Original subtitles

[TV static drones]

They're costly, they're complicated,

and if botched, they can be unsightly, even painful.

I'm speaking, of course, about adult animated TV shows.

With me is noted cartooniologist Dr. Hans Viener.

Dr. Viener, what is your biggest worry about these shows?

Season three.

At that point, there's a significant risk

of desperately trying to keep viewers engaged

by parodying another, more popular show or movie

in an attempt to leech some buzz.

Family GuydidStar Wars.

The SimpsonsdidCape Fear.

The Great Northdid Bob's Burgers

but in winter jackets.

This shameless season three animated parody you speak of,

do you think that could happen here?

Look around.

We're already in the middle of aLast of Usparody.

[TV static drones, crow caws]

[crow caws]

It appears that I am... the last of us.

And by "us," I mean rugged yet refined DILFs

whose breathy voices can make anything sound sexy.

Garlic powder.

Prebiotic soda.

Conjugated verbs.

Character actor Richard Kind.

Sign gags.

[theme music playing]

[upbeat pop music playing]

Okay, Singles Night,

which lucky fella am I leaving with?

[wheezing]

[inaudible]

Maybe I should go back to hooking up with married guys.

These guys aren't so bad if you squint your eyes,

and then keep squinting until they're closed.

Aww, I think they're cute.

It's adorable watching them try to pick up women

in the same room as a certified Grimsburg 8.

Notarized and everything.

Hey, baby. You like antiquing?

'Cause my junk hasn't been touched in years.

Eww! Go away, Skid Marcus.

Yeah, gross.

Let me show you how it's done, Skid.

Hey, baby. You like antiquing?

[inaudible]

[scoffs] You'd rather that guy buy you a- wait.

She's buying him a drink? That can't be legal.

Stop talking.

I don't want to hear your voice when I'm looking at that.

Come on. Handsome stranger just rolls into town?

This is a Lifetime movie waiting to happen.

He's probably a serial killer or a gay cowboy.

Could be both.

Gay cowboys can be anything they wanna be.

Wait. The uggos are embracing him too?

But macho men are their natural enemy.

[ominous music playing]

[hissing]

Something's not right here,

and I'm gonna get too drunk tonight

to figure it out.

So, how was Singles Night?

It was a total bust in that I didn't get

to motorboat a single bust.

Because you spent the night

obsessing over some guy who was hotter than you.

The guy with the girls fawning over him was hotter than me?

I'd love to know what you think hot is.

Hey, what did your dead husband even look like?

Because I don't think I've ever even seen him.

Let's see a pic.

From when he was alive, obviously.

I'm sure by now his face is a real creepshow.

My... husband?

But I... [stammers]

I don't have any photos of him.

- [splashing water echoing] - [radio static]

[male dispatcher on PA] All units, all units...

must be in Imperial measurements.

Also, report of multiple men

loitering six furlongs from here.

[siren wailing]

[guns clicking]

Jeffrey Dean Morgan!

There's at least 20 hot older guys in here now!

All with salt and pepper hair, perfectly manicured beards,

tons of jewelry but it somehow registers as masculine.

I've heard of this.

Let me check my Pocket Urban Dictionary.

"Zaddy: an attractive, fashionable,

charismatic older man who takes pride in his eclectic hobbies."

Huh. We used to just call them "gay guys."

Wait.

Skid Marcus?

How did you get hotter than me? Tell me.

Was it surgery?

A HIIT workout with two Is? Three Is?

What Hims product are you on?

Whoa, whoa! Flute, settle down.

I'll handle this.

When exactly did you begin to Goldblum?

Bring it in.

I do love an unscheduled hug.

[hissing, screeching]

Um... you guys?

[pained groaning]

[straining] What's happening...

to me?

I've watched enough prestige TV in bed

to know what this is.

We're in a full-blown Zaddy apocalypse!

[guitar chord rings]

Wanna jam?

[guitar chords playing]

Oh, God!

They don't realize they're too old to learn guitar!

Run!

[Zaddies groaning]

[man] Ooh, yeah.

My God, the hotness seems to be spreading.

This is amazing.

I know, right?

I wonder how it's being transmitted.

Is it airborne like spores, or like shared Ozempic needles?

[mocking voice] Uh, gee, let me calculate that

on my Bunsen burner.

[normal voice] Just relax and enjoy it.

This is the first pandemic for the ladies.

Buy you a cup of coffee?

Making own mug.

Do you always travel with your own pottery wheel?

You must have a pretty big... backseat.

Hey, what's your last memory before you got hot?

- Did you get bit by a sexy bat? - [camera shutter clicks]

Dutch... angle.

Summers! You got infected?

Harm, we gotta figure out what's going on here.

