Original subtitles

麻萨诸塞州 1984

小东尼·伯杰

现在的东尼·伯杰

三十年刑期

"我们是真爱!"

高中生一夜成名

"我当爹啦!"

人人都爱东尼

少年种马

魅力无限

少妇杀手

东尼·伯杰出售版权收获巨资

本周热剧

1989年高分连续剧

老爸我恨你

如何趁夜乱搞

写给汉: 不论你在哪 我都牵挂着你 记得给我打电话

麻州女子监狱

送给伴郎

背景音乐就是Ice Ice Baby

干什么呢 笨蛋 What's up, numb-nuts?

因了解而哭泣 Read 'em and weep.

范·海伦演唱会的门票 Van Halen at the Centrum.

第三排哦! Third row!

你该带上琼尼 You should take Jolene, man.

听说她乳头很大 I heard she got big nipples.

这可是范·海伦的演唱会 老兄 This is Van freakin' Halen, man.

认真点好吧 Get serious.

另外 我已经不喜欢女孩了 Besides, I'm just not into girls anymore.

兄弟 我也喜欢男的! Dude, I'm into guys, too!

不不不不 No, no, no, no, no.

我不是这个意思 That's not what I meant.

我现在喜欢女人 I'm into women.

嘿 玛丽 Hey, Mary.

我有两张范·海伦这周末的演唱会门票 I got two tickets to Van Halen this weekend.

什么时候来接你? What time should I pick you up?

请叫我麦嘉老师 东尼 It is Miss McGarricle, Donny.

演唱会是很好 And that's cute,

不过我是你老师 不是你女朋友 but I am your teacher, not your girlfriend.

哇 麦嘉老师 谁说你是我女朋友的? Whoa, Miss McGarricle, who said anything about girlfriends?

我们就当是夏天艳遇吧 Let's just start with a summer fling,

只不过是些手活 couple of hand jobs,

没别的想法 no expectations.

别把我想得那么龌龊 Don't get all psycho on me right away.

你给我留堂一个月 That is a month's detention.

什么是手活? What's a hand job?

不知道 但我也想试试 I don't know, but I think I want one.

我能去上洗手间不? Can I go to the bathroom?

不行 留堂期间不准说话 伯杰先生 No. No talking in detention, Mr. Berger.

好吧 我为我的行为道歉 All right, I'm sorry for what I did.

保证下次绝不再犯 I promise I won't do it again.

你麻烦大了 东尼 You're in a lot of trouble, Donny.

等等 你不会告诉我老爸吧? Wait, you're not gonna tell my dad, are you?

他会打死我的 他是个疯子 He'll kick my ass. He's crazy.

你到底想做什么? What were you trying to do, anyway?

在你朋友面前耍酷? Impress your friends?

呃 你懂的 你... Well, you know, you're...

你有些喜欢我? You have a little crush on me?

不 No.

"不" 那你... "No. " So, you...

你不想要我咯 You don't want me.

不 是啊 No. Yeah.

我不知道现在该说什么好了 I don't know what I'm supposed to say right now.

你嘴里有口香糖 东尼? Is that gum in your mouth, Donny?

瞧 我已经注意你一年了 东尼 You know, I've been watching you all year, Donny.

当你投进最后的制胜球 打败费尔菲尔德队时 When you hit that shot to beat Fairfield

你穿着大鸟短裤上下跳跃 and you were jumping up and down in your little Larry Bird short-shorts

像罐暴晒的腌菜一样冒汗 ... and sweating like a jar of pickles in the hot sun...

哦 天啊 Oh, God.

太性感了 That was so hot.

这是真的吗? Is this really happening?

是真的 This is happening.

而且正发生 It's happening right now.

在我的办公室里 In my office.

好 太棒了 Okay. Awesome.

那我求之不得 So, I'm totally in.

你想怎么做? How do you want to do it?

因为我以前做过很多体位 'Cause I made sex before, lots of ways.

你想直接手活 So you want to go straight to hand jobs

或者口交 还是从后面来? or eating me out or taking me from behind?

我会教你的 I'll teach you.

我是处男 I'm a virgin.

哦 天啊 哦 天啊 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

哦 我的天 Oh, my God.

哦 天啊 哦 天啊 Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

谁? 我? Who? Me?

今晚我要坐在你脸上

嘿 东尼 你多少分? Hey, Donny, what'd you get?

而且如果我当选八年级年级长 And if I'm elected eighth grade class president,

我承诺... I promise to...

你越来越厉害了! You're getting so good at this!

我承诺将竭尽全力降低学校商店的价格... I promise to do my best to lower prices at the school stores and...

所有的练习都是值得的! All of our practice is really paying off!

我喜欢你这样叫 I like the sound of that.

提米 停 稍等一下 Timmy, stop. Hold on a second.

我爸要打死我了 My dad's gonna kick my ass.

安静! Calm down!

东尼! 东尼! 东尼! 东尼! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny!

那男的是谁? Who's the man?

东尼! 东尼! 东尼! 东尼! Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny!

耶! 你们也想要我?我是谁啊我 Yeah! You want some of me? Who's the man?

好 各位! All right, everybody!

够了! Enough!

我知道很多人认为 I am aware that a lot of people think

这小孩 that this young man

根本就不是受害人 而是实现了 is not really a victim, but someone that's living

每个男孩青春期的终极幻想 the ultimate teenage boy's fantasy.

毫无疑问 Absolutely.

但这是项严重的罪行 But this is a serious crime.

玛丽·贝丝·麦嘉 请起立听候判决 Mary Beth McGarricle, rise for sentencing.

事实上这层关系 The fact that this relationship

已使你怀孕 而你毫无悔意 has resulted in a pregnancy and you show absolutely no remorse,

引用你的原话就是 saying, and I quote,

我还想再搞那小孩很多次 I would fuck that kid again and again.

他让我感觉我下面 "He makes me feel like there's a rainbow

仿佛出现了彩虹 coming out of my beaver. "

...这让我不得不 ...leaves me absolutely no choice

对你处以最高刑罚 but to levy the maximum penalty.

判三十年监禁于麻省女子监狱 Thirty years in the Massachusetts Women's Penitentiary.

而且 法庭将未出生的孩子 And furthermore, the court grants custody of the unborn child

判给东尼·伯杰的父亲... to Donald Berger's father...

蠢蛋 Dumb-ass.

...直至东尼满十八岁为止 ...until Donald turns 18,

到时候他将获全部的监护权 at which time he will assume full custody.

好好照顾我们的孩子 东尼! Take care of our baby, Donny!

麦嘉老师! Miss McGarricle!

我会永远爱你! I'll never stop loving you!

这特么真是疯了 That is just fucking mental.

这孩子年轻 帅气 The kid is young, he's attractive,

他大概比这老头子硬久一些 he can probably keep a hard-on longer than this fucking guy.

怕了吧 娘娘腔 Made you flinch, pansy.

滚!我不需要你! Go ahead! I don't need you!

我可是东尼·伯杰! I'm Donny freakin' Berger!

我超有名 小弟弟超大 I'm wicked famous and I got a wicked big schlong!

嘿 有情况 东尼·伯杰又上新闻了 Hey, here's something. Donny Berger's back in the news.

就是把自己老师肚子搞大的那孩子? That kid who got his teacher pregnant?

- 正是 - 我喜欢那孩子 - Exactly. - I love that guy.

听说他昨晚请客了一轮酒 Seems like he bought a round last night.

好吧... Okay...

波士顿花园球场的每个人都有份 For everybody in Boston Garden.

哦 天啊 他是我偶像 Oh, my God, he's my hero.

那孩子是在烧钱啊 但很会享受啊 That kid is burning through that money, but he's having a good time doing it.

那 伙计 我们怎么办? So, guy, how'd we do?

税务局那群笨蛋怎么说? What them fuckers at the IRS say?

呃 他们说了很多 Well, they said a lot of stuff.

但事实上是 The thing that really jumped out

- 三年监禁 - 三年? - was "three years in prison. " - Three years?

是的 你自从94年开始就没交过税了 东尼 Yeah, you haven't paid taxes since '94, Donny.

什么...我以为他们都是自动扣的! What... I thought they were taking it out automatically!

我跟他们说了你的想法 I told them that's what you thought,

但他们说这是他们有史以来听到的最傻的话 and they said it's the stupidest thing they ever heard.

但好消息是 But there is some good news.

如果你能在这周末前还清 If you can pay the balance off by the end of the weekend,

他们会暂缓宣判 they'll suspend the sentence.

哦 好吧 就这样办 Oh, okay, there you go.

这个数字是多少?说吧 What are we talking about? Hit me.

四万三 Forty-three thousand.

四万三 Forty-three grand?

不! No!

别这样 东尼! Come on, Donny!

别搞坏我的汤姆·布拉迪海报 Don't screw up my Tom Brady poster.

这是我最爱之物 It's my favorite one.

看他的下巴曲线 Look at that jaw line.

胡茬不多不少 Just the right amount of scruff.

不好意思! 我都要疯掉了 I'm sorry! I'm just freaking out here!

我没有四万三千块! I don't got 43 grand!

瞧 嘿 好消息 Well, look, hey, good news.

周一是阵亡将士纪念日 Monday's Memorial Day,

所以你只要周二钱弄到钱就行 so you don't need to get the money till Tuesday.

太好了 那我还有时间来卖我的兰博基尼! All right. That'll give me time to sell my diamond Lamborghini!

嘿 嘿 嘿!你想吓死我吗 天! Hey, hey, hey! You're killing me, man!

别乱搞我这只小天才 Don't mess with the genius.

吉米 我名下就二十八美元 Jimmy, I got $28 to my name.

二十八啊? 好吧 Twenty-eight, huh? Okay.

我刚好有风险很大的内幕消息 I got a hot tip on a long shot that just might come in.

- 什么比赛 赛马? - 不是 - What is it, a horse? - No.

这有个塔比图 是个胖子 This is Tubby Tuke, fat guy.

胖子? Fat guy?

他要跑马拉松 他的赔率是 8000:1 Gonna run the marathon. Odds on him winning are 8,000-to-1.

但这小子脚上像踩了风火轮 But this cat's got wheels on him.

我觉得他能赢 真的 I think he's gonna win, I really do.

好吧 那我压二十块给这胖子 All right, I'll put 20 on the fat fuck,

但我不能光指望这个 but I can't count on that.

这个风险很大 你自己也说了 It's a long shot, you said it yourself.

那你孩子呢? But what about your kid?

也许他有钱 Maybe he can come up with the dough.

我们很久没说话了 We don't talk no more.

他刚满十八岁就搬出去了 He kind of moved out when he turned 18,

那是我最后一次见他 and that's the last I seen of him.

- 发生什么事了? - 我不知道 - What happened? - I don't know.

我最爱小汉·索罗了 I loved that little Han Solo more than anything in the world, too.

汉·索罗: 星球大战中反抗军同盟的将军

- 你给你孩子取名为汉·索罗? - 对啊 - You named your kid Han Solo? - Yes, sir.

汉·索罗·伯杰? Han Solo Berger?

世界上最炫的名字 是吧? Coolest name in the world, right?

你要不在Facebook上找找他? Why don't you just Facebook him?

我玩不起那玩意 你以为我是亿万富翁吗? I can't afford that shit. What am I, a billionaire?

而且 我觉得他不想被找到 不管怎样 I don't think he wants to be found, anyways.

尤其是被我找到 Especially by me.

嘿 瞧!是我们耶! Hey, look! It's us!

- 在封面上! - 我们看起来还行吧? - On the cover! - Don't we look great?

嗯 还行 你看起来很不错 Yeah, well, you look good.

我就像个做腹语表演的 I kind of look like a ventriloquist.

不知道 还是有点诡异 是吧? I don't know, it's still kind of weird, right?

我是说 有我们的长相和名字 I mean, it's got our faces and our names.

似乎任何人都能发现我们了 It just seems like anyone could find us.

"发现我们"?亲爱的 "Find us"? Honey,

你今天吃阿普唑仑了吗? did you take your Xanax today?

阿普唑仑: 抗焦虑症药物

嗯 两粒 Yeah, two.

你父母进城时 我总是多吃一倍 I always double down when your parents are in town.

你带安全感内裤了吗? Do you have your security undies?

- 嗯 在这儿 - 很好 - Yep, right here. - Good.

就知道这让你感觉好些 I know that makes you feel better.

比随身带着紧急备用内衣到处走 There's stranger things than walking around

更奇怪的事多了去了 with an extra pair of underwear for emergencies.

听着 就一次 别这么诡异了 Look, just this once, don't be so weird.

我们将要举行最好的婚礼 We're gonna have the best wedding ever.

好 Okay.

天啊 我的生活怎么成这鬼样子了 香佩? Holy shit. What the hell happened to my life, Champale?

东尼 亲爱的 没法子弄钱了 啊? Don, honey, no way to come up with that money, huh?

没 我唯一擅长的就是做东尼·伯杰 No. The only thing I'm good at is being Donny Berger,

可现在没人买账了 and no one wants to pay for that anymore.

哇 东尼 Aw, Donny.

哇! Wow!

在我脸上来! My face is your toilet!

放尊重点 肯尼 Show some fucking respect over there, Kenny.

嘿 哇 Hey, whoa.

嘿 妈 你跳完舞后还要吃早餐吗? Hey, Mom, did you want some breakfast after you finish your dance?

现在就给我吧 亲爱的 Give it to me now, honey.

东尼不介意 是吧 东尼? Donny doesn't mind, do you, Donny?

天啊 这是我儿子! Holy cow, that's my son!

谁 汉·索罗? Who, Han Solo?

我以为你说他是个胖子呢 I thought you said he was a fatty.

不不不 他肯定减肥了 No, no, no. He must have lost the weight or something,

我向上帝保证 这真是我儿子 'cause I swear to God, that's my boy.

报上说 托德·彼得森这周日在科德角 It says, "Todd Peterson to wed Jamie Martin this Sunday

圣公会教堂 与洁米·马丁完婚 "at All Saints Church on Cape Cod. "

托德·彼得森? Todd Peterson?

他居然改名了! He changed his name!

为什么? Why?

汉·索罗·伯杰有什么不好的? What was wrong with Han Solo Berger?

这是史上最炫的名字了 It's the coolest fucking name of all time.

彼得森是金融界最年轻的 "Peterson is one of the youngest

大盘对冲基金经理之一 "large-cap hedge fund managers in the financial industry."

他比我们有钱 是吧? He got rich on us, huh?

更令人印象深刻的是他是个孤儿 "All the more impressive considering he was orphaned

九岁时父母在一场可怕的爆炸中去世 "at age nine, when both his parents died in a horrific explosion. "

他妈的把我和他老妈都炸死了? He fucking blew me up and his mother?

东尼 也许你儿子能在经济上帮一下你 Donny, maybe your son could help you, financially.

我不知道 这孩子都改名了 I don't know. This kid changed his name.

他根本就不想当我儿子 He doesn't even want to be a Berger anymore.

也不想跟我说话 He's not gonna want to talk to me.

刚刚是无与伦比的香佩 That was the incomparable Champale.

接下来是长相性感 无视医嘱的 And now, looking hot and ignoring doctor's orders,

大家欢迎安贝 let's welcome Amber.

她搞毛啊? What the fuck happened to her?

去你的 肯尼 Fuck you, Kenny!

嘿 亲爱的 你怎么了 Hey, what's up, Robe-Cop?

这是你老板的住处吗? This is where your boss lives?

其实这只是他的避暑别墅 It's actually just his summer home.

- 避暑别墅 太屌了 - 爸! - Summer home. What a dick. - Dad!

哦 我的天哪 Oh, my goodness.

托德 这里美得令人窒息! Todd, it's just breathtaking!

嘿! 你来了 Hey! There he is.

嘿 斯皮尤先生 Hey, Mr. Spirou.

我的骄子 There's my golden boy.

过来 我的战士 Come over here, champ.

过来 快过来 Come on, get over here.

嗯 好的 Hi. Yeah.

看看你 Look at you.

看看你 多么可爱的新娘啊 Look at you, the lovely bride.

真是天生一对! What a couple!

斯皮尤先生 你能邀请我们一家 Mr. Spirou, it's so amazing that

来这儿真是太好了 you're letting us all stay here.

说真的 非常感谢你 Seriously, thank you so much.

史蒂 他们是我的父母 杰罗和海伦 Steve, these are my parents, Gerald and Helen.

- 幸会 - 您好 - It's a pleasure. - Hi.

您女儿是如此的甜美善良 Your daughter's a sweetheart.

我敢肯定她喜欢托德 You can tell she

仅仅是因为喜欢托德这个人 likes Todd for Todd,

并不是因为他即将家财万贯 not because he's gonna be rich.

我可不想让我的男孩与淘金女一起 I wouldn't want my boy to end up with some gold digger

就像我的前三任婊子一样 懂吗? like the last three whores I married, huh?

这是真的 三个都是婊子 True story. All three? Whores.

好了 朋友们 这个周末 Well, guys, this weekend,

我的房子就是你们的房子 mi casa es su casa.

知道吗 这里每个员工都非常幸运在这里工作 You know, every member of my staff are lucky to be in this country,

完全不用担心被我责骂 so feel free to abuse the shit out of 'em.

快滚去搬行李! Go get the fucking bags!

嗯 斯皮尤夫人 我一直认为 如果金融市场 Well, Mrs. Spirou,I've always said that if the finance game

就是游乐场的话 你的儿子一定是过山车 was an amusement park,your son would be a roller coaster,

而我就是整日坐在上面的游客 and I would just ride him all day long.

这么说的确有点怪 That came out weird.

嗯 史蒂总是认为 Yeah, well, Stevie likes to think

他是我们家最耀眼的明星 that he's the star of the family.

不过在他出生前 我还是个火辣的泳衣模特 But before he was born,I modeled a bathing suit

为伍尔沃斯拍广告的 for a Woolworth advertisement.

迪萝斯 你的身材依旧不错嘛 Well, you still have quite a figure on you there, Delores.

是啊 我能看出史蒂的热辣身材是遗传谁的了 Yeah, I can see where Steve got his rocking bod.

哎呀 谢谢 Why, thank you.

查得来了 Chad's here!

- 哦 我的天哪 - 好极了 - Oh, my God. - Hooray.

太好了 Fantastic.

我猜他们并不想看我吧 I guess they didn't want to see it.

哦 查得! Yay, Chad!

- 快过来 - 妈 - Come here. - Mom.

- 亲爱的 - 我回来了 - Sweetheart. - I'm home.

爸 先生您好啊 Dad, how are you, sir?

- 你看起来真不错 - 谢谢 先生 - You look great. - Thank you, sir.

