Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: This program is rated 14+,

and contains scenes of violence, coarse language,

and mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

[ Both laugh ]

Date number seven. I know, it's so crazy.

I can't believe I'm about to meet your son.

I know, I know. I mean, so exciting.

Is it too crazy? No, it's right on time.

Okay. Well, you've talked him up.

I'm pretty intimidated. Oh, don't be.

I mean, some guys are so weird about the single-mom thing,

but I'm just glad you like kids.

I love kids.

Alright, wait. Before we head in there,

what can I do to impress him?

How can I make him like me?

Oh, no. I mean, you do, like, improv stuff, right?

[ Laughs ] If you did, like,

an impersonation or a funny voice, he'd adore you.

?

- Hey, mommy. - Hey, Kyle. This is Jay.

[Jamaican accent] Hey, man. It's a-me, Barack Obama.

Welcome to Jamaica.

[Random accents] What's up, guys?

We're doing 500 impressions in five minutes.

Oh, Lois, you got the best body in town.

Kyle, you have such a beautiful mom.

I love her so much.

I'm Christopher Walken.

You talkin' to me?

Hey, I'm from Boston over here.

But I'm SpongeBob. And he's Mexican.

What's the de- What's the deal with...

I'm your new dad now.

It's-a "Shawshank Redemption."

I'm-a Vietnamese-a Morgan Freeman.

?

Welcome to "The Terrors."

[ Mouse clicking ]

I'm in.

So, apparently, they did all these, like,

CIA secret military experiments here.

Honestly, it's pretty spooky.

What was that?

[ Clattering ]

[ Breathing deeply ]

Hello?

Hello?

I think I found something.

If you were watching this, it all went wrong.

We were tasked with solving the male-loneliness epidemic.

But nothing has worked.

These guys- they are lonelier than we thought.

And, um, it's all gotten out of hand.

Okay...

A24. Microdosing. Big Thief.

Ketamine for mental health.

Drag City's music and comedy.

Oh, hey, dude.

Hey, did you know that David Lynch was

super into transcendental meditation?

He meditated twice a day.

They're revamping "The Holy Grail" on Blu-ray!

[ Panting ]

So, I think these guys-

these patients are still kind of alive.

[ Rattling ]

I thought they were dangerous at first,

but they may be kind of harmless.

Is that...

Close. Aesop.

Isn't it "Ay-sop?" No.

Just kind of, like, mildly annoying.

I mean, it's something that you-

as you mature, you want to have your-

Dogecoin's, like, a joke, but at the same time,

like, the underlying technology is the same.

They subsist on non-alcoholic IPAs and tinned fish.

I would never, like, bring this into the office,

but the omega-3s just for, like, a power lunch.

They're, like, passionate

about music, but they don't play songs.

They just, like, tune their guitars and noodle.

And Mk.gee is actually one of the producers

of Justin Bieber's "Swag."

Cold tub, and it's going to shock the

parasympathetic nervous system,

which basically calms the vagus nerve.

And I've been doing this for like...

First off, um,

looking at, of course, Wim Wenders' "Paris, Texas."

So, this movie basically opened up a lot for me.

Spike Lee, "Do the Right Thing."

Sometimes, they get overstimulated

and talk past each other.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Buzzing ]

I think I found the rest of the video.

We stole real DNA from celebrities

that these guys just wanted to talk to,

thinking it would bring them some sort of peace.

And I told them it was wrong.

They just gave these guys too much of what they wanted,

and their brains couldn't handle it.

Hey, what are we watching? [ Screams ]

[ Rock music playing ]

Alright. How are you, what-the-fuckers,

what-the-fuck buddies, what-the-fucking idiots?

I'm Marc Maron. This is my podcast.

Welcome to it. Today, I'm talking to Patient 57901.

Thanks for having me. Yeah.

Well, you know, it's great to have you back again.

Do you think there's a connection between,

like, music and comedy?

Well, that's a good question.

You know, why don't I ask you that?

I think- Um, so...

Hey, hey! Get me out of here!

Get me out of here! Just fucking kill me!

Kill me! Just fucking kill me!

[ Static crackles, screaming ]

I wish I had some better news,

but the scans came back,

and there's a large mass in your brain.

It's a glioblastoma.

There's no sugar-coating

how challenging the next few months are going to be.

At this point, it's just about making...

?

[ Sighs ] What the hell am I going to say?

Sorry?

Oh, uh, nothing, nothing.

I just, uh, you know...

?

I know I want to do my own thing.

A quote would be nice.

Oh, wow.

[ Clears throat ] Oh, wow!

Kind of quippy, but not jokey.

Quippy, not jokey.

"Money can't buy life."

[Jamaican accent] Hey, mon, money can't buy life.

[ Normal voice ] Money... Maybe something philosophical.

[British accent] "Either the wallpaper goes or I do."

?

[ Normal voice ] Oh. But it has to be me.

[British accent] Either the wallpaper...

[Irish accent] Either the wallpaper goes or I do.

[ Normal voice ] I just don't want to say anything hack.

Rob, sweetie, take a break.

I need you to eat.

Oh, fuck!

What? What? I just had it.

I literally- It was- And then I- Oh, my God!

What was it?

Ugh! Dying, quippy, wife, annoying,

marriage, regret, dinner, interruptions.

Oh! Interrupting.

Maybe that's- Maybe there's something...

We often think

that interruptions get in the way of life.

But life itself is a series...

Oh, come on! That's too long!

Okay, okay.

Man: Okay, sir, so, just to reiterate,

you're unsatisfied with the TaskRabbit

you hired to write your last words?

What? Uh... yes, that's it.

Are you okay? Do you have family around?

Yeah, they're always around.

Hey... what would you do?

How would you say it?

Oh, I don't know. "I love my family"?

Yeah.

- Mom, should I come home? - Oh, no.

Uh, I don't want you to see him like this.

Rob: If you waitresses- Ah, fuck!

It's too fucking jokey.

Daughter: See him like what?

- Sandra: Um... - Rob: Sandra!

Can Warner Bros. sue me if I say,

"That's all, folks"?

Mom, is he in pain?

?

Yes.

Rob: I'm going home.

Oh, my God. Is he okay?

I'll see you in your dreams.

Oh, yeah. He's just practicing.

It's almost over.

This isn't the end of my life.

Because you are my life.

So if you're still here...

so am I.

[ Groans ]

[ Flatline ]

Huh. Not bad.

What?

Eh, it's a little long, a little maudlin,

like, "Look at me," but not bad.

Excuse me?

Just a little long.

I mean, I'm probably going tomorrow.

If you want to hear mine,

I've got 'em pretty much locked down.

What do you mean you're probably going?

To die.

My wife

went to get me soup just now,

but, uh, yeah,

I'm going to say my last words tomorrow.

Probably.

It's looking like.

Okay.

?

[ Groaning ]

?

[ Gasps ]

[ Flatline ]

N-Nurse?

Nurse, can we get someone to help in here?

There's two dead men in here. Please!

?

?

?

?

Alright. Oh. "Scanners."

David Cronenberg.

Um, the way that he plays with human flesh and the body

really inspires me as an artist, and I would...

What is that guy smoking? For real.

Um, I would love to know,

because I would love to hit some of that and...

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