Original subtitles

♪

[moaning]

♪

[laughing]

♪

[laughing]

[thunder cracking]

♪

♪

♪

[laughing]

[thunder cracking]

♪

♪

♪

[thunder cracking]

[man screaming]

♪

PAM: "Old Lady Spinster," her guest hissed,

as he begged for his life.

If you listen closely,

you can still hear the cries of her victims.

[clock ticking]

The cries of her victims!

SAM: Oh, beware! Beware! [growling]

Beware, beware! [growling]

Beware!

♪

But you still have two nights left

on your reservation!

WOMAN: I told you we should've gone to Dollywood!

Who would want to stay here? These people are frauds!

- [car doors slamming] - [car engine revs]

This fake blood sure stains.

How grandmother was able to get real blood

out of this carpet, I'll never know.

Right?

Hey, Granny, share with us your secret, would ya?

I mean, give us some of that sage advice.

"Sell the house!

Change your name and start a new hotel!"

Wow, did you hear that?

That's some really good advice there.

It's not funny, Sam! Just show some respect.

Come on, sis, just admit it.

Nobody wants to stay in a murder house.

This isn't just some murder house.

This is our house.

- It's morbid! - It's family.

People like horror.

People like being scared.

- Crazy people. - Don't.

I'm not saying you're crazy, I'm just...

Our customers are out there.

We just have to find them.

♪

Look at this.

Lizzie Bord-Inn, booked.

Dahmer Apartment, booked.

John Wayne Gacy Circus Tent, booked.

Us, nothing.

What is it gonna take to get us on the map?

Grandmother was America's first female serial killer.

That's a big deal.

If only the world knew you were so groundbreaking.

And so psychotic.

WOMAN: What up, killers? It's TheMorgueCases.

Today I got to check another crime scene

off my mass murder bucket list and spent the night

in Jeffrey Dahmer's apartment. It was so great!

That's it! Influencers.

I need stupid, vapid, "Like and Subscribe" influencers.

Okay, we reach out to this girl. We offer her a free night.

We wine and dine and frighten her,

and then, boom, positive review.

You lost me at "free."

I'm at the Spinster Murder House,

and if you've never heard of it, don't be ashamed.

This one is a deep cut, even for The Morgue.

The story goes that 80 years ago,

Old Lady Spinster, the proprietor of this hotel,

murdered an untold number of guests.

After confessing to her crimes, she died in an insane asylum.

PAM: Uh, no. Hi.

Actually, she did not die in an insane asylum.

She died peacefully in a retirement home.

And this, my morbid viewers,

is Lady Spinster's own granddaughter.

That's me, proud Spinster. The name, not the other way.

- You know how it is, Morgan. - Call me Morgue.

Now, you inherited this place from your grandmother?

Yes, we did, my brother and I.

Hi.

Go ahead and say hi to our viewers, Mr. Spinster.

Oh, are they, she's live right now?

Yeah, but don't worry. This is my BTS stream.

Only a few thousand people are watching.

Um, welcome to the Spinster Murder House!

This way to the deception den.

♪

MORGAN: Ooh!

The house got gift points for creep factor.

PAM: Grandmother designed it herself.

Some even say the house drove her to kill.

PAM: No, they don't.

MORGUE: You have a shrine of her?

I love it! It's so trashy.

SAM: Wow. It's working!

MORGUE: Oh, the stream dropped.

That's the steel panels in the walls.

Grandmother had them installed.

SAM: To muffle the screams of her victims.

Oh my god. That's horrible.

Is there Wi-Fi?

This place sure is a maze.

That's the whole point, dear.

You see, grandmother designed the architecture of this house

to confuse and then trap her victims.

[metal clanging]

PAM: See, that's what happens to guests

when they break the house rules.

- MORGUE: Rules? - [girls giggling]

PAM: My grandmother was very strict.

Rule number one, no smoking.

- [door unlatching] - [girls screaming]

[heavy breathing]

SAM: Oh, and then there's rule number two,

absolutely no feet on the furniture.

- [man laughing] - [axe thwacking]

[man screaming]

[woman laughing]

PAM: And of course, and most importantly,

rule number three:

- no noise after dark. - WOMAN: No!

- [axe thwacking] - [woman screaming]

PAM: The blood of everyone who broke grandmother's rules

still stains the walls of this house.

MORGUE: Looks more like rust. Do you have leaky pipes?

No. No, no, no, no, no. That's blood.

Well, then, what happened to the bodies?

They never found them.

Then how do you know it's true?

PAM: Because she confessed.

MORGUE: If there's no body, then there's no murder.

That's like True Crime 101.

Perhaps she fed them to her victims.