I'm gonna take him back and run some tests.

What? Oh, yeah.

Um, I'm gonna run some tests on my guy too.

Ooh.

Maybe even an... oral exam?

[groaning]

Ah! Please, no!

They'll kick me out of my bowling league

if I'm too sexy!

[groaning]

[raspy] Pour over coffee.

This is bad. They're turning fast.

- [groaning] - Vintage tube speakers.

Peptides.

Before you know it, this place will be San Diego.

I don't want to live in a world

where every man spends $100 on a hat.

Oh, God.

A whole town full of guys... who are hotter than me.

Why are you stopping?

Because pretty soon on the scientific scale

of "Hottie or Nottie?" I will be the nottie.

And my looks mean too much to me to let that happen.

I'm sorry, Martinez, but there's no other way.

Do it! Hug me!

Make me your brah, bro!

Come on, man. Bring it in.

Flute! No!

[deep booming]

Well, I guess this is good-bye.

And I'll miss you too, Belle.

You were a nice place to rest my mug

when there wasn't a table around.

Wait, why is nothing happening?

I mean, he bro-hugged me,

even did the two obligatory back-pats,

and not a single hemp bracelet.

[gasps] You must be immune.

But if I can't get infected, then once every guy

becomes a Zaddy, that'll make me...

the ugliest man in the world.

Thanks for taking my spot, Flute.

You're welcome, Ted Cruz.

- [all groaning] - Nautical antiques.

It doesn't make any sense.

Why would I be immune to getting zaddified?

Maybe you have a mutated gene

like the guy who works in payroll.

Oh, right, Mutated Gene. Good guy.

Well, now that I'm officially ugly,

I guess I'll have to develop a personality.

Might even have to start listening to women.

- That wouldn't be- - Ugh, that'll never work.

- [horn honks] - Now I'm never gonna get

that sweet, sweet nasty again.

[radio static]

[man on radio] If you can hear this,

we are an anti-Zaddy resistance group.

If anyone out there is immune,

we need your help to develop a cure.

Join us at the one place attractive people

would never be caught dead.

The biggest warehouse club in town.

[both] CostLand.

[engine sputtering]

[metallic clanking]

Upgrade engine block.

Ugh, these sexy dummies are too obsessed

with their annoying hobbies.

Then I guess we'll have to take the horse

that's conveniently wandered right there.

[horse snorts]

It's the only way.

And luckily it's also the most cinematic.

Don't worry, Summers, I'm gonna figure out how to fix you.

- Street photography. - [camera shutter clicks]

Candid. Bokeh.

I've been collecting vaccines since RFK banned them.

This was one Kyrie Irving refused to take.

And this one might be heroin,

but a lot of good music's been made on this.

Ah, I think this might work.

- [metallic clank] - Oh, yeah.

You don't have a bloodstream.

Well, I do!

I might need to try another method.

[muffled saxophone playing jazzy music]

[Vernadette, muffled] Definitely heroin!

[Flute] I had no idea you knew how to drive horses.

And I'm also surprised you're not into these Zaddies.

I don't mean that in a bad way.

I just mean as a woman of your age and desperation.

Looks are only part of attraction, Flute.

And those guys ain't my type.

And what is your type?

What was your dead husband like before he was dead?

I don't talk about my...

- [water splashing echoing] - ...husband.

Dead husband.

And I feel like there's something

you're not telling me about him,

but I'm gonna sniff it out.

When we're not on this horse, of course.

It's hard to smell anything else.

- [Kang, over speaker] Stop. - [horse whinnies]

Don't go any further...

away because we want you to have dinner with us.

- Was that confusing? - Kang?

So glad you could join us.

This one cooked enough for a small army.

You take such good care of me.

Well, someone needs to.

So you two live here together?

How did th- like "together" together?

Kinda feels out of nowhere.

No, it was hinted at a little in season one,

and then we really found each other

during this pandemic.

Maybe this highlight reel will help.

[TV clicks, static drones]

I want you to know... I'm not gay.

I know.

I'm actually super straight.

No, no, totally.

Just so we're clear-

Mmm, you do not even have to say it.

You agree this means nothing?

[exhales] I do.

[bear roars]

Hoping for the Emmy, but you know,

we'd take a GLAAD Award.

So all of that happened since the pandemic started yesterday?

Best 18 hours of my life.

- [groaning] - Small batch bourbon.

[both moaning, smooching]

[grunts] Let's get you out of this shirt.

[giggles]

Oh, and this one. And this one.

Huh. You guys sure like your layers. [chuckles]

- One sec. - [phone line rings]

Hey, Wynona, have you noticed anything weird about these guys?

Yes! It seems the longer this goes,

the more preoccupied they are

with masculine hobbies they suck at.

