Original subtitles

Your mother was my friend.

What do you want from me?

l wanna help you.

he creature

the being, right on your table.

You really are my father.

Mest

[Scott] Do you think we'll ever find my mom?

[Paul] We'll find her.

Dad, is this the greatest or what?

Look out for the peasant, Dad.

[chuckles] Just kidding.

[Paul exhales]

l had a dream last night.

A falling leaf scratched the hood of the car,

and! the owner had! Us arrested.

Not me, no.

! mean, traveling

all the way from Texas to here,

and I don't have one ache on my body.

What a scam. [laughs]

Um, It's like when you snooker

someone else to get something.

Why do’snooker and scam) sound dishonest?

, Strictly speaking,

guess they are. [chuckles]

That's not like that at all.

! mean, ! agreed to drive the man’s car

to Beverly Hills for $400.

Dad, it's not. It's not a scam, okay?

I was just exaggerating.

Well, the next time you exaggerate,

ggle your eyebrows so I'll know,

[laughs]

Base, come in.

Seventeen.

roceeding on Rodeo.

First base ETA, six minutes,

We copy. Has the driver made you?

No, ’sir, We've had! good cover all the way.

-Watch it, mister, I'm walking here.

-[cane tapping]

Hey. Hey. Hey, cut that out. You're gonna scratch that.

Cut! that out: Give me tha

[shouts, groaning]

[Paul] Oh, great.

-What's going on? -He hit a pedestrian.

That's just great.

Stay with him:

You crossing against the lic

Don't talk fault to me. I didn't hit anybody.

-l'm)So sorry.

-[groaning continues]

[pedestrian] Don't touch him.

You don't touch or move someone who's hurt. Do you wanna paralyze?

It-- It was my fault.

edestrian] It was his fault.

l saw the whole thing.

Like it was deliberate.

What are we gonna do?

Get to a phone.

all an ambulance.

-No! No ambulance. No hospitals.

My brother died in a hospital.

Now look, ! don't want any trouble. I'm going to be all right.

how do you know Witabl injury you got?

And excuse me, but you don't look like no millionaire.

Have you any idea what medical today?

Look, why don't you stay out of this?

l think there's enough confusion already.

Don't worry, mister, they'll not get away with it.

Oh. What have you got in your hand?

Nothing.

Yeah? Well, ! felt something.

Like-- Like somethi

Where did you say the pain was?

Oh, uh, mostly in the back, uh

along the side.

! didn't feel any pain.

[pedestrian] Well, of course not.

I hope, for your sake,

liability insurance is paid up.

Liability insurance?

Oh, good. Here comes a cop.

He can kiss his license goodbye the big shot.

They'll run a computer thing on this,

what kind of driving record he's got.

Look, ! don't wanna make any trouble for you.

If l were you, ! would take advantage of that

before a lawyer gets ahold of this case.

He'll have enough left over for a doctor.

Why don't we just forget this whole thing?

"drive you! -Well, ! do have a doctor,

and he's not far from here if this man

would just help me into the car.

-You want to get in the car? -Just help me.

What are you doing? I had him.

Harry couldn't make it.

You mean that's a real cop?

Yes. Thanks for all your help, mister.

hanks necessary.

[engine starts]

First base.

Seventeen.

No harm, no foul, sir.

We're on the way.

[tires squeal]

What's your doctor's address?

Oh, it's very near here.

Just a couple of blocks east.

What's going on, Dad?

Tighten your seat belts.

[engine revs]

He's made us.

[siren wailing]

Oh, great, tat should bring out

Any corner. I'll get off any corner.

[Paul] Look out!

Hey, man, watch it! Slow down!

[man in back Seat} Hold it! Hold it!

Pull in there! Pull in there!

Hey, slow it down. Slow it down!

Slow it. Hold! it: Hold it:

The car.

Scott, let's cover the car.

[siren wailing Continues]

-We did it. [laughs]

Allright.

Never let it be said that Artemis Guinness

let people in a Rolls-Royce

who were in trouble.

It's only being human.

lmean, what are we?

from another planet? [chuckles]

I'll get it.

[garage door closes]

put what other explanation could there be?

What are we gonna do?

-We have no choice. -[Artemis grunting]

We've got to trust him.

Trust him?

Dad) a minute ago, the man was dying)

When I'touched him, I knew he wasn't hurt.

Ah, there we go.

-What's going on here?

-Right this way, gentlemen.

[chattering]

Hi, Eddie--

the only thing they ask about here is, "Where's the money?" Come on.

[boarder] Okay, I'll take-- Hi, Arty.

Here we are.

Come right in, gentlemen. Make yourselves at home.