嗨 查得 我是托德 Hey, Chad, I'm Todd.

哦 我的天哪 Oh, my God.

哦 天哪 姐 我好想你 Oh, God, I missed you, sis.

抱的好紧啊 That's a good hug.

查得 这是我的未婚夫 托德 Chad, this is my fiancé, Todd.

很高兴见到你 查得 Pleasure to meet you, Chadwick.

你是陆军吗? Are you a soldier?

不是 No.

- 海军? - 不是 - Sailor? - No.

- 空军? - 也不是 - Airman? - No.

女童子军? Girl Scout?

不是 No.

哦 那你最好拿开额前的手指 Well, then I'd prefer if you take your fingers away from your forehead

像普通平民一样和我握手 and you shake my hand like the civilian you are.

对不起 我这样做很傻 Yeah, sorry, I'm stupid.

我也不知道为什么我要这么做 I don't know why I did that.

无心之过 过来吧 我想跟你说些事 Honest mistake. Come here,I want to show you this.

听好了 如果你做出任何伤害我姐的事情 Look, if you ever do anything to hurt my sister,

我会拿起政府发给我的左轮手枪 I will take my government-issued service revolver,

瞄准你疯狂射击直到弹夹空了 stick it straight up your fuppin' poop chute,and empty the clip.

明白我意思吗? Do you feel me?

是 完全明白...老兄 Yes, I totally feel you... Dawg.

这是学兰迪·杰克逊是吧? Randy Jackson, right?

就算我现在赤手空拳 I've got 10 ways to kill you

我也有十种方法可以杀死你 with my bare hands right now.

不要啊 Don't.

不要 Don't.

嗨 亲爱的 你好吗? Hi, sweetheart, how are you?

我可以见见兰多·摩根么? Can I see Randall Morgan possibly?

嗯 不过你需要预约 Yeah, you're gonna need an appointment.

我就知道你会这么说 I knew you were gonna say that.

不过你知道吗?告诉他东尼·伯杰就在外面 But you know what? Tell him Donny Berger's out here.

他会很激动地出来见老友的 He'll be pretty psyched to see an old friend.

那你知道吗?摩根先生现在正在度假 You know what? Mr. Morgan's on vacation right now. I'm sorry.

- 他在度假?那个混... - 哦 嘿! - He's on vacation? That son of a... - Oh, hey!

香草冰. Vanilla Ice.

兰多正在化妆 去休息室找他吧 Randall's just getting makeup.Go ahead to the green room.

香草 你怎么了? Vanilla, what's up, guy?

好久不见了 你最近怎么样了? It's been a long time. How you been?

你就真准备一直冷战下去么? Are you seriously giving me the silent treatment still?

你知道这样做很伤我心 You know that hurts me.

是吗?这可就是冷战的原因 Yeah? Well, that's why I'm giving it to you.

笨蛋 你觉得怎样? How's it feel, chump?

你深深的伤了我的心 It's breaking my heart.

兄弟 我们都二十年的朋友了 We were friends for 20 years, guy.

在你上我妈之前 我们都还是朋友 We were friends until you banged my mother!

我真不知道她是你妈 我对天发誓! I didn't know it was her, I swear to God!

她又不姓阿冰 It's not like her last name is Ice.

光是看发型 你就该知道了吧! You should've known by the haircut!

哦 别这样嘛 香草小冰冰 Aw, come on, Vanilla Bean Latte.

- 你能不能... - 什么? - Will you just... - What?

我刚才说 我最近身陷窘境 我的朋友 I'm just saying, I'm in big trouble, guy.

是财政上的 This, like, monetary thing.

要是我没有四万三千块 我就得坐牢 I'm going to prison if I don't get 43 large,

所以... so...

什么 你认为我有这么多钱? What, do you think I got that kind of money?

你当然有 Of course you got that kind of money.

Ice Ice Baby版税准让你发财了 Royalties from Ice Ice Baby,you must be fucking loaded!

Ice Ice Baby翻唱自皇后乐队的Under pressure

听着 兄弟 皇后乐队拿走了50%的版税 Man, listen, Queen took 50%.

公司拿走了另外的60% Suge took the other 60%.

音乐发行时 我特么就开始欠钱了! I fucking owe money when that shit gets played, man!

兄弟 别这样 你就不能 Dude, come on,will you please

"停手 和好与倾听"吗? stop, collaborate and listen?

停手 和好与倾听是Ice Ice Baby的歌词

哦 这... Oh, here...

怎么了?我超爱那首歌 What? No, I love that song.

你知道的 You know that shit.

我唱这首歌超赞的 无人能比 I was on top of that, fucking day one.

听着 老兄 我现在在溜冰场工作 Listen, man. I work at a ice rink now.

我只是个卖炸鸡块的 I deep-fry chicken nuggets, man.

烧烤酱包就要多少有多少 I'll get you a deal on a barbecue sauce packet.

他妈的 兄弟 Fucking A, buddy.

我们俩都过得太糟了 Both of us. This sucks.

破产 谁能想到我们会破产呢? Broke. Who'd have thought this would happen to us?

或许我应该打电话给你妈妈 Maybe I should call your mother.

她会给我钱的 这我肯定 She'll give me the money, I know that.

- 什么? - 什么? 什么? 什么? - What? - What? What? What?

喂 老兄 Hey, dude.

你个混蛋 别弄洒我的啤酒 Didn't spill my beer, fucker.

混蛋 Fuck you.

没人敢在我的地盘撒野 Nobody comes in here and starts busting up my joint

特别是我装了监控摄像头之后 unless I got cameras rolling.

东尼 连老虎·伍兹做过什么都没人记得了 Look, Donny, nobody remembers what Tiger Woods did,

更何况二十五年前的名人 let alone something that happened 25 years ago.

我告诉你 当我走在街上时 I'm telling you, when I walk down the street,

人们还会 "看 就是他!" people are like, "There's that guy!"

我依然是个大混蛋 I'm still fucking big, dude.

好的 这样吧 All right, how about this?

我正在做八十年代过气明星秀 I'm doing a show on '80s train wrecks.

或许我能安排你在米力瓦利合唱团之后 好吗? Maybe I slip you in after that Milli Vanilli guy, all right?

米力瓦利合唱团: 八十年代著名假唱草包二人组

- 太好了 他可是我的好兄弟 - 嗯 - Who, Fab? He's a fucking buddy of mine. - Yeah.

那太棒了 兄弟 这个有多少钱? That would be huge, dude.How much money?

或许四百块吧 Maybe 400 bucks.

四百块? Four hundred bucks?

老兄 我需要四万三千块 Dude, I need 43 G-birds.

你以为我们现在在说什么呢? What are we talking about right now?

你需要四万三千美元? You need $43,000?

你又开始吸毒了吗? Are you back on drugs?

- 是的 - 这不行... - Yeah. - It's never...

这不可能 绝不可能 This is never going to happen. Never.

可以的话再来些腮红 Little bit more blush if you can.

就像你帮波比特在他的阴茎重聚秀的那样 Just like you did that John Wayne Bobbitt in his penis reunion show.

这主意真不错 重聚 That's actually a good idea, a reunion.

我和麦嘉老师再次重聚 在监狱进行现场直播 Me and Miss McGarricle, together again,live from a women's prison.

女子监狱 A women's prison.

很性感嘛 Very sexy.

我们可以这个周末拍好 We could shoot it this weekend.

然后你就可以付我报酬 You could give me the money.

很性感 Very sexy.

只要我离开这个房间 你就可以吻她的屁股了 You know, you could eat that ass after I leave the room,

可我急需你的答复 你怎么想? but I need an answer right now. What do you think?

那你的孩子呢? What about your kid?

我的孩子? 我的孩子怎么了? My kid? What about my kid?

他会被世人议论纷纷的 He's got to be a walking Gong Show.

才不会呢 你说什么呢?他事业有成 No. What are you talking about? He's doing great.

现在更是被众星捧月 而且他快结婚了 He's, like, a hot shit now. He's getting married

婚礼就在这个周末在海边举行 down at the Cape this weekend.

等等 等等 Wait, wait, wait, wait.

"好色女教师儿子事业有成" "Horny teacher baby makes good. "

闻到了吗 东尼? Smell that? Smell it, Donny?

闻到什么? 不是我啊 可能是她放屁了吧 What? That's not me. She probably cut the cheese.

不不不 是收视率 No, no, no. No, ratings.

我嗅到了高收视率 I smell ratings.

我的孩子非常保守低调 所以...说实话 My kid is very publicity-shy, so I...You know, to be honest,

我想他不会做这样的烂秀 I don't think he'd do a piece of shit show like this.

好吧 你看这样 All right, here's the deal.

你这个周末带着你的孩子 You get yourself and your actual kid

去女子监狱 我会找人去拍摄 up to the women's prison this weekend, I will shoot it,

并且付你五万现金 I will give you 50 grand in cash.

东尼 我想你宁愿去探监 'Cause I'm going to guess, Donny, you want to be visiting a prison,

也不愿意自己入狱吧 not living in one.

嗯 托德 要怎样才能进入对虫基金啊? So, Todd, how does one get into the hedgehog business anyway?

哦 其实是叫对冲基金啦 Oh, it's actually hedge funds.

你觉得你比我更优秀么? You think you're better than me?

没有 No.

查得 你知道吗 托德的确很有算术头脑的 Chad, did you know that Todd is really great with numbers?

- 你最好瞧瞧 - 洁米 别这样... - You got to see this.- Jamie, no. Don't make...

452乘以77等于多少? What's 452 times 77?

84304 84,304.

哦 他就是随口瞎编嘛 Oh, he could just be making that up.

不 他不是 No, he's not!

我手机上有计算器 There's a calculator on my cell phone.

好吧 Okay.

94 What is 94

乘以312等于多少 托德? times 312, Todd?

29328 海伦 29,328, Helen.

太神奇了 Freaky.

我不知道啦 好像我生来就会做这事 I don't know. It's just something I can do.

你确定你不是中国人? Are you sure you're not a Chinaman?

哦 这么说不适合吧 Oh, that's inappropriate.

白种婊子 White whore.

我去开吧 I'll get it.

哦 我的天哪 你一定就是洁米 Oh, my God. You must be Jamie.

你比报纸上的照片迷人多了 You're, like, even hotter than you looked in the paper.

看你的发丝随风飘荡的样子就像陶妮·基坦 Look at your hair, blowing in the wind like Tawny Kitaen

陶妮·基坦: 美国演员 发型确实挺飘逸的

在搞那辆车一样 when she was fucking dry-humping that car.

好吧 Okay.

那你一定是... And you must be...

东尼. Donny.

怎么了?那个小胖子都没在你面前提过我么? What's the matter? Chubby never even mentioned me?

小胖子? Chubby?

哦 我是说托德·彼得森 Oh, I mean Todd Peterson.

你为什么要这么说话啊 Why do you say it like that?

就这么脱口而出了 It just comes out that way.

你是想说我怎么这么没礼貌 对么? Where are my manners, right?

能帮我拿一下吗?喜欢的话就喝一口 Could you hold that? Take a chug if you'd like.

我给你带了超赞的礼物 I got you a fucking great gift.

给你 Here it is.

我要拿走我的啤酒了 I'll take the brew back.

不过 你一定要看这本书 它超级... Just, you got to read it, though. It's fucking...

耶! Yeah!

我不知道他们怎么想到这玩意的 I don't know where they come up with this shit,

但是实在是太有意思了 but it's pretty fucking funny.

斯宾塞的礼物从来没让我失望过 Spencer's Gifts never fucking fails me.

希望有朝一日我能见到斯宾塞先生并且对他说 I want to meet Mr. Spencer one day and say,

"谢谢你这个混帐给我带来这么多快乐" "Thanks, motherfucker, for all the laughs. "

嘿 我还给你带了个混音磁带 Hey, I also made you a mix tape.

谁他妈那么有钱造了这么个房子? Who the fuck is rich in this house?

上帝啊 这也太大了 Jeezum, it's huge.

托德 这是你的老爸吗? Todd, your old man is here?

咋咧? 'Wassup!

海伦 我的天哪 真对不起 Helen, oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.

不 这是... No, it's...

我来帮你擦干净 Let me just get that for you.

- 那是... - 什么? 不 - That's... - What? No.

对不起 那是你的 我... Oh, sorry, those are yours. I...

东尼 搞...搞什么鬼? 对不起 Donny, what... What the fuck, man? Sorry.

你跑这儿来干嘛? What are you doing here?

你什么意思啊? What do you mean?

我还以为你的父母都死了 I thought you said your parents were dead.

不 他们的确死翘翘了 No, they are. Super dead.

他就是在搞笑 He's hilarious.

还说是我老爹呢 My old man.

是我老...朋友啦 My old man...friend.

来自... From...

咋咧! 'Wassup!

是吧? Right?

你不准备介绍一下我们吗? Well, aren't you going to introduce us?

- 当然不会 - 会 - No. - Yes.

好吧 开始咯 Yes. Here we go.

这位是我未来岳父 杰罗 This is my future father-in-law, Gerald,

这位是他可爱的妻子 海伦 and his lovely wife, Helen.

这位是洁米的弟弟 查得 And Jamie's brother, Chad.

- 嘿哦! - 别 这... - Hey-0! - Don't. That's...

什么嘛? What?

我喜欢她的样子 这位是谁啊? I like the look of this. Who's this?

好吧 这位是我老板史蒂的母亲 Okay. This is my boss Steve's mother,

迪萝斯 她刚睡醒 Delores, who's awake now.

对了 你的样子就是遗传她的吧 亲爱的? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's where you get all the looks from, huh, sweetie?

不 我们没有血缘关系 Yeah, no, we're not related.

是吗?反正她肯定这样希望的 Oh, yeah? Well, she wishes,

因为你是如此的... 'cause you got the fucking...

你保养得真好 You're stacked pretty good.

总之 洁米 这是我的老朋友 东尼 Anyhow, Jame, this is my old friend, Donny.

你最好的朋友 Your best friend.

我是他最好的朋友 I'm his best friend.

你最好的朋友 Your best friend.

呃 是啊 Yeah, no.

还记得我说过我们在... Remember I told you we met...

哪里认识的? Where'd we meet?

- 我们在... - 哪里呢? - We met... - Where?

- 拜托 - 快要想起来了 - Come on. - It's coming to me.

我救了他一命 I saved his life.

呃 从某种意义上来说 Well, more metaphorically.

不 不 事情是这样的 No, no, no, no, no. Here's what happened.

这就像是一场铁路情谊 It was, like, one of them train track kind of deals.

我看到他站在那儿 My man over here, I see him,

不小心把肉卷掉在了铁轨上 he drops his burrito on the tracks.

我就想 "好吧 这都常有的事" I'm like, "All right, that happens. "

可当我反应过来 他竟然跳了下去 Next thing you know, homeboy leaps down there,

想要捡回他的肉卷 and he tries to retrieve the burrito.

好吧?我看到一列火车向他驶去 Okay? I see a train whizzing at him.

我又想"这家伙快要死了 可他还没意识到" I'm like, "This guy's about to die, and he don't know it. "

我他妈的赶紧跳了下去 I fucking leap down there myself, right,

然后轻轻推了一下他屁股 and I give him a little shove on the heinie.

"闪开 兄弟!" "Get out of the way, buddy!"

然后呢 我突然意识到 Next thing you know, I realize

这火车快要撞上我了 this thing's going to hit me.

不过 我他妈还记得 I fucking remember, though,

我的功夫老师 I had a kung fu instructor

教过我如何收紧横膈膜 who taught me how to tighten the diaphragm,

然后我收紧肚皮 and I bring it in there.

感受火车在我身上呼啸而过 And I feel the train go by.

我紧闭着双眼 My eyes are closed.

身上的衣服都给扯掉了好吗? Rips my shirt off my body, okay?

然后睁开眼睛 I open my eyes.

所有的女孩们都看着我 说"他在干嘛?" I see all these chicks just kind of looking at me, going, "What is that?

那是我见过的最帅的男人了" "That's the fucking most chiseled guy I've ever seen. "

那时我经常健身嘛 I worked out at the time.

怎样都好 那里因为我都失控了 Anyways, the place goes bananas for me,

我还给好些女孩签名了 I sign a couple of titties,

从那之后我就开始和这家伙一起玩儿了 and I started hanging out with this guy ever since.

最好的朋友 对吧? 就是这样 老弟 Best friends, right? Here you go, my boy.

我真不相信之前居然没听说过这事 I just can't believe I've never heard that story before.

你为什么不干脆再买一个肉饼呢 托德? Why wouldn't you just get another burrito, Todd?

捡起来的不会很脏吗? Wouldn't it be dirty?

问得好 Great questions.

这也是故事中难以置信的一点 It's one of the many things about this story that's pretty hard to believe.

那么 你要住在哪呢 东尼? So, where are you staying, Donny?

他不会住在这里的 He's not staying.

没错 No.

我不能留下来 对 他说得对 I can't stay. Yeah, no, he's right.

呃 啐 我是说 邀请他留下来 Oh, pshaw. I mean, invite him to stay here.

你一定要留下来 You have to stay.

他是你最好的朋友 你是他最好的朋友啊 He's your best friend. You're his best friend.

我才不要打扰他俩 Sheesh, I'm not messing with her.

我是说 你是我最好的朋友嘛 I mean, you are my best friend, guy.

洁米 你可以做我的朋乳哦 And, Jamie, you can be my breast friend.

朋乳 Breast

顺便一提 老兄 你看起来棒极了 By the way, dude, you look fantastic.

你减掉了所有的肥肉 小子 You lost all the weight, homeboy.

我真想念你以前的"胸器" I miss the titties.

你救我一命?开什么国际玩笑 You saved my life? Seriously?

什么嘛?他们都相信了 What? They ate that up.

是你自己想不出故事来 You came up with a whole lot of nothing.

顺便一提 你的旅行包不错啊 That's a nice suitcase, by the way.

什么牌子 驴牌吗? What is that, Louis Vuitton?

这只是个大袋子 This is a Hefty bag.

你说的什么鬼话啊? What the fuck are you talking about?

你想要什么 东尼? 钱吗? What do you want, Donny? Money?

你听说我混得不错 所以来找我要钱? You heard I was doing well, so you came looking for a handout?

我不想要你的钱 这样行了吧?啊? I don't want none of your money. How is that? Okay?

我懂了 你不喜欢我 I get it. You don't like me.

我都被炸死了 I exploded.

我倒希望你被炸死了 I wish you had exploded.

那样我就再也不用看到你的蠢脸了 That way, I wouldn't have to see your stupid face anymore!

你就没有注意到 Did you happen to notice

我捏造自己身份 就是为了摆脱你 I created a whole fake life just so I could get away from you?