So I'm gonna try to snap him out of it

by using emotional triggers tied to his pre-Zaddy identity.

Summers, it's the Cuddle Crew.

They wanna cuddle with the old you.

[camera shutter clicks]

Black and white. Artsy.

Oh, God. That only made it worse.

Now he's showing me his work.

Wow, what a great eye.

So subversive.

[whispers] Help!

The infection even made it out here.

Look, another abandoned mid-sized sedan.

Poor guy. He's probably now driving

a vintage Beemer, top down,

drumming along to Father John Misty

on the dashboard.

Then we better keep our eyes peeled.

- Sounds like maybe... - [horse whinnies]

you need our help.

We're the Stars.

Brad Pitt? Michael B. Jordan?

Leo D. Caprio?

What is this, some kind of religious cult?

Nah, the Stars are a rebel faction.

Although, being from Hollywood,

many of us are also in religious cults.

This pandemic is a serious threat

to us professional handsomes.

If anyone can be hot, that means we're not special.

And if we're not special, that means people won't put up

with our weird behavior and mediocre side hustles.

Right, Ryan Reynolds?

Right.

And if that happens,

I'll go broke and may need a loan.

At Minute Loans, we provide fast,

easy money when you need it.

Why? Because I can't keep

selling gin, phones,

or self-awareness forever.

[deep sigh]

How will I get 20-year-old models on boats?

Am I gonna have to start dating 25-year-old models?

On land?

Us Weeklyis wrong.

We're not supposed to be just like you.

Yeah. We're the hot ones.

The ones who are all equally as hot as each other.

- [Stars grumbling] - Eh, thanks, Adrien.

Anyway, we heard you're going to CostLand.

We'll escort you there safely in our G-Wagons.

- [whistles] - [whistles]

[tires screeching]

I have to say,

and this goes for every single one of you here...

boy, I thought you'd be taller.

Oh, God!

What are these Zaddies doing?

Make own pizza dough!

[tires screeching]

Refurbished old Bronco myself.

Flying classic helicopter!

[explosion booms]

[gasps] Their performative masculinity

will destroy us all.

We gotta do something. It's bad out there.

It's bad in here too.

His photography hobby has become an obsession.

He's gotten into lenses. Lenses!

Fifty millimeter. Zeiss Otus.

Tilt shift for architecture.

[both screaming]

- [bell dings] - Oh, my God!

I love this place!

Shelled pistachios and a Jacuzzi in the same store.

Stan! I wondered where you were.

The thought absolutely crossed my mind.

I didn't really map onto any of the characters for the parody.

I mean, it would've made sense

for me to be the kid who's immune,

but I get why you'd wanna take

the most important role for yourself.

Okay, well, glad you're here.

We can cut the whole Stan part if we're long.

[editor over PA] Already marked for the edit.

Welcome. You're safe here.

We have everything you need to keep you looking your age.

Crocs, cargo shorts, Oakley blades.

But you have to wear them on the back of your head.

We're actually here to help find a cure.

Yeah, I'm immune. NBD.

You're immune? Hey, hey, he's immune!

Wow, it is so nice to feel valued again.

Honestly I've been a little down about my looks- whoa!

[grunts]

What are you doing?

We need to prepare him for surgery.

Surgery in a CostLand?

It's scary enough that they do eye care.

It's fine.

We just have to find out what makes him immune.

By killing him.

[gasps]

While it has always been a childhood dream

to get carried around on a forklift,

I gotta say...

- no! - [forklift beeping]

Help! Stars!

They're gonna kill me!

Eh, we knew that. Seemed worth it.

Yeah, anything to keep us so much hotter

than everyone else, right?

Just be happy with your Oscars, Adrien.

[accented] Maybe I better with unspecific European accent?

Ooh, me like big American muffin.

[announcer on PA] And the award goes to

Adrien Brody inThe Muffinist.

- [cheers, applause] - [chuckles] Wow.

Aww, come on!

Someone left this garden gnome in the bulk wines aisle.

I'll put it away.

All right, let's get you out of here.

Ah! An A.I. garden gnome!

Don'tM3GANme! We already did that parody.

It's me, you immunodingus!

You're here to save me because you care about me.

Uh, no. You're our main character.

The Last of Uslost half their audience

when they let Joel die,

and ours isn't even that big to begin with.

Don't bother. I'm worth more dead than alive.

Maybe I'll be better looking too if they cut off my face.

Oh, for God's sakes, get over it already.

There's more to life than being hot.

Like... being super hot?

You wanna know the real reason

I've never showed you a picture of my dead husband?

It's because he was... ugly.

Come on, how ugly could he have-

Oh, my God! Eww!

