Original subtitles

Good morning, Mike. Morning, sir.

You all ready for the big book signing?

Are we sure that this is the best title for my autobiography?

Winston on Winston?

As long as there's not two guys on the cover,

I think we're okay.

Who'd we end up getting to ghostwrite this thing for me?

Uh, Jennifer Goldman, sir.

Remember, she hung out with you for a few months,

she asked you all those questions about your life?

I thought we were dating.

Well, I guess that explains why she stopped calling.

Great book, sir.

I wept openly.

I appreciate that, Stuart.

You haven't read it, have you?

You kidding? I fell asleep looking at the book jacket.

Hey, Mike, do you listen to Drew West in the mornings?

Radio guy?

He's a loudmouthed, offensive jerk

who taints the airwaves with his filth

and appeals to the lowest levels of society.

Yeah. So, do you listen to him?

Sometimes.

He is also signing copies of his new autobiography today.

Traffic's already backed up.

We gotta cancel the mayor's.

I think this city is big enough to support

two celebrity book signings on the same day.

Today's Wednesday, right?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm telling you, it went great.

The mayor signed over 200 copies of his book.

That's amazing.

James, when are you gonna learn

to listen to what he says?

The mayor signed over 200 copies.

He didn't sell any.

That's not true.

He sold over 150 copies.

Just to the people in this room.

Simple payroll deduction.

You won't even notice it.

Is the mayor upset?

No, because he realizes

it's just a momentary setback.

I've arranged to have his book reviewed

by a hand-picked political figure

Who will give us a favorable review.

And I'm honored, Mike.

But I pride myself on being a man of principle.

I can't guarantee a favorable review.

I'm gonna love it, aren't I?

NIKKI: I'm here, I'm here! Sorry, I'm late.

If you're gonna be this late without calling,

you'd better have a damn good excuse.

That's a damn good excuse.

Roller-blading accident?

I was running to catch a cab in my new high heels.

That happened to a buddy of mine.

We should turn on Drew West. He's talking about us.

DREW WEST: And how about the mayor's book signing?

I had more people there when I lost my virginity.

And I was alone!

Meanwhile, I even signed one of my books

for a member of the mayor's staff.

Oh, that guy will just make up whatever he wants!

Drew west is talking about me on the radio.

Hey, let's see what witticism Drew came up with.

"Dear Stacey, nice rack."

All right, what's the response?

Oh, I said thank you.

I know what we can do.

We could demand that he bring over

all his girls from his "Ask A Stripper" segment.

How is that gonna help us, Stuart?

I'm just saying...

It's something we could do.

Why can't we just ignore the guy?

That's a good instinct, James.

Most trivial nuisances in the world of politics

will go away if you just ignore 'em.

Mike.

Mike.

Mike.

Still, I can't help but feel that

we're missing an opportunity here.

This guy reaches thousands of potential voters

We could never reach.

Who cares? He's an over-bearing, unpredictable

sexist jackass.

Oh, and you're perfect?

I can use this guy.

I can turn this into a positive.

We'll put the mayor on his show.

Mike.

So, unless anyone has something to add...

PAUL: Mike.

...let's get going on this!

(SING-SONG) Happy water day!

Happy water day! (LAUGHS)

Why are you two so excited about a beverage?

Trust me. You don't want to miss this.

Good morning, ladies.

ALL: Good morning!

H2... Oh!

Would you look at that butt?

How often does he deliver?

For me, just about every time he walks through that door.

Excuse me.

Would you mind moving the jug over a little

so it's not so close to the file cabinet?

How's that?

Perfect.

I think we should celebrate water day a little more often.

There's been a mistake in our order.

We're supposed to have two of those.

Oh, it says here one.

Yeah, and now it says two.

Here's my review of your book, sir.

MAYOR: Oh, great.

"A fast-paced thrill ride."

"A spectacle the whole family will enjoy."

Paul, did you just take this stuff from movie reviews?

No, of course not, sir. No.

"Stallone is pure adrenaline."

Paul, did you even read my book?

