Original subtitles

Come on in.

This is so dumb.

Have a seat.

Okay.

Do you know why I brought you in here? Uh, yeah.

Stupid battery.

That's why I came in here.

So you admit right off the bat that you stole something?

Well, yeah, like they... Everybody's making a big deal about a stupid

battery. This might not even be the right battery that I need.

So why wouldn't you pay for it? Because this... It's like this company...

is rich.

They make so much freaking money.

They can afford to lose a battery.

They don't need the money.

So if someone came into your house and took something from you, you could

justify it because you have a little bit more money than they do?

What? No, like, that doesn't make any sense.

Nobody's going to come into my house and take something from me.

Happens every day.

All over the country.

People take shit that don't belong to them. And then I'll just call my

insurance company.

What? If somebody takes my TV, okay, I have insurance.

What?

Come on. This company makes millions of dollars.

They probably lose plenty by people like you stealing from them.

What? They're losing pennies. Pennies. Maybe 25 cents.

That's their money, not yours.

How are you the one to decide how much money they can revenue or not?

It's not your company.

No, it's not my company. And you're stealing out of my store.

It's not your store. You just work here.

I'm employed to cover the store.

They pay you enough to care this much?

They do.

Okay.

You don't see me going around stealing, do you?

Come on.

Anyway, this isn't about me. It's about you.

So now that I've already got the evidence, why don't you give me your

information and, uh...

We can go from there.

Why would I give you my information?

Because you're caught stealing in my store.

It's either we go through this process or I call the cops.

What?

Oh, come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're going to call the cops because I stole a little battery?

I am.

We have a zero tolerance policy.

Now, it's either you cooperate with me or I call the police.

Don't call the cops.

Don't call the cops. Don't call the cops on me, come on.

Do you want to go to jail?

All right. Could you imagine?

No, don't call the cops, you weirdo.

Don't call the cops.

So give me your information.

Why? Like, why do you need my information? What are you going to do

with it?

I'm going to record who came in here and stole from us.

And then what are you going to do with that?

I'll decide.

What are you going to decide?

I mean, they're going to, well, first of all, I'm not going to let you back in

the store.

Okay, so I'm going to take my picture, put my picture up on the wall, and I

won't come back to this stupid store.

Well, I also need to find out if we're going to prosecute.

Prosecute me for a freaking battery?

Absolutely.

What are you, you're going to take me to court?

I'm going to send you to jail.

You can't. What? You want to call the cops and send me to jail right now or

you want to send me to jail later? So that's what you're doing? Send me to

jail now or send me to jail later?

I'm going to figure that out.

So you don't even know, do you?

I don't even know? You don't even know because you've got to figure it out.

Here's the deal.

I want your information.

I'm going to run and do a background check on you. If this is all your

criminal past, then maybe I'll work something out with you.

But if you go around stealing from all the stores in the area or whatever and

have some sort of long rap sheet, I'm calling the cops.

And you're going to jail. What? So I stole a pair of scissors from the

drugstore last night? I don't need to know all that. Just give me your

information. I'm going to run a background check on you. Well, I'm just

saying, like, I steal all the time. But, like, nobody takes me into a security

office and, like, does this to me.

Well, guess what? You're here now.

You can twitch all you want.

Alright, I'm calling the cops. No, don't call the cops!

Don't! Like, don't! Don't do that to me! I have a really good record. I've never

been caught before.

It's not my problem. I'm like a clean criminal.

You're a clean criminal? I'm a clean criminal.

You know what I mean?

Give me your information and let me check on that.

No, you don't need to know my name.

All right, the cops do then. Okay, fine. My name is Bertha.

I'm Big Bertha.

No, stop it!

I don't even know your name. You don't need to know my name. My name is fucking

Officer.

Officer? Fuck yeah, come on. No, you're like a rented cop. You are not an

officer, man.

Yeah, I went to the academy.

You went to the academy?

I did.

What happened?

None yet.

Come on, tell me what happened. What happened? What happened? What happened?

What's your story? I got injured.

