Original subtitles

[UK-ms flamgllflnn.

- Before we begin,

I just want to ask you to turn off your phone.

I say that 'cause I was at a movie recently,

and the guy next to mo answered his phone during the movie.

And he answered It by saying- and I quote-

he said, "Who dis?"

Which moans, not only was he witting to talk to someone;

He was witting to talk to anyone.

He didn't care who It "das."

Thanks.

I'm not sure what the past tense of "dis" ls,

but he did not care who It "das."

I'|n gonna toll you a story, and-and It's true.

I always have to tell people that because, inevitably,

someone will come up to me, and they'll be like,

"Was that true?"

And I'll b0 "KO, "Yeah."

And they'll be like, "Was It?"

I don't know how to respond to that.

Like, I guess I could say It louder, you know,

like, “YOGIII”.

They'd be llke, "It's probably true.

He said It louder."

- Oh, God.

- Oh, are you okay?

-Yes, yes.

- It all started when my girlfriend Abby and I

decided to move In together.

I wasn't entirely sure It was the best Idea.

- Hardwood floors, lots of room.

- My apartment now Is only slightly blggar than my body-.

- So this ls better?

- Yeah, yeah, this ls better.

- Good.

- It's so dark In here, so m can paint.

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Well, If you llke It, you should act quickly,

because this will go today-.

- Well, I love It.

Matt, do you love It?

Do you-what do you want-

- I-woll, I moan, do you think we should see other places,

or are we rushing here?

- 'Van-u.

"M!!!"

-Mm?

Yeah.

- WO'II Mk6 It.

- Good. Let's fill out...

- I just didn't feel llke my llfe was on sure footing.

You know, Abby was always

the more focused of the two of us.

Abby was teaching these vocal workshops

at a studio In Brooklyn, and her students loved her.

Meanwhile, I was trying to be a comedian,

which was not going so well.

When I was a kld, I wanted to be a comedian,

a rapper, or the owner of a pizza restaurant

where third graders could hang out.

I didn't realize that instead of being a comedian,

I would end up just working at a bar

where they have comedy.

- Like, over time,

I've learned to become more realistic about my goals.

Like, over time, for mo,

the dream has one from getting famous doing comedy

to making a living doing comedy

to finding $20 In the street.

I feel like that's way more realistic...

- So It wasn't going too well.

But I kept telling myself that It was,

because you- I think, to be a comedian,

you have to be a little bit delusional.

Particularly starting out,

there's just so much failure.

And amidst that failure, you have to tell yourself,

"It's going quite nicely."

Because If you didn't, you would just never got onstage again.

You'd be like, "I guess human beings don't like me."

That's a hard reality to face.

As a matter of fact, there are a lot of realities

I have a hard time facing.

But we'll get to that later.

"HOW"

- HI-

- I, uh—I packed the blue thln

and than the pink thing that goes under It.

- Perfect.

- And I got you these.

They didn't have unsalted,

so I flow to Africa and got you those, specially-.

- Thank you, Abby. - That was a great class.

- Oh, bye, Martin. Thanks.

Thanks.

Listen, the class was not-

- Really? That guy seemed happy-.

And could you sign that?

That's for Janet.

They have a whole section now

for "Your Sister's Engagement Party" cards.

- Wow. Thls ls really specific.

- Yeah.

I was gonna cross some stuff out. You know...

Noah?

- No mention of divorce rate or-

- Do you want me to write that In?

- [Yeah, you could write It In. - Talcum]

- To Janet and Phlllp.

- Last year, my younger sister Janet got engaged.

That's Janet.

And those are my parents.

- You know, marriage ls like...

Well, you know, It's llko this cake, you know?

“Than you first bite Into It,

you can't Imagine anything better,

and you oat, and you oat,

and then maybe you've had enough cake.

- My mom seems to drive my father Insane.

She always wants to add one more thing.

- Ooh, and one more thing.

- But It's rarely anything that deserves to be one more thing.

- I got the cake on the Internet.

- You're next.

Oh, yeah, just look around, man.

All of this Is— It's coming your way, baby-.

Batter up.

- Oh, she's beautiful.

Look at her.

She's a keeper.

- Phlllp proposed to Janet 2 years after they met.

Dtwasl 'Wynn.

It was almost 3.

- 2 'U2 years after they met.

- Very sweet.

- It was so sweet.

And, boy, they've come a long way since then,

because Janet told me

that at the end of their first date-

- Mom, you don't have to tell that story.

That's not necessary.

- Phlllp said, at the end of their first date,

"Good night, Gina."

And her name ls Janet.

- He didn't know her name, honey.

- Linda, what are you talking about In there?

- Oh, Frank, we're talking In hero.

You ought to join us.

- Well, I know her name now.

I only call her "Gina" In bod.

- You can't say that.

- Just tall ma, what are you talking about?

- Phlllp knows Janet's name!

- Matt, how long have you and Abby been together?

' HUN-fight years.

- Eight years.

- I don't remember It beln so Ion.

That's silly. That's ridiculous.

- I used to save everything.

Liston to this small that you sent mo sophomore spring.

I actually printed these.

- That's very generous of you.

You're very etlngy with toner.

Oh.

- Aw...

"Matt, my parents want mo to go to law school,

“but I'm like, 'ililhatever.

I'|n gonna move to New York with my band.“

- Oh, yeah, and than that band will break up,

and then I'll have another band,

and than that band will break up,

and than I'll teach—.

Oh, my God.

Ahl.

' Shh' Y°""'° Gonna wake up "IV Pflrents.

"You're a keeper."

- Right. - And what does that imply?

That you're gonna do a hook out oi my mouth

and throw me back?

They're gonna let me live?

- Oh...

Here.

And Uncle Max ls so subtle

with that whole, "You're next," thing.

It's just llke, these people just have no lives, you know?

I moan, you don't want to et married, rlht?

- [exhalfll.

Are you asking?

- No, I...

-Then, no, I guess.

- Abby, there's a Jackal In the room.

Hum“

Abby, there's a Jackal In the room!

-What?

- There's a Jackal, right there.

- There's no Jackal.

Come back to bed.

- What's going on?

- There, there.

- Matthew?

There's a Jackal.

- That's-there's no Jackal, Matthew.

That's the hamper.

Go to bed, sweetie.

"There's a Jackal In the room," right, son?

"Sweetheart, wake up. There ls no Jackal.

Wake up."

- I think they get It, Mom, yeah.

- Oh, on, and he's In tun, like,

little karate pose, so sweet, In the comer.

And he didn't even take karate, though.

- Hey, Matt, you were no belt In karate, I believe?

- That's what It was.

- How are you atkungiu? - Pretty good.

- Dad, what are you doing?

- How long has this sleepwalking been going on?

- No, Dad, you're gonna get another heart attack If-

- Calm down. - Oh, hush, hush.

- He doosn't care.

- You know, I work with some physicians

over at the hospital who specialize in sleep disorders.

I could make a referral.

- That might be really helpful.