Not exactly, no. No, sir.

No, I didn't want it to taint my objectivity.

But I'm gonna go read it right now.

After all, I understand I bought 75 copies.

Sir, did you get a chance to listen

to that Drew West tape I made up for you?

I don't need to, Mike.

I've done a lot of volatile interviews. Just fill me in.

Well, a lot of tough questions, a lot of bare breasts.

Think of it as topless Jeopardy!, sir.

And remember, when you're in there tomorrow, sir,

he's gonna say anything he can to rattle you.

Don't let him suck you in.

I'm unflappable.

What's your favorite sexual position, sir?

You're fired.

See, that's exactly the kind of question he's gonna ask you.

That's just the kind of zippy answer he'll get.

Well, that was refreshing.

I can't believe you refused to take your spanking, Mr. Mayor.

That's one of the perks of having a deputy.

Right, Mike?

I just pray you aren't naughty again, sir.

I think Mistress Tina here knocked a filling loose.

But I deserved it.

All right! The fun and games are over.

Let's get down to business.

So, Mr. Mayor, how did you and Mr. Flaherty get together?

Well, let's see, uh...

We met at a rally, and we really hit it off.

So we went back to my hotel room and...

(BUZZES)

Hey, hey! This is a family show.

We can't have that type of language.

We talked, Drew, we talked. He was gonna say we talked.

Anyway, when I told him that I admired his long...

record in public service...

Thank you.

He knew that I wasn't just stroking his...

(BUZZES)

...ego.

So, Randy!

What was the deal with your book signing?

You know, I heard that the only person to show up

was your ex-wife, and, uh,

she just wanted directions to my book signing.

See, she already knows the way to my house.

Yes, well, Helen always did love doing charity work.

Oh, I think I just got slammed by the mayor.

Helen used to love that, too.

Okay!

Gloves are off.

Mr. Mayor,

what's your favorite sexual position?

Well, that's none of your business.

But I hear yours is man on top,

woman in magazine.

And for those of you keeping score at home,

that's the mayor three, Drew West, nothing.

Ow!

He's on his way up with another bottle.

How do I look?

Desperate.

Jealous?

STUART: Of what?

The guy delivers water.

You know what you need to have on your resume to get that job?

Limbs.

Do you even know this guy's name?

I'm not sure.

I call him...

Damn!

So, after all the years women have fought

to not be objectified, you're doing it.

Meanwhile, this guy could be an idiot.

He could be mean. He could be...

Damn!

Hi, ladies. There's your water.

That's so sweet of you.

Thanks, um... Brent.

Thanks. Stacey.

Janelle. Nikki.

Carter.

Guess I should have spent a little less time in college,

a little more time in a quarry.

Duh, here's your water.

Does anyone know what the word "mercurial" means?

Quixotic.

You know, capricious.

Duh!

"Quixotic."

So, Mike, the mayor came off pretty well on Drew West's show.

The mayor was prepared. He was quick on his feet.

And since this was radio,

you're gonna have to take my word for it...

He was drop-dead gorgeous.

DREW WEST: I guess I could understand

how you'd be desperate for anything

you could call a victory around here.

Ah, Mr. West.

You're just upset 'cause you couldn't beat the mayor

even if he went down to your level.

Oh, and what level is that?

Best-selling author?

Nationally-syndicated radio host?

I was thinking loud, fat guy.

I'll tell you what, buddy.

I got a loud, fat challenge for you.

We accept.

You don't even know what it is yet!

Well, unless it's a pie-eating contest...

A phone-in election. Me against the mayor.

Let's see who the people of New York really want.

This is City Hall. We don't have time for this.

DREW WEST: Oh, what a cop-out!

But I don't blame ya.

I wouldn't run that stiff against me, either.

All right, okay. That's it. That's it.

Nobody insults the mayor

and then just waddles away.

You're on, buddy, and I will crush you.

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

Make sure you get my best side, fellas.

(REPORTERS EXCLAIM AND LAUGH)

For the record, that's not a rash.