Now you're a rent-a-cop.

Yep. Protecting this store from shoplifters.

You're the weirdest person I've ever met in my life.

Well... Come on!

He's a fairy! This weird person has 911 on speed dial. No, you... Who needs 911

on speed dial?

This guy?

You didn't injure yourself. Put the phone down.

Will you please? Please? Please? No, don't.

You didn't actually call them, did you?

You didn't. No, put the phone down.

They're busy.

Can I? No, can I? Can I?

Real quick. I just want to talk to them.

Can I talk to them really quick? Yeah, we have a perp here.

Huh?

A perp? A perp.

Put the phone down.

This is not a real... You're not actually on the phone with the cops. I

want your information.

She's not cooperating.

Uh-uh. Put the phone down.

Okay, my name... You really want my name? I do.

Okay, I'm gonna give you my name, but you gotta put it on the phone.

I'll call you back.

No, you won't. Okay, bye.

My name is Julia... Roberts.

Julia Roberts.

Julia Roberts.

Mm-hmm. You live locally, Julia?

No, not really. I'm like... With traffic and everything, it's like 20 minutes

sometimes. So what's your address?

That's really personal.

Do you want to come to my house and steal my TV? Is that what this is about?

No.

Why do you need my address?

So I can look up your information.

I already explained this to you. Well, I... You can't... Why do you need my

address to look up my information?

Why don't you just, like, look me up on social media or something? I just gave

you my name.

Should I friend request you to?

Friend request me?

Yeah. Maybe we could be friends sometime.

Yeah. That's not how this works.

Just give me your name and address so I can learn your information and decide

what to do from there.

Do you have like, can I, is this a real ID?

I'm like, I'm nervous because I don't know who you are and you're asking me

for my personal information.

You're in my store stealing, that's why I'm asking.

You know what's really bothering me right now?

What's bothering you?

You keep saying that this is your store, but it's not. I represent the store.

I don't need to get into certain semantics about my job.

Yeah, can you just say this is my job?

Can you just say I work here?

This is my job, and I work here. So follow what I do, or I call the police.

You're not the boss of me.

I am right now.

Oh,

come on!

Now it's over my address? Just because I won't give you my address?

I'll give you a P.O. box. Can I give you my P.O. box?

Give me your damn address.

Sooner or when we get this done, sooner or you can probably be out of here. I,

okay, fine.

I live at three.

49 Firehouse Lane, Temecula, California.

Temecula. The hell you doing way out here?

I just thought I'd come to a place where like... No one knew you and you could

steal?

That's... yeah.

Anyway, I'll be right back.

Oh, okay. Where you going?

To run your information.

All right.

Review the video footage and decide what to do from there.

So don't try anything funny. There's cameras all inside here.

Nobody's gonna watch these tapes back.

We'll see about that.

Nope,

nope, you're not watching me. Nobody's watching me.

I get what I want. That's what I get. I get what

I want every single time

What is this guy?

So, Julia Roberts?

Yep. You're in that movie, Pretty Woman?

Yeah, many years ago.

You know that was you?

Yep.

That address you gave me says Julia Robbie.

Kind of bullshit.

It's close though, right?

You don't look like Erin Brockovich.

Anyway... Erin Brockovich is actually a real person. Did you know that? Yeah, I

know. I saw the movie.

Another story.

We have something in common.

Never mind.

So it turns out you, uh, you do like to shoplift quite a bit, don't you?

Well, you shouldn't even know that. Like, it shouldn't... There should be,

like, no record of that. Well, there is record. In fact, there's record in this

office.

What are you talking?

What?

What do you mean?

I'm going to need you to stand up.

I explained to you there's cameras out there, right?

Yeah. Well, I was watching video footage of you in here while I was out there.

Uh-huh.

Let me see your purse.

This is my purse.

And everything in it belongs to me. Yeah?

Yeah.

The battery that went missing again?

Come on!

You're no fun!

Don't you wanna have some fun? This isn't about fun.

What the fuck?

Did you take this off the wall?

It was right- it was just like right- You didn't even take both pieces!