- I don't think It's that serious.

You know, It's only happened once.

Probably just a fluke.

- Well, It's something to keep an eye on.

Abby, can I count on you to tell me If It happens again?

Thank you.

This bacon is delicious, honey.

Really greasy-

Tum right on Horse Neck Road.

- You need money?

- No, Dad, I have a job.

- Why Is that funny?

- Well, you need some goddamn reality testln.

You need a car?

- No, I don't really drive.

- Right.

You could have this car.

We're giving It up.

- I don't know.

What do you think, Abby?

- Oh. Matt, uh...

- No, no, no, I—.

- No, take It.

- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.

Arenas okay?

Is something wrong?

- Matt, I'm not saying

I need to get married right new or anythln.

Just-the Idea that I spend all of my tlme with a person

who can't even imagine that as a possibility is just weird.

- I know what you moan.

What can I say?

She was right.

But at this point In my llfe,

I mean, I was figuring out some really basic stuff like:

What am I gonna do with my llfe,

and where do you buy cereal?

You know?

I mean, I never thought of marriage ae a goal.

Llke, I never looked at my parents' marriage

or really anyone who'd been married more than 30 years

and thought, "I got to get me some of that."

But Abby was the greatest person I'd ever met In my llfe.

I fell for Abby from the moment I saw her.

She had this big, beautiful smile.

Like, it seemed like her teeth were bigger than her head

but In a sexy way.

So I built up the courage to say...

HQY'

a FEW.

- H just wanted to say,

I really was moved by your performance

just, like, on every level.

- Almost sounds creepy.

- No, I meant It In some of the creepy ways.

I kept running Into her on campus...

HQY'.

Because I was following her.

- Matt. - Matt. Matt.

“H”! Abby'.

- Hey, Matt, right?

- Yeah.

And I'd see her, and I'd say...

H07, are you free, like, this weekend?

She'd say no, which was hot also,

'cause I knew she was sensible.

- No, really, we're arranging four new sons,

and they all need rehearsal...

- Eventually, I threw her an off-speed pitch.

I said...

Do you want to go to church sometime?

-What?

- Well, I haven't been to church since I was, llke, ten,

but there's this nlce chapel here on campus,

and I was thinkin, If the date doesn't go well,

maybe we'll get something out of the homily.

- ♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

- Abby actually had to convince me

to have sex for the first time.

- I think I really want to.

- Yeah.

- Get out of here!

- SOFTY-

- She decided we'd go to a bed-end-breakfast,

because nothing alleviates

the fear of sex for the first time

like a really elaborate plan.

It was, like, a reversal of those '80s high school movies

where the girl is like, "Devin, I cant".

And Devin': Like, "But you can."

She was Devin, and I was Molly Rlngwald.

I think falling In love for the first time

ls such a transcendent fooling.

You know, It's Ilka eating pizza-flavored Ice cream-.

Your brain can't even process that level of joy.

[]

- Is there anyone else?

Yeah?

Yeah? Come on.

[]

- Ililhoo!

- Uh, I was thinkin about Cookie Monster, you know?

And I was just thinking, like, do you think he-

this guy has an eating disorder?

Like, all he oats Is cookies,

and he doeen't even have a throat.

You know, llko, he's only fooling himself.

Um, and I was-

like, I was thinking about stick Insects, you know?

And, like, If I were an Insect...

I'm not an Insect. Like, I know that.

But, like, If I were an Insect, llke,

I'd hate to be a stick Insect

'cause all the other Insects

are always, like, bumping Into you

'cause they don't know you're there,

"and you got to just be like, 'Watch It."

And they're llke, "Yeah, you look llke a stick."

And you're just like, "Yeah, I have eyes."

And they're llke, "Yeah, they were closed.

More sticks."

That's all the jokes I have.

[]

- Whool Whoo-hool

[]

- That was amazing. - Yeah?

- That was a comedian.

- I really feel Ilka our whole lives,

no matter how low our self-esteem gets,

there's some part of us that thinks,

"I have a secret special skill that no one knows about."

And eventually, we meet someone who's like,

"You have a secret special skill."

And you're like, "I know. So do you.

Let's eat pizza-flavored Ice cream together."

And that's love.

It's a mountain of pizza-flavored Ice cream.

And delusion.

- You had a nice, big wedding?

- Yeah, It was really beautiful.

- You guys grow up together?

- You could soy so.

We lived in the same borough.

Like, one train ride away.

- So Tommy's a good-looking guy, huh?

- Well, I think so.

- You think It was love at first sight?

- Oh, absolutely, yeah.

- Tommy, what's your favorite thing about Tammy?

- I like how Tammy's beautiful on the outside.

When you get to know her,

you realize she's beautiful on the Inside.

- Wall, I didn't know what Prince Charming was

until I met Tommy.

And now I know what Prince Charming is.

Honey, did you record this?

[slghfll.

- She could just like those shouts.

- I don't think anyone likes those shows.

- I like those shows.

. On, sorry-

- H don't know.

Sorry. Could you hold this?

- Yeah.

- I just don't understand what the bl deal ls.

Right, Ilka, I— I don't know.

I just had always assumed

that you guys would got married, you know?

She's amazing.

- I think that's the problem.

You know, It's llke, that's how Mom and Dad feel,

and that's how me and Abby': Friends feel.

Like, I think everyone thinks the best thing about my life

ls my girlfriend.

- It's-you're- you're gonna be flno.

It sounds to me llke you just need a little space.

- Yeah. - No, you're probably right.

- You guys should take a breather.

- What does that even mean new?

I moan, ls It-llke, she has sex with some straner?

- Yes. Probably.

That's unbearable.

- Yeah, but-no, but you would never know about It.

- That's worse. - I know.

- Right?

No, do people ever take, like, a “no sex“ breather?

Is that something that people could do?

- No. - Do people have that?

- No, I don't think anyone has that.

- No? Okay. - No.

- You should- you should talk to her.

Bring It up with her. See what she says.

- Yeah.

No, I— Yeah, I'm gonna do...

- Any wealthy people with us tonight?

Any ultrarich millionaires?

I doubt It.

I've actually begun dipping a few of my own toes.

In the financial waters.

I've discovered I can tum $1,000 Into $420.

In loss than a week.

I have the rest of my money In one of these online banks.

Anyone also have money tled up.

In one of these shady lnetltutlone?

- Are you okay, Pandamlllo?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

- He!-

- You okay?

- Yeah. Just...

I was just talking to Janet and-uh, today.

She-she had this thought.

- Oh. What was the thought?

- ' "0"..-

Um, well, she was saying that-

- Can I get a Jameson rocks?

- Yeah, yeah.

Great set.

I, uh-I'm a comedian as well.

I perform here sometimes.

- Jameson...

- Oh, sure.

Anyway. It's, uh...

She just had this thought where she was just llke—.

- Nay. 0w...

- Hey!

- HOIIOI

- There's our guy.

- So adorable.

- Yeah. - HI, Butler.

Nice boots.