顺便说一下 你妈病了 Your mother's sick, by the way.

我不相信你 I don't believe you.

他们也不知道她病多久了 They don't know how long she's got.

那是什么 双节棍? What is that, nunchucks?

我跟她说你会去监狱探望她的 I told her you would visit her up at the prison.

我有点觉得你能让你妈恢复健康 I'm kind of thinking you're the kind of guy who would pull through for Mumsie.

明白我的话吗? Know what I'm saying?

她也会愿意为你做同样的事 She'd do the same for you.

是吗? Really?

是啊 这周六是她手术前的 Yeah. Saturday's the last visiting day

最后一个探望日 所以... before the big surgery, so...

那先让我搞清楚 So let me get this straight.

你想让我在我婚礼的前一天 You want me to go visit my "sick mom"

去监狱探望我那多年没来往的 that I haven't talked to in years, in prison,

"生病的妈妈" the day before my wedding.

正确 Correct.

想得美 混蛋 Not happening, asshole.

我他妈对你做什么了 What the fuck did I do to you

让你这么恨我? to make you hate me so much?

我他妈现在落魄得很 I am fucking baffled right now.

好吧 也许你自己不知道 Well, maybe you don't remember,

但基本上你就是世上最糟糕的父亲 but you were basically the worst parent ever.

我?我为你掏心掏肺啊 老兄 Me? I did everything for you, buddy,

我也没给过你什么亏待啊 and I never gave you an ounce of shit about nothing.

你是根本没给过我什么 You never gave me nothing.

我给过你一条蛇 I gave you a snake.

是的 然后在吃了你的安眠药后挂掉了 Yeah, and then it died after it ate all your Quaaludes.

那是唯一一次有人能看到眼镜蛇笑 That was the only time anybody's ever seen a king cobra laugh.

对此我很骄傲 混蛋 And I take pride in that, so fuck you.

是啊 很棒 你知道吗? Yeah, great. You know what?

我基本上是自己长大的 东尼 I basically had to raise myself, Donny.

我从没学过怎么游泳 I never learned how to swim.

我连自行车都不会骑 I don't even know how to ride a bike.

你知道那有多丢人吗? You know how fucking humiliating that is?

那米帝先生呢?你记得他吗? What about Mr. Mitty? Remember him?

什么?不 他是谁? What? No. What's that?

米帝先生 我以前经常带防热手套扮米帝先生 Mr. Mitty. I used to put an oven mitt on my hand.

每次你难过了 他总是会让你开心起来 He would cheer you up all the time when you were sad.

不要沮丧 年轻人 "Don't be upset, young man.

我是你最好的朋友 "I'm your best friend.

尽管我只是一只防热手套 "Even though I'm an oven mitt. "

不 我不记得了 好吗? No, I don't remember that, okay?

你知道我都记得些什么吗? You know what I do remember?

你让我开车把你从海滩载回家 You making me drive you home from the beach

因为你喝多了 'cause you got too drunk.

这很合理啊 It makes sense to me.

当一个人醉了 When somebody's hammered,

他们就让另一个人载他回家 they have another guy drive home.

我当时只有八岁啊 I was eight!

可你看起来有14岁因为你当时是个大胖子 Well, you looked 14 'cause you were such a huge fat fuck.

抱歉 I'm sorry.

你真是个混蛋 You are such an asshole.

兄弟 你现在是百万富翁了 Dude, you're a millionaire now,

而且你要跟那个辣妹结婚了 and you're marrying that hot chick.

我肯定是个相当不错的父亲 你不觉得吗? I must have done a pretty decent job as a dad, don't you think?

哦 是吗? 你想要检查你做得多不错吗? Oh, yeah? You want to check in on your pretty decent job?

哦 天呀 Oh, my God.

你是个瘾君子?谁给你货的? You're a junkie? 'Who's your supplier?

我要灭了那混账东西 'Cause I'll smack that motherfucker around.

这是胰岛素 混蛋 It's insulin, you dick.

我有糖尿病 I'm a diabetic

因为你每天早饭都让我吃蛋糕和棒棒糖 'cause you let me eat cake and lollipops for breakfast every day.

但那是你他妈吵着要的呀 But that's what you fucking asked for.

是 可你应该拒绝啊 Yeah, you're supposed to say no.

你要知道 我十二岁的时候竟然重四百磅 You know, I weighed 400 pounds by the time I was 12.

你知道减肥是多不容易吗? You know how hard it was to take that weight off?

好啦 好啦 All right, all right.

我不知道我当时在做什么 没人帮我 I didn't know what I was doing. I had no one helping me.

你爷爷是个疯子 这你知道的 Grandpa was a psycho. You know that.

汉·索罗 不要这样 Han Solo, don't be like this.

我是个好人 I'm a good person.

好了 不要那样叫我 行吗? Okay, don't call me that, all right?

现在我的名字是托德 My name's Todd now.

管你自己叫汉·索罗吧 你打扮倒像他 Call yourself Han Solo. You're dressed like him.

说得好 Good one.

我只想说 兄弟 再给我一次机会吧 I'm just saying, buddy, give me a chance.

你有艾科男士喷雾吗? Do you have any Axe body spray?

没有 东尼 我没有艾科男士喷雾 No, Donny, I don't have any Axe body spray.

因为我他妈不是个孬种 Because I'm not a fucking douche bag.

那跟孬种有关系吗? That's a douche bag thing?

它什么时候跟孬种扯上关系了? When did that become a douche bag thing?

托德 客人来了 我们走吧! Todd, the guests are arriving. Let's go!

好吧 你能放松一点儿吗? All right, can you lighten up a little bit?

我们有聚会要参加 We got a party to attend.

好人 系上领带 行吗? Good person, how about you put on a tie, okay?

这是个鸡尾酒会 不是快餐店开幕式 It's a cocktail party, not a Quiznos opening.

什么? 自从三岁时我母亲的葬礼 'What? I haven't worn a tie since

我就再也没系过领带 my mother's funeral when I was three.

我才不要再系领带 I'm not going to start that up again.

很好 系上领带 That's great. Put on a tie.

- 不 - 系上领带! - No. - Put on a tie!

我永远不会出卖自己 I'll never sell out.

那我给你一百块 I'll give you 100 bucks.

领带在哪儿? Where's the tie?

看看这里 Look at this.

洁米将要拥有这一切了 Jamie is going to have it all.

顺便一说 斯皮尤先生 By the way, Mr. Spirou,

我看过石油输出国组织的报告 我在想 I read the OPEC report, and I was thinking,

如果我们在石油问题上规避风险 if we hedge our position on oil,

我们就能够... we could really...

如果我们卖空欧元 我们就可以... If we were to short the euro, we could...

好啦 托德 这周末是你的婚礼 Come on, Todd. This is your wedding weekend.

你要嫁给一个真正的工作狂 你要知道 You are marrying a real workaholic. You do know that.

是啊 可你不正想要这样一个合伙人吗? Yeah, but isn't that what you want in a partner?

说得不错嘛 这个 She's good, this one.

说得不错 She's good.

好啦 好啦 All right, all right.

我还没有做决定 I haven't made that decision yet,

但我喜欢这个孩子 but I love this kid.

你在一次爆炸中失去了你的爸爸 You lost your dad in that explosion,

而我失去了我的儿子 and I lost my son.

我以为你的儿子在韦尔当滑雪教练 I thought your son was a ski instructor in Vail.

他是个没用的流浪汉 He's a pot-smoking bum!

不像你 托德 一点儿都不像 Not like you, Todd. Oh, no.

你是那种能让父亲骄傲的孩子 You're the type of boy a father can be proud of.

是啊 我们永远都不会明白 不是吗? Yeah, we'll never know, will we?

- 那是谁? - 我是透明人 - Who's that? - I'm not here.

那是东尼 That's Donny.

东尼过来 跟大家打个招呼 Donny, come on. Say hi to everyone.

哦 上帝 等一会儿 Oh, God, hang on.

让我摆好一下 Let me swing these free.

真高兴孩子们看到啊 Glad all the children saw that.

东尼 Donny.

这位是史蒂 斯皮尤 托德的老板 This is Steve Spirou, Todd's boss.

咋咧! 'Wassup!

这句话又流行了吗? Is that back?

因为我一直渴望它再流行起来 Because I've been dying for that to come back.

咋咧 'Wassup!

耶! Yeah!

这才是好小子 看看他 That's my boy! Look at him!

他绝不会是蠢驴 He ain't a tight-ass.

咋咧! 'Wassup!

- 咋咧! - 咋咧! - 'Wassup! - 'Wassup!

- 咋咧! - 咋咧! - 'Wassup! - 'Wassup!

- 咋咧! - 咋咧! - 'Wassup! - 'Wassup!

咋咧! 'Wassup!

怎么了? What's up?

切! Boo!

你真差劲 托德 That was terrible, Todd.

于是 我看到火车驶来 So, I see the train coming,

好像有什么在控制着我 and something kind of like takes over me, you know?

- 给 阿碧盖 - 谢谢 - Here you go, Abigail. - Thank you.

然后 我决定跳下站台 And so, I decide to jump off the platform, right?

夹紧我的腿 Snaps my legs in two.

我能怎么办? 那可是二十五英尺啊 What did I expect? It was a 25-foot drop, you know?

二十五英尺? Twenty-five feet?

我一把抓住那个肉卷 So I grab Burrito Bandito over here,

抱着他飞快地滚开 and I just roll him out of the way.

火车差一点就压碎我们的头骨了 The train missed our skulls by inches.

托德 你为什么要那样做呢? Why would you do something like that, Todd?

我还真不知道 史蒂 You know, I really don't know, Steve.

我是说 你再买过个肉卷就好啦 I mean, why wouldn't you just buy another burrito?

是的 我知道 Yeah, no, I know.

我不知道当时在想什么 I don't know what I could have been thinking.

或许刚嗑完大麻还在恍惚中 Maybe he was high on the hashish.

东尼 再来瓶啤酒怎么样? Hey, how about I get you another beer, huh, Donny Boy?

我最多只能喝二十瓶 Twenty's my limit.

不 不 No! No, no.

可是 东尼你要回房休息了吧? But, Donny Boy has got to go to bed, though, right?

胡说八道 Oh, fiddlesnatch.

这才下午啊 It's the afternoon.

还记得你说要早点上床睡觉的吗? Remember you told me you wanted to get to bed early?

好吧 是的 Oh, okay. Yeah, no, no, no.

托德说的对 Todd's right.

天哪 Oh, my God.

你是对的 就是他 You're right, it is him.

- 你是东尼·伯杰 - 就是他 - You're Donny Berger. - It's him.

你们还记得在萨摩韦尔 Do you remember that kid

有个男孩搞大了他老师的肚子吗? who got his teacher pregnant in Somerville?

等等 那就是你 Wait a minute, that is you.

东尼·伯杰 Donny Berger.

你不是跟你的老师生了个小孩吗? Didn't you and your teacher have a kid?

等等 那小孩叫什么来着? Wait a minute. What was his name?

印第安纳·琼斯 是吧? Indiana Jones, huh?

或者别的一样炫的名字 It was something fantastic like that.

恩 汉·索罗·伯杰 Yeah, Han Solo Berger.

是的 汉·索罗 汉·索罗 他后来怎么样了? Yeah, Han Solo, Han Solo. What ever happened to him?

他怎么样了? What happened to him?

他后来成了个侦探 He actually became a dick.

私家侦探 A private eye, I mean.

世上最厉害也是最危险的侦探之一 One of the biggest and hairiest dicks in the world.

好吧 Okay.

听着 这听起来可能有点怪异 Hey, look, this might seem weird,

但你可以... but do you think you would ever...

搞你老婆吗? Bone your wife?

我当然乐意 Yeah, I mean, I'd love to.

她可是个大美人啊 She's a hot little number.

其实我只是想跟你要个签名 但... 'Well, you know, I was just going to ask you for an autograph, but...

哦哦 抱歉 是签在她的胸上还是... Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. On her tits or...

- 写在纸上就可以了 - 或者照片 - Or a piece of paper would be fine. - Yeah, or a photo.

好吧 真有意思 Okay, well, this has been fun.

可是 东尼... But, Donny...

我不是在吹 Not to toot my own horn,

但我也曾经差点上了威斯老师 but I got kind of close once.

一年级的几何课上 Mrs. Weiss, freshman geometry.

我觉得她也想做 And I think she would have done it, too.

我只是不知道怎么主动 I just didn't know how to make the move.

你知道吗?我多想 You know what? I would have killed

上我八年级的生物老师 科恩老师 to bang my eighth grade biology teacher, Mrs. Cohn.

我多想用我的老二把她给解剖了 I used to dream of dissecting her with my penis.

青春期的时候 脑袋里都是些怪东西 It's so weird what goes on upstairs when you hit puberty.

我中学的时候 还偷了图书管理员的眼镜 I actually stole my middle school librarian's glasses

戴着手淫 to wear while I masturbated.

那都是怎么回事? What is that about?

在我那个年代 我最讨厌 In my day, when I got into trouble,

校长用他的老二拍打我的手 the headmaster would slap your hand with his dick.

她赢了 She wins.

托德在我的隔壁和我共事一年 You know, Todd was working at the cubicle next to mine

一年又十二周又一天之前 one year,12 weeks and one day ago

他在健身房遇到一个叫洁米的美女 when he met a pretty girl at the gym named Jamie.

那是多少天啊 托德? How many days is that, Todd?

运算中 史蒂 Computing, Steve.

451天 451.

应该是450天 It's actually 450.

天才之争啊 Battle of the brainiacs!

他忘了今年是闰年 我猜 Yeah, this guy forgot about leap year, I guess.

他比托德还要聪明 He's smarter than Todd!

好了 我们说了太多数字的东西了 Okay, we're talking a lot about numbers,

不过让我们把话题回到爱情上吧 but let's get back to love.

惊讶什么 天才? What's the matter, hot stuff?

你以为你的天赋是从哪里遗传来的? Where do you think you get it from?

你妈是数学老师 Your mother was a math teacher,

我以前可是神童 and I was pretty much a whiz kid myself.

这么点小本事 The ability to make a bong out of a Taco Bell cup

是做不了神童的 东尼 doesn't make you a whiz kid, Donny.

闰年啊 混账东西 Leap year, motherfucker.

我觉得太神奇了 I think it's kind of a magical moment.

托德的老朋友 东尼奇迹般的出现了 You know, Todd's oldest friend, Donny, miraculously appearing like this.

什么? What?

所以我很高兴退到一边 So I am graciously going to step aside and

让东尼来做伴郎 allow Donny to take over as the best man.

让东尼来做 Give it up for Donny!

别 别 别 Oh! no no,

菲尔 你不用这样 Phil, you don't have to do that.

不要放音乐 不要 不用 No music. No, no, no, no.

停止音乐 菲尔 菲尔 你... Kill the music. Phil, Phil, you...

你人真好 可是你没必要那样做 That's so nice of you, but you don't have to do that.

我不介意 你们两个是老朋友了 Oh, I don't mind. You two are very close.

我们是老朋友 可你跟我也很熟啊 We are. We are very close, but you and I are close, too.

好吧 我们是一起工作 但是我不觉得那叫熟 Well, we work together, but I wouldn't call us close.

我是说 我挺惊讶你叫我当伴郎的 I mean, I was actually kind of surprised when you asked me to be your best man.

搞得我都有点对不起你了 Made me feel a little sorry for you.

那倒是真的 他当时还不知道他是谁呢 That's true. He had no idea who he was.

不 No.

我接受 我想做 这是我的荣幸 I accept. I do. I love it. It's an honor.

干得好 东尼 Way to go, Donny!

这是开玩笑吗? Are you kidding me?

你们后院里居然有个芬威球场? You got Fenway Park in your backyard?

芬威球场: 一座著名又古老的棒球球场

我儿子加入少年棒球联盟的时候建的 I had that built when my son started Little League.

他都没用过 He never used it.

那个小浑球就会坐在房间里听雷鬼乐 The little douche bag just sat in his room listening to reggae.

我们脱下领带去打几个本垒打吧 Well, let's lose these ties and hit some dingers.

怎么样?来嘛 What do you say? Come on!

不 不 不 不要这样子 No, no, no. Please, don't let this be happening.

别这样 拜托 Don't let this be happening, please.

不要玩运动 No sports.

好了 同志们 我们开玩吧 All right, guys,let's see what we got out there.

千万不要打到我 千万不要打到我 千万不要 Please don't hit it to me. Please don't hit it to me. Please don't hit it to me.

接住 Get under it, kid.

笨死了 Moron.

好了 这边来两个 Here we go! Taking down two there!

好的 杰罗 开始吧 同志们 All right, Gerald, kid! Here we go, guy!

保持 Stay on it!

天哪 Oh. my God!

奶奶 怎么样?没睡着吧?亲爱的 Grandma, what's up, honey? Are you awake, sweetheart?

来了啊 Here we go.

从下面接 别怕脏 Get under it! Get dirty!

天哪? What the fuck?

- 接到了 - 接得好 妈 - Got it. - Nice catch, Mama!

让零蛋托德接这个吧? Let's let Todd-0 get this one, huh?

不要 我没接到没关系 Oh, no, that's okay.

托德 来嘛 Todd, come on!

别 别 给那个两岁的小孩打一个 No, no. Hit one to that two-year-old.

他还没接过 He hasn't gotten one yet.

来了 小子 Here you go, big man.

什么? What?

别在女孩面前耍帅 Quit showing off for the girls, buddy.

她们是我的 They're mine.

来吧 Come on, now.

你来接了 You got it.

托德 你准备好了吗? Okay, Todd, you all set, buddy?

别打中我 Don't hit it to me.

球来啦 Coming to you, homie.

天啊 Holy shit.

天哪 你还行吧? Oh, my God. Are you all right, guy?

得了吧 你没事的 Come on. You're fine.

把球扔过来 Throw it in there, guy.

我觉得球破了 I think the ball's broken.

扔过去 托德 Throw it in, Todd.

托德 把球扔过去 Todd, throw the ball.

赶紧的 托德 Come on, Todd!

扔啊 你个娘炮 动手 Throw it, you big vagina. Do it.

托德 我们还想玩 Todd, we want to keep playing, buddy.

我们要球 We need a ball, kid.

扔过来 Just throw it.

真是个娘娘腔 Such a pussy.

扔得好 On a rope!

尼玛帅啊! Holy fuck!

现在回到由伊安主演的 We now return to The Donny Berger Story,

东尼·伯杰故事 starring Ian Ziering.

- 嗨 - 东尼 - Yo! - Donny.

我在泡澡 等一下 I'm in a Jacuzzi. Hang on one sec.

好 Yeah.

