is it?

We just can't believe you're engaged, Mike.

That's right, ladies.

You can stop roaming the aisles.

The bachelor store is fresh out of Flaherty.

Have no fear. There is a huge shipment of Stuart,

and it is priced to move.

Then move.

You know, a person could do a lot worse than Mike.

(BLANDLY) Yeah.

Hopefully there's a Mike out there for each of us.

(THEME FROM THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW PLAYS)

Oh, Mike! Are you all right, honey?

You know, after tripping over that thing

every day for two years, you'd think I'd learn.

(LAUGHTER SOUNDTRACK)

How was your day at City Hall?

Oh, boy, don't ask.

You know, if it would help, I'd be happy

to come work at the office.

You know I don't want you working.

I want you shopping and going to the salon

and taking care of little Mikey.

Here. Mike wants you to organize the books

for the entire first quarter and give him a summary.

(MIMICKING MARY TYLER MOORE) Oh, Mike!

I've been asked to speak on behalf of your arteries.

You have to eat healthier.

Why don't you try some fruit once in a while?

How many times do I have to tell you?

Crunch Berries are fruit.

Let me get this straight. You run the city?

You know, Laurie, I've been thinking. Hm.

Most couples spend, like, a year of their lives

planning their wedding. Mm-hm.

You know, it overwhelms the relationship.

I was thinking maybe we could move a little quicker.

You mean move it up to summer?

I was thinking Saturday.

You can't put a wedding together in less than a week.

There's a lot of things we have to talk about.

For instance, what about a prenuptial agreement?

I don't need one.

Of course you don't. I make four times what you do.

You're serious, aren't you?

I'll take care of every detail.

Church, band, the caterers. If you want,

I'll have a thousand doves released into the air.

I love you, and I want us to start living

our lives together as soon as possible.

Let's do it.

Where are you gonna get a thousand doves?

Pigeons and some house paint.

I can't believe I'm back here buying another ring.

Paul, you didn't buy the first ring. Mike did.

Still, it was very traumatic.

A diamond really is a miracle of nature.

Not to mention a rocket ride to mattressville.

Marriage is a huge proposition.

Am I ready? Is it the right time?

Is Claudia the right woman?

Paul, Claudia's the only girl for you.

Thank you, Stuart.

No, I mean she's the only girl.

Janelle said you had a question for me?

Uh. Yes, sir, I do.

Well, I was wondering if you would do me

the honor of being my best man.

The honor would be all mine.

And I don't want you to think for a minute,

that you're making a mistake

just because my marriage was a total disaster.

Right. Well, sir,

I'm sure there were some good times.

No.

My marriage was 25 years

of root canal with no anesthetic.

A never-ending plane ride

with a cabin full of crying babies.

Sir? Uh, save some of that for the toast.

You know, Mike, now that I've had some time

to think about marriage and what it means...

No offense, sir, but it sounds like

you're ramping up a long one,

and I'm getting married on Saturday,

and I got a lot of stuff I gotta do.

Mr. Mayor? Your conference call's in five minutes.

So, Janelle. What do you think

of our Mike here getting married?

I'm very happy for him, sir. Laurie's a lucky girl.

I've decided to throw him a big engagement party.

We're gonna need decorations, confetti, and noise makers,

and... Oh, and a big cake shaped like...

Ladies and gentlemen,

the President of the United States.

Which would you say was a bigger thrill,

winning the heart of such a wonderful person,

or being elected president?

Well, I don't think the two can be separated,

because without my Michael...

I don't think I could have won that election.

Oh, honey, you know how I hate to be in the spotlight.

Whoa! Hey, Mrs. President.

CROWD: Janelle, Janelle, Janelle, Janelle...

MAYOR: Janelle? Janelle.

We're gonna need balloons, and lots of them.

Oh, and get some extra helium.

So we can do that funny thing with our voices.

Here we are at an engagement party.

Does it make you think of anything?