Oh, I didn't even notice that there were two pieces!

It would be a really nice first summer. It goes really great with my eyes.

All right.

You're probably the first person I brought in here that's getting charged

with stealing the same item twice.

You can't charge me twice.

You stole it twice. Why can't I? I think you're making... Because you're just

making stuff up.

I'm making stuff up?

I just caught you with the fucking items out of this office. But you would never

know. Like, there's no... Look at it.

Can I just show you something?

Maybe this will help you with the store, but there's no tags on it.

You're in my office. It doesn't need tags.

Oh. This isn't for sale.

It looks like it's about ready to be for sale, but I was just, like, thinking,

you know, nobody would notice.

If you took half of it?

Well, and now that I know that there's a second piece, I kind of really want this

one, too.

Yeah?

Did you bring money?

Yeah. I have a credit card. I just don't want to use it.

Clearly.

Yeah, so like, we should just forget about this and just, just let me go home

and we can move on. You can go on with your day and I can just go on with not

having this stuff.

No, I'm going to need to search on you.

I've already found, I found the same item twice on you and you've stolen from

my office directly.

So, so yeah, that happened. And you said you saw, you saw me doing it on the

cameras.

So there's no need to search me. Well, I need to search you because there might

be things that you took while you were in my store that I didn't see. Stop

calling it your store because it's not your store. It's driving me crazy. I

don't care.

My place of employment.

That's better.

So either I do the search or I call the police and they're going to do it.

They're going to take you down to the station and they're going to be really

unpleasant about the whole thing.

I think you're unpleasant about the whole thing.

You steal from my store.

And I'm unpleasant.

That's how it works.

I promise to never steal from your store again because I will never come back to

your store ever again.

Well, we're not going to let you back in the store. But in the meantime, I need

to see if you have anything else that belongs to us. I don't. There's nothing.

Well, I need you to turn around and let me search you.

Shouldn't we have like a woman in here to like watch this?

She's out to lunch.

This is really uncomfortable.

Oh god.

Okay. Relax.

You want me to relax?

Does it actually have to be touching me like that?

Okay. Oh, that's, yep, that's my nipple.

This is so weird.

Oh, come on.

Oh.

Oh.

What's going on here?

What do you, what?

Nothing.

Juan's telling me something down here.

Nothing.

Yeah, I know.

No, nothing.

That's really weird. Juan's telling me. I don't. Juan doesn't lie.

Okay, okay. Listen, this is embarrassing, but I have a piercing down

there.

It's just a piercing.

Yeah? Yeah. I don't buy it.

I'm gonna need you to disrobe. You don't buy it like I don't buy things.

Anyway, I'm gonna need you to disrobe.

Come on, I don't like... The wand is telling me something's going on here. I

need to see for myself.

It's nothing that I stole from your store.

I don't know this. I need you to disrobe.

Can I just like give you a little peeky-boo and then we can, you know, go

on with our days?

No.

Come on, just a little...

and then a little boom, and then boom, and then I go, and then you go, and...

No, I need you to describe.

It's either you do it here, or you get taken to the station and do it.

I sound like a broken record, but... You do!

Oh, God, okay, fine.

Okay, can I just... I'm just gonna... do this.

Don't touch me. Come on.

You've already done all that. What?

That's not a piercing. What is that?

What? This?

It's, um, it's a, it's a, um, it's a, okay.

Okay. I'm going to be really honest with you now. Okay. I'm going to tell you the

truth. All right. Take the panties off.

You don't even want to hear it?

No. What is this?

It's a, um.

sex toy.

Sex toy?

Is this ours?

No, you guys don't sell that stuff here.

The hell are you doing with this?

I'm just like walking around feeling good, you know?

And I'm the weird one.

Um, the battery's running low. It's not vibrating like it should be. And so

that's why I was taking the battery.

I was kind of in a hurry because

Without it, I feel a lot of stress and tension in my body, and I just really I

just really like wanted to happen Um, you know one of those it's an orgasm.

