Original subtitles

Good morning, all right, first thing, Stuart,

you are no longer allowed to buy the doughnuts in the morning.

It took me a couple of weeks to figure this out,

But you always buy one less than there are people.

It amuses me.

Well, between that and Paul taking two,

a lot of us, meaning me, go without.

I did not take two.

What's that round thing in your pocket, Paul?

One of those new glazed wallets?

Now, let's get down to real business.

And this is important, we got this run-off election next week in District A.

I cannot believe tomorrow's Valentine's Day.

I'm so not ready for this.

No date yet either, huh?

What about you, Mike? Do you have a date?

No. No, I don't.

As a matter of fact, this is the first time in 18 years

I don't have a date on Valentine's Day.

So the streak is over, huh?

Yeah. It kind of defies the laws of nature.

It's like a cheetah that won't hunt.

What can I tell you?

I just didn't feel like going out this year.

Now, this runoff in District A...

The teamsters sent me some chocolates.

ALL: Great!

Would you... Yeah.

Like one?

What are you doing, Paul, feeding the bear claw?

I'm sure the teamsters were just trying to cheer me up.

You know, tomorrow's gonna be a pretty tough day for me...

Alone... Divorced...

Well, at least you weren't accepting

any thinly disguised bribes

from the local unions.

There's always that.

All right. Now, unless anyone else wants to share a Valentine's story,

I'd like to get down to this very important business.

So anyone? No. Good.

Ooh! I'm gonna propose to Claudia!

(CHEERING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

So what you're saying is that I'm strong.

Not wanting to go on some casual date

while you're waiting for something real

is both strong and emotionally self-aware.

But mostly strong.

Yes, Mike, you're a big, strong macho man.

Well, you don't have to say that, Carter.

You know what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking, you know, maybe...

Maybe I'm just not meant to be married, you know?

We convince ourselves

that we can't live without someone else.

We can. Marriage is a big lie.

Please!

I'm looking at engagement rings here.

The whole idea of this scares me.

What, getting married?

Purchasing.

You know, Paul, you're supposed to spend

two months' salary on one of these things, not two weeks'.

Oh! And I just got a raise.

I knew it'd come back and bite me on the ass.

Can I help you?

Now, let me get this straight.

The less color a diamond has,

the more expensive it is.

That is correct.

Yeah, I'd like to see the red one, please.

That's a cufflink.

Buy the ring, Paul.

Okay, I'll take that one. No, no, wait, wait.

Not, not, I don't know...

Paul, Paul, you can do it.

No, I can't. I left my wallet at the office.

I haven't carried it around since 1973.

Which, coincidentally, is the last time you opened it.

See how easy this is, Paul?

Oh, Mike. Oh, Mike, thank you.

You're paying me back, Paul.

Oh.

So you firmed up your Valentine's Day plans yet?

Nope. I like to leave it for the last possible moment,

because if you think you'll end up doing nothing,

it makes it that much more exciting.

Nikki. Think of the build-up you've got going.

Hey, let's see the ring.

Mike's holding it hostage.

Look, the last time he borrowed money,

it took him six months to pay me back.

Mike, I just moved. I had expenses.

Times were tight.

Paul, it was $3.

Some flowers were delivered to a honey bunny, from Steve

Steve Lisk? Steve Steiner?

Steve Tanzer.

Oh!

When will he leave me alone?

I hate Valentine's Day. It is the worst.

Honey bunny is right.

It's just too painful.

When was the last time you were in love, Mike?

About six months ago, Laurie.

She dumped me. I was crushed.

I told her I never wanted to see her again.

Hi, Mike.

Apparently she still doesn't listen to me.

Come on, Mike. Six months ago you were in love with this woman.

And listen, sometimes a second chance, best thing in the world.

You think I should go for it?

Yeah. But go for it, you know, slowly.

What is that, Nike's slogan

for their new senior citizen cross-trainers?

Hi.

You find the coffee okay?

Yeah, the new girl's helping me out.

That's Stacey.

She's my assistant.

Well, she says if I hurt you again,

she's gonna find out where I live.

She's a good assistant.

Oh!

Cream in your coffee okay?

Yes, thank you very much.

Okay.

Oh, my God!

I'm just gonna leave you two alone.

Or I could stay.

So, Laurie. What...

What are you doing here?

In front of Carter?

He wants to stay. There's nothing I can do.

I'm very pushy.

I'm not really sure what I'm doing here, Mike and Carter.

Tomorrow's Valentine's Day,

and there's no one I wanna be with,

so I don't have a date for the first time in 18 years.

And I know that sounds really stupid,

but the streak was important to me.

Well, that's just shallow.

I really miss you, Mike.

How much?

Well, I don't really know how to answer that.

Give it a numerical value.