- Hey, can we get a couple free drinks?

- Yes. Yeah, no.

- Actually, guys, you know,

Matt and I were gonna have a little talk,

so maybe we could just talk for a second,

and I'll come right back.

- It's no big deal, you know?

- You guys having, like, a talk-talk?

Like a Cosby talk?

- No, no, no. - It's not a big deal-.

- Well, ls It the, "Theo getting bad grades In school" talk

or the “Vanessa dating for the first time“ kind of talk?

- Yeah, I think It's neither.

But we can talk later.

- No, It's fine. - We can talk now.

Just give me a second. Here.

- Yeah, totally. - No, we'll welt over there.

- Okay. - Bye.

. Anyway-

- Pandamlgllo, we're still waiting on Terrence to show up.

- You want to do five? - Yeah.

- I'|n gonna bring you on now.

- Okay. Sure.

Um, oh, we can talk later.

- Okay, have a good set. - All right.

- You may have seen this next guy

crushing mlnt Into your mojlto.

Please welcome Matt Pandamlgllo.

[]

- Thanks.

Um, I was watching TV the other day,

and I was watching The A-Team.

And I—you know, sometimes I feel llke these guys

aren't even trying, you know?

Like, I feel like If you're on the run from the law,

you might want to go easy on the gold chains and feathers.

Like, maybe take the red stripe off the van.

Just a couple Ideas.

- So he thought there was a Jackal In your hamper?

- Ne, he thought the hamper was a Jackal.

-On.

Okay-

- It was this really-

It was really stressful, though, that weekend-

his parents and relatives and everything.

Just kind of a weird time, I guess.

- Well, you need to get you one of these guys, huh?

Thafll fix everything, right, Petey?

- Oh, yeah, sure.

Noah?

- No, yeah.

I don't know If I'|n ready for one of these.

I don't know If Matt ls either.

- Oh, come on.

Just tell hlm Butler needs buddies.

- Yeah, I could say that.

Butler needs some buddies.

That-I would never say that.

- Please welcome Terrence Bailey, everybody.

Terrence Bailey.

HQY'.

- He!!!

Yayl You were great!

- Oh, did you guys watch? - Uh-uh.

We heard those jokes In college, though,

and they were funny then.

-Ah.

Um, let me grab your empties.

- Uno mas, monsieur.

- Thank you, bartender.

- Gracias.

- "What happened after dlnnefl".

"We went back to my place."

"Yeah. Then what?"

"Ah, started making out."

"Yeah! Then what?"

- Hey, man.

I was just-I was just onstage.

Just did my set.

- This business Is Insane, psychotic.

What's your name again? Mick?

- Matt.

- Ilack, I'm out there onstage kitting, right?

- Yeah.

- Meanwhile, I got friends out In Hollywood,

terrible comics, the worst,

lust leaking this derivative,

pandering comedic pus, you know?

But they're on sitcoms.

- Sure.

- They have infinity pools.

They're taking flying lessons.

I know a guy with a Vilflle Ball stadium-.

- Yeah. - Used to work here.

Now he's got a Wlffla Ball stadium as a backyard.

It's malignant.

- Yeah.

I know what you moan.

- You see that woman over there,

that mess with the red roller suitcase?

- Yeah.

- That's my agent, Colleen Ueeleee.

- Right.

- I told her, "Get me out of here.

Got mo on the road. Got me some gigs out there."

Comes back to me with six gigs spread across flve states.

$150 a night.

- Mm-hmm.

- Pathetic.

- Hey, Ian, hl.

- Hey, Colleen, how are you?

Thanks a lot for those gigs last week.

- Hey, no problem.

- Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go.

Maybe I'll glvo you a buzz tomorrow.

- All right. - Thafll be nice. Okay-.

- Hey, Em Matt.

- Hey, Matt.

- How are you?

- Good.

H saw you onstage.

- Yeah. Cool. Cool.

- Yeah.

- Well, yeah. My.

If there's ever any, like, small gigs or—.

Or anything really klnd of- I'm around, just so you know.

- Yeah, well, how much time can you do?

- I don't know.

Probably, like, 15 minutes or so.

- And he's great at hosting.

He hosts here all the time.

And colleges- do you ever book colleges?

- A few, yeah.

- Yeah, he's great with college students.

They love hlm. They flnd hlm very relatable.

- Well, hero, Matt.

Call me when you have-

when you want to alt down and talk.

. ORGY-

Great.

- Yeah? See you. Bye.

- Pandamlgllo, we got a situation In the bathroom-.

You're gonna need the fuzzy mop.

. ORGY-

Thanks for helping out with the agent stuff.

You're just much better at telling people what you went.

- God, Butler really le adorable, huh?

Which one': Butler?

- Butler.

- Butler, the-Butler the baby.

The baby, yeah, yeah, the little baby we saw.

Yeah, no, I think I blocked that out

'cause I have this fear of babies.

Like, I always get worried—.

Ilke, what happens If I'm holding the baby

and then the baby just dies, you know?

- And than I killed the baby-.

- Right.

- And then-end-you know-

- [Yeah. You're probabh] not gonna get,

like, a Christmas present alter that.

- Exactly.

Then, 'cause they'd be like, 'What do we at Matt?

"Nothin. He killed the baby."

And than If I ever want to, like, adopt a baby,

they'll be like, "Have you ever killed a baby?"

And I'd just be like, "Kind of."

- Yeah.

Do you think Butler needs some buddies?

-What?

- I don't know.

I was just thinkin maybe Butler could use a buddy.

- I think he's got a lot of buddies.

He seems like he's very—.

- No. He's a loser.

Ho doesn't have any friends.

- No, he's got a million friends.

I see hlm on the street every day.

- Okay, well, someday,

we'll probably make hlm a friend,

so we may as well practice tonight.

- You know, I've been practicing on my own.

- What are you doing?

- I—I don't know.

I'm just, like, um...

I'm just, like, not Into this right now, intellectually-.

- Intellectually? - Are you serious?

- Kind of.

Are you?

- Kind of.

- I was-I was talking to Janet today,

and she was saying that, last year,

she and Phlllp took a breather

and that It was, Ilka- It made 'em closer.

-What?

- Oh, no-It was just, like, this thln that she sald.

I just thought It was Interesting.

- Are you saying you think wo should do that?

- No, no, no. - I'm saying they did that.

- Do you went to have sex with other people?

-No.

- You want me to have sex with other people?

-No. No.

I think theirs was, like, a "no sex" breather.

- That's ridiculous.

If you don't want to be with a person,

you should just break up with 'em.

- And that's what I said.

All!

- You did It, Matt.

Third place.

- Third place? In what?

I didn't even know this was a competition.

I would have had more preparation.

Third place In what?

- DustBusterlng.

- Matt, It looks llke there's been a mistake.

You actually got first place.

You're so beautiful.

- You have to move.

I!'

Thank you!

Owl.

- Matt?

- Abby»-

- What happened?

- I got first place.

AILAh.

- I'll go get a Band-Aid.