Okay an orgasm And you couldn't just spend five minutes to pay for the

battery No, I'm really busy I guess you needed something sexy to wear with it

usually yeah Well why you've already seen

I found something in you. I don't know what else might be in there. I don't

want to do any more of this.

This is weird.

This is weird? Yes. You're walking around with a fucking toy in your pussy

in my store, and this is weird?

It's not your fucking store, goddammit. It is now.

Okay, you're creepy.

You're really creepy.

Stop. You actually doing this is insane.

What do you think it's funny? It's not funny.

It is funny.

You're calling me creepy and you're walking around my store with this.

That's not creepy. That's normal.

It's not your fucking store.

It's not your fucking store.

Take the shoes off.

My shoes.

Take the shoes off.

But I pay a lot of money for these shoes. I actually paid for these shoes.

I doubt that. No, I did. I really did. I bought them.

Really expensive.

You should have bought cheaper shoes, then you could have afforded batteries.

No, but if I buy cheaper shoes, then I could afford batteries.

I guess that's what you just said. I just said that.

Okay, stand back up.

Arms, arms up, arms up.

Like a bird?

Dude.

All right, you know what? I need to do a cavity search.

No, you don't. I do.

What are you, a gynecologist too?

Yeah, practitioner.

You clearly walk around with things inside your cavity, so... Yeah, but

that's... It's meant to go inside the cavity. It's meant to. It was designed

for that.

I need to see if there's anything else of ours inside you. There isn't. I need

to be clear.

There's nothing in there. I need to be sure. There's nothing else.

Either you let me do it or I call the police.

happening to me.

Don't steal and it wouldn't.

But it's, I steal really little things. Like I don't, I'm not stealing like your

diamond in your ear. Like I could take this. Do you have one in that ear too? I

do. They're matching set kind of like this outfit.

I like those.

They're very nice.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'll make sure to check when you leave that I still have them.

So again, cavity search or I call the police.

Your choice. I don't... I don't... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Please don't.

Please. So you just want me to, like, show you?

I'm gonna look for myself.

So weird.

I don't know. This is like... It just feels like... Like you got caught doing

something wrong?

It feels like... Gross. It feels gross. That's what it feels like. It feels

gross. It all feels gross.

I keep forgetting I'm naked and exposing my titties to you and my vagina.

It's just really... I think I'm gonna have to... It's either you do it with me

or you do it with a police station full of police.

The whole station's gonna watch me?

Probably. They're all gonna be staring while somebody goes into my cavity?

Yes.

I'm gonna see my... I'm gonna get some cavities filled.

I'm gonna get some cavities.

Okay. See it?

So we're done, right?

Nope. That's it. We're done. We're done here.

That's not where I found things.

You want to look in here?

That's okay. Look at that. All right.

Okay.

Fine. Fine. Can we just get this over with? We can.

You quit dicking around.

All right. I'm done dicking around.

All right. Done.

What do you want me to do?

End over.

I'm bent.

Jeez.

Keep going.

This is crazy.

Ow! What?

Oh my god.

Holy.

Oh, what the actual heck?

um excuse me but i'm not sure you're that's it why is this cavity search

still going on because i'm still looking there's nothing there you should know by

now yeah there's it's not like it's not a big space come on what do you think

you're gonna pull out i have no idea you'd be surprised at what i found oh

whoa

And wow, you just went all the way in with your fingers.

Um, excuse me, but I think you're

done, right?

What? All right.

What?

What's the matter?

Huh? What's wrong?

I didn't find anything.

I knew that you were. I told you.

So.

So what?

I can go.

That's it. Well, you seem so disappointed.

I'm trying to figure out what to do now.

Well, I'm going to go home.

No, at this point I call the police.

The whole reason we did all this was so that you would not call the police.

No, this is to determine when I call the police.

Huh?

Yeah.

I mean, I caught you stealing.

The store policy is call the police.

I just need to be thorough on what you stole before I make my report.

Let's just forget about this one.

Like, let's just forget.

Let's just be like, this one didn't even happen.

No, that's pretty significant because you left half of it here.

