Original subtitles

Michael?

(WATER RUNNING)

Michael?

MIKE: (MUFFLED) I'm in the shower, Mom.

Ready for brunch?

Um, not unless the restaurant

has an extremely loose dress code.

Mind waiting for me in the living room?

Not at all.

You don't still make those silly shampoo horns, do you?

No.

You know, since your father and I haven't been married

in a long time,

I'm gonna move his picture a little bit further away from mine.

Do whatever you want, Mom.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

I have double prints of everything.

I can't tell you how much fun I'm having on this trip.

Well, I can't tell you how much fun it's been having you here.

Hi.

Mom!

When you were little, you used to prance around naked

in front of me and beg me to dance.

Okay, you know what? Every psychiatrist in the city

just bolted right up out of bed.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay. Theme for today: Less is more.

James, I think it's great that you're from Wisconsin.

But in your speeches, less references to milking.

Paul, less telling the press,

"That sounds like something I should know."

And, Stuart. Less...

Just less.

I am sorry I'm late.

They set up metal detectors out there.

I mean, I'm used to being frisked,

but usually it's by a stranger on the subway.

I love the subway.

Sometimes in a crowded car,

if you position yourself just right,

when the train lurches...

Less, Stuart.

So why the increased security?

Paul, every government building in New York city

is beefing up its security.

See, that sounds like something I should know.

Of course you should.

The press has been milking this like a

prize-winning Guernsey.

Does no one here pay any attention to me?

Hi. Hey, Ms. Flaherty.

I found this gun lying in the hallway.

Yeah. That's part of a new program.

We're handing one out to every kid

who turns in a textbook.

Hey, uh, Stacey. You want to send Hank in here?

Oh, no. Go easy on Hank.

He's old, but he's still a good security guard.

Is it okay to wake him?

Just whisper, "the donuts are here."

I'm watching you guys run a city.

This is very exciting.

Yeah, sometimes I have to pinch myself.

All right, Mommy. Right here in the big chair. Come on.

Here we go. Okay.

Now let's do it just like we practiced this morning.

Okay. All right.

Okay. Who has the first order of business?

James. What was Mike like as a boy?

Very much as he is right now.

Of course, in the sandbox, he didn't wear a suit.

Slacks and a tie.

Okay, James, let's practice our ESP.

Do I want you to ask questions about what I was like as a boy,

or do I want you to concentrate on city business?

(INAUDIBLE STRAINING)

City business.

Ah!

That's uncanny.

Michael, don't be mean.

Hey, Mom, can I have a sidebar, please?

(WHISPERING) You're undermining...

I'm not undermining your authority.

Okay. Do you not understand the concept of a sidebar?

Yes, Mr. Flaherty.

Oh, Hank. Hey, are you missing something?

Shooter!

Relax, big fella. Here you go.

And, uh, should this ever happen for real,

that's the wrong guy to jump in front of.

You don't think going on a blind date is too desperate?

No. No.

A little.

I'd do it, too, if only my pride would let me.

Well, it's only lunch, you know,

and my friend said that he's in the entertainment business,

so he's got to be at least interesting.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

(PUPPET VOICE) Hello, Nikki.

This is Steve, and I'm Mr. Bungle.

Shake.

Mike, did you hear that the mayor of Miami

finally made good on our playoff bet?

I have waiting for me back at the mansion

a 100-pound crate of alligator steaks.

Well, you pace yourself, sir.

Uh, can I ask you a question?

Tastes like chicken, Mike.

Actually, I was wondering if you were free for lunch.

Um... Janelle?

Am I free for lunch?

Your schedule's wide open, Mr. Mayor.

Janelle, you see, the ear tug followed by the nose indicator

means get me out of this!

I'm sorry, sir, but you keep changing the signals.

Well, I... Sir?

Before you have Janelle bunt...

(CLEARS THROAT) I just had to cancel with my mom today,

and I was just hoping

you know, you'd be free to take her out to lunch.

Lunch with Macy. Oh, I'd love to.

Great. Hey, ma? Good news.

The mayor has volunteered to take you to lunch.

Oh, great.

Hi, Macy. Hi.

Of course, you could you know, still eat with me.

I'm eating with the principal of P.S. 205.

Well, what are they serving?

What is it, Wednesday? Beanies and weenies.

Can you beat that?

You like 'gator?

I'll make it up to you tonight, Mom.

Okay, Baby.

You know, it's amazing how well you two get along.

You know, if you have pictures of a boy

playing dress-up in his mom's closet,

you can pretty much get him to do anything you want.

(CHUCKLES)

I learned that my first year as an assemblyman.

Well, come on. Taxpayers' treat.

Besides, it'll be nice to have a lunch

that has nothing to do with business.