- This Is the first time I remember thinking,

"Well, this seems dangerous.

Maybe I should see a doctor."

And then I thought, "Maybe I'll oat dinner."

And I won't with dinner.

- Oh, and there's one more thln.

Elaine from my swim club

bought a rlco cooker.

- Thank you, dear.

- Well, I'm just telling them because...

- I know. - It's part of-

Oh, you have a— They have a rice cooker.

- Thank you.

- Oh, well, we love the apartment.

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

- Thank you. - Thanks.

- You gonna fix It up?

- Um, yeah, well, we want to paint,

and we want to maybe get some curtains and that kl nd of thing.

May busy.

- I think It's perfect I have to say.

- Linda, the dessert.

- Oh, we're not having dessert- - Hush.

Your mother ordered a cake from the internet.

Now alt.

- Need some plates.

Wow.

' $0, Matt, we, uh...

We heard about the DustBuster Olympics.

You know, It's-

Linda, can you et- you have the book In your purse.

Could you get the book for mo, please?

Yeah, I picked this up for you.

The Promise of Sleep.

Got one for myself as well.

- Oh, thanks.

- Matt, can I see?

That's great, Dr. Pandamlgllo.

That's exactly the kind of thing we need.

- There are some dangerous situations

you can got yourself Into.

You ought to see a specialist.

- It was very minor.

- It wasn't minor.

- Well, I put In a call to Dr. Latham.

He conducts these overnight sleep studies.

- I appreciate It, Dad, but right now I'm really busy-.

- With what, folding napkins into triangles?

- Thls just doesn't seem llke a dinner conversation to lne.

- You know, Matthew, you say you're gonna go see the doctor;

You don't.

You say you want to be a comedian;

You're a bartender.

I moan, plck a goddamn plan and stick with It.

- He's kidding, but he's not as funny as you.

- You're not that funny.

But the good new: Ls,

this business has nothing to do with funny.

Some of these colleges,

I could book a shining, blinking light

or some confetti falling from the calling,

and most of these klde wouldn't know the difference, really.

- Right.

- So, you know, the truth ls, Matt, that at your lovol,

I don't have very much right now.

But give It a year or two.

Stay In touch.

- Yeah, I'll do any show.

You know, I know I'|n, llke, level zero.

- Well, I book a one-nlghter In Trenton on Tuesdays.

But It's mostly headliners.

And I have this I at a college upstate tonlht.

I was gonna book someone-

- Yeah. I moan, I could do that.

- Yeah, I know.

But, you know, It only pays $170.

And that's probably what It would coat you In tolls and gas.

I mean, do you even have a car?

- Yeah.

- You want It?

- Yeah.

- All right.

[phone bOOPMOI.

Should have told me you had a car.

Hey, Robbie.

Listen, I have this fantastic guy for you.

Matt, uh...

- Pandamlgllo.

- Panda, uh, plgllo.

Oh, no.

Hilarious.

I!'

Continue straight.

- Continue straight.

- Release all that tension that's down there.

In that lower back that we hold on to so tightly.

Breathe that mountain alr Into your lune.

And then release some sound.

Yeah.

Let's do some gentle llp trills.

[trills up»!

- Hey, listen to this.

That agent we met, Colleen, booked me at a gig for tonight.

It pays 170 bucks.

- Yeah?

What ls It? Where ls It?

- It's at this college In Utlca.

- Oh. Where are you?

- I'|n on the New York State Thruway.

- Who's driving?

-lie.

Continue straight.

- Walt, did you call Ron?

- For what?

- Aren't you supposed to be workln dinner tonlht?

- Oh, I totally forgot.

Okay, all right, I love you.

All right 5Y9-

- Union Hall.

- Hey, Ron, It's Matt.

- Pandamlgllo, where are you?

- Em, uh-wo“, “stun.

I can't do my dinner shift tonight.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I got, like, a Qlfl- like, a paid gig.

- You have a gig.

It's called bartendlng.

- Yeah, look. - I can get someone to fill In.

Let me just make some calls.

- You know what? Forget It.

I'll do It myself.

Tum left on University Boulevard.

- Ha, You don't know how to pronounce "boulevard."

This ls a pretty campus.

It's nice.

- Yeah, are like It.

So we kl nd of forgot we booked a comedian.

So now vwdvo got you and this llp sync contest.

. ORGY-

- So I guess you could host the llp sync contest.

You could still do your act or whatever

but just Introduce the contestants.

It's a very popular event.

- That sounds great.

- Great.

You know, thle used to be a very popular event.

Last year, there were 1 9 entries to this contest.

And this year, there are two.

And, you know, we don't have to have this contest.

If you don't want to have It.

I'm not doing It for mo.

I'|n doing It for you.

And now the bl comedian, Matt Pandaplllo.

A FEW

That's not really my name.

But...

Y'all ready to llp sync?

- I can't hear you.

That's my llp sync joke.

Okay-

Well, please welcome our first contestant, Hilary Garnlckl

dwhenisayl'

rlwantitthatwayr

♪ Well, we I'

♪ Are two worlds 1'

♪ Apart?

♪ Can'! Reach to 1'

♪ Your heart I'

♪ When you say 1'

rflnatlwantitthatwayr

♪ Tell me why 1'

♪ Ain't nothin' but a... 1'

- It's so cool that you're a comedian

I mean, I can't: Even Imagine that.

You know, your whole job's to toll jokes, right?

How do you oven do that?

- I don't even know.

- Hero $0“ 9°-

Jlwantltthatwayr.

♪ Aml ♪

♪ Your fire? ♪

♪ Your one ♪

♪ Desire? ♪

RYosJimowl'.

Hfstoohtor.

Jiutlwantltthatwayr.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' but a heartache ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' but a mistake ♪

- "David and hle men were In the Wlldemeee of llaon.

In the plain on the south of Jeshlmon."

Jlwantltthatwayr.

- Pizza Shack.

- Hey, do you out your slices Into triangles or squares?

- Triangles.

- Okay, good.

In the picture, It looked like squares.

- ♪ No matter the distance ♪

Hmntyoutomowr

♪ That deep down Inside... ♪

- So I guess the car made It back to the city?

- Yeah. Yeah.

. ORGY-

Well, well, have you road any of the book yet?

- Thanks. Um, yeah.

- Well, I'm readln this interesting section.

It says that to avoid these kinds of situations,

you need to think of sleep as a gradual power-down.

So a few hours before bed, turn off your phone,

turn off the news, the Internet,

and don't eat blg meals.

- Yeah, deflnltely.

- Matthew, I'|n gonna get you some aromatherapy, okay?

- Oh, damn It, Linda.

Hang up the goddamn phone.

' “WW are you yelling?

All right, look, I made you an appointment

with Dr. Latham for a sleep study on June 20th.

- Okay, I could have done that myself, Dad.

- It's okay. I made It.

Did you write It down, the 20th?

- Yeah.

- I don't think you're writing It.

- I wrote It again. - Good.

You have a good night. Try to ot some sloop.

