Original subtitles

Mike, uh...

You said I love you.

It's just hanging out there.

No, no, no. No, it's not.

There. It's all gone.

Do you, Mike?

Do you love me?

A little bit.

Look, Mike,

I told you

I didn't want a serious relationship.

I adore you, but...

I cannot make a commitment to you.

Well, I-I can't believe I'm saying this, but...

That's not enough for me.

Wait a second. Am I getting dumped?

Yeah.

I love you that much.

This was my favorite dress.

Now, it's my just-got-dumped dress.

I can't even wear this again.

Well, I was the, uh, dumper, right?

So,

I guess I'm okay.

I'd really hate it if you disappeared

from my life right now, Mike.

Um... Think you could handle being my friend?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I could handle that.

We could, uh, go to a movie sometime.

Friends do that. You know, dinner.

Friends do that, too.

Some sex.

Friends do that a lot.

Maybe even tonight.

Are you sure?

Oh, yeah, 'cause, Laurie, you know,

I just went through a bad break-up,

and, uh...

I could use a friend right now.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Good morning, everybody.

ALL: Good morning.

Mm! Janelle,

that's not how I like my coffee.

I know. It's how I like my coffee.

I'm the Mayor's assistant now.

So I guess you make him coffee now.

He drinks Tang.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, I gotta get a new assistant.

Can I get it, please?

Go nuts, Paul.

They're sending over some possible replacements today.

Ahem, I'll be happy to

"screen the applicants."

I'll be happy to...

"testify in the harassment suit."

PAUL: Hey, Mike.

You wanna serve stuffed mushrooms

or chicken fingers at the mayor's fund raiser tonight?

Ooh.

Surprise me.

Here's what I'm thinking.

Half mushrooms,

half fingers.

Genius.

Anyone want to hear some good gossip?

No gossip during the morning meeting.

You know that. NIKKI: All right.

But it is about someone we work with.

Meeting adjourned. Let's hear it.

A certain recently-divorced mayor of New York...

I'm not naming names...

I know who it is.

Don't ruin it for me.

...has been seen in the company of a young lady.

All right. Whoa. Stop right there, okay?

First of all,

the mayor just finalized his divorce two weeks ago.

That kind of thing would kill us.

Second of all...

Hey, everybody.

Look what I've got.

I can't believe I ran into him in a restaurant.

You know, he didn't say a word.

He just came up to the table, took my hand,

and we danced all night long.

You know, that's funny,

because when I met him,

same thing.

You are too precious.

Well, that's my job, advise the mayor, oversee the staff, and...

be precious.

James.

(CLEARS THROAT) This is Jennifer.

This is the mayor's, uh, niece.

I need you to give her a quick tour of City Hall,

and put her in a cab home pronto.

Mike, the mayor doesn't have any brothers or sisters,

and a niece means daughter of a sibling.

And pronto means fast.

He can't date her.

The tabloids will kill us.

Did you see that body? CARTER: Yes, I did.

And if I'm looking, you know we're in trouble.

Isn't she beautiful?

The Statue of Liberty, sir?

Jennifer.

(WHISPERING) Damn.

(SIGHS) It's been 29 years

since I've had a first kiss.

What were you doing 29 years ago, Mike?

Breast-feeding, sir.

I feel like I'm walking on air.

You'll have to excuse my exuberance,

but it's not easy meeting women

when you're the mayor, you know?

It's not like I can go

where any normal single guy would go to meet girls.

You know, pottery classes, produce section,

Vietnam war rally.

Well, those are still the big three, sir.

I'm happy for you. I mean, I really am.

It's just that when the public sees a recently divorced man,

uh, running around with a woman who is,

I don't know, let's just say for the sake of argument,

younger than him,

it might seem inappropriate, you know?

They might even jump to the conclusion

that he was seeing her

while he was still married.

I wish. (SNORTS)

I can probably figure this out.

It's just my unusually clever way of getting really close to you.

Yeah? You know what?

If you were really clever,

You would have had me tighten your cummerbund.

Damn.

Voila.

Wow.

I am really good looking.

You think I'm with you

for your personality? Hmm?

Laurie, if you remember,

you're not with me.

We broke up.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

You dumped me.

And I gotta tell you something.

I'm really enjoying it.

Uh, you sure you don't want to

dump me once more before your little fund raiser?

Unfortunately, I don't have time for that.

I do, however, have time

to dance.

You know, I could do this forever.

Forever, huh?

That's a big commitment.

I think I could, uh, go till the end of the song.

Yeah, what is it

about you and commitment?

What...

You ever stop and think

you know, maybe that might not be up to you?

You can't control how you feel about someone.

What happens

when you meet that guy

you just... You can't get enough of.

You know, that guy who just... who just knocks you off your feet.

Well, if that guy comes along,

I'll have to change my tune.

(STAMMERS) I'm sorry.

No, no. I didn't mean me.

I meant some guy in the future.

Future guy.

He'll pick you up with his jet pack.

Mike, (STAMMERING) I don't know what to say.

Look, it's my fault, okay?

I mean that, all this time

I thought, you know, you weren't ready to love someone,

and now I realize, you just...

you just don't want me.