He was spanked earlier today.

Sir, we've got 17 media events

scheduled for the next three hours.

That's once every 10 minutes, Mike.

It'll be like you're 18 again, sir.

We are getting national attention on this.

We win this baby, sir, maybe someday...

President, Mike? President Mike.

It's got a nice ring to it.

(HUMMING HAIL TO THE CHIEF)

PAUL: Oh, Mr. Mayor!

I finished your book.

As did I, Paul.

(SIGHS WEARILY) As did I.

I'm telling you, once I started, I couldn't put it down.

Your life is like a bag of chips!

Well, that's kind of you, Paul.

But don't you see this book is about missed opportunities?

Look at Chapter... Well, 7.

"Mary Lochlin."

My first true love.

She could have been the one for me.

Why would I just let her slip away?

Because as you said in Chapter 8,

your mother was lonely. She needed you.

Well, she would have been fine. She had the bottle.

Oh, Paul, I've just never been able to take chances.

Oh, no, no, no, sir.

That's not true!

Oh? Well, look. Page one...

"I was a cesarean baby."

Too scared to leave.

I just sat there...

Till they came in and got me.

So, ladies, which one of you got the date with Brent?

No one.

Yeah. We're gonna wait for him to ask us out.

Well, I'm gonna wait.

I don't know about you guys.

What is that supposed to mean?

I'm not saying anything!

Ladies, please. What are you doing?

You're letting a man come between you...

A damn fine man!

But still a man...

And no real guy

can live up to your expectations.

That is the beauty of the fantasy man.

He's pure. He's perfect.

He's whatever you want him to be.

Do yourselves a favor. Leave your dream alone.

Okay. You first.

Four Seasons. Silk sheets. Champagne.

He's wearing his uniform.

Secluded beach.

Full moon.

He's wearing his uniform.

Right here. Right now.

I'm wearing his uniform.

Oh, we shouldn't mess with this.

Let's just leave him the way he is.

Maybe we can call and get him back up here.

He's busy.

Apparently the girls from accounting

are pretty thirsty, too.

Sluts!

You know, I gotta be honest with you.

I don't listen to your show.

Will I still like this book?

Absolutamente, Reg.

Due West has something in it for everybody.

Yeah, my grandma was just asking me how to pick up a stripper.

Listen, what's this I hear about an election between

you and the Mayor of New York city?

I'll take that one, Regis.

Ah, Mike!

Look who's here, everybody.

Our old friend, Deputy Mayor Michael Flaherty.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Michael!

DREW WEST: Stop! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Time out! Time out!

This is my interview.

I'm sorry, Drew. I thought it was over

when I saw the audience running for the exits.

(REGIS LAUGHING) I, uh...

I can come back later if you like, Reg.

He's here to stay.

This is gettin' a little nuts, you know?

And I don't know what to do about it.

Let me leave it up to the audience

here in the studio, okay?

Who stays? Mike Flaherty, the hardest-working deputy mayor

in New York City history?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Or Drew West,

the man who called me television's answer to muzak

on his show last week?

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

Thought you didn't listen to my show, Reg.

Well, I lied, and your book stinks.

I'm not going anywhere. This is my...

I got five minutes. I'm using it.

I ain't goin' anywhere.

That's good, Drew, 'cause we got something special just for you.

Hit it, sir!

BOTH: ♪♪ How sweet it is

♪♪ To be loved by you

♪♪ It's like honey from the bee, baby

♪♪ How sweet it is

♪♪ To be loved by you

♪♪ And singin' with the mayor

♪♪ Oh, yeah

♪♪ How sweet it is

♪♪ To be loved by you

♪♪ 24.95, baby

♪♪ How sweet it is

♪♪ To be loved by you

KATHIE LEE: ♪♪ Available at your book store now

MAYOR: ♪♪ Yeah!

♪♪ How sweet it is

♪♪ To be loved by you ♪♪

We're still 500 votes behind.

I thought sticking around

and making homemade lollipops with Regis

was gonna put us over the top.