- All right. Thanks, Dad.

All right 5Y9-

Hey, listen to this, from Colleen.

"We had a fall-out at a comedy club tomorrow night.

"In Burlington, Vermont.

Pays 50 bucks."

This ls amazing.

- Cool.

So you'll be home Sunday, than?

- Yeah, I think so.

And listen to this. I get to open for llarc llulhoren.

- How far ls Burlington?

- It's, um...

It's on the way.

All right, love you.

I'!

What do you mean by that?

Um, would It be possible for you

to take mo to Tho Comedy Factory In Burlington?

-No.

I can take you to the garage down the road.

- All right.

Um, listen.

I'|n really late for this gig, so, like,

If there's anything I can do, Ilka-

Wellmokay.

Is that how much It costs?

- This Is fine.

- All right.

Okay-

One thln I should tell you Is that Colleen had asked me.

If I could perform 30 minutes of comedy for this gig.

Now, what I should have sald was,

"I only have about 11 minutes of material, tops."

And what I did say was, "Yeah."

- So Is that Band-Aid part of the act?

No? You're not the head wound comic?

It's not your tag?

You know, "I got a head wound," alter every joke?

Is that you?

- No, look, I got to be honest with you.

She wants me to do a half hour.

I only have, like, ten minutes of material.

I don't know what I'|n gonna do.

- Really? Wow.

You're gonna have to fill out that tlme somehow, man.

Do some crowd work. Talk to the eudlence.

Make fun of people.

- Whenever I make fun of people, they punch me.

- Uh-huh.

- Matt, we're bringing you on now.

- [exhalfll

[lretennng]

[coughlnol.

- Don't do that onstage.

- Thanks.

- Unless It's your closer.

- I was thinking about Cookie Monster, you know?

And do you think this guy's got an eating disorder, you know?

Nico shirt, loser.

Sorry.

No, I like It.

It's nice.

Sorry.

Anyway, I was watching a lot of TV this week.

- Ia that bit you do about teenagers really real?

Yeah.

- Hey, you did okay, man.

- Yeah?

- Well, I—you know.

"Okay" Is kind of a strong word but...

You tanked.

I thought It was funny, but I'm a comic.

I'm sick, so...

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Right.

- You just got to koop tolling yourself you're kitting,

and It will all fall Into place.

You'll figure It out.

- Thanks.

- You married or...

- Um, no.

I—wvall, kind of.

H don't know.

I have a girlfriend but- it': Serious, you know.

It': Just-

You know, Ifs—wo'vo been together for a long Hm».

- You all right, man? - Yeah, yeah.

It's just, you know- I'm just-I've decided

I'|n not gonna get married until I'm sure

that nothing also good can happen In my llfe.

You should say that onstage.

- Yeah.

That wouldn't go over so well at home.

- We're not at home.

- Are you married?

- Kind of.

[door opdllil.

- Hey, Colleen.

- Hey, listen, we ot reat feedback on you last night.

- Yeah?

- Well, no, not really.

But Marc recommended you for a I.

In Philadelphia on the 20th.

- Oh, yeah? He liked my act?

- Well, no. No.

But he thought It would be...

He thought you'd be great

taking the bullet for other comedians.

- That's great.

The 20th, yeah.

That's great.

- Well, cool.

Lleten, I'll email you the detalle, okay?

- I was-I was at the zoo, and I-

One of- I was at The National Zoo,

and they have the panda bear there,

you know, Ling-Ling, I think, Is from China.

And the...

You know, they're having a hard time

getting the pandas to mate, you know, the-

trying to get them to mate with each other.

- Next.

. ORGY-

I've been having some issues in my relationship

with my girlfriend lately, where, like-

I think she wants to get married, you know?

And I've decided I shouldn't get married until I'|n sure

that nothing also good can happen In my llfe.

And, you know, my girlfriend and I worry

about different things.

"You know, one day I said, 'What do you fear most?"

And she sald, "I fear you'll meet someone else

and you'll leave me and I'll be all alone."

And she said, "What do you fear most?"

And I said, "Bears."

Thanks, man.

- Yeah. Nice work tonight.

- Thanks.

Is that...

I don-fl: Want to be a dick, but I thought It was $50.

- That was If we sold out.

31 paid, 25 comps.

That's $360 with a 50-50 house spilt.

I've got to pay the headliner $150.

You get the rest.

- That's still, like, 30 bucks.

- 7 bucks for the chicken fingers.

- I'm not paying for those fuckin chicken fingers.

You should be ashamed to charge people for those.

- All right.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

- Houfd It go?

- It was great.

Like, I met all these other comics.

I tried out all this new material.

You would have been really proud.

- Hey, I can't really hear you.

What was the new material?

- It was just, Ilka-

It was, like, a lot of stuff.

I'll tell you about It later, but where are you?

- Oh, we're-no, we're all at thla bar that Hannah found.

We're playing Drunkerdash.

- What's that?

- It's-you know, It's just Balderdash but drunk.

I came up with a really good definition for codswallop.

-What?

- Codswallop!

- What? - See If you can get It.

Here.

A, a rock formation found only In Iceland,

or, B, a sticky situation

- I knew It.

I ImOW that.

- You didn't know.

- Yes, I did.

- You should have said It, than.

- I was ordering fries.

- Are you talking to mo?

- No. That's just Dave.

You got to meet him-.

- If you o outside and I'll go outside,

then maybe we can hear each other better.

- Oh, babe, I— - I really can't hear you.

. ORGY-

I'll talk to you later.

Hey, I'll have another one, you uys.

- The thing ls, he definitely does not have a parkln...

I actually had a crazy I once where these two orthodox Jews

had asked me If I would perform at, llke, their art gallery.

- Yeah.

- They told me there were gonna be hundreds of people there.

And then I go, and It's just...

- ls It okay? - Yeah, yeah, go for It.

- It's just their apartment, and It's just them.

- Yeah. - So It wean'; Like, a show.

- No. - It was llke a conversation.

- It was more llke a quiet conversation

- I did this one show.

It was In the parking lot of a Home Depot.

The only people we're performing for

are, like, the migrant workers who are just hanging out there.

Em going up hi!»

and I'|n watching every other comic just eat It, just tank.

But I'm thinking, like,

I want to get some response from these people.

Like, I should close strong.

What Spanish do I know?

And I'm like, "I know."

I'll say, 'Long llve the Immigrant“.

And I'm like, "All right, everybody, this has been fun."

Viva Ll Ilium'

which is, "Lon live the immigration police."

[all groanlndl.

- Yeah, so I'm just gonna crash with these guys tonight.

And I wlll be-yeah, I'll be heme In the morning.

All right.

All right, I love you.

Bye.

- Hey, man, how you feeling?

- Oh, I'm good. I'|n good.

I'|n just-I'm stuffed.

You know, that pizza and-

- oh» 30th, me too.

It's good, though I lovo It.

- Yeah. - Helps me sleep.

- Yeah.

- You know how they have those neck pillows

that they have on the plane that people wear?