Eighty-two?

Wow!

This is gonna be like the worst Valentine's Day ever.

I am getting a million phone calls,

but no one has invited me to Skeet Eldridge's party.

I feel for you.

Nikki, that cute guy from Accounting with the kid.

Tell me it's Kevin, tell me.

Yes, Kevin. He wants you to call.

Yes!

He's hoping you can baby-sit for him tomorrow night.

You know, Stacey, if you wanna go

to Skeet Eldridge's party...

Well, you're really good friends with him,

and you'd love to take me. Yeah, right.

No, I'm not friends with him.

My sister was his neighbor for a while,

and I got to meet him. He's a good guy.

I'm not making up some elaborate lie

just to spend time with you.

I'm going, and if you wanna go, I'd love the company.

I would love that.

No problem.

Who's Skeet Eldridge?

I think relationships are a lot about timing,

1nd I don't think I was ready before, but now I...

Do you have to sit all the way over there?

Better?

Mike, I'm not gonna bite.

I may nibble a bit, but I...

No, there will be no nibbling, okay?

You, you just can't come back here

and, and, and snack on me.

Mike Flaherty...

Is an entree.

Mike, I couldn't make a commitment before

because I was just so proud of myself for being independent.

But now I realize you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

All right, look, Laurie.

When you walked out on me, I just swore

that I would never let myself be that vulnerable again.

You know, it's not worth the risk.

And if you can't deal with that,

hey, I understand.

But you are gonna have to throw out the first pitch this time.

I love you.

Nice pitch.

All right. You know, this... This is going too fast.

I just, I need a second to think.

MIKE: (THINKING) All right, be strong. Focus on the negative.

Look, she's cracking her knuckles.

You hate that.

Listen to how loud it is when she does the other hand

(CRACKING LOUDLY)

Uh, Laurie...

I'm sorry, but, uh, I just don't think this is

what I need in my life right now.

Make love to me.

Okay.

I had a wonderful lunch.

Oh, and here's your inhaler.

You know, it's so strange for you to be having

an asthma attack in the middle of February.

Well, maybe it's because you take my breath away.

Oh, Paulie. You are so romantic.

I know. It's a gift.

(INHALES)

Can't wait to make an honest woman out of her.

Show us how you're gonna propose, Paul.

Demonstrate on Nikki.

Okay.

Great. This probably won't do

any long-term damage.

You gotta get down on one knee.

Where's the ring?

Mike has it in his jacket.

Okay, okay. Forget the ring.

Just look into my eyes.

Those aren't my eyes.

Claudia, I know that you've been wanting to do this

for a long time and, I mean, you're not getting any younger, right?

So I figure what the hell? Here.

No.

Tough break, Paul.

Mike, do you remember how committed you were

when we were together before? I feel the same way now.

Really? Yeah.

Because I would have done anything for you.

I'm right there, Mike.

I would have given you unconditional love.

I can do that.

I would have let you play with my breasts all day.

That's what the weekends are for.

You know, Laurie...

I was ready to marry you.

Oh. What, are you trying to make me feel guilty? Come on.

You have any food?

I got a beer. I got, uh...

I got something the laws of chemistry

will no longer allow me to call a salad.

Oh, I got ketchup.

You're definitely a man.

Mmm! You tell the world, baby.

If you're really starving, I have... I have a mint

in my jacket pocket.

Wow, you weren't kidding.

The answer's yes.

What was the question?

Happy Valentine's Day.

Uh, Stuart. Look, I was kind of rotten yesterday,

and you're doing a really nice thing here.

so you have to understand,

I don't expect this from a guy like you.

I mean, you're the guy who named a website after me.

Staceysbutt.com.

You know, it's gone national.

So computer geeks all over America

are downloading pictures of my butt?

Yep.

I like that.

And you're welcome.

Where's Mike? I got $40 to put down toward the ring

You took that money from my petty cash jar.

Oh, I'll pay you back later.

This whole proposal thing is turning into a disaster.

That's why we are stepping in, Paul.

We've got the whole thing planned.

You're gonna propose at the press conference today.

Then tonight at home, you'll turn on the evening news,

bam, there you'll be, popping the question.

All you have to do is just go out there

and read the proposal that James wrote.

You've never been more eloquent.

Well, of course I'm eloquent. It's from my heart.

There's gonna be a band, balloons...

Wait. How much is this gonna cost me?

About the price of a nice dinner.

For one or two?

This really caught me by surprise, Mike.

You?

Knocked me off my feet.

Well, you know, you said yes so quickly.

You had it on your finger and called your mom

before I could exhale.

Oh, God, check out the rock, Mike. It's just...

Oh, I'm sorry. I, uh... Just came in

because I wanted to talk about how we should handle

the Washington Heights situation.