妈的 Fucking... Here.

谁来帮我把这雪茄拿走? Who'll take the cigar?

别走啦 东尼 Oh, no. Donny.

别让烟灭了 Keep that lit for me.

拿开这该死的墨镜 Take my fucking shades.

你想戴就戴吧 Wear them if you want.

好啊 Yeah!

好了 别挂机 All right. So, hang on.

我也想戴 I want to wear them.

我很快回来 I'll be back.

好的 All right.

天哪 My goodness!

怎么了? Yeah, what's going on?

你猜电视上在播什么? Guess what's on TV?

嘿 小家伙 Hey, there, little buddy.

我是米帝先生 I'm Mr. Mitty.

我会永远爱你哟 I will always love you.

什么东西 东尼·伯杰故事吗? What is that, The Donny Berger Story?

是的 Hell, yeah.

这玩意播出你都没拿到钱吗? Don't you get money every time that shit is shown?

那钱可以让你不用蹲牢子 This could be your "get out ofjail free" card.

我最后一次收到那节目的支票 Last check I got for that

是八十五美分的 was 85 cents.

汉·索罗愿意跟你去监狱里做秀吗? Is Han Solo gonna do the show at the women's prison with you?

我还没认真跟他谈过 You know, I haven't discussed any particulars with him yet.

我现在只想试着当个好老爸 I am actually just trying to be a dad right now.

你星期二要去监狱 You're gonna go to prison on Tuesday.

不管怎么你也得弄到钱啊 You have got to get that money somehow.

肯尼 你搞什么啊? Kenny, what the fuck?

我以为这是厕所 I thought this was a bathroom!

操你的 Fuck you!

啊 Honk!

没人能免费摸我奶子 别跑 Oh, nobody squeezes my titty for free, honey!

好吧 祝你好运 Okay, good luck with that.

天哪 你真是个白痴 God, you're such an idiot!

托德 你已经搞砸了我的花 Todd, you already messed up my flowers!

对不起 I'm sorry.

去拿蛋糕就可以了 Just get the cake!

不要核桃的 别特么给我找借口 No walnuts! No fucking excuses!

我爱你 你爱我吗? I love you! Do you love me?

什么啊? What?

你弄砸了我的蛋糕 You screwed up my cake!

你弄砸了我的蛋糕 You screwed up my cake!"

什么? What?

是我啦 我可以进来吗? It's me, it's me. Can I come in?

当然 Yeah, sure.

怎么了? What's up, buddy?

她在嚷什么? 你做错什么了? What was she yelling at? What'd you do wrong?

她只是婚前压力太大而已 She's just stressed out 'cause of the wedding.

真的? Oh, really?

你确定不是因为做爱还是别的什么? You sure she's not stressed out about maybe sex or something?

你有没有帮她用嘴做过啊? Have you been going down on her?

什么? What?

我就是说 No, I'm just saying,

这些年来 我遇到的女人 a lot of times, girls I've met over the years,

如果她们生气了 或者朝我大声嚷嚷 when they've been ragging on me and yelling at me and shit,

只要我亲她们的下面 她们就会变乖 if I kiss their pussies, they kind of go,

说"你是对的 你真是个好人" "You're right, you're a good guy. "

得了 这么私密的事情 东尼 Yeah, that's personal, Donny.

不不不 你比我了解她 Yeah,no,no. You know her better than me, fine.

好吧 So...

你穿着泳裤洗澡? You wear a bathing suit in the shower?

你知道那样很傻吧? You know that's fucking nuts, right?

你开什么玩笑? Are you serious?

就因为你 我连衬衣都不敢在人前脱 I can't even take my shirt off in front of other people because of you.

因为我 我又做了什么? Because of me. What did I do this time?

让我提醒下你做的好事 Let me jog your memory.

新街边男孩 The New Kids on the Block!

新街边男孩: 美国八十年代风靡一时的五人团体

天啊 Holy shit!

他们的头都歪了 Their heads are all warped now!

天哪 Oh. my God!

那是因为我三年级就纹上这个了 Yeah, it's 'cause I got it when I was in third grade.

我还在长身体呢 My body grew.

我很抱歉 还好啦 让我再看看 I'm sorry. It's fine, it's fine. Let me see it again.

你背上有纹身 You got a back tattoo

尼玛他们的头都歪了 Their heads are fucking warped

去你的 You suck.

不要这样嘛 Come on, dude.

干嘛这么认真? Why you getting so serious?

我也有纹身呢 我年轻时... I still got the tattoo I got when I was...

我还是中学时 我都不在意 'When I was a teenager. And I'm fine with it, you know.

"灰机! 灰机!" "De plane! De plane!"

"灰机" "De plane!"

啊 我记得 Yeah, I remember it.

我还不知道那是谁呢 I still don't know who that is.

卧槽这可是... It's fucking...

他是梦幻岛里的"灰机"男 "De plane, de plane" guy from Fantasy Island.

纹身啊 Tattoo.

我有个纹身的纹身 我觉得很好玩 I got a tattoo of Tattoo. I thought that was funny.

一点也不 Well, it's not.

别那么严肃嘛 拜托啦 Lighten up, dude. Come on.

"灰机!" "De plane!"

别闹 东尼 别闹了 Don't. Donny, don't.

我说真的 I'm serious.

"灰机！" "De plane!"

不要 No.

你还是怕痒嘛 You're still ticklish.

才没有 我才不怕! No, I'm not ticklish!

不玩了 Come on, now!

胳肢鬼来了 The tickle monster.

胳肢你胳肢你 I tickle you like that.

不要啦 No.

不要了 不 不要了 Stop! No, stop it!

看看你自己 Watch yourself.

不要了啊 不要了 不 Stop it! Stop it, no!

给我啦 小汉汉 Give me that, Hansie.

为什么你的鸡鸡在我脸上? Why is your dick in my face?

还有为什么会硬了? And why is it kind of hard?

你们两个基佬在搞什么? What are you two homos doing?

就是摔跤嘛 Just rasslin'.

太好了 All right.

你们面前的就是全美摔跤冠军 'Cause you're looking at an all-state fucking wrestling champion,

谁赢了跟我打 and I got the winner.

好吧 刚才是他赢了 Okay. Well, he won.

没 我没赢 No, I didn't.

是你赢了 Yeah, you did. You won.

什么?不 我没赢 What? No, I didn't.

你一定会喜欢的 兄弟 跟他打! You're gonna love it, buddy. Wrestle him.

去吧 查得 Yeah, Chad.

不要 别 No, no.

说起来挺搞笑的 It's actually a funny story.

其实我们刚是在打胳肢战 We were having a tickle fight.

我们根本没摔跤 We weren't wrestling at all.

而且我认输了 I was losing, admittedly.

天啊 我要带点零食围观了 Aw, God, I got to start doing some crunches or something.

瞧瞧 Look at this.

哦 你不喜欢他? Oh, you don't like him?

哦 我们都不喜欢你 Oh, we don't like you.

老兄 他在和他鸡鸡说话 He's talking to his dick, buddy.

现在他又在打它 Now he's hitting it.

哦不 干嘛要这样? No! Why?

你得让它硬起来 You got to puff that fucker up!

啊 什么? 不要 Oh, what? No.

你没必要让它硬起来 You don't have to puff that fucker up.

我们来吧 Let's do this.

查得 我相信你是个健将...好了! Chad, I'm sure you're very athletic... Okay!

好了! Okay!

我拍垫投降 你赢 你赢 我拍垫了 I tap out. You win, you win. I tap out.

你喜欢搞我姐姐吗 托德? Do you like fucking my sister, Todd?

我说 你喜欢用你肮脏恶心的手指进入她吗? I mean, do you like sticking your dirty booger fingers in her?

哇嗷 这是要做什么? Whoa, what was that?

我们都保持冷静好吗? Let's all just keep our heads, okay?

我们今晚都喝多了 We've all been drinking a lot tonight.

我要弄死你... I'm gonna skull-fuck you...

然后这就是这的结束了 And that is the end of that.

怎么了 你生我气了? What, you're mad at me?

我怎么又成坏人了? How am I the fucking bad guy right now?

你要用那个纹身给我臭脸吗? You're gonna fucking give me shit with that tattoo on your back?

看看那个蠢玩意儿 Look at that stupid fucking thing.

放心啦 他没事的 Good buddy, he'll be fine.

我们把查得送回去了 毫发无损 Yeah, so we got Chad all tucked in, safe and sound.

我没听说过他会醉倒的 I never heard of him passing out drunk before.

是啊 太疯狂了 Yeah, it was crazy.

仿佛前一秒他还是好好的清醒着 It was like, one second, he was with us, totally awake.

下一秒 他的脸就朝地 Next thing you know, he's face down,

满天星了 birds a-chirpin'.

你觉得怎样? What do you think?

太惊艳了 You look amazing.

等下!婚前看到你的婚纱 Oh, wait! Isn't it bad luck

会不会不吉利啊? for me to see the dress before the wedding, though?

这是价值一万两千美元的王薇薇婚纱 This is a $12,000 Vera Wang dress.

我想什么时候穿就什么时候穿 I'm gonna wear it whenever I want.

你就是穿十二美元的王翠花婚纱也很性感 You'd look hot in a $12 Wang Chung dress.

听起来像东尼的口气 That sounds like a line Donny would say.

是啊 他还会说 Yeah, except he'd say,

你穿着这个王什么什么的婚纱太他妈火辣了 "You'd look friggin' hot in a Wang Dang Sweet Poontang dress. "

我就觉得他像住拖车公园的那种人 你懂吗? Just think he's, like, trailer park-y or something, you know?

是啊 Yeah.

也难怪他儿子会跑掉了 That's probably why his son ran off.

他的什么?什么?谁?他儿子怎么了... His what? What? Who? His son about...

他说什么了? What'd he say?

你听说什么了吗? What did you hear?

他有说什么没? Did he say something?

你就看一下这书的第一页嘛 Just look at the first page of that book

他每个人都给送了 he's been handing out to everyone.

他这么做了?不要啊 He has? What? No.

班里的头儿? Head in the Class?

他说就像是班里的头 He said it's like Head of the Class,

不过只是拿来口交用的 only with blowjobs.

好恶心哦 It's gross.

是啊 很恶心的 口交很恶心 Yeah, it's gross. Blowjobs are gross.

我们才不要做这个 We don't do those.

亲爱的洁米 我知道只要你一个小眼神 "Dear Jamie, I know you'll make Todd very happy

托德就会很开心 "if you bleach your little brown eye. "

哦 不 不是这里 Oh, no, not this part.

真感人 Wow, that's sad.

我居然被奇怪地感动了 That weirdly got me.

我不知道我为什么感动 但我就是感动了 I don't know why it got me, but it just got me.

我现在可以抱抱你吗 或者... Can I get a hug right now, or...

不行 不行!不能把婚纱弄皱了 No, no, no, no! We can't wrinkle the dress.

嘿 如果你不想弄皱它 Hey, if you don't want to wrinkle the dress,

那我们就脱掉它吧? may I suggest we just remove it?

你吃了两片阿普唑仓? Did you take two Xanax?

事实上吃了三片 I actually took three Xanax.

你也知道阿普唑仓让我 And you know that the Xanax makes me

变得淫呀么荡 "H" to the "O" to the "R" To the "N" to the "Y"

淫荡地对待我的未婚妻 So horny for my fiancée

不行!放开! No! Down.

我不喜欢有家人一起在家时做爱 I don't want to have sex with my family in the house.

我知道 No, I know.

我也不喜欢和家人一起时做爱 I don't want to have sex with your family, either.

在家里 In the house.

说出来真奇怪 Came out weird.

也许这是最后一次打飞机 Possibly my last night of spanking the hell out of it

没室友在旁边看着我 所以... without having a roommate watching me, so...

这里有什么可利用的呢? What do we got to work with here?

有钱人的杂志啊 Rich people magazines.

看看能有什么好料 Let's see what we got.

如果我不是经常和你丈夫参加派对的话 If I hadn't partied with her husband so many times,

我会选择你的 I would.

否则这对他太不尊重了 But it's disrespectful to him.

怎么办 I don't know.

你好啊 Hello.

老天啊 你还真是个模特啊 奶奶 Jeezum Crow, you really were a model, weren't you, Grandma?

是啊 老伍尔沃斯真会挑 不是吗 Yeah, old Mr. Woolworth really, really knew how to pick them, didn't he?

我真喜欢那件老款泳衣 I love that old-time bathing suit.

我可以带你去地下酒吧 那我们就 I could take you to the speakeasy, and we could,

我们就可以跳赤裸查尔斯登 we could do the naked Charleston.

第二天早 我就要远行去打纳粹 I have to ship out in the morning to fight the Nazis,

所以你要令我终身难忘 so you better give me something to remember.

怎么做呢? What's that?

哦 天哪 Oh, my God.

老太太也要加入吗? Old lady Grandma wants to get in on the action, too.

我们要让她加入吗? Should we let her?

我想让吧! I think we should.

哦 天哪 Oh, my God.

为什么我现在更喜欢老太太了呢? Why do I like her better right now?

哦 你这个坏... Oh, you bad...

你对我做了什么? What have you done to me?

你对我做了什么? What have you done to me?

我们再来一遍吧 给我点时间 We got to go for round two, but give me a little bit of time.

给我点时间 Give me a little bit of time.

真可爱 Oh, lovely.

太可爱了 Just lovely.

天啊 Goodness.

哦 哎哟喂 Oh, my word.

伴郎 一小时后要婚礼彩排 Best man, wedding rehearsal in an hour.

好多纸巾哟 There's so many tissues.

天哪 不要碰 好吗? 我们... Oh, God. You know, don't touch those, okay? Let's...

好的 Okay.

我来收拾干净吧 I'm gonna just clean that up.

呃 东尼他病了 Yeah, Donny's sick.

你不要碰这些 会传染你的 You don't want to touch these 'cause you'll get sick.

他得了后鼻炎 所以... He's got post-nasal drip, so...

纸巾都粘到我照片上了 The tissue's stuck to my picture.

给我 让我来 Here, let me.

我来帮你弄掉 弄掉了 I'll grab that from you. I got it.

哦 看 你沾上了一点纸巾做的胡子 Oh, look at that! There's a little tissue beard there.

别 别碰那个 别担心 No, don't touch it, please. Don't worry about it.

哎哟 可怜的小心肝 Oh, that poor dear.

我给他弄点新鲜的果汁 I'll just get him some nice, fresh juice.

果汁 好主意 Juice. That's a great idea.

谢谢 奶奶 谢谢 Thank you, Grandma D. Thanks.

你懂的 宝贝 如果他真的不舒服 You know, hon, if he's really under the weather,

就不该打那么多飞机啊 maybe it's best if he doesn't masturbate so much.

这是个好建议 That's good advice.

我会告诉他的 谢谢您 I'll tell him that, thank you.

好了 不要装睡了 多精男 Okay, you can stop pretending to sleep, Sir Jizz-a-lot.

这小老太早就知道我在对她打飞机 是吧? The old broad knew I was whacking to her the whole time, didn't she?

太搞笑了 That's so funny.

但你的瞎扯太棒了 But your improves were awesome.

"后鼻阉" 还是什么的 "Post-nasal dick," or whatever you said.

我没法想象 你蛋蛋里怎么有那么多那东西 You know, I can't believe your balls produce that much stuff.

老兄 至少我还有蛋蛋 Dude, at least I got balls.

那是什么意思? What's that supposed to mean?

让我先开一罐爽一下 Let me just crack open some happiness first, yeah.

我是在说查得那事 All I'm saying is the Chad thing,

昨晚他扑向你的时候 when that dude came at you last night,

你有点像车灯前的小鹿般无助 you kind of, like, looked like a deer in headlights.

你的气场就好像个娘炮似的 Your whole aura is actually that of a pussy.

或者说马屁精 Or a kiss-ass.

才没有 It is not.

有的 It is, too.

我他妈在干吗? What the fuck am I doing?

不 我的意思是 有时候你得了解你自己 No, I'm just saying you got to stand up for yourself

伙计 她永远都不会跟你做的 every once in a while, buddy, or she's never gonna bang you.

我要告诉你 她老是跟我做的 I'll have you know, she bangs me all the time.

好吗?她做的 All right? She bangs.

她也是疯狂生活的人吗?还是... Does she live the la vida loca, too, or...

真好笑 Very funny.

大家好啊 Well, good day, everyone.

神父 Father.

麦纳利神父 真感谢你今天能过来 Father McNally, thank you so much for coming out to the Cape.

是我的荣幸 My honor.

太好了 Very cool.

是啊 Oh, yes.

查得 Chad.

不要意思啊 You'll excuse me, won't you?

在教堂的时候就要表现适当的尊重 While you're in this church, you'll show the proper respect.

不要发邮件 不要发短信 No e-mailing, no texting,

不要上脸书 不要用Skype no Facebooking, no Skyping

也不要玩愤怒的小鸟 and no Angry Birds.

啊 那太伤人了 That one hurts.

不不 我能理解 No, no. I get it.

现在都二十一世纪了 It's the 2010s.

每个人都做爱 喝拿铁咖啡 Everyone's having sex and drinking lattes.

别这样 神父 No, Father.

但是 你们看 这是我的地盘 But, you see, this is my world.

在这里就得遵守我的规矩 We'll abide by my rules while we're here.

也许我们该从新郎父亲开始 Maybe we should start with the father of the groom.

他父亲死了 His father passed away.

被炸死的 He died in an explosion.

听起来不可能 但确实是这样 Sounds fishy, but it really happened.

真心感到遗憾 孩子 I'm truly sorry to hear that, son.

谢谢 但是没关系 Thank you, but it's fine.

他活该 He deserved it.

嗯... So...

这什么意思? What is that supposed to mean?

哦 我没别的意思 Oh, I didn't mean anything by it.

他只是 你要知道 不是一个好爸爸 He just, you know, wasn't a great dad.

你父亲 他虐待你了? So your father, he abused you, did he?

不 没到这个程度 No, nothing like that.

他是个杀人犯? 强奸犯? Was he a murderer? Rapist?

不 神父 我很抱歉 我... No. Father, I'm sorry, I...

我爸爸每天都用笤帚打我 My father beat me every day with a rake.

但我从不会像小公主一样 But you don't hear me smack-talking him

委屈地说他虐待的事 like some baby little princess.

特别在这个教堂里 Not here in the house of the Lord.

你知道吗 我听不到你在说什么 You know, I can't hear a word you're saying.

我注意到的只有你的口臭 All I can focus on is your shit breath.

我带你去看看花园吧 I'd like to show you the garden for a minute.

现在 Now, then.

好了 这样吧?我们就... Okay, you know what? Let's just...