I think It'd be great If you had one of those,

but It's made out of pizza, and so you just alt there

and gnaw on the pizza and then fall asleep with that.

- Yeah, that's a really good Idea.

- Yeah, I'm gonna try to do something with It.

No, hey, by the way, I think Lynn ls diggin' you, man.

' Oh, Lynn?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- I think you could make out with her If you wanted to.

- Yeah, no, I have a girlfriend.

- Oh, you really do? - Yeah.

-On.

So all those jokes are true or...

- Yeah. Yeah. - Oh, wow.

Has she heard the jokes?

-No.

- No, you should probably mention It.

- I wrote a letter to my dad.

I' was gonna write, "I really enjoy being here,"

but I accidentally wrote "rarely" instead of "really."

And I wanted to use It.

I didn't want to cross It out.

"So I wrote," I rarely drive stoamboats, Dad.

'There's a lot of shit you don't know about mo.

Quit trying to act like Pm a steamboat operator.'

Why'd you take off your glasses?

- Just 'cause If we're really onna do this,

I don't want to be able to see you.

. ORGY-

I don't know If this ls such a good Idea.

I have a girlfriend.

Matt...

This just ls what It ls, you know?

We're here.

Are you really gonna deny yourself the experience

of just being In the present?

Dguessso.

- This will make you more comfortable.

- What Is that?

- It's a pizza pillow.

- It's very good.

- Yeah, you like It?

- Yeah. I like the sauce.

- Oh, yeah? Do you want more-

- The sauce ls very good, yeah.

- Yeah, It ls good sauce.

Do you want more sauce?

- Yeah, more sauce.

. ORGY-

I'll go get you more sauce.

. ORGY-. ORGY-

Hey, I love the sauce.

It ls very good sauce.

- Do you like the sauce?

- It's too hotl.

The sauce ls too hot!

Ifstoo hot!

Ah, tho—I like the sauce, but It's too hot!

- Hey, what are you doing, man?

Are you taking a shower?

- Yeah.

Sorry about that.

Just had a weird dream.

- Yeah, well, you know, you're not supposed

to actually act them out Ilka that.

They're like movies, you know?

You just sort of watch 'em.

- Matt, I got a run of dates for you.

It's gonna hurt, but you'll make

about 900 bucks for sh. Days oi shows.

- Oh, that sounds perfect.

- Wall, It's Hartford, Canton, Lancaster...

- And I think that she wants to get married.

And I just decided I shouldni get married until I'm sure

that nothing also good can happen In my llfe.

You know, I moan, I just have this fear

that man-Iago might be like school-.

You know how when you're real little and you think,

"Maybe some day I'll got to go to school."

And then you go to school,

and that first week, you're just llke,

"How much loner do I have to go to school?"

And they're like, "17 more years."

And you're Ilka, "Oh, no."

Colleen booked me.

It's good, right?

I moan, Is that-Is that cool?

- Yeah. Yeah.

That's gonna be great for you.

Great.

- Yeah, It's good, right?

Do you want to come?

- To Lancaster?

I'm good.

- My parents have been together 40 years, which le-

Yeah, no, but It's too long.

I think If the people who Invented marriage

knew that people were gonna be married 40 years,

they'd be like, "Well, this Isn'I: What we Intended at all-".

You know, back then, people only lived to be 40,

If they were lucky.

They'd be so confused.

They'd be llke, "When were they married, as babies?

I don't approve of babies marrying one another."

Like, you ever think about that?

Hello?

- HI, Matt, It's Dawn from Dr. Latham': Office.

You missed your sleep study.

Oh, right. Sorry-.

Okay, listen, can I call you back In, like, two minutes?

- Sure.

- You ever think about that, that maybe In the future,

marriage will be the new divorce?

People will be like, “Yeah, I'|n pretty messed up.

"My parents are still together."

And people will be like, “Wow, sounds really hard.

"Is It a first marriage?"

And they'll b0 llko, "Yeah."

I always have this fear in relationships

that I'm onna love someone and then eventually hate them.

Before I toll you this part of the story,

I want to remind you that you're on my side.

Thank you guys very much.

I really appreciate It.

Thank you.

I'm on the road for about six weeks,

and one night, I'm backstage at a comedy club In Ohio.

- Hey, I'|n closing out my tabs for the night.

You want another drink?

Or another appetizer or entree?

- Am I eating that much?

That's embarrassing.

- Are you kidding?

You haven't even tried our popcorn yet.

- I'm saving room for the popcorn.

I heard It's Imported from a carnival.

Who you writing to?

- Oh, this is to my girlfriend.

- You have a girlfriend.

- Yeah, yeah, we've been together elnce-

- That's cool.

So tell me If you think this ls crazy.

My other job le at Hooters, which le really crazy

because one of my boobs le bigger than the other boob.

Isn't that crazy?

- Yeah.

- Do you want to see them?

- Your boobs?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Cool.

- Oh, I moan, not-

You know, I didn't think you wore-

I thought you were kidding.

I didn't know you were actually gonna-

you know, I didn't know

you wore gonna actually do It right now.

You know, there': Just-

There's people here.

I don't think that's a good-

- Oh, no. Pretty much everyone': Gone.

- Oh, well-

Mm“

I don't want to—I havo- sorry, I have-I-

- What are you doing?

- Sorry. I—.

Sometimes I have this trouble breathing.

I have a girlfriend, and I probably shouldn't be here and-

- Yeah, no, I know the drill.

- I did not know the drill.

But I knew I shouldn't be there, and so I left the eltuatlon.

And a few hours later, alter several drinks...

I mentored the sltuatloln.

And the next day, I drove to my sister Janet's wedding.

- So how was your trip?

- It was good.

It was good.

- Yeah? Dld anything happen?

- What do you mean?

- I don't know.

You're just acting klnd of weird.

- I think you're acting weird.

- Really? How?

- By asking me how my trlp was.

And I felt guilt and shame.

But I also felt like this kind of thin miht happen again.

And I knew I shouldn't be ettln married.

- And you may kiss.

- Your mother and I did this 40 years ago.

At a certain point, you got to zlg or zag.

- All right.

Mom, Mom, a little closer, please.

Straighten up. Stop fussln.

And say "happy."

All: HAPPY-

- All right, just the bride's family.

Let's get the bride's family only.

All right, uncle up a step.

Up two 91999-

- Two steps. - Aunt, down.

- Matt, don't you want Abby In the picture?

- Um...

- OI' course he does.

- Yeah, yeah. Y9!"-

Of course. Yeah, yeah.

- Come on. Come on over.

- This Is your spot, right here.

. ORGY-

Happy...

all: HAPPY-

dcanpark.

- No, that's okay.

I'm gonna meet up with Hannah anyway.

- Now?

- Yeah.

- You want me to come?

- No, I'm good.

HI, this ls Abby.

And you are?

- Hey, It's me.

I was just calling to see what's up,

like, where you are and everything.

- This Is Abby.

And you are?