Yeah. There's gonna be a lot of leftover hors d'oeuvres.

I'm glad you brought your big purse.

Hey, James.

I'm proposing to Claudia tonight.

She has no idea. I'm so smooth.

Paul, your tie is in your drink.

Oh, God! Oh, no!

So, Laurie, as Mike's best man,

I'm curious as to who I will be escorting down the aisle.

Sir, she's one of my oldest friends.

She's an architect.

She's actually a Fulbright scholar.

Honey, he wants to know if she's hot.

She's smokin' hot. Yeah.

(LASCIVIOUSLY) Oh.

At least her husband thinks so.

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh.

Well, it's good to see everybody here tonight.

I mean, we all work together,

we eat together...

Now we're at a party together.

I have to get a life.

Let me see the ring.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

What do you call that setting?

A solitaire.

(ALL CHATTERING)

(WHISTLES)

Did you see that escape?

Mike, those women were all over you,

scratching, clawing, pressing against your body.

I'm going back in. Wait, wait, Mike.

Before you go back in,

I'm proposing to Claudia tonight,

and I'm thinking of two words, dual ceremony.

Paul, we know you're cheap,

but this is, like, psychotic.

Just because I'm thrifty, that doesn't mean I'm not...

Bark for a dollar, Paul. Bark for a dollar. Bark.

Woof.

Uh, Mike? Why does my engagement ring

have an inscription "To Claudia"?

Uh, Claudia, what... What is the meaning of this?

Paulie?

Does this mean what I think it means?

Because if it does, the answer is yes.

I'm not asking the question. What?

Every time I try and propose,

something goes wrong.

The gods are trying to tell us we shouldn't be married.

What gods?

The... The big gods! The gods in the sky!

Claudia, I'm sorry. No, no, no.

We're just not meant to be.

(HELIUM VOICE) Why does everyone look so serious?

I was holding the ring for Paul,

but then you found it. So, I just went with that.

And then I re-proposed,

which I thought was very nice of me,

because I... I really do...

Mike... Please don't hurt me.

(SIGHS) Mike, I'm not mad.

I mean, I tried to be, but...

When you're scrambling around like this,

you just, you look so cute, you know?

You remind me of my old dog Bucky.

I could never get mad at him.

Whether he was chewing my shoes,

or trying to hump my leg.

It's nice to know I have that kind of leeway.

You are so cool.

Yes, I'm aware of that.

Oh, I have the greatest fiancee in the world.

Technically, I don't qualify as your fiancee.

I have no ring,

and I was proposed to under false pretenses.

What do you want?

I want a real proposal.

A nice one, the way it should be.

You want a ring with your name on it?

Good boy, yeah.

Sir, how's... How's Claudia doing?

(HELIUM VOICE) Nothing seems to cheer her up.

Two proposals shot to hell.

I should have gone with my original instinct.

Which was?

The Niagara Falls proposal-to-honeymoon package.

$99.95 gets a round-trip bus fare,

ceremony aboard The Maiden of the Mist,

and complimentary wedding ponchos.

You just have to get back on the horse. Propose again.

Yeah, I'd probably have to buy a third ring.

I've already spent a king's ransom on the first two.

Paul, I saw the bill.

It was more like a Burger King's ransom.

You're using any mishap as a convenient excuse

to run away from commitment.

Take it from me. You don't need an excuse.

Just run like the wind.

Morning, Stacey. Let me know as soon as Paul gets in.

I need that list of wedding guests typed up ASAP.

I'm almost done, Mike.

♪♪ Oh

♪♪ My darling ♪♪

MIKE: Stacey.

Stacey, you okay?

Yeah. My mind was just wandering.

Oh, I forgot. I gotta make a phone call.

Okay, I'm still dreaming.

Stay focused, and maybe he'll come back

without his shirt on again.

STUART: Hey, baby.

Claudia's here. You tricked me.

Oh, yeah. I'm a regular David Copperfield.