这老家伙力气不小 Fucking old guy's got a cannon on him.

出什么事了? What happened?

我感觉他要发飙了 What happened is I think he's having a mini-meltdown.

是啊 他在脱衬衫呢 Yeah, he's taking his shirt off now.

哦 天哪 Oh, my God.

这个老怪物撒酒疯了 And he's pretty ripped for an old fuck,

我们现在有麻烦了 so we're in trouble right now.

这是怎么啦 What is going on here?

好啦 好啦 All right, all right.

开始了 开始了 Go time, go time.

不 看看你在做什么 No, think about what you're doing!

小心 Be careful.

他咬我 He bit me!

你看见没 这太神奇啦 Did you see that? That was amazing!

这会变得很暴力的 This could get ugly.

这神父曾经在拳击场上打死过人 The Father actually killed a guy in the ring.

所以他才当神父的 That's why he became a priest.

抬起你的手 孩子 Just keep your hands up, kid!

放倒他们 Get 'em down!

坚持下去 Hang in there, guy!

他一直在打他 He keeps punching him!

孩子 加油 Come on, guy.

这才是好小子 That's my boy!

你靠自己撂倒他了 做得好 孩子 Why, you came right back with your own shit. Nice, kid.

这是什么鬼话 What the fuck is that?

好吧 他马上要变身了 Okay, he's going to a whole other place right now.

这么着吧?你赶紧跑 You know what? Maybe just run.

快他妈的从这鬼地方逃走 快跑 快跑 Get the fuck out of here. Go, go, go, go, go.

不 No.

我才不会逃呢 I'm not gonna run.

搞定他 麦纳利神父 Finish him, Father McNally!

快搞定他 Finish him!

哈 他像一麻袋土豆一样倒下啦 Geez. He went down like a sack of potatoes, huh?

你什么毛病啊? What is the matter with you?

你要知道 我们和神父相识了三十年了 You know, we've known Father McNally for 30 years.

- 三十年了 三十年 - 整整三十年 - Thirty years! Thirty years. - Thirty years.

我真应该拧下你的脑袋 I ought to rip off your head!

杰罗 Gerald!

对不起 I'm sorry.

托德 说对不起也不能让你逃过煎熬 Sorry's not gonna keep you from burning in hell, Todd.

喂 这全是我的错 Hey, this is all my fault.

我不应该用瓶子去打那个家伙 I shouldn't have hit the guy with the bottle.

我就像个傻冒一样 I'm, like, a moron over here.

不 东尼 我不会让你承担责备的 No, now, Donny, I will not let you take the blame for this.

你必须这么做 你又救了他一命 You had to do it. You saved his life again.

而且 你救他的时候很性感哦 And you looked very sexy doing it.

为什么瓶子敲头的声音这么熟悉? Why was the sound of that bottle so familiar?

托德 你真失败 Todd is such a loser.

你老婆来了 我们走 Here comes your girl. Here we go.

洁米 对不起 但你看 Jame, I'm sorry, but, look,

你也知道 我只是为了自保 you got to admit, I stood up for myself back there.

托德 你脑袋里装的都是石头么 Do you have fucking rocks in your head, Todd?

不 No.

好 你看看现在我们在哪里结婚 Well, where are we gonna get married now?

我们被赶出教堂了! We got kicked out of the church!

洁米 Jame...

大家都怎么了? What is everybody's problem?

你明明帅呆了 最帅了 You were awesome out there. You kicked ass.

你应该感到骄傲 You should be proud of yourself.

感到骄傲? Proud of myself?

为毛啊? For what?

我被整惨了 而且每个人都生我气 I got my ass kicked, and everyone's pissed off at me.

顺便说一句 我谢谢你慈父般的建议 And, by the way, thanks for the fatherly advice, guy.

我以后再也不听你任何话了 That's the last time I listen to you.

我要去掐死他啊 I'm gonna choke him out!

他算什么狗屁东西 He's an asshole!

我要去掐死他 I'm gonna choke him out.

我要去掐死他 I'm just gonna choke him out.

嘿 伙计们 Hey, guys, guys?

在大家都指责托德之前 我能说两句吗 Can I just say something before we all turn on Todd?

自从参加过他父亲的葬礼后 Churches freak the kid out,

教堂的一切都会让他崩溃 ever since his father's funeral.

爆炸事故以后 After the explosion,

他父亲留下的也仅仅是几块碎骨头 all that was left of his dad was, like, a kneecap

和这么点的阳具 and a little bit of nut sack.

这些本应被放到骨灰盒里 It was supposed to be a closed casket,

但当时太平间的场面有些混乱 but there was a foul-up at the mortuary,

他亲眼目睹了一只松鼠跑到棺材里 and he actually saw a squirrel

嘴里叼着他父亲那么点的阳具 run into the coffin and kind of

尖声嘶叫 squeak out of there with his dad's ball bag in his mouth.

这一场景足以震惊我们中任何人 You know, that's gonna fuck any of us up, so...

所以 其实你认识托德的父亲? So you actually knew Todd's father?

我当然知道那家伙 Of course I knew the guy.

他帅死了 头发好得不得了 He was handsome, he had fucking great hair,

当然了 阳具也是如此 a Jedi with the chicks.

他总是跪倒在女孩们的身下 Went down on girls for a wicked long time

因为他是一个给予者 'cause he was a giver

他想让大家感到快乐 and he wanted to see others be happy.

我真希望能遇见他 I wish I could have met him.

听起来很绅士啊 Sounds like a gentleman.

他对托德付出得多吗 Was he there enough for the kid?

不 可能不多 但是 No, maybe not. But,

他很可能对此感到愧疚 you know, he probably felt bad about it.

你们也能理解 他现在也做不了什么 You know, and there's nothing he can do about it now, so...

托托 Toddsy.

托德 Oh, Todd.

我竟然一无所知 I had no idea.

可怜的人儿 你还好吗 Poor thing. Are you okay?

还好 还好 Yeah, yeah.

我还好 但是 It's fine, but

有些时候 我确实会做噩梦 sometimes I do still have nightmares.

哦 可怜的孩子 Oh, boy.

那只松鼠和它那魔鬼般的眼睛 That squirrel and its demonic eyes.

以及它嘴里的皮肤碎渣 Tiny piece of skin flapping in its mouth.

混着长长又凌乱的毛发 One lone scraggly hair.

不 是阴毛吧 A pubic hair.

我说 其实这也算是因祸得福吧 大伙们 I mean, maybe this is a blessing, though, guys.

我们难道真的愿意麦纳利神父 Do we really want Father McNutty to be the one

为他俩证婚吗? who brings these two guys together?

我就不同意了 I mean, I don't think so.

我十分看不惯那些教堂那一帮子人 I'm pretty tied into the church crowd

不管是那些无名易怒者 还是其他的 Rageaholics Anonymous and whatnot.

我可以为你找个神父 I could find a priest for you.

你想要哪种类型的 I mean, what type are we looking for?

找个年轻点的吧 Maybe a younger guy.

年轻神父 Younger guy.

那黑人可以吗 How about a black guy?

这我喜欢 Now, I like that.

非常有都市感又很嘻哈 It's very urban, very street.

好的 Okay.

但是 我们还缺一个教堂 But that still doesn't get us a church.

我告诉你们 如果我是这两个孩子 Well, I'll tell you where I would tie the knot

我会选哪里结婚 if I was these two sexy kids.

东尼 这主意太棒了 Donny, this is just such a great idea.

谁会不喜欢这绿长廊啊? Don't you love the pergola?

这太漂亮啦 They're gorgeous!

我觉得吧 这拱门应该弄娘气些 You know what, maybe a little more girly shit up on the arch.

你说得对 You know, you're right.

先生 麻烦 多往上面加点漂亮东西吧 Excuse me, sir, put some more girly shit up there.

所有女士集合! Calling all ladies!

去单身派对的车到了 快来! The bus for the bachelorette party is here! Come on!

亲爱的 你们单身派对也玩开心点吧 Honey, you guys have fun at the bachelor party!

好的 Okay.

别闹得太疯了 要清楚自己的底线啊 Don't get too crazy. Know your limits.

- 好的 - 我们要开单身派对吗 - Okay. - We're having a bachelor party?

完全是我的专长啊 That's, like, my thing, man.

妓女 大麻 装满尿的气球 Hookers, blow, balloons filled with piss.

我是说 我们是可以无下限的 I mean, the sky's the limit, kid.

不 不 不 东尼 我们都准备好了 No, no, no. Donny, we're all set.

我为大家准备了一个特别的夜晚 I have arranged a very special evening for us tonight.

这一定很棒! This is gonna be awesome!

我在奥普拉的杂志上找到这个地方的 I read about this place in Oprah's magazine.

我不知道这是不是她自己写的 I don't know if she writes the articles herself,

但这里的确有好东西 but there's some real good stuff in it.

你好 我们是来参加托德·彼得森派对的 Hi, we're for the Todd Peterson party, please.

晚上好 先生们 Good evening, gentlemen.

你好 雷文德夫人 Mrs. Ravensdale.

菲尔 真幸运啊 Phil, what a blessing.

欢迎来到男人时光为你举办的单身派对 Welcome to your bachelor party package here at He Time For Men.

噢噢 太他妈好了 Woo-hoo, motherfucker!

好的 Okay. All right.

我们马上会送上舒服的绒毛长袍 We're gonna set you up with some nice plush robes,

之后 我们还会有绝妙的通宵计划 and then we have a wonderful full evening planned

包括按摩 脸部和指甲护理 with massage, facial and nail treatments,

当你们离开时 我们还会赠送一份特殊礼物 and then we're going to send you home with

我们自制的薰衣草磨砂膏 a special gift of our house-made lavender scrub.

孔子曰 Confucius say,

你特么在说什么? "What the fuck are you talking about?"

不要这样 东尼 No, Donny,

菲尔觉得在婚礼之前 Phil thought it would be nice before the wedding

我们能放松一下会非常好 for us to all take a little time to just chill and mellow.

我和我老婆为了申请幼儿园 My wife and I have been burning it on both ends all week

精力都耗尽了 with the preschool applications,

我已经准备好享受下了 and I am ready to be pampered!

好的 好的 重点终于来了 All right, all right. Now we're talking.

嘿 谢谢啦 美女 你什么名字啊? Hey, thanks, honey. What the fuck's your name?

杰西卡 好的 Jessica. All right.

嘿 来吧 这杯是给这孩子的 Hey, come on. Here's to the kid.

他今晚绝对要玩疯点 He's fucking getting all fucked up tonight!

最后一晚了! Last night!

可以乱搞的最后一晚啦 Fucking last night of poontang for this kid.

这到底是什么鬼东西 What the fuck is this?

这是浸泡了黄瓜 玫瑰花瓣和檀香的水 It's water infused with cucumber, rose petal and harvest sandalwood.

这尝起来像是浸泡在睾丸里的阳具 It tastes like fucking dick infused with balls.

而且还有一半是洛史都华的精液 And a side of fucking Rod Stewart's jizz.

等一会儿 菲尔 Wait a minute.

在单身派对上喝水是怎么回事? What are we drinking water at a fucking bachelor party for, Phil?

你待会一定得让我儿子看你奶子啊 You got to show my son your tits later.

答应我 答应我啊 Promise me. Promise me.

舒服 啊 太舒服了 That's nice. Yeah, good.

按得很好 甜心 This is great, sweetheart.

真的很好 Really good.

做得好 你想给我们好印象 是吧? Nice work. You're going deep on us, huh?

这就对了 That's it.

先生 这是什么 What's this, sir?

如果你能给我全套服务 这就是小费 你懂的 That's just a little tip, you know, if you give me a full package.

好的 那要额外多收150块 Okay. That's a $150 additional charge.

那你就找错人了 You're talking to the wrong guy.

这已经超出了我能承受的价格了 That's a little out of my price range.

这包括头部按摩和脚部反射按摩 It includes scalp treatment, reflexology.

那你满足我的"黄瓜"要多少钱 How much is it to tickle my pickle?

去猛拉我的"手柄"?给我来点视觉冰淇淋? To yank my crank? To give me a ho-jo to go?

甜心 我可没要求用手来弄屁股哦 Sweetheart, I'm not asking for a finger up the ass.

我只是想让你上下抽动一下 I just want you to just jerk it a little bit.

东尼 这不是妓院 Donny, this isn't a brothel.

那我就纳闷我们来这里做什么! Then I'm completely confused what the fuck we're doing here right now!

给你看又怎样? So, what,

你准备在我们面前打飞机吗? you're just going to get a hand job in front of all of us?

我不知道啦 可以看吗? I don't know. Am I?

不能打了! I guess not!

你要知道 东尼 我为了今晚花了很多心思的 You know, I have worked very hard on this night, Don,

你表现太无礼了 and you're being just plain rude.

- 菲尔 不要 菲尔 - 不 不要这样 - Phil, no! Phil! - No, no. Don't do this.

不错 这样很好 Nice. That's nice.

很好 很好 That's good. That's good.

好痒啊 It tickles.

忍下吧 值得的 Just fight through it, man. It's worth it.

如果你停下来 我保证杀了你 If you stop, I swear I will kill you.

你知道吗 如果五分钟之内还没有奶子看 You know what, if I don't see a tit in five minutes,

我就掐死这个混账 I'm going to strangle this motherfucker.

你应该为你安排的这些狗屎感到羞耻 You should be ashamed of yourself for fucking arranging this bullshit!

我觉得非常舒服 Well, I feel very relaxed,

而且这很好地利用了团购 and I think this was a good use of a Groupon.

你扫了我们的兴 兄弟 You fucked us, buddy!

先生们 再等五分钟 你们就有四款 Five more minutes till you get to choose amongst four

手工巧克力可以吃了 artisanal house-blended chocolates, gentlemen.

兄弟们 我们不能就这样结束今夜 We can't let tonight end like this, boys.

我们要走了 We got to go out.

我告诉你们 I'm telling you,

我不能让我儿子的... I can't let my son have a...

我好兄弟单身派对搞成这样子 My son of a gun best friend have his bachelor party be this.

尼玛的 你们还在脸上涂满妖精屎 You fucking... You guys got your face covered in leprechaun shit.

我们现在应该在打飞机 We should be getting whacked off,

我们都应该 作为一支乱搞队 all of us, as a fucking team!

东尼 我认为今晚已经足够刺激了 Donny, I think we've had enough excitement for one night.

而且 这么晚了 Besides, it's not like you can throw

你去哪再搞一个派对呢 together a whole other party this late.

我可以找到六个妞在我们大腿上跳舞 I could have six chicks making out with each other on our laps

给我十分钟就好 in 10 minutes.

我可以晚点回家 I could stay out a little later.

好波! Bam!

我们要去让人吹喇叭了 We gonna get our dicks sucked.

那就去吧 There it is.

除非 雷文德夫人 Unless, Mrs. Ravensdale,

你让她们露一下奶子? you want to whip them knockers out?

我们会很乐意看的 We'd love to see them.

够了 你知道吗 All right, you know what?

你愚蠢 幼稚 固执 又傻冒 You are an imbecilic, immature, asinine, childish,

原始人 长毛怪 单细胞生物 caveman-like, hairy-knuckled, single-chromosomal,

讨厌鬼 没教养 无知的混蛋 obnoxious, uneducated, ignorant asshole

我就愿意跟这种人猛搞! who I would like to fuck hard and long!

那我先去和她搞一下 So, I'm going to go put a dent in that.

你们去把那些绿精液弄掉 You guys get that green jizz off your face.

我二十分钟以后回来 I'll be back in 20.

我们要出去玩了 小伙子们! We're going out, boys!

嘿 这里就是天堂 这地方 Hey, this is the shit, this place, I'm telling you.

最火辣的妞 最好吃的丹佛蛋卷 The hottest chicks, the best Denver omelets.

- 你们绝对要试一下 - 好的 - You have to eat one. - All right.

- 东尼! - 这就是我和你们说的美女 - Donny! - Yeah, this is who I was telling you about!

最近怎样? 给我个拥抱 What's up? Give me that.

见到你太开心了 I'm so happy to see you.

你特么太美了! You look so fucking cute!

我就知道 I know, right?

你带了个兵哥哥 And you brought a military man.

士兵 你叫什么名字? What's your name, soldier?

查得·马丁 美国的海军陆战队一等兵 Chad Martin, private first class,United States Marine Corps.

你觉得你可以让老二硬俩小时不? You think you can keep that dick at attention for a couple hours?

这是命令! That's an order!

命令执行中了 Already on it.

看看我兄弟 Look at my man!

让我来做个自我介绍 You guys, let me get in here and introduce myself.

你好 我是菲尔 已婚 有四个孩子了 Hello. I'm Phil.I'm married with four children,

事实上 这辈子我就只看过三个女人的下面 and I have actually only seen three vaginas in my entire life:

我老婆的 我小孩的 my wife's, my baby's

还有一次双人单车后面不小心看到我阿姨的 and my aunt's once by accident on the back of a tandem bike.

好吧 这就是第四个!宝贝! Well, here's number four, baby!

我要把这个当做是好几个了 I'm going to count that as numbers four and five.

香佩现在这支舞 Champale would like to dedicate this

献给托德·彼得森先生 to Mr. Todd Peterson.

这是你的 Here you go.

要来点蛋卷不? Do you want any eggs?

不用了 我对食物很小心 No. I really have to watch what I eat.

不能吃油腻的 不过还是谢谢你 No fatty foods. But thank you.

我是布莉 I'm Brie.

我是托德 很高兴认识你 I'm Todd. Nice to meet you.

我知道你是谁 汉·索罗 I know who you are, Han Solo.

别 你不能... No, you can't...

别担心 我会守秘密的 Don't worry, your secret's safe.

谁干的? Who did that?

- 杰罗 上车 - 爱死你了 东尼! - Gerald, get in the car.- I love you, Donny!

我也爱你 快上去 Yeah, I love you. Get in there.

天 你得给我那食谱 天啊 Man, you got to give me the recipe, man.

这不卖的 斯皮尤 Can't buy everything, Spirou!

兄弟 但他们用的橄榄油 没用黄油 Bro, but they use olive oil, not butter.

这就是秘诀 That's the big secret.

行了 克里斯 弄他进去 Okay, Chris, get him in there.

温柔点 他可是要保卫祖国的 Be gentle, he's protecting our country.

好了 大家晚安啦! All right, good night, guys!

杰罗 你真变态 兄弟 Gerald, you're a sick man, buddy!

嘿 什...大家去哪了? Hey, what... Where's everybody going?

我送他们回家了 I sent them home, guy.

我们该有点新郎伴郎独处时间 I thought we could have a little best man/groom alone time.