And the bones?

They were tossed down this corpse chute

to a secret basement below.

- That's just a dumbwaiter. - Or a dead waiter.

I don't know. It just seems a little thin.

What's that supposed to mean?

MORGUE: It's just, I've studied every serial killer

from John Eric Armstrong to Kevin Lee Zimmerman,

and I've never heard of the Spinster case

until you emailed me.

How do you know she wasn't just some crazy old woman

who built a wonky house?

You have no idea what you're talking about.

I mean, grandmother was a world-class serial killer,

and I'll bet if she was here right now,

she'd hack you to pieces!

[door slamming]

What she meant was if you need anything,

let us know.

♪

This house is definitely spooky,

but I don't know about the owners.

They're kinda creepy,

and I don't mean creepy in a fun way.

Like, sad creepy.

PAM: "There's no body. There's no murder."

[scoffing] Can you believe her?

Accusing dear old grandmother of not killing anyone?

SAM: Just stop complaining, okay?

We're not doing this for her. We're doing it for her viewers.

[computer beeping]

Whoa.

What the hell's happening with our reservations?

I bet it's her.

So far the only thing I'm sure Old Lady Spinster killed

is my vacation.

This little brat is gonna ruin us.

Oh no, she isn't.

[footsteps stomping]

♪

[high-pitched beep]

SAM: Ah, you're just in time for breakfast.

I made some sausage and eggs.

I'm vegan. I think meat is murder.

I thought you liked murder.

Well, yeah, but just people.

Oh.

Also, the Wi-Fi's down.

Yes, that, um, I've actually been on the phone

all morning with the repair company,

and waiting, you know how it is.

MORGUE: Right. Well, thanks.

PAM: Mm-hmm.

Hey, I wanted to apologize if I upset you yesterday.

I'm just a stickler for details, you know?

PAM: Don't mention it.

Yeah, I understand that you true crime people,

you have to ask a lot of questions.

I think that we should keep an open mind,

which is why I was thinking

maybe we could do a little investigating today.

What kind of investigating?

Look around the house for any unmarked entrances,

hidden doors, overlooked crawlspaces.

Maybe find where all those bodies ended up?

PAM: The police already did an extensive search.

Like, years ago, and I bet back then

they didn't have stuff like this.

♪

Metal detector.

Ultra-wide band radar scanners.

Infrared camera.

Now, who's ready to find some bodies?

♪

MORGUE: Oh, look!

Chemical stains.

Grandmother's secret stash of poisons.

MORGUE: That's her stash of poisons, all right.

Gin.

Brandy.

[metal detector whirring]

- Are these iron walls? - PAM: Like I said, all metal.

- You said steel. - [metal detector whirring]

MORGUE: Any objection if I open this wall?

SAM: Be my guest.

[grunting]

SAM: Looks like some kind of vault.

Oh my god.

This is it.

Grandmother's corpse locker.

SAM: You know how to open a safe?

Like I said, I love true crime.

I just know this is where grandmother hid the bodies.

That should do it.

Would you like to do the honors, Pamela?

♪

[door creaking]

♪

MORGUE: Looks like Old Lady Spinster

was just a spinster.

No.

No, she must've used this sewing machine

to sew and then wear the flesh of her victims.

I mean, there could be any number of torture chambers

or secret passages in this house, or...

- Just stop, okay? Stop it! - PAM:... doors in this thing.

Or wait, there could be a latch or something!

There can be...

MORGUE: Face it, Pamela.

Old Lady Spinster never killed anyone.

- She was just crazy... - I'm not crazy!

She didn't call you crazy, Pam, okay?

Now stop it.

Just because we haven't found any bodies

doesn't mean that she didn't kill anyone.

She was a homicidal genius!

She was greater than Wuornos! Greater than Bundy!

You will see the Spinster name will live forever!

♪

This place is a total scam.

The owners are complete whack jobs.

One-star rating only 'cause I can't give it zero.

Save the gas money and avoid the Spinster Murder House.

Trust me, I wouldn't be caught dead here.

[sighing]

Whatever, I'll stop at a Starbucks.

SAM: You need to calm down. We need her to live document.

You confronting her is the last thing we need.

I can't believe it.

PAM: She doesn't believe any of it.

She's probably giving us a bad review right now.

SAM: Can you blame her?

You're screaming and going on like some crazy person.

MORGUE: Thank you, Old Lady Spinster.

PAM: What is that supposed to mean?

Let's hope you lead to an exit.

SAM: The writing's on the wall.

We've been losing money for the last three years!

The roof leaks, the plumbing's shot.

PAM: Well, thank you! Are you gonna fix it?