Yeah, well, actually, I was hoping we could talk about integrating

my company's software into your school system.

Wonderful.

I wish they would hurry up.

Mike's got a conference call in three minutes.

I really have to be at my desk!

You should make it no problem.

(BEEPING)

Unless someone planted a letter opener on you.

(SIGHS)

Don't you have something better to do?

Hmm... No. (SIGHS)

Look. I'm sorry.

You should make your conference call, no problem.

(BEEPING)

You wanna hurry it up? Some of us have work to do!

I don't have time for this!

Talk to him, okay?

Hey, I've never seen her before in my life. Oh...

You know, she looks dangerous.

What can I do?

Your job, man. For god sakes, stop her!

I said freeze! (GUNSHOT)

(ALL GASP)

Hank...

You're an animal.

I cannot believe he actually fired his gun.

I heard some poor guy standing near the candy machines got hit.

When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty,

I get shot.

Hey, Paulie. I heard you were wounded

defending the snack machine.

I'm sorry, Mike. You're gonna have to direct your jibe into my good ear.

(LOUDLY) He said he heard you were wounded...

(YELLS) I heard him!

I just had the best lunch date.

Oh, that's right. I heard you're dating a ventriloquist. Score!

You know, when I was a boy,

I made a small foray into the world of ventriloquism.

Why'd you give it up?

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Who says he did?

(NORMAL VOICE) What? Who said that?

I believe it was the great Paulo,

ventriloquist and dummy in one.

Hey, Hank. What you doing?

Clearing out my locker.

They fired me.

Why'd they fire you?

I shot Paul.

Why'd they fire you?

This is so sad.

Yeah. Poor Hank.

The man shot me in the head!

Stop being so dramatic.

Returning your mom, Mike, safe and sound.

Same condition you gave her to me.

Really?

What's this, uh... What's this stain on her blouse?

I told you he'd notice.

It's drawn butter. We went for seafood.

We had the best time.

That's good, 'cause normally the mayor

embarrasses everybody at the table

by complaining that his twin lobsters look nothing alike.

He did that.

And she laughed.

The first time.

Well, I'd better get back to work.

Thank you for lunch.

Honey, the mayor has agreed...

Hey, Mom, Mom.

What are you, walking around New York city in this?

It's cold out there.

You'll freeze to death if you don't button that coat up.

You wanna pin my mittens to me, too?

If I gave you mittens,

you would just trade them for candy.

The Mayor has agreed to buy my software

and put it in all the grade schools.

Mom, slow down. Okay? It's not that easy.

We're talking taxpayer money here.

We got to talk to other computer companies, take other bids.

Really?

Nah, you're my mom.

Oh!

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, thank you, honey.

I couldn't have done it without you.

You know, when your father ran off...

Mom, I... I'm not bashing. Okay?

I'm just saying that when he left me a shell of a woman,

it was you who helped me pick up the pieces.

You signed me up for those computer classes.

It was you who argued with the teacher

when he wanted to give me a "B".

Hey, we both know we wrote an "A" paper.

Yeah.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You were so funny tonight.

Oh, thank you.

PUPPET VOICE: Thank you.

You know what I just realized?

Between the show and the party afterwards

and the ride home, you have had Mr. Bungle

on your arm the entire night.

Why don't I just go ahead, and, uh, take him off.

(PUPPET VOICE) Watch... Watch your hands.

(SIGHS SOFTLY)

So... I really liked the comedy club.

What does it feel like having all those people laughing?

Good.

Well, I just loved it.

Well, here I am just yammering on.

You must be tired.

Not really.

So, you know what?

It's late... Um...

I should... I should probably just get going.

(PUPPET VOICE) Wait.

Nikki...

You have to understand that sometimes it's hard for...

(SARCASTICALLY) Steve...

To find the words,

but he would like you to know

that he had a wonderful time tonight.

Really?

In fact, he's never met anyone like you.

And if he could just get his heart to stop beating so fast

he...

Might be able to tell you himself.

Oh.

Steve...

All right!

Okay, Hank. We feel real bad about getting you fired.

What about the man who told me to stop you?

Who, Stuart?

He has trouble accessing his guilt.

It always comes out as laughter.

But we're not gonna leave you hanging.

Maybe we can help you get another city job.

What are some of your interests?

I like sitting.

And shooting people. Maybe you could be a sniper!

Would you stop it? He's a sweet old man.

I mean, he's somebody's grandfather.

Great-grandfather.

Oh, good for you.

He's adorable.

He's the devil!

You're the devil!

Oh... Stop it! I can't take...

Hey. This is a comfortable chair.

STEVE: (PUPPET VOICE) So, where are you from?