但我不是该和他们回去吗? But shouldn't I go with them?

因为洁米会对我发脾气的 'Cause Jamie's gonna get mad at me.

放轻松啦 伙计 Easy,guy.

结婚以后 她有的是时间 You're gonna have plenty of time for

对你发脾气了 her to be mad at you when you're married.

我要送你结婚礼物 I got you a wedding gift,

而且我想单独给你 好吗? and I want to give it to you alone, all right?

你要送我礼物? You got me a gift?

当然要送你的 Of course I got you.

而且我觉得你会喜欢的 And I think you might dig it.

一个耳饰 An earring.

是啊 但这是当年你妈给我的 Yeah, I know, but that's an earring that your mom gave me,

我想把它留在这家里 你懂我意思? and I thought maybe we could keep it in the family, you know?

让它传下去 一代传一代 Just kind of keep it going, generation to generation, actually.

好的 但是我没耳洞 东尼 Yeah, but I don't have a pierced ear, Donny.

是的 Yeah.

不是吧 No.

没错 Yeah.

好吧 卧槽 卧槽 All right, fuck it, fuck it.

好吧 你来吧 Do it, just do it.

不会痛的 兄弟 It's not gonna hurt, buddy.

就痛一小下 You got a nice buzz going.

好的 知道了 知道了 Yeah, I got it, I got it.

等等 Hang on.

消下毒先 Liquor it up.

卧槽! Fuck!

来吧 来吧 Come here. Come here.

坚持住!继续 别动! Hang in there! Go ahead, just sit still, homie.

怎么样? How we doing?

天呐 Oh, God.

这就对了 这才是真汉子 That's it. That's the way to man up.

好像还不坏 That wasn't so bad.

让我看看 Let me see it.

我流血没? Am I bleeding?

- 没流 - 真的? - I don't think so. - No?

看起来怎么样? Does it look good?

你看起来还可以去给外国人打鼓演奏 You look like you could be playing drums for Foreigner or some shit.

你看起来就像个浑球 You look like a bad-ass.

- 真的吗? - 真的 - Really? - Yeah.

这让我感觉到有点... 'Cause it makes me feel kind of...

危险 Dangerous.

他终于回来了 天! There he is, man!

这性格才是你 你七岁时就是那样的 That's your personality, like when you were seven years old,

我和香草叔叔那时候都笑翻了 me and Uncle Vanny used to laugh our asses off from you.

香草叔叔 对了 Uncle Vanny, that's right.

他怎么了? What happened to that guy?

兄弟 你知道现在该干嘛吗? Dude, you know what it's time for?

我们三人帮去回忆下老时光 To get you back together with the old gang.

来啦 Come on.

我只希望他还愿意和我说话 I just hope the guy will talk to me.

菲尔! Phil!

拜托 你会被捕的 兄弟 Come on, you're gonna get arrested, buddy.

我不该这么做的 I shouldn't be doing this.

别 别停 别停 No, don't stop, don't stop.

好吧 我来是想说我真的很抱歉 All right, look. I came here to tell you I'm sorry

关于你妈和我的事情 about what happened with me and your mother.

那只是个意外 不会再发生了 It was an accident, and it will never happen again.

这话我都等三年了 兄弟 That's all I've been waiting for all these years, man,

就为一句简单的道歉 a simple apology.

事情都过去了 It's water under the bridge.

没什么大不了的 Don't sweat it. Holla.

等下 你是香草冰吗? Wait, are you Vanilla Ice?

香草叔叔一直都是香草冰吗? Was Uncle Vanny Vanilla Ice this whole time?

不然你以为我是谁? 'Who did you think I was?

谁知道啊? I don't know,

我爸那个老穿低档裤的朋友? a friend of my dad's that wore a lot of parachute pants?

我也想对你说实话 I want to be honest with you, too.

我和你妈没有上过床 I never did knock boots with your mother.

- 没上过? - 没上过 - No? - No.

我想她是用手隔着裤子帮我解决的 I think she whacked me off outside the pants.

- 哦 - 但我没做完 - No. - But I didn't finish.

香草 我做不下去 我不能 Vanny, I didn't finish. I couldn't.

妈呀 Mom.

你也知道我妈的确喜欢做爱 You know, she did like to fuck.

卧槽...你看他终于正常了 That's fucking... Look at him. Back to it.

去他的 Fuck, yeah.

嘿 汉·索罗 你看上去很好啊 兄弟 Hey, Han Solo, you're looking great, man.

谢谢 Thank you.

你瘦了很多嘛 You lost some weight.

不错吧 Is this kid all right?

你不再是那个胖小子了 You're not a little fat kid no more.

不再是了 No, no, no.

还记得这个吗? Remember this one?

不要啦 不要 No,no.

我们以前经常这么做的 Yeah, we used to do this to you all the time.

还记得吗 以前的日子? Remember, back in the day?

嘿 鸡块口袋 Hey, nugget pocket.

鸡块口袋 Nugget pockets.

不 我不是鸡块口袋 No, I'm not a nugget pocket.

怎么了 鸡块口袋 What's up, nugget pocket?

不要啦 No.

但 说真的 小冰山 No, but seriously, Iceberg,

我和这小子想跟你去玩 me and my boy got a little head start on you,

但不知道你愿不愿意陪我们啊? but you got any desire to get wasted with us?

奉陪到死啊 More than life itself.

事实上 我也有东西让你们玩玩 In fact, I might have a little head start on you guys.

什么啊? What?

耶 Yeah.

超级违法的 It's so illegal.

我可不想当着我孩子面做这个 I don't want to do that in front of my kid.

转过去一会儿 转过去 Turn around for a minute. Just turn around.

把这玩意儿给我 Give me that fucking shit.

搞什么? What?

嘿 我们走吧 Hey, let's get out of here.

我什么都没干啊 I did not do that.

- 我们去找点乐子 - Let's go have some fun.

喂 你要去哪里 香草小冰冰? Hey, where you think you're going, Mr. Vanilla Ice Cream?

我要去找夜生活了 兄弟 I'm going out for the night, man.

别啊 天 你知道我不会炸鸡块的啊! Hell no, man! You know I don't know how to fry no damn chicken nuggets!

这可是托德·布里奇 It's Todd Bridges.

托德·布里奇: 童星出身 《小淘气》中饰演威利斯・德拉蒙德

好 好 看我的 Yeah, yeah, watch this.

你在说神马啊 威利斯? What you talking 'bout, Willis?

你敢回来再说一次? You come back and say that to my face,

你这假白人饶舌混蛋 you fake white rapping motherfucker!

托德 说真的 你看上去不错啊 Todd, seriously, though, you look great.

德拉蒙德先生怎么样了? How's Mr. Drummond doing, huh?

先生...混蛋! Mister... Fuck you!

"德拉蒙德先生 先生..." "Mr. Drummond. Mister... "

天 我...来点什么? Man, I... What you want?

一碗辣鸡块 Bowl of chili nuggets.

什么? A what?

尼玛菜单上没有那玩意 You know, that shit ain't on the menu, man!

靠 居然有 尼玛的 Shit, it is. Damn it.

我溜 我溜了个溜! Fucking skate! Just fucking skate!

伯杰帮在此! The Berger boys are here!

来啊 小心 小心 Come on, look out! Look out, now!

搞个毛啊? What the fuck?

喂 把帽子还我! Hey! Give me my hat back!

- 来啊 来啊 - 还回来! - Do it, do it! - Give it back!

今晚真特么太棒了 是吧? Hey, it's a fucking lovely night, ain't it?

天哪! Oh. my God!

你们群混蛋! You fucking assholes!

喝 喝! Go, go!

搞个...跑啊! What the... Go!

快 快 快! Go, go, go!

搞个毛啊?给我滚! What the fuck? Get out of here!

天啊! Holy shit!

他们好像挺有趣的 You know, they seem like fun guys.

我们来跳水吧!走起! We're all gonna dive! Let's go!

你们要干嘛? What are you doing?

天哪. Oh. my God!

我没..我没有弄洒啤酒! I didn't... I didn't spill my beer!

我特么最爱这个了. I fucking love it.

- 靠! - 你个傻老二! - Fuck! - You fucking hard-ons!

卧槽... Fucking...

- 你要干什么? - 别 别 别 别! - What are you doing? - No, no, no, no!

你特么不能这么做 你个白痴! You don't fucking do that, you fucking idiot!

看看这个 你这个老二脸 Look at this, fuck face. Look at this.

看毛啊? What the fuck?

来吧 Come on.

你个小子 我说了 脚放上去 You fucking guy. I say, take it.

我做不到 I can't.

就这么骑 继续 继续 Just go, go, go, go, go.

不 你先等等 等等 No, wait, wait.

等等 等等 停下 快停 Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop.

我改变主意了 我害怕 这个我做不来 I changed my mind. I'm scared. I don't want to do it.

噢 天啊 Oh, man.

我真不能够 I can't do it.

你在擦内裤 You're rubbing your underwear.

怎么 干嘛这么做? What is that? Why are you doing that?

我猜又是因为我? I suppose I'm the reason.

就是 就是 还记得一年级 Yeah. Yeah. Remember in first grade

你该接我放学回家的 when you were supposed to pick me up after school,

却让我等了5个小时吗? you left me waiting for five hours?

我那天留堂了 小子 I had detention myself, guy.

我还能怎么做? What the fuck was I supposed to do?

好吧 可我拉裤子了 Yeah, well, I shit in my pants.

好啦 All right.

然后我一个人走回家了 - Then I had to walk all the way home alone.

我错了 All right.

裤子上还粘着屎 With shit in my pants.

老兄 我保证 我再也不会把你忘了 Dude, I promise you, I'll never forget you again.

向上帝发誓 I swear to God.

把这破玩意扔了吧 Throw the fucking things away.

别指使我 Don't fuck with me

扔掉他们 Throw them away.

扔掉 扔掉 Throw them away. Throw them away.

扔掉这该死的内裤 你不需要的 Get rid of the fucking underwear, you don't need that.

你可以做得更好的 老兄 You're better than that, guy.

好吧 去他的 去他的 Okay, fuck it. Okay, fuck it.

抓成一团 然后...对 没错. Squeeze it out and fucking... Yeah.

好孩子 You're a good kid.

好啦 这事就算过去了 接着嗨 Come on, fucking hit this thing and let's get it rocking.

好了吗?好的 All right. All right?

开始吧. Here we go.

来吧 踩吧 我扶着你呢 Come on. Push, push. I got you.

好的 Okay.

我不是很擅长这个 I'm not good at it.

没问题的 All right.

平衡 平衡就行了 It's balance, it's just balance.

你成功了 孩子 你就是个运动员 You got this, kid. You're an athlete.

你可以的 你内心就是个运动员 You got it. It's in you, buddy.

拿稳车头 Straight.

我稳不住 I don't know how.

我扶着你呢 我不会让你摔倒的 I got you. I ain't gonna let you fall.

别松手 Don't let me go.

我不会让你掉下来的 I won't let you fall.

别松手 Don't let go.

好的 我还在呢 All right, I'm still with you.

- 好的 - 我还在呢 - Okay. - I'm still with you.

要加快点速度 我在这呢 Let's pick up some speed, though. I'm with you, guy.

我在这 我在这 I'm with you. I'm with you.

我不会松手的 I'm not letting go.

不要放开我. Don't let me go.

我不会松手的 我一直都在 孩子 I'm not letting go. I'm with you, my boy.

- 等等... - 我一直都在 孩子! - Wait... - I'm with you, my boy!

- 耶 你能自己骑了! - 我做到了! - Yeah, that's all you! - I'm doing it!

没错 宝贝儿 Yeah! Yeah, yeah, baby!

噢 我的天! Oh. my God!

你... Are you...

孩子 你.. Kid, are you...

你没事吧 伙计? Are you all right, buddy?

对不起 Sorry.

老兄 我正要和我老婆爱爱呢! Dude, I'm trying to make love to my wife!

搞什么啊! What the fuck?

不要啊! No!

卧槽 赤裸男女啊 Fucking naked people.

我他妈要杀了你! I'm gonna fucking kill you!

噢 天啊 他们在追杀我! Oh, my God, they're chasing me!

搞什么啊!弄开他! What the fuck? Get off him!

快跑! Go!

- 噢 天啊! 小心! - 快跑! - Oh, my God! Look out! - Go!

继续跑啊 伙计 Keep going, guy!

东尼! Donny!

- 耶! - 你是最棒的! - Yeah! - You're the best.

- 我说真的 杰伊 - 祝你好运! - You are, Jay. - Good luck!

我他妈太喜欢你的发型了 I like your fucking hairdo!

祝你的出租车生意越来越好 Good luck with the taxi business!

太爱那家伙了 Love that guy.

经典 经典 经典 Classic. Classic. Classic.

今晚太有趣了 It's a classic night.

没门!派对还没结束呢! No way! Party's not over!

来嘛! Come on!

老兄 香草叔叔倒下了 Dude, Uncle Vanny's fucked up.

我爱你 儿子 I love you, son.

真的 I do.

我一直都爱你 好吗? I've always loved you, all right?

抱歉突然跟你说这些 Sorry to spring that on you like that.

没事 It's all right.

没事 东尼 很好 谢谢 It's cool, Donny. That's nice, thank you.

小汉汉 小汉汉 Hansie, Hansie.

为什么周围没人时 你还叫我东尼 Why don't you not call me "Donny" when no one's around.

你可以叫我爸爸 You can call me "Dad. "

好的 我知道 我知道 Yeah, I know, I know.

只是... It's...

我不知道我准备好了没 东尼 I don't know if I'm ready for that, Donny.

- 你懂吗? - 嗯 我明白 - You know? - Yeah, yeah.

没问题 No prob.

抱歉 Sorry.

很抱歉 如果你真不喜欢我的话 Sorry if you fucking don't like me.

或许我也会像你一样把老师上了 I probably would've fucked my teacher, too.

是啊 Yeah.

不过... But...

那我们明天什么时候去监狱? So, what time are we gonna go to the prison tomorrow?

等等 你要去监狱? Wait, you'll go to the prison?

对啊 我会去的 Yeah, I'll go.

不行 不不不不不 No. No,no,no,no,no

那个...他们取消了 That's... They canceled that.

我问过典狱官了 I talked to the warden,

他说你老妈只是在开玩笑 and he says that your mother was just pulling our leg.

她只是得了水痘 She's only got the chicken pox.

- 什么? - 是的 是的 是的 我知道 - What? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

她说她要死了是因为 She said she was dying because

如果你病得厉害 他们就会给你好点的食物 they give you better food if you're wicked sick like that,

像牛肉空心粉啊 或者微波披萨啊 like Beefaroni or microwave pizza

或其他什么的 所以... or some shit, so...

搞得我好饿啊 That just made me hungry.

那就检查下你的口袋吧 Well, check your pockets.

宝藏啊! A treasure!

来嘛 吃吧 Come on, eat it.

不要 好脏啊 No, it's nasty.

我跟你说 傻冒托德·布里奇做得好辛苦的 Come on, I'm telling you. Fucking Todd Bridges worked hard on that thing.

乖了 你喜欢吧 Yeah. You like that.

很不错 Pretty good.

快看我 我是个喷泉! Look at me, I'm a fountain!

丢一个硬币过来啦! Throw a penny in here!

许个愿吧 傻蛋! Make a wish, motherfucker!

搞个... What the...

奶奶 怎么了? 你在这儿做什么? Grandma D, what's going on? What are you doing here?

你幻想过的那些 Well, you've had the fantasy,

现在是时候让你美梦成真了 so now it's time that you try the real thing.

不 不 不 我不可以的 No, no, no, I can't do that.

对不起 I'm sorry.

谢谢你的好意 I appreciate the offer.

别 别 别 别这样 No, no, no, don't.

我不能 你不..我不该 I can't. Don't you... I shouldn't.

噢 天啊 Oh, God.

你穿上老式泳衣了呀 You got the old-timey bathing suit on.

好吧 我答应了 Okay, I'm in.

我会像骑老爷车一样上你 I'm going to ride you like a Model T.

好啊 Yeah.

洁米 Jamie.

你又把婚纱穿上了 You're wearing your dress again.

你看起来真美 You look beautiful.

我太想要你了 I want you so bad.

对我温柔点 Be nice to me.

让我爽一下 Make me feel good.

好的 好的 All right, all right.

好 好 好 好 Okay, okay, okay, okay.

噢 天啊! Oh. my God!

救命啊! Help me!

发生什么事了? What happened?

你没事吧? Are you okay?

我看起来像没事吗? Do I sound okay?

我的婚纱被你吐得到处都是 You puked all over my wedding dress!

受死吧 混蛋们 Prepare to get fucked up, motherfuckers!

抱歉 我听到尖叫声 Sorry, I heard you scream.

还以为洁米要被人杀了 I thought Jamie was getting murdered,

所以我跑过来准备打架 so I was gonna fucking smack someone around.

- 发生什么事了? - 我也不知道! - What happened? - I don't know!

我刚发现婚纱上全是呕吐物 I just found my wedding dress covered in barf!

还有一些黏黏的东西 And something else, something sticky.

是精液 It's jizz.

你把我的婚纱吐脏了还上了它! You puked on my dress and then fucked it!

你真是个疯子 You're a madman.

不 不 不 不 不 No, no, no, no. No.

甜心 不是这小子干的 Sweetheart, it wasn't my boy.

你给我闭嘴 You shut up.

东尼你给我闭嘴! Donny, just shut up!

谁想要试试这个的滋味? Who wants a piece of this, huh?

谁要试试? Who wants a piece?

哇哦 别 别 别! Whoa, no, no, no!

没事的 伙计 It's okay, buddy.

只是托德上了件婚纱而已 Todd just fucked the dress.

一切都在掌握之中 It's under control.

为什么香草冰出现在我们房里? What is Vanilla Ice doing in our room?

他是我另一个最好朋友 He's my other best friend.

没错 也是个厉害的饶舌歌手 Yeah. And a wicked good rapper.

为他鼓掌 来吧 赶紧的 Give it up for him. Come on, now.

鼓掌吧 Let's give it up.

好小子 My boy.

我不知道这里发生了什么 I don't know what's going on here,

不过我也没时间理这些了 所以... but I don't have time to deal with this, so...

好吧 这是接下来的安排 Okay, this is what's gonna happen.

我要去洗澡 然后上普拉提课 I'm gonna go take a shower. I'm gonna go to Pilates.

你去把婚纱送到干洗店去! You're gonna take that dress to the dry cleaners!

然后今晚我们要参加一场彩排晚宴 And then we're gonna have rehearsal dinner tonight,

你要变回三天前的那个正常的托德 好吗? and you're gonna be the normal Todd from three days ago, right?