Arty, can see you for a minute?

If you'll excuse us, we'll go in the other room.

It's the guy with the cane. They know each other.

More than "know."

There's the unmistakable aura of partnership here.

-You got to be crazy to bring them here. -Shh.

You don't know what happened.

If you knew what happened,

'd be happy ! bringing them here.

-What happened? -Shh.

It was a wild ride, Naughton.

A magnificent Code 3.

Arty; you've lost your mind!

Stop and think a minute.

A man on the lam is a lamb ready for fleecing.

God, in his wisdom,

-[chuckles] -[grunts]

You will be our guests, of course.

goes, Our Casa is your Casa.

so if we could prevail upon you

to tip the gardener, I'll have your luggage brought right up.

Uh, that's okay. We'll get our own stuff.

-Besides, we only have $18.

Tickets to'the stars.

Red lights and sirens.

Red lights and sirens.

Do you know what ! think?

l think they're a couple of con men.

Con men?

Uh, guys who pull scams.

Scams, great!

Don't look so excited!

You know how’ like’ to learn new things:

Yeah.

You smart one. You had to pick on a Rolls-Royce.

told you a Buick, something safe.

A nervous doctor, a scared housewife.

Naughton, the trouble with you

is that you've got an imagination

the size of a mosquito's kidney.

That's why we're living like this.

If we followed every scam that you dreamed up,

we'd be living in San Quentin.

Can't afford the cardboard

to put in my shoes.

I don't know why! put up with you.

[mocking]

Mr. Granite? Paull Forrester.

! drove your car up from Galveston Port.

Well, something's come up, and’! thought

e we could meet someplace.

I got a better idea.

Why don't you tell me where you! are, and we'll come pick up the car.

-Hello? -[dial tone]

Damn it:

What tipped him off?

What's going on?

He said “we.”

aybe he was talking about his wife

ice.

I don't get it.

l mean, Fox usually comes right at us

out in the open.

It's not like him to stay low profile.

until we find out what's going on.

Yeah.

Why don't you put that stuff away?

ou think they don't know what we are?

Middle.

icks tongue] 'm telling you,

we've got gold dumped in our laps.

Yeah, $18 worth.

Did you believe him?

! don't believe that you believed him.

Oh, boy, are you dumb.

Left.

[Naughton chuckles]

[laughs]

Don't call me stupid. You know I can't take compliments.

Naughton, what!am)! gonnaldo with you?

don't know, but whatever you do,

you have to admit, I'still have my touch:

It's child's play. Simplicity itself.

ell you where the pea is?

What's the point?

It's just a game, you know, fun.

The hand is quicker than the eye.

Two will get you five, and that's no lie. Put your money up.

On the table, your two dollars.

Why should put two dollarson the table?

Uh, it's like a bet, Dad.

hought you said this was a game.

-All right, forget the two dollars.

Watch.

What?

Where's the pea?

It's right where you put it. There.

[chuckles]

It's in the middle.

[laughs]

[shells shuffling]

Hold it!

One more time.

Ready, Naughton?

The hand is quicker than the eye.

I think you made a mistake.

l think you're stalling. Just pick the shell it's under.

It's not Under a Shell. It's in your hand.

[chuckles] l'guess, uh, some eyes

are quicker than some hands.

Well, I'm, uh== [clears throat] I'm ready to put my two dollars up now.

where a man has any privacy.

-You're right. [sighs] -Then why don't 1 have any?

You're right. [sighs]

We've gotta figure some way

We need that $400.

Now I know I was right.

Look at this.

Shirley Rosenbloom, CPA.

These guys are definitely con artists.

an, look, these cards.

l mean, the phony accident, the shell game.

It's all classic.

How do you know it's classic?

Well, l saw The Sting.

I mean, tells it all right there.

Explain to me what they do.

there's something weird about that guy.

or he’s a sucker the size of Mount Whitney.

Or both, like you.

Don't you feel it?

The message I'm getting is he

S$ Spooky!

Plain, old-fashioned spooky.

Spooky is trouble.

you listening?

I think we should team up with him.

-You Call that listening?

Will you stop and! think for a minute?

That innocent stare he has,

and with the kid...

-A kid, Naughton.

I'm waiting for the towel.

There's your towel.

ou look down on us, huh? On what we do?

You're morally outraged.

No, no. My dad's not like that.

Arty.

Paul, my friend, everyone is a con man one way or the other.

You find someone that's greedy,

you'll find somebody that's ripe.

As the saying goes, you cannot cheat an honest man.

Why not?

I don't know. Tell him why.

Everybody knows why.

It's a saying.

And ! believe it. I've lived my life by it.