And you're in my office doing it.

Now this is my office.

You're making me so mad calling it your office. It is my office. You don't.

on this building.

This is my office. You stole from my office.

So now I either call the police or we figure out something else.

Okay, you said figure out something else, so like what? Can I like, can I

maybe, you know, um, vacuum the floor for you or something and just... No, we

have cleaning crew.

Um...

Do you want, like, a coffee? I could go to the coffee shop and get you

something. No, I'm good.

Um... You are standing here.

Yeah. Okay, that's enough.

Okay, weirdo. Okay.

Creepy McCreepster.

You didn't want to say your name in orgasm.

Ugh! it's been three freaking weeks i'm just trying to give myself an orgasm

like it's been three weeks that's why i'm so i'm not normally like this

normally i'm really nice and and um and by your record you steal a lot

we've established that i admitted that yeah it's a hobby that's all but i can

keep you out of jail if you do something for me

Well, I just offered to get you a coffee or something. What do you want, a

sandwich? That's not what I meant.

No?

I think you have an idea of what I want.

No, no,

no, no, no, no.

It's just that I've seen, I watch a lot of like documentaries about creepy men

and... And, like, you remind me of one of them. And it's just... I'm just

trying to process that I am the woman in this situation right now.

You wouldn't be in this situation if you didn't steal from my store.

I didn't steal. This is mine. Why are you looking at this? Whatever. Whatever

you stole.

There's no proof that this is yours. You can't even remember what I stole.

I've got videotapes, so I don't have to remember.

All right. Now you want to cooperate with me or you want me to call the

police?

Because either way, I'm cool.

I don't, I really can't go to jail tonight.

I really can't.

Yeah, it's a Friday. You're going to be in there all weekend. Probably going to

be rain till Monday.

Yeah, I really I got poked and prodded and whatever else goes on I can't it's

see my boyfriend and I we've been together for seven years Yeah, and our

anniversary is tomorrow.

Yeah, we're still fine.

I Didn't get to that point on my day yet. So I don't I ain't steal from

anybody yet for him Like I didn't do that yet. Yeah, but if you'd let me go I

could go

steal from somebody else.

That's the whole point. I don't want you to do that. Why?

Because some other creepy security guard is going to pull me in their office and

do the same thing?

Maybe.

Might even be less friendly than I am.

Alright, listen. I don't want to go to jail.

I don't.

You have two options.

Okay. So my option is what go to fucking jail or do something for you?

You want me to like play with your your ding-a-ling?

Just start with.

You just want me to play with it a little bit? Let's start with. And then

and then we can like.

Decide from there.

Okay let's.

Yeah? Yeah.

They're in jail, right?

Yeah, you're right.

Quicker we're done here, quicker you're out of here. I know, I just really gotta

get out of here.

Yeah. And, like, the cameras are on, and so... I

just want to make sure that my boyfriend of seven years is not going to ever see

this.

Because I'm pretty sure we're getting engaged tomorrow.

You know what I mean? Yeah, but he hasn't given you an orgasm in three

weeks.

Well, he was out of town for work.

He has a really good job. Okay.

Yeah.

He's a doctor.

Yeah? Yeah, he's a doctor.

Yeah.

Cardiologist. Oh, I was hoping he was going to be a psychiatrist.

Maybe he'll help you with your...

What? What do you mean?

Stealing fantasies or fetishes or whatever's going on with you. This is

just my personal. This is like, honestly, between me and you, like now

you are the only person in the world that knows about my hobby.

Your hobby?

This is a hobby. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Mm-hmm.

Well, the results of your hobby are where you're at now.

So if I play with your thing, your thingamajig, you'll let me go home,

right? You did a good job.

If I do a good job, okay.

I'll see how I do.

Okay.

Okay.

You want me to just undo the belt?

Yeah. Right? Like this?

You're sure that there's nothing else I can do? Like, this is it.

This is what it has to be. It can't be anything else.

True.

Okay.

Should I undo this, too?

Whatever makes it easy.