Mike, um...

Don't feel sorry for me, okay?

And don't look at me like that.

Don't feel sorry and don't look at me.

Don't feel, don't look.

(DOOR CLOSES)

And don't go.

Mind if I get in?

Oh, no, sure.

You want to be careful, though.

The car seems to be spinning uncontrollably.

Are you okay, Mike?

Oh, yeah.

I was just sitting here trying to figure out

why they call this a wet bar.

Mm. Whoop.

(LAUGHS) Well, there you go.

How are you doing?

I'm a little confused.

Me, too.

I mean, you're just bopping along,

and suddenly everything gets so complicated.

You're not gonna believe this.

I was just bopping along, too.

You ever feel like you're meant to be with someone,

and you just don't know how to make it happen?

Like something happens and it's magic,

and then it just keeps getting bigger.

And you know you shouldn't do something,

but you just can't stop yourself.

Okay, what just happened?

I know it's wrong, Mike,

but what am I supposed to do?

I mean, look at you.

You're so cute.

Oh, no, that's the tux.

It's the tux and the limo.

And a little bit of this.

See, you're funny, you're smart.

You're just the type of guy I could fall for.

And I've been thinking about you all day.

You know, I think that's...

that's enough.

(SIGHS)

All day?

90 words a minute, huh?

Hm. Must make a lot of mistakes.

Do you have a manual typewriter?

No.

So you fix 'em.

"Applicant disrespectful to superior."

Well, Miss Speedy Fingers,

it says here that you were let go

from the Department of Public Works.

I'm sorry. That's strike two.

We were down-sized.

Here, a letter of recommendation from my ex-boss.

"Stacey Paterno was the best secretary I've ever had."

Well, we'll have to have this authenticated.

Here's one from Al Pacino.

You have a letter of recommendation from Al Pacino?

He's from the neighborhood.

My sister fooled around with his mechanic.

She is so lucky.

I loved him in Scent of a Woman.

Hoo-ah! Yeah.

Hoo-ah, everybody! Hoo-ah!

Yeah, yeah, that never gets old.

Now...

About the job...

Will you look at the time, huh?

One minute after 7:00.

I'm sorry. We're not allowed

to interview anybody after 7:00. Union rules.

Why don't you call tomorrow, set up an appointment?

Who do I call?

Well, that would be me.

If I'm gonna call you, why can't I just set it now?

Because it's after 7:00.

"Applicant slow to learn."

Why, this is a pleasant surprise.

Well, I just stopped by to say "hi."

And "bye."

(SIGHS)

Mike, my boy,

I am smitten.

Do you have something in your mouth?

Earring.

For luck.

I don't think it's that bad.

I really don't.

She was the aggressor. You fended her off.

I may have slightly exaggerated the fending off part of the story.

It was an innocent kiss.

As long as your tongue didn't leave your mouth area,

I think you're safe.

Oh, Mike.

I just... I've over-thought this thing.

You have a great instinct for this stuff.

You tell me what to do.

I swear to you I will do it.

Fine. Tell the mayor the truth.

What are you, nuts? That would crush him.

I couldn't live with the guilt.

And I want to tell you something,

You're horrible at this.

(SIGHS)

Well, I do have another idea,

but it's a little far-fetched.

I don't care. I'm desperate.

All right.

You're gonna have to get your hands on a time machine.

If I have to,

I'll take you down with me.

I'm just having horrible luck with women these days.

Mike, come on. You were tipsy, you were vulnerable.

It could happen to anyone.

Yeah, well, it wouldn't happen to you.

(SIGHS) Well,

it's not because I'm moral.

It's because I'm gay.

Why can't I be gay?

Well, let's start with your shoes.

Why, Paul?

Why are you doing this?

Because when I am behind this desk,

I'm in the loop.

I like the loop.

How does Mike feel about it?

I don't know.

But you'd have to go through me to find out.

Oh, Mr. Lassiter, it is so nice to see you again.

Don't bother, sweetheart.

The job's been filled.

No, but that's not possible!

Yes, it is, but... Oh! Please,

don't handle the figurines!

I was the first one here today,

and the last one here last night.

No one could get in.

People sneak in.

So, what's she like?

Who?

The new assistant.

Is she smarter than me?

Cuter clothes?

It's a he.

And he's quite the looker.

Janelle.

You think there's any way

you can find me a good florist here in New York City?

I'm almost sure of it, sir.

She's a miracle worker.

I appreciate you boys coming up here.

It's been a long time since I've done any courting.

I'm afraid I'm a little rusty.

Uh, for starters, sir, you might not

want to call it "courting."

All right, then. (CLEARS THROAT)

What am I doing?

I'd say you're trying to get some.

Well, how will I know when I've, um,

got it?

Oh,

you'll know.

Yeah. James, is it politically correct nowadays

to ask a woman you've just met

uh, out to dinner?

Well, sir, dinner can be considered a little aggressive.

Uh, sometimes it's better to take her out for drinks.

I agree with James. Get her tipsy.

Knocks down her defenses.

Stuart, he's the mayor of New York.

I'm pretty sure he can get women

without rendering them unconscious.