And teach them /a very valuable lesson

for what's really a contemptibly

small fee, considering the result.

Are they grateful for this lesson?

Well, they--

0 find out.

-[Artemis] That's right. -[knock at door]

-Harry, Harry. Come on in, Harry. -Harry.

[Artemis] Say hello to Paul and Scott. Say hello to Harry.

How are you doing?

l, uh, left it in the icebox.

! couldn't help it: 1 was working a dodge

over in Glendale with Betty.

I just stopped by to apologize.

[Naughton chuckles]

Why are they staring at me?

are after them. [chuckles]

He's not a real cop.

[exhales]

He looks real.

That's-- That's the idea. [chuckles]

What do you do?

I'm a photographer.

Yeah? Great hustle.

-Well, nice to meet you.

-See you later, Harry.

Needs more mayo.

Yeah, yeah. Next time.

-So, uh, you're a photographer?

-That's right.

You really must be doing okay

Oh, that's not mine. I just drove it up from Texas.

l'm supposed to wet $400

[Artemis] The law isn't after us.

Listen, we can get your car first thing in the morning,

deliver it, pick up the 400.

-Case is closed.

Oh, ! wouldn't wanna get either one of you in trouble.

Arty, you listening?

[laughs] Where are the keys?

Huh?

I mean, they're admitted con men.

Like they say, you can't cheat an honest man.

We're honest.

Besides, we need

What's the worst thing can happen?

[Artemis] ! may be long in the tooth,

! may have a touch of arthritis,

-Him or me? -He's out of our league.

about him being a photographer, did you?

It doesn't matter.

[laughs]

You mean the man who, last week, bought a machine

that turns seawater into 92-octane

lead-free gasoline?

You mean that Artemis Guinness? [laughs]

Then why did you buy it?

For the score.

It's portable.

What do you suppose this is?

‘t think you should! be poking) around

in their things.

> beeping]

-l'm just looking.

Great!) Now, we'll never have to worry about where our next meal is coming from.

-Are you wiggling your eyebrows?

-[beeping continues]

[chuckles]

[beeping stops]

Arty, you know, it's time we faced facts.

scheming and dreaming.

We're never gonna’ score big)

We're nothing but two-bit grifters.

Naughton, wake up.

Smell the leather, touch the wood.

-What do you Call this?

-Somebody else's car.

We're not stealing this car.

We're just borrowing it for a couple of days.

Arty, what's gotten into you?

Think of the scams

hat we can pull with this.

You know the way people are.

Pull this car over now.

bwilly willy P willy allright.

Now, I wanna tell you something.

lam tired of you and your pulling me down all the time.

But if you don't wanna

long with the ride, that is okay.

I mean, that is very okay with me.

You're getting greedy.

You know what happens to greedy people?

Get out of the car.

Go on. Get out!

With pleasure.

I'm moving out.

-Naughton-- -Good luck, Arty.

And to hell with you.

[engine starts]

The old fool.

[siren wailing]

I don't believe it:

[tires screech]

Allright;

[radio chatter]

All right, Forrester. Get out of the car.

[whirring]

of Treasury notes here somewhere.

[federal agent] Yes, sir.

pecial Agent Howard

of the United States Treasury Department.

We've got you cold, Forrester.

I'm not Paul Forrester.

in this little operation, Forrester.

but if you don't cooperate...

My name is Artemis Guinness. I'm al nobody.

yesterday afternoon on the street.

Actually, he ran into me.

My card, sir.

Dr. Morton Walker, chiropodist.

My driver's license.

Shirley Rosenbloom?

is iS no joking matter, Forrester.

You're in a very deep trouble here.

The Computes run popped up

andl have already notified the FSA.

What red flag?

[federal agent] We found it.

-Good work, Bert. -Thank you, sir.

Eighteen dollars?

The man only had $18?

Let's take it back to the Gifle ;

I'm better off without him.

Where do you think he might be?

l don't know, and ! don't care.

Well, we care. We need the money.

Don't hold your breath.

Decided to borrow the car for a couple of days,

work the millionaire scam.

and his dreams of the big sting.

Good riddance. 1 should have walked away years ago.

You don't mean that.

Watch me.

You're good friends who need! each other.

Well, if you think that, it just proves

what good con artists we are.

What lthink is) you're conning yourself.

Well, thank you, Joyce Brothers.

think I recognize closeness in people.

You'll miss your friend.

-[phone rings]

_..but that's the way

-[Artemis] Hello, uh, counselor.

This is Artemis Guinness.

Before you say anything, counselor,

uh, the federal agents here were kind enough to me

to let me make this call to you as my attorney.