Have one of the sour apple. They're lovely.

Mike, why are you doing this,

running around town

making lollipops, getting spanked?

Little jealous, are we, Carter?

No.

I'm also not crazy about the win-at-all- costs attitude.

You must have been a real inspiration

to your high school football team.

I was an all-state halfback,

and no offense, but three of you couldn't take me down.

Why don't you just admit

that you're obsessed with winning, man?

No. 'Cause then you would win this argument.

I was born to win.

Were I to lose, it would basically

upset the balance of the universe.

But that's a good thing, right?

Because right now, my priority is helping the mayor win this election.

Mike, he's already the mayor!

This isn't about him. This is about you.

Mike! I got it, Mike.

I know how we can win this.

God bless you, Stuart. You have nude photos.

Of course I do, but that's not the point.

We cannot outsleaze this guy.

We have got to make this a contest about issues.

Did that sentence just come out of my mouth?

Carter, set up a rally site.

Stuart, round up all the usual suspects.

I'm gonna go prep the mayor.

I am gonna win this thing!

Not that it matters.

This is such a waste of time!

I feel like Sisyphus.

Who?

From Greek mythology.

The man's life's work was the fruitless task

of pushing the same rock up a hill.

(SHOUTS) Sisyphus!

Could you be any gayer?

Well, according to this, the pH level's fine.

Really?

'Cause I could have sworn it was a little too pH-y.

Well, if there's, uh, nothing else...

Would you mind demonstrating

how those taps work again?

One's hot, one's cold...

You know damn well how they work!

I'm tired of coming up here and parading around for you.

I can feel your eyes on me.

I have a mind, too, you know?

You go, brother. You don't have to take this!!

Come on, sweetie...

I'm not your sweetie.

I'm just trying to do my job.

You know, I'm tempted to file a complaint.

You'll have nothing but women

delivering water up here for the next 10 years.

Go ahead and you do what you have to do.

You three should be ashamed.

If it makes you feel any better,

I put up with this all day long.

New York is a cleaner,

happier, safer place

since I took office.

CROWD: (CHANTING) Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew!

True, true, true, true!

Look, we know you guys love Drew West.

But don't you also love New York City?

(CROWD CHEERING)

Don't you love that Mayor Winston

has reduced crime by 40%

and your taxes by 15%?

(CROWD CHEERING)

Don't you love that he cleaned up

all the sleazy smut shops on 42nd Street?

(CHEERING WEAKLY)

And moved them to Eighth Avenue?

(CROWD CHEERING)

This election is about...

(STAMMERS) Well, this election is...

is... is about...

I don't know what the hell it's about.

DREW WEST: I'll tell you.

(CROWD CHEERING)

I'll tell you what this election is about.

It's about the people of New York

loving me and not the mayor!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Naw, you know what it's about?

It's about you picking a fight with me

that I was too stupid to walk away from.

The only reason this guy is here

is because he loves being your mayor.

And there is nothing that he wouldn't do

to prove that to you!

Then jump in the Hudson!

You're out of your mind.

You said that there's nothing you wouldn't do.

So jump in the Hudson.

Jump!

CROWD: (CHANTING) Jump, jump, jump, jump!

You don't have to do this, sir.

It's time I started taking some chances in my life, Mike.

CROWD: Jump, jump, jump, jump!

Remind me, sir.

Did we actually clean up the Hudson,

or did we just say we were going to?

Take my hand, Mike.

Because we're a team, right, sir?

Because I'm not a strong swimmer.

CROWD: Jump, jump, jump, jump!

Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD CONTINUES CHEERING)

We won.

Still undefeated, sir.

Excellent.

I betrayed no emotion as I received the news of my victory.

Sir, is there a reason why you're narrating?

I'm just thinking

how my next book could start, Mike.

It's quite a responsibility

knowing everything you say or do

could be recorded for posterity.

It was at that moment that I realized

the responsibility of public office.

(SHIVERING) The mayor was...

making the deputy mayor nervous.

So, slowly...

he backed away...

and went home.

And then I was alone.