Maybe we can get that little brat to go along.

SAM: How are you gonna do that?

Are you gonna threaten her, or are you gonna pay her

with all the money we have? Let's face it,

this whole macabre bed and breakfast thing is doomed.

And frankly, I'm happy that grandma hasn't killed anybody

'cause now I don't have to feel guilty over

being a part of some crazy family!

She wasn't crazy.

This is our home, Samuel, and I will die before

I let that girl destroy what we've built.

- SAM: You're scaring me. - PAM: Good.

Maybe that's just what the little bitch needs,

a good scare from an old ghost.

[thunder booming]

♪

[door creaking]

[screaming]

[screaming]

Boy, sure is a good thing I brought my mace!

It's made with ghost peppers.

You know, to keep away the ghosts?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Oh, Pamela, is that you?

- PAM: Ow! - I could've sworn

it was the ghost of that crazy old lady.

- ♪ - PAM: She's not crazy!

Really? Take a look at yourself.

This isn't a murder house. It's a crazy house.

Are you recording this?

- Stop it. - MORGUE: Oh, no way.

This might be my favorite shot of you.

Give me that phone.

Give me that phone! Give me that phone!

MORGUE: You wanted people to see Old Lady Spinster, huh?

- Shut up! - So here she is!

I'm looking right at her, crazy Old Lady Spinster!

Shut up! You want a murder house?

- I'll give you a murder house. - ♪

[screaming]

Are you out of your fucking mind?

[grunting]

You can't hide from me.

This is my house.

[wailing] Beware!

Pam?

♪

- [door rattling] - MORGUE: Where's the latch?

I know it's here somewhere.

Yes!

Hello, Mr. Modem.

Okay.

[modem beeping]

MORGUE: [gasping] Full signal. Let's do this.

Help!

I'm trapped in the Spinster house!

[screaming]

- [grunting] - PAM: [groans]

Somebody call 911!

I'm at the Spinster house! She's gonna kill me!

[screaming]

♪

MORGUE: Pam.

Isn't this what you always wanted?

MORGUE: Please, please, I'm sorry, okay?

Some real true crime in your life?

MORGUE: [screaming] No!

- [axe thwacking] - [Morgue groaning]

♪

♪

[chimes beeping]

[beeping continues]

Sam? We have to get the carpet cleaned.

I think...

I think the hardware store opens at six.

Sam, I need your help.

- Sam? - SAM: I'm right here, sis.

After all, maybe grandmother didn't kill anybody,

so we can still make this a murder house!

- [Pam gasping] - [Sam grunting]

♪

[phone ringing]

SAM: Good afternoon. Spinster Murder-Suicide House.

This is Sam. I am so sorry, ma'am,

but we have no vacancies until next winter.

That's correct. Thank you, sir.

Well, if you sign up

for our Spinster Murder-Suicide House mailing list,

you'll be one of the first notified of

any of our cancellations.

And we look forward to seeing you too, ma'am.

[chuckling]

Well, sis, I hate to admit it, but you were right.

There's definitely a market for horror.

[laughing]

WOMAN: No, no, no!

Please don't kill me, Miss Spinster!

[grunting]

And now to join my dear grandmother in hell.

[audience applauding]

[chuckling]

[metal clanking]

[screaming]

[groaning]

[laughing]

Granny really was a serial killer!

[laughing]

I'm gonna be rich!

- [door slamming] - [screaming]

♪

♪

[thunder booming]

[laughing]

♪

♪

HARLAN: There's a new sheriff in town, Mr. Bug,

and his name's Harlan King.

Requiestcat in pace, Beetlejuice.

[grunting and chuckles]

Who's next? You know what today is?

It's eight-legged Armageddon day.

Well, now that's really pretty, little lady.

Time to die.

[chuckling]

Pretty shot to hell and gone.

Pretty frickin' dead!

[laughing]

Hello?

[chimes ringing]

HARLAN: King Pest Control?

[chimes ringing]

HARLAN: Shh.

[chimes ringing]

King Pest Control.

[scoffing]

"Step into my parlor," said the asshole spider

to the terror-dominant fly.

"Why, it's mass insecticide!"

The King has arrived!

Excuse me, Mr. King, I'm with a patient, working,

- as you're supposed to be. - I'm done already.

Stinkbugs, spiders, moths, worms.

[blows raspberry] Kaput. Just a couple of birds.

Not many. I left them on the porch.

Please wait in the parlor.

Oh, well, first, I need you to remit my fee

as per our agreement, which I believe came before

this easy chair action?

BRENDA: I'll be right with you.

Sorry, I can't bring all the creepy-crawlies

back to life and kill 'em all over again.