I-I'm sorry, but the state

legally let you marry someone that ugly?

We did have to get a special permit.

But what I'm trying to say is-

Ohh, another wave coming. [retching]

Respectfully. But I get it.

You're trying to make me feel better

that I don't have to go through life looking like that.

Martino didn't care that people thought he was ugly

or how many people screamed, "It's a monster!"

That's what made him hot.

His crazy confidence.

Confidence?

A guy who looked like a pile of moldy jockstraps?

I said it was crazy.

In fact, that unearned moxie...

[clattering and water splashing]

...turned out to be what killed him.

The man believed he could do anything.

Including running around an indoor hotel pool

even though the sign clearly said, "No running."

He was spectacular...

till he ate it.

[tile squeaking, bones snapping]

[gasps] No!

- Call it.10:32 a.m. - [glass shatters]

Here's a commemorative watch

so you can always remember your loved one's time of death.

You won't get this at a Courtyard.

Just sayin'.

Well, that perfectly explains your weird broken watch

you always weirdly look at weirdly, weirdo.

Look, you spent your whole life

with an unreasonable amount of confidence,

considering, you know.

And maybe that's why you can't get infected.

Because confidence is the ultimate immunity.

It protects you from trends, from doubt,

from knowing what you look like in a Speedo.

And if we're gonna survive this, you gotta get it back.

[sighs] I've tried everything.

I guess we're stuck living in a world full of men

who think they're good at everything.

Well, I suppose that's not so different, so...

I could kiss him.

I me- I mean, sometimes that works in fairytales.

It's not that I want to. It's-

I'm just trying to help find a cure.

Well, I guess a kiss is worth a try.

Let's trim him up a little.

You don't wanna get Brillo pad burns on your face.

Okay, hold still.

Okay, he's all yours.

And remember, if this goes further,

it's for science.

[Summers] Ooh, I love science!

[Wynona] Oh, my God, it's the beards.

The beards are the key! We did it!

[sighing] Uh-huh.

How long has this guy been dead?

We gotta help find him or they can't make the vaccine.

Totally. Hey, Brad.

Did I tell you I like to paint?

Yeah. A bunch of times.

Hand to God, best quarter of a cheeseburger ever!

- And it was free. - Keep it down.

Now, we're close to the doors. Maybe we can sneak out.

- [music playing in distance] - Wait, what's that?

Do I hear guitars... being played poorly?

- [Flute] Worse. - [pounding on door]

They think they're killing it.

[groaning] Wes Anderson boxed set.

[groaning]

Bodyweight exercises.

[chainsaw buzzing]

Goldblum.

[music continues in distance]

I can think of worse places to be trapped.

Mmm.

No, but this is bad.

[Wynona] Bad for the Zaddies, maybe.

[heroic fanfare]

Who's ready to shave the day?

- Hi, Mom, can we get- - No, put that back.

[groaning]

Yeah.

Flute, you gotta lead 'em right to us.

You sure you can pull this off?

I'm confident I can.

- Oh-ho, yeah. - [floor squeaking]

Oh, ladies!

[both] Ooh!

Wow, so confident.

And running in flip-flops on these slippery floors?

Wait. Come back.

[all groaning]

Now!

[both gasp and scream]

[groaning]

[laughing maniacally]

[gasps and groans]

[laughs]

- [Martinez grunts] - Ooh!

It's not fair.

Men are held to impossible beauty standards these days.

Oh, really, Skid?

Imagine doing what we just did to your face

in between your legs every month.

Uh, and while you're at it,

let us know when a mom bod is a good thing.

[chainsaw buzzing]

[gunshot]

Flute, you didn't have to kill him!

We were turning them back to normal guys.

Right, yeah. Hmm.

Well, it's a parody episode, so I don't think

any of this stuff is, like, canon.

[both moaning, smooching]

And here he is, for all to see.

Not gonna be ashamed anymore.

I'm proud of my ugly dead husband.

As you should be.

But maybe we just cover him when we eat lunch.

You know, it's good to see your old confidence back.

And I'm never losing it again.

Time to finally love myself for once.

[scoffing] For once?

Martinez, shh. My moment.

Yep, this could be the year I open my heart to love,

friendships, and maybe even a heart surgeon.

Things are not doing well in there.

But it's about time I try something new.

I like the sound of that.

Keep it in your pants, Martinez.

It's not gonna happen with us.

What? I'm not attracted to you.

Hey, I get it. You had to shoot your shot.

Ugh, I should've let you die.

Hey, good picture of you, Flute.

What? Are you crazy, Mutated Gene?

You think that looks like me?

Like I'd ever fall in love with a guy who looks like him.

I think your brain is mutated.

It is.

It all is.

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