A FEW

HQY'.

- And you are?

- Ila again, calling.

Just...

At 4:00 a.m., Abby walked In,

and she was crying, and she was drunk.

And I said, "Abby, whore were you?"

And she said, "If we're not gonna get marl-led",

I got to figure something also out.“

- What are you- - Stop It.

Glve me my bag, Matt. What le the difference?

- You are not doing this. - Why don't you lot go?

I've just been so...

I love you, you know?

I just think that we...

Em not...

We should just get married.

-No.

- Yeah, I'll get a ring, and we'll get—.

Rent that cabana down by my parents' beach house.

-No.

- I really think that this Is what we should do.

-No.

- We have to.

I mean, I can't: Imagine life without you.

I think that we should just do It.

I think we should just-

Finally she sald, "When?"

Now, what I should have said was,

"Can we talk about this next summer?"

What I did say was...

Next summer.

And that's howl got engaged.

I know.

I'm In the future also.

J'WOII, WB ♪

♪ Ain't got a barrel of money ♪

♪ Maybe we're ragged and funny ♪

♪ But we'll travel along, slnln our son ♪

♪ Side by slde ♪

♪ Don't know what's coming tomorrow ♪

♪ Maybe there's trouble and sorrow ♪

♪ But we'll travel the road, sharing our load ♪

.r Side by side .r.

♪ Through all kinds of weather ♪

♪ But If the sky should fall ♪

♪ As long as we're together ♪

♪ Doesn't matter at all ♪

♪ When they've all had their quarrels and parted ♪

- Yeah!

- ♪ We'll be the same as we started ♪

♪ While travelln' along, slnln' our son ♪

.r Side by side .r.

- Matt, come back to bed.

We're gonna do the drill.

- No, thank you.

I can't come In there anymore.

- Matt, come back to bed.

- No, I said, "No, thank you."

- Matt, you got to call the doctor today.

- I Wlll. I Wlll.

I'm sorry.

H promise.

What are you doing?

- I'm writing It on your hand.

- The Promise of Sleep by Dr. William C. Dement.

During their entire lifetime, people...

- My dad got me a book called The Promise of Sleep.

Hls four basic tlps for helping you sleep,

they all have to do with powering down

a few hours before bed, turning off the nears

and the Internet and the phone, and don't eat bl meals,

which just so happen

to be my four favorite actlvltlee before bed.

I'|n completely addicted to cable news.

I think It's 'cause they hook you In

with the laser sound effects

and questions you couldn't possibly know the answers to.

They'll be like, "Puh-chool.

Do you know what's In your soup?"

And I'ln "KO," Oh, my God.

"I guess I don't know what's In my soup.

"I got to stick around.

"I thought maybe broth, but I wasn't 100%.

"What la this, a commercial for Toyota?

"All right, I'll watch this,

just as Ion as you tell me what's In my soup."

And than they'll be like, "Pub-choc, It's broth."

I'|n like, "I know It.

I knew It was broth, but I wasn't 100%."

And I've been sleepwalking.

I walk In my sleep and...

Sleepwalking ls a terrifying phenomenon

when you think about It

'cause It's your body making a decision

that's distinctly difioront than your conscious mind.

Your conscious mind Is like,

"We're gonna rest for a few hours."

And your body's like, "We're going ekllngl".

I should see a doctor, really,

'cause It's gotten pretty eerloue,

but I don't really want to see a doctor, you know,

because sleep disorders, they Involve your brain.

And the llst of fun brain diseases ls very short,

you know, If you're over surfing WobllD.

- I got booked at nlno colleges In seven days.

I was performing across Ohio, In Pennsylvania, In Delaware,

Washington, 0.0., North Carolina.

There are 78 known sleep disorders,

things that range from sleep apnea

to night terrors to narcolepsy.

Narcolepsy ls terrifying

'cause there are people who fall asleep

at any time for any reason.

There are female narcoleptlce who fall asleep

the moment they reach orgasm.

I was thinking you could call these women "men."

And while I won't on the road,

Abby started preparing for our wedding

for months and months,

working on very specific things:

Locations, dresses, caterers.

I knew this wasn't gonna happen, but I couldn't say It.

-Where Is he?

- He's In Philadelphia.

Playin a club called The Joke Barn.

- You're kidding me. - The Joke Barn?

- I don't really know what to think anymore.

- They're having you perform In the center

of a walkathon for lupus.

Seven shows In a week.

- I really appreciate It, Colleen,

but right now I'm just—.

You know, I don't think I should be driving that far.

I mean, that's, like, 1,000 miles in, like, five days.

- Well, I got a lot of guys, Matt.

I'd be glad to take you off the speed dlal.

- No, no, I can do It.

Loan do It.

HIM-yeah, no, It's flne.

It's fine.

. ORGY-

- Thanks, Colleen.

Thanks.

[slghfll.

- Police have a suspect In custody,

but they're net releasing any Information

until they complete their Investigation.

- I hear you're good at taking the bullet for other comedians.

X1'.

H91'.

You okay?

. Am you okay?

- Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

- Here we have some of the heavier cardetock options.

- It's beautiful.

Beautiful.

- And when are you sendln these out?

- Right.

- Well, the invitation would go out June 15th.

- June 15th.

- And than the “wedding will be August 22nd.

“Guess.

- You guess?

- If you're gonna get married, dear,

you have to be running down the aisle.

- Yeah, no, I know.

- It's-It's a lot of decisions.

- I understand. - It's fine.

Here.

- This ls one of my favorites.

You'll notice how...

- The Promise of Sleep, by mo, Dr. Wllllam C. Dement.

- What are you doing In my car?

- I'm not really hero.

You're just exhausted.

- Is your name actually Dr. Dement?

- Surely ls.

- I feel like if I were a sleep physician,

I'd want to go with a more soothing name

like Dr. Happysleep,

Dr. Chamomile Tea.

- Can we please begin?

- Yeah. Sorry.

Sorry.

- Chapter Four, The Promise of Sleep.

We sleep more than 200,000 hours during a lifetime.

That's the equivalent of 8,000 days.

In spite of all the research, we know very little—.

- Okay. Go ahead. - Well, Is there like a—.

Is there a chapter on sleep disorders?

- Let me skip ahead.

Chapter Nine, Sleep Disorders.

There's sleep walking, sleep talkin,

eating while you're asleep.

But one of the most serious of the many sleep disorders

ls REM Behavior Disorder.

People who have REM Behavior Dleorder

actually act out the dream they are having.

In REM Behavior Disorder,

people are often running away

from some kind of demon or wlld animal.

In rare Instances, people with this sleep disorder

have actually gone so far

as to klll the person they're sleeping with

while they're asleep.

- Walt. What?

- In rare Instances, people with this sleep disorder

have actually gone so far

as to klll the person they're sleeping with...

While remaining asleep.

Almost nothing ls known about It

and almost nothing can be done.

- HI, llom.

- HI, Matthew.

Oh, where are you?

- I'm—I'm In Maryland.