Have a seat.

Paul? What?

Look at Claudia.

I can't. If I look, I'll crumble like old cheese.

Paul?

Yes? Oh, Claudia. Oh, I love you. I love you.

How about a toast?

Here's to two years of love,

commitment, support and friendship.

To, uh, four crazy days.

Are you all ready to order?

I don't need a menu.

My man will have a turkey sandwich

with mustard and extra pickles.

And my lady will have chicken salad on rye,

with lettuce, coleslaw, and some potato chips, please.

Uh, my lady...

Will have the...

The bacon and cheese omelet.

Um, Mike, I'm allergic to bacon.

If I eat it, my throat closes up.

She'll need a doctor with that.

I'll have the grilled tuna.

And how would you like that prepared?

I... I... I got this. Grilled.

And you, sir?

I don't know what you want.

Wing it, honey. I'm sure

whatever you order will be perfect.

Um, he'll have the veggie-burger.

See that? Perfect.

Can I get a side order

of corned beef sandwich with that?

You just hold the veggie-burger.

You were king out there today.

Me, how about you? That no-look pass you made?

Kicked that guy right out of his jock strap.

Not that he needed one after that.

Oh, there's a Knicks game on at 4:00.

Great. I got a couple of beers here.

Got some leftover pizza.

Sounds like an afternoon.

Take my mind off my problems for a while.

Yeah, really.

Hey, we've got about an hour to kill

before the game.

Wanna head into the other room and have some sex?

You know I do.

Hello. Hey! Carter! Huh?

You wanna share a cab or what?

Yeah, Mike. Yeah, sure. Sure.

What are we doing here?

Well, I wanted to propose to you

in the place where we first kissed.

Uh. The pressroom?

Yes, well, tonight they're having a symposium

on rat management in there.

So this is the closest I could get.

But we could go in there if you want,

because it sounds interesting.

No, we'll stay here.

Your romantic instincts are impeccable, as always.

Claudia...

You're the only woman who's accepted me

for the man I can't help being.

Would you do me the honor of becoming my wife

by selecting one of these two rings?

Honey, they're both so beautiful.

How do I choose?

Well, you could keep them both.

Are you sure?

That's so against your nature.

What can I say?

I love you that much.

Oh, Paulie.

Which one is fake?

The one on the left.

After lunch with Paul and Claudia,

I had some time to think, and...

You know what I came up with?

I think I have an idea.

This.

Will you marry me?

No.

You can't... You can't say no.

You... You already said yes.

The yes is in.

I think we both know we made this decision too quickly.

That's the way I... I do things.

I make gut decisions, and then I go with that.

Yesterday it took me

two seconds to decide to refurbish

all the jungle gyms in the city parks.

Jungle gyms are not as important

as what we're talking about here.

You tell that to those kids.

I am certain I wanna spend my life with you.

Are you certain you wanna spend yours with me?

Not if you keep asking me all these tough questions.

You know, it's funny.

You're fighting for what I want,

and I'm fighting for what you want.

Then we should get married. No.

Mike. You know what's right.

All I know is that I love being with you.

And I love being with you, but...

That's not enough.

All right. So...

Now what do we do?

I don't know.

I've heard of couples that... That get, uh, pre-engaged.

What's that all about?

That's about being afraid, Mike.

That's about not knowing what you want.

Bingo.

I can't come back tomorrow as your date

when today I was your fiancee.

Laurie, you can't leave, okay?

Without you, I'm... I'm... I'm... Mike, don't get me wrong.

I'm gonna pray you stop me.

Here I go.

You... You are gonna come back?

I don't know.

Uh...

You okay?

I didn't think you'd let me get this far.

Bye, Mike.

Laurie...

I'll... I'll keep the door unlocked.

This thing with Laurie's, you know, been rough.

I can't deny it hurts.

We know, Mike.

And we just wanted to help.

That's right, mike. We just wanna help.

(GASPS)