That's not how that works, doctor.

A little professional courtesy would be nice, just sayin'.

[sighs]

Now, you and me,

we're kind of in the same business, aren't we, doc?

Help people eliminate little problems.

Please stop talking.

Mr. King, I trust this is the last time

I will ever see you.

Please feel free to lose my number.

Oh, sure, no problem.

Just, uh, call me whenever you want me back.

What makes you think I would ever want you back?

'Cause there's only one King, and I'm it, doc.

They call back always. You will too.

Bye-bye.

HARLAN: She doesn't know who she's talking to.

She doesn't know how to deal with the public.

"Lose my number!"

Yeah, we'll see about that.

You'll call back.

[bell ringing]

Roaches check in, but they don't check out.

♪

HARLAN: All right, you guys know the drill.

Be fruitful and multiply.

The King has spoken.

♪

Damn it.

Is it East Willard or West Willard Boulevard?

- [engine sputtering] - No, no, no, no, shh.

You're not gonna crap out on me too, are you?

Gonna be stranded in this flooded toilet.

Don't do it. Do not do it.

Shh, come on.

♪

[engine sputtering]

HARLAN: Well, that's great.

Don't bother to have any numbers on the buildings.

Y'ello? King Pest Control!

The King has arrived!

- [Harlan clapping] - Yo?

King Pest Control? You cry, bugs die.

You got about 30 seconds before

- I get out of here. - Mr. King?

- Yeah, that'd be me. - Thank you for coming.

My name is Murdoch. You may call me Mr. Murdoch.

I appreciate your time. I already know that

your services are in great demand.

Uh, yeah, right, yeah. There's only one King.

[chuckling] Of course.

So what's the problem?

Do I gotta guess? Uh, look, I can handle anything

from fleas to alligator infestations.

MURDOCH: I have no doubt whatsoever

as to your efficacy, Mr. King.

You come very highly recommended.

Really? A referral? Who?

MURDOCH: Well, I'm not at liberty to reveal that,

but I do know that you come from decades of experience,

a family trade, in fact,

handed down from your uncle, currently incarcerated?

Hey, what's that gotta do with anything?

Oh, apologies. [chuckling]

Oh, it's immaterial.

It has no bearing at all on our business.

Tell me, Mr. King,

would you enjoy owning a new service van?

HARLAN: What do you mean? The one I got's okay.

Well, I could hear you coming from half a mile away.

Oh, listen, don't be upset.

I believe that I could be the solution of

many such problems of yours,

provided you help me with problems of mine.

Special drugs for special bugs, Mr. Murdoch.

- I make vermin die squirmin'. - Quite.

Well, permit me to apprise you of my problem.

My vermin problem.

See, I have...

I've owned this property for quite some time.

In fact, I have several just like it,

and I'm poised to have them all razed and refurbished

into condominium complexes.

If I'm satisfied with your results,

there could be a great deal more work

just like this for you, full-time work.

[chuckling]

Well, twist my arm, lead me to it.

My problem is I can't begin the renovations

until my infestation issue has been dealt with.

Come take a look.

[birds chirping]

HARLAN: Oh, easy-peasy. No mystery there.

Rats are attracted to the food waste

these vagrants leave lying around,

plus fetid garbage, plus human waste.

I got just the cocktail.

Nitrobenzene plus brotophyllocum.

Vitamin K antagonist anticoagulant.

Kills rats dead.

Hell, it'll kill rabbits, possums.

Just about anything.

♪

I didn't say anything about rats, Mr. King.

You did mention something about human waste?

Well, there you go.

I've tried every conventional method of removing them.

The city officials have been no help.

The civil authorities claim it's not their responsibility.

I've had the police remove them several times.

I've run out of options.

You want me to get rid of these people?

I want you to resolve my vermin issue.

Do you know what they cook in those kettles?

Animals! Stray dogs and cats.

I shudder to think what else they might be cooking.

You know what,

I don't do murder for hire. I'm outta here.

That's all you do, Mr. King! Who do you think you're kidding?

No, no, no, no!

This is not the same as anything that I do!

Of course it is! Here.

Look before you leave, as they say.

Now that is a lot of money.

Surely one of your special chemical cocktails

will do the trick. Drugs for bugs, as you say.

After all, you are the King.

Aren't you?

All hail the King.

HARLAN: Okay, okay, maybe just one.

I-I-I could... I mean, I could do one.

♪

- [crickets chirping] - [animal howling]

♪

♪

[coughing]

♪

It ain't worth it.

♪

Now wait a minute. Sir?

- [man laughing] - HARLAN: Sir?