What federal agents?

if this is another one

of your idiot scams...

That's right) Counselor. I'min custody.

he Treasury agents,

ve taken the handcuffs off.

Arty, if this is a gag...

You Understand?

There was ten million dollars

What?

Okay, I've got it. Okay, thank you.

as soon as I can locate a judge?

Thank you.

What Was this about a federal agent?

All right, now. Who the hell are you?

And don't give me any bull about $400 to deliver a car.

He's in trouble, isn't he?

He was arrested by Treasury agents

and they found the money you hid in the car.

What money?

Ten million dollars.

For a lousy ten million, you let that man

he arrested by Treasury agents

not the FSA?

he was my best friend,

the only friend I have in this world.

There's never been an argument

Where did that idiot put those legal forms?

How are the burgers?

Edible.

You should have gone

Little rubbery, but not bad.

-Agent Howard -Yes.

NY)

I'm George Fox. I'm with the Federal Security Agency.

-How do you do?

office called. 1 was in Phoenix.

My

Where is he?

You're looking at him.

tried to tell ‘em.

[stammers]

[Howard] We've been following the car, not the driver.

[scoffs]

Fill’ me in.

Arty usually signs judges names.

I just don't have the knack.

Where's my blue shirt?

-What are you doing? -Leaving.

What?

Dad, that wasn't even Fox.

It was Treasury agents.

They weren't after us.

They were after the car.

They're sure to notify Washington

if they haven't already.

You know how the agencies interlock.

Where are we gonna go?

Look, the last ten bucks we spent was on the pizza.

Well, yes, but we have our freedom too.

We'll manage. We've managed before.

[sighs]

[sighs]! wish things could be different.

That's okay.

As long as we're t together,

I've never seen so much money in all my life.

That's what youl!say? Not even a) hello?

Hello. I've never seen so much money

-They let you out? -Yes.

l was writing you a note.

Why did he let you go?

I don't know.

This weird) little guy came in

and started asking a bunch of questions

and suddenly, I was on the street.

He's not a fun person either.

And by the way, what are you? Some kind of a spy or something?

He said he was chasing you for 14 years.

What did! he say when he let you go?

Uh, well, I really don't remember.

"Good night. Have a nice day.

l really wasn't listening.

I was, uh, you’ know, happy hitting the bricks. [laughs]

Good night. Have a nice day.

Hey, wait a minute.

What's their problem?

I got no idea.

But why are you dressed like that?

You look like a lawyer.

[tires squeal]

[siren blares]

God. You follow. I'll cover the alley.

[officer] Hey!

[Fox] Don't lose them:

[officer] Halt! Police!

[Scott] Dad!

[Paul] Go!

-The kid got away, Mr. Fox. -All right.

! don't think he'll go far. You go find him.

[Fox] I'm not going to argue with you about it, Mr. Howard.

! will tell/ you this.

is more to Paul Forreste

than stolen Treasury notes.

Mr. Howard) I'd! like to be alone with him)!

Where's Scott?

Well, don't worry.

I don't think so.

Do you have that much contempt for the people of this earth?

No.

Did! you think that we wouldn't understand

the danger to our species

in allowing him to grow up?

He's a child.

hildren are the hope of your species

not the danger.

Earth's children,

human children, not your’alien seed!

How many more of you are’ there out there?

How deeply have you infected us?

How many will have to be excised to save our planet?

is that all you wanna ask me?

[radio chatter]

Look, but you gotta help him. Look, it's your fault he's in there.

- This.

you kidding? You want to give him a marble?

[Naughton] Kid, even if we wanted to help him, there's no way.

One) we're not sure where they have him,

and two, for all you know, they could have

the US Marines guarding him.

But he's my dad.

He's all I've got.

No, you don't know.

You guys call yourselves friends, but you don't even like each other.

No, you don't know,

but! know.

l mean, I thought We were like brothers.

Yeah, like brothers.

What are you thinking?

Do you still) have that machine you! bought?

Yeah.

-Do you remember Dr. Sylvester?

I got a weird idea.

Sit’down.

Tell me about this George Fox.

What kinda guy is he? Everything you can remember.

Well, we're all packed.

or who the devil he is

but Washington gave you

an unequivocal priority one.

They told me if you need’ any of my men--

't be necessary.

Mr. Fox, that guy's back outside.

He sae he HiEEESiOSeSIYeU: Says he has

-[Fox] The old guy? -[Wylie] Yeah.

Allright.

Did you get that elogrea off

Uh, not yet, sir.

What are you waiting for? The rates to go down?

Justa minute, sir.

George Fox?

No, he's busy. I'm his assistant.