I'|n staying at La Quinta Inn.

- No, you mean La "Keen-tab."

- No, I think It's La Quinta.

- Welcome to La Keen-tab Inn.

- Thanks.

Told you.

Oh, ls Abby with you at La Quinta Inn?

- No, she's at home.

- I have to tell you,

she sent us a photo of the dress.

Have you seen It?

- No. No, Peony.

- Oh. You're fine.

Great pool here, huh?

- I just checked In.

I don't really know.

. W; Open, like, 2417.

. Sorry. Right.

- Waffle bar's awesome too.

- I'm not gonna toll you about this.

- Okay, Mom. I—.

- Right? - Right.

- Right, I moan-but I could tell you, but I shouldn't.

- No, I know.

- On the other hand, I just don't think.

It would be so bad If I just described-

I mean, a little description won't really ruin the effect.

Okay, well, let me tell you about the dress.

It's off-white and very bosomy, which I know that you llke.

- Linda, are you telling hlm about the wedding dress?

- I'm-no, just lvln hlm a little bit-little-

- Oh, God damn It.

You're not supposed to let the room

know about the dress.

- Well, I don't think a little tease will hurt, really.

- Give me the phone. - Give me tho—.

Why did you have to bring that up to him?

- Because I thought he would enjoy It.

- Hey, look, hey, Matthew, whore the hell are you, anyway?

- Are you all right? - Things are fine.

- Yeah, well, I just got an E-ZPass bill for $563.

Are you using my goddamn car to cruise around the country?

- No, I'm not cruising, Dad.

What are you talking about?

- Oh, I don't think that car can take It.

I think you either got to settle down or get a new car.

- I-I got to go-

- Matthew, one more thing.

I'm gonna emu“ tho photo to you.

- No, I got to go, Mom. - I sent It.

- Oh, God damn ltl.

- Isolate the coordinates.

- Yes, sir.

Bearing mark 2-1-1-3,

latitude 46 degrees north and longitude 118 west.

- What's going on?

- We're currently tracking a guided missile

that's headed straight for this room.

- Just tell me this.

What's the plan?

- Well, Matt, It looks llko you don't have one.

I think you need a little goddamn reality testing.

- There's one more thing.

The missile coordinates are set specifically on you.

- What's gonna happen to these people?

- It doosn't look good, Matt.

- [Ijnumbllng lndlstlnctly]

- Warning.

12, 11...

- Okay!

- 10, 9, 8...

-Ahl.

All!

[Welling]

[phones flllflmfll

- I just saw a guy jump out the window screaming.

I moan, is anybody gonna do anything?

Hyena:!

- HOIIO.

I'm staying at the hotel.

I had an Incident wherein I jumped out my window,

and I'm bleeding,

and I need to go to the hospital.

- All right.

What's painful about jumping out a second-story window.

Isn't actually the jumping part.

It's when they start to pick the glass out of your legs.

- This glass was right near your femoral artery.

If you'd have hlt that, you'd have bled to death.

You should be dead.

- No, you should.

I hlmlll.

Because I'm a comedian.

[slghfll.

I don't think that we should be getting married.

I-and I...

I knew I wasn't ready, and I shoulcfve said It but...

I just think I should be on my own.

- You're right.

We shouldn't be getting married.

- How hug have you h“ “ks that?

'When I was getting ready to make this film,

I was obsessing over my relationship with Abby

and what won't wrong

and why she stayed with me, you know, all these years.

And so I won't to visit her.

She lives upstate with her husband and two kids.

And, you know, I called In advance.

You know, I didn't just show up and say, llke,

"I'm your cam-boyfriend, and I want answers."

You know?

I know that that's probably not the best thing to do.

And so I-you know, we're friends,

and so I went and visited her and-

and we're having tea,

and, like, her kids are running around,

and I said to her— I was like,

"Why did you stay with me all those years

when you knew that we were doomed?"

And she said...

"I didn't want to hurt you."

Can you believe that?

We almost spent the entire rest of our llvee together

because we didn't want to make the other person mad.

I'|n gonna toll you a story tonight, and It's true.

And I always have to tell people that because lnevltably...

And I would say, "Abby!"

There's a jackal In the room!”

We went to my eleter Janet's wedding.

Now, If you're over In a rolatlonshlp

that seems to be moving towards marriage

and you're not ready for It to go In that direction,

don't go to my sister Janet's wedding.

As my anxiety about my relationship got worse,

my sleepwalking got worse.

The window was closed,

so I jumped through a window like The Hulk.

I did what I should have done In the first place

when I saw the Jackal,

when I was In the DustBuster Olympics.

I went to a doctor who specializes In sleep disorders.

I was dlanosed with REM Behavior Disorder.

And so now when I go to bed at night,

I tum ofl' the news,

the phone, and the internet.

I take medication,

and I sleep In a sleeping bag up to my neck.

And I wear mittens...

So I can't open the sleeping bag.

- Please welcome to the stage, Matt Pandamiglio.

- A lot of times, people will come up to me,

and they ask mo, you know, llke, "Are you cured?"

And I say, "No."

But I think that's okay.

1'1'

- ♪ I've been waiting for a sign ♪

♪ I've been waiting for a sln ♪

♪ To tell me where ♪

♪ Tell me where ♪

♪ I belong ♪

♪ And you've been “Mug {or the fight' ♪

♪ You've been waiting for the night ♪

♪ To take you hr I

♪ Take you hr away from me I'

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

Iwhmwhmwhmwho:

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

Iwhmwhmwhmwho:

I!'

♪ I've been waiting for a sign ♪

♪ To tell me where ♪

♪ Tell me where ♪

♪ Where I belong ♪

♪ And you've been waiting for the nlht ♪

♪ You've been waking (or the fight I'

♪ To take you hr I'

♪ Take you hr any from here I'

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

Iwhmwhmwhmwho:

♪ Now, now, now, now, new, now, nova' ♪

Iwhmwhmwhmwho:

♪ And as I'm waitin on your doorstep now ♪

♪ I notice patterns In the paint ♪

♪ I'm wondering how the lass will hlt ♪

Emil?

RAsHumaMgomshamer

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

I!'

- ♪ There's a spot on your body ♪

♪ And It caused all the boys ♪

♪ Follow your eyes and get lost ♪

1'1'

♪ You'll swear to your family ♪

♪ Family and friends ♪

♪ Why, It was just yesterday ♪

♪ Just swear to your family ♪

♪ Family and friends ♪

♪ Why, It was just yesterday ♪

I!'

♪ If every man's a photographer ♪

♪ Then smile and hold up your head ♪

♪ Glvo him one of your long batty looks ♪

♪ Before he climb on Into your bed ♪

I!'

♪ And you'll swear to your family ♪

♪ Family and friends ♪

♪ Why, It was just yesterday ♪

♪ Just swear to your family ♪

♪ Family and friends ♪

♪ Why, It was just yesterday ♪

I!'

Ilmmr.

♪ Mmm, mm-mm, mmm ♪

I!'