Wisconsin.

I'm sorry?

Wisconsin.

I heard you. I'm just sorry.

(SNORT LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)

Jeez, Nikki, uh...

We got a kid's birthday party to go up to uptown.

I'll see you around 7:00.

Okay. Bye.

Don't do it, don't do it.

(PUPPET VOICE) Bye, Nikki.

Hey, Nikki.

Is one of those guys your boyfriend?

I happen to like him, okay? He's funny,

he's talented, and I have it on good authority

he is making six figures.

Yeah, but don't forget.

He's splitting that two ways.

Did anyone here see my mother?

Wow. I know about a hundred jokes that start with that question.

I thought you were looking a little panicky.

Did you lose your mommy?

All right, easy to make fun.

My mom and I enjoy spending time together. Okay?

We don't have a lot of issues like other families.

A family without issues. I've heard of that.

They're called strangers.

We get along, okay? She's a great date.

In fact, if she were younger and not my mother...

Oh, yeah. No issues.

All right, I'll prove to you

how healthy our relationship is.

I will give her the option of spending the evening alone.

Of course, she'll laugh at the notion,

and we'll share a mother-son hug in your face.

Hey, Mom, how'd you like to spend the evening alone, you know, without me?

Okay.

You don't have to.

Oh, no, no. There's some things that I need to take care of,

but I didn't want to hurt your feelings,

so this'll be perfect.

Have fun.

Okay, honey. Bye-bye.

I'm sorry.

(THE WAY WE WERE PLAYING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I'm sorry to bother you this late, Mike, but...

Oh, you rented The Way We Were.

I love Barbra Streisand.

No, I, uh, fell asleep watching True Grit.

It must have switched over.

So this isn't a tape?

No.

Then why is it paused?

What do you want, Carter?

Oh, uh, bad news.

Jason Lane, the A.P.I. reporter,

has this picture of the mayor in a hotel lobby

giving $100 to a known prostitute.

If it wasn't for the halter top,

we could have said she was a bellman.

Bellmen never keep their tips there.

Why didn't you just call me with this?

Well, I didn't want to talk about it with Jason.

He's back in my apartment.

(SNIFFS) What is Jason Lane doing in your apartment at 1:30

in the... Morning? Never mind.

All right. Let's rally the troops.

Oh, and, Mike?

You never have to be ashamed of loving Barbra...

Not with me.

(INAUDIBLE)

Sorry to just drop by like this,

but you and I have to talk.

Okay.

No, wait, Steve.

This is what I wanted to talk about.

I... I just think that it's time

that we just took Mr. Bungle...

Out of the relationship.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

What the three of us had was very special.

But it's you that I like.

Everything that dummy thinks and says comes from you.

I know, but it's... Very hard for me to...

Let's... Let's just sit.

And... And if anything pops into your head

that Mr. Bungle might say,

you'll just say it yourself. Okay?

Okay.

Great.

Here we go.

(PUPPET VOICE) Let me out.

There are only two things I want to be doing after midnight,

and this isn't either of them.

So did this emergency get everyone out of bed?

No. I was at a club having a good time.

What?

Are you having this dream, too?

No!

Nice headgear.

(LISPING) Hey, Stuart?

Nothing you say...

Can be worse than the...

Shellacking... I received on the bus over here.

Um, James? Do us all a favor.

Stay away from words that start with "s."

Okay, People, here is our problem.

The mayor was caught handing money to a known prostitute.

And?

Someone explain to Stacey how things work outside of Brooklyn.

All right. You wanna pass that picture around?

Now what we need to do is...

(SIGHS)

Stu, you wanna keep that moving?

Oh, sorry, Mike.

Okay. What we need to do is

find her and the mayor before the press does.

Oh. We used to play a game like this at camp.

Well, I'll tell you what, camper.

You find 'em, and it's s'mores back in my cabin.

Okay. You guys... Upper East Side.

Upper West Side. Carter...

I know, Mike... The Village.

What should I do, Mike?

Why don't you see if you can...

Pick up whatever they're saying on the radio.

I don't see what's funny about having an overbite.

Well, you're the only one.

Hey, Ma. Open up, it's me.

Hey. Honey, you look awful.

Oh, sympathy from my mother.

Just what I was looking for.

You cannot believe what I've been through tonight.

I just spent the whole night

scouring the city searching for the mayor.

Hey, is that breakfast?

Oh, good.

There he is.

Hey, Hank. How's the job search going?

City has nothing for me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah. That's too bad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't be a stranger.

Actually, I found something that pays me better.

You lost me my job.

My lawyer says I have an open and shut case.

See you in court, sonny.

Wait a minute.

I'm being sued...

For getting shot in the head?

God bless America.