Not if he listens to you, Captain "No Rap."

(STUART AND JAMES ARGUING)

(SHOUTING) Janelle, how are we doing on those flowers?

(VOICEMAIL BEEPING)

(AUTOMATED VOICE) You have no messages.

(LONG BEEP)

(BEEPS) No messages. No messages. No messages.

No messages. No...

(GRUNTS)

Um, Mike?

Ah!

(YELLS)

What are you doing here?

The door was unlocked.

I had to see you.

You know, nothing, uh, can happen between us.

Okay? I think I made that quite clear in my fax.

I just thought you might have a harder time saying no

to my face.

Uh, those aren't your face.

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Mike, it's Laurie.

Oh, you're kidding me.

Doesn't anybody call anymore?

You know, this is why I have no messages.

Do me a favor. Hide, okay? Thanks.

Here you go.

Uh, thanks.

Hey.

Uh...

I... I came by to get my stuff.

Uh, yeah. Can I just mail that to you?

It's, uh,

really great to see you.

Oh, I forgot my toothbrush.

(STAMMERS) You know where it is? It's in the night stand.

Is this it?

I'm really sorry it had to end like this.

Me, too.

Okay, this is not my toothbrush.

Hi.

Is that it?

You know, I can't believe I spent the last 24 hours

feeling miserable about what I did to you.

Apparently I could've been dating too.

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Mike, it's the mayor!

Mayor Winston!

Why wouldn't it be?

I need some advice.

Jennifer won't return my phone call.

Is it so hard for you women to pick up the phone?

No, no. Look, Laurie, you just... you don't understand.

Oh, I think it's pretty clear, Mike.

Oh, Miss Parres.

Mike, you're not wearing any pants.

Uh, just on my way out to buy some, sir.

Would you care to join me?

JENNIFER: Mike, it's okay.

I don't want to hide this any longer.

Oh, Lord, here goes the coat again.

Excuse me, sir, uh, can I have a minute of your time?

Sure, of course, I've got plenty of time.

Come in, sit down. What's on your mind?

How ya doin'?

Look, I know that I apologized to you last night,

but I thought, you know, heck, I should do it once with my pants on.

Apologize for what, Mike?

I didn't leave the mansion last night.

Just want to pretend it didn't happen?

Pretend what didn't happen, Mike?

God, I love being a guy.

You know, Mike,

they're closing

the last Woolworth's here in the city.

20 years ago women used to flock to that store.

Now they don't think it's flashy enough.

It's too old-fashioned. It's obsolete.

I drove by a Woolworth's last week.

There were a lot of ladies clamoring to get in.

Blue hairs, Mike.

They're there to buy yarn.

Woolworth's is a classic.

And quality never goes out of style.

As far as I'm concerned, any woman who doesn't know that,

shouldn't be allowed in the store.

But that store was married to one...

customer for, uh, 25 years,

and then this new customer,

uh, was the first shopper to, uh...

(SIGHS) Ah, to hell with it, Mike,

I'm talking about me.

I figured that, sir.

That's why you're the undisputed king of the metaphor.

A crumbling brick building.

I was just too old for her, Mike.

Sir, you're not old.

You're mature. (SCOFFS)

And women love mature.

Do you know how many women have told me

to come back when I'm mature?

Look, sir, I, uh...

I can't tell you how sorry I am for what I did.

I forgive you, Mike.

Besides, I'm already over her.

Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

(STIFLES SOB)

That's what she used to call me.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Mr. Flaherty?

I'm here to interview

for the assistant position.

I hope it's not too presumptuous,

but I made you a cup of coffee.

Thank you... Stacey.

I don't know how hot it is, though.

I've kinda been going door to door looking for you.

People in this building are so nice.

This is the mayor, uh, Mayor Randall Winston.

Wow! (GIGGLES)

You are so handsome in person!

Thank you very much.

You know, my mother is gonna die

when I tell her we met.

She has a huge crush on you.

Well, she's probably an older woman.

No! She's 38!

She has you on her Wall of Fame

between Sting and Mel Gibson.

Well, that's amazing.

Mike, who are those people?

Elvis and Bogart, sir.

Well, "Here's looking at you, kid."

Okay, stop now, I'm gonna blush.

Mike, who is this charming woman here?

Sir, this is my, uh, my new assistant.

MIKE: You are so hired.

Thank you.

Mike and I talked, and, uh...

I don't think we're going to be

seeing a lot of each other for a while.

So, um, I guess I just wanted to say good-bye.

Wow.

We're really gonna miss you.

(WHISPERING) I'll still see you.

No. You won't.

Listen, can you guys

tell Mike that maybe someday when, um,

I'm looking for the same things he is...

We can't do that.

He'd be clinging to strings.

Yeah, I... I guess not.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Laurie, um, were you...

Yeah, yeah, I was, but, um,

I gotta go.

Okay.

Uh, see you around.

I'll see you.

Well, that went well.

Did she mention me at all?

MIKE: You know, 'cause even if she just, uh,

talked about me a little bit

that means I still got a shot.

So did she?

Sorry, Mike. (CLEARS THROAT)

You didn't come up.