[grunting]

[blow thudding]

[groaning]

[grunting]

[glass shattering]

[gagging]

[Harlan gasping]

[bubbling]

♪

[electrical buzzing]

♪

Damn it.

How dare you, you frickin' little monster?

In my house? My house?

Gotta give you credit for some balls.

[electrical buzzing]

[heavy breathing]

♪

[Murdoch clapping]

A for effort, Mr. King.

Unfortunately, you lost your nerve, didn't you?

Is that Murdoch?

MURDOCH: That means you're not the King, doesn't it?

No, no, no, what are you doing?

MURDOCH: Oh, and one more thing.

♪

[coughing]

MURDOCH: Now you really are King.

[laughing]

The crap is it now?

♪

Oh.

♪

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

[coughing]

♪

♪

[sirens wailing]

♪

♪

They must've ate it all.

The soup, the poison, every one of 'em.

[phone beeping]

[phone ringing]

MAN: You've reached Murdoch Ventures Limited.

- Please leave a succinct... - [phone beeping]

HARLAN: Ah, the hell with you too,

you one-percent shitbag.

[engine turning]

[van beeping]

[spray hissing]

[humming]

[insect buzzing]

God. See, come on.

[grumbling]

[screaming]

[groaning]

God!

[wings fluttering]

♪

[stammering] Holy shit!

[insect screeching]

[screaming]

[heavy breathing]

♪

[animals chittering]

Damn it, leave me the hell alone!

[muttering]

[chittering continues]

[screaming]

♪

[phone beeping]

MAN: We're sorry. The number you dialed...

[phone beeping]

Shit! Shit!

[insects buzzing]

What the hell?

[spider growling]

[spider hissing]

♪

[screaming]

[groveling]

[screaming]

DEBRA: Mr. King.

Mr. King.

Can you hear me?

What are you doing here?

I need your help. I mean, I need to talk to you.

You're hurt. I called an ambulance.

No! No ambulance, please.

You said you listen to people

and you help them with their problems.

Yes, but you obviously need medical attention.

I'm not equipped.

No, no, no, no, no, please, I've done something!

I've done something bad and I need your help!

You have to help me!

[sighing] Okay. Okay.

[sighing] What's going on.

HARLAN: I don't know why I said yes.

I was gonna say no, but then I saw the guy

with the briefcase and I was like, oh,

and I thought all that dough could solve all my problems

- and... - Mr. King,

you need to slow down.

Take a breath.

Now tell me, what did he want you to do?

"Do what you do best." That's what he said.

"Now they're practically dead already.

They eat dogs and cats and maybe even people."

Who is it that said this to you?

[sobbing]

The devil. [chuckling]

The man who showed up in your bedroom

in the middle of the night in a dream

and now cannot be found, according to you.

I dropped it into the soup, the strongest cocktail I got.

I spent years developing it.

It's a joke. It's my joke.

It's, um, kind of a... what do you call it?

A mixologist of the trade,

the right drug for the right bug?

Nitrobenzene, brotophyllocum, pyrethroids?

They tried to ban it, but if you know the ingredients,

you can roll your own.

DEBRA: That all sounds wonderful, Mr. King.

I'm sure you're very good at what you do.

- I know what you're thinking. - [gasps]

You're thinking I've got some kind of

overblown guilt complex!

Well, I'm beginning to think you need a cocktail too!

Bottoms up, doc!

- [screaming] - [Harlan laughing]

DEBRA: Guilt can be a powerful drug...

but so is sleep deprivation.

You haven't had any sleep in a long time, have you?

[sobbing] No.

How could I?

They come even when I'm asleep.

I see.

I think you need to sit back, close your eyes,

and maybe take a nap.

I can fetch you some warm herbal tea,

if you think

that might help.

♪

I've got a roach problem now,

and I think I know why.

[birds chirping]

♪

♪

[indistinct chattering]

No.

No, no, no!

- No, no. - [footsteps plodding]

- Oh, great. - Hey, doctor?

Doctor, help? Doctor, help me, please!

Please help me! Please, it's me, Harlan King!

You said you'd help!

DEBRA: Damn roaches.

Doc? Doctor? Doc?

It's me, Harlan! Is that the drug?

What are you doing? You said you'd help!

No, no, doctor, please, it's me!

It's me, please! Help me!

Please, help me! What are you doing, it's Harlan!

Please, no, no, no, no, no!

No, it's me! It's me!

- DEBRA: Damn it. - [sobbing] No, please! Please!

[sobbing] No!

[Debra grunting]

[bell ringing]

Coming.

Hello, doctor. Bug problem?

[chuckling]

[laughing]

♪

[thunder cracking]

♪

♪

♪

♪♪