I was just bored.

CARTER: Hi, kids. Hi.

So, you guys do anything fun yesterday?

Uh, nothing big.

I gotta run. Happy Valentine's Day, guys.

See you later, fiance.

She used the "F" word.

What have you done?

She found the ring.

Everything after that was a blur.

You didn't tell her that you were just holding that ring for Paul,

that you had no thoughts of marriage whatsoever?

It didn't come up.

And to tell you the truth, Carter,

I mean, you know, I wasn't thinking about marriage then...

But, well, maybe I am now.

Well, you should be. You're engaged.

Mike, I absolutely must have the ring,

and I will not leave until you hand it over.

Fine. Give me the money.

I'll see you later.

Mike, this is not the way you decide

if you're gonna spend your life with someone.

You know what, Carter, I'll figure this out on my own, okay?

Besides, the last serious relationship you were in was four years ago,

and you're not even over that yet.

Hey, I am over Spence.

He left a message on my answering machine

the other night. Just called to say hi.

No big deal.

Hi.

What's he trying to say?

How am I supposed to...

Oh, yeah, you're a rock.

Right then, Mike, let me tell you

a little bit about marriage.

Sir, I met Laurie when she was your ex-wife's divorce lawyer.

Well, that about sums it up.

Remember, at the end of your proposal,

You have to say, "I love you, baby."

"Baby" is the band's cue.

Baby, gotcha.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen.

Before I take any questions,

I'm just gonna share the most important moment

of my life with you all.

Uh...

Excuse me.

Oh, no.

A three-alarm blaze has burned down

a low-income housing residence,

leaving nine families homeless, including seven children

and a baby.

(BAND PLAYING MUSIC)

No, no!

PAUL: Wrong baby! No! Wrong baby. No!

Wrong baby. No!

Will... Will you marry me?

Claudia, will you marry me?

Marry me, Claudia!

(CAR HONKING)

Excuse me, young lovers. Take your picture?

Well, we're not really young lovers.

Oh, come on, Stuey, please? Come on.

We'll have something to remember the night.

Stuey?

Yeah. The night I went to Skeet Eldridge's party.

I'm only kidding.

Take one of the both of us.

There you go. That'll be $45.

Oh, wait. Take another one. I wasn't smiling.

No, no, no! That one's fine.

(EXHALING)

You know, you look different. What is it?

Oh, you don't have your glasses on.

I didn't know you wore contacts.

I don't. My vision's not as bad as you think it is.

Stacey?

I'm over here, Mr. Magoo. Come on.

We're in the front of the line.

Hey.

We'll go in when we want.

Let's talk some more.

We're not on the list, are we?

Of course we are.

Excuse me, sir?

The (SLURRING) party's here.

Excuse me? Jones.

Miller. There we are. Chang.

Why don't you just try Bondek?

'Cause I never use my real name...

Bondek. Here it is. Party of two?

Come on in.

Let me see that. Hey, it's there.

Are you surprised?

It's just that... Scoot knows me as Chang.

Skeet.

Whatever. Whatever.

Check out the rock.

Laurie, about the rock.

The ring mechanic called...

And it needs to be realigned.

The ring is perfect.

You know what I see when I look into this ring?

I see our future.

I see our kids, I...

I see me growing old with you,

the man of my dreams.

You see all that in there?

Don't you?

Let me take a look.

Oh, wow. Look, there I am.

I have no hair.

So, Stuart, how'd you get us into that party?

(CHUCKLES)

I amaze you, don't I?

Stuart, I got us into that party,

And, yes, you do amaze me.

Hey, how'd you do it?

A friend of mine was helping throw the party,

and he told me that you weren't on the list.

Wow. Wow.

Busted.

Listen, Stuart...

You knew you could not get us into that party,

and you knew you were gonna make an absolute fool

of yourself trying to,

but you did it to spend time with me,

and that's really sweet.

Yeah. So are we gonna sleep together, or what?

That is definitely not a poodle named Tiffany.

That is a black lab named Rex.

Look at us. I see us fighting over which dog to get.

Oh, I see me winning.

No, I see me letting you think that.

I see us in couple's counseling. (CHUCKLES)

Can I ask you something?

How'd you know to say yes?

I looked into your eyes,

and I knew you were the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

You mind if I try that?

Uh, Laurie, I'm afraid I have to tell you something.

I never really proposed to you...

The first time.

Will you marry me?

Won't take any questions.

I'd just like to share

the most important moment of my life with you all.

Why did you do that?

This was supposed to be a big surprise.

I can't do it this way.

Claudia, there's something I have to say to you

face to face.

Yes, Paul?

There was this fire...

Whole families left homeless. Oh, and a baby.

Happy Valentine's Day.