I'm Doctor Sylvester, Bethesda Naval Hospital.

I'm here for the preliminary

-S -Paul Forrester.

General Wade wants a report on his desk

before you land at Dulles.

Bring that in, please.

get the Rolls ready to travel, will

The IRS confiscated it,

and they're sending a man down to pick it up.

Yes, sir.

Put that over here, please.

Thank you.

Hello:

! am Dr. Sylvester.

You are?

You, get those chains off him.

I'm having difficulty ie

-Well, let me start over again.

The boy, um-- Where was I?

rrester.

All you'll feel is a little sting.

[device beeping]

Now, just cooperate.

We're all of Us made of chemicals, you know?

Chemicals and energy.

and normal plastic IPC enzymes.

a foreign substance in you,

and what! intend! to do is extract it.

You'll feel much better after that.

We'll take a potassium count first

and then

What comes next is what's important.

You see, by removing

glucose malabsorption

it should clear your body's imino acids.

Not amino, but imino.

Do you understand?

*{Paul] I'm notaldoctor, -[Naughton] Of course not!

Am 1?

Mr. Fox, l am trying to tell you.

You're trying something, a friend

-[door slams]

Wylie? Wylie? Who is this?

Sylvester,

Bethesda Naval Hospital.

-l feel empty, lighter.

Done it: I've isolated the alien:

l can't'believe it:

He's finally out of me. I'm free.

You’ should have seen it, Mr. Fox.

You, step away from him.

You; go out and about the guy outside:

I think they're partners.

You...

You get on your feet.

-Who do you Salts 7 eu ‘re dealing with?

Some kind! of street corner mark?

Thanks for your help, doctor.

Drive carefully.

He's gone, Mr. Fox.

All right, never mind.

Let's get him to the safe house.

You.

You must be crazy.

You think you could pull a con like that on me and get away with it?

Well, you got about ten seconds to get your junk out of that

before somebody calls the police.

You know what I think, Mr. Fox? We should probably notify the AMA.

to practice medicine.

wylie.

e, le f Ss o O.

[groaning]

Oh, my God, ! hit him.

Where does it hurt?

Ah, this looks bad.

Somebody better call the paramedics.

No! No hospitals.

My brother died at a hospital.

Well, 1 wasn't driving, he was.

estrian] It's okay,

l saw the whole thing.

license, huh?

[Harry] Out of

Shh. Don't try to take me out.

Stay here.

Scott, give me your sphere.

[sphere whirring]

but do you think we could speed d this up?

We're transporting a prisoner.

Look, first thing,

get yourself a good lawyer.

You ought to get a couple of million out of this.

What are you telling him?

[tires squeal]

wylie!

Who's driving the van?

He's driving it.

How?

-[Sphere whirring] -Oh, God.

[horns honking]

-FSA. -IRS.

“Shh.

[siren wailing]

[wailing continues]

It's.an illusion.

It'san illusion. 1 know him.

Keep going.

Mr. Fox!

Keep going! Wylie?

[screams]

[shouts, grunts]

[car crashes]

Wylie, the, uh, telegram to Generall Wade

you didn't send it, did you?

knew it:

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. Here we go. Here we go.

Sometimes fa

ist and sometimes slow.

You gotta be kidding.

The hand is quicker than the eye.

Step right up.

-TWo will get you five, and that's no lie.

a

and an unusual few days.

Most entertaining, [laughs]

Goodbye, and thanks for your help.

llearned’a lot:

Oh, yeah, you should see him

flip through three-card monte.

Slow pickings out there.

if you're ever in the neighborhood...

Id 1, uh, that little

silver ball again, huh?

Oh, come on.

Do you think I'm gonna steal it? [laughs]

Like he said, he's learned a lot.

[laughs]

Well, goodbye, lads.

-Goodbye. -So long.

You! didn't.

Tellme that you didn't-- Not the rent!

Come’ on, Will) you relax? lgot them cheap.

Why? Why did you buy them?

I don't know yet.

and when I do, Naughton, it'll be big.

It'll be very big.

Tell me about the rabbits, Arty.

! don't think that's funny, Naughton.

You know, you don't really know what you've got until it's gone.

-Hmm? -The Rolls-Royce.

Oh, what a way to travel.

Quiet, relaxed ride.

Ah) the rich smell) of Wood! and! leather.

This walk is like that.

Quiet, relaxed.

hose guys will ever

pull off the big scam? Strike it rich?

Oh, ! think they already have.

I don't get it.

Welly they thought they were So poor.

They've got more t

and mansions in Beverly Hills.

A friend.

A partner they can depend on.

[vehicle approaching]

[tires screech]

[driver] Hop in, guys.