先脱掉那副傻杜兰杜兰耳环 And you can start by taking out that stupid Duran Duran earring!

我觉得那个比杜兰更异域风情一点 I was thinking it's more Foreigner.

不是吗?好吧 杜兰杜兰也不错啦 No? No, no, Duran Duran's a good call, though.

我想去跟迪萝斯奶奶完成最后一步了 Guess I'm gonna go finish up with Grandma Delores.

- 好的 - 可以吧? - Yeah. - Is that all right?

没有 玩的开心点吧 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have fun, buddy. Have fun.

不过别太猛了 别伤着她 Not too much, though. Don't hurt her.

不会的 我会好好完事 No, no. I get it right and keep it tight.

好的 Okay.

听着 我需要些时间来收拾好这里 Look, I need a couple hours to fix this.

嘿 这种情况我们都经历过 Hey, we've all been in that situation,

你没事的 孩子 and you'll be fine, kid.

我给其他人做些煎饼 好吗? I'll whip up some pancakes for everyone else, all right?

- 好的 - 我超爱薄饼的 - All right. - I love it.

你上了人家人体模型 You jizzed on a mannequin.

放尊重点儿 Respect it.

但是你才十三岁 But you were only 13.

她就是吃你豆腐了 She took advantage of you.

没有 那只是法律说的 苏金 No, all right. That's what the law says, Su-Jin,

但我也不知道...我们就像是心心相印的 but I don't know... We were kind of like soul mates.

要知道 我们之间...是有感应的 You know, there was...There was a connection there.

跟其他人都没有的 I never had it with anyone else.

我要去接个电话 抱歉 各位 I'm getting a call. I'm sorry, guys.

别碰这些盘子 我来洗就好 Do not touch these plates. I'm cleaning them.

好吧 苏金? Okay, Su-Jin?

我是东尼·伯杰 Go for Donny B.

咋咧! 'Wassup!

嘿 小子 怎么了? Hey, big man. What's going on?

那模型女士怎么了? How'd it go with the lady?

你搞定了吗? You patch things up?

差不多吧 挺神奇的 Yeah, pretty much. It was amazing.

干洗店的人说他们绝对见过那种液体组合 The dry cleaner said they've definitely seen that combo of fluid before.

是吧?那些就像是加了奎宁水的杜松子酒 You see? Yeah, those things go together like gin and tonic.

嘿 听着 既然我们是好朋友了 Hey, listen, while I got you,

我在你梳妆台上放了给伴郎的小礼物 I left you a little best man gift on your dresser.

我猜你会很开心的 I think you'll get a kick out of it.

不是吧 我的天啊 You did not. Oh, my God.

我整个身体都激动了 My whole body, like, got a shocked feeling over that.

兄弟 都没人给我送过礼物 Buddy, no one gets me a gift.

你到底在哪? Where are you, anyways?

我在车里 I'm in the car.

我还是决定去看下妈妈 I decided to go see Mom after all.

你做什么? You did what?

噢 天啊 正义先锋 Oh, my God. Dukes of Hazzard!

小汉汉 Hansie.

东尼 你在这儿干什么? Donny, what are you doing here?

我们得马上离开这 We got to get out of here now.

什么?你在说什么? What? What are you talking about?

这周末是你的婚礼啊 老兄 It's your wedding weekend, dude.

婚礼结束你再来这 You come here after the wedding.

那你就可以把婚戒秀给你妈看 You show your mother your new ring.

那她就开心了 That would make her happy.

等等 你是紧张要见到她吗? Wait, are you nervous to see her?

小汉汉 我们赶紧走吧 Hansie, can we just blow this place off

喝杯啤酒什么的?我求你了 and have a beer, please? I'm begging you.

看 那是她吗? Look. Is that her?

噢 天啊 Oh, my God.

你们来啦 There you are.

我的小汉汉 你都长这么大了 My little Hansie, you're all grown up.

你好 妈妈 Hi, Mom.

我都忘了你出生后我看过你没有了 I didn't know if I'd ever see you again.

我知道 很抱歉没再来看你 I know. I'm sorry I stopped visiting.

只是太难克服了 It just got too hard.

没事 我完全能理解 No, I totally understand.

哇哦 Wow.

你的眼睛还是跟我一模一样 You still have my eyes.

那耳饰是不是情夫演唱会之后 Is that the earring that I gave you

我送给你的? after the Loverboy concert?

是的 麦嘉老师 Yes, it is, Miss McGarricle.

你知道 我每天都在想你 You know, I think about you every day.

我太爱你了 麦嘉老师 Fuck, I love you so much, Miss McGarricle.

我从未停止过对你的爱 I never stopped.

我也爱你 I love you, too.

你还记得... Do you remember...

噢 天啊 又来了 Oh, God, here we go.

...我教你的那些男女之事吗 东尼? ...all the nasty things that I taught you, Donny?

记得 当然记得 麦嘉老师 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I do, Miss McGarricle.

你还是我的那个调皮男孩吗? Are you still my dirty boy?

嗯 我是你所认识最调皮的男孩 麦嘉老师 Yeah, I'm the dirtiest boy you'll ever know, Miss McGarricle.

东尼 Donny.

噢 卧槽啊 Oh, fuck, yeah.

我现在就硬了 我硬了 I'm hard right now. I'm hard.

好吧 我觉得这好讨厌 所以... Okay. Yeah, I'm hating that, so...

但是很高兴见到你 老妈 我... But it is really good to see you, Mom. I...

我也很高兴见到你 宝贝 It's good to see you, too, baby.

你能形容一下你现在的感受吗 汉? Can you describe what you're feeling right now, Han?

电视台的兰多·摩根? TV's Randall Morgan?

你在这里干什么? What are you doing here?

你一定很感触吧 Must be quite emotional for you to

眼看着这女人调戏你老爸 不是吗? be face-to-face with the woman who molested your father, isn't it?

这是怎么回事? What is going on right now?

这家伙是谁? Who is this dude?

听着 在你对我发火之前... Listen, before you get mad at me...

这就是你来看我的原因? This is why you came to see me?

为了个真人秀的伏击? For some reality TV ambush?

- 不是的 - 他们给你多少钱 东尼? - No. - How much they paying you, Donny?

一分钱都没有 我发誓 我没有... Nothing, I swear to God. I'm not getting...

五万块让你走进这个监狱 Fifty thousand dollars to deliver you to this prison.

好吧 是五万块 但是我...我没有... All right, it was 50 grand, but I'm not... I'm not...

我发誓 我已经放弃计划了 I'm not going to do it. I swear to God.

我没有...永远不会拿他的钱 I'm not... I would never take his money.

东尼·伯杰 你都做什么了? Donny Berger, what have you done?

小汉汉 老兄 是我 Hansie, dude, it's me.

我还是昨晚的我啊 It's the guy from last night.

我们玩的很开心 别听他们瞎说 We had fun. Don't fuck it.

我告诉你 这是... I'm telling you, this is...

这些问题都是可以解决的 This is something that can be fixed.

- 你太难以相信了 - 小汉汉 - You're unreal. - Hansie.

什么... What...

你快去追他 东尼 You go after him, Donny,

而且要照顾好我们的儿子 and you take care of our son.

- 小汉汉 - 快来 他发火了 靠! - Hansie. - Come on, he is pissed. Fuck!

照顾好我们的宝贝 东尼! Take care of our baby, Donny!

小汉汉 求你了 听我解释... Hansie, please, let me explain to you...

真不敢相信我又让你进入了我的生活 I can't believe I let you back into my life again.

孩子 孩子 等等 听我说 Guy, guy, just come on. Listen to me.

我欠了国税局一大笔钱 I owe the IRS a lot of money.

- 毫无疑问了 - 我知道我是个混蛋 - Of course you do. - I know, I know. I'm a fuck-up.

但是如果周二之前我交不上四万三千块 But if I don't give them 43 G's by Tuesday,

我就得去坐牢了 I'm going to prison.

等等 所以你是在告诉我 Wait, so you're telling me,

如果我给你四万三千块 你就不用去坐牢? if I give you 43 grand, you don't have to go to jail?

我会还你的 我发誓 I will pay you back, I swear to God.

你能借我钱吗? Would you loan me the money?

不能!滚蛋! No! Fuck you!

拿上你的破烂滚出我老板家! Get your shit out of my boss's house!

好的! Okay!

不!别这样 No! Don't do that.

他是我儿子 That's my boy there.

不是吧 No.

我想他拉在裤子上了 I think he just shit his pants.

告诉我 你已经都录下来了 Tell me you got that on camera.

是你让我把备用内裤扔了的! You made me throw out my extra underwear!

对不起 我不知道你又会拉在裤子上 I'm sorry. I didn't know you were going to shit yourself again.

太精彩了 That was awesome.

这真是太精彩了 That was awesome.

东尼 不能再精彩了 太赞了 Donny, couldn't have gone any better. Loved it.

你知道我想要什么的 You know what I need from you,

托德就是我需要的 Todd, is I need you

- 签一下这张授权书现... - 滚开! - to sign the release form right... - Fuck you!

离我远点! Get away from me!

别拍了! Get those cameras off me!

我恨你 爸爸 I hate you, Dad.

小汉汉! Hansie!

没有授权书 我一分钱都不能给你啊 I can't pay you a dime unless I got a release form.

卧槽 Fuck.

我身上沾到屎了吗? Did I get any shit on me?

我在这儿下 让我下去 Let me off here. Let me off.

让我下去 我跑过去得了 Let me get off. I'll fucking run up.

别熄火 Keep it running.

我去把东西拿下来 I got to pick my shit up.

你太可爱了 You're so adorable.

不 我知道 但我不是告诉过 No, I know, but I told you

你别打这个电话嘛 not to call me on this line.

要是托德接到怎么办? What if Todd picks up?

不 不 不 我是想 No, no, no, I want to.

不 史蒂 No, Steve.

托德什么都不知道 Todd doesn't know anything.

我才不担心他在婚礼后发现呢 I don't care if he finds out after the wedding.

那时候他就什么都不能做了 There's nothing he can do about it then anyway.

你太贴心了 You're so sweet.

史蒂 是吧? Steve, huh?

史蒂·斯皮尤 我会让你吃不消的 Well, Steve Spirou, I'm going to fuck you up.

我会让你吃不消的! I'm going to fuck you up!

好吧 我有件大事要宣布 Well, I got some great news.

我已经决定选谁做合伙人了 I've made my decision on who my new partner is.

菲尔! Phil!

菲尔 我就知道你能行 Phil, I knew you could do it.

快看菲尔的脸 Look at Phil's face.

我刚刚是骗你的 菲尔 I'm just busting your balls, Phil.

不 我绝不会选你的 No, I'd never pick you.

哦 不是 Oh, no.

是你 托德 合伙人 It's you, Todd. Partners.

合伙人 Partner.

哦 我的天呐 Oh, my gosh.

这意味着更加忙碌和更多责任 It's going to be a lot more hours and a lot more responsibility.

你知道的 对吧? You know that, right?

还有更多更多的钱! And a lot more money!

- 有人要去疯狂购物啦! - 耶! - Somebody's going shopping! - Yeah!

我还以为他走了 I thought he left.

是啊 你就想 史蒂 Yeah, that's what you wish, Steve.

我有话跟你说 小子 I need to talk to you, homeboy. Yeah.

嘿 洁米 Hey, Jamie.

听着 听着 Listen. Listen.

不是要说你和我的事 好吧? Dude, this is not about you and me, all right?

你选错结婚对象了 You're not marrying the right girl.

她在背叛你啊 She is cheating on you.

你真是不可理喻 You are unbelievable.

你就不能放过我吗? Can't you just let it go?

这是我做正常人的最后机会了! This is my last chance to be normal.

你就这么坚定要毁掉我的生活吗? Are you determined to ruin my life?

亲爱的 怎么了? Honey, what's going on?

没什么 Nothing.

别叫得那么亲 你个小贱人 Don't "honey" him, you little snake in the grass.

我听到你打电话了 I heard your phone call.

"史蒂 你别打这个电话嘛" "Steve, why'd you call on this line?

"托德可能会接的" "Todd could have picked up. "

没错 好小子 That's right, sonny boy.

你的未婚妻和你老板有一腿 Your wife-to-be's fucking your boss.

就是那家伙 Right there.

去你的 混蛋 Fuck you, buddy.

你就是个白痴! You are an idiot!

是吗 甜心? Is that right, sweetheart?

- 是的 当然是 - 是 哦 为什么? - Yes, it is. - Yeah, yeah. Why?

我是和史蒂打电话 I was on the phone with Steve.

史蒂·金登 那个波士顿通报的婚礼记者 Steve Goldstein, the Boston Herald wedding reporter.

是啊 他正在写最美丽的结婚地的文章 Yeah, he's doing a piece on the most beautiful places to get married,

我没告诉托德 and I didn't want Todd to know

是因为他不想上报 because he doesn't like being in the paper.

所以 我很抱歉我想让世界上的每个人 So, I am sorry that I wanted everyone in the world

都知道我嫁给了一个完美的男人 to know I married the perfect guy.

亲爱的 你能原谅我 Honey, do you think you can forgive me

隐瞒了一个这么大的秘密吗? for keeping such a big secret from you?

好吧 根据最新证据 Okay, due to this newfound evidence,

结论就是 我是个混蛋 the conclusion might be that I'm an asshole.

再见了 Bye.

好的 Fine.

祝你们有个完美的婚礼 Have a good wedding.

我会充满自豪地离开的 I'll leave with pride.

我是个好人 I'm a good person.

再见! 明天见! Bye! I'll see you tomorrow!

今天真够呛的 是吧? Wow, what a stressful day, huh?

真是迫不及待想回到沙滩小屋去了 Can't wait to get back to the beach house.

谢谢 Thank you.

- 再见 - 就我们俩 你懂的? - Bye. - Just the two of us, you know?

不 亲爱的 我今晚要待在城里 记得吗? No, honey. I'm staying in the city tonight, remember?

什么? 不是吧 What? No.

是吧 在婚礼前夜 Yeah, the bride and groom,

新郎和新娘要分开睡 they're supposed to sleep separate night before the wedding.

那明天见了 准新郎 So see you tomorrow, big guy.

我送洁米去费科利酒店 I'm going to drop Jamie at the Fairmont Copley.

爸妈 你们带上对虫基金吧 好吧! Mom and Dad, you guys got the hedgehog. Okay!

- 爱你 - 小心门 - Love you. - Watch the door.

- 爱你 好吧 - 睡个好觉 - Love you. Okay. - Sleep well.

等下 他们不是没有车吗? Wait, but don't they not have a car?

好啦 东尼 去吧 你的机会来了 快去 All right, Donny, go. There's your chance. Go.

我没有机会了 朋友 I ain't got no more chances, buddy.

那孩子恨死我了 The kid hates my guts.

是吧?因为你们又没有车 Right? 'Cause you guys don't have a car.

我说的不是他 东尼 I'm not talking about him, Donny.

- 醒目点啦 天 - 什么嘛? - Wake up, man. - What?

洁米是你儿子的突破口 Jamie's the gatekeeper for your son.

- 啊? - 赢得她的心 她就可以说服汉 - Yeah? - Win her over, then she'll convince Han

再给你一次机会 搞定! to give you another chance. Boom!

我怎么能赢得她的信任呢?她也很恨我 How am I ever going to get her trust? She freaking hates me.

东尼 你知道女人的最爱吗? Donny, you want to know what all women love?

冰淇淋 Ice cream.

嗨 我是托德·彼得森 Hi. I'm Todd Peterson.

不 你不是 你是东尼·伯杰 No, you're not. You're Donny Berger.

你七年级的时候搞上了你的老师 You fucked your teacher in the seventh grade.

嗨 我是托德·彼得森 Hi. I'm Todd Peterson.

嗨 彼得森先生 有什么能为您效劳的? Hi, Mr. Peterson. What can I do for you?

再问一下 我未婚妻在哪个房间? What room was my fiancee in again?

我查一下 641号 Let me check. 641.

你真识相 You're a fucking stud.

嘿 要是传说中的东尼·伯杰来到这里 Hey, when the legendary Donny Berger comes in here

想用个假名字 就随他嘛! using a fake name, you go with it!

好啦 我记住了 All right, I will.

641 641 641. 641.

好的 来吧 甜心 All right, come on, sweetheart.

哦 耶! Oh, yeah!

什么 托德来了吗? What, did Todd come out here?

你才有托德一半大 You're half the size of Todd

可你的技术好太多了! but you use it so much better!

我猜不是吧 I guess not.

哦 我的天呐! Oh. my God!

哦 我的天呐 Oh, my God.

哦 我的天呐 Oh. my God!

哦 我的天呐 Oh, my God.

妈的! Fucking shit!

妈的 Fucking shit.

他妈的! Fucking shit!

他妈的 Fucking shit.

哦 好的 Yeah. Okay.

哦 天呐 哦 天呐 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

好的 Okay.

爽! Yeah!

你不配吃这些雪糕 You do not deserve these treats.

你们完事了吗 甜心? Are you finished, sweetheart?

哦 我的天呐 Oh, my God.

你的未婚夫正在家里呢 你知道的吧 Your fiance's at home, you know.

这真让我伤心 This really gets me upset.

知道为什么吗? You know why?

因为你根本配不上他 'Cause he's too good for you.

配不上 He is.

而你现在放荡地坐在... And you're sitting here gallivanting with...

我想我知道是谁 I think I know who.

是吧?史蒂·金登先生 Don't I, Mr. Steve Goldstein?

等等 你是... Wait. Are you...

我看到什么了? What am I seeing?

不是... 这... No... It...

你们两个? With each other?

我... 这是... Am I... This is...

起码他得是你的继弟 Is he your stepbrother at least

或是收养什么的? or adopted or something?

不说话 No reply.

所以是亲的了 So it's real.

哦 天呐 Oh, my God.

东尼 东尼 你不... Donny, Donny, you don't...

你搞不懂 You don't understand what's going on here.

我觉得查理·辛也不会搞得懂 I don't think Charlie Sheen would understand what's going on here.

查理·辛: 曾被爆淫照和传性虐丑闻

听着 我爱托德 我们马上就要结婚了 Look, I love Todd, and we're going to get married,

我们马上就要幸福地生活在一起 and we're going to have a great life together.

确实 我不时地会和查得上床 And yes, I've had sex with Chad from time to time.

好看的人都这么做 It's what good-looking people do.

他们会跟其他好看的人上床 They have sex with other good-looking people.

你懂吗?只不过刚好 You know? Just so happens that

这个好看的人是我弟弟 this one particular good-looking person is my little brother.

好吧 Okay.

这我就明白了 It's all making sense to me now.