I mean, you've made everything hard so far and now all of a sudden you want to

make it easy for me?

Now it's your turn to make things hard.

Okay.

I'm doing a good job. That's what I'm doing. I'm doing a good job. Are you?

Boyfriend of seven years? Put up with that?

Oh, he loves it.

Oh, he loves it so much.

Okay.

Is that it?

Police it is.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll do better. I'll do better. I'll do better.

I'll do better. I'll do better right now.

This is the best blowjob you've ever had.

You love this so much.

It's going pretty good. Yeah, it's really good.

You've never had it as good as I'm giving it to you. This is like it. This

is like the best.

Okay, so that's it right?

No?

All right then, just get comfy.

Okay.

what is that it i'm all done where are we going okay okay

are you are you thinking about

um putting your your penis inside of me yeah you said you're doing orgasm yeah

that's true i do oh my god

coming in so much trouble.

having sex.

I thought you liked my cock.

Okay.

Um... I... You want me to tell you that I like it?

Yeah.

Um... Uh... Well, I like it.

I like your cock.

Yeah? Yeah.

It's getting me out of jail.

Your cock is my good old jail card, right?

Mm-hmm.

going to steal again.

Yes, I like your cook.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

It overworks.

It overworks.

I'm in a jail.

be able to tell that my pussy's stretched out.

I'm kidding, you don't care.

Yeah. Yeah. I like it. I like your cock.

Okay. Okay.

How much do you like that cock?

I like, I like your cock.

Yeah? Yeah, I like it. I like it. It's great. It's just, it's just good.

I don't believe you.

You don't believe me?

I like it.

Do you like your cock? It's, um, it's, it's like, it's like so big.

It just feels, it feels good.

It's the best I ever had.

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm really good at this.

I'm having a really great time.

What? What?

What? What?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Okay.

Thank you.

To the moon and back.

I like it.

You know, if I were to go in a space shuttle and take off and then do a lap

around the moon and be like, oh, let's go to Mars and then go around there and

Saturn and Jupiter and then back to Earth. That's how much I like it.

You want me to sit on your car?

This is really hard to do without being able to use my hands.

Okay, thank you.

Okay.

It's like I'm at the gym. I'm doing my squats, right?

Oh yeah,

I'm really working it.

Just another workout.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Really feeling it.

I'm feeling the burn.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Oh,

you like that cocking? Yeah. You bet.

Oh, I like it. Yeah.

So good.

That

legs

are burning.

You love that, don't you? Oh, you're cocky.

Okay, let me face you.

It's really weird having you look at me.

Uh-oh,

are you gonna choke me for what I did?

You're bad.

I've been bad. I know I've been really bad.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

I'll ride it.

Oh, I love it so much.

I'm punished, aren't I?

Well, maybe I can see if I became happy on this.

You'll let me, right?

I don't think so. After this, come on.

Yeah, you do.

You're having a grand old time over here.

I'm probably late for my lunch date.

Meet at my girlfriend.

it would be really bad in this situation you know yeah yeah

you're like touching my magic button and it's you

know yeah do you think you want to come

yeah yeah you do you know what i think because i'm running late for my lunch i

think that you should probably just

Think so?

No, I don't think so. I know so.

I love

it. You know, it feels so good.

Do you want me to tell you I like it so much?

I do.

I like it so much.

I want you to come for me.

Oh, no.

Oh, I like it so much.

Oh, it's so good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you so many want to give me a comb.

You need to.

You do.

You should do it.

You should.

It's going to make you feel so much better.

Yeah.

Maybe even let you.

Let me.

You go with this whole outfit.

Mom, it feels so good.

You need it.

You need it so bad.

Yes. You know you're going to give it to me. You want me.

Do it!

Fuck yeah.

Maybe we can get out of my office.

I want to get the fuck out of here as fast as I fucking can.

Did you believe me? I did.

You fucking believed me.

Fuck, buddy.

I'm so mad.

I'm like... Let me just go. Here, fuck this.

Nobody's gonna see me right here.

I just like run out there to the bathroom.