我知道这很不好 I know that sounded bad,

不过 东尼 这是最后一次了 but, Donny, this was going to be the last time.

我绝不会去招惹已婚妇女的 I would never carry on with a married woman.

我做人还是有下限的 东尼 I've got better morals than that, Donny.

查得 通奸是很不好 Chad, adultery is bad,

但乱伦才是变态 but incest is fucked up!

拜托别让他告诉妈妈秘密游戏时间的事啦 Please don't let him tell Mommy about our secret tickle time.

"秘密游戏时间"? "Secret tickle time"?

你们还给它起了个名字? You got a name for it?

居然还是跟一个美国军人 And with a United States military man, no less.

你真给那身制服丢脸 You are a disgrace to that uniform!

不 他不是个海军 No, he's not a Marine.

那身制服他是从易趣上买的 He buys those uniforms on eBay

所以爸爸并不知道他是个跳现代爵士的 so Dad doesn't find out he's a modern jazz dancer.

什么? What?

这可能比乱伦的事情还要过分 That's possibly worse than the incest thing.

这真恶心 我要告诉托德 This is an abomination. I'm telling Todd.

不 他不会相信你的 No, he won't believe you.

不 他会信的 Yeah, he will.

不 他连史蒂·金登的事都是信我的 No, he bought that Steve Goldstein story.

得了吧 你以为他是靠自己成为合伙人的吗? Come on, you think he got that partnership on his own?

用那些"哔卟哔卟"的玩意吗? With that "beep boop beep" shit?

当然不是 我帮了他一把 No, I gave him a boost.

你到底和多少人上过床? How many people have you fucked?

好吧 或许他会相信这个 Well, maybe he'll believe this.

很好 保存 Nice. Save.

你们两个继续快活吧 You two have fun together.

变态 Sickies.

好吧 你要多少? All right, how much?

我马上要变成非常有钱的人 I'm going to be a very rich woman.

我可以给你开一张大额支票 I can write you a big fat check.

这事宣扬出去之后会怎样? What's it going to take for this to go away?

托德丢副隐形眼镜就要吃阿普唑仓 Todd has to pop a Xanax when he loses a contact lens.

你觉得他发现这件事情后会怎么样? What do you think he's going to do when he finds out about this?

托德的快乐 Todd's happy.

你真的想夺走吗? You really want to take that away?

嘿 兄弟 Hey, buddy.

我有些话想告诉你 I got something to tell you, and...

我没指望你相信我 但是... I'm not expecting you to believe this, but...

我已经弄到钱了 I got the money.

那太好了 东尼 That's great, Donny.

你儿子帮助了你 是吗? Your son came through for you, didn't he?

是的 他未婚妻给了我五万块 Yeah. His fiancee gave me $50,000

条件是对她和她弟弟上床的事情守口如瓶 to keep quiet about her having sex with her brother.

啊 我也经历过 Yeah, I've been there.

我们都经历过了 We've all been there.

她说那是最后一次了 所以... She said it was her last time, so...

也许事情会变好的 Maybe things will work out.

可我现在为什么感觉这么糟? Then how come I feel like shit right now?

是啊 有点道德混乱吧 Yeah, it's kind of a moral thicket.

但好消息是 But the good news is

你不用进监狱了是吧 东尼? you stay out of the slammer, right, Donny?

东尼? Donny?

做点什么吧 "Go do something. "

不知道啦 米帝先生 I don't know, Mr. Mitty.

我不知道我能不能处理好这事儿 I don't know if I can fucking handle it.

做你认为正确的事 "Be a good person. "

东尼? Donny?

- 不不不 别打我 - 不是 不是 - No, no, don't hit me. - No, no.

请给我一点时间 托德 Just give me a moment, please, Todd.

就一会儿 放松点 Just a moment. Relax.

要知道 在跟主教祷告过之后 You know, after praying with the monsignor,

我意识到我在教堂里犯了自大的罪过 I realize that I committed the sin of prideful anger in the church

并希望你能接受我的歉意 and I hope that you'll accept my apology

还有允许我参与这愉悦的一天 and allow me the honor of being a part of this joyous day.

好吧 那夏葫芦神父呢? Well, what about Father Shakalu?

死笨鸟 Stupid bird.

拜托 飞啊! Come on, fly!

他不介意的 Well, he's cool.

很好 不错 Great. Sounds good.

顺便问一下 托德 By the way, Todd

是你拿瓶子打我的头的吗? was it you that hit me in the head with the bottle?

不是 No.

那是谁打的? Well, then, who, then?

查得干的 It was Chad.

真有趣 Interesting.

二 三 四 Two, three, four.

动起来 动起来 Fosse, and Fosse,

- 动起来 - 挺有趣的 - and Fosse. - Interesting.

嘿 东尼·伯杰 你好啊 Yo! Donny Berger! All right!

我也想给你签个名的 伙计 I'd sign something for you, buddy,

但我现在没时间 but I got no time right now.

阿冰! Ice!

阿冰 你在里面吗?我需要你! Ice, you in there, buddy? I need you!

你还有福特5.0那辆车吗? You still got the 5.0?

这是什么意思?有还是没有? What does that mean? Is that a yes or no?

我没看懂诶 I don't understand the pose.

有?快走 快走 Yeah? Let's go, let's go!

冲啊!宝贝 冲! Go. baby, go!

不要啊! No!

小心那混蛋! Look at this fucking guy!

天啊! Man!

不不不!我们困住了! No, no, no, no, no! We're stuck! We're stuck!

别管5.0了!咱们跑吧 兄弟! To hell with the 5.0. Let's run for it, man.

可我们需要音乐啊! But we need great tunes!

没事 我们能搞到音乐的 Come on, let's get them!

这儿 我带了个随身听 Right here, I got a Walkman.

- 随身听! - 是啊 宝贝 - The Walkman! - Yeah, baby.

咱们走吧! Let's go!

- 该死 - 快点 冲啊! - Damn it, man! - Come on! Let's go!

天呐! Oh. my God!

还没给钱呢! You forgot to pay!

洁米 你愿意给托德 So, Jamie, do you promise to provide Todd here

永恒的爱 鼓励和忠诚 with unending empathy,encouragement and honesty,

直到死亡把你们分开吗? till death do you part?

我愿意 I do.

嘿 东尼 快点! Hey, Donny. Come on!

你在干什么啊伙计? What are you doing, guy?

跳下来了? You jumped?

这儿有扇门啊! There was a door right here!

快点 我们得赶到那儿 Come on, we got to get there!

还有你 托德 你愿意给这位特别的女士 And you, Todd, do you promise to love,

你终生的爱 尊敬和保护吗? honor and protect this special lady for the rest of your life?

别回答啊! Don't answer that question!

哦 该死的 Oh, shit.

我们跑了不止一公里 We ran well over a mile.

我不同意他俩结婚 I object to these two getting married.

不行 那个环节已经结束了 No, we're past that part already.

那我还有什么选择吗? What are my options, then?

要选择离开吗? How about leaving?

闭嘴 你这个邪恶的婊子 You shut the hell up, you satanic hose-bag!

杰罗!我很抱歉 这话太难听了 Gerald! I'm sorry it sounded so harsh,

但你待会就会理解我的话了 but you'll understand why I said that in a few minutes.

我不会给你时间的 There ain't gonna be a few minutes,

你这个该死的混球 you goddamn son of a bitch!

冷静点!冷静点! Calm down! Calm down!

让这他说下去 Let the boy talk.

我不能让你娶这个贱人 I can't let you marry this chick.

我不敢相信你竟然这样做 I can't believe you're doing this.

听我说 兄弟 Listen to me, buddy.

你不爱这个女孩 You don't love this girl.

我告诉你 我爱过 这不一样 I'm telling you. I had love, it's different.

爱是不一样的感觉 It's a different feeling.

爱就像是... Love is like...

它会带给你们特别的联系 It just leads you to a special connection.

充满了...奇妙的感觉 It's full of, like, feelings of awesomeness.

这种感觉... And the feelings you...

会紧紧环绕你 That wrap around you.

它在你胃的深处 It's deep in your stomach.

在你脑子里 在你的蛋蛋里 It's in your head.It's in your fucking nut sack.

当你硬起来的时候 就在你的弟弟里 It's in your dick when it gets hard.

是爱让它充血变硬的啊 There's still love at the tip.

爱还会喷洒出来 And it fucking sprinkles out

就像洒在草坪上的晨露一样 like morning dew shooting all over the grass.

好了 我已经听够了 Okay, I've had just about enough of this.

菲尔 坐下!要不我告诉你老婆 Phil, sit down before I tell your wife

你在脱衣舞俱乐部都干了些什么! what you did at the strip club.

好的 Okay.

儿子 很抱歉 我只是... Son, I'm sorry, I just...

不能让你娶这个贱人 I can't let you marry this skank.

"儿子?" "Son?"

- 你儿子? - 儿子? - Your son? - Son?

他在说什么? What is he talking about?

亲爱的? 你告诉我 Honey? You can tell me.

我会原谅你的 I'll forgive you.

这就是爱 不是吗? 爱就是原谅 That's what love's about, right? Forgiveness.

好吧 我说 All right, fine.

东尼不是我最好的朋友 Donny's not my best friend.

他是我爸爸 He's my father.

我父母没有在爆炸中去世 My parents didn't die in an explosion.

我撒谎是因为我是个 I lied because I'm the product of

师生恋的产物 an inappropriate teacher-student relationship.

师生恋? Teacher-student relationship?

你知道这听起来有多恶心吗? Do you know how gross that sounds?

你太恶心了! You're disgusting!

你他妈是在开玩笑吗? Are you fucking kidding me right now?

她现在还可以注销掉支票 东尼! She can still cancel that check, Donny!

查得 Chad.

注销什么支票? Cancel what check?

我不... I don't...

她给了我五万块的封口费 She gave me 50 grand to keep my mouth shut.

五万块? 洁米 Fifty grand? Jamie.

是啊 我本打算拿着这钱 Yeah, it was... I was gonna hold on to it,

这样我就不用蹲监狱的 但是... you know, to get me out of jail, but...

但现在 这才是我想做的 Yeah, yeah. That's what I think of that.

这就说明我有多讨厌这婊子 That's how much I hate this fucking whore.

等等 什么封口费? Wait. Keep your mouth shut about what?

托德 别听他的 Todd, don't listen to him.

他是个疯了的骗子 He's a liar and he's crazy!

麦纳利神父 请继续吧 我愿意 Father McNally, please continue.I promise to do

你刚才说的什么乱七八糟的东西我都愿意 all that shit you mentioned

托德也愿意 是吧? and so does Todd, right?

等等 怎么回事? Wait, what is going on?

告诉他 Tell him.

不不不 别告诉他 No, no, no, no, no.Don't tell him, don't tell him.

你告诉他 不然我就告诉这儿所有人 你选 You tell him or I'll tell everybody here.It's up to you.

快点 Come on.

好吧 也没那么糟嘛 Okay. Well, that's not that bad.

什么?你没说实话 你这个该死的骗子! What? You didn't tell him,you fucking lying piece of shit!

快说 要不我他妈就打扁你! Get on it now or I'll fucking crush you!

不行啊 No.

洁米 你可以跟我说的 Jame, you can tell me.

我是说 能有多糟呢? I mean, how bad could it be?

什么? What?

好吧 她说出来了 Okay, she told him.

什么? What?

你跟你弟上床了? You fuck your brother?

哦 天呐 Oh. my God!

恶心的白人 Fucking white people.

这样说起来我也不算太糟吧 老爸? I'm not looking so bad now, am I, Dad?

我要先走了 I'm out of here.

妈 是她先勾引我 Mom, she started all this.

我不想的 我还是你的小战士 我... I didn't want to. I'm still your little soldier, I...

- 卧槽! - 把那制服给脱了 - Fuck! - Take that uniform off.

你是在侮辱大家嘛 You're insulting us all.

不不不 你没发现吗? No, no, no. Don't you see?

现在更好了 It's gonna be even better now.

你是一团糟 我也是 You're a mess, I'm a mess.

来吧 夏葫芦 快过来! Come on. Doc Shakalu, get your ass up here!

我一定要掺和到里面吗? I got to be part of this shit?

托德? Todd?

求你了 Please.

拜托了 亲爱的 托德 我们结婚吧 Come on, baby. Come on, Todd, let's do this.

好吧 好吧 Yeah, yeah.

不!我们不能结婚 No! Let's not do this.

好吗? Okay?

而且为准确起见 And for the record,

我不叫托德·彼得森 my name's not Todd Peterson.

我叫汉·索罗 It's Han Solo.

是以星球大战里的那个英雄命名的 Named after the man who made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

而且我是伯杰家的人 就像我爸一样 And I am a Berger, like my father before me.

我还要告诉在座的所有人 Also, I want to tell everyone here that

我背上有个非常大的新街边男孩的纹身 I've got a pretty huge new Kids on the Block tattoo on my back.

他们的头都歪了 但去你们的 特别好玩儿 The heads are warped,but fuck you guys, it's funny.

的确超级搞笑的 It is fucking hilarious.

还有史蒂? And Steve?

不是针对你 但是我不干了! Nothing personal, man, but I quit!

不要啊 拜托 托德 别这样 No, no. Come on, Todd, don't be like that.

我们也不干了 We quit, too.

去你的! Fuck you!

说的好 汉·索罗 Good call, Han Solo,

因为你的未婚妻也和他搞过 'cause your fiancee banged him, too.

什么? What?

可我并不知道她和她弟弟的事 I didn't know about the brother thing, though.

我和你一样感到恶心 相信我 I am as sickened as you, believe me.

你知道吗?没关系 史蒂 You know what? It's all right, Steve.

因为什么呢? 'Cause guess what?

东尼和香草冰上了你老妈! Donny and Vanilla Ice fucked your mom!

香草冰和奶奶上床了? Vanilla Ice banged Grandma?

太他妈棒了! That's fucking awesome!

东尼 小心! Donny, look out!

跟你妈说实话吧 草泥地 Word to your mother, brotherfucker!

我很抱歉 我知道我不该打女人 I'm sorry.I know I'm not supposed to hit a chick,

但是我得承认 这感觉太棒了! but I got to tell you, it felt good.

我是说 我再也不会这么做了 I mean, I wouldn't do it again,

但对于这个疯子 这是情有可原的 but with this psycho, you know,it was warranted.

东尼!我要杀了你! Donny! I'm gonna kill you!

安息吧 贱人 At ease, bitch.

兄弟 这就对了!做得好! Dude! That's it! Nice!

不过 等一下 Hang on, though. Hang on.

不要 别打我 No, don't hurt me.

咱俩扯平了 Even Steven.

神父 把牧师领摘了吧 Father, take off the collar.

这就对了 你不是故意的 That's right. You're not meant for this.

- 好吧... - 耶 - Well... - Yeah.

干的漂亮 Nicely done.

好了 走吧 All right, come on.

咱们离开这儿吧 爸爸 Let's get out of here, Dad.

听见了吗 听见了吗 Did you hear that? Did you hear that?

我儿子叫我爸爸了! My son called me "Dad!"

他叫我爸爸了! He called me "Dad!"

没错!伯杰父子帮回来了! That's right!The Berger boys are back, bitches!

咋咧? Wassup?

咋咧? Wassup?

咋咧... Wassup...

别说了 Shut up.

他老板和她弟弟? His boss and her brother?

听起来像是洛尼·丹吉菲尔德的段子 It sounds like a Rodney Dangerfield joke,

但确实发生在我儿子身上了! but it actually happened to my boy here!

现在我们得给汉·索罗找个新姑娘 Now we got to find Han Solo one of them new girls.

一个不在乎他钱的姑娘 One that don't care about all that money he make.

不 不 No, no.

对 女版托德·布里奇就再好不过了 Yeah, like a girl version of Todd Bridges would be perfect.

没错 That's right!

女版的我 很好 Female version of me. That's right.

其实这方面不用你们操心了 所以... Well, you know, I actually might be doing okay in that department, so...

什么? What's that?

什么情况...什么情况? What the fuck... What the heck?

托德和布莉 看对了个眼 Todd and Brie, sitting in a tree.

我的蛋蛋 膝盖上垂了个挂 I have balls down to my knee!

- 什么? - 他接上词了!耶! - What? - He said it! Yeah!

- 东尼! - 怎么了兄弟? - Donny! - Yeah, buddy?

你是我最好的朋友 我会想你的 You're my best friend. I'm gonna miss you.

知道了 知道了 I know, I know.

但是我有个好消息 But there's good news.

要知道 麦嘉老师三年后就出来了 You know what,Miss McGarricle gets out in three years,

到时我们刚好开始重新生活 so the timing's kind of perfect for us to start our lives together.

爸爸 你就收了我给你的钱吧 Dad, let me just give you the money.

不用 我不会拿的 No. No. I'm not gonna do that.

现在是时候让东尼·伯杰 It's time for Donny Berger to

为他做过的烂事负责了 take responsibility for his screw-ups.

我种下的因 我就得承担后果 I made my bed, now I got to lie in it.

东尼!东尼!你有在看吗? Donny! Donny! Are you watching?

开电视!快开! Turn on the TV! Turn it on!

他来了 我们说了一天的胖子 塔比图 There he is, the fat guy we've been talking about all day, Tubby Tuke,

真的在冲刺阶段超过了那些埃塞俄比亚人 actually gaining on the Ethiopians here in the final stretch.

这是我押注的那个胖子吗? Is this the fat guy I put the money on?

一比八千的比例 你押了二十块 Twenty bucks at 8,000-to-1.

- 十六万? - 十六万? - A hundred and sixty grand? - A hundred and sixty grand?

快点 你个胖猪 快跑! Come on, you fat shit, move it!

塔比图快跑!塔比图快跑! Go, Tubby! Go, Tubby!

跑啊!跑啊! Keep running! Keep running!

超过埃塞俄比亚人! Pass those Ethiopians!

超过那些埃塞俄比亚瘦子! Pass them skinny fucking Ethiopians!

这不科学啊 可是它发生了! This defies every law of science,but it's happening!

快特么站起来! Get the fuck up!

快特么站起来! Get the fuck up!

他站起来了!他站起来了!他站起来了! He's up! He's up! He's up!

他会重新充满力量!他会重新充满力量的! That'll replenish him! That'll replenish him!

不! No!

听听观众们的喊声 Listen to the roar of that crowd.

胖子 胖子 Fat guy! Fat guy!

胖子 胖子 Fat guy! Fat guy!

他能赢吗? Can he possibly win it?

他要赢了! He's gonna do it!

塔比图赢了! Tubby Tuke has won!

塔比图赢了!塔比图赢了! Tubby Tuke wins! Tubby Tuke wins!

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